The Top 5 WORST people to run into in public places…

Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)
 
 
The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind…  and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:
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For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!
 
 
 
I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall! 
 
 
The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:
 
 
 
1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi.  You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog! 
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2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:
 
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3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.
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4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!
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5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)
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The conversation would probably go like this:
“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”
 
 
 
 
 
So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:
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Wings Do Not always help you fly…

The other day ..I had to call the husband at work and ask him to please stop at the store and get some pads. The monthly mofo had shown up and I was out of feminine products. My husband has always been pretty good about stopping and picking up those things if I need them. He is pretty secure in his masculinity that it doesn’t bother him. Also he almost always brings chocolate on those days because he knows by now that it will definitely make it a better night around here if he does.

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Except this time!! Now let me just say, …I have been with this man for close to 28 years. He knows me!!! He knows everything about me! Probably better than I know myself. And this man that I stood before God and all of our friends and family and vowed to love through thick and thin, sickness and health, ..walked in the door with pads with Wings!!!! WHAAAA????

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After 28 years with someone, ….I think it’s pretty safe to say that they should know if you are a pad with wings kind of person or not. I myself have never met a pads with wings kind of person. I have often wondered why they even sell them and who is actually using them? I mean if you are into chunks of your hair down there being pulled out every step you take then more power to you!

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I love my husband very much…I do, and after 28 years we have been through a lot together and we have stood by each other through many hard times. But this…..the wings…I don’t know, …this is something that I am not sure I can just overlook.

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Well, …the truth is, …he had a family size bag of Reeses with him. He definitely gets points for that. Now if he had a Ben and Jerry’s along with it, I might be able to overlook this whole wings nonsense. I am starting to wonder if I know the man I am married to at all. I mean, we sleep in the same bed together, we watch the same shows, …we even make out on occasions…(usually when the kids are asleep…which is NEVER)….but this….The wings…..Who is this man I married!!

The best part about the whole thing is, ..I decided to take them back because I REALLY hate wings. So I go up to the service center in Walmart and the Walmart guy looks at the pads and then looks at me and says…”What, …were they the wrong size or something?”….um, ….really Walmart guy?? Okay…you asked “Well if you must know…NO they were not the wrong size, but as you can see they have wings and you may not know this about me, …but I despise pads with wings…mostly because they end up ripping every shred of hair I have on my Vagina out…but not in a good way, …not like you went and had a professional Brazilian wax done so everything is nice and shiny and pretty, …but more like you got drunk at a frat party and passed out so all your friends shaved parts of your hair off and now they start calling you “patches!”…But thanks for asking Walmart service guy!!!”…

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So tell me in the comments…are you a pads with wings kind of person? I’m really curios actually because I have often wondered who these people are that buy the wings.

Disclaimer – No judgement to any of you wings folks. I just happen to like my wings covered in spicy hot sauce…and not Vagina sauce! ( That may have even been too gross for me to type)…

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Also check out Buster getting ready for bed!! This is EVERY NIGHT!!! That dog is crazy….but aren’t we all just a little crazy??…

Facebook Fuckery….part I

 

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I have written a lot about Facebook. I have also done a lot of Facebook parody videos. I have this love/hate thing going on with Facebook. I have said this before…it is very much like the love/hate thing I have going on with Walmart. I love being able to go to Walmart and buy a bra and not even 5 feet away be able to buy some Ben & Jerry’s chubby hubby. Then there is also that thing of the myriad of butt cracks and deodorant-less people that you have to wade through. I suppose with all things comes the good and bad right?!

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The other day my lil sis and I were chatting and she was telling me how someone came to her facebook page and left a comment saying something like ” I was stalking your page, and saw that you no longer work at the coffee shop.” I wonder…is it “stalking” if you are actually friends on facebook? If someone actually agreed to have you on their friends list, aren’t you allowed to go to their page and look at their shit? I thought that was the point of being facebook “friends.” I mean…what else is there to do when you are a facebook friend. It’s not like you can meet for lunch on facebook and chat about breadsticks. To be friends on facebook means you get to see all the shit that the person posts. That is the extent of your facebook relationship! That’s it!! No matter how annoying what they post is.

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Don’t get all pissy about what I just said. I have openly admitted to being a facebook whore. I totally am. Aren’t we all though? Have you actually stopped to think about why you are even on facebook? Why you feel the need to engage in the whole thing? I am not going to lie…political and religious posts annoy the friggin crap out of me. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but so do I. So does every damn person that is going to comment on your post about politics or religion. Even the ones you don’t like or agree with. When does YOUR opinion become the only “real” one? Plus…if you didn’t want people to have an opinion about your post…why did you choose a social network site to post it? “SOCIAL” being the important word here! And please with the religious bible versus. Listen okay…..every damn person that lives in this country knows about the bible. EVERYONE!!! If you are posting bible versus because you think it is inspirational to someone, then explain this to me,.. because the ONLY people that you are inspiring, are the people that already believe that way. You might get 10 likes on that post….ALL of them coming from your fellow church people that already know exactly what the bible says. I guarantee….NOBODY is going to read a verse from the bible posted on facebook and think to themselves….Oh…now I want to attend church because I just read a bible verse. I already know a huge group of people are pissed off at me for saying that, but guess what….it’s MY opinion. Same as you…I have a right to it!

