Have you been to your kid’s school concert yet?? …READ THIS FIRST

It’s that time of year again… the end of school time. The time when the kids have a million field trips to go on, and a ton of class picnics and I have to attend every single one! -_- There are also the kids choir concerts and end of school music programs that we have to attend or the kids will be all upset and never get over it!! I feel like I have been to a million and 3 music concerts for my kids this year. It seems like they have one for ever single occasion possible. Now listen, I think it is super cute that my kids learn some songs and get on stage and do a little number for all the parents…. but the truth is, if you have seen one, then you have seen them ALL!!! It’s true. After your second choir concert, trust me, you will be OVER it! They are all the same. A shit ton of people stuffed into a tiny gymnasium trying to watch their kids sing a song really badly that you have already heard them singing at home for the last month because they had to practice! Good Times!! I noticed the different types of folks that always attend these things, and I thought… eh, why not write about it! I couldn’t actually take in a deep breathe anyway due to the guy that was next to me because either he forgot to put deodarant on or he just chooses not to wear it. So instead of breathing, I jotted down notes about the different people at kid’s school music concerts. So here ya go:

 

There is the new parent of the baby: This is the parent that has their baby in the stands with them and they figure what better time to coo and tickle their infant, nibble their feet and bite at their belly, while expecting you to admire how cute their adorable little bundle of joy is! Babies are cute… I totally get it… I have a few myself. But sitting in the stuffy hot stands pressed up against a thousand other parents… I have lost my ability to see the cute in ANY damn thing! Also, I might be a bit jealous that they can use their baby as an excuse to leave early if it fusses… Whatever.

 

There is the “actually interested” parent: They sit with super intensity and all focus on their child. Their hand on chin with super focus! They refuse to seem bored, nodding their head the whole time as if the music is touching their very soul to the core. It’s not like we are listening to Mozart here.

 

There are the folks with the death glare: You make eye contact with them and they are GRUMPY!!! You don’t want to be there either, but at least you are trying to put on a happy face so as to not show your complete and utter hatred of sitting in those stands. Yes, you are dying from the inside out, but at least nobody is aware of your withering hopes and dreams. But these folks… they don’t even try to fake happiness. They are friggin pissed off at having to sit there and every damn person is going to know it!!! They want to GO HOME NOW!!! or at least to Starbucks…

 

There is the talker: You know who you are!! The same folks that talk during a movie in the theater. You talk through the whole damn thing, which is fine considereing most people probably aren’t even listening to the singing… but your talking is worse than the actual singing that is happeneing. So, you know what song they are singing? Good for you. Oh, you helped your kid practice everyday? Good for you. You tried to make tacos for dinner last night but the beans burnt and so you had to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch again just to have the dog eat the next batch of beans? Good for you? Crap, I don’t know how to respond. Just shut up and listen to the chorus of dying moose we are all so proud of.

 

There is the “I Know everybody” person: Before the concert even starts this person sits near the entrance always watching everyone who comes in so they don’t miss anyone that they might know. They spend most of the music concert waving and mouthing things to other people. Maybe changing seats to get even closer to all the people that they know. After the show they are still hanging around even after all the kids have left and most people have left, ..but there they are still chatting away with all the folks they know. They are sooo popular… Let me just say, bragging about how many people you know is not actually impressive. I know my dog pretty damn well, do I somehow seem cooler now?

 

There are the folks that see life through a lens: They spend the entire concert watching the concert through the lens of a phone or video camera. They may end up making their way to the front of the gymnasium because they are worried about missing something… yet they pretty much have missed the whole thing. But at least they get to watch it later on a screen the size of my toe nail… because that sounds better than experiencing it in real life. And can we just be honest for a minute… how many people ACTUALLY go back and re-watch kid concerts?? yeah… like none..

 

There is the texter: They spend the whole time texting someone… .anyone…. just as long as no one talks to them… and they don’t have to engage in anything… then all is well!

 

There is the nodding off person: They start out with great intentions… watching the kids sing “row, row, row your boat gently down the stream”… but by the time they get to “merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily… life is but a dream”…their eyes are shut! They repeatedly try and open them back up and listen to more of the song… but theycan’t help it, that lullaby is too much for them, and those kids sweet voices are singing them into slumber land! In the end, this person becomes entertainment for bored neighbors who find his head bobbing amusing.

