Brother Husbands…no I don’t think so…

Let me start by saying anyone can do whatever the hell they want to. If you want to have 10 wives, or 10 husbands, have at it.  I have watched the show sister wives before, and I am not going to lie to you… I think the dude in that show is a Schmo. Maybe that is not right for me to judge….. but the show I happened to be watching was the one where his wife asked him how he would feel if she wanted more husbands and his response was so friggin ridiculous. He said: “It’s just not something I’m comfortable imagining,” he told her. “The vulgarity of you with two husbands or another lover sickens me.”

 

Real nice! I wonder what his wives are thinking when he is spending the night with one of the wives and the other ones have to sleep alone. I wonder if they are at all “sickened” by it… or think it is “vulgar.” He wants acceptance for his belief, but acts as if it is such a crazy idea, one woman and multiple men, yet there are some cultures where women marry more than one man, and it is their belief system. Though these cultures may be few, by saying it is vulgar, he is inadvertently calling those tribes barbaric and vulgar because it isn’t part of his belief. How can a close-minded individual expect the world to be open-minded about his beliefs when he constantly offends the beliefs of others?

 

AHHH the hypocrisy of it all!! Anywho…. I have a list for you. This is MY list of why I could NEVER have my own tribe of brother husbands. ONE dude is enough for this lady!~

 

1 – The indescribable amount of dirty socks that would be piled up right NEXT to the laundry basket and not IN the laundry basket!!! The mound would be excessive by any standards of decent living.

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2 – Can you imagine the fights for the remote control? It would be like attending a lion territorial fight in the middle of the African desert. 

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3 – I would have to make a recording of my voice saying “Put out the garbage bin… it’s garbage night.” There is NO WAY I am going to repeat myself 10 million and 2 times saying that. Ahh who am I kidding… I already say it 10 million and 3 times and I have one husband. 

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4 – The amount of times I would get asked “Is dinner ready?” would make me go insane! NOTHING!!! Do you people hear me? There is NOTHING for your damn dinner!!!! 

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5 – The toilets!!!! I don’t really think I need to elaborate on this one. Okay…. I’ll elaborate! The pissing thing…. and the toilet seat thing!!!! With a bunch of dudes hanging around… that toilet would be a NIGHTMARE!!! 

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6 – I wouldn’t be able to bend over anywhere in the house. With all those dudes hanging around, for certain I would end up getting poked every time I had to pick up a toy, or sock off the floor. Sorry if that one went too far… but can we just get real here please! Think about it!!

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7 – Behind closed doors I imagine you would get a lot of “I’m the biggest aren’t I??” “Mine is the biggest and scariest isn’t it?” Side note- what is it with wanting to be the biggest and scariest??? Someone please explain this to me. Your junk is not the Kraken guys!!!

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8 – Sorry to the folks that will be offended by this one… number 8 reason brother husbands would suck at a massive level of suckage>>>>> BlOW JOBS<<<<<< see what I did there??;;;;( Massive level of suckage)…get it??…suckage….massive level…okay never mind!! Don’t even act like you don’t know what I am talking about! 

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And that’s all I got right now.  BUT I do have another video for you. My mom and I went shopping and I figure I would let you all see exactly what that is like. ;)~

 

 

Expectation vs. Reality…

Expectation vs. Reality. You all know what I am talking about right? You have a wedding that you are suppose to be a bridesmaid in. You have it marked on your calendar, you already have the dress, you have been eating salads and light yogurt for 4 weeks now, and you even went to the hair salon and had your roots dyed the day before the wedding. In your mind you see yourself walking down the aisle fitting fabulously in your dress. Even though the dress is turquoise with a magenta collar, you know that eating all those salads has paid off and your hair is looking great and you will be fine. You know that you are going to be running into people you haven’t seen in years, and they are for certain going to be so enamored at how awesome you look. So you get to the place, your friend who is getting married looks beautiful, and you head to the changing room to put on your dress. BUT… the fucking dress won’t go up over your hips. So you try over the head…. which fucks up your hair completely. You get it on, only to find out it won’t zip up. What the fuck!! All those damn salads and yogurt… why is this not zipping? You have to suck the life out of your lungs to get it to actually zip and you know that if you breathe in even just a little bit, the sides of that dress are splitting. Great! And you have to pee! AWESOME!! So you very carefully hover over the toilet trying not to move around too much so the dress doesn’t bust open, and in the process, piss all down your leg. You actually got some piss on the dress too. You dry up as best as you can with toilet paper O.O! You get ready to walk down the aisle, and you are 3rd in line. The other bridesmaids start walking, and then it is your turn. You are walking with the brides little brother. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, and she needed to place him somewhere. The thing is… you just saw him digging in his nose. Which could be part of the reason he is still without a girlfriend. Anyway… he grabs your hand and you know damn well it was just up his nose. ICK! You both start walking and for some reason you feel a breeze near your ass. When you went to the bathroom, you stuffed the back of your dress in your underwear trying to keep it from falling in the toilet, and completely forgot. Only now as people are staring at you, and the other bridesmaids are making funny gestures do you realize that the back of your dress is still stuffed in your underwear. Cool! This is an example of expectation vs.. reality. No this did not happen to me, well… not exactly like that. Okay… yes I pissed on myself, and yes, the dress wouldn’t go over my ass…. but I remembered to pull the dress out from my underwear. And FYI… her little brother needs to keep his damn fingers out of his nose. He is like 35. Anyway… I created this list of expectation vs. reality for your viewing pleasure. So here ya go.

