Twas a night before Christmas and all through the house… I kept hearing a man’s voice. And it wasn’t Santa!!!
As I stood in my room trying to wrap five trillion presents because I put it off all month-long and waited until the last second (even though I tell myself every year that the next year will be different and I am going to get everything done BEFORE Christmas eve at midnight, it never happens)…
I have done nothing to get ready for Christmas. NOTHING!! I mean except for making these cookies right here:
I’m just saying…
NAILED IT!!!
Anyway…
As I’m in my room wrapping five trillion presents (calm down… that is an over reaction. I didn’t buy five trillion presents it just feels like five trillion presents)…
So there I am wrapping and wrapping and I hear a man’s voice coming from my living room. I thought to myself… “That’s weird… there isn’t a man in my living room. Why the hell am I hearing a man speaking in my house?”
I hear it again…
The only people who are home right now are ALL THE KIDS! And none of my children are men. The husband is at work and why am I hearing a man’s voice!
I sprang from my room to see what or “who” was in my living room, and what to my wondering eyes should appear…
My almost 12-year-old son playing video games!!
Me – “Hey… I just heard the weirdest thing. It sounded like a man was out here. What are you playing?”
The almost 12-year-old boy – “I’m playing minecraft!”
Me – “Wait! What?? Is something wrong with your voice? Are you sick? You sound like you might be sick? Is your throat okay?”
The almost 12-year-old boy – “Yeah. I’m fine! I feel fine. It’s probably just POOOOOOOOOOBERTY!!”
Me – Blink.. Blink.. Blink…
The 10-year-old girl who was sitting in the room with him – “Yeah well at least your pooooberty is only getting a weird voice… I have to get boooobs!!!!”
Me – blink.. blink.. blink..
***This here is a representation of living the dream you guys!!! I’m LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!
So there it is. My Christmas gift! My almost 12-year-old boy went to bed with the voice of a cute little munchkin pie, and woke up with the voice of a 30-year-old man-child that smoked during a phase in his twenties!
**sigh…
I’m sad! Look, okay, I know the way this works. Our kids grow up and become full-grown people. I’m just not ready yet. NOT YET! And nobody told me that one day you will wake up and your son will sound like a trucker. It happened just like that! No squeaking phase or weird ups and downs in his voice. It just changed.
Well… I guess I need to start getting used to him becoming a man. I mean… he did call puberty… “POOOOOOOBERTY!!” There is still that!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all the celebrations that you hold near and dear to your heart! I hope 2017 is going to be the best year yet!!
**Even if it means my sweet little boy has officially crossed over into man-child status! And as we all know… they never really leave man child status!
Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)
The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind… and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:
For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!
I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall!
The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:
1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi. You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog!
2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:
3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.
4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!
5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)
The conversation would probably go like this:
“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”
So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:
Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance!
This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!! Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know!
For Instance:
Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.
Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”
Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!
Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!
Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”…
Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”
Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!!
Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:
Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”
Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…
I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!!
Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it.
Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!
Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!)..
Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…
Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!
Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”…
Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be. I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.
Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE!
So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!
The Internet does it again!! We all know the Internet can be a scary place sometimes. It can also be a magical place full of puppies, pandas, and unicorn poop!
The truth is… it is part of our lives now. The Internet is here, and it is a part of how we do many of the things we do.
For instance…
If you have a medical question… There is WebMD! But be careful because if you type in your symptoms of having a hurt toe… it will probably tell you that you have cancer and you need your leg amputated!
The days of Encyclopedias are gone! If you need information or to look up facts… You have Google! And everybody knows that Google knows everything!! Just Google it… and Google will tell you….
If you are feeling sad you can watch hours and hours of puppy videos or cat videos.
And if you feel like socializing with folks… you have Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram!
The fact is… this is how we interact now. We are plugged in. Kind of like the Matrix! A little foreshadowing going on there… 😉
I like to hang out on Facebook. I mean… let’s face it… It’s Zuckerberg’s world and we are all just living in it!! Amiiright??!!
I am highly addicted to a Facebook page called Tasty! This place is almost as addicting as Netflix. They post videos of recipes being cooked and all you see are the hands making the food, and it is mesmerizing. Like I could literally sit for hours and watch video after video. It is highly addicting. They make it all look so easy. And you don’t even have to press play on these videos. Which let’s face it, who the hell wants to take time to press play. Being able to just scroll and it starts playing magically is amazing. Nobody has time to be pressing play on shit.
