“It was the night that the lights went out in My fucking house!”

It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia. I realize that I am way aging myself with this post. “It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia” is a song that was recorded in 1972 by Vickie Lawrence. Some of you might remember her as “mama” from the 1986 show Mama’s family. She was also on the Carol Burnett show in the early days. The song was then re-done by Reba Mcintyre in 1991. I believe they also made a 1981 film, starring Kristy McNichol, Dennis Quaid, Mark Hamill, which was very loosely inspired by the Vicki Lawrence song of the same name (it shares almost no plot elements with the original song). In 1973, Tanya Tucker recorded a different version (on an album of the same name) and her altered lyrics were used as the basis for the plot line of the movie, which is not the same as the story of the original song. New lyrics related to the plot of the film were written. Okay… ALL that to be the opening for “It was the night that the lights went out in my fucking house!” Not loosely based on or anything like the songs or movie at all. I just thought the title sounded good. The other night someone hit a power line nearby, and pretty much knocked everyone off the grid for about 6 hours. It felt like 3 days. Go ahead…. call me a pussy! I am. I proudly wear that title. Well…. I prefer to go by Vagina, but let’s be real… it’s basically the same thing. Let me start off by saying I am officially a city girl through and through that lives in the middle of NOWHERE! I grew up in the city, and lived right next to the ocean most of my life… then we moved to Montana. I LOVE Montana. I had my babies in Montana and am raising them here in the country, and it is beautiful, and I consider this home now. BUT my heart will always be in California. I am a Bay Girl at heart. I am not so great with the outdoorsy country life. I may have said this before in another post… True Story: I took a quiz on Facebook about what is the best kind of tent to use when you go camping and I got The Hilton. This is my truth folks. So, a city girl living in the middle of Montana and the lights go out for 6 hours = pussy! It starts out with me on the toilet. Yep… Next thing I hear… The husband comes to the door of the bathroom and says “Honey…the power went out!” It’s a good thing I married him because shitting in the dark wasn’t clue enough that the power went out.

blackout

Side Note- Why is there always the person that announces when the power goes out? Chances are most people can already tell. So, I finish my business and head out to the living room where the scene is something you would see out of an apocalyptic end of the world movie. 4 kids huddled around a computer screen like they were looking at the last piece of bread on the planet. It was my oldest daughters laptop and it was giving off some light. They were reminiscent of the bugs that all swarm around a light pole. The husband was looking for candles and flashlights, while tripping over every damn toy on the floor. It went something like this… “I can’t find the… damn I stepped on something…. do you know where… OUCH!! what the flip was that…. Are the candles in the…. CRAP I think that was a lego!”

legos

We have been having a heat wave of misery around these parts, and the air conditioner has been on non stop since June 29th. It is hot as fried hell outside these days. The power went off and within 30 minutes it raised 3 degrees in the house. Listen…I openly admit to my lack of survival skills. I have none. Like none. ZERO survival techniques. I have watched Duel Survival and I saw the guy drink his own piss. NOPE…I will make my amends in life, and say my goodbyes and take a nice trip to the after life paradise before I will drink my own piss. When I get there I will be drinking a Mai Tai poolside while looking down at the folks drinking their own piss.

piss number 2

But… I got off subject again. I do that! You should see what it’s like to have a conversation with me in real life. O.O So the husband is tripping over things and looking for candles, the kids think the world is ending, and I am just worried about the house getting hot. When we lose power in our house, nothing works. Like you can’t flush toilets, and there is no running water. The husband had called the power company and they informed us it is going to be a while before we get power back. We decide to hop in the car and head to the store to get some water just in case it’s off for a really long time. Plus sitting in the dark house isn’t fun anymore. I realized through this experience how dependent we are on electricity. You don’t realize it when you are going about your day and just doing your thing, but once you are literally off the grid, you get a pretty good idea of how dependent you actually are on things. We all dropped our lighted electronics to jump in the car and get some water and red vines at the store… because how the fuck are you going to get through a black out without red vines? Don’t even try and argue with me on this!! It seems everyone else had the same idea, because they were all buying loads of water. I got the family size package of Red Vines though because this blackout could last for a very long time and I need to make sure I am properly stocked up. We make it home and upon opening the front door and all of us entering at the same time in a dark house we all basically fell on top of each other. Like a dog pile . Tripping over each other and tripping over shoes. Someones face always ends up in someones ass when that happens. Then the expected.- The 6 yr old has to go potty. But this is how that conversation went.