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Taking the kids out to a restaurant:

 

Expectation – We all sit so nicely and quietly through a wonderful dinner. The waitress brings the kids their drinks and food and the kids politely say thank you so much. She will comment on how polite my kids are because she never sees that. My kids eat the food on their plate, and tell me how great it all is, because I always choose the best restaurants. We have wonderful conversations about how the day was… and the kids tell me how they ate all their food so no need for ice cream afterwords because they are satisfied. We all happily leave the restaurant.

 
Reality – We ask the person for a booth because it seems a little easier to control these crazy people (my kids) in a booth. They take us to a booth. I am telling the kids what is on the menu, and they HATE everything. They hate this restaurant, they hate the food, they aren’t hungry, and they want to go home! AWESOME!!! Because 5 minutes ago in the car, they were fucking starving!! So we order the food, and the whole time we are waiting my kids are whining that the food isn’t coming fast enough. Finally it arrives, and they don’t like it.

 

Me: “Try it”

 

Kid: “Super whine… I don’t like it… it looks mushy, and gooshy… it looks like boogers, I don’t like it”

 

ME:

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Oh and big mistake on choosing a booth….they keep turning around to talk to the people in the booth behind us, and annoying them.Dropping food on their side. There is more food on the floor, the table, and the other people than in my kids mouth! AWESOME!!

Going on a date with the husband:

 
Expectation – I’m dressed to the nines… looking pretty damn hot if I do say so myself. He’s looking hot too! We have the babysitter lined up and she actually arrives on time. The kids are getting along so well, that we are able to slip out the door because no one is fighting and hanging off our leg. We head out to a super fancy restaurant and we fill up on margaritas and hors d’oeuvres. We make it home and the sitter has the kids asleep in their beds. So we have sex all night long….:)

 
Reality – I’m dressed to the nines… looking pretty damn hot if I do say so myself. He’s looking hot too! As I come out of my bedroom, my son wraps his arms around me and his hands are covered in a substance that is sticky and gross and now it is all over me. I wipe it off as best as I can because I have nothing else clean to wear so I end up having a huge nasty stain that stays sticky all night. Awesome! The baby sitter is 30 minutes late which means we can’t make it to the fancy restaurant we had planned. I guess it’s the pancake house for us.!  The kids are freaking out because they want to come and they are fighting and screaming at each other and hanging off of us and all we can do is run for it. Seriously…. RUN FOR IT!!! Not only did the pancake house suck… but we have to stop at Walmart on the way home because the sitter called and said that they ran out of toilet paper and the toilet plugged and she does not know what to do because the 6 yr. old has to go poop, and there is nothing to wipe with. I say use a coffee filter… she says there are none. Walmart on a date night… awesome! We make it home to ALL the kids still awake, and still screaming at each other… so NO SEX TONIGHT!!! Awesome!

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Putting on my skinny jeans:

 
Expectation – Damn these fit so good. Look at my ass in these bad boys. I am friggin HOT!! Look at my ass in this mirror… (making sure to shake it over and over)

Reality- FUUUUUUCCKKKK!!!!

 

Helping in my kids classroom:

 
Expectation – Me: Hi kids, I’m here to read you a story.

 
Kids: Yaaaay, we love stories. (all kids sitting quietly just listening to me read to them.)

 
Reality – Me: Hi kids, I’m here to read you a story.

 
Kids: You brought that story last time. Is it boring? What is it about?

 
Me: Well, let’s all listen and we will find out.

 
As we are sitting and I am reading, one kid farts so loud the whole class starts laughing. Another kid has his finger up his nose so far I swear he pulled out brain matter… and then of course he touches me… EVERY DAMN TIME!! Another kid keeps untying my shoe and trying to re-tie it back up. Dude… leave the shoe and listen to the story!

Going to the gym:

 
Expectation – I have on my yoga pants, and sneakers… I am ready to get in a good workout. I am going to use the eliptikal, and then maybe the punching bag, and I will try and get some running on the track in. This is going to be the best workout of my life. Maybe I will even take a Zumba class and shake my bootie!

 
Reality – Oh… They have pumpkin lattes out now…. I’m just going to get a small one. “Yes, can I have a 24 oz pumpkin latte with a raspberry and chocolate scone, and throw in that chocolate chip muffin there. It looks really good.” 🙂

Going to Walmart:

EXPECTATION:

REALITY:

They are exactly the same. Yes..you will see someone’s crack. Yes…you will smell something that you can’t place, but you know it is bad. Yes..you will step in something gross that may never actually come off of your shoe. ( it’s never a good idea to wear open toe shoes to walmart) and Yes…you will witness someone doing something with a motorized cart. It can be a number of different things…but you will see it!

 

There is also this. I made another video. It seems I have become addicted to making videos for you…so check this out. Expectation vs. Reality…

Welcome to Crazy Town…would you like some pie?..

Okay…I got this idea from watching a video from the Indie chicks. This is a link to their website and you should definitely check them out. You can click HERE! They are bad ass in every sense of the word, and I love this website. They made a hilarious video about search terms, and I got the idea that I could probably write an entire post about the crazy that is typed into search engines that brings people straight to my blog. I can not even believe some of this stuff. There have been days where I am almost baffled that a person typed this in. I should have known right off the git-go that putting Vagina in my title was asking for trouble. But I never in my wildest….okay…maybe my “wildest” but surely not my normal….okay,  I don’t have “normal dreams”…but what I am trying to say here is….. let’s just get on with it, and you will see what I am trying to say. I’ll start with some of the more ” normal” terms that have been typed into search engines that bring you directly to my blog. And then we can approach some of the weirder ones. I will leave the real nasties for the end because there is nothing like leaving you with some images in your head that you can never un-see again! ( There are some I completely left out because I don’t even want to re-type that kind of crazy!) here we go..

