It could be the deadliest thing, and it could be in your home…

Cover of "Germs"

Kids are sweet. They are cute, and short, and innocent…well, mostly innocent, and let’s face it…they are GROSS!!! Seriously…just gross. There is no other way to put it. They are walking, talking germ carriers, that do disgusting things which inevitably cause everyone else to catch their diseases. I completely believe that the black plague started with a child. A cute, sweet, child! I have kids, and they are the grossest people I know. I usually can bare it though because they actually came from my vagina so I figure their boogers are slightly less gross than say another person’s kid. I can barely handle my own kid’s grossness, so anyone else’s is an absolute NO!!
I have been very lucky in the teacher department. My kids have amazing teachers, but this whole gross thing got me thinking. These poor people not only have to deal with my kids grossness level, but a whole bunch of peoples gross kids, and all at the same time too! That falls into the “I had a nightmare about being stuck in a room full of gross kids” category! I really do feel bad for the amazing people that put themselves out there every day and end up with your kids boogers on their shirt! They deserve some chocolate….and maybe throw in some tide. I came up with a great idea that I think should be mandatory in all classrooms across the country, heck in any country!! Forget the “curse Jar”….these classrooms need to be filled with a “gross jar”. Meaning every morning when you drop your kids off at the door, by the look on the teachers face, you will know exactly how much you have to put in. I came up with this great idea, but I also know my kids…which means I would be broke!!! And the teacher will have collected enough money to take a fully financed trip to Hawaii. I can see it now…As I’m dropping off my kids, the teacher has “the look”..so I put in a 5. Nope…the look is still there…okay a 10. NOPE….still has “the look”…okay screw it…I’m just sticking in a 50 and hoping for the best! There have been times when I am walking my kids down the hall and I can just tell by the look on those poor teachers faces that my kids did something gross. All I can do is hope they realize that it comes from their dad. It’s not my fault!! I refrain from most gross things!!
And what is it with boys? My son is cute as can be, he is all teeth, and hair, and I love him to pieces. But I have NO desire to touch this child. Sometimes if he gets scared or has a nightmare, he will come climb into bed with me. I have no issue with sharing my bed with the little people, except when I know his hands have spent the better part of the day down his pants. As we are laying there all snuggled up, I just keep thinking.. “please don’t touch my face!” I’m pretty sure that boys never outgrow the grossness factor. I still catch the husband on occasion with his hand down his pants. It’s like they forget that they have a man pouch, then all of a sudden they remember about the beast that lives within their pants so they must check on it and make sure it is okay. …O.O anyway… All I am saying is that I truly believe these poor teachers should get some sort of tax break or something  just for boogers. Like a “booger tax”…for the parents, and some parents may just have to be taxed more than others…! I KNOW I am in that category. Next time you drop off your kids at school, just apologize, drop a 20 and walk away. They will get it!

 

So this is what it looks like?!..

