Someone has Soiled the Air!

Embarrassing moments. You know what I’m talking about. We all have them. At one time or another, you do something that you were hoping no one saw, but you realize that 10 people saw. Yeah… you know, like when your ass cheeks decided they were hungry and wanted to eat your underwear, so they start disappearing into your ass and you try and find a discreet place to pull them out. Or you do the funny walk trying to get them to descend on their own, but usually just make yourself look like an asshole walking around with something in your ass. I don’t know if that’s happened to you…. but it’s happened to me. So, I started thinking about some embarrassing shit that has happened to me, and I figured…. eh…. at this point I have pretty much lost all my dignity and pride so why not share, and maybe you can feel better about your life.

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Back around 1992 or so, the guy I like hanging around with (aka husband) he wasn’t at the time though…. anyway, him and I were driving around in this really beat up toyota piece of crap. We came up to a 4 way stop as you do, and started making our way through it. There happened to be a gentleman that looked like he just celebrated his 105th birthday driving the other way through the same 4 way stop… but he didn’t stop! I guess his glasses weren’t working correctly that day. Needless to say, he hit us with his car. It really wasn’t that bad of an accident, but I didn’t have a seat belt on…. (it was the early 90’s and I was still an avid user of aqua net, the seat belt didn’t fit around my hair!)…. so I hit the dashboard.  I had a few bruises, but nothing really bad. I had to see a chiropractor though. It was like a 6 month deal, and I had to go every week for adjustments. I will never forget this one particular visit though. It’s one of those visits that you never really forget. Let me set the scene for you.  I am waiting on the chiropractic table thing that you have to wait on for the chiropractor guy to come in. He finally makes his way in, and starts doing all these adjustments to my spine. I don’t know if you have ever been adjusted by a chiropractor, but they do a lot of twisting and pulling. He lifted up one of my legs and twisted it, then cracked my spine. Then came the other leg, and while he was twisting my leg over… it happened. I farted!! Right there! It wasn’t just one of those light farts either. It was LOUD and PROUD!! Like it had been hanging around in my intestines and it was finally set free. The worst part about it was that we were pretty much face to face at this point. He just looked at me. I just looked at him. It was like a stare off. Who was going to talk first? Would you like to know what I said?… I’ll tell ya… I said “Well doc, what do you expect when your twisting me all up like that…. Stuff is going to escape!” O.O Yeah… I farted on the chiropractor.

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Since I am being open about some embarrassing moments, I have another one for you. Only this happened to the husband and not to me. But to this day…. I laugh my ass off every time I think about it. Our oldest daughter is now 22 but at the time she was barely 1 yrs. old. Some friends invited us to a play, so we said sure… we will check it out. When the play was finally over, we were walking out to the parking lot to our car, and the husband was holding the 1 yr. old. It was dark out at this point but he kept saying “I smell shit!!! I keep smelling shit!” It was so dark out by this time that we couldn’t see anything. So he sets down the 1 yr. old and starts sniffing around because he said it smelled like it was on him.

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The husband: “I think I smell shit on my arm?”

 

 
He realized at that moment that he had shit on his arm. All over it. And because he was sniffing his arm… the shit was now on his nose.

 

 
The husband: “I think there is shit on my nose… fuck there is shit on my nose.”

 

 
Me: “Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahhaa….*cough *cough…hahahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahaha…. You need to go in the bathroom and take care of that “shit!” 😉

 

 
The husband: “But I have to walk through all those people to get there.”

 

 
Me: “Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhahaha hahahhahaha hahhahahahahha….”

 
So the husband had to walk back into the building and make his way through crowds of people to get to the bathroom and wash the shit off his nose. Hoping no one wants to stop and talk because there is always someone that wants to stop and talk. Good times!! Oh the embarrassing moments in life. I have lots more that I could tell you about but instead I think you should watch this video. I made it for you! PLUS….This right here is my Facebook page, and if you click on the link it will take you directly to it. when you get there, you should hit the like button and then you will have access to an unlimited stream of embarrassing shit. Sometimes just funny shit! So…you should do that after you watch my video…and then I will officially control your mind…..I’m just kidding! 😉

 

Nope!! Not this day…I don’t want to…

Have you ever just woke up and thought to yourself…” Nope…I just don’t want to!” Yeah…that’s like everyday for me. 😉 But seriously…sometimes I just don’t want to. I don’t want to fight with the kids to get them up. I don’t want to make them breakfast. I don’t want to drive them to school. I don’t want to clean the toilets. I don’t want to go to the grocery store. AND most of all…I don’t want to exercise. I just don’t.

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Well…I got up, fought with the kids, dropped them off at school, went to the grocery store, and now here I am. Sitting here….writing this instead of exercising. The thought of exercising right now is making me sick. Seriously…I just don’t want to. Here is a list of things I would rather do right now than exercise today.

 
1. I would rather pluck every piece of hair on my body out with tweezers. I’m talking even the hard to reach ones. you know…the ones in THOSE places….

2. I would rather clean out my 8 yr. olds hutch which is basically a certifiable hoarding zone. This kid is hoardzilla. He won’t throw ANYTHING away. I have had to stuff crap in my bra to get it by him so he doesn’t notice. Check out this picture I took right before I threw all that shit away. There is a fucking triscuit box in there. A TRISCUIT BOX FOLKS!!!!