But then… you have the comment section. I know, I know… NEVER read the comments! You might think to yourself “Oh this is a recipe on how to make some cheesy enchilada dish… how bad can the comments be?”
~
BAD!!
So I watched this recipe here about Moroccan chicken. And I want to break down for you how a simple recipe for Moroccan chicken can turn into an all out drunken brawl. Thanks Internet!!
It all starts out pretty innocent enough. Everyone has an opinion, right? So they must come and write it in the comments so all the people can see how they feel about Moroccan chicken:
These are real comments: (I wrote them exactly as they are written in the comment section, So don’t blame me for the misspells… 😉 )
** – My thoughts…
Person 1 Comment – “Morrocan don’t eat harissa… Spread some cumin and let it cook with some chickpeas doesn’t mean it’s a moroccan like, and it goes the same way as well for the others meals… This is just a One-Pan Chicken to me”
**(Innocent enough I guess. This guy is not impressed with one of the spices so he must tell all the people! What even is Harissa though?? I have no idea)…
Person 2 Comment – “We eat it –‘”
**(okay… so apparently there is a person that eats it, and she wants you to know!!)
Person 3 Comment – “But we eat it”
**(Another commenter coming on to let us all know that they too in fact eat it!! We are still talking about Harissa right??… I still don’t know what that is…)
Person 4 Comment – “Don’t eat harrisa? It is a must in every meal. Coming from Moroccan. I don’t know where she come up with that”
**(So here comes person 4 to respond to person 1 about how Moroccans do not eat harissa!! You guys… what the fuck is Harissa???. anyone???)
Person 1 Comments again – “Well boy I ain’t a she. And if you’re used to eat harissa whereas you were raised in Morocco, it’s up to you that’s fine. But I bet you eat ketchup too. I mean the only moroccan touch in this meal is only the name and that’s all.”
**(What’s wrong with ketchup??… rude!!!!)
Person 4 Comments again – “who u r calling boy? A little cunt? U don’t know what are u talking about.”
**(Um… okay guys… what does this have to do with Moroccan chicken?)
Person 1 comments again – “you’re so full of shit with your tiny ballsack that I ain’t even gonna argue with ya on what’s up with the moroccan food. Get your shit together and don’t even try to step out to your miserable hole of “I have been raised in Morocco so I know what’s up”. What I’ve seen is an eyesore to all the moroccan community. But alright I’m glad you grew up with some Harissa out of your ass you fucking horsecrap.”
**(Did this guy just call someone horse crap?? And what does he mean “Harissa out of your ass?”.. Does Harissa come out of assess?? I’m not going to lie… this whole thread is starting to feel a bit like a Donald Trump rally!!)
Person 4 Comments again – “shut the fuck up fucking twat. Go squize on a fat dick, piese of shit , Jackass.”
**(We are definitely NOT talking about Moroccan chicken anymore folks!! “squize” on a fat dick??… WHAT???)
A new person arrives into the conversation – “So much butthurt over a bloody chicken dish. They call it “Moroccan” because it is probably easier than calling it Cumin, Harrissa, cherry tomato and chickpea Chicken.”
**(hmm… good points being made by the new arrival… How will they respond?)
Another new Commenter arrives – “So it’s not Moroccan give a shit! Will that stop you cooking it? If they called it spicy chicken would you cook it? It’s still nice douche!”
**(I don’t know… but spicy chicken and douche in the same sentence makes me feel all weird inside.)
Person 4 comes back for some more – ” So u are a fucking wannabe. Try to hard to fit in? GO FUCK YOUR MAMA”
**(Okay now… I just wanted some chicken!! Why you gotta bring momma into this?! Let’s keep the mothers out of this folks)..
Person 4 left a meme for person 1 –
**(Really creative use of a meme by Person 4… I do love the use of a good meme in a fight…)
And then this guy joins in – “Shit went too far ! … Forget about it ! Realizin’ what a meal’s name can cause , the world is goin’ nuts I swear ! We eat it we don’t eat it , it’s not ours but it’s common in the country whatever it is, let’s make everyone happy ! Oh !”