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1. Good junk food/junk food/ Junk food confessions ~ Not too weird right. No big deal….someone typed in Junk food and came up with my blog. I wrote a post about Junk food confessions so there ya go.

 
2. Reason for cleaning toilet and surroundings, cleaning toilets/toilet water splash back. ~ Yeah…I get it..
okay…these are super boring, so I am going in for the real crazy shit! I am typing them EXACTLY as they were typed into the search engine. Misspelled words and all. Just know that none of this comes from me personally! I am crazy….but I even have a limit. Italics is my thoughts on the whole situation.

 
3. ooopsi i saw my sisters nice ass ~ First of all why are you looking at your sister’s ass, and more importantly…why are you thinking it is nice?

 
4. wife pussy peanut butter and dog ~ There is a whole lot going on here at one time….multitasking at it’s best I guess.

 
5. spray painted vagina ~ might be fun…

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6. which whole is a dogs vagina ~ ummm

 
7. road side peeing my butt froze to the car story ~ I would like to read that story!

 
8. deadliest vagina ~ Not to be confused with Deadliest catch…or it could be, I mean…crabs are crabs right?..

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9. i became a whore for my husband ~ anddddd???? We all have our whore moments don’t we…

 
10. dick and cunt ~ go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peas and carrots, or cereal and milk, or penis and pussy…..

 
10. what do i say when my husband calls me a cunt repeatedly ~ FUCK OFF!!!

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11. girl letting a chiweenie lick her pussy ~ look away now….seriously….look the fuck away….

 
12. dwarfism vaginal opening ~ wrong website folks…your looking for Web MD! ( or wikipedia, you can probably find some pictures there.)

 
13. you are a douche ~ yes…I can be…( I wrote a whole post about how not to be one HERE .)

 
14. i+love+my+mom’s+vagina ~ Than you may need something stronger than google to give you an answer…

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15. going to pee my pants” “peed” ~ I understand!

 
16. can’t stop a husband from fucking whores means what ~ means you GOTS TO GO because he’s a fuckface!

 
17. my spouse is a souse ~ what does that mean? Seriously…I don’t know what that means…

 
18. sopping wet wife time ~ then why are you on google?…Go get it..

 
19. mum promist to be my slut stories ~ O.O what ISN’T wrong with this is the question…

 
20. and last but certainly not least – fun cunt ~ Why yes…I am! Thanks for noticing…

 
21. I lied! There is one more – is it true that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches feel like a vagina ~ ummmmm, possibly, although I’ve heard cherry pie holds a close second…

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There you have some of the weirdest crap people have typed into search engines that brought them directly to me! As long as I can give back to the community that is all that matters! Just remember, be careful what you type into Google because that shit will haunt you forever. Happy internet searching folks!! ~

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“It was the night that the lights went out in My fucking house!”

It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia. I realize that I am way aging myself with this post. “It was the night that the lights went out in Georgia” is a song that was recorded in 1972 by Vickie Lawrence. Some of you might remember her as “mama” from the 1986 show Mama’s family. She was also on the Carol Burnett show in the early days. The song was then re-done by Reba Mcintyre in 1991. I believe they also made a 1981 film, starring Kristy McNichol, Dennis Quaid, Mark Hamill, which was very loosely inspired by the Vicki Lawrence song of the same name (it shares almost no plot elements with the original song). In 1973, Tanya Tucker recorded a different version (on an album of the same name) and her altered lyrics were used as the basis for the plot line of the movie, which is not the same as the story of the original song. New lyrics related to the plot of the film were written. Okay… ALL that to be the opening for “It was the night that the lights went out in my fucking house!” Not loosely based on or anything like the songs or movie at all. I just thought the title sounded good. The other night someone hit a power line nearby, and pretty much knocked everyone off the grid for about 6 hours. It felt like 3 days. Go ahead…. call me a pussy! I am. I proudly wear that title. Well…. I prefer to go by Vagina, but let’s be real… it’s basically the same thing. Let me start off by saying I am officially a city girl through and through that lives in the middle of NOWHERE! I grew up in the city, and lived right next to the ocean most of my life… then we moved to Montana. I LOVE Montana. I had my babies in Montana and am raising them here in the country, and it is beautiful, and I consider this home now. BUT my heart will always be in California. I am a Bay Girl at heart. I am not so great with the outdoorsy country life. I may have said this before in another post… True Story: I took a quiz on Facebook about what is the best kind of tent to use when you go camping and I got The Hilton. This is my truth folks. So, a city girl living in the middle of Montana and the lights go out for 6 hours = pussy! It starts out with me on the toilet. Yep… Next thing I hear… The husband comes to the door of the bathroom and says “Honey…the power went out!” It’s a good thing I married him because shitting in the dark wasn’t clue enough that the power went out.

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Side Note- Why is there always the person that announces when the power goes out? Chances are most people can already tell. So, I finish my business and head out to the living room where the scene is something you would see out of an apocalyptic end of the world movie. 4 kids huddled around a computer screen like they were looking at the last piece of bread on the planet. It was my oldest daughters laptop and it was giving off some light. They were reminiscent of the bugs that all swarm around a light pole. The husband was looking for candles and flashlights, while tripping over every damn toy on the floor. It went something like this… “I can’t find the… damn I stepped on something…. do you know where… OUCH!! what the flip was that…. Are the candles in the…. CRAP I think that was a lego!”

