I have spent way too many hours with HATE! I’m giving it up…

Well here we are, another year has come and gone! It seems like they just fly by anymore. My kids are a year older, I am a year older, …and my Vagina is a year older!! 😉  Okay…I had to throw that one in!! Just for funsies!

 
Anyway, …usually when a New Year is here, folks tend to reminisce and think about past years and the decisions that they have made. Good and bad! We go over the things we may have done differently and we think about how we would like to change these things in the up coming year. As people, …we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or in the future. It is much harder to live in the present. In the now! I think it is just human nature to go over the things in our minds that we did not accomplish and plan the things in our minds that we still want to accomplish.
As I sit here and think about the year that has past….sadly the one thing I have thought about more than anything is that I was not good enough at anything that I did. I have spent much of the past year telling myself I needed to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend and daughter. I have spent many hours telling myself I needed to eat healthier and exercise more. Many nights I laid in bed regretting the things I did not accomplish for the day. I wanted to be more organized, and learn to add more structure to my life. Organization and structure have always been very difficult for me. I have never been fluent in those things. It’s like a block or something. I try….but it never seems to work out. I spent much of the year feeling like I have failed as a parent. Watching the other moms be able to make homemade cupcakes for all the kids classes, AND hand make the Halloween costumes! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the mom that can do it all! The Pinterest mom that has everything homemade from scratch, exercises every day, ..has perfectly coiffed hair, ..and is head of the PTA! I’m not judging the “Do it All” Mom. I can’t tell you how many times I have laid my head on my pillow at night wishing that I could do it all! Wishing that I could be that mom and somehow be better. That I could actually make toast that doesn’t end up black.

 
After thinking about this past year, ….I realized that I have spent far more hours and days thinking of what I am not good at rather than what I am! The thoughts in my head have been more about how I need to change and be better, and I also realized that not many thoughts have been very positive of myself. I can’t even remember a day that I did not think to myself,  why can’t I just be better at this!

 
The realization of this made me so sad. I even cried my eyeballs out for a good two hours about it. I have spent so much time not accepting myself. My husband and kids accept me. My kids have never said to me that they wished I had handmade their costumes or that they would have preferred me to make cookies from scratch. They don’t know the difference. My husband has never said to me “you look like you stopped exercising or it looks like you gained 10 pounds!” He looks at me the same way he did 27 years ago! Like I am the same girl he met in 1987! I am that same girl… but with stretch marks, and lines on my face from age. My heart though, it is the same! I love the same, ..and feel the same inside.

 

So why then can I not see this in myself? Why can I not accept who I am and be okay with it? WHY?? When the only people that matter accept me just as I am!!

 
Here it is!.. My New Year’s Resolution:
I am not good at cooking, and I rarely make cookies from scratch. I am unorganized, and really lack structure. I exercise but I also happen to love junk food on occasion and probably eat it way more than I should. I love with all my heart and become overly sensitive because of that. I have a snap temper. I say things I shouldn’t say way more than I should ever say them! *Hence the Ooops I said Vagina Again blog! 😉  I am not good at making my kids homemade breakfast…but I would literally die for them in a heartbeat!! I would give my life up in a second if it meant giving them whatever it is they need. I would never intentionally hurt anybody, but I know I have.
I choose to make a change this year! But not to change myself. I choose to change my thoughts. I choose to take those hours and days that I have spent filling with negative thoughts about what I need to be, ..and instead fill them with wonderful thoughts about what I can do. I  choose to see myself the way my husband and kids and family see me. I choose to not try and be something that I am NOT…but be completely and totally what I AM!!! And to be okay with it! I am perfect!! And so are YOU!!!

 
Happy New Year to all you beautiful people!

 
Now it’s YOUR turn! Tell me who you are. Who you really are! What makes you YOU? All of it! What makes YOU PERFECT?!

 

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The Year without a Santa Claus – GROWN UP VERSION!~

Every year our family gets together, makes popcorn and hot cocoa, …and watches A Year Without a Santa Claus! I have loved this show since I was a child myself, and my kids look forward to it every year. It’s a big deal in our house because it’s like the Holidays just aren’t complete unless we have watched the snow miser and heat miser have it out!
This year, as I was watching with my kids, I snuck some Baileys in my hot cocoa, and I may have poured a tad bit too much in my cup!…okay…the cup was filled with Baileys. The entire cup…to the top!

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So as I was sitting there in my “relaxed” state, I saw The Year without a Santa Claus in a whole new way! Here is The Year without a Santa Claus….courtesy of Bailey’s!

