Facebook Fuckery….part I

 

bitchfest

 

I have written a lot about Facebook. I have also done a lot of Facebook parody videos. I have this love/hate thing going on with Facebook. I have said this before…it is very much like the love/hate thing I have going on with Walmart. I love being able to go to Walmart and buy a bra and not even 5 feet away be able to buy some Ben & Jerry’s chubby hubby. Then there is also that thing of the myriad of butt cracks and deodorant-less people that you have to wade through. I suppose with all things comes the good and bad right?!

walmart-wants-your-soul

d3ead75e0b4821b078c0b2cce9484532

 
The other day my lil sis and I were chatting and she was telling me how someone came to her facebook page and left a comment saying something like ” I was stalking your page, and saw that you no longer work at the coffee shop.” I wonder…is it “stalking” if you are actually friends on facebook? If someone actually agreed to have you on their friends list, aren’t you allowed to go to their page and look at their shit? I thought that was the point of being facebook “friends.” I mean…what else is there to do when you are a facebook friend. It’s not like you can meet for lunch on facebook and chat about breadsticks. To be friends on facebook means you get to see all the shit that the person posts. That is the extent of your facebook relationship! That’s it!! No matter how annoying what they post is.

1352777155190_4125439

420c7700361770f9b05d21613a7515a0

 

 
Don’t get all pissy about what I just said. I have openly admitted to being a facebook whore. I totally am. Aren’t we all though? Have you actually stopped to think about why you are even on facebook? Why you feel the need to engage in the whole thing? I am not going to lie…political and religious posts annoy the friggin crap out of me. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but so do I. So does every damn person that is going to comment on your post about politics or religion. Even the ones you don’t like or agree with. When does YOUR opinion become the only “real” one? Plus…if you didn’t want people to have an opinion about your post…why did you choose a social network site to post it? “SOCIAL” being the important word here! And please with the religious bible versus. Listen okay…..every damn person that lives in this country knows about the bible. EVERYONE!!! If you are posting bible versus because you think it is inspirational to someone, then explain this to me,.. because the ONLY people that you are inspiring, are the people that already believe that way. You might get 10 likes on that post….ALL of them coming from your fellow church people that already know exactly what the bible says. I guarantee….NOBODY is going to read a verse from the bible posted on facebook and think to themselves….Oh…now I want to attend church because I just read a bible verse. I already know a huge group of people are pissed off at me for saying that, but guess what….it’s MY opinion. Same as you…I have a right to it!

i-just-called-to-see-if-your-facebook-status-was-about-me-240x180

Funny-Facebook011

 

 
Another group of seriously annoying facebook posts are the constant animal/children abuse posts. I have literally blocked certain people from my facebook feed because I couldn’t take the constant swarm of horrible awful pictures of abused animals and children. WHY are you people posting these?? This is doing NOTHING to help animal and child abuse! NOTHING!!! Posting horrific awful pictures that you can never unsee again is doing nothing more than making sure people have that horrible image in their head all day. So bascially making sure you screw up their day. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day? Well…it’s the same damn thing when you see a picture of someone skinning a dog while it’s alive! FRIGGIN STOP with those picture already. If you want to join in the animal/child abuse problem in the world…then activaly get yourself involved. THAT is when change occurs. Not sitting on facebook and posting a bunch of horrible pictures than going off to work and going on with your day. If you think you are actually bringing attention to the subject….you are wrong. If people do not already know about child/ animal abuse then they are either amish or have been raised by wolves. EVERYONE knows this is happening in the world. If you are passionate about it….then make it your passion to get involved on these issues. It’s like that Sarah Mclachlan commercial that EVERYONE has seen. It just makes you sad! My wish is that we lived in a world that these things didn’t happen.

Scob653cucKdOQ3

3d8f22111b0f945610249733a9e8f296

 
As far as the folks that get on facebook and let you know that they are deleting people off their facebook, so you better let them know right now if you want to stay. Can I just ask someone to explain this madness to me, because I don’t get it. If you want to delete people off your facebook, why feel the need to tell everyone you are doing it? I really don’t get it. It seems to me that you must be feeling sad and needing some attention, and you want folks to say “please don’t delete me.” I get it….everyone wants to feel loved. I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my shit on facebook. It’s true….I’m that person! I’m funny dammitt!!! Actually I’m not….most people just don’t understand my sense of humor. They don’t get me ya know. Anyway….I do not delete people off of facebook. If they don’t want to be on my facebook, they can delete themselves.  I am not taking time to delete people. But if I did…I certainly am not going to announce it to everyone. I have officially only deleted a person once, and I am not going to get into the reasons why. I am not going to lie, I have blocked a few from my status feed, but that is only because I really can not take the constant flow of abuse pictures that were being posted, and a few other things. Yes…I am purposely being vague. 🙂

beefy-ecards-annoy-me

download (1)

 

 
Anyway…..I want to finish up this insanely long blog post with…can’t we all just get along!!! Isn’t that what facebook is about? Socializing. We live in a technologically inclined time. Everything we do involves technology of some sort….except pooping. That is still done the old fashioned way.

