The Top 5 WORST people to run into in public places…

Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)

 

 

The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind…  and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:

 

 

 

 

For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!

 

 

 

I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall! 

 

 

The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:

 

 

 

1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi.  You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog! 

 

 

 

 

2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:

 

 

 

 

 

3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.

 

 

 

 

4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)

 

The conversation would probably go like this:

“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:

 

 

 

 

20’s vs 40’s! Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance! 

 

 

 

This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!!  Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know! 

 

 

 

For Instance:

 

 

 

Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.

 

 

Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”

 

 

 

Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!

 

 

 

Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!

 

 

 

Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”… 

 

 

 

Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”

 

 

 

 

Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!! 

 

 

Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:

 

 

Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”

 

 

Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…

 

 

I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!! 

 

 

 

Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it. 

 

 

 

Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!

 

 

 

Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!).. 

 

 

 

Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…

 

 

 

Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!

 

 

 

Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”… 

 

 

 

Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be.  I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.

 

 

 

Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE! 

 

 

 

So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!

~

 

 

 

 

 

 

The World is Goin Nuts!!..

The Internet does it again!! We all know the Internet can be a scary place sometimes. It can also be a magical place full of puppies, pandas, and unicorn poop! 

 

 

The truth is… it is part of our lives now. The Internet is here, and it is a part of how we do many of the things we do.

 

 

 

For instance…

 

 

 

If you have a medical question…  There is WebMD! But be careful because if you type in your symptoms of having a hurt toe… it will probably tell you that you have cancer and you need your leg amputated!

 

 

 

The days of Encyclopedias are gone! If you need information or to look up facts… You have Google! And everybody knows that Google knows everything!! Just Google it… and Google will tell you….

 

 

 

If you are feeling sad you can watch hours and hours of puppy videos or cat videos.

https://youtu.be/S7znI_Kpzbs

 

 

 

You can find bloggers, and vloggers, and read all kinds of articles and watch all kinds of videos.

Who is this awesome Blogger…    RIGHT HERE!!!

 

 

 

And if you feel like socializing with folks… you have Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram! 

 

 

 

The fact is… this is how we interact now. We are plugged in. Kind of like the Matrix! A little foreshadowing going on there… 😉 

 

 

 

 

I like to hang out on Facebook. I mean… let’s face it… It’s Zuckerberg’s world and we are all just living in it!! Amiiright??!!

 

 

 

I am highly addicted to a Facebook page called Tasty! This place is almost as addicting as Netflix. They post videos of recipes being cooked and all you see are the hands making the food, and it is mesmerizing. Like I could literally sit for hours and watch video after video. It is highly addicting. They make it all look so easy. And you don’t even have to press play on these videos. Which let’s face it,  who the hell wants to take time to press play. Being able to just scroll and it starts playing magically is amazing. Nobody has time to be pressing play on shit.

 

 

 

But then…  you have the comment section. I know, I know… NEVER read the comments! You might think to yourself “Oh this is a recipe on how to make some cheesy enchilada dish… how bad can the comments be?”

 

 

~

BAD!!

 

 

So I watched this recipe here about Moroccan chicken. And I want to break down for you how a simple recipe for Moroccan chicken can turn into an all out drunken brawl. Thanks Internet!! 

 

 

 

 

It all starts out pretty innocent enough. Everyone has an opinion, right? So they must come and write it in the comments so all the people can see how they feel about Moroccan chicken:

 

 

 

These are real comments: (I wrote them exactly as they are written in the comment section, So don’t blame me for the misspells… 😉 ) 

 

 

** – My thoughts…

 

 

 

 

Person 1 Comment – “Morrocan don’t eat harissa… Spread some cumin and let it cook with some chickpeas doesn’t mean it’s a moroccan like, and it goes the same way as well for the others meals… This is just a One-Pan Chicken to me”

 

 

**(Innocent enough I guess. This guy is not impressed with one of the spices so he must tell all the people! What even is Harissa though?? I have no idea)…

 

 

 

Person 2 Comment –  “We eat it –‘”

 

 

 

**(okay… so apparently there is a person that eats it, and she wants you to know!!)

 

 

 

 

Person 3 Comment – “But we eat it”

 

 

 

**(Another commenter coming on to let us all know that they too in fact eat it!! We are still talking about Harissa right??… I still don’t know what that is…)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comment –  “Don’t eat harrisa? It is a must in every meal. Coming from Moroccan. I don’t know where she come up with that”

 

 

 

**(So here comes person 4 to respond to person 1 about how Moroccans do not eat harissa!! You guys… what the fuck is Harissa???. anyone???)

 

 

 

Person 1 Comments again – “Well boy I ain’t a she. And if you’re used to eat harissa whereas you were raised in Morocco, it’s up to you that’s fine. But I bet you eat ketchup too. I mean the only moroccan touch in this meal is only the name and that’s all.”

 

 

 

**(What’s wrong with ketchup??… rude!!!!)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comments again – “who u r calling boy? A little cunt? U don’t know what are u talking about.”

