We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 
 
 
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 
 
 
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
 
 
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
 
 
 
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
 
 
 
For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
 
 
I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  
Welcome to my bed!
DSCN9506
~
DSCN9507
 
 
Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
DSCN9519
 
 
When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 
 
 
When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 
 
 
If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
 
 
Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
 
 
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 
 
 
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
 
 
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
 
 
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
 
 
There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…
~
DSCN9486
~
DSCN9490
 
 
 
 

Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?
 
 
 
Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!
 
 
 
1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.
 
 
2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!
 
 
 
3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)
 
 
4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.
 
 
5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.
 
 
6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.
 
 
7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.
 
 
8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!! 
 
 
9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.
 
 
10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans. 
 
 
11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!
 
 
12) Always remember  Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!
 
 
13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.
 
 
14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.
 
 
15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?
 
 
16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person. 
 
 
17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.
 
 
18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!
 
 
19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!
 
 
20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!
 
 
 
So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!
 
 
 
**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.
 
 
You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!
 
 
7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!
10526188_1527451217483593_3035574941591867847_n
~
~
do-whatever-the-hell-you-want-what-do-i-care
~
~
gw0ut
~
~images (6)
 

The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
sloth7
 
 
But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

LOUISE ALLAN

Life from the attic

Dadmissions

life surrounded by a wife and two girls

Cellulite Looks Better Tan

And Other Observations From My Soap Box.

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

renegade mothering

tales of a wayward mama

Dances With Fat

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size Dependent

Abby Has Issues

I have issues. So do you.

Nonsense & Shenanigans

Because who wants to make sense and behave, anyway?

Single Girl Blogging

I'm a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

The Apprehensive Vagina

Navigating a world of anxiety and sexual pain through humor and conversation.

TD421

Why aren't you at your post?

Veggiewitch

...adventures of a Crafter-Mama!

Why are you so AWESOME and I SUCK?!

I have struggled to be famous for over a decade. I have learned talent and hard-work are not key factors. This blog is dedicated to my pursuit in figuring out what it takes… to be famous.

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

Guapola

Crazy is relative. Just ask my relatives. And music!

Weird Woman Lives Past 40

My bumpy, messy, fattening, slutty, beautiful, simple life. Step into my panties...err parlour.

Crazy Good Parent

a digital community for people with mental health issues trying to be the best parents they can