The 1st year of Marriage ~VS~ The 25th year of Marriage

The husband and I have been hanging out with each other for just about 28 years now. I like him…..I mean, he’s cute, …and he says nice things to me. He also buys me stuff….so….I keep him around.  When you have spent the majority of your life with one person, you get to know them in a way that they probably don’t even know themselves. You learn how to deal with each other and figure out what works. I am still hanging out with him all these years later because I like him. He’s fun to hang out with and he makes me laugh. That’s really all it is.  If you like someone and you enjoy their company, …then hang out with them. You will be much happier hanging out with the folks that you actually enjoy their company more so than folks that rub you the wrong way.
Anyway, …our anniversary is coming up, and I was thinking about how we were so young when we first started hanging out together. We were just teenagers. It’s funny to think back on how we did things early in our marriage and how we do things now. 
 
 
So I came up with some differences of what it is like the 1st year of marriage as opposed to the 25th year of marriage!…Not all things apply to all people.  It’s just for fun folks!~
 
 
On the first year of marriage – You snuggle in bed at night and face each other with your hands linked together. You have to hold hands all night because you wouldn’t want to possibly lose them…while you both slept!
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You build a blanket wall/breath blocker between the two of you because sleep breath is no joke my friends! “Stay on your own damn side please…and keep that stank breath over there with you!”
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You sneak into the bathroom to make your doodie business hoping that it’s not too big of a blowout because you would die if he/she heard the explosion!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You show them what you created in the toilet! and you both look at it with wonderment… 
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You try really hard not to fart in front of your person. You might let out a little bit….but you never let the blow horn BLOW!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – Not only do you let the blow horn blow…..you measure the intensity level by the sound it made wondering if your person actually damaged their butthole!! Unless of course if your person has eaten beans….then you are just PISSED at them and you walk out of the room…
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – Since you are still getting to know each other and how each other works, when you go to a friends house and team up to play Taboo,  you usually never win, but you end up learning more about your mate than you actually knew before you played the game! (hopefully all still good) 🙂 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You go to a friends house to play Taboo and everyone says “OH FUCK….not you guys!!! Forget it everyone….they are going to WIN!” and you always do win! EVERY DAMN TIME!!!! suckas…
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still light candles at dinner time, and put flowers on the table so it feels like a date!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You have taco tournaments with each other until you both feel like puking and lay on the couch with your taco filled guts hanging out rubbing each other’s bellies for relief!
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You listen intently to each other because you want to be a good partner and always give the other person your undivided attention.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You learn to say “Uh huh” A LOT!!! It’s not that you aren’t listening…but you learn to multitask and listen at the same time as wiping a kid’s ass, making dinner, ..and talking on the phone all at the same time! It can be done!!! 
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still go out on date nights to a fancy restaurant, and get drinks afterward. 
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – Date night always ends up at Walmart! ALWAYS!!! …”oh honey….we left the kids at home with the sitter and there was no toilet paper left in the house! whoops!”
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still learn new things about each other that you didn’t know. Your partner may say something that you have never heard before and you are still hearing new stories about them.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You literally finish each other’s sentences. Your conversations go something like this:
 
Husband – “Honey…did you know”…
 
Wife – “Yeah..I heard about that”…
 
Husband – “Crazy right?”..
 
Wife – “I know!! I also heard..”
 
Husband – “Oh yeah…about that thing”
 
Wife – “Yep!”
 
Husband – “I can’t believe”
 
Wife – “I said the same damn thing!!!”
 
 
You just know!!!
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – Maybe you guys are good friends and laugh at each other’s jokes and get along really well and it’s all very sweet.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – This person has seen me push people out of the hole in my crotch, this person has seen me shit on a table (also due to pushing people out of my crotch), this person has seen my body get cut open, this person has seen me on the floor crying my eyeballs out because I lost someone in death, this person has seen me make very bad decisions. This person has seen me gain weight, lose weight, attain wrinkles and gray hair, lose my perfect eyesight and need reading glasses.  This person has seen me at my absolute worst, and also at my absolute best! And still this person chooses to hang out with me. This person isn’t just a best friend, ..but so much more than that. A soul mate. 
 
