It’s the Last Day of Summer!…

It’s the Last Day of Summer!
 
 
It’s the last day of summer! That statement alone can bring up so many different kinds of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, unsure, nostalgic, and excited all at the same time.
 
 
It’s now the time that we all get ready for the crisp days of Autumn that are quickly approaching, which hopefully starts to prepare us for the ever coming LONG, cold days of Winter. The closing of a year and looking back at all the things that took place and happened. Good and bad. The start of a New Year which makes us all feel like we have another chance to do the things that we did not get done, or start something new that we have always wanted to start. It gives us a feeling of refresh. It also at the same time gives us a realization that time is flying on by, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. 
 
 
I have always had a bad relationship with time. First of all, I am NEVER ON TIME!!!! I have tried over the years all the different techniques and tricks to cure myself of this on going ALWAYS LATE thing that I have, but nothing has ever worked. So I have decided that it is just part of my DNA. Time and I will never be friends. Who came up with time anyway?? Who was it that decided we need a number to tell us when we have to be here or there, and we need more numbers to tell us how old we are getting by each passing year, and how we are not getting enough done and just letting time slip through our fingers. It’s offensive really!!! I mean… It’s hard enough just trying to live in the moment and then you have the lingering… “Time is passing” hanging over your head.
 
 
 
Truthfully the gray hair on my head, and the fact that my 10-year-old is as tall as me, and my oldest “baby” is now nowhere near being a baby is reminder enough that time is ticking by. Those numbers just give me stress!!
 
 
 
I do long for the routine that comes with the ending of Summer. I love the routine, but at the same time I dread it. Being on a set routine makes me feel more like I am accomplishing life better, but at the same time it also makes me feel like I am missing it.
 
 
I am missing the random funny craziness that comes with enjoying every moment and not having to rush from one thing to the next. I tend to be on auto pilot with the routine and tend to miss so much more around me.
 
 
It’s the last day of Summer! 
 
 
 
– I look forward to peeing without an audience! And yet what will I do when I run out of toilet paper and am sitting there with no one to bring me some?! Buster has never been good about bringing me things I need! (That’s because he’s a dog and prefers to have ME do everything for him rather than help me out at all) .. you know how dogs can be!! It’s either get up with doodie butt, or sit there in hopes that someone will eventually come into the house and save you… 
 
 
– I look forward to NO FIGHTING!!! No more “He said this to me… she said that to me… Tell her to STOP touching my things, tell him to STOP saying that to me! MOOOOOM he farted and it smells like dead mouse, MOOOOOM she said my farts smell like dead mouse!”… you get the idea! Oh who am I kidding, there is still evenings and weekends and all HOLIDAYS!! And those pesky DAYS OFF from school!!!
 
 
 
– I look forward to having a clean house again! Even if it only lasts for eight hours of the day.  I will roll around on the toy-less floor, and know that there will be NO legos to stab me in the pancreas! 
 
 
– I look forward to not hearing “I’m BORED I’m BORED I’m BORED” every day, ..and yet those I’m boreds are sure to be replaced with “I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework!”..
 
 
I look forward to silence!! Yet I also fear the silence. Because with silence comes thoughts. And with thoughts comes anxiety. So if I could just figure out how to not have thoughts anymore. Or maybe I just need to get better thoughts. How do I get better thoughts?? hmm… 
The last day of Summer… Until next year, when all my people will be just a little bit older, and a little bit taller. Their brand new clothes that we just bought will no longer fit them. They will have better math skills and will have learned about the Boston Tea party. My little girl may want to replace her pink doll house with a black computer desk, and my little boy may want to be called “Charles” now instead of “Charlie”… but maybe not.. Maybe I have some more time… maybe..
 
It’s the last day of Summer!… Goodbye Summer…
I will also look forward to not having tricks like this played on me!! and yet maybe….
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NOPE… I will definitely NOT miss this!!
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The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
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But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

Are YOU ready for Summer??..