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Another group of seriously annoying facebook posts are the constant animal/children abuse posts. I have literally blocked certain people from my facebook feed because I couldn’t take the constant swarm of horrible awful pictures of abused animals and children. WHY are you people posting these?? This is doing NOTHING to help animal and child abuse! NOTHING!!! Posting horrific awful pictures that you can never unsee again is doing nothing more than making sure people have that horrible image in their head all day. So bascially making sure you screw up their day. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day? Well…it’s the same damn thing when you see a picture of someone skinning a dog while it’s alive! FRIGGIN STOP with those picture already. If you want to join in the animal/child abuse problem in the world…then activaly get yourself involved. THAT is when change occurs. Not sitting on facebook and posting a bunch of horrible pictures than going off to work and going on with your day. If you think you are actually bringing attention to the subject….you are wrong. If people do not already know about child/ animal abuse then they are either amish or have been raised by wolves. EVERYONE knows this is happening in the world. If you are passionate about it….then make it your passion to get involved on these issues. It’s like that Sarah Mclachlan commercial that EVERYONE has seen. It just makes you sad! My wish is that we lived in a world that these things didn’t happen.

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As far as the folks that get on facebook and let you know that they are deleting people off their facebook, so you better let them know right now if you want to stay. Can I just ask someone to explain this madness to me, because I don’t get it. If you want to delete people off your facebook, why feel the need to tell everyone you are doing it? I really don’t get it. It seems to me that you must be feeling sad and needing some attention, and you want folks to say “please don’t delete me.” I get it….everyone wants to feel loved. I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my shit on facebook. It’s true….I’m that person! I’m funny dammitt!!! Actually I’m not….most people just don’t understand my sense of humor. They don’t get me ya know. Anyway….I do not delete people off of facebook. If they don’t want to be on my facebook, they can delete themselves.  I am not taking time to delete people. But if I did…I certainly am not going to announce it to everyone. I have officially only deleted a person once, and I am not going to get into the reasons why. I am not going to lie, I have blocked a few from my status feed, but that is only because I really can not take the constant flow of abuse pictures that were being posted, and a few other things. Yes…I am purposely being vague. 🙂

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Anyway…..I want to finish up this insanely long blog post with…can’t we all just get along!!! Isn’t that what facebook is about? Socializing. We live in a technologically inclined time. Everything we do involves technology of some sort….except pooping. That is still done the old fashioned way.

 

Also….I have NO room to talk. I post the weirdest shit on Facebook! So here is my public apology to all the folks that have to endure my weird ass posts. Like this one…..

YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

 
If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

 
If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”

 

 

YOU might be a mom if.….

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You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.

 

 

If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

 
If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

 
If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

 
If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

 
If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

 
If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

 
If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

 
If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

 
If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

 
If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….

 

 

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

 
If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

 
If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

 
If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

 
If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

 
If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

 
If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

 
If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

 
If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

 
YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

 
If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

 
If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

 
If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

 
If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

 
If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

 
If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

 
If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

 
If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

 
YOU might be a mom if.

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If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

 
If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

 
If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

 
If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

 
If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

 
If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

 
If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

 
If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!

 

 
If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

 
If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!

 

If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…

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Just Kidding

 

Look…I made a new video… 🙂

 

 

 

 

Nope!! Not this day…I don’t want to…

Have you ever just woke up and thought to yourself…” Nope…I just don’t want to!” Yeah…that’s like everyday for me. 😉 But seriously…sometimes I just don’t want to. I don’t want to fight with the kids to get them up. I don’t want to make them breakfast. I don’t want to drive them to school. I don’t want to clean the toilets. I don’t want to go to the grocery store. AND most of all…I don’t want to exercise. I just don’t.

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Well…I got up, fought with the kids, dropped them off at school, went to the grocery store, and now here I am. Sitting here….writing this instead of exercising. The thought of exercising right now is making me sick. Seriously…I just don’t want to. Here is a list of things I would rather do right now than exercise today.

 
1. I would rather pluck every piece of hair on my body out with tweezers. I’m talking even the hard to reach ones. you know…the ones in THOSE places….

2. I would rather clean out my 8 yr. olds hutch which is basically a certifiable hoarding zone. This kid is hoardzilla. He won’t throw ANYTHING away. I have had to stuff crap in my bra to get it by him so he doesn’t notice. Check out this picture I took right before I threw all that shit away. There is a fucking triscuit box in there. A TRISCUIT BOX FOLKS!!!!

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3. I would rather have diarrhea than actually put on my fucking sneakers and get on the stupid eliptikal because at least you can take your phone in the bathroom with you and play solitaire while you are pooping. ( not that I do that)…I do though…

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4. I would rather eat my kids toenail clippings than exercise today. Okay…that’s not entirely true…they need to be covered in chocolate first…then it’s a go.

