September 3rd Bitches…

My kids are going to back to school next week. September 3rd is the first day back to school. Now listen…I don’t want to come across as a complete jerk here, but I might. I was the mom that cried on the first day of school for all my kids. Starting with my oldest who is now in college, down to my youngest who started kindergarten last year. I bawled!! I stood at the door and bawled as I watched my baby go in the classroom. It was hard. I knew I would miss them and it is also a sign that they are now getting older and becoming more independent and all of that. Even though inside I know it’s a good thing, it still was heart wrenching. It took me about 3 days to realize how stupid I am!! 😉 I was able to do Zumba without having to stop even once. I have NEVER been able to do Zumba without having to stop to help someone with something. It was a miracle. So I was thinking about how school is getting ready to start and decided to write the top ten things I will be doing on the the first day of school. It’s always good to be organized.

 
1) I will pee and poop all on my own. I’m not sure I will be able to manage it considering I have had an audience all summer long, but I’m going to try. The one thing I may miss from having the audience is the moment when you realize there is NO toilet paper, and usually there is someone hanging around the bathroom that can get me some. That could be a problem…but I’ll take it.

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2) I will drink my coffee in silence. Pure silence….One sip, then another. I won’t have to worry about someone holding drippy yucky hands over my cup and dripping who knows what in my coffee.

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3) I will eat a Reeses for lunch straight out in the open. I will not duck behind the washing machine or hide in the closet like some kind of animal. I will proudly and openly eat my Reeses. The dog will be judging me with his judgy dog eyes, but I will NOT CARE!

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4) I will pick up the legos, and half of them will accidentally fall into the trash. Shhh…Those bitch legos are getting what they deserve!! No more stabbing me in the foot every time I walk across the floor!! Those bitches are going down….literally…like in the bottom of the trash kind of down…

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5) I will take a nap!…maybe…I don’t know sometimes I feel weird sleeping in the house when I’m alone. I might have to make sure there is no killer weirdos on the loose or something first….

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6) I will go grocery shopping BY MYSELF!! No kids hanging off the cart asking for every damn thing, putting things in the cart that I didn’t even know were there, having to take someone to the nasty public restroom every 3 seconds. I will put chocolate in the cart without the fear that they saw it and are going to steal it from me. I am BAD ASS!!

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7) I will watch Doc Mcstuffins instead of Dora because Dora sucks ass. I keep telling these kids that Doc Mcstuffins is better, but they want Dora. Well,…they’re not here now so guess what?! I’m watching Doc!…..suckas…

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8) I will dance all over the damn house with the music blaring really bad songs like Eminem, or Macklemore. The more cuss words the better…

9) I will take a shower AND shave my legs. I might need an industrial razor to get through this forest, …but Imagine this….a full shower…woop!

shaving my legs

10) I will laugh the most evil laugh….just because. I will just sit here and laugh maniacally. The dog will think I am crazy, and if anyone does break in they will definitely think I am crazy…but that’s okay!!

laughing evil

 
So there is my To Do List for September 3rd. I am ready. To be honest…there are also the things I will miss. I will miss my little boy coming in to the room every morning and snuggling up next to me while his hair tuffs poke me in the eye. I will miss laying on the trampoline with the kids at night looking at the stars in the sky. I will miss not having to be anywhere at any certain time!! I will miss  the late nights with my daughters staying up until 3 in the morning talking about nonsense. I will miss making smores at 10 oclock at night on the grill because it’s still light out. I will miss playing zombie tag in the middle of the day…just because. So now I’m crying. I guess I’m not as Bad Ass as I think. BUT I will enjoy the chocolate….

