A BIG Thank You to a Clown!~

That’s what this is. A thank you to a clown! Let me explain. I have been blogging for months now, and when I finally got my ass moving, and opened up my blog and started writing, of course I noticed the clown. The clown that is all over wordpress with his red nose and white face, and that look. You know the one I am talking about….THE LOOK, that only A Clown on Fire can give you. He visited my writing, commented on some things, left his “like” mark, and was gone in a flash. Well of course my curiosity had been peeked and I needed to know more about this clown. Why does he look at me like that…with those clown eyes, and that clown stare that I can’t seem to look away from. It’s almost mesmerizing…in a balloon animal sort of way. Of course it did not take long for me to be hooked. I became a faithful Carnie instantly. How could I not? His writing is beyond words…his presence is one that commands your attention and it’s hard to look away. I’m serious…..try and look away.  Just try…you can’t!! It’s like if you were to have lunch with Darth Vader, and you met up at a cafe and there you are sitting across from fucking Darth Vader. Look away….just try! I purposely likened Le Clown to Darth Vader. Do you not see the similarities here? You are drawn to this clown of magnificence in the most pulling kind of way, almost like the force is behind this thing, and yet you know that if you look away he could be gone in a flash and you may not see him again. Le Clown quickly became a mentor in the blogoshpere for me. I have followed him around like a puppy dog ( not in a stalkery kind of way)…a little stalkery!~ He has captivated me with the blogs that he oversees, the words that he writes, and the unbelievable way he helps bloggers. New bloggers, old bloggers, serious bloggers, even the crazy bloggers. You will find Le Clown somewhere commenting, or sharing their name, or giving them a shout out or a chance to be heard. He has done amazing things for the blogging community.

So Here I was…going along with my usual checking out blogs, and commenting, and doing my bloggy thing, and Le Clown appears and says to me…” you should write something for Black Box Warnings.” WHAAAAAA???? UHHHH????? can you repeat that…..on tape please….recorded tape…just in case you regret that comment later! Let me give you a run down of the feelings I had at that moment. Excited, delighted, ecstatic, freaked the fuck out, unsure, beaming, disbelief..( because why me?) and utter happiness. Le Clown actually likes my writing. I mean…maybe he doesn’t really “like” it…but he thought I had the ability to write for one of his blogs, and that is a big deal! So next came the insecurities. How the fuck am I going to write for Black Box Warnings. I write about making shitty food, and cleaning toilets- (not at the same time). So I sat down at my computer….and I sat there. Then I sat there some more. Then I pulled up you tube and watched Jenna Marbles, and Benedict Cumberbatch interviews for like an hour. Listen….if I am going to be real…I’m going ALL IN!!! Then I started to write. It was almost as if I was suppose to write this. I have always been the person that believes every encounter I have with someone or experience is happening exactly to take me to the next step of this journey. Even more so now….when I meet someone, or something is put in my life…I try and step back and see exactly where this is taking me. I believe everything has a purpose. I know I was suppose to write this because it all just flowed entirely too easy. But revisiting that old shit was not exactly heart warming. It brought up a lot of stuff. Buried stuff! Things I choose to leave far in the past because if I sat and re-lived this shit over and over I would be a basket case. Not that I do not reside in a basket most of the time anyway. So in reality….this clown opened up more for me than he may ever, ever know. A healing that was suppose to be. That I have been fighting for many years. A clown comes into my life, and my life changes!! I guess that is the way it is with clowns. A major amount of healing to my soul has happened, and this was just another step in that journey. The day I posted that letter…I had the craziest emotions all day. I kept going back and forth through..” I shouldn’t have said that”, to ” I am free.” I am FREE, and I know that!! So this is my BIG thank you to a clown that selflessly has created avenues for bloggers to open up themselves to new things. To be heard!! To speak their words, and become FREE. I can tell you that the day Le Clown said “fuck you” to me, was the day I knew I would be a Carnie FOREVER! I will never forget our meeting for coffee. He was very polite, and always a gentleclown. He has always told me my writing is fierce. I may be fierce ( and I am)..but aren’t ALL Vagina’s fierce?! I held the door open for sir clown, because although I am fierce..I am not barbaric. That was a fun day. I have much gratitude for this clown. Le Clown, you did not just let me write a story…you helped heal a soul! So THANK YOU my FRIEND! You inspire me with your words, and I will always faithfully follow Le Clown. but you need to carry around a light saber more. I think it would make you more daunting. A clown with a fucking light saber…I mean come on!!! …and maybe ride around in a Tardis..