 

 

 

**(Um… okay guys… what does this have to do with Moroccan chicken?)

 

 

 

Person 1 comments again – “you’re so full of shit with your tiny ballsack that I ain’t even gonna argue with ya on what’s up with the moroccan food. Get your shit together and don’t even try to step out to your miserable hole of “I have been raised in Morocco so I know what’s up”. What I’ve seen is an eyesore to all the moroccan community. But alright I’m glad you grew up with some Harissa out of your ass you fucking horsecrap.”

 

 

 

**(Did this guy just call someone horse crap?? And what does he mean “Harissa out of your ass?”.. Does Harissa come out of assess??  I’m not going to lie… this whole thread is starting to feel a bit like a Donald Trump rally!!)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comments again – “shut the fuck up fucking twat. Go squize on a fat dick, piese of shit , Jackass.”

 

 

 

**(We are definitely NOT talking about Moroccan chicken anymore folks!! “squize” on a fat dick??… WHAT???)

 

 

 

 

 A new person arrives into the conversation – “So much butthurt over a bloody chicken dish. They call it “Moroccan” because it is probably easier than calling it Cumin, Harrissa, cherry tomato and chickpea Chicken.”

 

 

 

**(hmm… good points being made by the new arrival… How will they respond?)

 

 

 

Another new Commenter arrives – “So it’s not Moroccan give a shit! Will that stop you cooking it? If they called it spicy chicken would you cook it? It’s still nice douche!”

 

 

 

**(I don’t know…  but spicy chicken and douche in the same sentence makes me feel all weird inside.)

 

 

 

Person 4 comes back for some more – ” So u are a fucking wannabe. Try to hard to fit in? GO FUCK YOUR MAMA”

 

 

 

**(Okay now… I just wanted some chicken!! Why you gotta bring momma into this?! Let’s keep the mothers out of this folks)..

 

 

 

Person 4 left a meme for person 1 – 

 

 

 

**(Really creative use of a meme by Person 4… I do love the use of a good meme in a fight…)

 

 

 

And then this guy joins in – “Shit went too far ! … Forget about it ! Realizin’ what a meal’s name can cause , the world is goin’ nuts I swear ! We eat it we don’t eat it , it’s not ours but it’s common in the country whatever it is, let’s make everyone happy ! Oh !”

 

 

 

**(I do agree the world is “goin nuts”… and yet I still laughed my ass off at this comment! “Shit went too far”… yes random commenter on a recipe video… shit did go too far”)

 

 

 

 

Well… that was fun! Thanks Internet… you always have the ability to lift my spirits… and yet Internet… you also have the ability to have me sitting in my closet in the fetal position rocking back and forth sucking on my thumb crying for my mommy!!

 

 

 

Blink… Blink… Blink… 

 

 

Weight Loss, Balls, and other Annoyances…

It’s that time of year where we see blogs, videos, and articles all over the Inter-webs about New Year resolutions and new beginnings for 2016. It’s very inspiring… and also annoying. Mostly because I consider myself a fairly self aware individual. Which means I am acutely aware of my propensity to procrastinate… on everything… (do you like all those fancy words I used??)

 

 

I stopped making New Year resolutions because I procrastinate… and because of that, I will almost certainly not follow through which will eventually make me feel like dump about myself.

 

 

It’s my own fault. I end up giving myself expectations that are so huge no one could possibly live up to them. No… I am done with that! 

 

 

I have instead decided to be content and okay exactly as I am. However, that does not mean that I am not moving forward. I am always moving forward. Learning, growing… and always moving forward to a new place. But enough with the damn expectations already!

 

 

There is nothing wrong with me just as I am… and there is nothing wrong with you just as you are!!

 

 

But that is not what this post is about. So let me get to the point. My most read and shared blog posts from past years tend to be ones that are bitchy in nature. You guys LOVE reading the stuff I complain about. Ya bunch of weirdos…  Just Kidding! But not really kidding though..

 

 

So I figured since you guys love it when I rant, I would give you a big old end of the year rant!! 

 

 

Enjoy!!

 

 

It has been a year full of all kinds of crazy. But we have to start somewhere so I decided to start with this!

 

 

This… 

 

 

Can we all please just STOP saying this!!

 

 

First of all… we live in a world where for some reason people love to use the term “grow a pair” as a sign of strength. I know you know!! WE ALL KNOW… This is FALSE advertising for balls folks!!

 

 

BALLS ARE WEAK!! They are not strong and they are certainly not the sign of strength in any way what so ever.  Every single time I see a person tell someone to grow a pair… my eyes roll so far back into my head I can actually see my brain!!

 

 

Look at this for a minute okay?

 

 

A Vagina spits out a FUCKING HUMAN BEING!!! YOU in fact. A Vagina pushed YOU into this world that you are currently breathing in!  And after it does that… it continues to work. And in many cases it will push out multiple human beings… back to back… and still keep on ticking. It’s like the energizer bunny… It keeps going and going.

 

 

 

I’m not saying that a Vagina doesn’t get banged up after pushing out people… but that son of a bitch keeps going! Vaginas are NOT WEAK!