 
The 6 yr. old: “I have to go potty, and my tummy doesn’t feel good.”

 
Me: “What do you mean it doesn’t feel good? Are you going to throw up?”

 
The 6 yr.old: “Maybe…or have diarrhea.”

 
Me: “You realize we can’t flush the toilet, right?.”

 
The 6 yr. Old: *shrug!

 
Okay… not only can we not flush that situation… we can’t wash our hands after. Side Note- Which is one of my top reasons for hating camping. The washing hands thing!!

NOT_WASH

The kid goes to the bathroom and now we have to use half the water we just bought to have her wash her hands because I DO NOT trust a 6 yr. old’s hands. Especially after a “bad tummy.”
The house is now 100 degrees inside even with the windows open, it’s dark as fuck and I am miserable and completely aware of my inability to survive the apocalypse. Basically I’m fucked!! Listen, I realize people of the past lived this way for centuries… but I am weak. Do you hear me? I like air conditioning, and running water, and the internet. Finally I just make a big bed in the living room out of pillows and blankets and just let the kids crash there.

hot

The 8 yr old: “Can we have popcorn?”

 
Me: “That would be great but I can’t make popcorn without the microwave.”

 
Sadly, this made me realize that I am lost without my microwave. I know there are folks that do the popcorn on the stove and I say more power to them. But if I can open up a bag and stick it in the micro then 2 minutes later I have a nice big bowl of popcorn, why would I want to stand over a stove and try and pop corn. I remember when I was a kid, my parents were so excited about the new fancy popcorn machine they bought. This thing had a little cup on top to melt the butter and once you put the popcorn in the machine and it starts popping then you dump the butter in it. That machine took forever to make the popcorn and we would sit there just waiting and waiting and then it would be one kernel…. then another kernel… then 2 kernels. It was torture. Plus the popcorn always tasted like packing peanuts. Just styrofoam-y. At least with the microwave popcorn, you are getting an even distribution with the butter.

2 popcorn

Finally, the kids settle down and fall asleep and at about 4 in the morning the power came back on. Which meant everything that was on when it went off blasted back on in full force. Talk about shitting your pants. We all wake up thinking someone bombed the house because the TV was on and for some reason loud as frick, and the alarm on the house that is for the septic system is blazing loud. Not only are we awake now, I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood is up. Fun times!! Well… at least the air conditioner is working again. Through this whole experience I learned a lot about myself. I am dependent on the finer things in life like air conditioning and internet, and microwave popcorn. And I am a wussy, pussy… but you can call me Vagina!

 

I have to say two things…1) Can you believe I used 2…count them 2 pictures from Lord of the Rings in this post? and 2) I am not a super fan of country music but you have to watch this video…seriously…It’s one of those things that you just keep watching and your really not sure why, you just can’t look away.

“Ooops…my balls fell out…”