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5. I would rather watch a Keeping up with the Kardashians marathon and honey-booboo re-runs than exercise today.

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6. I would rather masturbate with a zucchini than exercise today. Hey…don’t knock it…some of those zucchinis get ginormous…

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CHOOSE WISELY MY FRIENDS…

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7. I would rather go to Walmart and have to follow around one of those folks in a motorized cart all through the store than exercise today. Unless they aren’t wearing deodorant. That might be a deal breaker…

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8. I would rather eat the tub of cheeseballs from Walmart, then when the tub is empty fill it up with Vodka and drink the cheesy chunky vodka with a big ol straw then exercise today.

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9. I would rather watch Miley Cyrus twerk naked and rub up all over a wrecking ball, and then make out with a sledge hammer instead of exercise today. woops….she did that didn’t she??

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Poor Thor…. How about this instead…

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10. And last but not least, I would rather sit on my ass and do NOTHING than exercise today. Which is what I am now doing! So…there it is…

 

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There is always this… I mean…it could be fun trying anyway…

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Wait a minute…it’s not over yet! I would much rather make another crazy video than exercise today. So….I did…:) Here ya go…

 

“Ooops…my balls fell out…”

It is summertime. There are things I LOVE about summer, and then things I do not love about summer. One of those things that may not be my favorite is the boredom factor of my children. I get a lot of that “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” crap. As I am sure all of you fellow moms have heard at least 5 million times already. I have the backyard pool set up and then of course there is the trampoline, and there is their bikes, and they always have outside…with the sunshine. But I understand…they are bored! Anyway, this post isn’t about my children’s boredom. One of the things that I LOVE about summer is the time that we have to just sit around and do nothing. Which ultimately is the reason for my children’s boredom, but the very thing I LOVE about summer. I love not having full schedules of having to be places on time…because I am allergic to being places on time. I am one of those people…it’s really hard for me. I know that one day my children will come to appreciate the boredom. They will long for the days when they had nothing to do but enjoy having nothing to do. But until that day comes…there will be a lot of “I’m boreds”. With summer come’s staying up later, and sleeping in longer. Something I am perfectly okay with. This is me embracing the lazy girl that lives within me. We are BFF’s…me and the lazy girl that is me. ( I hope that made some shred of sense.) The other night, 2 of my daughters and I were having  just one of those wonderful summer evenings. It was late, the little ones were in bed, the husband was in bed, and the 2 oldest girls and I were up just chatting away the night. I love evenings like this because all kinds of fun subjects come up. We talk about everything. I have always tried very hard to keep communication open with my kids. I want them to know that they can tell me ANYTHING and I will not freak out on them. No matter what it is. I might be freaking out on the inside, but trying to stay calm on the outside.  I have said to them even if I do not like what they tell me, or agree with what they are telling…I still want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. I believe strongly in open communication because how will I ever be able to help them if they don’t even feel like they can be honest with me. I prefer them to tell me, rather than not talk to me about what is going on in their head or in their life. So let me start by saying I was a pre-teen girl…so I get it. I really do. When you’re the mom in the pre-teen scenario…things change though. You are coming at it from a different place now. I am looking at my little girl, who is now growing into a woman. There is that bittersweet aspect that comes in. I don’t want her to grow up, yet at the same time am enjoying this beautiful young girl she is becoming. Side note- NOT enjoying the pre-teen attitude AT ALL though! See…I remember starting my period. My mom was like…” eh…throw this pad in your underwear and you’ll be fine.” That was it! She didn’t even give me a complimentary Hershey bar with it. I decided when my daughter starts her period, I was going to be all Super Mom and come in with my cape on…a bag of chocolate, and ready to teach her all about life. butttt… I was not so ready for the actual moment when my first daughter started hers. I knew we might be getting close to the time when nipples starting popping out and she told me curly hair is starting to grow on her hoohaw. I had talked to her about periods, and told her kind of what to expect, but nothing really prepares you for the real moment of “Mom…I have blood in my underwear.” It’s a weird moment. I wanted to cry, and had some weird stuff happening. The feeling of  losing my “baby” and yet wanting to be here and help her and have her follow my lead so she isn’t scared. My oldest daughter started her period smack dab in the middle of Walmart! Yep. I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to folks. What better place to start your period anyway, I mean….you’ve got lots of choices here….pads, or tampons..or even adult diapers if you want to go that route….plus you can grab some ibuprofin if needed….and then be sure and hit the chocolate aisle. So by the time my second daughter started..I was a little more prepared. I explained the deal to her, and it seemed like it went a little smoother. Not a lot smoother but a little. Anyway, so the other night the girls and I are chatting it up about this and that, and friends, and school, and boys, and all other kinds of things going on in a pre-teen girls life. My oldest daughter was chatting about her high school days, and my 12 yr. old comes in with… “I have a question?”

 

Me: “Okay…ask away?”