 

Also….I have NO room to talk. I post the weirdest shit on Facebook! So here is my public apology to all the folks that have to endure my weird ass posts. Like this one…..

Advertisements

Brother Husbands…no I don’t think so…

Let me start by saying anyone can do whatever the hell they want to. If you want to have 10 wives, or 10 husbands, have at it.  I have watched the show sister wives before, and I am not going to lie to you… I think the dude in that show is a Schmo. Maybe that is not right for me to judge….. but the show I happened to be watching was the one where his wife asked him how he would feel if she wanted more husbands and his response was so friggin ridiculous. He said: “It’s just not something I’m comfortable imagining,” he told her. “The vulgarity of you with two husbands or another lover sickens me.”

 

Real nice! I wonder what his wives are thinking when he is spending the night with one of the wives and the other ones have to sleep alone. I wonder if they are at all “sickened” by it… or think it is “vulgar.” He wants acceptance for his belief, but acts as if it is such a crazy idea, one woman and multiple men, yet there are some cultures where women marry more than one man, and it is their belief system. Though these cultures may be few, by saying it is vulgar, he is inadvertently calling those tribes barbaric and vulgar because it isn’t part of his belief. How can a close-minded individual expect the world to be open-minded about his beliefs when he constantly offends the beliefs of others?

 

AHHH the hypocrisy of it all!! Anywho…. I have a list for you. This is MY list of why I could NEVER have my own tribe of brother husbands. ONE dude is enough for this lady!~

 

1 – The indescribable amount of dirty socks that would be piled up right NEXT to the laundry basket and not IN the laundry basket!!! The mound would be excessive by any standards of decent living.

LaundryDone

 

2 – Can you imagine the fights for the remote control? It would be like attending a lion territorial fight in the middle of the African desert. 

LIKE-Shock-Mansion-on4

 

3 – I would have to make a recording of my voice saying “Put out the garbage bin… it’s garbage night.” There is NO WAY I am going to repeat myself 10 million and 2 times saying that. Ahh who am I kidding… I already say it 10 million and 3 times and I have one husband. 

funny-husband-wife-fighting

 

4 – The amount of times I would get asked “Is dinner ready?” would make me go insane! NOTHING!!! Do you people hear me? There is NOTHING for your damn dinner!!!! 

34b4f5e4900eecb9f344b98a4c2968cbb5359a10aff4921cbd74ef52fca02243

 

5 – The toilets!!!! I don’t really think I need to elaborate on this one. Okay…. I’ll elaborate! The pissing thing…. and the toilet seat thing!!!! With a bunch of dudes hanging around… that toilet would be a NIGHTMARE!!! 

funny_toilet_signs_20

funny_toilet_signs_14

 

6 – I wouldn’t be able to bend over anywhere in the house. With all those dudes hanging around, for certain I would end up getting poked every time I had to pick up a toy, or sock off the floor. Sorry if that one went too far… but can we just get real here please! Think about it!!

f266034fa0e6cb276b56ae847bb48ce13f

3df48fa034a078b44fe4a46fa40edcb0

 

7 – Behind closed doors I imagine you would get a lot of “I’m the biggest aren’t I??” “Mine is the biggest and scariest isn’t it?” Side note- what is it with wanting to be the biggest and scariest??? Someone please explain this to me. Your junk is not the Kraken guys!!!

release-the-kraken-template-500js031710

Unleash_963976_518904

 

8 – Sorry to the folks that will be offended by this one… number 8 reason brother husbands would suck at a massive level of suckage>>>>> BlOW JOBS<<<<<< see what I did there??;;;;( Massive level of suckage)…get it??…suckage….massive level…okay never mind!! Don’t even act like you don’t know what I am talking about! 

this-sucks

 

And that’s all I got right now.  BUT I do have another video for you. My mom and I went shopping and I figure I would let you all see exactly what that is like. ;)~

 

 

Wild Animals or Children….you decide!!

Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of kids and thought to yourself… is this a group of kids… or a pack of wild animals? I have had that thought more times than I can tell you. I have 4 kids…. so I have my very OWN pack of wild animals. Anyway, this got me thinking about comparisons. If you actually think about it… when it comes to kids, there are so many comparisons to other things that you can make. I started to write out a list…. and the list just kept going and going. There really are so many things that can be mistaken as children.

last-of-the-last-save-people_74670_600x450

Like for instance babies and dogs! We put them both in cages because there is always that chance that they are going to take off when you aren’t looking. They sit there and look at you with big eyes like please don’t leave me in here. You talk to them in a high pitched stupid voice and say things that don’t make sense. Babies and dogs look at you like you are an idiot because they have NO clue what you are saying to them. Then other people stare at you like you’re the freak, as if they’ve never done it before. Dogs and children poop at the most inconvient times EVER. They embaress you in public by attracting unwanted attention due to loud screaming/barking. They often stink and can be extremely naughty. They both have squeeky toys that you will for sure end up stepping on in the middle of the night. They DO NOT clean up after themselves, and they both have puked on my carpet. And yet, after all the times you think you are crazy for having one, you always want another.