It is summertime. There are things I LOVE about summer, and then things I do not love about summer. One of those things that may not be my favorite is the boredom factor of my children. I get a lot of that “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” crap. As I am sure all of you fellow moms have heard at least 5 million times already. I have the backyard pool set up and then of course there is the trampoline, and there is their bikes, and they always have outside…with the sunshine. But I understand…they are bored! Anyway, this post isn’t about my children’s boredom. One of the things that I LOVE about summer is the time that we have to just sit around and do nothing. Which ultimately is the reason for my children’s boredom, but the very thing I LOVE about summer. I love not having full schedules of having to be places on time…because I am allergic to being places on time. I am one of those people…it’s really hard for me. I know that one day my children will come to appreciate the boredom. They will long for the days when they had nothing to do but enjoy having nothing to do. But until that day comes…there will be a lot of “I’m boreds”. With summer come’s staying up later, and sleeping in longer. Something I am perfectly okay with. This is me embracing the lazy girl that lives within me. We are BFF’s…me and the lazy girl that is me. ( I hope that made some shred of sense.) The other night, 2 of my daughters and I were having  just one of those wonderful summer evenings. It was late, the little ones were in bed, the husband was in bed, and the 2 oldest girls and I were up just chatting away the night. I love evenings like this because all kinds of fun subjects come up. We talk about everything. I have always tried very hard to keep communication open with my kids. I want them to know that they can tell me ANYTHING and I will not freak out on them. No matter what it is. I might be freaking out on the inside, but trying to stay calm on the outside.  I have said to them even if I do not like what they tell me, or agree with what they are telling…I still want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. I believe strongly in open communication because how will I ever be able to help them if they don’t even feel like they can be honest with me. I prefer them to tell me, rather than not talk to me about what is going on in their head or in their life. So let me start by saying I was a pre-teen girl…so I get it. I really do. When you’re the mom in the pre-teen scenario…things change though. You are coming at it from a different place now. I am looking at my little girl, who is now growing into a woman. There is that bittersweet aspect that comes in. I don’t want her to grow up, yet at the same time am enjoying this beautiful young girl she is becoming. Side note- NOT enjoying the pre-teen attitude AT ALL though! See…I remember starting my period. My mom was like…” eh…throw this pad in your underwear and you’ll be fine.” That was it! She didn’t even give me a complimentary Hershey bar with it. I decided when my daughter starts her period, I was going to be all Super Mom and come in with my cape on…a bag of chocolate, and ready to teach her all about life. butttt… I was not so ready for the actual moment when my first daughter started hers. I knew we might be getting close to the time when nipples starting popping out and she told me curly hair is starting to grow on her hoohaw. I had talked to her about periods, and told her kind of what to expect, but nothing really prepares you for the real moment of “Mom…I have blood in my underwear.” It’s a weird moment. I wanted to cry, and had some weird stuff happening. The feeling of  losing my “baby” and yet wanting to be here and help her and have her follow my lead so she isn’t scared. My oldest daughter started her period smack dab in the middle of Walmart! Yep. I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to folks. What better place to start your period anyway, I mean….you’ve got lots of choices here….pads, or tampons..or even adult diapers if you want to go that route….plus you can grab some ibuprofin if needed….and then be sure and hit the chocolate aisle. So by the time my second daughter started..I was a little more prepared. I explained the deal to her, and it seemed like it went a little smoother. Not a lot smoother but a little. Anyway, so the other night the girls and I are chatting it up about this and that, and friends, and school, and boys, and all other kinds of things going on in a pre-teen girls life. My oldest daughter was chatting about her high school days, and my 12 yr. old comes in with… “I have a question?”

 

Me: “Okay…ask away?”

 

The 12 yr. old:-“So when I was in school, they were teaching us about puberty and all the stuff that is going to change in our bodies, and they were talking about boys having balls. They said that when their balls drop, that is when puberty starts. So I think that is gross, and what do they do with their balls after they drop? Do they have to throw them in the garbage? What if they fall out of their underwear?”

 

ME:
queen

Uhhhhhhh………O.O……..ummmm………O.o………..Uhhhhhhhh……

 
And then it hits. My older daughter is rolling on the floor in laughter, and I couldn’t help it either. My sweet 12 yr. old is asking me what boys do with their balls after they drop. I explained as best as I could about the ball situation. My oldest started with the jokes….

 

justinballeddropped

“So what if you were standing behind some kid in the lunch line and his balls fell out and you stepped on them.”~

 

spongebob

 “Have you seen random balls in garbage cans lately?”~

 

galilleo

” That must be what the hole in boy’s underwear is for…so the balls can just fall out after they “drop”.”~

 

dropped

The 12 yr. old- ” I hope I have never stepped on someones balls before and not known it because ewww.”~

 

poop

” I bet they could use them to play golf with after they “drop” out.”