 

You have the early person: They were the first person in the gymnasium. They wanted a good seat and they were not going to take any chances . So they were actually there before they had even set up the overflow chairs. Sitting smack dab right in the middle of the gymnasium at the very perfect spot with a big smile like… Too bad bitches…Early worm gets the bird…or something like that…

 

You also have the late person: The one that barely made it out the door and can not find a parking spot to save their life because they are all taken. Finally they have to park way down the street and walk the length of the Sahari desert to get to the school. They arrive in the gymnasium and the kids have already started singing “row, row,row your boat.” They look in the stands and see some folks nodding off, and some folks with their video cameras, a few people that have angry faces, and someone texting on their phone. Even the overflow chairs are all taken up so they end up standing on the wall in the back of the gym and they can’t even see their kid the entire time. So they spend the whole concert checking out other people so they can write a blog post about it later…

mf

A video for you~

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My Husband is a Whore…Part III

Okay so let me start this off by saying I have written 2 previous blog posts about my husband being a whore. You can read those Here and Here if you would like to. The truth is my husband is not a whore in the actual definition of a “whore.” I looked up the definition and it goes something like this:

 
Whore: a prostitute.

 
So I can honestly tell you my husband has never been a prostitute. I also have this thing where I think people get so worked up and weird over things that don’t matter in life. Like spending time worrying about a stupid word like whore. In reality the word means nothing. It only means something if you give it meaning. Now I am not saying that you should go around calling people whores because let’s face it…. that word comes with some very negative connotations. All I am saying is that if something like the word whore really upsets or offends you, maybe the best way to deal with it is instead of letting it tear you down, rise above the stupid word and realize that in reality it means NOTHING! It’s just a stupid word!

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So with that said…. I have called my husband a whore in my blog posts because I’m kidding and it’s funny. It doesn’t bother him because he knows I’m kidding. He also knows I have a tendency of being inappropriate and that my sense of humor is way the fuck off and kind of weird…. but he still chooses to hang out with me anyway.

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Back to why my husband is a whore part 3! The husband and I have been hanging out for something like 27 years now. That’s a long time. I like him…. and he’s fun to hang out with. He makes me laugh…. and he also drives me crazy!! We have had this on going debate about toilet paper and so I thought… you know what, I’m going to write about it because…well, that’s what I do!! The toilets in this house have a tendency of plugging up constantly. It’s like a thing around here and it makes me freakin nuts! I feel like half of my life is unplugging toilets. Every time a toilet is plugged and I say to him…”That toilet is plugged could you unplug it please?” His response is always the same “Well why do people keep using so much toilet paper?” Now listen…I just do not agree with this idea. I have kids,…and I get that they do things like stick a ton of toilet paper in the toilet just to do it…Kids do things sometimes! But the reality of the situation is that I am going to use the exact amount of toilet paper I need to take care of the job and that’s that!! If it ends up taking half the roll of toilet paper to take care of the situation I have at the time, then that is just how it’s got to be!!

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I can not understand this thing about telling people they use too much toilet paper. In my world…too much toilet paper is NOT A THING!!! Can you really use too much?? I mean…if you need it you need it! If the job is just not getting done with 3 squares, then you need to up the ante on that bitch and use more squares.

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When my husband says things like…”If people wouldn’t use so much toilet paper, then it wouldn’t plug so much!” …I just can’t get on board with that thought process. Sometimes the situation calls for more toilet paper.

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He will say…”The toilet never plugs when I use it!” Really??… Well I am not so sure that is a good thing my friend! Are you taking care of business down there??… Are you handling the situation with the proper amount of toilet paper needed?? ..
All I can say is….I am firm believer in using the exact amount of toilet paper needed to get the job done! If it happens to plug the toilet, then fuck the toilet because you know what,…the toilet is not the boss of me! the toilet doesn’t make the rules….I DO!!!