 

The 12 yr. old:-“So when I was in school, they were teaching us about puberty and all the stuff that is going to change in our bodies, and they were talking about boys having balls. They said that when their balls drop, that is when puberty starts. So I think that is gross, and what do they do with their balls after they drop? Do they have to throw them in the garbage? What if they fall out of their underwear?”

 

ME:
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Uhhhhhhh………O.O……..ummmm………O.o………..Uhhhhhhhh……

 
And then it hits. My older daughter is rolling on the floor in laughter, and I couldn’t help it either. My sweet 12 yr. old is asking me what boys do with their balls after they drop. I explained as best as I could about the ball situation. My oldest started with the jokes….

 

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“So what if you were standing behind some kid in the lunch line and his balls fell out and you stepped on them.”~

 

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 “Have you seen random balls in garbage cans lately?”~

 

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” That must be what the hole in boy’s underwear is for…so the balls can just fall out after they “drop”.”~

 

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The 12 yr. old- ” I hope I have never stepped on someones balls before and not known it because ewww.”~

 

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” I bet they could use them to play golf with after they “drop” out.”

 

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Side Note – This is the child that informed me of the proper way to open deodorant. Yep….I have been doing it wrong for over 25 plus years. She comes in while I am clawing at the plastic thing on the top of the new deodorant and I can’t get the damn thing off, and she says “Check it out Mom….if you roll the dial at the bottom..it just easily comes right off.” Sure enough! …Summer just doesn’t get better than this folks!

 

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To douche or Not to douche…that is the question

10 things you might be doing that makes you a douche, and if you are doing them…you should stop right now! So you will not be a douche anymore. I realize that everyone has douchie tendencies. I have been known to be very douchie on many occasions, but I really do try and make a conscience effort to be less of a douche…if possible. It’s not always possible and I understand that. There are some situations that call for absolute douche-ness and at extreme levels. I mean, walking through Walmart, there is no way not to be a douche bag. That place sucks ass in every possible way. If you went into Walmart with full intent to be a nice person, trust me…by the time you leave, you will have transformed into a bonafide douche bag. Anywho…I get it, I really do. Sometimes you just have to be assy and douchie, and shitty, and bitchy, but there are times when I am just going along with my day, minding my own business, and BOOM…I come face to face with Mister Douche-Nougat himself, and it always turns my day into shit. So why not smile at someone instead, or just be a douche bag…whatever. Anyway…Most likely if you have done or are doing any of these things, you are being a douche! So stop it!!!!

 

1.  Your driving through the parking lot looking for a place, you see about 5 open spots and figure this is good, no one next to me and I can get in and out quickly! Literally the second you pull in, mister douche-mobile parks 2 inches from your door. Now mind you, there is 5 open spots next to you. 5 open spots!!!!! And douche-mobile chooses 2 inches from your door. Thanks douche.

 walmartspace

 

2. The kids are at grandma’s house. You are smack dab in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon,( Yes..I am a nerd) and you made homemade margaritas for the event! You realize that you have everything you need but the margarita mix. So off to the store you go. Now because you know exactly where the margarita mix is, this trip is literally going to take 3 minutes tops. You fly to the aisle you need, grab the mix, conveniently passing some ding dongs and grabbing a box because seriously, ding dongs go amazingly well with margaritas! Anyway…off to find an open cashier and there are 5 million people in every single line.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!! So you see the sign open on the 10 items or less, and you head over with your margarita mix and ding dongs, and Douchie McDoucherton cuts you off with their overflowing cart that has about 3 billion tons of shit in it. Um…excuse me….that is more than 10 items douche head!!!!!

 

 cart

 

3. I just finished cleaning my house. It is so sparkly and shiny. I just want to roll around on the nice clean floor that has NO legos on it. Breathe the clean into my lungs….and all of sudden “ding dong”…and that is not the good kind of ding dongs my friends! It is more like the ring of death. You tip toe over to the door to see who it is, and realize they are all watching you through the window that you left open.(dammit)..It is sweet wonderful friends and all 5 of their kids! But they never called. Why??? Because they NEVER DO!!!! I love them with all my heart…but fucking pick up the phone and give me a warning. Something…anything…a friggin SOS sign or a smoke signal. I could have been naked on my couch eating a tub of frosting! So here is my beautiful friends, with their 5 kids that come in screaming at the top of their lungs looking for my crew of kids and then they all meet up right in the middle of the house and destroy the fuck out of it! And I am not even getting into the toilets at this point….I love you my friend…(super douchie move though) A clean house is OFF limits to visitors that don’t call first.

 smokelogo

 