This is 40! ~  Yes…that is a hilarious movie with Paul Rudd (favorite actor EVER) and Leslie Mann ( pretty much in love with her too)! I cracked up watching that movie.  It was funny, and I got it. That could be because in about 2 months, I will officially be 40. I’m scared shitless too! I can’t even imagine having a  4  in front of my age. I know that age is just a number and your only as old as you feel…blah blah blah…but I still don’t like it!! I am not ready for it. It’s a strange cross over because I still remember the 80’s like they just happened. I literally went through a can and a half of aqua net A DAY!! My hair was so high I am positive I was receiving messages from Pluto. I met the husband in 1987. I was 14! His hair was almost as high as mine…but of course he was sporting the business in the front –  party in the back look. (disclaimer) – Mullets were actually cool!…not really though. We had some serious hair…and we were very serious about our hair!  I remember just walking around the neighborhood for hours stopping at friends houses just to say hi. Hopping on the husbands first motorcycle…which was a small little yamaha that was spray painted black. I loved riding around on that thing , with our hair blowing in the wind…okay….that’s a lie….with the amount of aqua net, our hair wasn’t budging!!! It was so carefree. We used to hop on his bike and head up to the Silicon Valley Hills. It’s an overlook of Silicon Valley and absolutely GORGEOUS at night time. Or just taking off to Santa Cruz  beach on a warm summer night and hanging our legs off the pier over the ocean as it slams up against the posts and would spray us with salt water.  Nothing mattered in those moments. Just being there together. I remember many a night of heading up to the same spot in the hills with friends, and having make out sessions. The husbands first car…( a 1966 galaxy) HUGE front and back seats, also spray painted black, one couple up front and one in the back…and usually one on the hood of the car…( you know who you are) ;)! It’s weird to think about those times, we were always living in the moment. We just did what we did, never thinking too much about it, and having a great time. Life felt easy. It was like going with the flow wasn’t something I had to convince myself to do, it was just a state of mind that I naturally had.  I don’t know when I lost it. I still can not pin point the moment that worry, and stress became every day parts of my life and mind, and “going with the flow” became something I had to consciously make an effort to achieve.   Fast forward many years later, and many babies later…house payments, car payments, and all kinds of responsibility and here we are! I love the husband more than ever, and I cannot even imagine my world with out my babies in it! These days though…I struggle to be able to read the friggin dosage chart on the tylenol because the writing is so small! Or the mornings when I get up out of bed, and It takes me a minute to get feeling back in my arm because of the way I slept. Always needing to keep clariol on hand so I don’t look like a skunk!  Sneezing, coughing, laughing, or yelling at my kids… or even just talking to my kids and pissing!! Every single time…just pissing myself , because I pushed people out of my vagina so it doesn’t work correctly anymore. I haven’t officially pooped myself yet, but it’s been close….damn close…. I didn’t have these problems before. I didn’t think that my nipples would become desensitized because they had been sucked on by little people so much that they lost all feeling…(which at the time I preferred)…but I would like the feeling back now!! I am turning 40!! I want my nipples back, and my ass, and I wouldn’t mind being able to read something without having to hold it far…then near…then far again…then near…then ….Oh shit forget it!!! It’s so strange to be able to remember thinking that you could NEVER imagine being 40. WoW…that is never going to happen to me…and then boom…Here I am!  40  In all it’s glory!. Well….I am going to put on my big girl panties/ depends…and take it like a grown up…because that is what I am now right??? A grown up!  This IS 40! ~ bleh..

I Suck ~

Pizza Salvator's 02

Mornings are hard enough…but add in the pressure of having to stand over a stove and cook some fancy food for people, It is just unfeeling and cruel! I can’t believe I am going to admit this…but my kids have eaten cold pizza for breakfast more than once. Which if you really stop and think about it, that makes me a sucky dinner person too, because obviously If there is cold pizza floating around then I wasn’t hanging out over the stove at dinner time either. Now before everyone passes judgement, check it out. This is my list of why it is okay to feed your kids un- breakfast like things for breakfast:
1. Cold pizza is no worse for you than Sausage, bacon, or ham. Seriously…it’s pig they are eating…and fried pig at that! The pizza at least has some sauce which started out as tomatoes!
2. Cake for breakfast is no different than eating a doughnut or muffin! You will never be able to convince me any differently on that!!
3. Ice cream may seem like a bad idea in the morning, but after Capt. crunch has been floating around your milk…TRUST that the same amount of sugar is in there..
4. Leftover lasagna probably has more veggies in it than your traditional egg omelette.  Unless you get the veggie omelette ..but who really ever does that.
5. Is their really a difference between french fries and hash browns? It’s kind of like is their really a difference between wearing a bikini to the beach or your bra and panties to the beach? ..not really… unless you are wearing the crotchless kind…That makes a difference.
6. ANYTIME is a good time for chocolate!! Don’t even try to argue with me on that….

So there you have it. The things I tell myself to make me feel slightly better about my horrible breakfast making abilities! Which doesn’t really make me feel better. My kids may not ever have glorious memories of their mom slaving away in the kitchen making pancakes, but I’m pretty sure they already know I suck!…but hey, I can dance..( I have no idea why I added that last part….it just felt right.)

Facebook Whore!