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We have been having a heat wave of misery around these parts, and the air conditioner has been on non stop since June 29th. It is hot as fried hell outside these days. The power went off and within 30 minutes it raised 3 degrees in the house. Listen…I openly admit to my lack of survival skills. I have none. Like none. ZERO survival techniques. I have watched Duel Survival and I saw the guy drink his own piss. NOPE…I will make my amends in life, and say my goodbyes and take a nice trip to the after life paradise before I will drink my own piss. When I get there I will be drinking a Mai Tai poolside while looking down at the folks drinking their own piss.

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But… I got off subject again. I do that! You should see what it’s like to have a conversation with me in real life. O.O So the husband is tripping over things and looking for candles, the kids think the world is ending, and I am just worried about the house getting hot. When we lose power in our house, nothing works. Like you can’t flush toilets, and there is no running water. The husband had called the power company and they informed us it is going to be a while before we get power back. We decide to hop in the car and head to the store to get some water just in case it’s off for a really long time. Plus sitting in the dark house isn’t fun anymore. I realized through this experience how dependent we are on electricity. You don’t realize it when you are going about your day and just doing your thing, but once you are literally off the grid, you get a pretty good idea of how dependent you actually are on things. We all dropped our lighted electronics to jump in the car and get some water and red vines at the store… because how the fuck are you going to get through a black out without red vines? Don’t even try and argue with me on this!! It seems everyone else had the same idea, because they were all buying loads of water. I got the family size package of Red Vines though because this blackout could last for a very long time and I need to make sure I am properly stocked up. We make it home and upon opening the front door and all of us entering at the same time in a dark house we all basically fell on top of each other. Like a dog pile . Tripping over each other and tripping over shoes. Someones face always ends up in someones ass when that happens. Then the expected.- The 6 yr old has to go potty. But this is how that conversation went.

 
The 6 yr. old: “I have to go potty, and my tummy doesn’t feel good.”

 
Me: “What do you mean it doesn’t feel good? Are you going to throw up?”

 
The 6 yr.old: “Maybe…or have diarrhea.”

 
Me: “You realize we can’t flush the toilet, right?.”

 
The 6 yr. Old: *shrug!

 
Okay… not only can we not flush that situation… we can’t wash our hands after. Side Note- Which is one of my top reasons for hating camping. The washing hands thing!!

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The kid goes to the bathroom and now we have to use half the water we just bought to have her wash her hands because I DO NOT trust a 6 yr. old’s hands. Especially after a “bad tummy.”
The house is now 100 degrees inside even with the windows open, it’s dark as fuck and I am miserable and completely aware of my inability to survive the apocalypse. Basically I’m fucked!! Listen, I realize people of the past lived this way for centuries… but I am weak. Do you hear me? I like air conditioning, and running water, and the internet. Finally I just make a big bed in the living room out of pillows and blankets and just let the kids crash there.

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The 8 yr old: “Can we have popcorn?”

 
Me: “That would be great but I can’t make popcorn without the microwave.”

 
Sadly, this made me realize that I am lost without my microwave. I know there are folks that do the popcorn on the stove and I say more power to them. But if I can open up a bag and stick it in the micro then 2 minutes later I have a nice big bowl of popcorn, why would I want to stand over a stove and try and pop corn. I remember when I was a kid, my parents were so excited about the new fancy popcorn machine they bought. This thing had a little cup on top to melt the butter and once you put the popcorn in the machine and it starts popping then you dump the butter in it. That machine took forever to make the popcorn and we would sit there just waiting and waiting and then it would be one kernel…. then another kernel… then 2 kernels. It was torture. Plus the popcorn always tasted like packing peanuts. Just styrofoam-y. At least with the microwave popcorn, you are getting an even distribution with the butter.

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Finally, the kids settle down and fall asleep and at about 4 in the morning the power came back on. Which meant everything that was on when it went off blasted back on in full force. Talk about shitting your pants. We all wake up thinking someone bombed the house because the TV was on and for some reason loud as frick, and the alarm on the house that is for the septic system is blazing loud. Not only are we awake now, I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood is up. Fun times!! Well… at least the air conditioner is working again. Through this whole experience I learned a lot about myself. I am dependent on the finer things in life like air conditioning and internet, and microwave popcorn. And I am a wussy, pussy… but you can call me Vagina!

 

I have to say two things…1) Can you believe I used 2…count them 2 pictures from Lord of the Rings in this post? and 2) I am not a super fan of country music but you have to watch this video…seriously…It’s one of those things that you just keep watching and your really not sure why, you just can’t look away.

Recipes for the Seriously Shitty cook!

Let me start this by saying I suck at things. Not everything….but when it comes to making people food…I really, really suck! Like, immensely suck. I am not good at the whole…making dinner and sitting at the table to have a wonderful sit down, “thing.” I have read blogs, and articles upon articles of  how to become more organized and have structure. I lack structure at an extreme level. I am the first to admit that I have this issue. I go through periods of trying to be more structured and have meal times and bed times and all of that crap…I am just not good at it. Listen, we all have our things, right? Well, maybe not…it could just be me. When my kids are hungry, I feed them. When they are tired , they lay down. I’m just not good at designated times for things. I do not let my kids eat ice cream for breakfast….although I wrote a whole post about my sucky breakfast making skills and you can read that HERE: I am not so sure that eating ice cream for breakfast is really any different than having chocolate milk for breakfast. I used to read Martha Stewart blogs and try so hard to achieve that bullshit. It’s just not who I am. I am really good at hugging and snuggling my kids. Tickling my kids and reading to them. I just am not good at having schedules for every damn thing they do. I also am not good at dusting. Which is why I refuse to have nick knacks floating around my house…because I friggin hate dusting and I am not going to spend my life dusting some shelf full of unicorns and butterflies. My decor is more reminiscent of a day care center sadly. The only pictures on my walls are usually put up with tape, and remain at the mid level of the entire house. It works for me because another thing I really suck at is hanging pictures. I have all the intentions in the world to do it…but it just never happens. So I was thinking about how you can find a shit load of recipes on line and in books for mom’s that don’t have time, or that aren’t that great in the kitchen. But can you find recipes that are realistic. I mean…for the really shitty cook. Like I am talking….Super shitty cook here!!! That is me! I’ve never actually read an entire recipe all the way through. I usually get bored about half way through it and when it starts having things like all spice and turmeric, then I lose interest. So I have a compilation of some ideas here for the really, super shitty cook:

