Yes, I am Bat Shit Crazy… but aren’t we all a little crazy?..

There is a lot of things I don’t understand. I mean, I like to consider myself as a somewhat smart individual, and I am an avid user of common sense where it applies, but when I stop and actually take time to think about some of the weird things I do… it makes no sense to me at all. Some of the things I do on a regular basis that I don’t even think twice about. I just do them. No thought involved at all. I can’t figure out why I do this.  Maybe it’s falling into being in auto pilot mode with my brain. Most of the time I feel like my brain isn’t working to the full capacity that it is probably capable of working at. It seems after each child I pushed out of my Vagina, I lost a little bit more of my brain. And yet somehow, I still manage to function. Barely…. but I’m still making it!
 
 
 
When I do actually take the time to think about things, it freaks me out a little bit. Like why do I do half the crap that I do?
 
 
 
Have you ever been driving along and all of a sudden you snap back into reality. You have NO idea where you were for the last ten minutes. You are still driving and actually have made the right turns and you are heading in the right direction, but you were literally gone in your brain for ten minutes. That happens to me all the time. I wish I could say I went on a little mind excursion to a sunny fancy place and had margaritas, but the truth is, when I snap back to reality I have no idea where my brain was. It’s like an instant memory loss. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and they probed me and did horrible tests on me, and put a fake version of me in the driver seat of my car so no one would even think anything of it. They would just see a regular lady driving along singing the wrong lyrics to a song on the radio. Then when they are done probing me and doing all the things to me, they snap me back into my brain and do that flashy thingy from Men In Black so I forget all the things!! I bet that’s it!!
 
 
 
 
Anyway…  Here is some things I do not understand at all!!
 
 
 
 
1) Why do I always use the front burner on the right side of my stove? No matter what I am cooking, I automatically go to the right front burner. All the other burners on my stove are almost in perfect condition because I barely use them.  And if I have to end up using one of the other burners, I don’t like it all. It feels wrong to me. 
 
 
 
2) Why do I drive around in a circle five million times waiting for the closest parking spot when I am at Costco? Honestly I can’t figure out why I do this because I am perfectly fine with parking farther out when I go to Target. But Costco…. it’s like everyone is fighting for that front spot! Five cars are lined up waiting for the lady that is taking ten years to put her gigantor size box of corn dogs in her car because everyone wants her prime spot!!
 
 
 
3) This is one that I have heard many people talk about doing, but once you realize you do it…. it’s like why the hell do I do that??!! When looking for a street sign I always turn down the music in the car, or scream at the kids to be quiet!!! I’m like… “Everyone shut it…I can’t find 333  blueball avenue with all that noise you are making!”…  It doesn’t even make sense….. Like maybe if I listen really hard, I’ll hear the address approaching… and yet, ….I still do it!
 
 
 
4) So many times I am in a situation where I had the grande coffee that day, and all at once it decides to make it’s way right through me. I have to pee like a madwoman, and I start heading for the toilet. But the closer I get to the toilet, the more I can’t seem to hold the pee. WHY??? It’s like my bladder senses the closer I get to the toilet and is like…”Fuck you lady… I’m letting it go!” Well… fuck you bladder… this is not Frozen, and I am not Elsa!!!! Here I am trying to get my pants and unders down and start pissing all over myself!
 
 
 
5) I will literally vacuum over a piece of string on my carpet 20 times and still not bend down to pick it up. Instead I will sit there thinking about how my vacuum is a piece of crap and probably broken and now I need a new one. So I will go over to my computer and start looking at vacuum cleaners online and the best ones around, and open up three different tabs on my computer looking at reviews of vacuum cleaners. I will walk to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich because I’m hungry, and sit down with my sandwich at the computer while I am still looking at vacuum cleaners …and then figure I should check my Facebook…you know, since I am already on the computer anyway. So I head over to Facebook and sit there for three more hours “checking” Facebook. Finally close the computer… walk over to put the vacuum away, look down at the string that is still on the carpet… and step over it to put the vacuum away.  Ridiculous!!! P.S. That string has been there so long, it’s basically a historical point now.
 