 
The first year of marriage is a lot of fun. But there is so much more to look forward to. When you choose a person to walk your journey with on this earth, …they are the ones that will see all of you! So make sure you like them, …and Enjoy the ride!!…
THEN
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VS
NOW
LOVEEE
Notice the lack of hair! 28 years and 4 kids can do a number on a person’s head of hair!~
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And I am throwing in this preview from Louis C.K.’s new special because…HILARIOUS!!~
 

Netflix has Ruined Me!! at least it’s there for me…unlike every person….ever…

Don’t get me wrong…I Love Netflix! I am seriously addicted to it.  Now that Netflix is in my life, …I have realized that I don’t need anything or anybody else. It could just be me and Netflix forever….I mean, ..until I have watched all the shows. Then there could be a problem. 
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I never really watched that much television anyway, …but when I did…  I would get into a show and wait week by week for a new episode to come. I am one of those people with a very short attention span, …so once the show would go away for more than two weeks …I was over it. Some of these shows will have one episode a week for a month or two, ..and then BOOM…gone for like six months straight. I’m sorry but after six months I have moved on! I don’t have the time or patience to have to re-learn all the people and situations of a show. I’m busy!!! I have things to do…. blink, blink, blink… (whatever!!..I have things I “should” be doing but am choosing not to!! Okay?? Is that better???) 
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Anyway, about six months ago or so, …my sister got rid of her cable television and  went to Netflix! She said it was so much better because not only was it WAY cheaper, …you can watch episodes back to back. So I thought…eh,..I’ll give it a try. At first I was totally stealing some Netflix from my sister! They give you the option to have two screens in your house, ..so instead of getting my own, I totally stole her password and started using it to get on. 
 
 
 
Disclaimer – This information needs to stay between us okay?? You know NOTHING! YOU saw NOTHING!! you heard NOTHING! Got it??…
 
 
 
 
So yeah…I was giving Netflix a try! It didn’t take very long for me to get hooked. I started with LOST! I mean…obviously…..If you get Netflix, and you haven’t watched LOST then you are doing it wrong!!! It was so awesome! No commercials to fast forward through, and every time they left me with a crazy cliff hanger ending, I was like….”Too bad bitches…I’m going to find out what happens right now!” It was AWESOME!!! 
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I finished LOST and went straight on to Breaking Bad! Again….if you haven’t watched Walter and Jessie…GET ON IT!!! 
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One night, the kids actually got to bed early enough that I decided to start my show. I was midway through the 4th season of Breaking Bad and some shit was about to go down! I turn on my Netflix and I get this awful notice pop up that says… “Your Netflix account has been suspended!”… So I tried again….same notice pops up! I felt panic starting to creep up inside of me. I texted my sister…
 
 
Me – “Um, …what the heck is going on with Netflix?? This weird message keeps popping up when I try to get on!”
 
 
My sister ( A.K.A. – crusher of dreams!) – “Oh yeah….I am turning it off for a bit because I had some other bills to pay. I will get it back on but it probably won’t be for a few months or so!”
 
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….. “You know…..You should be more respectful when someone is “stealing” from you and not just cut off their supply like that! It’s just rude!!! What am I going to do now??”
 
 
 
My sister (A.K.A- crusher of dreams) – “Oh I don’t know…you could always get your own account!”
 
 
 
Me – *plugging my ears even though this was all in text! “LALALALALAL  LALALLALA  LALALA I can’t hear you….I can’t hear you!!…Are you saying something because…I CAN’T HEAR YOU lalalalala”
 
 
My Sister (A.K.A.-crusher of dreams) – “okay…so anyway….I will get it back on in a few months or so!”
 