facebook engancha

Why am I addicted to facebook when it drives me nuts? I could actually say the same thing about Walmart…( that is another post though). I guess that is the way addictions work. You keep going back for more, even when the more isn’t completely satisfying. There must be something in it that keeps me going back. What is it? What is that pull? I can tell you that when I get on facebook, and see the same old stuff…The depressed post…( my life sucks FML), The food post( just ate at ….. and it was the best),  the relationship post ( My husband is the BEST EVER because he just bought me a NEW CAR and you all have to drive old cars….so be jealous),…the Mom post ( my kid rocks…HONOR ROLL BITCHES), or the 100th pic of your sweet little munchkin doing the same thing they were doing on the 50th picture…but they are wearing blue instead of purple. We also have the ever dreaded Religious/ Political posts that I know everybody just can not wait to see on their newsfeed! The wonderful bible versus…or “I hate the president” pictures. Does anybody really think those are making a difference in the world?…( usually posts on Facebook aren’t doing anything but showing people what you think!) ACTION is going out and involving yourself in whatever the thing is that you feel so strongly about….and FYI….signing a petition on facebook is NOT signing a petition.  Anyway….I am at fault for at least half, if not more of these Facebook gems! I know it’s true. I get it!! As a mom we want to share our beautiful kids with everyone so they can see all the cute things we get to see….or maybe your having a bad day, and just venting a little on FB makes you feel better, or possibly just having someone comment “Hang in there”makes you feel like someone cares. At the same time….FB can have an opposite effect and cause some seriously hurt feelings. I have witnessed some heated fights going down for something as simple as a post about what a kid learned in their college class that day. Although it is a great place to be able to be open about how you feel about topics, or what is important to you….people forget that just because you are sitting behind a screen doesn’t mean that it is okay to lose all sense of respect or be decent as a person. It’s the same way people are in a car. For some reason that barrier makes people lose all sense of humanity in a way. Think about if you were face to face with that person…would you say what you are getting ready to type? Would you sit there and show them 5 million pictures of your kids, or pull out the bible and read every damn scripture in there? Probably not. I am all for standing up for what you believe in…but not at the cost of completely losing your decency.  Facebook makes it easy to be cruel, and senseless just by the click of a button and then you move on to the next thing. It is suppose to be a  place that we can connect with each other, share with each other, and ultimately help each other out by keeping things real, and on a level of equality, and understanding for each other…NO matter the differences in beliefs or lives, or whatever it is that a person does. It is for sharing! I am a firm believer in – “understanding others will help you to become whole!” Instead of feeling angry because someone didn’t agree with you…you can maybe have a conversation about the differences that compliment each other, and actually LEARN something from each other. Facebook is a GREAT tool for doing just that. Not always used that way though. I am without a doubt a facebook whore. NO QUESTION!! I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my stuff. WHY you ask?? I don’t friggin know…other than everybody wants to be recognized…or understood somehow. SO, basically the point of this whole story is that you need to go and like my facebook page….because I will be butt hurt if you don’t…

My Dog’s an A$$hole:

Lani

It’s true! My dog is a major a-hole! Now before all the animal lovers get WAAYYY up in arms, TRUST ME…He is not offended by me saying that, so you shouldn’t be. Not only is my dog an asshole, but he has one!.. And for some friggin reason his favorite thing to do is wipe it all over my carpet. Now think about this for a minute. What if someone came over to your house to visit, and just decided to wipe their hole across your floor. It’s just plain rude!! Plus it sends me into an epic tissy fit. The idea of his bare butthole on my carpet gives me the creeps. I don’t want to even walk barefoot on the carpet now. Then the kids are all rolling around everywhere, and I’m just thinking, I wouldn’t do that if I was you.
Another a-hole move he does…I go out and buy “greenies.” These damn things are like premium treats that cost more than my house payment. I give the dog a treat, and off he goes straight to the carpet to puke it up. Now why does he leave the tile floor, and walk all the way over to the carpet to puke it up? I swear he is doing that on purpose. Not only do I have ass marks everywhere, I have puke marks everywhere. Try sitting down, just give it a try, and you’ll have a dog nose going straight up your vagina….or man pouch…and when I say straight up…I mean STRAIGHT UP!!! I have no idea why, but he really is such a snob. This dog thinks he is better than most dogs, and most people. He is SNOBBY!! He literally stands 2 feet off the ground and thinks he can take on a big old rottweiler. Come on dude….he will eat you for a snack. It doesn’t matter to this dog though, there he is growling and barking and cussing out the rottweiler like he can take him or something. He hates anyone that comes over here. If you come in this house…he hates you! That’s it!! That is all you have to do. Or wear glasses. Dude will give you the ” Fuck Off” look if you are wearing glasses. He has judged me more than once with his judging doggy eyeballs. He knows what he is doing. Those of you that say “dogs mouths are cleaner than humans..” are smoking something. I have witnessed my dog eat poop more than once. Along with poop, another one of his favorite things to do is eat hair!!! WHY?? Why does this thing want to be eating hair? Think about this… He eats hair, and then the hair has to come out. So he is outside doing his thing and it’s not going so well because dog has some hair trying to make it’s way out. I have kids, and so believe me when I tell you I have had my share of dealing with poopie situations…but you better believe I am not touching that situation with a ten foot pole! YOu are on your own with that dog! The thing is…I am probably more like that dog than I really want to admit, I mean aside from the ass scraping thing, and the puking thing, …oh and the hair thing,…yeah, I have never done the hair thing, and I usually don’t go around sticking my nose in people’s junk….but I can claim the title of Asshole on any given day. So, yeah….me and the dog….just a couple of assholes…

