20’s vs 40’s! Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance! 
 
 
 
This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!!  Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know! 
 
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
 
Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.
 
 
Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”
 
 
 
Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!
 
 
 
Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”… 
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”
 
 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!! 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:
 
 
Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”
 
 
Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…
 
 
I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!! 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it. 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!
 
 
 
Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!).. 
 
 
 
Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…
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Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!
 
 
 
Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”… 
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be.  I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE! 
 
 
 
So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!
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It’s Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp!~…period 101(not really though)

Let’s talk about periods!! 50% of the population has to deal with this ridiculous monthly BS. Some folks like to say their monthly “friend” pays them a visit. I don’t consider that bitch to be my friend. We are NOT friends. So I usually call it my monthly cocksucking mother fucker is paying me a visit. But that’s just me! For the sake of this post ..let’s call it RED. The older I get, the more that jerkface gets weirder and weirder. Like for instance, I used to be able to pinpoint exactly when RED was going to arrive. Not these days though. RED shows up any damn time RED pleases. And sometimes without any warning. I had become pretty good at recognizing the signs before RED was going to appear. Things like wanting to stab my husband in his eye with any number of sharp objects …or that weird feeling of my vagina starting to shrivel up to prepare itself for the blood bath. Recently though, …RED has shown up without any pre warnings. I could usually trust RED was on his way when I would want to shove 10 tons of chocolate in my face while simultaneously inhaling french fries. The combination is very complimentary of each other, so don’t knock it until you try it okay??…And WHY has no one come up with chocolate covered french fries?? What kind of world do we live in?? Why is this not a thing??

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The RED rituals can start from anywhere between the ages of 9 and 13 depending on the person, and that person will then need to ride the cotton pony every month until they enter their 40’s or 50’s. This varies between each person. Do you realize that is about 40 years of surfing the crimson wave, or parting the red sea, or paging Edward Cullan, or postponing your visit to Maury, aka,  not the father week, or birthing a blood diamond, or however you choose to describe the event. I always found it funny when I would see shows where they portray a girl fainting at the sight of blood! um, really??… a girl will see more blood in her lifetime than most dudes will ever see!! but yeah…

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So as I was thinking about Red, and why I hate him so much… YES… Red is a dude… it has to be…. anyway… Here are some reasons why Red is a mother fucking cocksucking whore!

 
1) Waxing with Wings – The number one reason I HATE using pads with wings is because every single time those stupid wings end up sticking to my hair rather than sticking to the panties. It’s like it starts out all good, I take off the tabs and wrap them around the underwear …and somewhere between getting up and walking out of the bathroom those fuckers do a 180 and flip up attaching to my hairy bits and every step at that point is basically ripping out chunks of hair that is attached to my vagina. By the time I make it back to the bathroom to adjust everything, most of my hair is stuck to the pad. No need to get that wax job done now…. thanks wings…

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2) Anyone who wears pads knows that the biggest worry is if it looks like a diaper butt in the back. If you see a group of girls walking, and one girl runs to the front while all the other girls are staring at her ass, it’s not because they like the look of her ass in those sweats. She needs to know if you can see the pad through the sweats and if it looks like diaper ass. No one wants diaper ass!! It happens though…

 
3) Along with diaper ass you also have the “did I leak through” ass. Every girl worries about this. Especially if you are wearing white. I NEVER wear white during shark week, but there have been those times when RED did that show up early BS and surprised you, and you happen to be walking through Target browsing at bathing suits, thinking about maybe trying one on… and then BOOM! Fuck You Aunt Flow!!!!

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4) I personally am not a huge fan of tampons, but the way it goes is, you either are a tampon person or a pad person. Sometimes you might be in a situation when you have to wear both, just to be safe. But generally you have the pad people, and the tampon people and they don’t usually mix. My reason for not loving tampons is I hate when you have been out all day, and you finally get a chance to change out your blood stick, but somewhere throughout the day, the string made it’s way up your vagina and now you basically have to go fishing up your twat with your fingers to find it and pull it out! Good times, everyone loves fishing right??…

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5) Sleeping!! Oh the joys of sleeping while RED is visiting! You go to sleep feeling secure in your choice of tampon or pad, knowing that they got you covered and they are going to do the job that they promised to do, and protect you with their “leak protection promises” and their “super absorbent core.” LIES!!!! They are all LIES! You wake up in the morning looking like carrie at the prom!