 

 

Balls on the other hand…  are LITERALLY the weakest part on a human body. So weak in fact that every movie you have ever watched, or book you have ever read where a guy is attacking a girl…  if she kicks him flat in the balls, he drops. That guy is down!! If you barely scrape a pair of balls, they practically deflate. (and nobody likes deflated balls! AMIIRIGHT??)

 

 

So why?? Why do we use that term as a sign of strength when it is anything but strength?

 

 

I don’t get it!! That needs to change! It’s idiotic! Balls are WEAK!!!! 

 

 

Okay… now that I finally got that out of my system… Do you know what is super extremely annoying? When people lose weight and all of a sudden think they now somehow have earned the right to be a judgy asshole to other folks who have not lost weight.

 

Listen okay… If you decided to lose weight.. awesome! Do it!! Go for it! But that does not win you the medal of being a Judgy Mcjudgerton to everyone else who has not lost weight. 

 

 

Some people are happy just as they are. Who are you to tell them they need to lose weight if they are perfectly happy with the weight they have? YOU do not have a right to choose what makes another person happy. That is NOT for YOU to decide. Nothing is more annoying than the person that lost 40 pounds who sits on Facebook posting before and after pictures telling everyone that they need to GET OFF THEIR LAZY ASS AND DO IT!!!

 

 

Well… I say FUCK YOU!!! Here is the thing. Before you decided to start losing weight, you didn’t lose weight. And then you did. Maybe other people aren’t there yet. Maybe they haven’t reached that point where they want to do it. Everyone has a different road. And just because your road led you to lose 40 pounds does not mean every single person has the same road. Not to mention you have no idea why a person has weight on them. Medications… sickness… or because they fucking love food! Which is not bad! It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! So lose weight if you want to. Do it for yourself. But if you are posting over and over on Facebook telling people they need to get on it and quit being lazy, thinking you are being inspirational… NOPE!!! You are being a pretentious asshole. 

 

 

Side Note – I am not talking about being proud of yourself. That is a completely different thing. There is a huge difference between being proud of yourself and being a pretentious asshole!! Although, I am not a fan of before and after pictures. You were beautiful before, and you are beautiful after!

 

 

Another super annoying thing about Facebook… the kardashians. When is this going to stop!! WHEN?? Why?? HOW?? I read somewhere that you can put a filter in your news feed that will keep anything kardashian from popping up and all I have to say about that is LIES!!! Every day my trending feed has something about a kardashian! EVERY SINGLE DAY! It goes something like this:

 

Trending Feed:

 

-Kim wore a shirt today! Twitter goes crazy

 

-Kendell put pink lipstick on! Instagram breaks in half

 

-Kanya and Kim name their kid Fart face! The Internet blows up!

 

 

WHY??.. WHY WHY WHY???

 

 

I don’t understand. I actually think the Kardashians might be like those Twilight vampire people or something. They are just always there! ALWAYS!! 1852, the kardashians were there… 1901, kardashians were there… 1930’s, kardashians were there… 3000’s, kardashians will be there… 

 

 

I’m guessing the only way to get rid of the Kardashians would probably be some kind of ancient silver plated pair of scissors. I am certain there is a special lace thong underwear that has been passed down from generation to generation. You will have to go on a harrowing deathly journey to find the mystical garment, climbing through piles and piles of clothes and make-up and shoes… SO MANY SHOES, only to find a safe. It won’t be easy… but once you figure out how to get into the safe you will find the magical, mystical underwear inside.  You must then cut the thong with the ancient silver plated scissors into tiny little pieces, burn the pieces…. and then bury the ashes deep in the heart of the Bermuda triangle and then maybe… just maybe they will go away! Not likely though…

WHO WORE IT BETTER

Buster or Kim??..

~

 

 

Okay… there is so much more that I want to discuss, but I will have to do a part 2 because this is getting ridiculously long!

 

 

In part 2 we can talk about how in the hell is a racist, sexist, bigot one of the Presidential candidates for this amazing country that has a root system based on FREEDOM! And how rapists that wear funky sweaters get away with rape! I would also like to discuss how actually funny it is that every time someone goes to the theater to watch Star Wars, they have to post a picture of themselves sitting in the theater. My Facebook feed is filled with thousands of pictures of folks sitting in theaters with “hashtag Watching Star Wars!!!” Do they feel like nobody will believe them unless they take a picture? I actually think it is very endearing. I am a fan of Star Wars. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but you know I will most definitely take a picture while I am sitting in the theater and post it to Facebook… saying “Hashtag STAR WARS BITCHES!!!”…

~

I’m Angry… Really Angry!

Here it is, a few days after Christmas and almost a brand New Year to start things fresh, and all I feel is anger! Coursing through every vain in my body. And no matter how many times I try to deny it, or not feel it… I can’t seem to make it go away. 

 

 

It makes me feel bad. I know we are suppose to be happy, joyous and always choose to feel love. But sometimes things happen in our lives. Things that makes us feel angry. Things that make us sad. Those feelings are just as real as feeling happiness and joy. They are just as real and all consuming. The problem is that when you have anger and rage inside of you, you also feel like it’s wrong. You are not suppose to have those feelings because those are the wrong feelings. They are the feelings of the “bad” people. Good people are always happy and feel love for all things. And because you feel wrong, you spend so much time trying to figure out how to get out of that feeling and change it to happiness so that you aren’t “wrong.” 