Just MY thoughts :

I told myself that I wasn’t going to write about the topics that people get ALL IN A FLURRY about… and yet here I go. The reason is that I truly believe in standing up for your beliefs, but at the same time…everyone needs to be respectful of another person’s beliefs. This is a BIG, BIG world, with so many different cultures and beliefs that have gone on for centuries, that it is truly impossible for one person to say that they have the “truth” and that is the “truth” and that is that! Not only is that really the height of arrogance to assume that you are the only person with the so called “truth”…but to be honest you are doing yourself the biggest disservice in believing that because you officially have decided that you now know “everything”, so no need to keep on learning. Now instead you are going to make everyone else see what you know, because you are the right one! What makes a person think that they have reached the point of knowledge? What makes a person think that they know more than another?  I recently have gone through a “paradigm shift” in my life. I will tell you about my own experience and maybe you can relate or understand what I’m talking about. I was raised with the christian belief. That was just the way it was. I went to catholic school. I went to church every sunday, and I did communion, and prayed in school, and did confession with a priest at the age of 7. Never really understanding the idea of confession because I never felt that I was that bad of a sinner at 7.  Moved on to my teens, and became pregnant at a very young age. Being a mother before I was even 18 was a new experience in my life. I was the youngest in my family, and didn’t have younger siblings to look after at the time.  ALL I knew was that I loved this perfect little life and I was so happy that she was here, and I needed to take care of her. Her father and I were so young and trying to figure out the whole being a parent thing, and just trying to make a life out of what we had, which wasn’t much. We met some friends that reintroduced us to a church and we started to go.  It was a great experience in my life, and I learned many things, but at the same time….came to a place where my life was going in another direction. If you always follow the exact same path…how will you experience and learn, and more importantly..how will you evolve? We are designed to evolve in mind and spirit, it is important to keep on moving and not become stuck. After starting to go to this church, we got married and both of us became baptized. It was his first time, my second. I believe it taught me many great things….but it also taught me that it may not be the right path for me. It is what I needed then….not what I need now. Many years later, and many kids later…I found myself in the predicament of having a very shaken, unsure belief system.  I no longer felt inspired or even accepted by the christian way. This was very traumatic for me. I knew of no other way to live. I was raised this way, told that there is no other way…and that is that. Yet…my mind, heart, and soul felt that there was something else. and no matter how much I fought it…the thoughts were still there. I tortured myself…LITERALLY tortured myself with these thoughts. These thoughts were very real to me. I couldn’t deny that my mind was wandering away from the “christian” belief system. I had started to question…but even beyond that, I had started to see things that I never saw before. They were always there. I just chose not to see them. All of a sudden everything seemed to become clearer to me. For example, my views on homosexuality… Why was I caring about who somebody else chooses to love? In reality…I didn’t care…but I was told it was “wrong” and I should be against it. Yet in my heart….I felt that each person has a right to love who they want. It is not hurting me…it is not even affecting me. I’m the one causing the issue for myself because I have to tell everyone this is wrong, and I’m so upset..but the thing is, I am not upset about what someone else chooses to do. The hardest part of the “christian” belief system for me was that as a christian…I was suppose to believe that was the only way to be, and unless you believed exactly as me, then you were wrong. So my only purpose was to make you see things MY way, and then you will be “right”. WELL…I can’t accept that for my life. Not anymore. I am sorry…but with as many cultures and beliefs for the many , many years this world has been churning…you can not tell me there is only ONE way to the top of the mountain. It’s just not possible. I left the church for my own reasons, but I have absolutely nothing against anyone who believes that is the way for them. All I can tell you is that for me….When true peace filled my heart…was when I stopped realizing that I know anything. ONce I let go of it, once I opened my eyes…I truly became peaceful. It is a hard thing believing that you have to change everybody to see it your way because they are all wrong. What a burden! One day I decided to go to the farmer’s market…and there was a group of religious people with mega phones screaming at the crowds of people walking by about how they are sinners and going to hell. I can guarantee that no one walked up to them and thought…wow, you seem so at peace, so I think I will go to church because your screaming has showed me the way.  If someone chooses to go to church, or find their path to god through that way, then they will walk into a church because they felt it in their heart to do it. That is it!! People do what they do….nobody is changing anyone’s mind!! Trust that! Not even me. I am just writing of my own experiences and what has brought me to here. This will change nothing, but maybe show someone that could possibly be going through the same thing, that it is okay. As a mother, I still tear myself up about this. I want to always do the right thing for my kids. I want them to always succeed in life and find their way without judgement. I know judgement exists, and there is no escaping it…but if I can equip them with the strength and knowledge that it doesn’t matter and to just keep moving on, then it will be okay. I want them to always question everything and not just believe something because someone told them too. I want them to search it out, and find out for themselves. Always learning..and always evolving! The church was not the right path for me. I no longer felt as though I was evolving there. It is okay though because it is the path for so many others. If only we could accept everybody just as they are! NO matter what their beliefs are or what they choose to do in their life…just accept them. No need to change anybody. It is their path! Their journey! and it’s all okay!! How can you say to someone that they should be one way when you have never been through their experiences? How is that even possible? There is no way to tell a mother that lives on the other side of the world, and her life consists of finding food to feed her 5 children everyday, and she lives without water and heat, that if she doesn’t believe exactly this way….she is wrong! What if her convictions are as strong if not stronger in her belief system than yours? How can anyone know what is right for another. All I know is that for the first time in all my life I feel like I finally see. FOR ME…I finally am at peace. I hope for peace for everyone…however it is that you get there….and it is ALL OKAY!!!