clown

http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/

http://blackboxwarnings.wordpress.com/

http://theoutliercollective.wordpress.com/about/

Recipes for the Seriously Shitty cook!

Let me start this by saying I suck at things. Not everything….but when it comes to making people food…I really, really suck! Like, immensely suck. I am not good at the whole…making dinner and sitting at the table to have a wonderful sit down, “thing.” I have read blogs, and articles upon articles of  how to become more organized and have structure. I lack structure at an extreme level. I am the first to admit that I have this issue. I go through periods of trying to be more structured and have meal times and bed times and all of that crap…I am just not good at it. Listen, we all have our things, right? Well, maybe not…it could just be me. When my kids are hungry, I feed them. When they are tired , they lay down. I’m just not good at designated times for things. I do not let my kids eat ice cream for breakfast….although I wrote a whole post about my sucky breakfast making skills and you can read that HERE: I am not so sure that eating ice cream for breakfast is really any different than having chocolate milk for breakfast. I used to read Martha Stewart blogs and try so hard to achieve that bullshit. It’s just not who I am. I am really good at hugging and snuggling my kids. Tickling my kids and reading to them. I just am not good at having schedules for every damn thing they do. I also am not good at dusting. Which is why I refuse to have nick knacks floating around my house…because I friggin hate dusting and I am not going to spend my life dusting some shelf full of unicorns and butterflies. My decor is more reminiscent of a day care center sadly. The only pictures on my walls are usually put up with tape, and remain at the mid level of the entire house. It works for me because another thing I really suck at is hanging pictures. I have all the intentions in the world to do it…but it just never happens. So I was thinking about how you can find a shit load of recipes on line and in books for mom’s that don’t have time, or that aren’t that great in the kitchen. But can you find recipes that are realistic. I mean…for the really shitty cook. Like I am talking….Super shitty cook here!!! That is me! I’ve never actually read an entire recipe all the way through. I usually get bored about half way through it and when it starts having things like all spice and turmeric, then I lose interest. So I have a compilation of some ideas here for the really, super shitty cook:

First of all let’s talk about staples. They are a must for the super crappy cook. There are certain things you must always have on hand. Always have the Gigantor Costco container of Pop tarts. There is no way you can get through a week without this staple. There are those days when the kids are like…” I’m hungry”…and you just got out of bed, walk to the kitchen to realize that some schmo forgot to pick up coffee at the store even though you called them and texted them 5 times that they needed to pick up coffee but did they remember?….NO! Well, the only option you have at this point just to make it through the morning is to pull out the gigantor box of pop tarts. They may not get them toasted though. Come on, don’t judge me….we are talking NO coffee here!

gigantor2

Another staple to always have on hand is Hot Pockets…also known as Diarrhea Pockets. Listen…I am NOT an advocate of these nasty things…but sometimes…it just has to be. Just make sure you are near a toilet when you ingest this product. Trust me…

toilet-sign

Okay here is a few go to recipes that I use because I can NOT cook to save my life. In other words….if I ever get lost out in the woods…I am bear food!!

