Annoying shit my husband does: First of all I want to say that I love this man more than chocolate! It’s true…and believe me when I say I REALLY love chocolate. He is super cute, and says all kinds of nice things to me, and buys me shit I don’t need and always looks at me like I am the only girl he sees! These are many of my favorite things about him. We have been hanging out together since around 1987. We realized back then that we basically were 2 twisted souls combined in one…so we jumped on the ride and we’re still going. Hands in the air and everything. The husband was doing some annoying shit the other day, and I told him that I was going to write a blog about all the annoying shit he does, and everybody is going to know. His response was… “Yeah..and you could call it my annoying husband who is a whore!” Apparently I say whore a lot. I looked back through my old posts and Yep….I say whore a lot. I have also realized that because I use whore a lot in my blog, you would not believe the things people type into google and other search engines that bring them straight to me. (That is for another post on another day.)
So…aside from being super cute, the husband has this way of also being super annoying. Like when any crisis is happening, such as one of the kids arms is falling off and blood is gushing everywhere and the kid is screaming at the top of their lungs… (no worries…we found the arm) 😉 … The husband is mister calm, cool and collected.
The husband: “I got this handled..no need to freak out, everything is okay! We will find so and so’s arm, it will be reattached, and all will be okay.”
Me: “Oh my freaking crap…my BABBBYYYY….There is blood on my babbbyyy…Do something…Oh my gosh…HELP MY BABYYYY.”
Yeah…that’s usually my reaction. The husband though….nah, stuff like that doesn’t even faze him. You want to know what fazes him though? A little coffee spilling on his shirt. Yeah…that sends him into a freak the frick out. He can not handle life if he accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt .. Or here’s another example…
The husband: “Honey…are the clothes in the dryer finished yet?”
ME: “I don’t know dear…why don’t you go and check?”
The husband: “Um..these clothes are still damp.”
Me: “Well…. considering we are late as fuck you are just going to have to wear damp clothes.”
Holy frijoles you would think the world has stopped revolving!
The husband the entire time we are out: “I can’t take these clothes… seriously…. the dampness is bugging me so bad. We need to just go home….these clothes are so damp”
Are you fricken kidding me with this? This guy is the essence of calm when one of our kids has lost an arm, or leg…but put on a slightly damp shirt and OH FUCK!!! I don’t get it! Another annoying thing my ever so sweet husband does, and has always done since I have known him. I know many people have the thing about not wanting to be late. I understand that always being late to things can be really devastating for some folks…but I am not one of those people. I have tendencies of running late. Do you realize what I have to do before I can even leave the house? The things that involve getting your hair and face presentable take some time. This perfection can not just be achieved in 2 minutes time. There are things that have to take place before I can see the public. Why do men not understand this? Beauty takes time…So GET OVER IT!! He does not understand why it takes me so long to get ready, well I can’t understand why it takes him so long to go poop. Seriously….you sit down, push some puppies into the pool, do some wiping and washing..and you’re on your way. If your going to take 45 minutes to drop a load…I’m going to take ALL the damn time I need to get ready. That’s it.
One of my most favorite annoying things he does…is the fake I’m asleep trick when one of the kids needs something. Okay…you were just sitting there watching boxing on t.v., as a matter of fact…you were kind of yelling at the t.v., and from the other room we here…”Mom, Dad, I need you…NOWWWWW!”…Well…obviously I am ignoring it because I don’t want to get up…but then I look over and you have conveniently fallen asleep within 3 seconds. Uh…I call bullshit!
We are not much for fast food joints. I’m not saying that I am against them…I just don’t frequent them much at all. On the rare occasion that we happen to pull in to a drive thru…the very last person you want driving the vehicle is my husband. Trust me on this. I don’t know what his problem with ordering into a box is, but he just cannot take it. He gets all flustered and stressed out…I see the pain in his face…and ABSOLUTELY every time he says everything wrong!! Seriously, how hard is it to order 4 cheeseburgers? He just can’t seem to do this and ends up ordering shit no one even wanted, and getting all crabby and it usually ends up with him saying, “You guys order….I can’t talk in this thing!”
Me : “I know the box seems scary…but all you have to do is talk in it sweetheart. It’s really quite simple.”
Husband : blink, blink, blink.
Another thing I really love to do is totally screw up his hair. Let me explain. My husband has no hair. And the little he does have, he shaves it off. So he basically has stubble on top of his head…and every time I mess up his hair he gets all pissy and walks off to the bathroom mumbling crap like “Why do you always have to mess up my hair?…now I have to fix it again.”
Well…..You don’t have any hair…so what the fuck are you fixing! You’re actually brushing the stubble and of course because he doesn’t want me to do it…I will do it….repeatedly!! I love when he gets all flustered. Now before everyone gets freaky deaky and thinks I am some horrible shrew to my husband, and how dare I call him a whore…for the record…It doesn’t bother him, so it shouldn’t bother you. I actually think he likes it when I call him a whore…*wink wink! He knows me more than anyone in this world and knows how inappropriate I am, and likes hanging out with me anyway. He can be very annoying but I am pretty damn sure I can surpass him in the annoying department. But I suppose that is what marriage is all about. Annoying the crap out of each other, but accepting it because you love this person enough to take the bad with the good. My guy is the perfect guy for me! We are like peas and carrots…or peanut butter and jelly. He can annoy the holy bejesus out of me…but he’s cute, and usually gets the right flavor of Ben and Jerry’s… so I guess I’ll keep him around.
A video for you! ~