First of all let’s talk about staples. They are a must for the super crappy cook. There are certain things you must always have on hand. Always have the Gigantor Costco container of Pop tarts. There is no way you can get through a week without this staple. There are those days when the kids are like…” I’m hungry”…and you just got out of bed, walk to the kitchen to realize that some schmo forgot to pick up coffee at the store even though you called them and texted them 5 times that they needed to pick up coffee but did they remember?….NO! Well, the only option you have at this point just to make it through the morning is to pull out the gigantor box of pop tarts. They may not get them toasted though. Come on, don’t judge me….we are talking NO coffee here!

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Another staple to always have on hand is Hot Pockets…also known as Diarrhea Pockets. Listen…I am NOT an advocate of these nasty things…but sometimes…it just has to be. Just make sure you are near a toilet when you ingest this product. Trust me…

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Okay here is a few go to recipes that I use because I can NOT cook to save my life. In other words….if I ever get lost out in the woods…I am bear food!!

So we have Cereal and Milk: You really want 60% cereal to 40% milk because if you do the 50% cereal and 50% milk…you will surely end up with too much milk at the end and then you have the choice of having to get up to go and get more cereal (unless you thought ahead and brought the box with you)…or you drink the milk straight out of the bowl. It’s just easier to get it right the first time and do the 60/40. It works out to be 100% goodness in the end.

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Again another staple that is really good to have around is the gigantor costco box of oatmeal. It has lots of different flavors to choose from. Kids are hungry….you actually have some coffee so your day is going pretty good, you figure you could get out the apron this morning and go for the Big Box of oatmeal. You add some water…pop that shit in the micro, and set it for 2 minutes. When it beeps….you have yourself a full fledged meal! The best part about it is..why just have apples and cinnamon when you can add in some maple brown sugar to the mix and have a party in your tummy!

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There is always the traditional Peanut butter and Jelly, but on occasion, I like to get a little crazy with it and put in some bananas. Now you added some fruit and that shit just got bumped up to healthy! woop.

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I always have graham crackers laying around somewhere, and for some reason marshmallows always end up in my cupboard too. You better believe on any occasion you could find chocolate in my house. You might find it stashed in some strange places…but you will always find it. Maybe hiding on the bottom of my junk drawer, or in the back of my sock drawer, ..or possibly between my mattress, or even under my bed to name a few. We also have that stash in the medicine cabinet, oh and that corner right under the stairs that no one ever notices, plus…um….the husbands underwear drawer. Listen…before you judge me, NO ONE is going in his underwear drawer so that is where the condoms hang out, and my extra stash of chocolate! Anyway… I am sure you all can figure out that these ingredients come together to form Heaven on Earth!!! That’s right….Smores bitches!! You got some smores with this! Seriously….just eat this how ever you want because it doesn’t even matter. Some people feel like you have to heat up the marshmallow and put it all in a neat little sandwich. I am more of a just eat it right out of the bag kind of girl.

smores

Another staple I usually keep around is cheese. This is basically because the dude I am married to will eat cheese IN and/ or ON anything. No exaggeration with this. The husband will take a hunk of cheese, slap a piece of bread around it…and eat it. That’s it….no sauce added, no lettuce put in…Just a hunk of cheese. He will put a hunk of cheese on bread, on spaghetti, on any tortilla, on a pop tart, on a cracker, on a bowl of rice, on a bowl of anything, on…okay, you get the idea. It doesn’t matter what this dude is eating…it has a hunk of cheese sitting right on the top of it.

These next recipes are really ridiculous. More for the “Daring Foodie” types in your life. You always have those people that love the sweet and salty mixture, right? So I thought of this one all on my own. You heat up your hot dogs….and throw some chocolate sauce right over the top. Now you have your dinner AND dessert all in one, and you get your sweet and salty fix. It sounds nasty… but you never know until you try. I haven’t tried this exact mixture myself…but I would. Due to it involving chocolate. I do not enjoy hot dogs….but throw some chocolate on that bitch and I AM IN!!

hotdog

This one is actually really really good, and I learned it from my 8 yr. old. He was taking a class at his school all about nutrition which ultimately made him realize how sucky I seriously am at cooking….but anyway, he was bringing home these recipes that even I could do. This one has literally 2 ingredients and is friggin delicious. You take 1 container of vanilla yogurt, and add in one cup of peanut butter. Mix it up and go to town on that shit. Dip anything you want in it. Veggies, fruit, chicken, ham, friggin bacon even. It really is good and pretty much idiot proof.

yummy

So I hope you enjoyed the recipes, and maybe found something you can use or that will benefit you. Yeah…I realize that is ridiculous…but I hope it was fun to read anyway. At least you know that without a doubt…YOU are a much better cook than I am! I may not be able to cook, but I can do the running man like nobody has ever seen before. I own that shit!!!