**(I do agree the world is “goin nuts”… and yet I still laughed my ass off at this comment! “Shit went too far”… yes random commenter on a recipe video… shit did go too far”)
Well… that was fun! Thanks Internet… you always have the ability to lift my spirits… and yet Internet… you also have the ability to have me sitting in my closet in the fetal position rocking back and forth sucking on my thumb crying for my mommy!!
It’s that time of year where we see blogs, videos, and articles all over the Inter-webs about New Year resolutions and new beginnings for 2016. It’s very inspiring… and also annoying. Mostly because I consider myself a fairly self aware individual. Which means I am acutely aware of my propensity to procrastinate… on everything… (do you like all those fancy words I used??)
I stopped making New Year resolutions because I procrastinate… and because of that, I will almost certainly not follow through which will eventually make me feel like dump about myself.
It’s my own fault. I end up giving myself expectations that are so huge no one could possibly live up to them. No… I am done with that!
I have instead decided to be content and okay exactly as I am. However, that does not mean that I am not moving forward. I am always moving forward. Learning, growing… and always moving forward to a new place. But enough with the damn expectations already!
There is nothing wrong with me just as I am… and there is nothing wrong with you just as you are!!
But that is not what this post is about. So let me get to the point. My most read and shared blog posts from past years tend to be ones that are bitchy in nature. You guys LOVE reading the stuff I complain about. Ya bunch of weirdos… Just Kidding! But not really kidding though..
So I figured since you guys love it when I rant, I would give you a big old end of the year rant!!
Enjoy!!
It has been a year full of all kinds of crazy. But we have to start somewhere so I decided to start with this!
This…
Can we all please just STOP saying this!!
First of all… we live in a world where for some reason people love to use the term “grow a pair” as a sign of strength. I know you know!! WE ALL KNOW… This is FALSE advertising for balls folks!!
BALLS ARE WEAK!! They are not strong and they are certainly not the sign of strength in any way what so ever. Every single time I see a person tell someone to grow a pair… my eyes roll so far back into my head I can actually see my brain!!
Look at this for a minute okay?
A Vagina spits out a FUCKING HUMAN BEING!!! YOU in fact. A Vagina pushed YOU into this world that you are currently breathing in! And after it does that… it continues to work. And in many cases it will push out multiple human beings… back to back… and still keep on ticking. It’s like the energizer bunny… It keeps going and going.
I’m not saying that a Vagina doesn’t get banged up after pushing out people… but that son of a bitch keeps going! Vaginas are NOT WEAK!
Balls on the other hand… are LITERALLY the weakest part on a human body. So weak in fact that every movie you have ever watched, or book you have ever read where a guy is attacking a girl… if she kicks him flat in the balls, he drops. That guy is down!! If you barely scrape a pair of balls, they practically deflate. (and nobody likes deflated balls! AMIIRIGHT??)
So why?? Why do we use that term as a sign of strength when it is anything but strength?
I don’t get it!! That needs to change! It’s idiotic! Balls are WEAK!!!!
Okay… now that I finally got that out of my system… Do you know what is super extremely annoying? When people lose weight and all of a sudden think they now somehow have earned the right to be a judgy asshole to other folks who have not lost weight.
Listen okay… If you decided to lose weight.. awesome! Do it!! Go for it! But that does not win you the medal of being a Judgy Mcjudgerton to everyone else who has not lost weight.
Some people are happy just as they are. Who are you to tell them they need to lose weight if they are perfectly happy with the weight they have? YOU do not have a right to choose what makes another person happy. That is NOT for YOU to decide. Nothing is more annoying than the person that lost 40 pounds who sits on Facebook posting before and after pictures telling everyone that they need to GET OFF THEIR LAZY ASS AND DO IT!!!
Well… I say FUCK YOU!!! Here is the thing. Before you decided to start losing weight, you didn’t lose weight. And then you did. Maybe other people aren’t there yet. Maybe they haven’t reached that point where they want to do it. Everyone has a different road. And just because your road led you to lose 40 pounds does not mean every single person has the same road. Not to mention you have no idea why a person has weight on them. Medications… sickness… or because they fucking love food! Which is not bad! It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! So lose weight if you want to. Do it for yourself. But if you are posting over and over on Facebook telling people they need to get on it and quit being lazy, thinking you are being inspirational… NOPE!!! You are being a pretentious asshole.