 

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mf

 

 

Summer Fuckery~

Well folks, …it’s almost that time again. The time when the kids are going to be home EVERY DAMN DAY!! Now I am not saying I don’t like having my kids around every day,…but the truth is I don’t like having my kids around every day! ….Sometimes You just need a break ya know. There have been some mornings where they are arguing and fighting, and they won’t get dressed and didn’t finish the homework and all I keep thinking is, get them in the car and drop them off and you will be FREEEEE!! I know that sounds bad, and I don’t mean it like that…but I actually really do mean it like that. Kids suck sometimes. Which is why I am so thankful and grateful for my kids teachers. These people not only have to deal with my kids, but a whole classroom full of kids. An entire room full of  little people with their fingers up their noses and some of them actually eat what they pull out of their nose…(excuse me while I go puke for a minute).. and an entire room full of kids that possibly have any or all of these conditions…Lice/pink eye/puking flu/ diarrhea/ …and on occasion Pee Pants! So the truth is, these people are exceptional and if you haven’t thanked your kids teacher today,….you totally should! And maybe leave some wine….

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Anyway..one of the things I love about having my kids home is being able to sleep in, and not have to get up and get dressed and all the stuff you gotta do. I know there are some awesome moms who still have to do that throughout summer because of their jobs and you ladies deserve lots and lots of wine!!! Being a mom is a hard job! Whether you work outside of the home or inside of the home…it’s still hard!

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I have to be honest with you guys though…..I am OVER the field trips and class picnics now! For some reason this is the month of field trips and picnics and get togethers and I just don’t want to! I DON’T WANT TOO!!!

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The one thing about summer that I can honestly say I am not excited about is that whole camping thing that everyone wants to do all the time. Listen…if you like to go sit out on a 100 degree day under a tree and swat at mosquitoes then by all means…go for it. I happen to be one of those indoor type of people. I’m not really a fan of bugs and dirt, and no way to wash your hands after you shit over a log because there was no proper toilets around. That’s just me though. I am weak…it’s true! Camping for me is sitting on my porch,…so I guess I will be camping this summer.

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I am ready to sit on my back porch and put my feet in a blowup pool while simultaneously drinking iced tea that has been spiked with Vodka because…well….NO MORE SCHOOL!!! So the chances of needing to spike the iced tea are going to be at an all time high. I guess you could say this whole kid’s off for summer thing is kind of bittersweet. It’s like I will no doubt be drowning in laundry and dishes having these people around all the time, but at the same time….NO MORE making lunches and field trips. So…I say…BRING IT ON SUMMER! I am ready…..wait,….maybe I’m ready…..um,

mf

A video for your entertainment!~

 

 

Open Letter…

Oh the days of being a kid. Do you remember? Maybe you remember some things about your childhood and some things you have forgotten. The long days of summer that felt endless. Meeting up with your friends and maybe riding your bike all through the neighborhood. I will never forget that time when I was about 10 and it was a hot summer day. We had spent most days riding our bikes for hours. There was this one house on my street. We called it the haunted house! We never saw anyone go in or out of it. It was surrounded by big huge hedges that circled the entire house, which of course made it look even scarier. Every time we would ride by that house, we would challenge each other to climb in a window and run through it. We would stop in front of the house and just stare at it. No one ever had enough courage to actually do it though. Except that one day!! There was five of us and we had been riding our bikes all day, and ended up in front of the “haunted house.” Josh ***** said he was going to do it! He was going to climb through the window and run through the house. Of course everyone egged him on and said, “no way… you’re chicken!” He got off his bike and made his way through the hedges. We all were right behind him because we had to make sure he was actually going to follow through with it. He first tried to see if he could open the front door but it was locked. Someone had noticed that a small window over the bathroom was slightly open. So he reached his hand in and was able to open it more. We all stood there watching to see if he was actually going to do it. He jumped right in the window. The house was dark and looked as if there had not been any life in it for quite some time. all of a sudden we heard him yell, then a big thump! We were all scared shi*less and frozen in our spots. No one wanted to move. finally about 5 minutes went by but it felt like 5 hours and he came flying out the window. He was breathing heavy and said “let’s get out of here right now!” That was enough for me, and in one flash we all booked it out of there so quick. We jumped on our bikes and kept on riding. We finally made it back to josh’s house. We were all out of breath, huffing and puffing, trying to find out what happened. He had said that when he entered the window, he figured it was just going to be an empty house but that isn’t what he found. He said that in the living room was a recliner chair set up with the back facing the hallway. He started to walk towards it and he saw something moving in the chair. He immediately turned around and started to head back to the window he came in but he felt the thing that was in the chair was right behind him. So he turned around and all of a sudden a cat jumped straight up in his arms. He yelled and lost his footing, falling backwards on the ground. The cat made some kind of weird hissing sound at him, and that was when he got up and flew back out the window. So the whole time he was scared because of a cat!! A CAT! This is a true story that happened in my childhood. I am grown up now with 4 kids of my own. I have never been to jail, and have never been in trouble with the law. I got pretty decent grades in school, and I write a silly mom blog that is basically nonsense. I started dating my husband when I was 14 years old. I am now 40. We grew up in the same neighborhood and are still hanging out together after all these years. When I think back to that time when I was a kid and did something really stupid, I often wonder why? Like why the hell do kids do stupid things. I really don’t have an answer for it. Having 4 kids myself, I have witnessed them all make mistakes and learn from them. I guess that is what life is all about. Screwing up and hopefully learning from it so that the next time around, you make a better choice. I remember many Halloweens when we would wake up to a toilet papered house and an egged car. WHY?? Who knows! Did you ever play ding dong door ditch when you were a kid? I did. I actually did a lot of phone pranks. I thought I was so cool because I would dial a number… we had a rotary phone back then…. and then they would answer and I would say something really lame and then hang up. Caller ID ruined that fun for most kids!