the-running-man-dance

To douche or Not to douche…that is the question

10 things you might be doing that makes you a douche, and if you are doing them…you should stop right now! So you will not be a douche anymore. I realize that everyone has douchie tendencies. I have been known to be very douchie on many occasions, but I really do try and make a conscience effort to be less of a douche…if possible. It’s not always possible and I understand that. There are some situations that call for absolute douche-ness and at extreme levels. I mean, walking through Walmart, there is no way not to be a douche bag. That place sucks ass in every possible way. If you went into Walmart with full intent to be a nice person, trust me…by the time you leave, you will have transformed into a bonafide douche bag. Anywho…I get it, I really do. Sometimes you just have to be assy and douchie, and shitty, and bitchy, but there are times when I am just going along with my day, minding my own business, and BOOM…I come face to face with Mister Douche-Nougat himself, and it always turns my day into shit. So why not smile at someone instead, or just be a douche bag…whatever. Anyway…Most likely if you have done or are doing any of these things, you are being a douche! So stop it!!!!

 

1.  Your driving through the parking lot looking for a place, you see about 5 open spots and figure this is good, no one next to me and I can get in and out quickly! Literally the second you pull in, mister douche-mobile parks 2 inches from your door. Now mind you, there is 5 open spots next to you. 5 open spots!!!!! And douche-mobile chooses 2 inches from your door. Thanks douche.

 walmartspace

 

2. The kids are at grandma’s house. You are smack dab in the middle of a Doctor Who marathon,( Yes..I am a nerd) and you made homemade margaritas for the event! You realize that you have everything you need but the margarita mix. So off to the store you go. Now because you know exactly where the margarita mix is, this trip is literally going to take 3 minutes tops. You fly to the aisle you need, grab the mix, conveniently passing some ding dongs and grabbing a box because seriously, ding dongs go amazingly well with margaritas! Anyway…off to find an open cashier and there are 5 million people in every single line.  EVERY SINGLE ONE!!!! So you see the sign open on the 10 items or less, and you head over with your margarita mix and ding dongs, and Douchie McDoucherton cuts you off with their overflowing cart that has about 3 billion tons of shit in it. Um…excuse me….that is more than 10 items douche head!!!!!

 

 cart

 

3. I just finished cleaning my house. It is so sparkly and shiny. I just want to roll around on the nice clean floor that has NO legos on it. Breathe the clean into my lungs….and all of sudden “ding dong”…and that is not the good kind of ding dongs my friends! It is more like the ring of death. You tip toe over to the door to see who it is, and realize they are all watching you through the window that you left open.(dammit)..It is sweet wonderful friends and all 5 of their kids! But they never called. Why??? Because they NEVER DO!!!! I love them with all my heart…but fucking pick up the phone and give me a warning. Something…anything…a friggin SOS sign or a smoke signal. I could have been naked on my couch eating a tub of frosting! So here is my beautiful friends, with their 5 kids that come in screaming at the top of their lungs looking for my crew of kids and then they all meet up right in the middle of the house and destroy the fuck out of it! And I am not even getting into the toilets at this point….I love you my friend…(super douchie move though) A clean house is OFF limits to visitors that don’t call first.

 smokelogo

 

4.  I know I am going to get some people in a flurry with this one, but it just has to be said. I live in Montana. I LOVE Montana! It’s beautiful, and there is lots of nature around to admire. The thing is, deer in Montana are pretty much like rats in New York City. They are EVERYWHERE. It doesn’t matter what road you are driving on, you will see a deer. Here you are driving along the road, minding your own damn business, trying to get home because frankly you are sick of being in the car and you want to get home, but you can’t because all of a sudden the douche hat in front of you screeches on their brakes which causes you to screech on your brakes and every other car behind you now has to screech on their brakes because a fucking “majestic” deer was about 500 yards out in the middle of some friggin field. They are now rolling down their window and pulling out binoculars! Side note: Who drives around with binoculars at all times in your possession unless you are stalking someone?! Anyway… “Oh my gosh..it’s a deer, so we need to cause a traffic jam and make all these people see the stupid ass deer even though 3 deer just ran in front of my car and almost caused me to wreck about 3 miles back.” But yeah…I’ll sit here and wait for you to look at the mountain rat and watch it eat grass for 10 minutes!!! Put your douche hat back on….get in your car, and drive away my friend….just drive away…..

 deerheads

 

5. Okay..this one is something my husband does….a lot!! I wrote a whole post about how much this annoys me when he does it…you can read that here :  https://hdfloyd73.wordpress.com/2013/04/02/my-husband-is-a-whore-just-a-whore/  When your driving along and the guy in front of you is going really, really slow and you have somewhere to be because you have this thing called a life, and you don’t want to spend it tooling along the road looking at the stupid deer, so you decide to pass the slow driver, but you can’t. Why you ask?…Because there is a douche wad from douche town driving like twinsies with the slow guy, but he is in the fast lane…also known as the “passing lane!” Really dude????….There is a reason they call that the passing lane…or fast lane….because you are suppose to go fast in it…or move the fuck out of the way so people can pass your slow ass!! But no….we got twinsies, side by side, let’s drive together crap going on. It drives me nuts when my husband does this. If he is using cruise control, nothing will get him to stop! I mean nothing! He will literally go side by side for miles to keep from stopping his cruise control. It’s an addiction..I’m sure of it. Anyway….It’s a douchie move and if you do that…you shouldn’t. Because then someone somewhere will be surely calling you a douche! 

 roadrage72_7

 