4.  I know I am going to get some people in a flurry with this one, but it just has to be said. I live in Montana. I LOVE Montana! It’s beautiful, and there is lots of nature around to admire. The thing is, deer in Montana are pretty much like rats in New York City. They are EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter what road you are driving on, you will see a deer. Here you are driving along the road, minding your own damn business, trying to get home because frankly you are sick of being in the car and you want to get home, but you can’t because all of a sudden the douche hat in front of you screeches on their brakes which causes you to screech on your brakes and every other car behind you now has to screech on their brakes because a fucking “majestic” deer was about 500 yards out in the middle of some friggin field. They are now rolling down their window and pulling out binoculars! Side note: Who drives around with binoculars at all times in your possession unless you are stalking someone?! Anyway… “Oh my gosh..it’s a deer, so we need to cause a traffic jam and make all these people see the stupid ass deer even though 3 deer just ran in front of my car and almost caused me to wreck about 3 miles back.” But yeah…I’ll sit here and wait for you to look at the mountain rat and watch it eat grass for 10 minutes!!! Put your douche hat back on….get in your car, and drive away my friend….just drive away…..

 deerheads

 

5. Okay..this one is something my husband does….a lot!! I wrote a whole post about how much this annoys me when he does it…you can read that here :  https://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/2013/04/02/my-husband-is-a-whore-just-a-whore/  When your driving along and the guy in front of you is going really, really slow and you have somewhere to be because you have this thing called a life, and you don’t want to spend it tooling along the road looking at the stupid deer, so you decide to pass the slow driver, but you can’t. Why you ask?…Because there is a douche wad from douche town driving like twinsies with the slow guy, but he is in the fast lane…also known as the “passing lane!” Really dude????….There is a reason they call that the passing lane…or fast lane….because you are suppose to go fast in it…or move the fuck out of the way so people can pass your slow ass!! But no….we got twinsies, side by side, let’s drive together crap going on. It drives me nuts when my husband does this. If he is using cruise control, nothing will get him to stop! I mean nothing! He will literally go side by side for miles to keep from stopping his cruise control. It’s an addiction..I’m sure of it. Anyway….It’s a douchie move and if you do that…you shouldn’t. Because then someone somewhere will be surely calling you a douche! 

 roadrage72_7

 

6. This one is not as huge as some of the other ones, but it still is pretty douchie when someone does it. You know when you are walking right behind someone, and you both are walking into a building and yet they go in first and let the door shut directly in your face. No acknowledgment, no caring in the world…just lets the door hit you smack dab in your face. And you only realize at the last second that they are pulling the douche move and so you don’t really have time to catch the door before it hits you. You try and grab it and almost always either get your hand smooshed, or some part of your body gets hit in this process. Let’s not even talk about how dumb you probably looked to anyone who was watching. Hey…thanks douche face….for the door slam when you damn well knew I was right behind you!! Listen…I understand when you get stuck holding a door open and 5 million people all start running through it at once and not ONE person takes it from you that sometimes, you need to pull out drastic measures and just let the damn thing go. I get it! But if it’s one guy and they know you are behind them…is it going to kill them to hold it open for what will probably take 2 seconds of time out of their very busy douchie life?

 cat-squeezing-through-door

 

7. “You look really thin today.” O.O ” So how many months pregnant are you?” O.O ” That’s how you got your haircut?” O.O  ” WOW…you look really tired .” O.O  “I can see how someone like you would think that.” O.O “You look really nice in this lighting.” O.O “You have such a pretty face.” O.O  These are those beautiful back handed compliments that I know we have all been the wonderful recipients of. By now everyone should know that if you do not know if someone is pregnant or not…DON’T ASK!! It’s just douchie! 

 backhanded-compliment

 

8. Okay…let me start this one by saying I love electronics as much as the next guy…but these people that buy the newest, fanciest electronic gadget out on the market and feel the need to shove this thing in your face for 20 minutes really needs to take a class in non doucherie. You know who you are. Last week you had the Ipod 5 thousand, but this week they just came out with the shiny new Ipod 5 million and you were the first one in line at Best Buy to get it. You set up a tent and slept there for 3 days, pissing in a bucket but you got it! Now you feel the need to show this thing off to every damn person that you come in contact with. The thing is…most people don’t care, and if they are anything like me, probably about 60% don’t even understand what you are showing them. But now we have to sit there for 20 minutes while you show off your Ipod 5 million that not only does awesome tricks, but can make you breakfast too. COOL…not! It’s a douche move… Plus you can never give me back that 20 minutes and usually your breath stinks and you happen to be a close talker! Just saying…

 Old-Cell-Phone-Douglas1

 

9. This one is a big one for me because for some reason, I seem to attract these people and they drive me NUTS!! Listen…first of all, I am a mom and I completely understand being proud of your kid. Be Proud! Be so happy about your kid’s accomplishments. You absolutely should. And you should share it too. Where it becomes an issue is when you feel the need to tell everyone else how much better YOUR kid is than everyone else’s. I promise you with every inch of my soul that NO ONE thinks someone else’s kid is better than their own kid. It’s just not going to happen. You can sit there and go on and on about how smart, and beautiful, and brilliant, and talented your kid is, and I can guarantee that 99 % of the people that you are bragging to are rolling their eyes inside of their head. No one ever thinks to themselves….Wow, I am so glad she told me how much smarter her kid is than everyone else’s because now I can have a full and complete life, and my kid is so dumb in comparison to hers. I truly believe when someone has talent, they don’t need anyone to brag on them anyway. Talent shows on it’s own. No need to sit there and try and get every person to believe that your kid is more talented than everyone else’s. It just makes people think you are a Massive douche who heads up the douche committee in douche land. Hey bragger Moms… instead of trying to make everyone actually think your kid is best, why not tell your kid they are the best! They are the ones that need to hear it….not anyone else.