dog_baby_iStock_000016111613Small

 

Little boys and dinosaurs!~ Not to generalize little boys, because I do believe that little girls can also be compared to dinosaurs. I am just speaking from experience with my little boy. The comparisons here are almost identical. Have you ever seen a little boy eat? Then you know EXACTLY how a velociraptor looked when it would eat. They both attack their food. Not just eat it… but kill it. You know, mangle it to death. Half the food ends up on the floor, and the other half on top of their head. They both make the most awful noises. Seriously, the screeches and shrieks and growls that come from my little boy is probably what killed the dinosaurs off!!! They both have a tendency to bite. You have to watch your fingers around them. Neither one likes to brush their teeth or take a bath….. And like the babies and dogs…. they both can and do often stink!

funny,dinosaur,teddy-5a278161532d114aaf62a30363e4a39c_h

 

Little girls and kitties!~ Again… I do not want to generalize all girls. I have 3 girls and I am speaking from experience with my littlest one. She is the one that has a tendency to be very much like a kitty. When it comes to little girls and kitties, you can be hugging them and snuggling with them, having a fun time, not knowing that any moment, they will change and attack. They do that little stalk thing, and then when you least expect it… they pounce. Then you turn around and look at them and they are staring at you like they did NOTHING!! Looking at you like YOU are the one with the problem… even though they just scratched out your eyeballs. They also both have the ” you are THE MOST stupid person on the planet and how can you possibly wear that outfit in public” look! They will flash you the “look” and you just know that you suck. They also can be fluffy and cute and cuddly!

1217577963_3c094496d5

 

8 yr. olds and 80 yr. olds!~ Let’s face it… they both are missing filters. I have never met an 8 yr. old or an 80 yr. old that has a filter.

 

 
-Things you might possibly hear from and 8 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”…

 
-Things you might possibly hear from an 80 yr. old would be…. “I farted and it smells like tacos!”… “My poop is runny!”… “Something smells weird on my hand!”… “You’re funny looking.”… “STOP IT! I CAN DO IT! I can do it by myself!”… “I want to drive. I know how.”… “Tie my shoes!”… (Loud for everyone to hear) “I don’t like that person!”… And let’s be honest… No 8 yr. old OR 80 yr. Old EVER flushes the damn toilet!!

TaylorPrice_Oldperson1

 

 

Drunks and Toddlers!~ So many comparisons here it is almost scary. They both are slobbery, and almost always have food dribbled on their clothes. Often poop and pee in their pants and when they actually make it to a toilet, they never really make it IN the toilet. It usually ends up on the floor or wall or on the cat. You can never understand what they are saying to you. Unless of course you are also drunk… or a toddler. They are always running into things from the lack of paying attention. They both are really bad at dressing themselves, and UN dressing themselves. Sometimes they give up on the clothes thing altogether, and will just run around naked. They will literally fall asleep anywhere but in their own bed! Places like a shopping cart, the front yard, the side of the road. And in the end, all they really want is a friend… Oh, wait no, that’s just the alcoholic. All my kids really want is spongebob, cookies, and for our chihuahua to play dress up with them….

 

Last-Night-Blur-Funny-Kids-Drunk

images (4)

So there you have it!! All the things that can be mistaken for a child. If you have any ideas of what can be mistaken for a child….put it in the comments. I LOVE to read what you all think.  Guess what???…I made a video for you! Cuz I Love ya! ❤

 

 

 

 

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

Dadmissions

life surrounded by a wife and two girls

Cellulite Looks Better Tan

And Other Observations From My Soap Box.

Mental Defecation

My mind poops here

renegade mothering

tales of a wayward mama

Dances With Fat

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size Dependent

Abby Has Issues

I have issues. So do you.

Nonsense & Shenanigans

Because who wants to make sense and behave, anyway?

Single Girl Blogging

I'm a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

The Apprehensive Vagina

Navigating a world of anxiety and sexual pain through humor and conversation.

TD421

Why aren't you at your post?

Veggiewitch

...adventures of a Crafter-Mama!

Why are you so AWESOME and I SUCK?!

I have struggled to be famous for over a decade. I have learned talent and hard-work are not key factors. This blog is dedicated to my pursuit in figuring out what it takes… to be famous.

The WordPress.com Blog

The latest news on WordPress.com and the WordPress community.

Guapola

Crazy is relative. Just ask my relatives. And music!

Weird Woman Lives Past 40

My bumpy, messy, fattening, slutty, beautiful, simple life. Step into my panties...err parlour.

Crazy Good Parent

a digital community for people with mental health issues trying to be the best parents they can