Yes…that IS me on google maps…

This happened about a year ago!

Let me set the scene for you: The other day my sister came over with her new puppy. ” hey, Let’s go for a walk,” I said. Yeah…let’s do it!! Sounds innocent enough…right!?.. Sure.  Remember we are talking about MY life….  Soo….Me, My sister, ALL the kids, and puppy decide to go for a walk. Behind my house is an open road with no houses built on it yet. Just a long bare road that is a cul de sac. We often go running, walking, taking the kids on their bikes..etc…etc… back there. It’s a great place to run because usually you never have to deal with cars driving down it or any traffic. Coats on and off we go! I had on probably the worst clothes I own. I’m talking the worst pair of sweats in my drawers adorned with the ugliest sweater that hangs in my closet! Why am I wearing this you ask? Well, along with being my worst clothes, they also happen to be the most comfortable clothes I own. So I refuse to part with them!!…even though there might be a hole……or two. Okay, basically they have no covering in the vagina area. So I am crotchless for the most part.  Although I would never wear this outfit to say the movies, or a fancy restaurant..you know…due to possibly running into someone I might know and all, I figure walking with sis, kids, and puppy on an empty road in the back of my house is safe enough..right?!  Well, off we go chatting away, kids running all over, puppy chasing kids and getting all tangled up in his leash and half way down the road we notice a vehicle turn on the road. Now this is the strangest looking vehicle I have ever seen. Especially from the front view. It looked like a VW bug with some sort of UFO detector on top of it, and it is driving straight towards us. Okay…thoughts at this moment are ” What the heck is that weird looking thing.”  Now stop for a minute and just imagine the face that comes along with that thought! We are talking squinty eyes, mouth open, dumbest look possible! I bet you have made it before. You know the one I’m talking about. Picture this….Me and my sis making the DUMB ” what is that” face, mouth open, squinty eyes, kids running all over, puppy chasing kids, and here comes the vehicle passing right by us. In BIG letters right on the side of the car it says..” GOOGLE MAPS!”   Ohhh…now I get it. Now I see why there is a big freaky tower looking thing attached to the top of that car!!..Because it just took our picture for the whole world to see!!!O.O My first thought….” ———-….yeah…I got nothin!! No thought at all!!! So here’s how this conversation went. Me : “OH CRAP!!” Sister:” Google maps….AWESOME!!!” Yes….My sister is ready to bust out with a musical number from Chicago, and I’m over here with the dumbest look possible and my vagina hanging out.  The vehicle has to turn around at the end of the cul de sac and make it’s way past us again so as it is coming back around, I’m doing my best to crouch behind my sis, or a kid, ..I even picked up puppy in hopes that his fluffiness could somehow hide me.   My sister is beaming with excitement, kids are still running all over, puppy is slobbering, and I’m looking…well…..you get the idea! These google maps drivers mean business too. They must be trained to have NO emotion whatsoever because this guy had the darkest sunglasses on, and refused to look at us. Although I think he secretly was laughing inside. Does he realize that he basically just Ruined my life!!!…okay, okay,   MAJOR over reaction there!!! * sigh    well…bright side : at least I’m not on the “people of walmart” website……Yet!      disclaimer ( not that there is anything wrong with the people of walmart) sometimes wearing a pink thong with jeans that are as low as your pube bone is nice looking…..O.O

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