20’s vs 40’s! Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance! 
 
 
 
This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!!  Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know! 
 
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
 
Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.
 
 
Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”
 
 
 
Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!
 
 
 
Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”… 
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”
 
 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!! 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:
 
 
Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”
 
 
Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…
 
 
I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!! 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it. 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!
 
 
 
Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!).. 
 
 
 
Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…
funny-gif-jogging-terrible-mistake
 
 
 
Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!
 
 
 
Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”… 
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be.  I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE! 
 
 
 
So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!
55ecae250802e6d5ae5b5146eb825a46
~
mf
 
 
 
 
 
 

Get off the couch LAZY A$$!!

As of recently, I have been on a quest to “try” to be healthier. I do that sometimes. Every so often I will go through a health kick sort of deal, and buy veggies at the store, and drink green juice, and really try to keep an actual schedule with exercise and stick to it. I’ve never really been good with structure. I’m just not built that way. My true inner guide is one that is always late to everything, loves junk food, and can watch hours upon hours of Netflix! No matter how much healthy food I eat, and how many hours of exercise I put in at the gym, I have never grown a love for that type of thing. It’s just not who I am! I have to force myself to exercise, and force myself to eat broccoli. Every time I hear people saying things like, “Once you start being healthy all the time you never crave the bad stuff! It’s a lifestyle change!”  I call Bullshit!!
 
 
 
 
Maybe that works for some folks, but not everybody. Eating right and exercising is great, but I will never love it! And that’s okay. My favorite motto ever is “You do you!” So if you LOVE eating lettuce and doing bicep curls…  you do it!!! And if you love Cheetos, and Netflix marathons rather than color rad marathons… you do it! You do you!!
 
 
 
 
Which brings me to this. Even though I am not a lover of exercise, I still try to incorporate it in my life. I have done so many different types of exercise. I have done Zumba, Taebo, Turbofire, T25, cardio kickboxing, barre fitness, abs of steel, buns of steel, worked out on an elliptical, punching bag, bike riding, you name it… I’ve done it! I have even owned my very own thigh master, and I used the shit out of that thing!  It never actually gave me thighs of steel though.  I may have been using it wrong. I would plop down in front of the t.v and watch Beverly Hills 90210 back when Dylan (the hottie bad boy) and Brenda (the narcissistic crazy girl) were dating. The problem was I would end up eating a bag of chips while I was squeezing my thighs. I figured one was canceling out the other! (let me live with my lie okay!)
 
 
 
 
As of recently, the new exercise gig I am trying out is jogging. If you follow My Facebook Page, I have talked about this before. On my very first jog ever, I lost my lungs. When I started, they were attached, and five minutes in… my lungs detached from the designated place they are supposed to be, and dropped somewhere into my liver or pancreas. I’m still not sure! I have not been able to retrieve them as of yet! Still working on that! Anyway… In my quest to start a jogging regime, I have come across a few things along my journey that I can’t figure out. I thought I would share them with you.
 
 
 
1) Why is there always a shoe in the ditch? It’s always ONE shoe just laying on the side of the road, or in the ditch. Now first of all, I am going to obviously assume that the person wearing that shoe was snatched up, and is now being held captive in some gross basement somewhere being forced to eat cow brains while being brainwashed about how aliens will be coming back to take the Earth from us all! But also… if you are jogging, and somehow one of your shoes falls off Cinderella style, how are you not feeling this? How is a person just walking around without one shoe and doesn’t even notice. Do they get home, and their partner says “Hey Bob… what happened to your shoe?” and bob says “Oh wow… I had no idea it was gone!! I was so involved in my awesome run, that I didn’t even notice all the gravel and glass shards I was running over!.” I don’t get it! 
 
 
 
2) Twice I have come across underwear balled up on the side of the road covered in doodie! WHAT IS UP PEOPLE??!! Who is doodieing themselves and just throwing the unders out the window? I have actually crossed the road because I don’t even want to jog next to balled up doodie underwear! If you would have just stopped and pulled down your underwear, squatted and doodied like a normal person, there would be no need to take off your underwear and throw it on the side of the road!
 