 
 
Me – “FINE!!!! You should really think about taking up a career in crushing people’s hopes and dreams. You are really good at it!”
 
 
 
My Sister (A.K.A-crusher of hopes and dreams) – Blink, Blink, Blink……*at least I think she was blinking. I wasn’t actually there and we were texting all this so… yeah…
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I had a decision to make. Do I wait the two months for my sister to get it together so that I can keep stealing Netflix from her…or do I take the plunge and just get it myself. Well…obviously I can not wait two months to find out if Walter White actually poisoned that kid, I need to know NOW! So I called and made Netflix official! 
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Another disclaimer – If you are planning on being all judgy and saying things to me like… “Why can’t you pay for your own Netflix?? It’s only 7 dollars a month! Why are you “borrowing” it from your sister you cheap ass!”. Don’t bother saying it! I already know I’m a cheap ass! But can we all agree that if folks are “stealing/borrowing” from you and they are counting on you, that it’s bad form to just do the cutoff technique!!!
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Now that Netflix and I are actually official,…my love and devotion doesn’t need to be held back anymore by people that crush hopes and dreams! (calm the fuck down……Netflix is NOT my hopes and dreams! I’m fucking kidding you assholes!) – Sorry…I KNOW some fool is going to say something about that so I am replying in advance!
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Since Netflix and I have been going strong, I finally made it through Breaking Bad. I also watched all of The 100. And of course went back through and re-did all of Doctor Who, .and Sherlock! I am currently watching Weeds! I’m in the 7th season so NO SPOILERS PLEASE!! 
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The problem with having this relationship with Netflix is that I am now ruined from ever watching regular television again. RUINED!! I have NO patience at all for commercials. I tried to watch something on regular television the other day, and I got five minutes into it and once the commercials started I was OUT!!! I don’t have that kind of attention anymore.
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It’s funny because when I was kid, …we would have to actually walk up to the T.V. and turn the knob ourselves! It was barbaric!! You would sit there turning the knob until you could actually find a channel that came in good enough to watch. You would have to sit there moving around the makeshift foil antenna trying to find a channel that had reception. Ah…the good old days! Most of the time you would just give up because it wasn’t worth it. Or you would make your brother stand there holding the foil up to the sky until it came in and then he would have to stand there through the whole episode. Commercials and all!!! Those were tough times in our country!
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All I am saying is that I don’t know if I could ever go back. Netflix has ruined me! I am spoiled now. Not that I have ever been a super patient person anyway, but I have zero patience now.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch an actual show in real time ever again. Those days are gone! If I can’t sit and watch an entire 10 seasons of a show in 3 days, then I’m not watching it! But now it’s time to stop all this writing and go watch some more… See ya!
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STOP Fucking Hitting your Kids!!!

If you don’t like cussing or ranting,…or offensive things….DO NOT READ THIS POST!!! I am fully aware that I am going to piss people off, and I don’t give a fuck!! We all have opinions. You have yours and I have mine. Well, here’s mine. Take it or leave it! I am tired of always trying to be PC and not offend anyone. The internet is full of assholes all spewing what their opinions are.  Well, here I am, just another asshole spewing my opinion. WARNING: This post is completely offensive and full of bad words, and full of me standing on a soap box!
 
 
 
STOP fucking hitting your kids!!!!! Seriously….what the hell is wrong with some people! It has become a stupid trend to shame your kid and post it on social media. If you want to go viral…either video tape yourself beating the shit out of your kid…or shame them mercilessly and post it for all to see! BOOM  you will go viral!! Am I the only one that sees something wrong here?!
 
 
 
And what the fuck is up with you people that are so damn proud of showing off your discipline techniques. It’s like the more you hit and shame your kid…the prouder you are of yourself.
 
 
 
I am so sick of seeing people say I was hit growing up and I’m okay. YOU ARE NOT OKAY!!!! ESPECIALLY if you think it is okay to continue on and do that with your kid. Can we address a few points here please!
 