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6) The reappearing period! What the hell Red!! It’s like all of a sudden Red is a jokester and likes playing pranks on people. It will seem as though Red is done. All packed up and heading out of town. So I will put away the tampons and pads and put on my “good” panties that I would never wear during Red’s visit because Red is a certified asshole that likes to ruin good panties. All seems well, and I am certain Red is finally out the door, and then NOPE…. all of sudden it’s like some kind of horrible joke. Red is sitting there laughing his ass off saying.. “hahahahah you’ve been punked! I’m not leaving yet!”…. My nice panties are ruined….

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So there you have it…. To be honest there is so much more I could say on this subject. I may have to do a part 2! And to all the dudes that might read this…. For the love of all that is good in life, get your girl some friggin chocolate if you want to live!!!!

 

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My Guest is super Bitchy!~ GUEST BLOGGER

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Who’s ready for a rant?… I thought so. Though, I don’t want to disappoint all you loyal Vagina readers out there, but this is not she. The voice you are hearing (words you are reading?) is that of Vagina’s sister. I am not going to try to come up with a clever nick name involving a body part. That conversation could get awkward… though I am fairly sure that my lovely sister would not shy away from the challenge. But if you guys are watchers of her videos (which, if you’re not, you totally should be!!! Do it now!) I am the “Creeper” found in the Shopping with Vagina’s Mom video that took place at Goodwill. Some background detail…. The Goodwill associates kept asking me if I was going to buy what I was wearing, except all of that: the sunglasses, the poncho, the hat are all mine and are currently sitting in my closet. So, go watch the video and come back and know how cool the person is you are listening (reading?) to is.

 

So, I told my sister quite sometime ago I would do a guest blog for her. She and I both share the same annoyances with social media. Much of what you have read or watched of her talking about Facebook spawns from conversations we seem to have on a regular basis. The rants got more frequent when she started this blog and I became a Communication major. (So, side note: The only reason the rants got more frequent for her is because she now spends much more time on social media hobnobbing with other bloggers, whom she loves. And she LOVES all her readers. But you must relate in that after so many hours on Face Book you start to get a little twitchy.) I am little more hardcore in that I REALLY hate all forms of social media yet am still an active user of it…and I hate myself. I have the FB app on my phone and I use it during times of boredom (generally during class, it’s a problem). But there is never anything interesting on there. I try to delete it, once went 6 months without it, but something always brings me back. But now to connect all this to why being a Communication Major has made my hate stronger.

 

The study of Communication (not CommunicationS) is the study of how people relate to other people. So, romantic relationships, work place interactions etc… One of my favorite subjects I have come across is that of friendships. I think it is because I finally knew that what I was feeling when it came to my friendships was completely normal. I am one of these people that has had a lot of other people come in and out of her life but only considers very FEW of them friends, the rest are close acquaintances. That sorta means that my friendships are some of the closest relationships I have to my heart and when they end I find my heart breaks much like someone else’s might when a romantic relationship ends. Social media has made more people experience this type of “friendship breakup”. Hold on now before you go disagreeing… let me make my case.

 

Years and years of studies have shown that the ending of romantic relationships is suppose to naturally end with a final cut off point. A time when both partners can look at a moment and say “yeah, that’s when we broke up.” Friendships naturally act differently. They slowly disintegrate without much notice. You may note not calling or texting them as much but if it doesn’t end in a huge fight, they usually just float away. But when you look back at the friendship, though it has ended, you usually don’t look back with bad memories. Think of your best friends during High School. Now take the fact that they are your Facebook friend out of the picture. Are they active in your life? Do you make phone calls checking up on their lives? Do your kids know them and associate them with you? When something big happens, are they on the top of your list of people to distinctly tell? (And not just the recipients of a FB status?)… If not, then they aren’t actively your friend. They are a past friend. Now don’t feel bad, it’s totally ok and NATURAL. This is how they are suppose to work. But with the introduction of social media and new technologies into our lives these relationship (or more accurately the ending of them) has changed. And I think for the worst.