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funny chocoalte

 

What is your guilty pleasure??…

I am so going to get some crap for this, but you know what, I made the decision to put myself out there…so Here I go!! We all have those things that we love….maybe it is a song, or a t.v. show. Maybe a really bad food choice that you just refuse to stay away from, or certain books that some people consider “smut” instead of literature. Some people choose to use their guilty pleasure in the way of buying shoes….or clothes, or just buying anything. Who doesn’t love a good shopping trip now and then. The problem comes in when you really , really need those Manolo Blahnik shoes, but they are $950.00, of which you do not have. You are searching your damn pockets, looking through every crevice in your purse, even scraping the change out of the car, but all you come up with is $23.90. Yeah…your about $910.00 dollars short. You consider possibly standing on the street corner ( just to see what happens)…because you really, really NEED those shoes. You have an outfit that only THOSE particular shoes will match with. You need them, you must have them. but ALAS….you are not “Pretty Woman.” You did not start out as a whore, and end up as a princess. WHY?? because life doesn’t fucking work like that!! Look….I’m not saying life is all about shoes…but really, it is. So anyway….Back to the reason for this post. I am going to come clean about my guilty pleasures. I am going to spill the beans on the shit I do that I really don’t want anybody to know about. So please…after you read this, just forget everything you saw here. It’s like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Well…look at this in the same way! I have a reputation to protect. Actually….that ship sailed a long time ago, so you know what, here it goes. Some of my most awful guilty pleasures that I will admit too.

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1. On my ipod I have a myriad of different music. I am one of these types of people that listen to everything and keep an open mind to all music….except country…that shit should be outlawed. I can’t listen to that twangy crying in your beer bullshit! But other than that I am seriously open minded…;) No but really….country sucks ass. Sorry to all the folks who LOVE country music that I just completely offended with my opinion. I’m not really sorry though…country music just sucks. So back to my guilty pleasure. I have some REALLY bad music on my ipod. Like I am talking BAD! Let me start with my exercise play list. It goes something like this: Toni Basil – Hey Mickey, Divo- whip it, Eurythmics – Here Comes The Rain Again, Eminem – Love the way you lie, Eminem- The way I am, Eminem- not afraid, ( Yes, I am a fan), not in a stalkery way though…kind of stalkery, I also have lots of Alanis Morisette because I dig her, and I have Britney from the good old ” Ooops I did it…again” days…hm…sounds familiar, and lots of other kinds of music. On a side note- if we all had a song that would describe the theme of our life, mine would without a doubt be “And we Danced” by Macklemeore. Yep…that’s me! So last but not least is the one song on my playlist that I can not believe I am going to admit too, but here it is. Ice Ice Baby ( Vanilla Ice!) There it is….I said it. And I rock out to that bitch too. When I am exercising and that song comes on…nothing can slow me down. It’s like a fire was put under my ass. I know I have NO right to talk about country music when I have Vanilla Ice floating around on my Ipod…but…there it is….

 

2. T.V. shows. Okay…we all have those nights when your day sucked ass and you just want to drop on the couch in front of the Tele and watch really shitty shows to get your mind off of the crappy day you had. I actually choose to watch some of that crappy t.v. even when I had a perfectly fine day. All mom’s know that most of the television that we end up watching is crap like calliou which makes you want to rip off your ears and throw them in the garbage disposal. BUT…there is always that time after the kids go to bed, and I actually am able to stay awake for a show, that I pull out my guilty pleasures of the REALLY bad television that I actually took the time to tivo. First of all…I am a complete NERD! I LOVE Doctor Who. I have watched every damn episode since they started the show back up with the 9th doctor, and am now on the eleventh doctor who I just found out is now leaving the show and they are getting a new 12th doctor in and this is a very emotional time for me. I really can’t talk about it!!!! but seriously. I am a friggin Doctor Who freak. On top of that, I always love me some New Girl! Schmidt rules!! Love that show….but the real bad one that I can not believe I am admitting too that I watch every episode of is…The real housewives of New Jersey! Okay…there….it’s out now! Yeah…I watch it…and so does the husband. Actually, I think he might even be more of a fan than I am. Every Sunday night he’s like…” Did housewives record?… you should check and make sure it recorded.” DUDE…seriously…Anyway..so yeah, there it is…