 cartoon

 

10. Well…here we are! The number 10 Super Douchie, DouchMcDoucherton, Douche Mack Daddy move that anyone can pull! You meet a super cute guy, you think he is hot, and he is really nice and buys you all kinds of shit you don’t need, and he tells you how pretty you are all the time, and he basically captures your heart. So you marry him, pop out 4 kids, and one day, long after you have said “I Do”, he comes home with a piece of crap DOUCHE Dog that scrapes it’s ass ALL over your brand new carpet, and pukes on your brand new carpet, and pees on your brand new carpet, and annoys the ever loving life out of you. You know what…..that is a Mack Daddy Douche move and you should Never ever do it! Serioulsy…if you’re a guy, and you value your balls…DO NOT bring home a douchie Dog! Or any dog for that matter….on a side note… (I am not bitter)…

 vaccuum

 

So I hope I helped in the ongoing battle against Doucherie. I know we may never actually rid the world of full on Doucheness, but I think we have taken a step towards a positive change! Just by following some simple rules, we could all be living in a douche free environment. (not likely though)

The (shit) Storm of the Century!

English: Porta-potty with rattlesnake warning ...

Five reasons why I would rather pee my pants than use a public restroom: I have no doubt I could probably come up with more than five reasons, I could probably go on and on and on all day about why public restrooms are the nastiest things in existence but I will try and stick with five. I want to start by telling you a story that officially happened to me about ten years ago or so and I truly believe this was the moment when my complete phobia of public toilets came about. I used to work at a place called “Kids Fun Center.” Now, you probably do not need any more information on this story other than that because I am sure you can imagine the “Fun” that went down in a place called “Kids Fun Center.” This place was a building that had play structures, the same ones you find in the Mcdonalds play centers. There were big plastic tunnels and slides all connected together so kids could run through them and get lost up in there, and puke or shit because for some reason there is always a kid that pukes or shits in those tunnels. Then every other kid will just ignore the puke or shit as if it’s not really there, and crawl right through it. Now that almost every kid in the place is covered in someone else’s puke and shit, it’s become like a scavanger hunt to try and find the actual kid that it originally came from. And let’s not even get into the smell of the building at this point. There is also the ball pits that kids love to pee in. It’s not the same thing as peeing in the pool kids!! At least in the pool, you’re actually wet and when you get out no one can tell. Do these kids not realize that after peeing in the ball pit, you can see the pee on their clothes? Everybody knows it was you!!!! And don’t even get me started on the adults that piss in those things! O.O

So…back to my public restroom story. Here it is, a busy saturday, and I’m standing at the ticket counter taking kids tickets so they can pick prizes from the prize shelf, when a kid runs up to me and says, “Someone pooped in the bathroom.”

I say, “Okay…well that is where people go poop, so what’s the big deal.”

The kid says, “There is poop on the floor.”

I think- kill me now please! So, I prepare myself for seeing something icky, but I did not prepare myself for what looked like someone had been murdered and the weapon of choice was shit. I opened the door, stepped into the bathroom and literally was stuck frozen in my spot. I am not even sure I can describe it to you. There was poop absolutely everywhere but in the toilet. If you have ever seen the movie Trainspotting, that is a good description of what I was looking at. It was on the walls, it was on the floor, it was on the mirror, the sink, and even though this one may be hard to believe….I am telling you true….it was on the ceiling. On the friggin ceiling was shit!!! I was afraid to move. I felt like if I moved, the shit would jump on me and attack me and take me down somehow. I was terrified!! Shoes were never allowed past the front gates, so all of the foot prints that had made it’s way through this murder scene of shit were people that had gone into the bathroom and, for some crazy ass reason, neglected to see that they were walking in shit and instead walked straight through it and tracked it EVERYWHERE! Basically no one was safe. Shit was everywhere…LITERALLY everywhere and we were all contaminated with it because by now I can’t even tell you how many people trudged through it, touched it on the sink handles, touched it on the door handles, and went on out the door to continue to play as if they hadn’t just walked through shitville. I was afraid to breathe in at this point. The only choice was to grab the shit handle and run for my life…or just sit there. Well… you can guess the choice I made…. I fucking RAN!! This experience scarred me! Seriously scarred me for life. I HATE public restrooms more than I hate shopping at Walmart. I would rather shit over a log that is sitting directly off the side of the freeway than in a public restroom. The people driving by might not like the big moon shinning in their faces, but at least I’m not leaving with syphilis ass! Anyway….here is  the top five reasons you should never use a public restroom….as if my story isn’t enough:

1. The above story! Yep…it really is enough reason to stay far, far away from those places…

2. I do not understand why every public restroom is so friggin wet! Who the fuck is showering in these things!? Every single time I approach the sink to wash my hands I walk away sopping wet like I was just in a wet t-shirt contest. And don’t even try and tell me that it’s my boobs. The wetness starts at the top of  my shirt and goes all the way down to my crotch. And why is the ceiling wet??? It’s like after they are done showering they do that flip hair move to try and look cool and now there is water dripping from the ceiling…of the public restroom… NOT COOL FOLKS!!