 

I started my Facebook when was in high school. The group of people I had on there are a completely different group than I have now, with very few exceptions. But most people collect friends on FB as they go. In real life you may have stopped seeing this person but you still get their status updates and pictures of their lives on your newsfeed. This constant connection to a person that you were once close with but have naturally grown apart from can be hurtful to yourself. The friendship has not been allowed to disappear and take its proper place in your life as a lovely memory. It is instead thrown in your face day after day, however long you let that relationship go… even if you didn’t mean to or even if you did. Because now you have to officially end the relationship and create a cutting off point. You must DELETE them from your online life… and many of us don’t have the balls (Vagina? Yeah, I think my sister would prefer to use the term vagina for the strongest part of any human body) We don’t have the Vaginas do it. But, I finally did mine justice and started deleting people. However, its amazing how many people must check their friend lists on an hourly basis and I started getting friend requests back immediately. It’s the real world equivalent of finally closing your door on a person who barely knew it was open and then having them run up and start knocking and ringing your doorbell to let them in again. For a person like me (and I think most people who’ve actually done this) that is heart breaking.

 

This can be translated to Twitter and Instagram… you have to make the conscious choice to stop following the social media lives of this person and to cut them off from yours. Even cellphones have had their hand in this. We now have the lovely technology to transfer all the numbers and pictures and apps from our old phone to our new ones. Have you ever gone through your contact list and made a note of how many numbers you NEVER use anymore, of people you don’t talk to anymore? When I was young, I memorized the numbers of my best friends and if you weren’t my best friend anymore I didn’t call you as much and my brain would naturally forget your number. We are forced to watch the lives of people we once considered close. If your anything like me…its not always fun. Some people’s stories make me sad. I hate seeing where their lives are going. Or something about them made me want to get their negative influence out my life but there was no need to tell them directly… because they had mostly forgotten about me too but somehow they notice and force you to keep that negativity on your newsfeed. Or (most heart breaking) people I was terribly close with and am no longer in their actual lives and I see it moving and it makes me happy that they’re happy… but I MISS them. And if I didn’t have to see it every time I got on FB, I would think back and nostalgically miss them but now I actively miss them and its hard.

 

This effect of social media on our friendships has not had a lot of research done about it (In fact, I was told to go to grad school and study it… but at this point it will be a cold day in hell before I walk back into the education system again… OK, that’s a rant for a different day!!) But I can tell you it is annoying and sad and hard… but yet I still engage. I try to keep my friend list trim and only keep people in which I talk to currently or believe I will talk to again for one reason or another. But there are a couple that are there cause they just keep sending friend requests back or because I just don’t have the Vagina to do it… because I still love them and sometimes wish to see these people again even though I know I probably won’t. So, there it is. My BIGGEST complaint about social media. It’s annoying and I’ll probably delete it again… and then bring it back again. Its freaking addicting! But just so you know, if you’re feeling any of these ways, so is everybody else. But since none of us are getting rid of our profiles and twitter feeds, how about we all agree to stop posting political and religious rants, A different selfie everyday, Talking about how terrible your life is, or how absolutely amazing it is…Oh, and most importantly, no more TROLLING!… Or how about you just go and watch Vagina’s videos about people on Facebook and try not to be THOSE people. And thanks for listening to our rants! I look forward to your interesting and thought provoking comments 😉 (PS I only care about interesting and thought provoking comments.)

 

Here is the video that my super bitchy Guest Blogger is in! Check it out!~ What a creeper…;)

 

Ladies and Gentlemen…A MUST READ!!..not really though

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Here is the thing…I happen to be a girl. I have a Vagina, and I have used it. Having a Vagina is not the only thing that makes me a girl. I just wanted to say Vagina…again. Anyway…when you happen to be a girl, there are things that we have to deal with that dudes don’t understand. Things that we think about and get paranoid about. Now I am not saying that dudes don’t have their own stuff that they think about or get paranoid about, but in most cases, it is just different than what a girl has going on in her head.

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Have you ever heard of that book Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars? I don’t usually like to generalize any gender or throw labels on anyone…I am just mostly speaking from experience of being a girl and having these thoughts in my head. So I came up with some things that girls think about or get paranoid about. Remember I am not speaking about every girl on the planet. I am not generalizing, I’m just sayin is all….

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We obsess about pictures taken of us. Especially if some asshole decides to put it on facebook and tag you in it. Then that picture is blasted straight up on your home page for all the world to see. We don’t want pictures of us having double chins floating around on the damn internet for the world to see. If I am getting tagged in a picture…it better not be showing my butt crack and making me look like I am 792 pounds. It’s all about the angles people. Everyone knows that you need to take the picture from up above so that your double chin doesn’t show, and you get a pretty good shot of the boobs at that angle which then covers up the gut. But then there is always that schmo that KNOWS your picture sucks and posts it anyway.

