It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia. I realize that I am way aging myself with this post. “It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia” is a song that was recorded in 1972 by Vickie Lawrence. Some of you might remember her as “mama” from the 1986 show Mama’s family. She was also on the Carol Burnett show in the early days. The song was then re-done by Reba Mcintyre in 1991. I believe they also made a 1981 film, starring Kristy McNichol, Dennis Quaid, Mark Hamill, which was very loosely inspired by the Vicki Lawrence song of the same name (it shares almost no plot elements with the original song). In 1973, Tanya Tucker recorded a different version (on an album of the same name) and her altered lyrics were used as the basis for the plot line of the movie, which is not the same as the story of the original song. New lyrics related to the plot of the film were written. Okay… ALL that to be the opening for “It was the night that the lights went out in my fucking house!” Not loosely based on or anything like the songs or movie at all. I just thought the title sounded good. The other night someone hit a power line nearby, and pretty much knocked everyone off the grid for about 6 hours. It felt like 3 days. Go ahead…. call me a pussy! I am. I proudly wear that title. Well…. I prefer to go by Vagina, but let’s be real… it’s basically the same thing. Let me start off by saying I am officially a city girl through and through that lives in the middle of NOWHERE! I grew up in the city, and lived right next to the ocean most of my life… then we moved to Montana. I LOVE Montana. I had my babies in Montana and am raising them here in the country, and it is beautiful, and I consider this home now. BUT my heart will always be in California. I am a Bay Girl at heart. I am not so great with the outdoorsy country life. I may have said this before in another post… True Story: I took a quiz on Facebook about what is the best kind of tent to use when you go camping and I got The Hilton. This is my truth folks. So, a city girl living in the middle of Montana and the lights go out for 6 hours = pussy! It starts out with me on the toilet. Yep… Next thing I hear… The husband comes to the door of the bathroom and says “Honey…the power went out!” It’s a good thing I married him because shitting in the dark wasn’t clue enough that the power went out.
Side Note- Why is there always the person that announces when the power goes out? Chances are most people can already tell. So, I finish my business and head out to the living room where the scene is something you would see out of an apocalyptic end of the world movie. 4 kids huddled around a computer screen like they were looking at the last piece of bread on the planet. It was my oldest daughters laptop and it was giving off some light. They were reminiscent of the bugs that all swarm around a light pole. The husband was looking for candles and flashlights, while tripping over every damn toy on the floor. It went something like this… “I can’t find the… damn I stepped on something…. do you know where… OUCH!! what the flip was that…. Are the candles in the…. CRAP I think that was a lego!”
We have been having a heat wave of misery around these parts, and the air conditioner has been on non stop since June 29th. It is hot as fried hell outside these days. The power went off and within 30 minutes it raised 3 degrees in the house. Listen…I openly admit to my lack of survival skills. I have none. Like none. ZERO survival techniques. I have watched Duel Survival and I saw the guy drink his own piss. NOPE…I will make my amends in life, and say my goodbyes and take a nice trip to the after life paradise before I will drink my own piss. When I get there I will be drinking a Mai Tai poolside while looking down at the folks drinking their own piss.
But… I got off subject again. I do that! You should see what it’s like to have a conversation with me in real life. O.O So the husband is tripping over things and looking for candles, the kids think the world is ending, and I am just worried about the house getting hot. When we lose power in our house, nothing works. Like you can’t flush toilets, and there is no running water. The husband had called the power company and they informed us it is going to be a while before we get power back. We decide to hop in the car and head to the store to get some water just in case it’s off for a really long time. Plus sitting in the dark house isn’t fun anymore. I realized through this experience how dependent we are on electricity. You don’t realize it when you are going about your day and just doing your thing, but once you are literally off the grid, you get a pretty good idea of how dependent you actually are on things. We all dropped our lighted electronics to jump in the car and get some water and red vines at the store… because how the fuck are you going to get through a black out without red vines? Don’t even try and argue with me on this!! It seems everyone else had the same idea, because they were all buying loads of water. I got the family size package of Red Vines though because this blackout could last for a very long time and I need to make sure I am properly stocked up. We make it home and upon opening the front door and all of us entering at the same time in a dark house we all basically fell on top of each other. Like a dog pile . Tripping over each other and tripping over shoes. Someones face always ends up in someones ass when that happens. Then the expected.- The 6 yr old has to go potty. But this is how that conversation went.
The 6 yr. old: “I have to go potty, and my tummy doesn’t feel good.”
Me: “What do you mean it doesn’t feel good? Are you going to throw up?”
The 6 yr.old: “Maybe…or have diarrhea.”
Me: “You realize we can’t flush the toilet, right?.”
The 6 yr. Old: *shrug!
Okay… not only can we not flush that situation… we can’t wash our hands after. Side Note- Which is one of my top reasons for hating camping. The washing hands thing!!
The kid goes to the bathroom and now we have to use half the water we just bought to have her wash her hands because I DO NOT trust a 6 yr. old’s hands. Especially after a “bad tummy.”
The house is now 100 degrees inside even with the windows open, it’s dark as fuck and I am miserable and completely aware of my inability to survive the apocalypse. Basically I’m fucked!! Listen, I realize people of the past lived this way for centuries… but I am weak. Do you hear me? I like air conditioning, and running water, and the internet. Finally I just make a big bed in the living room out of pillows and blankets and just let the kids crash there.
The 8 yr old: “Can we have popcorn?”
Me: “That would be great but I can’t make popcorn without the microwave.”
Sadly, this made me realize that I am lost without my microwave. I know there are folks that do the popcorn on the stove and I say more power to them. But if I can open up a bag and stick it in the micro then 2 minutes later I have a nice big bowl of popcorn, why would I want to stand over a stove and try and pop corn. I remember when I was a kid, my parents were so excited about the new fancy popcorn machine they bought. This thing had a little cup on top to melt the butter and once you put the popcorn in the machine and it starts popping then you dump the butter in it. That machine took forever to make the popcorn and we would sit there just waiting and waiting and then it would be one kernel…. then another kernel… then 2 kernels. It was torture. Plus the popcorn always tasted like packing peanuts. Just styrofoam-y. At least with the microwave popcorn, you are getting an even distribution with the butter.
Finally, the kids settle down and fall asleep and at about 4 in the morning the power came back on. Which meant everything that was on when it went off blasted back on in full force. Talk about shitting your pants. We all wake up thinking someone bombed the house because the TV was on and for some reason loud as frick, and the alarm on the house that is for the septic system is blazing loud. Not only are we awake now, I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood is up. Fun times!! Well… at least the air conditioner is working again. Through this whole experience I learned a lot about myself. I am dependent on the finer things in life like air conditioning and internet, and microwave popcorn. And I am a wussy, pussy… but you can call me Vagina!
I have to say two things…1) Can you believe I used 2…count them 2 pictures from Lord of the Rings in this post? and 2) I am not a super fan of country music but you have to watch this video…seriously…It’s one of those things that you just keep watching and your really not sure why, you just can’t look away.