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3. YES, I read Twilight! YES, I liked it. It was not the highlight of my life. No I did not think it was ” Excellent Literature”, but…it was entertaining. I am NOT a Twi-hard!! YES, I read 50 shades of Grey! NO I did not think it was ” Excellent Literature”, but it was also entertaining….and FUN! 😉 I actually learned some new moves from 50! 😉  I will probably opt out on the movies for that one though. Reading it was good enough for me! Got all the images right here in the brain. I have also read Shakespeare, and Jane Austin, and I have read the Belle Jar, and many, many other books. The thing is…I am sort of a smut book junkie. I really like smutty books. The dirty, immoral kind. As of recently, I actually have been reading a ton of spirit books. Like Deepok Chopra, and Louise Hay. So…it’s not ALL smut, and raunchy literature. I think it all has it’s place. I mean…if you decided to read 50 shades of grey, don’t expect something like pride and prejudice. They are completely different and to compare the two is like comparing Julia Roberts to snookie. It just doesn’t work. There it is…

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4. I have mentioned this before. I think I may actually talk about it in almost every post I have ever written. CHOCOLATE!!! This is a big one for me. I Love chocolate. There is no denying that. I literally will eat anything covered in chocolate. I mean anything. Seriously….go ahead and comment below anything that you can think of…and if you cover it in chocolate, I would eat it. My kids toe nails…yep, bugs…yep, dirty shoelaces…yep, raw chicken…um….okay yep. It’s a sickness really. I may need help. Well…there it is…

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creepy right?…I’d do it…

5. I can’t believe I am going to admit this…but spongebob is a guilty pleasure of mine. first of all, I know so many people that do not let their kids watch it. I understand why. But I LOVE spongebob. I love that show…and I have always loved it. I do let my kids watch it and I am hoping none of their teachers are reading this because then they are probably thinking…” Ohhhh….now I get it! She let’s them watch spongebob!” O.O I can’t help it. I love spongebob. I tend to think I am more like plankton in real life, but still…I am admitting I let my kids watch that show mostly because I want to watch it. One day my mom called me up on the phone and my kids had been watching spongebob, but went off to play something else. So there I was sitting on the couch on the phone with my mom and spongebob was on t.v.

 

Mom: ” what are you doing

 
Me: “ sitting here watching spongebob

 
Mom : ” what channel is it on?

 
Me: ” nickelodeon…duh”

 
Mom: ” shutup.” she changes her channel to nickelodeon.

 
Me: ” How is spongebob at the ocean?…he lives in the ocean

 
mom: ” yeah, look at that…he’s surfing on the ocean…and he’s in the ocean!”

 
Yes…this happened! There it is…

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6. Facebook!!! Enough said! actually I wrote an entire post on how I am a Facebook whore. You can read that Here-

 

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Now it is time to hear about YOUR guilty pleasures. We all have them. Are you brave enough to let it out!! Come on…what have you got to lose, other than your dignity…and maybe some pride. and BTW…here is the theme song of my life. Seriously…if I ever had to choose a song that best describes me and my life…this would be it :

 

Kids are Weird!~

Kids are weird! They say and do weird shit. They can be cute at times, and they can be funny… but let’s face it… they are fucking weird. I know because I had 4 of those little people claw their way straight through my vagina to get here. I also was a kid once. When I think back, I remember doing some weird shit too. We tend to forget as we get older and become more “normal” about the weird shit we did. You can ask your parents, and they might have a story or two, or maybe your kid ends up doing something off the wall, and it jars a memory of some bat shit crazy thing you did. The thing about being a parent is… we have these weird crazy people living in our house, and we find ourselves doing just as much crazy shit to appease these people, and then once they become semi-normal, they move out and go off and have wonderful lives! It just doesn’t seem fair. Hey kid… remember the time you screamed your friggin head off because you didn’t like the way the car seat felt on your butt, so I had to stick my hand under your butt for a 3 hour trip because that was the ONLY thing that got you to stop screaming? OR remember the time you freaked out if your sock was on the “right” way? It had to be inside out or you would sit on the ground freaking out because it felt weird.  So every sock has to be inside out, BUT every shirt has to be backwards because you like the tag in the front, not the back.

