It’s THYME you knew I can’t CURRY on all by myself!~ get it… thyme….curry….just read it!!

Are you hungry? Maybe thinking about actually cooking something? Well you have come to the right place!! This is a HOW TO! I have actual instructions that “may” help you if you ever find yourself hungry… and maybe a little over confident in your cooking abilities…

 
Let me start by saying I do not have any previous education in these matters. I am not a specialist or have any real knowledge of anything that I am actually about to tell you! Just thought you should know….

 
So let’s get started:

 
HOW TO:

 
Let’s just say for the sake of argument that you are looking at recipes. You see something that looks good and you think to yourself…I know that I suck at cooking, but maybe…just maybe I could do it! The recipe doesn’t look like it has too many ingredients. And then you think…dammitt, …I am not incompetent…I can do this!!!

 

 
So you jot down all of the items you will need for this recipe. As you are writing down everything you need, you realize that you may have gotten in over your head because this recipe is calling for things like Cumin, …and Turmeric,..and you have no fucking idea what any of that is. Yes, ..you heard Rachel Ray talking about it one time on television, ..but you didn’t ever think that you would have to actually use them in something. Like for real!!

 
You are at the grocery store, and you head to the spice isle in hopes to find these things that you have never bought before. You spot the cumin and turmeric, and you decide to throw in some curry powder. Not sure why but it is similar in color so you figure it will probably work.

 
You get home….you unload all of the ingredients. You have the recipe ready to go and you begin. You have the pot on the stove. You randomly add the ingredients that the recipe says to add and let it do it’s thing. You get on the internet while waiting for the stuff in the pot to do it’s “thing.” You start to hear crackling and sizzling and realize that you forgot about the stuff in the pot….AGAIN….. and race over to try and scrape some of the stuff that was beginning to stick. At this point you think to yourself, I guess I should add some of that cumin crap I bought because the recipe says I have too!

 
You open the top of the cumin bottle and try to shake some on the stuff cooking in the pot. Nothing happens. You then realize that there is something over the top of the cumin, You gently twist off the top and see the “Quality Seal” and realize that is why it is not coming out. No biggie, …I will just remove the “Quality Seal” and continue on with my cooking. You see the convenient little tabs on the side and think….aw…how nice of them to ass…haha I mean ADD…( darn you auto correct)… those nifty tabs just for my convenience. You start to pull at them and quickly realize that they are not budging. So you pull harder, …and even harder.. NOTHING! At this point you have been pulling so hard that one of your nails bent all the way backwards and almost came off!! You start clawing at the “Quality Seal” just clawing at it,…nothing!! Your nails are now all jacked up and that “Quality Seal” is still fully in tact! So you grab a knife because now you are pissed and you are going to show this damn thing who is the boss in this place! You start jabbing the “Quality Seal” with the knife….. similar to murder!

 

 
Side note – (not that I have ever committed murder…I mean technically I have murdered lots of plants and a few trees, …and “possibly” a bird…but that is for another blog post!)… anyway…

 

 

You finally make it through the “Quality Seal” with the knife but it only just barely makes a hole. So you start shoving the knife in and spinning it all around in hopes to jar some of this “Quality Seal” off. You eventually get a hole big enough to shove your finger in and try desperately to rip off this seal. You get some chunks of it coming off but most of it is still glued completely to the sides. Now listen….if you happen to be a person with OCD…or what I like to call type A personality, 🙂 ..this sticky crap on the sides is just not going to work!! So you are sitting there trying to scrape off every bit of this stupid “Quality Seal” because who the hell wants bits of sticky quality seal on their spice container.

 

FINALLY….you finally get most of that crap off. You turn to add the spice only to realize that everything in your pot is now black and charred and billowing out smoke. How did you not notice all that smoke before?? How did you not smell the burning char of nastiness as you were clawing at the cumin?! Awesome!!

 

Well….Fuck you Cumin…..You know…just fuck you!

 

You throw away the pot because there is NO WAY you are going to get that mess out of it…and order a pizza!

I hope this post will help you in your cooking ventures! Actually to be extra safe…just do the exact opposite of everything I have said here and you will probably be fine!!

 

mf

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Wings Do Not always help you fly…

The other day ..I had to call the husband at work and ask him to please stop at the store and get some pads. The monthly mofo had shown up and I was out of feminine products. My husband has always been pretty good about stopping and picking up those things if I need them. He is pretty secure in his masculinity that it doesn’t bother him. Also he almost always brings chocolate on those days because he knows by now that it will definitely make it a better night around here if he does.

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Except this time!! Now let me just say, …I have been with this man for close to 28 years. He knows me!!! He knows everything about me! Probably better than I know myself. And this man that I stood before God and all of our friends and family and vowed to love through thick and thin, sickness and health, ..walked in the door with pads with Wings!!!! WHAAAA????

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After 28 years with someone, ….I think it’s pretty safe to say that they should know if you are a pad with wings kind of person or not. I myself have never met a pads with wings kind of person. I have often wondered why they even sell them and who is actually using them? I mean if you are into chunks of your hair down there being pulled out every step you take then more power to you!

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I love my husband very much…I do, and after 28 years we have been through a lot together and we have stood by each other through many hard times. But this…..the wings…I don’t know, …this is something that I am not sure I can just overlook.

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Well, …the truth is, …he had a family size bag of Reeses with him. He definitely gets points for that. Now if he had a Ben and Jerry’s along with it, I might be able to overlook this whole wings nonsense. I am starting to wonder if I know the man I am married to at all. I mean, we sleep in the same bed together, we watch the same shows, …we even make out on occasions…(usually when the kids are asleep…which is NEVER)….but this….The wings…..Who is this man I married!!

The best part about the whole thing is, ..I decided to take them back because I REALLY hate wings. So I go up to the service center in Walmart and the Walmart guy looks at the pads and then looks at me and says…”What, …were they the wrong size or something?”….um, ….really Walmart guy?? Okay…you asked “Well if you must know…NO they were not the wrong size, but as you can see they have wings and you may not know this about me, …but I despise pads with wings…mostly because they end up ripping every shred of hair I have on my Vagina out…but not in a good way, …not like you went and had a professional Brazilian wax done so everything is nice and shiny and pretty, …but more like you got drunk at a frat party and passed out so all your friends shaved parts of your hair off and now they start calling you “patches!”…But thanks for asking Walmart service guy!!!”…

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So tell me in the comments…are you a pads with wings kind of person? I’m really curios actually because I have often wondered who these people are that buy the wings.

Disclaimer – No judgement to any of you wings folks. I just happen to like my wings covered in spicy hot sauce…and not Vagina sauce! ( That may have even been too gross for me to type)…

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Also check out Buster getting ready for bed!! This is EVERY NIGHT!!! That dog is crazy….but aren’t we all just a little crazy??…

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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