 

 

Well… I have decided to call BULLSHIT on this! Right now at this time in my life.. I am ANGRY!!! I am really really angry. 

 

 

I have tried to meditate, but every time I sit down I feel the anger rising up into my throat like bile. I have tried to watch happy, thought provoking videos and two minutes into the video I am wanting to throw the screen out my front window. I have read article after article about how to be happy inside. I have tried to change this feeling in so many ways, twist it around to see it differently, change the story in my mind and NONE of it is working. 

 

 

So I have decided to do something different this time. I have decided to feel angry. Just feel every bit of what I need to feel. Take it in… write it out… feel it!!! Because this is how I feel right now. Being angry is not wrong. It just is! It’s part of being human and living life. Maybe the reason I can’t get past it, is because I keep feeling guilty and wrong about it. 

 

 

I don’t want to do that anymore. I choose to feel this because it is the truth of where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe not. But right now… this is my truth.

 

 

I am angry because every time I sit down to write, a feeling of fear comes over me and so I get up and distract myself with other things instead of writing.

 

 

I am angry because I am avoiding myself.

 

 

I am angry because I’m afraid.

 

 

I am angry because when I started writing, I knew I had found a big part of myself that was lost… and now I feel lost again.

 

 

I am angry because trying to keep a blog going on the Internet is no different than dealing with high school mean girls and cliques. We are all basically saying the same thing… it’s who is popular that gets the votes! (true story!)

 

 

I am angry because the top trending story right now is how many Christmas presents that Kanye bought Kim… REALLY???!!!! Is this really the world we live in right now??

 

 

I am angry because people are fake and fickle! (including me).. obvs

 

 

I am angry because the day after Christmas my bathtubs and sinks were full of poo water due to the fact that my septic tank backed up and it cost $400.00 to fix it…. ON THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!! bleh…

 

 

I am angry that I buy into the fact that I’m not good enough just as I am. That even though my amazing Husband tells me I’m gorgeous every single day… I can’t believe him. I still feel like I need to lose weight, or go on a diet. 

 

 

I am angry that people do not have enough courtesy or respect when they are sick to STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO GET SICK!!! 

 

 

I am angry because every time I eat a Reese’s, I feel like I did something bad! WHY should I have to feel like I am a bad person for eating something?  Can we just stop making people feel bad for what they eat??

 

 

I am angry because I spent a lot of money for Christmas on people that are not appreciative and could care less!! ( and I am not talking about my kids… I’m talking about grown ass adults that should know better.) 

 

 

I am angry because they are selfish.

 

 

I am angry because people don’t see things the way I see them! Why not?? Why can’t they understand my way is the right way!! (I’m totally kidding you guys!!)… I’m not kidding though…

 

 

I am angry when I have to be around grown ass adults that have NO manners!

 

 

I am angry for being angry that people are not reacting the way I think they should. I know better than this. Expecting people to react the way I think they should is not only stupid but completely pointless. 

 

 

I am angry because all the reasons that I am angry are MEANINGLESS. Truly meaningless. I am angry because I am angry and I don’t want to be.

 

 

But maybe being angry is how I realize and appreciate when I am not angry. Maybe this anger is what helps me to put into perspective the things that bring me such true happiness and joy.

 

 

For Instance:

 

 

Watching my kids open up their Christmas presents on Christmas morning and seeing their faces light up because they got something that they have wanted for a very long time.

 

 

Giving my Husband a handmade card that I drew myself (let me clarify… I SUCK at drawing! Like REALLY REALLY SUCK)… but I did it anyway because it was something that I really wanted to make for him. And it actually looks half way decent. It also made him tear up and I could see how happy it made him… which was everything to me!

(I’m not even kidding you guys.. I totally made this myself! Just call me fucking Leonardo da Vinci and shit!!)

 

 

Having a person in your life that truly and deeply sees you. I don’t mean in that surface fake way either. Loving someone is wonderful… but understanding them is profound!

 

 

So… I am trying to say that it’s okay to be angry sometimes!! If you are feeling angry, maybe don’t try so hard to change it… just feel it. Feel it and then move on. Get a better feeling. Maybe the only way to the better feeling is through the anger.  So strap on a helmet and jump in! Swim around in it until your fingers get all pruney…

 

 

 

Geronimooooooo!

 

 

 

 

Don’t be a Dick!.. It’s Christmas…

Dick walks into the Piggly Wiggly to buy some milk. As Dick is reaching in to get a gallon of milk he notices a big sign that says butter is on a super sale for the Holidays! He walks over to the butter container and reads the big sign. 