Side Note – I am not talking about being proud of yourself. That is a completely different thing. There is a huge difference between being proud of yourself and being a pretentious asshole!! Although, I am not a fan of before and after pictures. You were beautiful before, and you are beautiful after!
Another super annoying thing about Facebook… the kardashians. When is this going to stop!! WHEN?? Why?? HOW?? I read somewhere that you can put a filter in your news feed that will keep anything kardashian from popping up and all I have to say about that is LIES!!! Every day my trending feed has something about a kardashian! EVERY SINGLE DAY! It goes something like this:
Trending Feed:
-Kim wore a shirt today! Twitter goes crazy
-Kendell put pink lipstick on! Instagram breaks in half
-Kanya and Kim name their kid Fart face! The Internet blows up!
WHY??.. WHY WHY WHY???
I don’t understand. I actually think the Kardashians might be like those Twilight vampire people or something. They are just always there! ALWAYS!! 1852, the kardashians were there… 1901, kardashians were there… 1930’s, kardashians were there… 3000’s, kardashians will be there…
I’m guessing the only way to get rid of the Kardashians would probably be some kind of ancient silver plated pair of scissors. I am certain there is a special lace thong underwear that has been passed down from generation to generation. You will have to go on a harrowing deathly journey to find the mystical garment, climbing through piles and piles of clothes and make-up and shoes… SO MANY SHOES, only to find a safe. It won’t be easy… but once you figure out how to get into the safe you will find the magical, mystical underwear inside. You must then cut the thong with the ancient silver plated scissors into tiny little pieces, burn the pieces…. and then bury the ashes deep in the heart of the Bermuda triangle and then maybe… just maybe they will go away! Not likely though…
WHO WORE IT BETTER
Buster or Kim??..
~
Okay… there is so much more that I want to discuss, but I will have to do a part 2 because this is getting ridiculously long!
In part 2 we can talk about how in the hell is a racist, sexist, bigot one of the Presidential candidates for this amazing country that has a root system based on FREEDOM! And how rapists that wear funky sweaters get away with rape! I would also like to discuss how actually funny it is that every time someone goes to the theater to watch Star Wars, they have to post a picture of themselves sitting in the theater. My Facebook feed is filled with thousands of pictures of folks sitting in theaters with “hashtag Watching Star Wars!!!” Do they feel like nobody will believe them unless they take a picture? I actually think it is very endearing. I am a fan of Star Wars. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but you know I will most definitely take a picture while I am sitting in the theater and post it to Facebook… saying “Hashtag STAR WARS BITCHES!!!”…
Dick walks into the Piggly Wiggly to buy some milk. As Dick is reaching in to get a gallon of milk he notices a big sign that says butter is on a super sale for the Holidays! He walks over to the butter container and reads the big sign.
Get your butter today!! Nobody likes a DRY TURKEY for the Holidays!! Happy Holidays from us to you!
Dick – OFFENDED
Dick was so upset over the Happy Holidays display, that he decided he needed to calm down. He can not understand why so many people in this world keep saying Happy Holidays! Say Merry Christmas, goddammit. It upsets him very much!! So he heads over to his favorite coffee shop to get a skinny mocha latte half whip with a dash… just a dash of pumpkin spice flavor in hopes to calm down from that horrible Happy Holidays display. He orders his coffee, and as they hand it to him… he realizes that they have replaced his usual festive cup with an offensive red color!
Dick – OFFENDED
He was so upset that he actually threw the coffee away. How can he drink coffee out of a red cup with no Santa or snowflakes? It’s barbaric!!
So far this day has been really rough on Dick. Every where he goes, he has to see things that offend him. This world is falling apart right in front of Dick’s eyes… and he just cant take it anymore.
But even though the world is falling apart… Dick needs to eat because he skipped breakfast and now he is starving. He heads to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy with a side of CRISPY hash browns and three strips of bacon. The hash browns better be crispy though. The last time Dick went to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy, crispy hash browns and three strips of bacon… they had gotten a new cook in the back and when they brought his order out to him, the hash browns were not at all crispy. They were only kind of crispy. It really upset Dick. His entire day was ruined over that! Dick really hopes they get it right this time.