So we have Cereal and Milk: You really want 60% cereal to 40% milk because if you do the 50% cereal and 50% milk…you will surely end up with too much milk at the end and then you have the choice of having to get up to go and get more cereal (unless you thought ahead and brought the box with you)…or you drink the milk straight out of the bowl. It’s just easier to get it right the first time and do the 60/40. It works out to be 100% goodness in the end.

cereal

Again another staple that is really good to have around is the gigantor costco box of oatmeal. It has lots of different flavors to choose from. Kids are hungry….you actually have some coffee so your day is going pretty good, you figure you could get out the apron this morning and go for the Big Box of oatmeal. You add some water…pop that shit in the micro, and set it for 2 minutes. When it beeps….you have yourself a full fledged meal! The best part about it is..why just have apples and cinnamon when you can add in some maple brown sugar to the mix and have a party in your tummy!

oatmeal

There is always the traditional Peanut butter and Jelly, but on occasion, I like to get a little crazy with it and put in some bananas. Now you added some fruit and that shit just got bumped up to healthy! woop.

peanut_butter_and_jelly_sandwich

I always have graham crackers laying around somewhere, and for some reason marshmallows always end up in my cupboard too. You better believe on any occasion you could find chocolate in my house. You might find it stashed in some strange places…but you will always find it. Maybe hiding on the bottom of my junk drawer, or in the back of my sock drawer, ..or possibly between my mattress, or even under my bed to name a few. We also have that stash in the medicine cabinet, oh and that corner right under the stairs that no one ever notices, plus…um….the husbands underwear drawer. Listen…before you judge me, NO ONE is going in his underwear drawer so that is where the condoms hang out, and my extra stash of chocolate! Anyway… I am sure you all can figure out that these ingredients come together to form Heaven on Earth!!! That’s right….Smores bitches!! You got some smores with this! Seriously….just eat this how ever you want because it doesn’t even matter. Some people feel like you have to heat up the marshmallow and put it all in a neat little sandwich. I am more of a just eat it right out of the bag kind of girl.

smores

Another staple I usually keep around is cheese. This is basically because the dude I am married to will eat cheese IN and/ or ON anything. No exaggeration with this. The husband will take a hunk of cheese, slap a piece of bread around it…and eat it. That’s it….no sauce added, no lettuce put in…Just a hunk of cheese. He will put a hunk of cheese on bread, on spaghetti, on any tortilla, on a pop tart, on a cracker, on a bowl of rice, on a bowl of anything, on…okay, you get the idea. It doesn’t matter what this dude is eating…it has a hunk of cheese sitting right on the top of it.

These next recipes are really ridiculous. More for the “Daring Foodie” types in your life. You always have those people that love the sweet and salty mixture, right? So I thought of this one all on my own. You heat up your hot dogs….and throw some chocolate sauce right over the top. Now you have your dinner AND dessert all in one, and you get your sweet and salty fix. It sounds nasty… but you never know until you try. I haven’t tried this exact mixture myself…but I would. Due to it involving chocolate. I do not enjoy hot dogs….but throw some chocolate on that bitch and I AM IN!!

hotdog

This one is actually really really good, and I learned it from my 8 yr. old. He was taking a class at his school all about nutrition which ultimately made him realize how sucky I seriously am at cooking….but anyway, he was bringing home these recipes that even I could do. This one has literally 2 ingredients and is friggin delicious. You take 1 container of vanilla yogurt, and add in one cup of peanut butter. Mix it up and go to town on that shit. Dip anything you want in it. Veggies, fruit, chicken, ham, friggin bacon even. It really is good and pretty much idiot proof.

yummy

So I hope you enjoyed the recipes, and maybe found something you can use or that will benefit you. Yeah…I realize that is ridiculous…but I hope it was fun to read anyway. At least you know that without a doubt…YOU are a much better cook than I am! I may not be able to cook, but I can do the running man like nobody has ever seen before. I own that shit!!!

the-running-man-dance

To douche or Not to douche…that is the question

10 things you might be doing that makes you a douche, and if you are doing them…you should stop right now! So you will not be a douche anymore. I realize that everyone has douchie tendencies. I have been known to be very douchie on many occasions, but I really do try and make a conscience effort to be less of a douche…if possible. It’s not always possible and I understand that. There are some situations that call for absolute douche-ness and at extreme levels. I mean, walking through Walmart, there is no way not to be a douche bag. That place sucks ass in every possible way. If you went into Walmart with full intent to be a nice person, trust me…by the time you leave, you will have transformed into a bonafide douche bag. Anywho…I get it, I really do. Sometimes you just have to be assy and douchie, and shitty, and bitchy, but there are times when I am just going along with my day, minding my own business, and BOOM…I come face to face with Mister Douche-Nougat himself, and it always turns my day into shit. So why not smile at someone instead, or just be a douche bag…whatever. Anyway…Most likely if you have done or are doing any of these things, you are being a douche! So stop it!!!!