 

 

Get your butter today!! Nobody likes a DRY TURKEY for the Holidays!! Happy Holidays from us to you!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

Dick was so upset over the Happy Holidays display, that he decided he needed to calm down. He can not understand why so many people in this world keep saying Happy Holidays! Say Merry Christmas, goddammit. It upsets him very much!! So he heads over to his favorite coffee shop to get a skinny mocha latte half whip with a dash… just a dash of pumpkin spice flavor in hopes to calm down from that horrible Happy Holidays display. He orders his coffee, and as they hand it to him… he realizes that they have replaced his usual festive cup with an offensive red color!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

He was so upset that he actually threw the coffee away. How can he drink coffee out of a red cup with no Santa or snowflakes? It’s barbaric!! 

So far this day has been really rough on Dick. Every where he goes, he has to see things that offend him. This world is falling apart right in front of Dick’s eyes… and he just cant take it anymore. 

 

 

But even though the world is falling apart… Dick needs to eat because he skipped breakfast and now he is starving. He heads to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy with a side of CRISPY hash browns and three strips of bacon. The hash browns better be crispy though. The last time Dick went to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy, crispy hash browns and three strips of bacon… they had gotten a new cook in the back and when they brought his order out to him, the hash browns were not at all crispy. They were only kind of crispy. It really upset Dick. His entire day was ruined over that! Dick really hopes they get it right this time. 

 

 

As Dick gets seated in his usual spot at the restaurant, the hostess tells him that his waitress will be right with him. She tells him it has been a very busy day so please be patient and they will get to him as soon as possible. Dick DOES NOT like the sound of that. He is starving and has already had to deal with so much today… he is not sure he can handle a waitress that is not attentive and ON TIME! As Dick waits for his server to show up, he notices a table next to him has a baby and toddler. This makes Dick a little nervous. He has never been a fan of babies… or toddlers. Or kids at all really. Dick does not want to have to deal with kids while he is enjoying his meal!! 

 

 

Finally the server shows up and as Dick looks up at her, he realizes that he can not tell if the server is actually a “her.” He can not tell if the server is a man or a woman. The server has on pants and a very short haircut which Dick believes would make this person a man, but the server also has on eyeliner… which would make this person a woman! Dick becomes frustrated at not being able to tell what the gender of his server is!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

He is extremely offended at not being able to identify the gender of his server. He is not even sure he can eat his eggs anymore. Dick needs to know if his server has a Penis or a Vagina. It is HIS RIGHT to know!! He is very upset… but decides to order his meal anyway because he doesn’t think he can handle another upsetting thing happening today. He orders his meal and waits patiently for it to arrive. As he is waiting, he starts to hear the table with the baby and toddler getting louder. THIS is exactly why Dick does not like having kids in restaurants where he eats. It is UNFAIR for him to have to listen to the sounds of children while he is trying to eat. The children become louder and louder and the toddler breaks out in a full tantrum. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

How dare these people take their kids out to a public restaurant! It is RUDE! He is trying to eat! Dick decides he has had enough and he is LEAVING!!! AND he is not going to give that server a tip. It is his right to know if that server has a Penis or Vagina, and since he can’t tell… then he is not leaving a tip! That will teach that server to walk around looking like that!

 

 

 

As Dick is leaving the restaurant, he looks at the table with the kids and gives them a really dirty look. He can not believe these awful people. There is also a very big group of about 10 people seated in the middle of the restaurant and they are making a lot of noise… but at least they don’t have kids at the table!

 

 

 

Dick has had a very bad day. Many things have offended Dick. He is not even sure he will ever have a good day again because the world is changing and Dick does not like it. He wants things to be exactly the same way they were when he was five yrs. old. 

 

 

 

When Dick was five yrs. old, all he did was play in his front yard with his neighbor friends and go to church on Sunday. His life was very simple. And he wants it that way NOW!!! Dick doesn’t understand why all the other people that are also on this Earth DO NOT do things the way he wants them to be.

 

 

 

Dick is so upset that he decides to go visit his very best friend Jane. Dick and Jane have been best friends since they were children. He loves Jane. She always seems to understand him.

 

 

 

Jane invites Dick in, and Dick begins to tell her all about his troubles. All of the offensive things that the world keeps doing to him!

 

 

 

Jane sits Dick down and explains to him how he is not the only person on this rotating planet. She explains to him that even though the world may have seemed different when he was five yrs. old… it really wasn’t. He was only five so his experiences were very limited. The world has always been this way.  And ALL people are having a different experience. She also explained to Dick that getting offended by such silly things is really only hurting himself. Because people will always do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jane continues on by telling Dick that he is really just being a Dick… and needs to chill out… and that if he stopped noticing so much what other people were doing and instead focused on what he was doing… his day would probably go much better. And he wouldn’t be so concerned about what anyone else chooses to do with their life.

 

 

 

Dick thinks about all that Jane has said. Maybe Jane is right!! Maybe Dick and Jane should just chill!!! Order some pizza, turn on Netflix… and CHILL!!!

 

 

 

Dick thinks that’s a good idea! And now Dick is no longer such a dick…

 

Are YOU afraid??