6. This one is not as huge as some of the other ones, but it still is pretty douchie when someone does it. You know when you are walking right behind someone, and you both are walking into a building and yet they go in first and let the door shut directly in your face. No acknowledgment, no caring in the world…just lets the door hit you smack dab in your face. And you only realize at the last second that they are pulling the douche move and so you don’t really have time to catch the door before it hits you. You try and grab it and almost always either get your hand smooshed, or some part of your body gets hit in this process. Let’s not even talk about how dumb you probably looked to anyone who was watching. Hey…thanks douche face….for the door slam when you damn well knew I was right behind you!! Listen…I understand when you get stuck holding a door open and 5 million people all start running through it at once and not ONE person takes it from you that sometimes, you need to pull out drastic measures and just let the damn thing go. I get it! But if it’s one guy and they know you are behind them…is it going to kill them to hold it open for what will probably take 2 seconds of time out of their very busy douchie life?

 cat-squeezing-through-door

 

7. “You look really thin today.” O.O ” So how many months pregnant are you?” O.O ” That’s how you got your haircut?” O.O  ” WOW…you look really tired .” O.O  “I can see how someone like you would think that.” O.O “You look really nice in this lighting.” O.O “You have such a pretty face.” O.O  These are those beautiful back handed compliments that I know we have all been the wonderful recipients of. By now everyone should know that if you do not know if someone is pregnant or not…DON’T ASK!! It’s just douchie! 

 backhanded-compliment

 

8. Okay…let me start this one by saying I love electronics as much as the next guy…but these people that buy the newest, fanciest electronic gadget out on the market and feel the need to shove this thing in your face for 20 minutes really needs to take a class in non doucherie. You know who you are. Last week you had the Ipod 5 thousand, but this week they just came out with the shiny new Ipod 5 million and you were the first one in line at Best Buy to get it. You set up a tent and slept there for 3 days, pissing in a bucket but you got it! Now you feel the need to show this thing off to every damn person that you come in contact with. The thing is…most people don’t care, and if they are anything like me, probably about 60% don’t even understand what you are showing them. But now we have to sit there for 20 minutes while you show off your Ipod 5 million that not only does awesome tricks, but can make you breakfast too. COOL…not! It’s a douche move… Plus you can never give me back that 20 minutes and usually your breath stinks and you happen to be a close talker! Just saying…

 Old-Cell-Phone-Douglas1

 

9. This one is a big one for me because for some reason, I seem to attract these people and they drive me NUTS!! Listen…first of all, I am a mom and I completely understand being proud of your kid. Be Proud! Be so happy about your kid’s accomplishments. You absolutely should. And you should share it too. Where it becomes an issue is when you feel the need to tell everyone else how much better YOUR kid is than everyone else’s. I promise you with every inch of my soul that NO ONE thinks someone else’s kid is better than their own kid. It’s just not going to happen. You can sit there and go on and on about how smart, and beautiful, and brilliant, and talented your kid is, and I can guarantee that 99 % of the people that you are bragging to are rolling their eyes inside of their head. No one ever thinks to themselves….Wow, I am so glad she told me how much smarter her kid is than everyone else’s because now I can have a full and complete life, and my kid is so dumb in comparison to hers. I truly believe when someone has talent, they don’t need anyone to brag on them anyway. Talent shows on it’s own. No need to sit there and try and get every person to believe that your kid is more talented than everyone else’s. It just makes people think you are a Massive douche who heads up the douche committee in douche land. Hey bragger Moms… instead of trying to make everyone actually think your kid is best, why not tell your kid they are the best! They are the ones that need to hear it….not anyone else.

 cartoon

 

10. Well…here we are! The number 10 Super Douchie, DouchMcDoucherton, Douche Mack Daddy move that anyone can pull! You meet a super cute guy, you think he is hot, and he is really nice and buys you all kinds of shit you don’t need, and he tells you how pretty you are all the time, and he basically captures your heart. So you marry him, pop out 4 kids, and one day, long after you have said “I Do”, he comes home with a piece of crap DOUCHE Dog that scrapes it’s ass ALL over your brand new carpet, and pukes on your brand new carpet, and pees on your brand new carpet, and annoys the ever loving life out of you. You know what…..that is a Mack Daddy Douche move and you should Never ever do it! Serioulsy…if you’re a guy, and you value your balls…DO NOT bring home a douchie Dog! Or any dog for that matter….on a side note… (I am not bitter)…

 vaccuum

 

So I hope I helped in the ongoing battle against Doucherie. I know we may never actually rid the world of full on Doucheness, but I think we have taken a step towards a positive change! Just by following some simple rules, we could all be living in a douche free environment. (not likely though)

My mom is a Whore too ~ Ooops, I said whore again…

My mom is a thrift shop whore! Okay…I am going to start this by saying don’t FREAK the frick out that I just wrote about my mom being a whore. I can promise you it does not bother her, so you should not let it bother you. This is how our relationship is. We call each other whores and sluts, and things of that nature. We have always bantered this way and none of it is at all serious. We are not sitting in the middle of walmart screaming at each other from across the tub of cheeseballs saying “Hey you fucking bitch…you forgot the fucking tub of cheeseballs again!! Why do you have to be a whore and always forget the cheeseballs!” Yeah…not happening. We joke with each other, flip each other off, call each other sluts…and it’s all in jest, friends. My mom and I are great friends and have fun together and always joke around. I actually like to talk about blow jobs and orgasms in front of her because, even after all these years, she still gets all flustered and says, “I don’t do those things! I don’t even know what you’re talking about!” Yeah right mom…that’s why you have 4 kids from a bunch of different dudes…which by the way, makes you slut! Aw…I did it now! 😉 She would probably shoot me some look like this