 

1.  Your driving through the parking lot looking for a place, you see about 5 open spots and figure this is good, no one next to me and I can get in and out quickly! Literally the second you pull in, mister douche-mobile parks 2 inches from your door. Now mind you, there is 5 open spots next to you. 5 open spots!!!!! And douche-mobile chooses 2 inches from your door. Thanks douche.

 walmartspace

 

2. The kids are at grandma’s house. You are smack dab in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon,( Yes..I am a nerd) and you made homemade margaritas for the event! You realize that you have everything you need but the margarita mix. So off to the store you go. Now because you know exactly where the margarita mix is, this trip is literally going to take 3 minutes tops. You fly to the aisle you need, grab the mix, conveniently passing some ding dongs and grabbing a box because seriously, ding dongs go amazingly well with margaritas! Anyway…off to find an open cashier and there are 5 million people in every single line.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!! So you see the sign open on the 10 items or less, and you head over with your margarita mix and ding dongs, and Douchie McDoucherton cuts you off with their overflowing cart that has about 3 billion tons of shit in it. Um…excuse me….that is more than 10 items douche head!!!!!

 

 cart

 

3. I just finished cleaning my house. It is so sparkly and shiny. I just want to roll around on the nice clean floor that has NO legos on it. Breathe the clean into my lungs….and all of sudden “ding dong”…and that is not the good kind of ding dongs my friends! It is more like the ring of death. You tip toe over to the door to see who it is, and realize they are all watching you through the window that you left open.(dammit)..It is sweet wonderful friends and all 5 of their kids! But they never called. Why??? Because they NEVER DO!!!! I love them with all my heart…but fucking pick up the phone and give me a warning. Something…anything…a friggin SOS sign or a smoke signal. I could have been naked on my couch eating a tub of frosting! So here is my beautiful friends, with their 5 kids that come in screaming at the top of their lungs looking for my crew of kids and then they all meet up right in the middle of the house and destroy the fuck out of it! And I am not even getting into the toilets at this point….I love you my friend…(super douchie move though) A clean house is OFF limits to visitors that don’t call first.

 smokelogo

 

4.  I know I am going to get some people in a flurry with this one, but it just has to be said. I live in Montana. I LOVE Montana! It’s beautiful, and there is lots of nature around to admire. The thing is, deer in Montana are pretty much like rats in New York City. They are EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter what road you are driving on, you will see a deer. Here you are driving along the road, minding your own damn business, trying to get home because frankly you are sick of being in the car and you want to get home, but you can’t because all of a sudden the douche hat in front of you screeches on their brakes which causes you to screech on your brakes and every other car behind you now has to screech on their brakes because a fucking “majestic” deer was about 500 yards out in the middle of some friggin field. They are now rolling down their window and pulling out binoculars! Side note: Who drives around with binoculars at all times in your possession unless you are stalking someone?! Anyway… “Oh my gosh..it’s a deer, so we need to cause a traffic jam and make all these people see the stupid ass deer even though 3 deer just ran in front of my car and almost caused me to wreck about 3 miles back.” But yeah…I’ll sit here and wait for you to look at the mountain rat and watch it eat grass for 10 minutes!!! Put your douche hat back on….get in your car, and drive away my friend….just drive away…..

 deerheads

 