It’s that time of year again folks. The end of school. The time when the school decides to do EVERYTHING!!! All the field trips, school picnics and school plays they can cram into a week they will do. When you have multiple children in school, you get to enjoy all of those things multiple times. I personally have been to 3 school programs in the last week alone.
 
 
 
These are all the thoughts that went through my mind at the last school program:
 
 
 
– Hmm…not a lot of people in here. I hope I am in the right building! I hope I’m in the right spot!! I don’t know if this area is reserved for students or something. Where is everybody?? Am I early?? How is that even possible?? I have never been early to anything in my whole life?? Blink, Blink, Blink…
 
 
 
 
-OH MY GOSH!!!! ALL THE PEOPLE! ALL THE PEOPLE  AT ONCE! ALL THE PEOPLE…
 
 
 
 
-No…please don’t sit right here…please!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
 
 
 
 
-Ugh….period cramps?? REALLY??? right now??
 
 
 
 
-I just don’t think I’m a “people person”…. I’m just not liking ALL THE PEOPLE!!!!
 
 
 
 
– the smell though…..Why THAT smell every time!!!
 
 
 
 
 
-To the person with the nervous foot behind me… 
 
 
 
 
-I just don’t understand the smell though…
 
 
 
 
-Awww….the kids are so cute! Look at them dance….awww!! Cutie patootie heads! There is my girl! **waves maniacally and blows kisses…. 
 
 
 
-Do I HAVE to watch all the other classes?!… Is anybody else leaving?? Anybody?? Anybody?? I don’t want to look like an asshole and be the only one to leave! Just one person…anybody??
 
 
 
 
-My BUTT!!!! OUCH!! 
 
 
 
 
-I have to sneeze! Oh crap I’m going to sneeze! It’s coming…It’s coming…I’m going to sneeze and then I’m going to pee….It’s coming!!!! 
 
 
 
 
 
-Don’t look at me like that Mr. guy…I had to sneeze! I’m sorry I didn’t cover in time. I tried!! I really did….actually I was hoping by sneezing on you that you would move to another seat! I’m about sick and tired of having your leg creepily rubbing against mine!
 
 
 
 
-Finally it’s over! Trying to stand up and walk..
– I see the EXIT sign..
 
 
 
-Person standing in front of the EXIT
Made it to the car…
Are YOU ready for Summer??..
 

Outdoor Fuckery ~

I can’t help it…I am just not an outdoor kind of person! I have openly admitted to enjoying the indoors. The indoors offers things like 24 hours of Netflix, air conditioning, toilets, and toilet paper, soap, and comfy furniture to prop up your feet on. I like the indoors. when I go outside things happen. Bad things. I don’t like it.

 

When I was a kid, my parents were really big into camping. That is what we did every summer. The big camping trip!! We would load up all of our clothes and blankets,…pillows and a ton of food, and head out for a week to live in the dirt! The biggest memories I have from that time is this, I remember almost every damn time we went camping I ended up getting poison oak and poison ivy. EVERY DAMN TIME! I got it all over my face one time because I tripped and fell straight into a bush of poison ivy. Good times. I remember getting stung by a bee right in the middle of my foot because I was walking and somehow didn’t see the bee and because I was barefoot it stung me directly in the most sensitive part of my foot. I couldn’t walk on it for a few days because it swelled up. I remember almost drowning in a river because we were swimming in the nasty river and the current became too strong and I lost my footing. I was freaking out as I was heading down the river to who knows where, …but ended up making it to the edge by swimming as hard as I could against the current. Good times! I remember sleeping out under the stars and that all sounds really sweet, except the biggest memory I have of that is finding spiders in my sleeping bag, and them climbing up my legs and biting me. Good times! Then when you get home all of your blankets and pillows and clothes are covered in dirt! So much dirt!!! It takes weeks to clean everything you took on your awesome camping trip. Good times!

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The outdoors and I just do not mix! I know people like to camp, and hike, and swim in dirty nasty rivers with fish poop, …but I’m not one of those folks. When I go camping, I prefer the Holiday Inn with the swimming pool that is filled with chlorine so when all the people are pissing in it, …you know who you are…..then the chlorine is killing all the piss germs.