 

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Another thing us girls have to think about is that time of the month. You all know what time I am talking about. That awesome 5 to 7 days filled with having to go out in public and worry if anyone can see your pad puffing out the back of your pants and if it looks like you are wearing a diaper. Some girls use tampons which have their own set of issues. Like did it actually soak up everything or did it leak through on to your white pants. You are walking through the store only to realize that it feels a little wettish down there, so you start panicking thinking…oh shit…did I leak through. The bathroom is on the other side of the store…so now you have to walk all the way through the store with possible blood soiled all over the back of your pants and hoping no one sees. awesome….

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We also as girls worry about our weight. I know, I know….this is very cliche but it’s the truth. I often think we as girls worry about how we look in clothes more than any dude actually even notices. We worry if the new dress we bought accentuates the hips and ass area. I will stand in front of a mirror for days trying to get a glimpse of my ass to make sure it doesn’t look like I stuffed it into my outfit and it is billowing out. The reason we ask our guy if we look fat in the outfit is because we want to know! Do we look fat in it!! So answer the damn question and quit being an asshole. And make sure you answer that question with NO! …you look amazing in it!!! Just a little friendly advice guys…

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Girls often worry about how much food they might consume in front of people. Obviously if you are comfortable in front of a group of friends….you might not worry as much. But on a first date…the last thing a girl wants to do is stuff  her face full of 10 tacos. He might think she is a pig or something. The funny thing about that is…he probably would be excited that he found someone he could power eat tacos with!!

 

A girl often worries about the way she smells. Not just worrying about whether she has bad breath or not, but we worry if we stink at all. We are delicate, fragile creatures and we want to smell like flowers. That is actually bullshit!!! We are not delicate….NOR are we fragile. Most girls can fuck you up just as much as any dude can!! So stop with that …” oh, you hit like a girl” crap!! I think that saying should go more like this…” oh you hit like a dumbass!” because that would be more truthful really. There happens to be a whole lot of dumbasses hanging around on this planet.

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I decided since I came up with some things that girls get paranoid about….to be fair…I should throw in what dudes think about and what makes them paranoid! This is what I came up with:

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Penis Size!! That’s it folks….that is what dudes think about. Penis size. The thing is…most girls don’t give a flying fuck about a dudes penis size. If she says she does….it’s usually just to mess with the guy. All a girl cares about is if you know how to use the penis. You use that thing the right way, she won’t care if it’s so small she can’t even see it. You just need to know how to use it. And the truth is….you don’t even need a penis to please a woman in the right way. You just need to know how to use what you got. If you don’t know how to use it…then figure it out!!

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Dudes be talking about….”Am I bigger than your last boyfriend,  is my penis big and scary?” Listen guys….a bit of advice…..use your penis in the right way….and she will be yours forever!!!

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So there it is!! Remember don’t get all upset saying to me that all dudes aren’t like that and all girls aren’t like that!….DUH!!!

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Kumbayah Motherfuckers….

 

and look at my video…

 

A Year of Vagina…and a Big Thank You…

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Well folks…it’s been a year! A year of Vagina!!! Last year around this time, I decided to start blogging. I have always loved writing….so with some encouragement from some of my people…and the fact that all my kids are in school now which gives me a little more time to pursue this…I decided to do it. And now here I am!!

 
When I look back through the year….I have met some AMAZING people with this gig. I have the BEST folks that come and read my crazy, they always comment, and stick around to see what’s coming next. I have absolute appreciation for all of you! Thank you for always supporting and commenting and coming back for more!! I will gladly share my crazy with you! You guys are the BEST!

 
I posted this on my personal facebook page the other day with this story and it would not let me post it on my blog page. So I was like fuck you facebook, then I will put it in a blog post…because fuck you…that’s why!!!!

 

Here is my Super Cool Facebook Story for you!!~

Some of the pics are fuzzy…

Pay attention to me…

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Pay Attention to me…NOW…

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Pay Attention to me NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU…

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Hey look…I’m in your arm hole!!….um….that didn’t sound right..

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FINE!!!!…I’ll just go take a picture of my boobs then…

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SELFIE in the bathroom time!!!…duckface….