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It starts off with Santa basically having a major existential crisis! I mean…he’s losing it! None of the people believe in him anymore, and he’s been spending all his time making toys for these ungrateful bastards. What does it all mean?? What is the purpose of everything?? So Santa decided …ah fuck it…I’m staying in bed!!

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Momma Claus is having none of it!! Santa…you drink too damn much, and you think too damn much! GET OUT OF BED and take care of your responsibilities! It’s not like you can even get your clothes IN the laundry basket! Do I have to do everything around here?! I guess I do!!! Me and the reindeer are sick of doing EVERYTHING!!!

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Momma Claus goes to the elves and reindeer and says…. “Honestly you guys…Santa is a slacker!! Can you please help me out! I’m so pissed at him right now! I swear I have to do everything. Can you PLEASE just go find some friggin Christmas cheer somewhere so he will stop feeling sorry for himself and get his ass back to work! I mean…he can’t even deal with ONE day of work!! ONE damn day out of 365!!”

ELVES, REINDEER

So off they go! First they meet up with some bratty kids talking about.. “We don’t believe anymore!” Then they make their way to the mayor who is a complete douche nozzle. I mean this guy is like arrogant as fuck, and he is basically laughing in there face! Total ass face!

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So he says in his very sarcastic way…”yeah…you bring some snow here, and I’ll believe in Santa Claus but until then, I believe in nothing but my damn self… and money. I believe in money.”

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At this point…Momma Claus realizes SHE is going to have to step in because Santa is just not handling his business! So She decides to take matters into her own hands. She puts on the suit and BOOM…..All of sudden she realizes how much she actually likes wearing the suit!! Momma Claus is now having her very own identity crisis!! Oh no…maybe she LIKES being a man just a little too much!

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They cut back to the elves in the work shop…and WOW..More like “sweat” shop!!!

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As the elves are down trying to find some Christmas cheer somewhere, they end up meeting up with a cop who starts giving them a ticket for riding a reindeer down the street! um….abusive power by cops!!!! Not cool!!!

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In between all of this….Santa finds out about the elves and reindeer taking off and decided to get his ass up and go get them. Instead he ends up at the school with the kids. He’s totally creeping on them!!

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In the mean time….

Momma Claus hatches a plan to fix everything by making it snow. The mayor will have to believe if it snows. So she heads over to meet up with the ice guy. Is it not obvious to anyone else that he is cooking meth up in there?! I mean…that place has meth lab written all over it! All those ice crystals floating around the air!! Dudes a cook! He’s “Walter Whiting” it up in there!

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Momma Claus pleads with him because she is sick of Santa’s bullshit, …and freeze miser aka (meth guy) says… “fine…You get my drunk ass brother to agree then I’ll help you out.”

Okay…so off she goes to heat miser’s place. His smokers voice has gotten bad, but on top of that, …how much wine has this obvious wino ingested! Every word is a slur. His friends call him “smoke a bowl.” Man…he’s crabby….and he’s also butt hurt because Santa apparently favors his meth head brother best! It’s due to all that snow and cold business that Walter White aka freeze miser is all about. Santa likes the snow…what are ya gonna do!! Anyway…Mr. Wino smoke head has some serious self esteem issues, and REFUSES to help out! He’s not having it!!

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Momma Claus is pissed and is done dealing with these ass biscuits. She decides to go over their heads and take it to the Momma Vagina!! They will be sorry now!

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Super hippie Mother Nature is going to put everyone in their place and she does not have time for this nonsense. She needs to water her vegetables, and tend to her flowers, She also has a date with Father Time and she has to get her self ready! He was able to find some seriously potent weed. Mother Nature and Father Time are planning on getting high and binge watching Weeds!!

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The one thing I can’t figure out is how the hell she pushed those GINORMOUS heads through her vagina. When they are standing next to her, …she is about the size of their foot! Man, birthing those monsters must have sucked for her!! Anyway….they all start bickering and she is sick of it! She makes a crash of lightning strike right between the two and every one STOPS!! If I could make a bolt of lightning strike right in the middle of my kids fighting…I would be doing it ALL THE TIME!!! There would be lightning strikes happening all over this damn house! It would be like..

ME – “Hey kids…clean your room!”

The Kids – “aww…we don’t want too…It’s BORING!”

ME – #BOOM.. crack lighting strike….”Clean your room now!”
The Kids – …”AHHHHHHH…!!!!”
Oh yeah….I’d be using that power up!!

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Can I just throw in though….REALLY with that Blue Christmas song!! COME ON!!! It’s like they are trying to make us cry!!!! Screw you Blue Christmas song!! I wasn’t crying…I was chopping onions!!!

I would also like to mention the creepy noises that Santa makes are border line disturbing. What is his problem?! He needs to get that looked at.