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My brother was over for dinner, and we got on the subject of how kids do weird things. I was telling him about how my son licked a tree at school because he thought it was maple syrup. Yes… I freaked out, because we don’t have maple syrup trees around these parts, and just because something is oozing out of a tree, that doesn’t mean you should lick it. My brother was telling me he used to lick all kinds of weird things and he is okay. Hm…. maybe “okay” is going too far! ;)~ And he told me a story from when we were kids. See… we grew up in the Bay Area. I’m a California girl. I grew up on a city street with gutters, and sidewalks, and paved roads. My brother told me a story about when he was around 8 or so, he was outside and got thirsty, so instead of going in the house to get a drink like a normal person, he saw water in the gutter and figured… hey, I’ll just drink that! So he bent down to the gutter and drank the water. Um… just think about that for a minute! Gutter water from the city is probably worse than shitty irrigation ditch water from the country because you have NO idea what is in that gutter! ick! The husband pipes in with his story about how when he was in kindergarten some girl stole his pencil, so he climbed in a tree and pissed on her. Yep… pissed on her from the tree. Well…. that is one way to handle people stealing from you I guess.

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I started thinking back to some of the weirder things I did, and I remember very clearly hanging out with the dog and sharing his dog food. Like I would give him a piece, then I would eat a piece… then give him a piece, then me. Yes… I ate dog food. I don’t know why…. because I was weird!  All kids are weird. They don’t think right. My 13 yr. old daughter was telling me a story about when she was around 9, she used to play with a couple of neighbor boys down the street, and she said they were making mud milkshakes, but they were actually drinking them. Like with a dirty straw that they found in the street. Of course I freaked out, and was like… “You didn’t try any of that milkshake did you?” …she gave me the shifty eyes and said no! I think she tried it…

milkshake

I don’t understand what goes through a kid’s mind. I was thinking back, …I may have been more crazy than your average kid. Me and a few of my friends decided we wanted to climb up to my friends roof on her house and jump off of it. You know…. for fun! Back in those days, they didn’t have bouncy houses and trampolines… so we just jumped off of our rooftops. The thing is… because we were idiots, we used the backyard furniture cushions to break our fall. Those cushions were not very cushion-y if you know what I mean. So here we were taking turns jumping off the roof and landing on chair cushions. I remember jumping and thinking.. it’s just like flying... until you land! Anyway…one of the neighbor kids that was jumping missed the cushion. Not only did he miss the cushion, he didn’t land right on his leg. He started crying and we all helped him limp home. The next day he had a cast on his leg. He broke it! Good times!!

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When my 13 yr. old was 5, she went through this phase where every time we left the house, she was certain it was going to burn down, so she had to bring a suitcase filled with all of her favorite things. Like EVERY damn time. Even if we were just going down the street, she had to bring the suitcase. It drove me NUTS! Then it turned into 2 suitcases. Then it was 2 suitcases and a grocery bag filled with things. I would argue with her, but some arguments just are not worth the fight so I would load up the suitcases every time we left. She outgrew that weird stage just to go right into the stage of never, ever walking into a room alone. EVER!! If she had to go to the bathroom, I had to stand in there, if she needed something out of her room, someone always had to walk to the room with her, and forget going to bed alone at night. She eventually grew out of that stage as well. It seems like once kids stop being completely weird, they don’t want to be around you anymore. Shit heads!! Kidding… I’m only kidding…. I’m actually not kidding because it’s true… but yeah.

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This last school year, I went to pick up my 6 yr. old after school, and her teacher pulled me aside to tell me that she had a problem in the bathroom. She wouldn’t go poop at school and told the teacher it was because I wouldn’t let her! O.O.. So the teacher asked me about it and I said “Nope..she is NOT aloud to poop at school. That is the number one rule in our house!” NOOOO I didn’t… I was MORTIFIED!!! I was so embarrassed because my kid made it seem like I’m some crazy lady who doesn’t allow her kids to poop at school. Of course she is allowed to poop! As long as it is in a toilet, I’m happy. I was certain that the teachers were going to think I was a complete weirdo, when in reality… my 6 yr. old is the weirdo. I don’t know why, but kids really are just plain weird. Maybe they are not using their full brain capacity… then again there are plenty of grown ups that aren’t either.

vajayjay

Welcome to Crazy Town…would you like some pie?..