 
 
3) The dead animal carcasses. I realize nature is nature and there is nothing we can do about that! But when you are running along, you have your headphones on and are lost in a song, and then the smell hits your nostrils like a wrecking ball (see what I did there) and it gets closer and closer until you realized it’s a smooshed up skunk that birds have been munching on all day! Who knows how long it’s been cooking in the sun. And now you have to run by that awful thing! Without a gas mask!! ugh…
 
 
 
 
4) The staring folk! Now I know what you are going to say. Ignore all the people that stare, who really cares what they think! I agree with that. But sometimes it gets kind of annoying. Here you are trying to get your jog on and not doing a very good job of it, and car after car is racing by you. And then you have the car filled with 10 teenagers, and you know they shouldn’t even be all fitting in that car, and yet there they are. They go as slow as possible by you and they are all staring out the window and making faces because they think they are so friggin hilarious.  “Yes teenagers… that is my ass bouncing all over the place… what of it??? Mark my words! You will be me one day!”
 
 
 
 
5) Along with the staring judgmental people, comes the staring judgemental animals! If you happen to live in the city, you will probably get some crazy dogs freaking out as you have to jog by their fence. You also have to deal with those nasty tree squirrels that are sitting in the tree just waiting to pounce on you as you jog by. I live in the country and so I get to jog by all the judgemental cows and bison! Yep… you read that right!! The judgemental cows!! I can’t tell you how many times I have had to jog past judgemental cows. The worst part is, they are the ones that smell like ass… and yet they are judging ME??!! 
 
 
 
 
6) And let’s not forget the bug buffet that you end up having after a nice jog! If you start to sweat, you get the added bonus of those nasty little fuckers sticking to you. The most annoying of all are those little gnat things that continue to fly right around your face holes. Their favorite place to be is in your eyeballs, up your nose, and in your mouth!!! WHY???? You try to run faster thinking you can outrun those assholes, but you can’t!! NO matter how fast you go, that swarm of gnats is right there with you!! It’s like they have become part of your aura now!!  You also have the random cricket that you see up ahead. You try to avoid it, and instead of jumping away from you, that fucker jumps RIGHT AT YOU!!!! Which of course causes you to do the embarrassing “Is there a bug on me?” dance in public… Awesome…
This is how I usually look after a nice jog!
 
 
 
 
Honestly, I am not against Marathons!  I Just prefer the kind that inolve popcorn and Netflix!
60caac04c8aad913d51c3f831092e0a0
 
 

The Secret to Health and Beauty is…

Let’s talk about health! Every where we turn people are always spewing this and that about what is healthy and what isn’t. It has actually become a trend to use the word health to judge other people.  My favorite is when completely uneducated fools that found some article on the internet (much like this one I am writing)  use it as a way to spew some ignorant foolish thing that is in no way backed by facts,  it is all just opinions. (This here is my opinion, you can take it or leave it! Your choice)
 
 
 
So many people like to think they know the facts about what health really is. The truth is…. the “facts” about health have changed over the years and even over centuries. It changes all the time. Where the problem comes in is that someone will read some article about gluten or dairy, and now they think they are a friggin expert about health.  What these people seem to forget is that everyone is different. Just because something worked for you… DOES NOT mean it is the answer for everyone! 
 
 
 
 
As of recently… there is this gorgeous model who was signed to a contract. Tess Munster! She is beautiful. The fact that she wears a size 22 and was signed on to a contract as a model has become controversy!!  I mean….This is controversy?? Because of the size of clothes she wears? What the hell am I missing?
 
 
 
 
I recently read an article about her, .and the top comment said something like this -“Well, how can someone of her size promote health?” This question baffles me. Mostly because not one single fucking person on this planet can tell the health of another person just by looking at them. If you think you know how healthy someone is by merely looking at them, you may be a bigger fool than you even realize. And since when is the modeling industry even worried about being healthy? Do people actually look at runway models, with bones poking out every which way, and think that they are healthy? How many models pass out from malnutrition and exhaustion each year? Whether it’s a size 2 or 22, the modeling industry isn’t there to promote health, and it never was. 
 
 
 
 
Let’s start off with the fact that no one’s health is the business of another person’s anyway. Someone left an ignorant comment that said… “My only concern is for her heart!” Oh really?? You are concerned for her heart? You…a perfect stranger! You are not her doctor…or her mother and yet you are concerned for her heart! I CALL BULLSHIT! People that spew this heightened sanctimonious attitude are the ones that are most full of bullshit! There is NO WAY any of these people commenting on a post on the internet have actual “caring” for a perfect strangers health! So STOP spewing this garbage because you make yourself look like an idiot!
 
 
 
 
It is utterly ridiculous to think you know the health of a person by the way they look.  Thin people have cancer. Fat people have cancer. Thin people have diabetes! Fat people have diabetes! Thin people do drugs! Fat people do drugs! Even babies are born with cancer. Many people walk around with debilitating pain, and many times you would never have any idea.
 