As Dick gets seated in his usual spot at the restaurant, the hostess tells him that his waitress will be right with him. She tells him it has been a very busy day so please be patient and they will get to him as soon as possible. Dick DOES NOT like the sound of that. He is starving and has already had to deal with so much today… he is not sure he can handle a waitress that is not attentive and ON TIME! As Dick waits for his server to show up, he notices a table next to him has a baby and toddler. This makes Dick a little nervous. He has never been a fan of babies… or toddlers. Or kids at all really. Dick does not want to have to deal with kids while he is enjoying his meal!!
Finally the server shows up and as Dick looks up at her, he realizes that he can not tell if the server is actually a “her.” He can not tell if the server is a man or a woman. The server has on pants and a very short haircut which Dick believes would make this person a man, but the server also has on eyeliner… which would make this person a woman! Dick becomes frustrated at not being able to tell what the gender of his server is!
Dick – OFFENDED
He is extremely offended at not being able to identify the gender of his server. He is not even sure he can eat his eggs anymore. Dick needs to know if his server has a Penis or a Vagina. It is HIS RIGHT to know!! He is very upset… but decides to order his meal anyway because he doesn’t think he can handle another upsetting thing happening today. He orders his meal and waits patiently for it to arrive. As he is waiting, he starts to hear the table with the baby and toddler getting louder. THIS is exactly why Dick does not like having kids in restaurants where he eats. It is UNFAIR for him to have to listen to the sounds of children while he is trying to eat. The children become louder and louder and the toddler breaks out in a full tantrum. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
Dick – OFFENDED
How dare these people take their kids out to a public restaurant! It is RUDE! He is trying to eat! Dick decides he has had enough and he is LEAVING!!! AND he is not going to give that server a tip. It is his right to know if that server has a Penis or Vagina, and since he can’t tell… then he is not leaving a tip! That will teach that server to walk around looking like that!
As Dick is leaving the restaurant, he looks at the table with the kids and gives them a really dirty look. He can not believe these awful people. There is also a very big group of about 10 people seated in the middle of the restaurant and they are making a lot of noise… but at least they don’t have kids at the table!
Dick has had a very bad day. Many things have offended Dick. He is not even sure he will ever have a good day again because the world is changing and Dick does not like it. He wants things to be exactly the same way they were when he was five yrs. old.
When Dick was five yrs. old, all he did was play in his front yard with his neighbor friends and go to church on Sunday. His life was very simple. And he wants it that way NOW!!! Dick doesn’t understand why all the other people that are also on this Earth DO NOT do things the way he wants them to be.
Dick is so upset that he decides to go visit his very best friend Jane. Dick and Jane have been best friends since they were children. He loves Jane. She always seems to understand him.
Jane invites Dick in, and Dick begins to tell her all about his troubles. All of the offensive things that the world keeps doing to him!
Jane sits Dick down and explains to him how he is not the only person on this rotating planet. She explains to him that even though the world may have seemed different when he was five yrs. old… it really wasn’t. He was only five so his experiences were very limited. The world has always been this way. And ALL people are having a different experience. She also explained to Dick that getting offended by such silly things is really only hurting himself. Because people will always do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jane continues on by telling Dick that he is really just being a Dick… and needs to chill out… and that if he stopped noticing so much what other people were doing and instead focused on what he was doing… his day would probably go much better. And he wouldn’t be so concerned about what anyone else chooses to do with their life.
Dick thinks about all that Jane has said. Maybe Jane is right!! Maybe Dick and Jane should just chill!!! Order some pizza, turn on Netflix… and CHILL!!!
Dick thinks that’s a good idea! And now Dick is no longer such a dick…
It’s not always easy finding that one person that you want to spend all your time with. That one person that just gets you! Understands all of your quirky ways, and loves you anyway. We all want to be loved and accepted exactly as we are right?! And when you find that person… the one that accepts you with all your crazy, and still wants to hang out with you anyway… You keep that person, and don’t let them go!!
For instance…
– Let’s say that you got really sick and had to be put on a very high dosage of antibiotics. And because you were on those antibiotics for a while, you ended up getting a very bad Vagina infection caused by the antibiotics. (it happens)
Now your Vagina area is basically a fiery pit of fiery hell that is ON FIRE!!!… Did I mention the fire?
You call your Doctor, and they tell you to go get some over the counter Vagina medicine and use it. But you are at home and wrapped up in your heated blanket and don’t want to leave.