The reason I felt so compelled to share this story is because in my hometown, a child that was seventeen years old was gunned down this week. He was an exchange student from Germany. He was stealing some beer out of a person’s garage and the home owner filled him full of bullets. There is so much more to this story but the small simple fact is that this child will never be able to look back on his stupid mistake. He payed for it with his life! I have been following this story and I made the mistake of reading the comments and opinions on it. It made my stomach sick to see such a lack of caring for human life. So many people keep saying “He was trespassing and so he deserved it!” So many people saying that they would have shot and killed also.

First of all, I am NOT talking about a gun debate here. I could care less if someone chooses to own a gun or not. That is not what this is about. It’s about the fact that doesn’t anybody value human life? Anybody? It reminds me of the days when people would go out to watch gladiators kill each other and public hangings. Why is there no value on human life? Even if someone does steal your property… it’s just stuff! It means nothing. Have you ever watched hoarders? Those people have WAY too much stuff. Do they really need it all? So many people have lost stuff to natural disasters and fires. How many times have you ever heard someone say… I wish my family would have died in that fire instead of my stuff.

I am not a religious person. I know about the bible though because I was raised religious. Oddly enough… being a good catholic girl that went to a catholic school and sat in a church every Sunday didn’t keep me from doing some stupid things sometimes. And it had nothing to do with my parents because I usually didn’t act as stupid in front of them. I have seen so many people bring religion in to this, and the thing is… I know the bible says if someone wants something of yours… give it to them! It means nothing anyway. I have read it time and again. Not to mention one of the most used verses which is you who have not sinned may cast the first stone. As I said, I am not religious for my own reasons…but so many people are dragging religion and everything else into this.

To all the folks that keep saying “he was a criminal and deserved to die,” I have only one question for you…. Did you ever do anything in your childhood that you were not supposed to do? Did you ever succumb to peer pressure just that one time? Did you ever make a mistake in your life and do something you wish you could take back? Sadly this kid will never have the opportunity to learn from his mistake and regret it. He won’t have a story to tell his children and grandchildren about that one time when he stole beer out of a garage and was an idiot! Just a quick side note because I know that people are going to make all kinds of assumptions about me. Yes..I do own a gun! NO I am not a liberal! And I truly believe that the only time you should start shooting at anybody is if your life is being threatened. If someone is trying to kill you, then protect yourself if you choose to do so. But that was not the case here. I bet that if the homeowner had yelled at this kid in the garage and said, “Listen kid, I have a gun and I will use it if you don’t get out of here” the kid probably would have ran off. And then he would still be alive, and his parents wouldn’t have to cry themselves to sleep tonight.

 

I generally keep this a place of nonsense and ridiculousness. I usually have a really hard time getting into serious topics. I like to keep it funny and silly…but today I would like to get serious. I realize everyone has an opinion on things that happen in the world, and that can often lead into big arguments because of disagreements. I am not trying to change anyone’s mind about anything. I am simply voicing my opinion on this. I feel very connected to this story for a few reasons. This has hit close to home for me and so many others. This is just my opinion! Here is a link to the news story >> HERE <<

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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