It’s that time of year again. The time when all the leaves change to glorious colors and fall off the trees, and pumpkins and corn husks adorn people’s homes to celebrate Autumn festivities. Autumn is one of my favorite times of year. One of the things I look forward to most is Halloween fun. My kids love to dress up as scary monsters, and decorate the house as creepy as possible. I have always loved Halloween. When we were kids, my parents would give us huge pillow cases and we would walk around the entire neighborhood collecting candy. We were tough back then. None of this… “Only on our street” nonsense. We would go trick or treating for hours! Pretty much hitting every single house within a ten-mile radius, and going back for seconds to any house that gave out full size candy bars!! Trick or treating was serious business back then. My friends and I would map out a plan of the neighborhood days in advance. We would always make sure we had an extra pillow case on hand for overflow. And anyone that started whining about being tired and wanting to go home would have to give everyone else in the group half their candy for being such a lightweight!

 

 

 

I have always loved Halloween! I remember my parents decorating our front lawn with fake tombstones and making our yard look like a cemetery!! Ah good times…

 

 

I am also a huge fan of scary movies. I love all the Scream movies, and watch Halloween every single year. I watch all the zombie shows because… Obviously zombies are super cool. And I even recently watched a new show called Scream Queens with the amazing Jamie Lee Curtis and I LOVED IT!!! It reminds me of the ridiculous slasher films of the 80’s. 

 

 

I will never forget the first time I saw Nightmare On Elm Street at the drive ins. I couldn’t sleep right for six months after watching that. I kept imagining Freddie Krueger entering my dreams and throwing me in a boiler!! 

 

 

I started to think about how so many times random things that we are afraid of are actually not scary at all.

 

 

Things like:

 

 

Baby Dolls – Everyone is afraid of baby dolls. But actually they are just plastic images of babies. And everyone loves babies right? Cute chubby babies cooing and coddling. 

 

 

 

AND THEN THERE IS THIS!!!! Okay never mind… babies are scary…

 

 

 

Bird Cages – I don’t know how, but bird cages have always had kind of a scary essence to them. They really are nothing more than a place to put your pet bird though. I mean look at this…

 

 

 

AND YET!!!! Imagine it… walking by a birdcage while a bird sits chirping away, and then it stops chirping. SO you turn around and the swing is swinging by itself with no bird! Pretty scary right?? If you want to make it even scarier just put the baby doll in the bird-cage… You might as well be in a Horror film at that point!

 

 

 

Houses – I don’t know what it is about houses, but any house that happens to have distressed paint, or was built anytime in the 1800’s is obviously FULL of ghosts. Everybody knows that ghosts like to hang out in those creepy non-painted houses. I have often wondered though, if I was a ghost I would much rather hang out in a nice newly built house that has awesome decorating and cozy fireplaces. Why would a ghost want to look at scary dingy walls for eternity? And why do ghosts never haunt boats or cars? I mean… think about it, if you were a ghost, wouldn’t you use those skills to float around and do all the things you couldn’t do before? Hop on planes and go anywhere in the world. Or go see a concert that you could never afford. Or swim with sharks even. Safety doesn’t really matter since you’re already dead. You now have a permanent Harry Potter invisibility cloak, you can do ANYTHING!!! Head over to Susie’s house and listen to all the crap she was talking about behind your back! You’re a ghost…

I mean really??… This place?? Why??

 

 

 

Whistling –  A person whistling, especially when you two are the only people in the area, is terrifying for whatever reason. Most likely, they just have a catchy pop song stuck in their head that keeps playing on the radio, but to you… it’s a murderer. This usually leads to a jump scare as they pass you on the sidewalk, because you were expecting to defend yourself… Just add that to the list of embarrassing moments in life…

 

 

 

Raw Meat – I know this one seems strange but hear me out! RAW MEAT scares the bejeezus out of me! I am not a fan of raw meat. If you don’t cook it properly you can get diarrhea of epic proportions and the pukes and all the nasty germie nastiness. My Grandmother used to tell me stories of how she would visit Germany back in the early 40’s and they had raw hamburger stands. You could order hamburgers that were completely RAW! My Grandmother loved them and ate them often… until she got worms! She got worms so bad from eating raw burgers that she became really sick. She also contracted a tape worm and the only way to get it out was she had to starve for 4 days and then sit in a vat of buttermilk so that the tape worm would come out. Just think about that for a minute… let it sink in!! You are now scarred for life. So yes… I have always been afraid of raw meat! Thanks Grandma… Blink, Blink, Blink…

I don’t know… Maybe the shoes aren’t that bad…

 

 

 

 

 

Flickering Lights – Usually flickering lights means that the bulb needs to be changed, yet if you are walking to your car in a parking lot, and one of the street lamps flicker in the distance, it’s always in the back of our mind that underneath that light, there is a ghost… or vampire, not the sparkly ones either… Though, I don’t think I’d be fond of running into Edward Cullen either… I was always Team Jacob.

AHHHHHH…….