So you call your guy and tell him the situation. He goes to the store for you, and even asks the store clerk which medicine is the very best for Vagina burn… and he not only buys the Vagina medicine but also brings you a pack of Reese’s pumpkins!
YOU MARRY THAT GUY!!!! You marry him and stay with him FOREVER!!!!
If your guy is not afraid to buy Vagina medicine for you and even asks the store clerk what is the very best kind, he is a keeper for LIFE!!
***You should marry him… or at least give him a blow job… (guys love blow jobs).. I totally went there.. 😉
– Or if it happens to be that time of the month, and you are crabby AND crampy and not at all feeling good. Plus you have run out of tampons and need some stat!! If your guy stops at the store and gets you tampons, a heating pad, a DVD of the Notebook, AND a container of Ben and Jerry’s with a side of potato chips… MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!… or at least you could play a game of “sink the sausage” with him!… I would wait until Aunt Flow decides to leave… unless you are one of those “I earned my red wings” type of folks…. Too Far??..
– If your significant partner always makes sure that YOU “get there first!” Meaning, they make sure that you have reached the top of the mountain before they finish!… Basically they do not stop until you have an orgasm… then trust me, DO NOT let them go!! EVER!!! Especially if they are willing to take however long it needs to take, AND they are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get you there… IE – dressing up like a pirate, or saying things like “have you been naughty today”… or rubbing whatever needs to be rubbed even if it’s located in a hard to reach spot! I’m saying if a person is willing to do what it takes to get you where you need to go…. KEEP THEM FOREVER!!!
– If you are sick with the flu, and your partner says “Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner for the kids.” And even though they can not cook at all so they order a pizza for the kids, but still try to heat you up a can of soup… this is a person you want to keep around!! Don’t let them go… Or least don’t let them go until they pay the pizza guy..
– If your person HATES chocolate cake, but always orders chocolate cake for dessert when you go out to eat together because they know you love it….. Marry that person!!!
– We live in a time of equality for all people. It is a great time, and I am a strong believer in equality for all people. But I also am a strong believer in manners. And if you happen to be out with a person (guy or girl) that holds open the car door for you, or offers you a hand to get in and out of a vehicle that you are having trouble getting in and out of then that is a person with genuine manners for another person. If they hold open a door for you so that you can walk through first, they are someone you want to keep around.
– If you just had a baby, and you are feeling not yourself at all. You are feeling fat, and ugly, and you can not seem to find yourself. And your guy looks at you and says to you that “You are more beautiful than you have ever been”… stay with him forever! Because he sees you!!!
– If you happen to be a person that has tremendous anxiety attacks or a panicky type of nature for the most part. You never know when something could set it off and send you into a tailspin of anxiety. And you happen to be with a partner who is the complete opposite of that, and they tend to have a much calmer nature about themselves. They have never really been able to understand your anxiety at all but when something occurs, they still look at you directly in your face and tell you “Everything will be okay, Everything is alright” over and over and over until you actually calm down enough to believe it… that is a wonderful person and you should not let them go! Actually you should marry them… or at least cuddle with them!!
–Let’s just say hypothetically that you “accidentally” ran over the jack hole douche nozzle that kept cutting you off, and passing you on the road almost causing a massive car accident that would have hurt a lot of people. You are not sure what to do, and so you call your person and tell them what happened. And instead of lecturing you about how you really need to work on your road rage, they instead help you dig a hole in the backyard. That is the person that you not only want to marry, but you might want to make sure you keep them happy!! They know stuff about you now…
– If you are with someone who makes you laugh, and says nice things to you, then you should hang out with them. If you have fun together, and you really like them a lot, stay with them. If your person is the type of person that walks through a store and sees something that reminds them of you, so they buy it for you because they know how much you will love it. Or you are hanging out with a person that smiles and lights up every time your eyes connect. If you catch your person looking at you, and they immediately wink and smile, this is the person that you don’t want to let slip away… Hold on to them as tight as you can! I mean… don’t lock them up in a basement or anything… unless they ask you to of course…
I have been hanging out with my guy for 28 years now! I like him. We like hanging out together, so we do! It’s not always easy, and it’s not always fun… because life can be like that sometimes. But when you find your tribe… your people,… the ones that see you.. I mean really see YOU… those tough times of life become not so tough to face. Finding your people.. the ones that really see you, can truly change your life.
If you have someone in your life that you like hanging out with.. then do it!! It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that!!