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Here are my top reasons for hating the outdoors:

 
1) Bird shit! I walked outside the other day and everything in my yard is covered in bird shit! It’s like they try and hit everything. The trampoline, the kids swing set, my table and all the chairs, ..covered in bird shit!!! Little mofo’s use the stuff in the yard as target practice for their poop!!

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2) Mosquitos! They are Blood sucking assholes and we all know it!!!…I walk outside for 3 seconds and I have 5 million of those fuckers all over me. Eating me alive!! And don’t give me the…citronella candle bullcrap. It doesn’t work. And none of that lame stuff on pinterest works either. Like the listerine idea, …or the pinesol idea! Give it up….mosquitoes do not care, they want your blood and they are going to get it….

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3) Bees! They aren’t like the mosquitos. They won’t swarm you the minute you get outside. They wait…sitting in the shadows waiting, until you sit down with your twisted tea and get comfy, .then Boom. They start slowly kind of flying around you at a distance. but you see it, you know it’s there. Then it gets closer and closer until the fucker is buzzing right past your ear, and you either swat at it…or run away…because…you know , bees! 90 percent of the time, those assholes take your drink, they either land on the rim of it, or in it!

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4) Bonfires! Okay listen, …I love a bonfire as much as the next guy, …it’s all super great sitting there watching the fire do the fire-y thing that fire does, …but why is it that smoke chases you? EVERY TIME!!! You are sitting there minding your own business looking at the fire, .and all of a sudden the smoke starts heading straight for your eyes, and your eyes are burning , so you think…I guess I’ll move over to the other side. You pick up your chair and move it to the other side and sure enough…the smoke moves too! It follows you. You move again….the smoke finds you! It doesn’t matter where you go , the smoke will find you, and invade your eye holes!

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5) The Elements! I love the sun, and sitting out in it. But the truth is, …if it is any hotter than 72 degrees or any colder than 72 degrees it is just uncomfortable. Anything above 80 degrees and you have sweaty butt crack and boob sweat for miles! It’s sticky and sweaty and all around yucky. Anything colder than 65 degrees and  now you need to go back in to get your sweater because you are getting the chills, …but then you need to change into pants because shorts just aren’t working at this point….and the flip flops are not giving you enough coverage so you need to pull out the socks and sneakers. At this point….why even go outside! Just stay in….it’s too much work!

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6) The Wind! Have you ever been sitting outside with your plate of BBQ and all of a sudden the wind picks up. Now you have all kinds of things happening. Not only is your hair blowing all over your face and sticking to your face because you are covered in sunscreen and bug spray, but all the crap that is blowing in the wind is now sticking to your macaroni salad and hot dog. As you try and adjust yourself and fix your plate of food, almost always a damn bug flies right in your throat! WHY????….why bugs???

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7) It’s been a long winter! My legs have not seen the light of day in many months. So now, here I am….in all my white legs glory for all the neighbors to see. And believe me…they look! They are sitting in there yard mowing away, and BOOM….what is that blinding light that is hurting my eyes…Oh sorry…it’s just my white ass legs!! Blinding all the people with my white legs. Well, that could be a plus of the outdoors I guess…

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8) The Yard Work! I HATE yard work! HATE IT!!! I know there are those folks that love to grow things and take care of their yards, and do all the fancy planting of things, …I am not one of these people. As I have said before, …there are only a few things I am good at. And taking care of plants and flowers is not one of them. I am a murderer of flowers. No matter what I do…they always end up dead. I don’t have one of those green fingers.  So keeping up on the yard is not my strong point. The husband will mow the grass, …but I have these neighbors that spend every waking moment on their yards.They are serious about it! Every section of the yard is perfectly manicured, and they get all pissy when mine isn’t. Well too damn bad! Lawns are not something I really give a shit about. Mostly because in 3 months it is going to snow and all that work will have been for NOTHING!!! I’m over it…

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So there you have it….All the reason that the indoors are a happy place to be!

 

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And here is a video that I made about Summer Vacation!~ 🙂

LOUISE ALLAN

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