 

 

 

Skeletons – Technically it’s just our bones inside if our body. If you see a skeleton in a science room, you don’t think anything of it. Take that same skeleton and shove half of it in the dirt and half of it coming out of the dirt, and it’s a nightmare waiting to happen!! I’m just saying… it’s all in how you look at it. Though if you find a human skeleton in your lover’s closet, maybe you should be at least a little scared… And you may want to break up with that person… And go to the police…

 

 

 

Alleyways at Night – Actually, just don’t go near those… Just to be safe…Seriously, it’s never a good idea… 

See!! Bad idea…

 

 

 

Hockey Masks – Technically they were designed to save a guys face in the middle of a hockey game… but put one on a serial killer and give him a machete and BOOM… instant murderer!  You know, maybe he is just misunderstood, and just wants to play… *cough* with your intestines *cough*… Too far?

~

~

 

 

And can we all just agree that Donald Trumps hair truly is the scariest of them all?! I can’t believe no one has created a Facebook page for Donald Trumps hair yet. I can see his hair having its own cult following. The thing is, nothing against Donald Trump… but every so often, if you look at his hair long enough… you can see the souls of men swirling around in a vortex right on top of his head… 

 

 

Picture This:

 

 

Tonight on the News at 10… “Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose… I repeat Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose, Please stay indoors, and hold your loved ones tight. Make sure all your windows and doors are locked up tight! Whatever you do, if you happen to come face to face with THE HAIR… DO NOT make any sudden movements and NEVER look at the hair directly, for it may steal your soul. Your best bet for survival is to drop on the ground… roll around as if you are in agony, cough three times… and then yell “YOU’RE FIRED!!!” If that doesn’t work, just give it all your money… That seems to be what it truly wants. If you  have no money, chances are you are a goner.”

 

 

 

And last but not least… the thing that is not really scary at all but we always seem to make them look scary is clowns.

 

Clowns – Silly, funny clowns!! Actually… fuck that… CLOWNS ARE EVIL!!! Straight from Satan!!! Clowns are gross you guys… Super gross!!! Sad clowns, happy clowns, it’s all the same… Screw off clowns!!! And don’t even get me started on clown’s creepy cousin the mime…

~

~

We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 

 

 

We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 

 

 

A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…

 

 

Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!

 

 

 

So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!

 

 

 

– For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!

 

 

– I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!

My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  

Welcome to my bed!

~

 

 

– Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!

And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…

 

 

– When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 

 

 

– When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 

 

 

– If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)

 

 

– Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!

 

 

On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 

 

 

If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!

 

 

I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??

 

 

I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….

 

 

There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!

Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…

~

~

 

 

 

 

Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?

 

 

 

Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!

 

 

 

1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.

 

 

2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!

 

 

 

3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)

 

 

4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.

 

 

5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.

 

 

6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.

 

 

7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.

 

 

8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!! 

 

 

9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.

 

 

10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans. 

 

 

11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!

 

 

12) Always remember  Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!

 

 

13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.

 

 

14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.

 

 

15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?

 

 

16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person. 

 

 

17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.

 

 

18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!

 

 

19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!

 

 

20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!

 

 

 

So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!

 

 

 

**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.

 

 

You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!

 

 

7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!

~

~

~

~

~

~

 

5 of the most ANNOYING Facebook comments ever… Just Saying…

I have a love affair with Facebook! It’s more of a love/hate type of thing really. I love that Social Media has created a place where we can connect with people, and share with each other all of the things that are important to us, and things that we love. There is also a downside to all of it.

 

 

I have written many articles about the good and bad of social media, and there is so much good that comes from being able to interact on a social platform like Facebook…. examples are being able to communicate and talk with people who are located on the other side of the planet that we are on. In the 80’s, the only way to even try to talk to someone who lived in Saskatchewan would be to dial a big huge number that would show up on your phone bill, and someone would always end up being pissed at you for dialing out of the country!!

 

 

 

The Internet has created this place where people from all over this globe can communicate and share with each other. It’s a great thing!!

 

 

 

We all know about the downside though. THE TROLLS!!! The mean ass people who don’t give a crap about what they spew out into the Universe and who it will be affecting. They don’t care! I truly believe trolls just need a hug…. around the neck… with my hands…

 

 

 

I have been joining into social media for over 8 years now. I started out on MySpace. I would post music as my background and post pics of all kinds to represent exactly who I am! I had to try to keep up with maintaining my “cool” rep!! That’s not at all true… I totally just lied about being cool. I am not nor have I ever been cool.

 

 

Then Facebook happened! In all the years I have been partaking in social media, no matter what you post… there is always that one person…. That one ANNOYING comment!!! You think you have the most witty, hilarious status post ever, and you are so excited to post it and see how many likes you get. You even made sure to use spell check… and you go ahead and post it! You get some likes…. you start to get a comment or two, and then it happens. That ONE asshole that thinks they are so damn cool and comes along and ruins your status post!!!! You know who you are!!!

 

 

 

 

I have compiled five of the most annoying comments people use on Facebook statuses! Here ya go…

 

 

 

 

1) When people end their comment with “Just Saying!”… Listen, I have used “just saying” before… but when you post a Facebook status that is clearly a joke in hopes to make other people smile… something like “Oh… I ate a bug today, I’m probably going to die a thousand deaths!” This is obviously a joke and not meant to be taken seriously. But then you have that one asshole that comes along and leaves this comment. 