Okay…I got this idea from watching a video from the Indie chicks. This is a link to their website and you should definitely check them out. You can click HERE! They are bad ass in every sense of the word, and I love this website. They made a hilarious video about search terms, and I got the idea that I could probably write an entire post about the crazy that is typed into search engines that brings people straight to my blog. I can not even believe some of this stuff. There have been days where I am almost baffled that a person typed this in. I should have known right off the git-go that putting Vagina in my title was asking for trouble. But I never in my wildest….okay…maybe my “wildest” but surely not my normal….okay,  I don’t have “normal dreams”…but what I am trying to say here is….. let’s just get on with it, and you will see what I am trying to say. I’ll start with some of the more ” normal” terms that have been typed into search engines that bring you directly to my blog. And then we can approach some of the weirder ones. I will leave the real nasties for the end because there is nothing like leaving you with some images in your head that you can never un-see again! ( There are some I completely left out because I don’t even want to re-type that kind of crazy!) here we go..

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1. Good junk food/junk food/ Junk food confessions ~ Not too weird right. No big deal….someone typed in Junk food and came up with my blog. I wrote a post about Junk food confessions so there ya go.

 
2. Reason for cleaning toilet and surroundings, cleaning toilets/toilet water splash back. ~ Yeah…I get it..
okay…these are super boring, so I am going in for the real crazy shit! I am typing them EXACTLY as they were typed into the search engine. Misspelled words and all. Just know that none of this comes from me personally! I am crazy….but I even have a limit. Italics is my thoughts on the whole situation.

 
3. ooopsi i saw my sisters nice ass ~ First of all why are you looking at your sister’s ass, and more importantly…why are you thinking it is nice?

 
4. wife pussy peanut butter and dog ~ There is a whole lot going on here at one time….multitasking at it’s best I guess.

 
5. spray painted vagina ~ might be fun…

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6. which whole is a dogs vagina ~ ummm

 
7. road side peeing my butt froze to the car story ~ I would like to read that story!

 
8. deadliest vagina ~ Not to be confused with Deadliest catch…or it could be, I mean…crabs are crabs right?..

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9. i became a whore for my husband ~ anddddd???? We all have our whore moments don’t we…

 
10. dick and cunt ~ go together like peanut butter and jelly, or peas and carrots, or cereal and milk, or penis and pussy…..

 
10. what do i say when my husband calls me a cunt repeatedly ~ FUCK OFF!!!

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11. girl letting a chiweenie lick her pussy ~ look away now….seriously….look the fuck away….

 
12. dwarfism vaginal opening ~ wrong website folks…your looking for Web MD! ( or wikipedia, you can probably find some pictures there.)

 
13. you are a douche ~ yes…I can be…( I wrote a whole post about how not to be one HERE .)

 
14. i+love+my+mom’s+vagina ~ Than you may need something stronger than google to give you an answer…

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15. going to pee my pants” “peed” ~ I understand!

 
16. can’t stop a husband from fucking whores means what ~ means you GOTS TO GO because he’s a fuckface!

 
17. my spouse is a souse ~ what does that mean? Seriously…I don’t know what that means…

 
18. sopping wet wife time ~ then why are you on google?…Go get it..

 
19. mum promist to be my slut stories ~ O.O what ISN’T wrong with this is the question…

 
20. and last but certainly not least – fun cunt ~ Why yes…I am! Thanks for noticing…

 
21. I lied! There is one more – is it true that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches feel like a vagina ~ ummmmm, possibly, although I’ve heard cherry pie holds a close second…

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There you have some of the weirdest crap people have typed into search engines that brought them directly to me! As long as I can give back to the community that is all that matters! Just remember, be careful what you type into Google because that shit will haunt you forever. Happy internet searching folks!! ~

thinking

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