benedict

and then say….”Fucking bitch!”..  and then I would probably give her this look..
morir0


and then for certain she would look at me like this
bened

Then I would give her this look
mori

and then everything would be good. 🙂  Most people say I love you…we just call each other sluts. Anyway…. the reason for this post is that I have decided to bust my mom on her thrift shop whore ways. I love this woman so damn much, but in reality…we tend to be opposites on many things in life. I am super OCD and she is just NOT! That’s it in a nutshell. I grew up with a hippie mom that didn’t care if we ran around outside naked and slept with the dogs, and lived on a camp ground. This is probably a lot of the reason I hate camping so much. I spent most of my childhood doing it. I don’t care what anybody says, it is NOT fun shitting in the woods and not having a decent place to wash your hands. All I keep thinking at this point is …okay….the person making the burgers right now never washed their hands, and I saw them walking off with their little piece of toilet paper and heading into the woods. …And on a side note,- how are you going to know in advance how much toilet paper you will need??…Take the damn roll….don’t even try and guess that situation out.- Anyway…so there they are, making burger patties with the same hands that they used to wipe their ass, and I KNOW they did not wash. NOPE!! Not going to happen. Those burgers are not passing these lips!!! NO fucking way!! Plus…why the hell do people think it is fun sitting in the dirt on a 100 degree day swatting at flies and mosquitoes? This is not fun to me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I took one of those facebook quizzes about what kind of tent I should use when camping…and I got  the Holiday Inn! Yep…that sums it up. okay…I digress… So back to my momma… This woman was a bonafide hippie when I was growing up. Jesus sandals and everything. I was never allowed to play with barbies because she worried that it would affect my self esteem. The sad thing is even not being allowed to play with barbies…I still grew up with major self esteem problems. That is more due to the fact that I live in America. These days though….my mom is not as much of a hippie, but we definitely have different approaches to the way we do things. She is always pretty laid back and doesn’t get freaked out about things. Like public toilets don’t bother her, (she may even be one of those folks that shower in them.) 😉  and the dog drinking out of her coffee cup, she could really not give a crap about. She will share her ice cream cone with the dog and not think two thoughts about it. I, on the other hand, will not pet the dog and pick up food without washing my hands first.  Have you seen what dogs do? Do you know what dog’s eat? (like their own poop) Yeah not happening….That dog tongue is not going anywhere near my ice cream cone. I know a lot of people are advocates of having a dog to clean up the floor after the kids have made a big food mess, and my mom is one of those folks. For me though….a dog tongue licking crap off the floor just doesn’t give me that fresh feeling like a good old mop does. So, my mom is a thrift shop ADDICT! I mean super, super addict. She loves those things. I actually do not think she even shops in regular stores anymore. Oh geez, when the macklemore thrift shop came out….She was CERTAIN they made that song for her. She is the epitome of that song, and seeing her rock out to it is something everyone should be able to witness. It’s pretty freaking adorable!! Anyway….she loves those things. Needless to say…I’m not a huge fan of thrift shops. Listen…I think they are great, but I am more the queen of sales racks. I hit sales like a whore needing a good night because she is going on vacation in a week. Oh…bad analogy! I am absolutely a sales rack whore!!! I bought a pair of jeans at Old Navy for a dollar.  I am not kidding you on this…Absolutely true story: A friggin dollar bought me a pair of jeans on the sales rack at Old Navy. You can find some seriously amazing deals on sales racks if you do it the right way. It’s all about shopping when the new season of crap comes in, and they are trying to get rid of the old crap…and you find yourself getting some great deals. My mom still does not give a hoot about these deals. She wants the thrift shop!!! That’s it.  The best gift I could ever give my mom would be a 100 dollar gift card to Goodwill. The thing is….she buys me shit from these places too….and although I find it very sweet of her to think of me, I have concerns over the pink eye mascara, and herpes lipstick she just bought me. Yep…you read that right..nope, it’s not a typo…My mom buys makeup from these joints. She LOVES it. She will say… “Oh I got the best deal on some makeup today.” My response is “That’s great mom…but after the doctor bills from your pink eye and herpes, wouldn’t it have been easier to just go to target and buy the shit?” Nah…she is all good. Now I can assure you she has never bought underwear from a thrift shop….(I think)….but my question is, why are they selling underwear in thrift shops? My mom has a very impressive shoe collection, and most of these finds came from thrift shops. I’m not going to lie….she has found some amazing shoes in these places. I have borrowed them from her, and I have to admit she found some great deals. But really the only thing you can catch from shoes is foot fungus…which sucks, but at least it’s only on your foot and not somewhere near your face or your under carriage.  My thing is that you may see something that looks great, and you are like…” yeah….score”..but you have NO idea what went down when someone was wearing those pants, or dress. Have we all forgotten so quickly about what happened with president Clinton and the blue dress! I don’t give a friggin crap whose “sploog” it is…I’m not wearing something that is stained with someones sex juices. Even if it is the president! But…I digress…again…When it comes down to it, my mom is this adorably, HOT lady and I can only hope and pray that I look like her and become half the beautiful woman she is. We are very different, and believe me…we have gotten into some fights that have been doozies,  and yet this woman taught me how to love my children with everything that I am, and to be kind (I mean….I try), and to give love unconditionally, and to always see the beauty in things. She is a beautiful, amazing woman who I am proud to call my mom. We may not always agree, but I always love her….and her nasty flea infested, herpes clothes! Okay…that was too far…. Love you Mom!

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