20’s vs 40’s! Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance! 
 
 
 
This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!!  Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know! 
 
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
 
Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.
 
 
Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”
 
 
 
Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!
 
 
 
Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”… 
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”
 
 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!! 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:
 
 
Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”
 
 
Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…
 
 
I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!! 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it. 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!
 
 
 
Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!).. 
 
 
 
Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…
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Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!
 
 
 
Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”… 
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be.  I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE! 
 
 
 
So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!
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Don’t be a Dick!.. It’s Christmas…

Dick walks into the Piggly Wiggly to buy some milk. As Dick is reaching in to get a gallon of milk he notices a big sign that says butter is on a super sale for the Holidays! He walks over to the butter container and reads the big sign. 
 
 
Get your butter today!! Nobody likes a DRY TURKEY for the Holidays!! Happy Holidays from us to you!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
Dick was so upset over the Happy Holidays display, that he decided he needed to calm down. He can not understand why so many people in this world keep saying Happy Holidays! Say Merry Christmas, goddammit. It upsets him very much!! So he heads over to his favorite coffee shop to get a skinny mocha latte half whip with a dash… just a dash of pumpkin spice flavor in hopes to calm down from that horrible Happy Holidays display. He orders his coffee, and as they hand it to him… he realizes that they have replaced his usual festive cup with an offensive red color!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
He was so upset that he actually threw the coffee away. How can he drink coffee out of a red cup with no Santa or snowflakes? It’s barbaric!! 
So far this day has been really rough on Dick. Every where he goes, he has to see things that offend him. This world is falling apart right in front of Dick’s eyes… and he just cant take it anymore. 
 
 
But even though the world is falling apart… Dick needs to eat because he skipped breakfast and now he is starving. He heads to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy with a side of CRISPY hash browns and three strips of bacon. The hash browns better be crispy though. The last time Dick went to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy, crispy hash browns and three strips of bacon… they had gotten a new cook in the back and when they brought his order out to him, the hash browns were not at all crispy. They were only kind of crispy. It really upset Dick. His entire day was ruined over that! Dick really hopes they get it right this time. 
 
 
As Dick gets seated in his usual spot at the restaurant, the hostess tells him that his waitress will be right with him. She tells him it has been a very busy day so please be patient and they will get to him as soon as possible. Dick DOES NOT like the sound of that. He is starving and has already had to deal with so much today… he is not sure he can handle a waitress that is not attentive and ON TIME! As Dick waits for his server to show up, he notices a table next to him has a baby and toddler. This makes Dick a little nervous. He has never been a fan of babies… or toddlers. Or kids at all really. Dick does not want to have to deal with kids while he is enjoying his meal!! 
 
 
Finally the server shows up and as Dick looks up at her, he realizes that he can not tell if the server is actually a “her.” He can not tell if the server is a man or a woman. The server has on pants and a very short haircut which Dick believes would make this person a man, but the server also has on eyeliner… which would make this person a woman! Dick becomes frustrated at not being able to tell what the gender of his server is!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
He is extremely offended at not being able to identify the gender of his server. He is not even sure he can eat his eggs anymore. Dick needs to know if his server has a Penis or a Vagina. It is HIS RIGHT to know!! He is very upset… but decides to order his meal anyway because he doesn’t think he can handle another upsetting thing happening today. He orders his meal and waits patiently for it to arrive. As he is waiting, he starts to hear the table with the baby and toddler getting louder. THIS is exactly why Dick does not like having kids in restaurants where he eats. It is UNFAIR for him to have to listen to the sounds of children while he is trying to eat. The children become louder and louder and the toddler breaks out in a full tantrum. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
How dare these people take their kids out to a public restaurant! It is RUDE! He is trying to eat! Dick decides he has had enough and he is LEAVING!!! AND he is not going to give that server a tip. It is his right to know if that server has a Penis or Vagina, and since he can’t tell… then he is not leaving a tip! That will teach that server to walk around looking like that!
 
 
 
As Dick is leaving the restaurant, he looks at the table with the kids and gives them a really dirty look. He can not believe these awful people. There is also a very big group of about 10 people seated in the middle of the restaurant and they are making a lot of noise… but at least they don’t have kids at the table!
 