 

great-golf-ball-drop

Side Note – This is the child that informed me of the proper way to open deodorant. Yep….I have been doing it wrong for over 25 plus years. She comes in while I am clawing at the plastic thing on the top of the new deodorant and I can’t get the damn thing off, and she says “Check it out Mom….if you roll the dial at the bottom..it just easily comes right off.” Sure enough! …Summer just doesn’t get better than this folks!

 

New_Year_2013_Ball_Drop

Assholes, Popcorn, and Benedict… ( spoiler alert!)

The people that came from my vagina had an idea.

 
Them: “Hey mom…let’s go watch the new Star Trek! We really want to see it and the amazing Benedict Cumberbatch is in it so we HAVE  TO! Come on mom…let’s go watch it!”

 
Me: “Yeah but I hate going to the movies. It always ends up being a crappy experience for me.”

 
Them: “AWW come on mom…BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH..!!!! ”

images

Me: “Fine….but we’re smuggling in our drinks because I would have to hawk  my wedding ring to afford those prices. And we’re smuggling in some mike and ike’s too….”

Side Note- If you’re going to smuggle in cans of soda, it’s always best to choose a movie with explosions because you need that exact moment to be able to pop the top. If you’re watching a romance and all of a sudden you hear…KKkcchssssssss..clink clink…then everyone knows you just opened a pop can and you’re busted!

soda-can-explosion

So we stuff our bag with some goodies, and head to the theater. Standing in a FOREVER line because EVERYBODY wants to watch the Man of Steel. I have people literally setting up camp in my ass crack because they somehow think that will put them closer to superman! BACK THE FUCK UP!!! Superman is NOT in my ass crack so calm the frick down. As I am listening to everyone getting their ticket, I keep repeating what I will say…Star Trek, 7:45 showing , Star Trek, 7:45 showing…I get up to the window…

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

….and of course I forget because every single person in front of me is like “OH MY GOD….man of steel, man of steel.”

Me: “Um….well…..”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “What movie ma’am?”

Me: “Star Trek, 7:45…yeah, that’s it.”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Okay 9:45.”

Me: “Yeah but I wanted the 7:45….”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: “Yes ma’am. I know. The price is $9.45…”

Me: “Ohhhhhh yeahhhhh….O.O”

Movie Ticket Dispenser Guy: *insert eye roll…

Eyeroll

FINALLY got my ticket, and here we go. But first we have to make our way through the horde of people in the popcorn line. These people are like ravenous crazy people. They are pushing through each other like they have been in a desert somewhere that didn’t allow popcorn, and now they finally got some and they must shovel it into their faces by the handful because they may never get their hands on it again. Calm down folks. Plus I think that “buttery substance” they drizzle on the top is actually a brain implant that they are using to keep track of everyone and plant subliminal messages inside of their heads. Obviously I watch entirely too much science fiction. Off to watch Star Trek we go!

the popcorn line

Another side note- If you are going to smuggle in food, do not choose the gigantic bag of cool ranch doritos. You will surely get caught. As we are standing there, 2 movie greeter people approach a guy who CLEARLY has a big bag of doritos stuffed in his coat and let him know that under no circumstance is he allowed to take chips in the theater….unless of course he wants to buy the nachos that they sell there. The 24 dollar nachos!!! 1st thing is, dude, if you are going to smuggle food, you need something better than just your coat. Like a man purse or even a satchel. Second problem with this….if it’s a bag of chips, again you are going to need a movie with lots of action or yelling because they are going to here that crinkle crinkle rip as you open it up. Nachos don’t make that sound. So if you have a bag of chips and try and open them with that crinkle sound, of course the theater nazis will come rushing in yelling “We don’t sell doritos here….OUT with you…OUT!” and nobody wants that.