 
 
Can we also talk about how the idea of health changes all the time anyway. It is all literally a standard set by a society of people. It does NOT mean it is fact! I just watched this awesome video that I will share down below about the idea of beauty through the ages. This also has a lot to do with the idea of health. Somehow the lines of beauty and health have become so intertwined in our society. Remember, …beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
 
 
 
 
There was a time in our country, and the rest of the world, when being a thin person was considered the height of unhealthy. Mostly because it just meant that you had no money to buy food, and so you were unhealthy. Being plump meant being fed, which meant a better chance of surviving illness and surviving childbirth. The more plump overweight look was the top idea of premium health! Even on other parts of our world right now….there are people starving to death. These people DO NOT view thinness as a health standard! Mostly because thinness is a sign of starvation. The idea of health to them is someone who eats.
 
 
 
 
The health of an individual person is NOT something you can determine by their size, their hair color, their skin color, or the way they dress!
 
 
 
 
This guy here – Jim Fixx – is the guy who created jogging back in the 70’s. It wasn’t as popular as it is today, but it caught on and became a popular way to exercise. This wonderful man died from a heart attack when he was 52,… while he was jogging! Because I am not his doctor, ..I have no idea why this happened. But it happens.  People that exercise have heart attacks….people that are thin have heart attacks, ….people that are fat have heart attacks. 
 
 
 
Just remember, …if you are using the “health” card to judge other people, just know that you are completely full of shit! What you are doing is buying into the societal standard of bullshit! There is a societal standard for many things. And thinking you know the health of a person by looking at them is one of them!!  And using the health card to judge is just you wanting to judge for the sake of judging, or to make yourself feel better.
 
 
 
SO STOP!!!
 
 
 
I know for me that when I am feeling good, I am happy. My health is directly related to how I am feeling.  I am one of those people that has fluctuated with weight over the years. Having four kids, I have gone up and down and all around in the weight department. I have also been someone that has bought into the society bull shit and torn myself apart because I would look in the mirror and not find anything I Like. I have berated myself for not looking a certain way, and my daughters have seen me do it! (Which makes me sick to my stomach.)  I have been bone thin, and I was no where near healthy. I was STARVING!!! Trying to fit into an idea of perfection. The funny part about it is I had people say to me…”You look so healthy!” Uh NO! If they only knew that as they were sitting there telling me how healthy I was, that I could have actually passed out from starvation at any second!!! I had gone 7 straight days without any food one time trying to get down to a certain size.  I was starving myself and I was NOT healthy. I was also not happy. I just wanted to fucking eat something.  
 
 
 
 
My wish is that Happiness would be what everyone wishes for another person. That happiness is the New standard for health and beauty!!  I can get behind this. Happiness for everyone. Fat, thin, bald, or blue…. whatever the fuck a person chooses to be! Happiness is what folks should be striving for. Not thinness, or fitting into any ideas of society. Just finding happiness! When comments say things like “As long as they have found happiness then that is all that matters!” will be a happy day for everyone!
 
 
What if the secret to beauty and health is Happiness??…
 
 
 
And listen okay… I like gluten! So back the fuck off!!!!
~
Check it out!~
~
images (19)
~
images (26)
~
happy-girls-are-the-pretiest-beauty-quote

LOUISE ALLAN

Life from the attic

Dadmissions

life surrounded by a wife and two girls

Cellulite Looks Better Tan

And Other Observations From My Soap Box.

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

renegade mothering

tales of a wayward mama

Dances With Fat

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size Dependent

Abby Has Issues

I have issues. So do you.

Nonsense & Shenanigans

Because who wants to make sense and behave, anyway?

Single Girl Blogging

I'm a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

The Apprehensive Vagina

Navigating a world of anxiety and sexual pain through humor and conversation.

TD421

Why aren't you at your post?

Veggiewitch

...adventures of a Crafter-Mama!

Why are you so AWESOME and I SUCK?!

I have struggled to be famous for over a decade. I have learned talent and hard-work are not key factors. This blog is dedicated to my pursuit in figuring out what it takes… to be famous.

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

Guapola

Crazy is relative. Just ask my relatives. And music!

Weird Woman Lives Past 40

My bumpy, messy, fattening, slutty, beautiful, simple life. Step into my panties...err parlour.

Crazy Good Parent

a digital community for people with mental health issues trying to be the best parents they can