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3. I would rather have diarrhea than actually put on my fucking sneakers and get on the stupid eliptikal because at least you can take your phone in the bathroom with you and play solitaire while you are pooping. ( not that I do that)…I do though…

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4. I would rather eat my kids toenail clippings than exercise today. Okay…that’s not entirely true…they need to be covered in chocolate first…then it’s a go.

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5. I would rather watch a Keeping up with the Kardashians marathon and honey-booboo re-runs than exercise today.

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6. I would rather masturbate with a zucchini than exercise today. Hey…don’t knock it…some of those zucchinis get ginormous…

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CHOOSE WISELY MY FRIENDS…

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7. I would rather go to Walmart and have to follow around one of those folks in a motorized cart all through the store than exercise today. Unless they aren’t wearing deodorant. That might be a deal breaker…

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8. I would rather eat the tub of cheeseballs from Walmart, then when the tub is empty fill it up with Vodka and drink the cheesy chunky vodka with a big ol straw then exercise today.

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9. I would rather watch Miley Cyrus twerk naked and rub up all over a wrecking ball, and then make out with a sledge hammer instead of exercise today. woops….she did that didn’t she??

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Poor Thor…. How about this instead…

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10. And last but not least, I would rather sit on my ass and do NOTHING than exercise today. Which is what I am now doing! So…there it is…

 

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There is always this… I mean…it could be fun trying anyway…

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Wait a minute…it’s not over yet! I would much rather make another crazy video than exercise today. So….I did…:) Here ya go…

 

You Can’t Un-See this Shit!

Well folks…. the kids have been in school for a week now. It was a great first day, everyone was up and ready to go. Breakfast was eaten, backpacks were on… new sneakers shined and ready and they even had smiles on their faces. That lasted all of ONE DAY! By the next morning I was ripping blankets off of people to get them up, everyone left the house with unbrushed hair, and unbrushed teeth, and they fell asleep on the way to school. It’s been a rough week, but now that we are in a schedule…. I’m sure it will still suck!! This blog post makes no sense. It’s very random, and I may not make any sense to anyone… but fuck it! I wanted to briefly talk about this thing that is floating around the internet and causing all kinds of craziness. Here is The Post. I am sure a lot of you have seen it. One of my most favorite bloggers on the planet Renegade Mothering wrote about this very blog post, and this is by far my favorite response to this. You can read that Right Here and you should because it’s awesome. The thing is, when I read this post from Mrs. Hall, the first thing that stands out here is this woman bashing young girls for the pictures they post online just to post pictures of her sons half naked on a beach. I find that to be legitimately idiotic!! She recently took down the half naked pictures of her sons, and replaced them with wholesome family photos. I imagine because she realized how idiotic it is to write an open letter to teenage girls about how bad they look from their pictures, just to turn around and post the very same pictures of your own sons. I believe she has a right to her opinion…but so do I. Which is why I am responding here. Listen Mrs. Hall…. I know you replaced the pictures but remember this… we can’t Un-see what was already put out there. That is YOUR words. I have daughters. I get it. I don’t want my girls wandering around half dressed or putting up pictures on the internet that are sexualizing them in anyway. BUT even more than pictures and poses, I care about what they think of themselves. NOT what other people think of them. I want my daughters to know they are beautiful, even if other people try and make them feel less than beautiful. I want them to always love themselves enough that they DO NOT need approval from any body anywhere EVER!!! They are okay just as they are. That’s it. What they think of themselves will be the key ingredient in getting them through the tough times.

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OH SHIT…IT’S MY ASS…Look Away NOW, seriously…look away…

On a side note and completely changing the subject here- Listen man…. I am the first to admit that sometimes I fuck up on my grammar. Just recently I posted this thing on facebook, and I totally screwed up on the “you’re” in the post. I knew it… but for some damn reason facebook has taken away the edit option after you post something. So if you happen to screw up, you can’t edit it. You have to re-write a whole friggin post. What good is that if half the people already saw the wrong “you’re” anyway. Again… something you can’t un-see! Whatever!! The thing is…. these grammar nazi people are over the top. I just think that if you are spending your time on the internet fixing everyone’s spelling mistakes… you might need a hobby. Or some vodka. RELAX!!! If I spelled every word wrong, then by all means give me your comment… but if I obviously screwed up one word… get the fuck over it!!!

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STOP with the friggin selfies already…Damn…

So I have talked about a bunch of nonsense. This post makes no sense. This last week I didn’t get crap done. I was just trying to figure out schedules and where people needed to be and by what time they needed to be there. Pretty much nothing got done. Except for this. I did this! WARNING… this is some crazy shit you can NEVER EVER un-see. Like this could crop up in your head at any time. You might be at the library checking out a book, and BOOM… this shit pops in your head. You could be at the grocery store getting some apple jacks… BOOM… in your head. So remember… by clicking the play button… you assume all the responsibility of never being able to un-see this shit again. AND… to my facebook people… you have already seen this. I am sorry you have to relive it. If you are not a Facebook Friend… you totally should be!! Seriously…. look to the right of this page and their is a little blue “like me on facebook” button. You should completely make out with that button and click on it over and over, and you will get all kinds of nonsense that you can never un-see again . What a deal!!

 

LOUISE ALLAN

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