3. I know everybody has experienced being in the bathroom and hearing the person in the stall making all the music from their ass…then walk out of the stall and LEAVE!!!! um….you forgot something very important…TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!! and now I am stuck in the friggin bathroom because I am NOT touching that handle…

4. Why is their always a kid looking underneath the stall? Or above it…

5. The super fun moment when you are done and realize there is no toilet paper. Why didn’t you check before you sat down?… good question….yet that does you no good at this point because now you are sitting there with no way to wipe your ass. So you have option A: Just get up and go. Option B: Ask someone to give some over…and just hope that they aren’t in the process of wiping there own ass so their hands aren’t covered in…well, you get the idea….or Option C: Yeah…their is no option c…basically if you don’t pick option A or B….your FUCKED!

I had more reasons, but I figured after 5 you pretty much get the idea…plus I am sure most of you have your own amazing experiences with public restrooms. I’m not even going to touch the topic of porta-potties. NOPE…not going anywhere near that subject…. or the door handle on one of those things…

 

My trip through satan’s workshop..

RMS Titanic

Why does shopping with kids suck so bad? Don’t even answer that. Everyone already knows why. It’s not like going to walmart doesn’t already suck immensely but add in taking your kids with you and you might as well call this trip what it is….Your trip through satans workshop! I have seriously thought about how one of my biggest nightmares in life is being trapped in walmart with no way out. You’re just walking and walking trying to find an exit and there is no exit. No way out…no doors, no windows…just motorized carts everywhere, butt cracks, people that don’t use deodorant and screaming kids. And you can’t get out!! You are there FOREVERRRR!! Unless you are loaded with extra cash, and can choose any store you want to shop in, and have enough money to pay for a baby sitter so you don’t have to take the kids…then shopping is a nightmare. Let’s start with just finding a place to park. What the frick is wrong with people anyway….you see a parking spot that looks pretty good, and actually has some room to get your kids out of the car, so you grab it, and 2 seconds after you pull in some asshole decides that he can’t park anywhere else but literally 2 inches from where you just parked. And of course it is the side that the kids are getting out of. Two spaces down is an open spot…but NO…he likes the one next to you when you need to get a shit load of little people out! Thanks dude!! So you finally squeeze the last kid out of the 1 inch space provided and off we go into the store of hell!

You grab a cart, but the kids want the friggin car cart. The one that looks like every kid ever has pissed, puked, and shit all over it, and now your kids want to get in it because it’s so fun pretending to be driving with the herpes steering wheel. Who the flip came up with these nasty things anyway?….Not only do the kids fight the whole damn time about who gets to drive it….but have you ever tried to turn one of those titanic boat carts? It’s impossible. Not only do you look like a complete dork pushing around a bus, but then you try and turn down an aisle and the centrifugal force that occurs from the muscle you had to use to turn starts a whole domino thing and your trying to straighten it out before it takes out the entire case of cheeseballs in a tub, but at this point it’s like the cart is now taking you for a ride because you have lost all control and that boat is going DOWN! I know..shit just got real. These carts are so friggin lame too because most of it is nasty herpes with a side of pink eye infested kid toy, and about a 1/3 of it is actual cart space provided for your crap. So the kids are fighting, you get some stuff in the cart and without fail..

 
“Mom, I have to pee.” Are you friggin kidding me?

 
“But dear…you peed 3 times before we left”..

 
“I’m going to pee my pants right now..I have to gooooooo”.. Yaaay,.. I love shopping!

 
“FINE…let’s go pee then…!”

 
There is no way the titanic is fitting in a stall, so I leave the cart, take ALL the kids because you can’t just leave one floating around walmart… (they say that’s bad parenting). Trust me on this though…if someone found my 6 yr.old, they would be the one running in fear. So here we go to fit all our asses into a stall. Now they have those nifty “family restrooms.” I call bullshit!!! Those things SUCK! They are always Gross! Does anybody know how to use a toilet anymore? Is this a lost art form? Why is their shit and piss on the floor, and the wall, and the sink? Why is this a thing? And why is it always so friggin wet in a public restroom? Who the hell is showering in these damn things? Finally done peeing , you make positive sure that no one else has to pee or poop at all because like hell you are going through that again. Everyone swears they don’t have to go… But you do realize that they are lying right? No.. they don’t have to go…not until you get all the way across the store to the produce will someone magically have to pee again. So your trying to get the stuff as quick as possible in the cart and get the flip out of the store. Of course everyone is fighting now, and crabby, and you can’t think for even 2 seconds, so you decide to pull off in an aisle that is not being occupied to threaten the kids lives, collect your thoughts, and figure out a plan to get through this place quickly. Listen to me about this….it does not matter what aisle you pick, you will find the most desolate aisle in the store, and as soon as you enter it, some schmo will need the very thing you are standing in front of. I swear this happens every time. Here your thinking, okay..things are out of control, I’m just going to pull off in front of the maple nut goodies and collect my thoughts because who in there right mind would ever want a maple nut goodie? Yeah…well, I can guarantee if you stop in front of the maple nut goodies, there will be a schmo that comes into that aisle, and stands there with that look like, “you and your spawn are in my way…I need the maple nut goodies!” So now you have to take your screaming kids, and your fucking titanic bus and move out of the way because your blocking the way of someones maple nut goodies! At this point I am ready to shove those maple nut goodies up someones…..You get the idea.