 
 
Dick has had a very bad day. Many things have offended Dick. He is not even sure he will ever have a good day again because the world is changing and Dick does not like it. He wants things to be exactly the same way they were when he was five yrs. old. 
 
 
 
When Dick was five yrs. old, all he did was play in his front yard with his neighbor friends and go to church on Sunday. His life was very simple. And he wants it that way NOW!!! Dick doesn’t understand why all the other people that are also on this Earth DO NOT do things the way he wants them to be.
 
 
 
Dick is so upset that he decides to go visit his very best friend Jane. Dick and Jane have been best friends since they were children. He loves Jane. She always seems to understand him.
 
 
 
Jane invites Dick in, and Dick begins to tell her all about his troubles. All of the offensive things that the world keeps doing to him!
 
 
 
Jane sits Dick down and explains to him how he is not the only person on this rotating planet. She explains to him that even though the world may have seemed different when he was five yrs. old… it really wasn’t. He was only five so his experiences were very limited. The world has always been this way.  And ALL people are having a different experience. She also explained to Dick that getting offended by such silly things is really only hurting himself. Because people will always do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jane continues on by telling Dick that he is really just being a Dick… and needs to chill out… and that if he stopped noticing so much what other people were doing and instead focused on what he was doing… his day would probably go much better. And he wouldn’t be so concerned about what anyone else chooses to do with their life.
 
 
 
Dick thinks about all that Jane has said. Maybe Jane is right!! Maybe Dick and Jane should just chill!!! Order some pizza, turn on Netflix… and CHILL!!!
 
 
 
Dick thinks that’s a good idea! And now Dick is no longer such a dick…
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We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 
 
 
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 
 
 
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
 
 
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
 
 
 
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
 
 
 
For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
 
 
I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  
Welcome to my bed!
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Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
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When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 
 
 
When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 
 
 
If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
 
 
Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
 
 
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 
 
 
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
 
 
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
 
 
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
 
 
There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…
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Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?
 
 
 
Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!
 
 
 
1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.
 
 
2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!
 
 
 
3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)
 
 
4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.
 
 
5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.
 
 
6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.
 
 
7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.
 
 
8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!! 
 
 
9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.
 
 
10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans. 
 
 
11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!
 
 
12) Always remember  Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!
 
 
13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.
 
 
14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.
 
 
15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?
 
 
16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person. 
 
 
17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.
 
 
18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!
 
 
19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!
 
 
20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!
 
 
 
So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!
 
 
 
**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.
 
 
You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!
 
 
7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!
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The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
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But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

5 of the most ANNOYING Facebook comments ever… Just Saying…

I have a love affair with Facebook! It’s more of a love/hate type of thing really. I love that Social Media has created a place where we can connect with people, and share with each other all of the things that are important to us, and things that we love. There is also a downside to all of it.
 
 
I have written many articles about the good and bad of social media, and there is so much good that comes from being able to interact on a social platform like Facebook…. examples are being able to communicate and talk with people who are located on the other side of the planet that we are on. In the 80’s, the only way to even try to talk to someone who lived in Saskatchewan would be to dial a big huge number that would show up on your phone bill, and someone would always end up being pissed at you for dialing out of the country!!
 
 
 
The Internet has created this place where people from all over this globe can communicate and share with each other. It’s a great thing!!
 
 
 
We all know about the downside though. THE TROLLS!!! The mean ass people who don’t give a crap about what they spew out into the Universe and who it will be affecting. They don’t care! I truly believe trolls just need a hug…. around the neck… with my hands…
 
 
 
I have been joining into social media for over 8 years now. I started out on MySpace. I would post music as my background and post pics of all kinds to represent exactly who I am! I had to try to keep up with maintaining my “cool” rep!! That’s not at all true… I totally just lied about being cool. I am not nor have I ever been cool.
 