Mature Man Eating Potato Chips in Movie Theater Auditorium

We get into the theater and it’s not too packed so we get seats right smack dab in the middle. Woo Hoo! We sit down, and all of a sudden the mass of people start to rush in the door. Running up the stairs like bulls running through spain. People racing to seats, and tripping in the aisles. Holy fuck people…there are enough seats for everybody, chill out. MAJOR PET PEEVE in a movie theater….I can not stand it when the person that is sitting behind me props their nasty, dirty shoes right up next to my head! Um…excuse me ass wipe, but I am sitting here, and I do not want you putting your dirty shoes that you stepped in dog poop with, and to clean them all you did was wipe them off in grass, then you used at least 3 public toilets, and stepped in gum, plus took the elevator that some schmo pissed in, and now you are going to put those nasty things right next to my head. NOPE…don’t think so. It’s RUDE! You are not sitting on your couch….this is not your bed, so sit the fuck up like a normal person and get your damn shoes off my chair! Then you always have the human giraffe that sits directly in front of you. Or the lady that purchased the as seen on tv bump it and decided to do her hair all up nice and high for the movie tonight.

hair1

I made the mistake of wearing flip flops because something crawled across my foot and I flipped out. I still don’t know what it was….but I jumped, and took my foot out of the flip flop which ended up actually touching the ground. BIG MISTAKE! MY friggin foot was stuck to something on the floor. Whatever was on the floor was so sticky, I could not get my foot out of it. The movie hadn’t even started yet, and all I wanted to do was take a shower. And why are the arm rests always sticky too? What the hell are people doing in these things!!! Here we are waiting for the movie to start, watching a dancing hot dog on the screen and the fuck-face behind me is making the grossest noises imaginable. Obviously this guy has a cold, or some other horrible disease so he figured… “Oh..I’m too sick to go out, so I’ll just go to the movies and infect everybody there!”…If you sneeze on me dude, that hotdog on the screen won’t just be dancing…it will be in your ass!!! The movie finally starts and it was all “Captain Kirk” and “Never trust a vulcan” and “You should have let me sleep”….and total awesomeness! Why is their always a guy that thinks every line in the movie is funny. Seriously this guy laughed through the scene where Captain Kirk died. Um…sorry….I didn’t mean to give that away. SPOILERS!  I have decided that even though I loved the movie, going to the actual movies is just not worth it. The person that invented NETflix is brilliant!!