 
I’m just ready to say screw it and buy some vodka and chocolate and call it good. I know for certain if I just left the groceries and got some vodka, I would run smack dab into every person I ever knew in life! I’m sure of it! Even the doctor that birthed me, I would run into in the middle of walmart with the family size gigantor bottle of vodka and a bunch of screaming fighting kids and he would give me that look of “why did you pro create?” Every so often you get the added bonus of one of your kids puking or having a pooping accident in the middle of the store. I remember the blow out diaper that happened and basically every step my kid took plops of poop fell out onto the floor leaving what looked like a trail of bread crumbs, but that trail was NO bread crumbs. Now try and get through a store with poop falling out of your kids ass, screaming kids, and trying to push the SS Titanic, all the while hoping that people don’t see that the trail of poop is actually coming from your kid. Fun Times! The point of this story is just to say for the love of pete…DO NOT take your kids shopping. Pay the 50 dollars or even 100 if that’s what it takes for a sitter. Then you can go to walmart and wait around for the poor person that needs to pull off and go and get yourself some maple nut goodies.

Facebook Whore!

facebook engancha

Why am I addicted to facebook when it drives me nuts? I could actually say the same thing about Walmart…( that is another post though). I guess that is the way addictions work. You keep going back for more, even when the more isn’t completely satisfying. There must be something in it that keeps me going back. What is it? What is that pull? I can tell you that when I get on facebook, and see the same old stuff…The depressed post…( my life sucks FML), The food post( just ate at ….. and it was the best),  the relationship post ( My husband is the BEST EVER because he just bought me a NEW CAR and you all have to drive old cars….so be jealous),…the Mom post ( my kid rocks…HONOR ROLL BITCHES), or the 100th pic of your sweet little munchkin doing the same thing they were doing on the 50th picture…but they are wearing blue instead of purple. We also have the ever dreaded Religious/ Political posts that I know everybody just can not wait to see on their newsfeed! The wonderful bible versus…or “I hate the president” pictures. Does anybody really think those are making a difference in the world?…( usually posts on Facebook aren’t doing anything but showing people what you think!) ACTION is going out and involving yourself in whatever the thing is that you feel so strongly about….and FYI….signing a petition on facebook is NOT signing a petition.  Anyway….I am at fault for at least half, if not more of these Facebook gems! I know it’s true. I get it!! As a mom we want to share our beautiful kids with everyone so they can see all the cute things we get to see….or maybe your having a bad day, and just venting a little on FB makes you feel better, or possibly just having someone comment “Hang in there”makes you feel like someone cares. At the same time….FB can have an opposite effect and cause some seriously hurt feelings. I have witnessed some heated fights going down for something as simple as a post about what a kid learned in their college class that day. Although it is a great place to be able to be open about how you feel about topics, or what is important to you….people forget that just because you are sitting behind a screen doesn’t mean that it is okay to lose all sense of respect or be decent as a person. It’s the same way people are in a car. For some reason that barrier makes people lose all sense of humanity in a way. Think about if you were face to face with that person…would you say what you are getting ready to type? Would you sit there and show them 5 million pictures of your kids, or pull out the bible and read every damn scripture in there? Probably not. I am all for standing up for what you believe in…but not at the cost of completely losing your decency.  Facebook makes it easy to be cruel, and senseless just by the click of a button and then you move on to the next thing. It is suppose to be a  place that we can connect with each other, share with each other, and ultimately help each other out by keeping things real, and on a level of equality, and understanding for each other…NO matter the differences in beliefs or lives, or whatever it is that a person does. It is for sharing! I am a firm believer in – “understanding others will help you to become whole!” Instead of feeling angry because someone didn’t agree with you…you can maybe have a conversation about the differences that compliment each other, and actually LEARN something from each other. Facebook is a GREAT tool for doing just that. Not always used that way though. I am without a doubt a facebook whore. NO QUESTION!! I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my stuff. WHY you ask?? I don’t friggin know…other than everybody wants to be recognized…or understood somehow. SO, basically the point of this whole story is that you need to go and like my facebook page….because I will be butt hurt if you don’t…

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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