 
Then Facebook happened! In all the years I have been partaking in social media, no matter what you post… there is always that one person…. That one ANNOYING comment!!! You think you have the most witty, hilarious status post ever, and you are so excited to post it and see how many likes you get. You even made sure to use spell check… and you go ahead and post it! You get some likes…. you start to get a comment or two, and then it happens. That ONE asshole that thinks they are so damn cool and comes along and ruins your status post!!!! You know who you are!!!
 
 
 
 
I have compiled five of the most annoying comments people use on Facebook statuses! Here ya go…
 
 
 
 
1) When people end their comment with “Just Saying!”… Listen, I have used “just saying” before… but when you post a Facebook status that is clearly a joke in hopes to make other people smile… something like “Oh… I ate a bug today, I’m probably going to die a thousand deaths!” This is obviously a joke and not meant to be taken seriously. But then you have that one asshole that comes along and leaves this comment. 
 
 
Asshole – “Um… you do know eating a bug won’t kill you right? Just saying.” OR “Eating bugs isn’t that bad. People do it all the time in other countries. Just saying.” OR “Um… you do know that we are all dying right???? JUST SAYING!”
 
 
Me – “Oh thanks for telling me!! all this time I was sure I was going to live forever…. what would I do without your comment letting me know the truth… the real truth about life! I was sure I was going to be just like that Vampire family, you know, the Cullen’s, but now that you have finally come along and told me the real truth about life, Now I can continue on knowing that YOU….a random asshole Facebook commenter has told me truth while everyone else has lied to me all this time!! I owe you my life friend!!!”. Just saying…. 
 
 
 
 
 
2) When people leave a comment that says “Pic or it didn’t happen!” Okay, first of all, how many people are sitting there ready with their camera all the time. That is NOT real life! Most of the time, I miss the good shit on camera because I don’t usually sit around with my camera ready at all times. When you leave this comment on someones post…. you are basically calling them a liar! You are telling them that even though they took the time to share an event that happened in their life,  you choose to not believe what they are saying unless they can produce proof in the form of a picture. Are you a fucking lawyer or something?! So what if I post that Heath Ledger came back from the dead and became besties with me? Is that so hard to believe?? Your “pics or didn’t happen” is not witty…or cute!! So stop!!
 
 
 
3) People that go around and correct grammar. We all know about the grammar Nazis!  I’m not going to lie, I have used the correction of spelling on asshole troll comments before. But that’s mostly just to piss them off for leaving an asshole comment to begin with. I would never go along and destroy someones Facebook status with a rude comment like this:
 
 
 
Random Facebook status – “Went to the beach with the family today! We had the best time playing in the sand with bukets and shovls. It was awesome!!”
 
 
 
Grammar Nazi – “That’s awesome that you had a great day with your family… but you spelled “buckets” and “shovels” wrong!! Just saying”….
 
 
OR
 
 
Grammar Nazi- “What are bukets and shovls?! LOL!”
 
 
 
Please know that if you do this…. you are a Grade A asshole!! The kind that no one likes at all!! You just made someone feel bad after they were sharing a wonderful memory about their day,  and you ruined it with that one comment!!
 
 
 
4) Another top of the line annoying comment comes in the masqueraded form of “being helpful”… but is actually more bragodocious than anything. For example someone posts a  Facebook status about how their six-year-old keeps missing the toilet and peeing on the floor. A jerk face  always comes along with this comment…
 
 
 
Asshole comment – “Why don’t you make him clean it up himself!! I made my kid clean it up himself and IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!! He learned real quick!!”
 
 
 
A few points here…. I completely and totally doubt that IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!!! Mostly because a kid peeing on the floor is not always on purpose. Accidents happen! I have peed on the floor before because I tried to hold it for too long and at the last second decided to bolt to the toilet and my bladder is like “Fuck you”…. while piss is running down my legs and I finally make it to the toilet covered in piss!! Who am I to judge about not always making the toilet.
 