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The 13 yr. old thinking she owns all the pop corn!!..

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EEEK!!…she can have the damn pop corn….she looks possessed..

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My mom’s on a diet!! or at least that’s what she said…

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Creeper cupcakes!!! I did it…I actually did it!….okay….my daughter made the faces, but I pulled up the picture on Google images so don’t even!!

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If only Buster could find a lady friend that understands him…

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So that’s the end of my Facebook story! I hope you liked it!

Now because this is my year anniversary of starting this blog…I wanted to share with all of you some of my MOST Favorite blogs and pages on the internet. These are the blogs I read, and pages I visit often. These people are the friggin bomb diggity of the inter webs!

Renegade Mothering  –  Amazing, beautiful, and one of the reasons I started my blog!  Go to her…you will NOT be disappointed.

Dumbass News – This guy will keep you laughing all day. He is hilarious, and a one of a kind Fearless Leader. He is just a really great guy!

Comfytown Chronicles – Make sure to be wearing a diaper because YOU WILL piss yourself. Then you will feel weird about it,…but just keep reading….she will make you feel all better in no time! Plus….she is just AWESOME!!

List of X – One of the first people to actually read and comment on my crazy, and he still comes back for more. His lists are the BEST top ten lists around. David Letterman has NOTHING on this guy. plus….he’s just pretty damn cool…

Cancer: My journey back to Health-Kicking and Screaming the Whole damn way – I love this lady!! She has been writing an awesome novel, and you need to visit her just to see the pictures of the SnackStadium she built!! AMAZING!

Bill McMorrow – This guy….this guy right here!! He never reads my shit but he is pretty damn funny and makes me laugh every day! My favorite thing about Bill….you can say anything to him and he won’t cry like a little bitch. 🙂 It’s nice! So I am going to have to physically go and put this on his page so he can see it….because I WILL NOT BE IGNORED BILL!!! go read him…he’s funny

Chronically Sick and sometimes manic Mother – Another amazing Momma here! Very real, and open about the struggles of being a Mom and having to deal with Fibro arthritis and anxiety.  And she’s funny too…

Dribbles and Grits – Just trust me…she is hilarious and will keep you laughing all day!

I have so many more I want to share with you! Some of my favorite blogs and folks that come around and visit:

REDdog  – ❤       More than Cheese and Beer – ❤    I won’t take it – ❤     A pleasant house – ❤

El Guapo – I just came across this blog not too long ago and am loving it!..Genius I say..

LisaEggs – I Love Lisa!! She has become a great friend to me. I have a hell of a time getting to her blog and I can’t figure out why, but I love her to pieces!! <3…LISA, I can’t find a link for your blog…HELP ME…

 

THANK YOU to the most AMAZING people that come around and leave the BEST comments!! You guys friggin ROCK!!!!

Lisa – <3, Susan Fatcheric Paetow – ❤ , Joy Christi – <3, Maureen Martini- <3, Lisa Strandt-Murray – <3, Sofia Leo – <3, Heather Myers – <3, Stacey Starlin Glenn- <3, Samantha Stainsby – <3, Jessica Cooper – <3, Katie Bates – <3, Laura Lynn – <3, Ruth Cassidy-<3, Jen OConnell – <3, Shelby Casebolt – <3, Paula Walker – <3, JoAnn DeAngelo – <3, Christina Begnal – <3, Jennifer Michelle – <3, Destiny Stark – <3, Katie Dehesa- <3,  Megan Peterson Allen – <3, Audra Rhodes – <3, Amber Rhodes – <3,  Erika C. Smith – <3, Shelley-An Spargur – <3, Stephanie Archuleta-Jones – <3, EM Contreras – <3, Cindy Davis – <3, Erin Messer – <3, Samantha Becker – ❤ I know there is so many more of you , and I appreciate ALL of you!! If I didn’t get your name here….tell me to fuck off in the comments and I will make a new post just for you!! 🙂

 

I also have a shit ton of Facebook pages that I love: Mommy Madness, Dumbass News, Comfytown Chronicles, You Can’t Offend the Offensive, Chronically Sick and Sometimes Manic Mother, More than Cheese and Beer, Renegade Mothering, and there is so many more but this post is never going to get done if I keep going!