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So there you have it!! The Year without a Santa Claus…Bailey’s Style!! Not bad, Maybe I’ll try The Year without a Santa Claus margarita style tomorrow!

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!~

Children vs Adults! ..Christmas Edition

It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!!  In all honesty though,  …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…

 
CHRISTMAS

 
Children vs. Adults:

 

The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-

 
CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!

 

 

Black Friday-

 
CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??

 
ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..

 

 

Christmas lights on houses –

 
CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!

 
Christmas Commercials-

 
CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!

 

 
ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!

 

 

Santa in the Mall-

 
CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!

 
ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…

 
(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)

 

 

Stockings hung by the fire with care-

 
CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!

 
ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..

 

 

Christmas shows on T.V.-

 
CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..

 
ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..

 

 

Leaving Santa cookies and milk-

 
CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!

 
ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!

 

 
Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…

 

 

Christmas Morning-

 
CHILD SEES – I’M SO EXCITED!!!!I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND READY TO HAVE FUN!!!!!

 
ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….

 
So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier.  And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!

 

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Oh my Gosh…LOOK at her Butt!!

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“Oh my gosh… look at her butt!!… Oh my gosh look at her butt!!!”… If you haven’t heard the Anaconda song by now, you might be living under a rock! I actually like the song. I was a teenager of the 80’s, and I did the “I Like Big Butts and I can not Lie” dance more times than I should probably ever admit to. It was a great catchy song. And you could really get your butt moving. Miley Cyrus twerking had nothing on us 80’s ladies doing the big butt dance!

 

 

You know…. I can’t figure it out. What is it about boobs and butts that makes people go CRAZY! Let’s get technical for a minute. You have a human body. A female human body has lumps of fat that hang off of it. Boobs and Butt! That is what they are folks. Lumps of fat! That’s it!! And yet many people go nuts about it.

 

 

I have always believed that the standard of beauty is beyond ridiculous anyway. We start out as young girls playing with plastic barbies that have a figure that no real human could ever accomplish. Then as we get older we have all the magazines and pictures shoved down our throats about what ideal beauty is. And the internet… oh the internet!! It can really make a girl feel defeated in the “why am I not beautiful enough” department.

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I always loved Sir Mix Alot for showing another side of things. Showing that you can have a big butt and it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you are not beautiful. But actually…. the real idea of the song is, …you can have a Big Butt…and Big Boobs, …but “Little in the middle” folks!!! No gut, …no thighs, …and certanily no double chins please! And yet… another standard women can not accomplish.

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The reality is, A woman with BIG boobs and BIG butt most likely has some junk happening in other parts of her body. So now… I need to somehow achieve a big ass, and big boobs but keep everything else really thin. How is that going to work?

 
You have to starve yourself to get thin, then go have big fake boobs added into your chest and a big fake ass added to the back to achieve little in the middle but you got much back! Awesome!!!

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I still can’t figure out what it is though. A guy wants his lady to be trim and slim, but have BIG lumps of fat in the front and in the back. Slim and trim…. with lumps of fat.

 

 

So the point is, it’s okay to be fat….only if the fat ends up in the right places!? What the heck?! And BTW, …can we discuss this over infatuation with an ASS. Folks use their ass to shit out of. That is what an ass does. We release waste. And yet an ass has become part of a sexual thing. It’s only purpose is to shit out the waste from your body. It makes funny noises and funny smells. Mm, sexy. It really doesn’t sound sexual when you put it that way does it???

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Why do guys like chunks of fat? They are drawn to chunks of fat, yet I can’t tell you how many comments I have read from guys putting down fat woman. I am not trying to generalize here… I know that not all guys are like this,  but many guys have an issue with an overweight girl, but they still want those chunks of fat to hold on too.

 

I guess I’m missing something!!

 

We all know about the Kim Kardashian ass that went viral and how she tried to break the internet…with her ASS!!! It’s an ass you guys! AN ASS!!

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Most of the time we use ass to describe someone that is being really stupid and annoying. It’s not a positive term. And yet, …everyone wants ass!!

 
I have my very own set of boobs and ass cheeks and I don’t usually sit around playing with them. It’s just a part of the body. It has it’s functions…just like a toe does!

 

 

I guess I understand that the globes of fat can be mesmerizing to some folks, but if you really just stopped to think about your overreaction to those parts of the body, …you might see it’s really not that big of a deal! And no matter what size your lumps of fat are, big or small, they really are just functional body parts that humans and animals use to survive.

 

The fact that a person tried to break the internet by showing off the thing she shits out of really baffles me!

 

 

The thing that baffles me even more is that it worked! Her ASS broke the Internet!

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We know Buster…..We know…

 

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