5. Okay..this one is something my husband does….a lot!! I wrote a whole post about how much this annoys me when he does it…you can read that here :  https://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/2013/04/02/my-husband-is-a-whore-just-a-whore/  When your driving along and the guy in front of you is going really, really slow and you have somewhere to be because you have this thing called a life, and you don’t want to spend it tooling along the road looking at the stupid deer, so you decide to pass the slow driver, but you can’t. Why you ask?…Because there is a douche wad from douche town driving like twinsies with the slow guy, but he is in the fast lane…also known as the “passing lane!” Really dude????….There is a reason they call that the passing lane…or fast lane….because you are suppose to go fast in it…or move the fuck out of the way so people can pass your slow ass!! But no….we got twinsies, side by side, let’s drive together crap going on. It drives me nuts when my husband does this. If he is using cruise control, nothing will get him to stop! I mean nothing! He will literally go side by side for miles to keep from stopping his cruise control. It’s an addiction..I’m sure of it. Anyway….It’s a douchie move and if you do that…you shouldn’t. Because then someone somewhere will be surely calling you a douche! 

 roadrage72_7

 

6. This one is not as huge as some of the other ones, but it still is pretty douchie when someone does it. You know when you are walking right behind someone, and you both are walking into a building and yet they go in first and let the door shut directly in your face. No acknowledgment, no caring in the world…just lets the door hit you smack dab in your face. And you only realize at the last second that they are pulling the douche move and so you don’t really have time to catch the door before it hits you. You try and grab it and almost always either get your hand smooshed, or some part of your body gets hit in this process. Let’s not even talk about how dumb you probably looked to anyone who was watching. Hey…thanks douche face….for the door slam when you damn well knew I was right behind you!! Listen…I understand when you get stuck holding a door open and 5 million people all start running through it at once and not ONE person takes it from you that sometimes, you need to pull out drastic measures and just let the damn thing go. I get it! But if it’s one guy and they know you are behind them…is it going to kill them to hold it open for what will probably take 2 seconds of time out of their very busy douchie life?

 cat-squeezing-through-door

 

7. “You look really thin today.” O.O ” So how many months pregnant are you?” O.O ” That’s how you got your haircut?” O.O  ” WOW…you look really tired .” O.O  “I can see how someone like you would think that.” O.O “You look really nice in this lighting.” O.O “You have such a pretty face.” O.O  These are those beautiful back handed compliments that I know we have all been the wonderful recipients of. By now everyone should know that if you do not know if someone is pregnant or not…DON’T ASK!! It’s just douchie! 

 backhanded-compliment

 

8. Okay…let me start this one by saying I love electronics as much as the next guy…but these people that buy the newest, fanciest electronic gadget out on the market and feel the need to shove this thing in your face for 20 minutes really needs to take a class in non doucherie. You know who you are. Last week you had the Ipod 5 thousand, but this week they just came out with the shiny new Ipod 5 million and you were the first one in line at Best Buy to get it. You set up a tent and slept there for 3 days, pissing in a bucket but you got it! Now you feel the need to show this thing off to every damn person that you come in contact with. The thing is…most people don’t care, and if they are anything like me, probably about 60% don’t even understand what you are showing them. But now we have to sit there for 20 minutes while you show off your Ipod 5 million that not only does awesome tricks, but can make you breakfast too. COOL…not! It’s a douche move… Plus you can never give me back that 20 minutes and usually your breath stinks and you happen to be a close talker! Just saying…

 Old-Cell-Phone-Douglas1

 

9. This one is a big one for me because for some reason, I seem to attract these people and they drive me NUTS!! Listen…first of all, I am a mom and I completely understand being proud of your kid. Be Proud! Be so happy about your kid’s accomplishments. You absolutely should. And you should share it too. Where it becomes an issue is when you feel the need to tell everyone else how much better YOUR kid is than everyone else’s. I promise you with every inch of my soul that NO ONE thinks someone else’s kid is better than their own kid. It’s just not going to happen. You can sit there and go on and on about how smart, and beautiful, and brilliant, and talented your kid is, and I can guarantee that 99 % of the people that you are bragging to are rolling their eyes inside of their head. No one ever thinks to themselves….Wow, I am so glad she told me how much smarter her kid is than everyone else’s because now I can have a full and complete life, and my kid is so dumb in comparison to hers. I truly believe when someone has talent, they don’t need anyone to brag on them anyway. Talent shows on it’s own. No need to sit there and try and get every person to believe that your kid is more talented than everyone else’s. It just makes people think you are a Massive douche who heads up the douche committee in douche land. Hey bragger Moms… instead of trying to make everyone actually think your kid is best, why not tell your kid they are the best! They are the ones that need to hear it….not anyone else.