 

 

Asshole – “Um… you do know eating a bug won’t kill you right? Just saying.” OR “Eating bugs isn’t that bad. People do it all the time in other countries. Just saying.” OR “Um… you do know that we are all dying right???? JUST SAYING!”

 

 

Me – “Oh thanks for telling me!! all this time I was sure I was going to live forever…. what would I do without your comment letting me know the truth… the real truth about life! I was sure I was going to be just like that Vampire family, you know, the Cullen’s, but now that you have finally come along and told me the real truth about life, Now I can continue on knowing that YOU….a random asshole Facebook commenter has told me truth while everyone else has lied to me all this time!! I owe you my life friend!!!”. Just saying…. 

 

 

 

 

 

2) When people leave a comment that says “Pic or it didn’t happen!” Okay, first of all, how many people are sitting there ready with their camera all the time. That is NOT real life! Most of the time, I miss the good shit on camera because I don’t usually sit around with my camera ready at all times. When you leave this comment on someones post…. you are basically calling them a liar! You are telling them that even though they took the time to share an event that happened in their life,  you choose to not believe what they are saying unless they can produce proof in the form of a picture. Are you a fucking lawyer or something?! So what if I post that Heath Ledger came back from the dead and became besties with me? Is that so hard to believe?? Your “pics or didn’t happen” is not witty…or cute!! So stop!!

 

 

 

3) People that go around and correct grammar. We all know about the grammar Nazis!  I’m not going to lie, I have used the correction of spelling on asshole troll comments before. But that’s mostly just to piss them off for leaving an asshole comment to begin with. I would never go along and destroy someones Facebook status with a rude comment like this:

 

 

 

Random Facebook status – “Went to the beach with the family today! We had the best time playing in the sand with bukets and shovls. It was awesome!!”

 

 

 

Grammar Nazi – “That’s awesome that you had a great day with your family… but you spelled “buckets” and “shovels” wrong!! Just saying”….

 

 

OR

 

 

Grammar Nazi- “What are bukets and shovls?! LOL!”

 

 

 

Please know that if you do this…. you are a Grade A asshole!! The kind that no one likes at all!! You just made someone feel bad after they were sharing a wonderful memory about their day,  and you ruined it with that one comment!!

 

 

 

4) Another top of the line annoying comment comes in the masqueraded form of “being helpful”… but is actually more bragodocious than anything. For example someone posts a  Facebook status about how their six-year-old keeps missing the toilet and peeing on the floor. A jerk face  always comes along with this comment…

 

 

 

Asshole comment – “Why don’t you make him clean it up himself!! I made my kid clean it up himself and IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!! He learned real quick!!”

 

 

 

A few points here…. I completely and totally doubt that IT NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!!! Mostly because a kid peeing on the floor is not always on purpose. Accidents happen! I have peed on the floor before because I tried to hold it for too long and at the last second decided to bolt to the toilet and my bladder is like “Fuck you”…. while piss is running down my legs and I finally make it to the toilet covered in piss!! Who am I to judge about not always making the toilet.

 

 

The thing is…. unless someone asks for your parenting advice at the end of their Facebook status, don’t assume they want it!! It’s rude!! We all parent differently, and when you leave a comment like that, you are NOT being helpful! You are being an asshole. I have been a parent for 24 years! There is nothing anyone can tell me that I have not already experienced on my own. If I post a comment about my kid pissing on the floor…. It’s because I want to share with other moms that they are not alone! I’m looking for solidarity as moms. A comment about how you hard assed your kids into never doing it again is nothing more than you saying “I’m a better mom. Maybe you should be a hard ass like me and you will never have pee on the floor again!”

 

 

Have you ever walked into a public restroom before?? These are adults using these restrooms and there is piss everywhere!!! And shit for that matter…. Just because people grow up physically does not mean they never piss on the floor!!!

 

 

 

5) And lastly… anytime you are going to begin a comment with “I am SO SICK OF”… just stop yourself, okay! It is never going to be a nice comment. I have seen this comment on so many Facebook posts. It always goes something like this.

 

 

 

Facebook status – “I have decided to love my body at exactly the weight it is right now!!”

 

 

 

Commenter – “I AM SO SICK of this body love crap!! It is unhealthy!!!! You need to be healthy, and thin like me!!!!”

 

 

 

another example…

 

 

 

Facebook status – “I just wrote a blog post about annoying comments on Facebook statuses… you should check it out!”

 

 

 

Commenter – “I AM SO SICK of people telling me what to comment. I can say whatever I want to say…. it’s MY Facebook and you can’t tell me what to say on MY Facebook!!”

 

 

 

Well…. yes, it is your Facebook! But if you are going to go around leaving asshole comments on people’s Facebook statuses,  then eventually someone is going to write a blog post about it! And then that person will probably ask you to like it and share it… **Blink, Blink, Blink…

 

 

 

Just to be clear… I don’t care at all about what people choose to post on their Facebook statuses, but I do care when people leave asshole comments on my posts or other folks posts. Didn’t your mother ever tell you if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?……….. Asshole!