 

This is my BIG VAGINA Thank You to all you lovely people!~( not that my vagina is big) … If I missed anyone,..I am truly sorry. I’m not kidding when I say my brain doesn’t work as good as it used too. I can’t even remember my kids names most of the time. The question I fear most is…”What is their Birth date?” I hate when I get asked that because if I can’t even remember their names how am I going to remember their birth date!! Anyway…Thank you to all you awesome folks!! I LOVE YOU!! ❤

And I made a Video…

Happy VAGintines Day!~ <3

I don’t know why this happens to me…. but for some reason, every Valentines day I end up having to go and see my Vagina doctor. It just always works out like that. Us ladies have to go to the doctor once a year, and get our vagina’s looked at. It’s just one of those things that comes along with having a vagina. It has it’s very own special doctor. So every year on Valentines day…. I get myself all ready, shave my legs, and underarms, put on my good smelling lotion(because anyone putting their head anywhere near my vagina gets the good smelling lotion.) It’s just polite ya know. 😉

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So here we are again…. Valentines day has come around. Considering every year my date happens to be a dude looking in my Vagina, I like to refer to that day as Vagintines day! It’s been a thing now for the last few years because every year, I am certain I am getting some action down there. Now maybe it is not the kind of action a girl really looks forward to…. but my doctor has this nifty warming thing that warms up that evil silver tongs tool that makes the experience a little less awful.

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I still like to go to my happy place when I have to let out the girls (my boob sacks)… yep… I said sacks…. anyway, I still like to go to my happy place when he is giving them the squishy squeezies because it’s just awkward ya know. I mean… my boobs are not as perky as they used to be. Okay… I lied… they were never really “perky.” Listen… they were working boobs for many years. After 4 kids sucked the ever loving life out of them…. they lost their uhmpph, if you know what I mean. They have worked hard and deserve retirement. In other words…. as I am lying there while the doc is doing his thing… I am focusing on trying to prop those bitches up with my arms so they don’t fall in my armpits and disappear. The one thing I do not want to hear from the doctor is… “Um, I can’t find your boobs? Where did they go?” What a nightmare that would be!!

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I know some folks really do not look forward to Valentines day. I get it. I mean a day that focuses on Love and being in love, and finding love and all of that…. it can be very irritating to the folks that either have no desire to be in love, or really just haven’t found that right person yet.

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My theory of the whole thing is this… you want to get lucky on Valentines day…. make your pap smear appt. on February 14. You will get lucky every damn year!!!!

 

I have some tips for you though.

 

Tip 1 – I still don’t shave above the knee for the Vagina doctor…. but depending on who your doctor is, and how much you like them, you might want to. I always forget to shave the actual knee though. Don’t forget to shave the knee ladies.

Tip 2 – Stop using bar soap right now!!! Just do it!!!! Seriously….. think about the first thing you washed in the shower…. now think about the last thing you washed. Now picture the person that was in the shower before you, and imagine the first thing they washed, and the last thing they washed. … Where do you think all those little hairs come from?… yeah… you are welcome!!! Stop using the bar soap!!

Tip 3 – Tip number 2 has nothing to do with Valentines day. Just a little friendly advice.

Tip 4 – Buy lots and lots of chocolate. If you receive chocolate from someone…. awesome. But you need to ensure that you will have back up chocolate. If you happen to not receive any chocolate, you then can pull out the chocolate you already purchased…. Draw a heart on the package…. Hide in the closet… (for the sole purpose of NOT SHARING) and polish off that MOfo!! EVeRY LAST BIT!!!

Tip 5 – It couldn’t hurt to also take some Vodka into the closet with you. Now I know some of you are like “Oh but that seems all alcholic-ish and what not.” But listen, you are already in there with your chocolate, you might as well take the rest of the party in there with you. Think of it as playing hide and seek…. You against the world.

So yeah…. with these tips… your valentines is sure to be the best day ever…. maybe not….

HAPPY VAGINTINES DAY EVERYONE!! ❤

I found some Valentines that I wanted to share with you.

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This video was my daughter’s idea. She thought it would be funny to show you all what an idiot I am. So yeah….here it is….my attempt at trying to play a video game.