It’s the last day of summer! That statement alone can bring up so many different kinds of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, unsure, nostalgic, and excited all at the same time.
It’s now the time that we all get ready for the crisp days of Autumn that are quickly approaching, which hopefully starts to prepare us for the ever coming LONG, cold days of Winter. The closing of a year and looking back at all the things that took place and happened. Good and bad. The start of a New Year which makes us all feel like we have another chance to do the things that we did not get done, or start something new that we have always wanted to start. It gives us a feeling of refresh. It also at the same time gives us a realization that time is flying on by, and there is nothing we can do to stop it.
I have always had a bad relationship with time. First of all, I am NEVER ON TIME!!!! I have tried over the years all the different techniques and tricks to cure myself of this on going ALWAYS LATE thing that I have, but nothing has ever worked. So I have decided that it is just part of my DNA. Time and I will never be friends. Who came up with time anyway?? Who was it that decided we need a number to tell us when we have to be here or there, and we need more numbers to tell us how old we are getting by each passing year, and how we are not getting enough done and just letting time slip through our fingers. It’s offensive really!!! I mean… It’s hard enough just trying to live in the moment and then you have the lingering… “Time is passing” hanging over your head.
Truthfully the gray hair on my head, and the fact that my 10-year-old is as tall as me, and my oldest “baby” is now nowhere near being a baby is reminder enough that time is ticking by. Those numbers just give me stress!!
I do long for the routine that comes with the ending of Summer. I love the routine, but at the same time I dread it. Being on a set routine makes me feel more like I am accomplishing life better, but at the same time it also makes me feel like I am missing it.
I am missing the random funny craziness that comes with enjoying every moment and not having to rush from one thing to the next. I tend to be on auto pilot with the routine and tend to miss so much more around me.
It’s the last day of Summer!
– I look forward to peeing without an audience! And yet what will I do when I run out of toilet paper and am sitting there with no one to bring me some?! Buster has never been good about bringing me things I need! (That’s because he’s a dog and prefers to have ME do everything for him rather than help me out at all) .. you know how dogs can be!! It’s either get up with doodie butt, or sit there in hopes that someone will eventually come into the house and save you…
– I look forward to NO FIGHTING!!! No more “He said this to me… she said that to me… Tell her to STOP touching my things, tell him to STOP saying that to me! MOOOOOM he farted and it smells like dead mouse, MOOOOOM she said my farts smell like dead mouse!”… you get the idea! Oh who am I kidding, there is still evenings and weekends and all HOLIDAYS!! And those pesky DAYS OFF from school!!!
– I look forward to having a clean house again! Even if it only lasts for eight hours of the day. I will roll around on the toy-less floor, and know that there will be NO legos to stab me in the pancreas!
– I look forward to not hearing “I’m BORED I’m BORED I’m BORED” every day, ..and yet those I’m boreds are sure to be replaced with “I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework!”..
I look forward to silence!! Yet I also fear the silence. Because with silence comes thoughts. And with thoughts comes anxiety. So if I could just figure out how to not have thoughts anymore. Or maybe I just need to get better thoughts. How do I get better thoughts?? hmm…
The last day of Summer… Until next year, when all my people will be just a little bit older, and a little bit taller. Their brand new clothes that we just bought will no longer fit them. They will have better math skills and will have learned about the Boston Tea party. My little girl may want to replace her pink doll house with a black computer desk, and my little boy may want to be called “Charles” now instead of “Charlie”… but maybe not.. Maybe I have some more time… maybe..
It’s the last day of Summer!… Goodbye Summer…
I will also look forward to not having tricks like this played on me!! and yet maybe….
Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are.
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am.
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
– For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
– I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes, I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)
Welcome to my bed!
~
– Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
– When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.)
– When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me… you are an asshole!
– If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,) I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
– Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them.
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!” There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
There it is… More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well.. Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…
Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?
Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!
1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.
2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!
3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)
4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.
5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.
6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.
7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.
8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!!
9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.
10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans.
11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!
12) Always remember Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!
13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.
14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.
15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?
16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person.
17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.
18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!
19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!
20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!
So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!
**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.
You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!
7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!
I have struggled to be famous for over a decade. I have learned talent and hard-work are not key factors. This blog is dedicated to my pursuit in figuring out what it takes… to be famous.
Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again.. 