 cartoon

 

10. Well…here we are! The number 10 Super Douchie, DouchMcDoucherton, Douche Mack Daddy move that anyone can pull! You meet a super cute guy, you think he is hot, and he is really nice and buys you all kinds of shit you don’t need, and he tells you how pretty you are all the time, and he basically captures your heart. So you marry him, pop out 4 kids, and one day, long after you have said “I Do”, he comes home with a piece of crap DOUCHE Dog that scrapes it’s ass ALL over your brand new carpet, and pukes on your brand new carpet, and pees on your brand new carpet, and annoys the ever loving life out of you. You know what…..that is a Mack Daddy Douche move and you should Never ever do it! Serioulsy…if you’re a guy, and you value your balls…DO NOT bring home a douchie Dog! Or any dog for that matter….on a side note… (I am not bitter)…

 vaccuum

 

So I hope I helped in the ongoing battle against Doucherie. I know we may never actually rid the world of full on Doucheness, but I think we have taken a step towards a positive change! Just by following some simple rules, we could all be living in a douche free environment. (not likely though)

My mom is a Whore too ~ Ooops, I said whore again…

My mom is a thrift shop whore! Okay…I am going to start this by saying don’t FREAK the frick out that I just wrote about my mom being a whore. I can promise you it does not bother her, so you should not let it bother you. This is how our relationship is. We call each other whores and sluts, and things of that nature. We have always bantered this way and none of it is at all serious. We are not sitting in the middle of walmart screaming at each other from across the tub of cheeseballs saying “Hey you fucking bitch…you forgot the fucking tub of cheeseballs again!! Why do you have to be a whore and always forget the cheeseballs!” Yeah…not happening. We joke with each other, flip each other off, call each other sluts…and it’s all in jest, friends. My mom and I are great friends and have fun together and always joke around. I actually like to talk about blow jobs and orgasms in front of her because, even after all these years, she still gets all flustered and says, “I don’t do those things! I don’t even know what you’re talking about!” Yeah right mom…that’s why you have 4 kids from a bunch of different dudes…which by the way, makes you slut! Aw…I did it now! 😉 She would probably shoot me some look like this

benedict

and then say….”Fucking bitch!”..  and then I would probably give her this look..
morir0


