There is a lot of things I don’t understand. I mean, I like to consider myself as a somewhat smart individual, and I am an avid user of common sense where it applies, but when I stop and actually take time to think about some of the weird things I do… it makes no sense to me at all. Some of the things I do on a regular basis that I don’t even think twice about. I just do them. No thought involved at all. I can’t figure out why I do this. Maybe it’s falling into being in auto pilot mode with my brain. Most of the time I feel like my brain isn’t working to the full capacity that it is probably capable of working at. It seems after each child I pushed out of my Vagina, I lost a little bit more of my brain. And yet somehow, I still manage to function. Barely…. but I’m still making it!
When I do actually take the time to think about things, it freaks me out a little bit. Like why do I do half the crap that I do?
Have you ever been driving along and all of a sudden you snap back into reality. You have NO idea where you were for the last ten minutes. You are still driving and actually have made the right turns and you are heading in the right direction, but you were literally gone in your brain for ten minutes. That happens to me all the time. I wish I could say I went on a little mind excursion to a sunny fancy place and had margaritas, but the truth is, when I snap back to reality I have no idea where my brain was. It’s like an instant memory loss. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and they probed me and did horrible tests on me, and put a fake version of me in the driver seat of my car so no one would even think anything of it. They would just see a regular lady driving along singing the wrong lyrics to a song on the radio. Then when they are done probing me and doing all the things to me, they snap me back into my brain and do that flashy thingy from Men In Black so I forget all the things!! I bet that’s it!!
Anyway… Here is some things I do not understand at all!!
1) Why do I always use the front burner on the right side of my stove? No matter what I am cooking, I automatically go to the right front burner. All the other burners on my stove are almost in perfect condition because I barely use them. And if I have to end up using one of the other burners, I don’t like it all. It feels wrong to me.
2) Why do I drive around in a circle five million times waiting for the closest parking spot when I am at Costco? Honestly I can’t figure out why I do this because I am perfectly fine with parking farther out when I go to Target. But Costco…. it’s like everyone is fighting for that front spot! Five cars are lined up waiting for the lady that is taking ten years to put her gigantor size box of corn dogs in her car because everyone wants her prime spot!!
3) This is one that I have heard many people talk about doing, but once you realize you do it…. it’s like why the hell do I do that??!! When looking for a street sign I always turn down the music in the car, or scream at the kids to be quiet!!! I’m like… “Everyone shut it…I can’t find 333 blueball avenue with all that noise you are making!”… It doesn’t even make sense….. Like maybe if I listen really hard, I’ll hear the address approaching… and yet, ….I still do it!
4) So many times I am in a situation where I had the grande coffee that day, and all at once it decides to make it’s way right through me. I have to pee like a madwoman, and I start heading for the toilet. But the closer I get to the toilet, the more I can’t seem to hold the pee. WHY??? It’s like my bladder senses the closer I get to the toilet and is like…”Fuck you lady… I’m letting it go!” Well… fuck you bladder… this is not Frozen, and I am not Elsa!!!! Here I am trying to get my pants and unders down and start pissing all over myself!
5) I will literally vacuum over a piece of string on my carpet 20 times and still not bend down to pick it up. Instead I will sit there thinking about how my vacuum is a piece of crap and probably broken and now I need a new one. So I will go over to my computer and start looking at vacuum cleaners online and the best ones around, and open up three different tabs on my computer looking at reviews of vacuum cleaners. I will walk to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich because I’m hungry, and sit down with my sandwich at the computer while I am still looking at vacuum cleaners …and then figure I should check my Facebook…you know, since I am already on the computer anyway. So I head over to Facebook and sit there for three more hours “checking” Facebook. Finally close the computer… walk over to put the vacuum away, look down at the string that is still on the carpet… and step over it to put the vacuum away. Ridiculous!!! P.S. That string has been there so long, it’s basically a historical point now.
6) In keeping with the theme of the vacuum, ..another thing I do when I am vacuuming is if I happen to be vacuuming next to a closed door, ..I will get as close to the door as I can hitting it over and over with the vacuum trying to get every bit of carpet right up to the door. I could just open the door, and it would make things a lot easier…but nope….I guess that would require putting in more work so instead I’ll just keep slamming the door with the vacuum hoping it gets as close as possible.
7) Why is it that 72 degrees in my house during the winter feels FREEZING… but 72 degrees in my house during the summer feels like a sauna? I don’t get it! In the Winter, I turn up the heat to 75 degrees and I’m still chilled. Summer time… I keep the house at a cool 69 degrees at all times! Don’t even think of messing with my temperature!!!!
8) Another thing that has crossed my mind that I can’t seem to figure out is why do they call football…”football?”.. Nobody is using their feet in football. Only in America, we call it football. But I think it should be called armball, or catch ball! I know that they do a kick and they use their feet to run…. but really if you think about it…. It would be more realistic to call it Catch the ball and run game instead of a football game. Or Play For Two Seconds Then Stop for Ten Minutes and Talk About It game. They call it basket ball because you put the ball in the basket, and they call it baseball because you try and make it to all the bases…. so I think we should change that. Even dodge ball is more correct. You dodge the ball as some asshole is trying to pummel you with it. (to all you U.K’ers….I’m not talking about you. You guys seem to have the right idea about Football! 🙂
So there you have it. All the reasons I am completely and totally crazy! …Don’t judge…you know you are crazy too.