 

Facebook Fuckery… part II

 

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This is the second part of the Facebook fuckery post. It is SUPER bitchy. Maybe even more bitchy than the last one. I am going to write an entire post about braggy moms. Maybe this is more of a vent. To get this off my chest. Nothing in this world is more annoying than a braggy mom. Seriously people…..stop! JUST STOP with the bragging all the time. Especially on facebook because really?????…. Here is the thing. I am a mom. I have 4 of those succubus’s that clawed straight through my vagina to make their way into this world. Listen…I love them. I even think they are cute half the time….when they are not sucking the life straight out of me. But these mom’s with the bragging all the time. I can’t even!!! I just can’t.

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Every time I get on facebook and  see a post like this…” Bobby got straight A’s on his report card…again, and made it on the honor roll for the 10th time this year…again!” You know what I do when I see that….the same thing everyone does when they see that. ROLL MY EYES as far back as they can go. Trust me when I tell you this…..everyone reading it is rolling their eyes. Unless of course it is their grandma. Even then, she might be rolling her eyes…you just never know. My mom would probably roll her eyes. 😉

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Anyway…This thing about trying to make people think YOUR kid is somehow better than everyone else’s is BALONEY people. No one is going to think that YOUR kid is better than their own kid. It is just NOT going to happen. I believe in being proud of your kids. My kids have done some amazing things that make me unbelievably proud. But for me to get on facebook and make some lame post about how perfect they are is an obvious BRAG! There is a big difference between being proud and bragging like your kid is the best thing ever. The funny part about it is that when a person is going on about all of their kids accomplishments, no one is buying it even for a second. Talent shoes on it’s own. If someone is talented…people will see it. I do not need to tell everyone how talented and smart my kid is because if my kid does something really cool…people will see it on their own. I guarantee Johnny Depp’s mom does not need to walk around telling people how talented her son is. I feel like when people go on and on about the accomplishments of their kids…..they either need validation of some kind….or they are lacking confidence in the sitation because why do they need other people to say….” Oh…your kid is so awesome.” I don’t know….the thing is…why can’t you just be real. Nothing wrong with being proud…but be friggin real! No kid is perfect. You make people feel shitty when all you do is go on like your life is so fucking perfect, and YOU have all the answers. It’s just not true!

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Being happy is a wonderful thing. I am very happy. But it would be false information for me to display that my life is perfect, and I am consistantly happy every second of every day. I don’t even think that is what this life is suppose to be about. I believe it is about learning and growing and more than anything…evolving! Connecting with each other on a real life level. When you learn and grow….you evolve. It’s when you stay so damn stuck in a thought process, that you truly believe you have nothing more to learn, and you literally just stop evolving as a person. You reject anything new. That is called becoming stagnate and it is not healthy for anybody.

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So my point to this whole thing is….I don’t give a flying fuck if your kid is so smart that he or she passed whatever with flying colors, and is so damn talented that they can do amazing things with their toes. Awesome!! Cool! But seriously though…..YOU be proud of them. you tell THEM that they are awesome. No one else really needs to know. The people that matter will see it anyway. All the other people that you brag too are just going to get annoyed and think you are an asshole!! Sorry….but it’s true….

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Love your kids….be proud of your kids accomplishments…..Tell THEM that you are proud! Show THEM that they are awesome. But if you want to connect with other mom’s….stop trying to be the one -upper and make it like you are a better mom. We are all just doing the best we can. One way is not the ONLY way!!! It’s awesome if you only feed your kids organic food, and you breast fed your kid until they were 12 ( sarcasm people) and you would never allow your kids to use products that contain red dye number 2!! Cool!! Wonderful!! That makes you awesome. But you are no more awesome than the mom who just barely got macaroni and cheese made for dinner because she didn’t have time to do anything else. We are all doing the best we can. I SUCK at cooking!! Everyone knows this. I’m not good with a fry pan. I mean…piss me off and I can throw it at you….but as far as making food in it, this is not my strong point. SO WHAT!!! I am amazing at snuggling with my kids even if I can’t make them tofu casserole.

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So there it is!! Part 2 of the super bitchy facebook series! My kids have been so sick all week. 2 of them have bronchitis, and the other 2 have this awful flu with puking and diarrhea. So it’s been fun around my house. But because of all the sickness I wasn’t able to make a new video for you guys. I went back through some old videos and after watching them I felt weird. You know…because I haven’t seen them in a while, and you forget how really stupid you are. And by saying “you”…I mean “ME”. So…yeah…I forgot how really stupid I am! Anyway…here is an older video that I made….

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Previous Older Entries

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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