 
The thing is…. unless someone asks for your parenting advice at the end of their Facebook status, don’t assume they want it!! It’s rude!! We all parent differently, and when you leave a comment like that, you are NOT being helpful! You are being an asshole. I have been a parent for 24 years! There is nothing anyone can tell me that I have not already experienced on my own. If I post a comment about my kid pissing on the floor…. It’s because I want to share with other moms that they are not alone! I’m looking for solidarity as moms. A comment about how you hard assed your kids into never doing it again is nothing more than you saying “I’m a better mom. Maybe you should be a hard ass like me and you will never have pee on the floor again!”
 
 
Have you ever walked into a public restroom before?? These are adults using these restrooms and there is piss everywhere!!! And shit for that matter…. Just because people grow up physically does not mean they never piss on the floor!!!
 
 
 
5) And lastly… anytime you are going to begin a comment with “I am SO SICK OF”… just stop yourself, okay! It is never going to be a nice comment. I have seen this comment on so many Facebook posts. It always goes something like this.
 
 
 
Facebook status – “I have decided to love my body at exactly the weight it is right now!!”
 
 
 
Commenter – “I AM SO SICK of this body love crap!! It is unhealthy!!!! You need to be healthy, and thin like me!!!!”
 
 
 
another example…
 
 
 
Facebook status – “I just wrote a blog post about annoying comments on Facebook statuses… you should check it out!”
 
 
 
Commenter – “I AM SO SICK of people telling me what to comment. I can say whatever I want to say…. it’s MY Facebook and you can’t tell me what to say on MY Facebook!!”
 
 
 
Well…. yes, it is your Facebook! But if you are going to go around leaving asshole comments on people’s Facebook statuses,  then eventually someone is going to write a blog post about it! And then that person will probably ask you to like it and share it… **Blink, Blink, Blink…
 
 
 
Just to be clear… I don’t care at all about what people choose to post on their Facebook statuses, but I do care when people leave asshole comments on my posts or other folks posts. Didn’t your mother ever tell you if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?……….. Asshole!
mf

Expectation of Summer vacation ~ VS ~ Reality

I have so much planned for Summer.  It is going to be great. We are going to stay busy and get lots of sun. I want to make sure and keep the kids as active as possible and enjoy every second of summer!
Boy Kitcover
 
1st day of summer vacation-
You found this on Pinterest and made copies, filled it all out and you are ready to be Super Mom!!
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Second day of summer vacation-
Forget it….too much paperwork…
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-I am going to set up a pool in the backyard for the kids to play in.
Expectation
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Just use the hose you guys…. 
Reality
50-outside-activities-with-kids-playing-with-the-hose
 
 
We are going to spend some time at the park everyday so the kids can burn off some energy.
Expectation
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What’s wrong with the backyard… I mowed last week!! Just watch out for the dog poop okay…oh and don’t touch that dead mouse over there…
Reality
Old-Swing-Set
 
We are going to go to the craft store and get lots of crafts. Glue and paints. We’ll still pass up on the glitter though..
Expectation
pratical-crafts
 
I bought the Gigantor box of sidewalk chalk you guys…go draw stuff…
Reality
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We are going to read a full chapter every night. We don’t want to lose our reading skills over summer.
Expectation
Kozzi-teacher-reads-a-book-to-children-in-a-summer-park-487-X-266
Reality
Funny-kids-playing-videogames-blanket-fort
 
 
We are going to have picnics in the park!
Expectation
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Reality
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We are going to be sure and eat nutritious meals this summer. It’s important to stay on top of eating healthy and not let that go just because it’s summertime!!
Expectation
Kids_Eating_Vegetables.jpg-300x217
 
Popsicles…
Reality
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We are going to stay on schedule as much as possible. Still keep with the getting up early schedule so when school starts in fall it will make everything so much easier
Expectation
Why-settle-for-being-just-a-full-time-parent-if-you-can-juggle-both-work-and-home
 
Sleep all day up all night!!!
Reality
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We are going to garden and plant flowers this summer. It’s always good to stay connected to the earth!!
Expectation
Article
Reality
 
5-fountain
The Expectation of Summer
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The reality of Summer
 
I’m bored….and hungry!!! I’m bored…and hungry…..I’m bored and hungry….. I’m bored…and hungry….I’m bored…
crazy-house1
Happy Summer Everyone!~ 
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