I shouldn’t post this, and you shouldn’t read it…

look away

Hey there folks! Okay….I’m ranting! Look away now if you don’t want to read a rant. How many people are so sick of the perfection game. Raise your hand if you can’t read another post on Facebook about someone’s perfect life, or read another article about how to be a better wife, mom, friend, and still get dinner on the table by 6:00 o’clock. I still do not understand how these people actually think anyone believes them. Hey…”perfect” people…everyone knows you’re NOT! You have no one fooled at all. 100% of people can see through your “perfect” facebook shit, and your perfect “my life is better than yours” bullshit. How about this…..everyone has the right life that is exactly perfect for them. That’s it! And if more people would stop with the “perfect” facade, then it would be much easier to connect on a human level. Especially mom’s. It’s a hard job raising decent people for society. We have a lot of people judging the way we do it. You have the folks that don’t have kids yet, and always say, “when I have kids I wouldn’t let them act like that.” …Oh really ?…um, be careful what you say in front of other people because that shit is coming back to haunt you! I always enjoy the ones in the store that judge you even though they are looking at a snap shot of a situation. Look, just like grown up people…little people have shitty days too. Well…sometimes those shitty days coincide with your shopping trip and as you are walking through the store trying to get your groceries, your kid is having a melt down. I love it when I either get the “you should beat that kid” look…or the “what did you do to that kid?” look. How about NOTHING!!! They are just being shitty today. Maybe they were up most of the night  because they had a nightmare and pretty much got NO sleep which meant I got NO sleep which put us both in really crappy moods, yet we still had to go to the store because life does not stop just because I didn’t get any sleep. It always makes me wonder about someone when they say they hate kids. OKay listen…I’m not judging anyone here….some people do not want kids, or just don’t like kids and that is their choice. Just take a second though and remember that you were one! and somebody somewhere hated you too just because you were too short to reach shit and you acted like a crazy person. (all kids are crazy, all percent of the time)… Then you grew up, learned some self control, and now you hate kids. OKay!! As a mom….I have to raise these people with morals, and values, and make sure they never make bad choices, (because according to society it is MY fault if they make bad choices and do bad things.) Well that’s great but when does their personality and who they are come into play here. When is it considered the time for a person to stop looking at what their parents did or did not do and start taking responsibility for themselves? One of the most widely used statements that annoys the friggin crap out of me is “kids today are so much worse than they used to be.” Okay…stop for just a damn minute and think about what a stupid idea that is. It’s funny when people say this because it’s absolutely untrue on every level. Since the beginning of time, there has been shitty people. If you look back through history…people have been killing each other and doing shitty things since forever. There was never a time in history that the world was super safe and people were just all nice all the time. There have always been wars, and have always been crazy people doing crazy things. NO different than now. There is always hope for a better tomorrow, but let’s be real shall we.  My grandmother always said…kids today are so bad, but I guarantee her grandmother said the same thing to her and her grandmother to her… And so on and so on. Because we grow up and WE mature and all of a sudden start to act like normal people and forget the stupid shit we were doing when we were 12. So we say….oh kids today are so bad. It’s just not true. They are no worse than they have ever been. A 12 year old acts like a fucking 12 year old. What makes them different is their personality. It has NOTHING to do with the time we live in. Guess what…when I was kid, my grandmother thought we were so spoiled because we had record players. They were new age things that kids shouldn’t have, in her opinion. When she was young…..her grandmother would have never thought it was proper to drive an automobile. She believed that kids were spoiled with all that new age automobile crap. I had a woman tell me that the reason kids are so bad today is because people don’t beat them anymore. My response to that was: How the fuck do you know if people are or are not beating their kids? and secondly…how the fuck do you even remotely think that beating someone is making them good? This “theory” makes no sense to me. There are still a wide range of folks that believe in that way of discipline. Just look at facebook!! O.O It’s just a ridiculous notion to think that one way is the way for everybody. We live on a big planet here and you have NO idea how other people are raising their kids. So to say “kids today are so bad” holds absolutely no validity. How can anyone know what is going on in someone else’s home? I have 4 kids, and they are all completely different. Why would I treat them exactly the same when they are NOT exactly the same people? I didn’t want to make this a post about disciplining children because I truly believe that each person has to decide on that for themselves. Whatever works for one person may not work for another, but DO NOT look at me in a store because my kid is having a friggin moment like I need to beat my kid! Because then I will look at you like FUCK YOU!!! okay…so rant over…..bring on the comments!! Let’s do this…

 

I recently read an AMAZING post that Lucy’s Football wrote about Mr. Rogers here!  While I was reading and commenting on this post, a fellow blogger Neuronotes- link here,  left these comments which embody exactly what I am trying to say….or rant about! Check it out…

 

“I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on
frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond
words… When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and
respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise
[disrespectful] and impatient of restraint”
~Hesiod, 8th century BC

“What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders,
they disobey their parents. They ignore the law.
They riot in the streets inflamed with wild notions.
Their morals are decaying. What is to become of them?”
~Plato, 5th century BC

“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for
authority, they show disrespect to their elders…. They no longer
rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents,
chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their
legs, and are tyrants over their teachers.”
~Socrates, 5th century BC

“The world is passing through troublous times. The young people of
today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence for
parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint. They talk as
if they knew everything, and what passes for wisdom with us is
foolishness with them. As for the girls, they are forward, immodest
and unladylike in speech, behavior and dress.”
~Peter the Hermit, 13th Century AD

LOUISE ALLAN

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