and then for certain she would look at me like this
bened

Then I would give her this look
mori

and then everything would be good. 🙂  Most people say I love you…we just call each other sluts. Anyway…. the reason for this post is that I have decided to bust my mom on her thrift shop whore ways. I love this woman so damn much, but in reality…we tend to be opposites on many things in life. I am super OCD and she is just NOT! That’s it in a nutshell. I grew up with a hippie mom that didn’t care if we ran around outside naked and slept with the dogs, and lived on a camp ground. This is probably a lot of the reason I hate camping so much. I spent most of my childhood doing it. I don’t care what anybody says, it is NOT fun shitting in the woods and not having a decent place to wash your hands. All I keep thinking at this point is …okay….the person making the burgers right now never washed their hands, and I saw them walking off with their little piece of toilet paper and heading into the woods. …And on a side note,- how are you going to know in advance how much toilet paper you will need??…Take the damn roll….don’t even try and guess that situation out.- Anyway…so there they are, making burger patties with the same hands that they used to wipe their ass, and I KNOW they did not wash. NOPE!! Not going to happen. Those burgers are not passing these lips!!! NO fucking way!! Plus…why the hell do people think it is fun sitting in the dirt on a 100 degree day swatting at flies and mosquitoes? This is not fun to me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I took one of those facebook quizzes about what kind of tent I should use when camping…and I got  the Holiday Inn! Yep…that sums it up. okay…I digress… So back to my momma… This woman was a bonafide hippie when I was growing up. Jesus sandals and everything. I was never allowed to play with barbies because she worried that it would affect my self esteem. The sad thing is even not being allowed to play with barbies…I still grew up with major self esteem problems. That is more due to the fact that I live in America. These days though….my mom is not as much of a hippie, but we definitely have different approaches to the way we do things. She is always pretty laid back and doesn’t get freaked out about things. Like public toilets don’t bother her, (she may even be one of those folks that shower in them.) 😉  and the dog drinking out of her coffee cup, she could really not give a crap about. She will share her ice cream cone with the dog and not think two thoughts about it. I, on the other hand, will not pet the dog and pick up food without washing my hands first.  Have you seen what dogs do? Do you know what dog’s eat? (like their own poop) Yeah not happening….That dog tongue is not going anywhere near my ice cream cone. I know a lot of people are advocates of having a dog to clean up the floor after the kids have made a big food mess, and my mom is one of those folks. For me though….a dog tongue licking crap off the floor just doesn’t give me that fresh feeling like a good old mop does. So, my mom is a thrift shop ADDICT! I mean super, super addict. She loves those things. I actually do not think she even shops in regular stores anymore. Oh geez, when the macklemore thrift shop came out….She was CERTAIN they made that song for her. She is the epitome of that song, and seeing her rock out to it is something everyone should be able to witness. It’s pretty freaking adorable!! Anyway….she loves those things. Needless to say…I’m not a huge fan of thrift shops. Listen…I think they are great, but I am more the queen of sales racks. I hit sales like a whore needing a good night because she is going on vacation in a week. Oh…bad analogy! I am absolutely a sales rack whore!!! I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy for a dollar.  I am not kidding you on this…Absolutely true story: A friggin dollar bought me a pair of jeans on the sales rack at Old Navy. You can find some seriously amazing deals on sales racks if you do it the right way. It’s all about shopping when the new season of crap comes in, and they are trying to get rid of the old crap…and you find yourself getting some great deals. My mom still does not give a hoot about these deals. She wants the thrift shop!!! That’s it.  The best gift I could ever give my mom would be a 100 dollar gift card to Goodwill. The thing is….she buys me shit from these places too….and although I find it very sweet of her to think of me, I have concerns over the pink eye mascara, and herpes lipstick she just bought me. Yep…you read that right..nope, it’s not a typo…My mom buys makeup from these joints. She LOVES it. She will say… “Oh I got the best deal on some makeup today.” My response is “That’s great mom…but after the doctor bills from your pink eye and herpes, wouldn’t it have been easier to just go to target and buy the shit?” Nah…she is all good. Now I can assure you she has never bought underwear from a thrift shop….(I think)….but my question is, why are they selling underwear in thrift shops? My mom has a very impressive shoe collection, and most of these finds came from thrift shops. I’m not going to lie….she has found some amazing shoes in these places. I have borrowed them from her, and I have to admit she found some great deals. But really the only thing you can catch from shoes is foot fungus…which sucks, but at least it’s only on your foot and not somewhere near your face or your under carriage.  My thing is that you may see something that looks great, and you are like…” yeah….score”..but you have NO idea what went down when someone was wearing those pants, or dress. Have we all forgotten so quickly about what happened with president Clinton and the blue dress! I don’t give a friggin crap whose “sploog” it is…I’m not wearing something that is stained with someones sex juices. Even if it is the president! But…I digress…again…When it comes down to it, my mom is this adorably, HOT lady and I can only hope and pray that I look like her and become half the beautiful woman she is. We are very different, and believe me…we have gotten into some fights that have been doozies,  and yet this woman taught me how to love my children with everything that I am, and to be kind (I mean….I try), and to give love unconditionally, and to always see the beauty in things. She is a beautiful, amazing woman who I am proud to call my mom. We may not always agree, but I always love her….and her nasty flea infested, herpes clothes! Okay…that was too far…. Love you Mom!

LOUISE ALLAN

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