 
 
6) In keeping with the theme of the vacuum, ..another thing I do when I am vacuuming is if I happen to be vacuuming next to a closed door, ..I will get as close to the door as I can hitting it over and over with the vacuum trying to get every bit of carpet right up to the door. I could just open the door, and it would make things a lot easier…but nope….I guess that would require putting in more work so instead I’ll just keep slamming the door with the vacuum hoping it gets as close as possible.
 
 
 
 
7) Why is it that 72 degrees in my house during the winter feels FREEZING… but 72 degrees in my house during the summer feels like a sauna? I don’t get it! In the Winter, I turn up the heat to 75 degrees and I’m still chilled. Summer time… I keep the house at a cool 69 degrees at all times!  Don’t even think of messing with my temperature!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
8) Another thing that has crossed my mind that I can’t seem to figure out is why do they call football…”football?”.. Nobody is using their feet in football. Only in America, we call it football. But I think it should be called armball, or catch ball! I know that they do a kick and they use their feet to run…. but really if you think about it…. It would be more realistic to call it Catch the ball and run game instead of a football game. Or Play For Two Seconds Then Stop for Ten Minutes and Talk About It game. They call it basket ball because you put the ball in the basket, and they call it baseball because you try and make it to all the bases…. so I think we should change that. Even dodge ball is more correct. You dodge the ball as some asshole is trying to pummel you with it.  (to all you U.K’ers….I’m not talking about you. You guys seem to have the right idea about Football! 🙂
 
So there you have it. All the reasons I am completely and totally crazy! …Don’t judge…you know you are crazy too. 
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9 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. voluptuoustrainwreck
    Feb 27, 2015 @ 09:56:39

    I. Love. This. Post.
    You had me cracking up!

    Reply

  2. Joy Christi
    Feb 27, 2015 @ 12:00:37

    This just in:
    You craycray.

    I do most of this crap too.
    Except parking. After taking classes at a community college & getting. 11,349 door dings now park FAR away, not far from a cart return. Havent been dinged in years. My car either 😉

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 27, 2015 @ 12:51:31

      I mostly will park far away….but for some reason when I am at Costco I have this weird feeling like I need to park closer. It’s so lame!! Maybe it’s because all the food from there is fucking enormous and you need a crane to get it all to the car. haha

      Reply

  3. Cathy Langone
    Feb 27, 2015 @ 12:06:25

    LOL I do the snap back into reality at least a couple times a month! Im always like WTH!? How the heck did I get here…oh well good i’m almost there lol

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Feb 27, 2015 @ 12:50:16

      hahahaha. Exactly!! I bet all the aliens are laughing their asses off at how easy it is to abduct us and take half our brains. 😉

      Reply

  4. lisaeggs
    Feb 27, 2015 @ 23:11:51

    Vagina, this one had me really rolling on the floor! There is only one true burner as far as I’m concerned, and it’s that right front one!!! LOL!!! I have no idea how you keep coming up with this hilarious sh*t that is completely apropos to my life but I love it! And every chick who has a blog now has a book. Have you noticed that? YOU should have a book, Vagina, because you’re funnier than all of them and waaaay more loveable! I’ll come to the book signing! Just pretend not to notice that I’m way fatter in real life than I look in my pictures, k? Thanks babes!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Mar 02, 2015 @ 12:51:19

      Oh Lisa….I Love you so much!! Every time I see a comment from you it makes my whole day!! ❤ I have noticed that everybody is writing a book. I have been working on one for years, …but the problem is….I keep going through the self conscious crap, and I will walk away from it for months. I have to force myself to work past it, and just sit down and write.

      If I do ever get a damn book published….I will be watching and waiting for you!!! Not in a creepy way…, okay maybe a little creepy!! …

      I can't help it…I ❤ you Lisa!!

      Reply

  5. Trackback: We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??.. | Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again..

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LOUISE ALLAN

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