 
To the people that say spanking is not hitting – Are you a fucking moron! OF COURSE it is. Spanking is methodically hitting in one spot. It is to cause PAIN! It is to hurt! Hitting and spanking ARE the same thing!
 
 
 
To the people that say “I was raised with spanking and I’m fine!” – NO…no you are not fine.  If you can’t even see beyond that type of way to raise a child…YOU are not fine.
 
 
 
To the people that say kids that aren’t spanked end up in prison – This one has got to be one of the most ignorant statements I have ever heard in my damn life!!! Why don’t you take a little visit to a prison and ask those folks how they were raised. I guarantee 100% of them will say their parents either beat the shit out of them,….or abandoned them! Zero percent will say…oh my parents talked to me. They taught me by showing kindness and love to me! Half those fuckers are in prison because they beat the shit out of a kid who couldn’t defend themselves.
 
 
 
To the people that say you have to spank your kid to “TEACH” them – Okay….since when does hitting teach anything other than bullying?? 
Here’s a concept for you…How about BE kind to them…so they learn how to be kind. How about BE loving to them…so they learn how to love. How about BE respectful to them….so they learn how to respect. How about show them you are a kind decent person and earn their respect that way. Instead of the bullshit fake respect you get from FEAR!!!! 
 
 
 
 
To the people that say – “The world is going to shit because nobody spanks their kid anymore!”…..let me enlighten you. People have been spanking and hitting their kids since the beginning of time! There was a time when schools could hit your kid. It has ALWAYS been a thing. And the world is SHIT!! When has it ever not been this way? So you are saying the world was better before! Better when exactly? History is filled with violence….the bible is filled with violence. There has never been a time in our world that there has been peace. NEVER!!! There is always fighting, and violence and turmoil. ALWAYS! There is always bullying and people hurting other people.  How about this….Let’s try something different and see what we get. Let’s break the chain..and try something new and improved! 
 
 
 
If you think you are loving your child by hitting them, maybe you don’t have a clear idea of the true meaning of love. Love is NOT painful! Love does NOT hurt! DO NOT even try to say that loving someone is hurting them. That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard! Love is Love! You feel it inside of you. A kindness, …or a loving touch. When you say Love is painful…Then you are most definitely teaching your child that pain = love. And now here they go out into a world looking for pain, because pain to them = LOVE!!!
 
 
 
Oh and my favorite is…”I’m not my kids friend…I’m the parent!”…Oh…good for you. I still can’t figure out why when someone says this statement,.. the fucking thing goes viral! WHY do people LOVE to shame their kids?? I don’t get it!
 
 
 
I am proud of the fact that my kids see me as their friend.  My 14 year old daughter came to me before she went to anyone else when she was faced with a decision about peer pressure. She came to me and told me she trusted ME more than she trusted anyone else. We talked through her problem, and I was so thankful I was able to be a part of it with her. She respected and trusted me enough to come to me, and be honest with me. Don’t get it twisted…I am not saying that you should let a child do whatever the hell they want….or walk all over you, but to keep yourself open to them as a person they feel comfortable coming to.
 
 
 
 
Children are HUMAN BEINGS!!! They are the same as you!!! They deserve as much respect as you do. And they WILL learn it if you show them it. Children learn by watching you.  That is it. The only thing you are teaching your child when you hit them is, make sure and listen to people that hit you!! And don’t get caught!! You are either making them good liars….or making them afraid of you. If that is the end result you want…good job! 
 
 
 
I don’t give a FUCK if you disagree with me! I am SO fucking sick of seeing people beating or shaming their kid and being so proud of it! Hey….Let’s make better people…BY being better!!!!!
 
 
 
And don’t forget…You are going to be old some day,  and they will be the ones that have to take care of you. Wouldn’t it be nice if they actually liked you when that happens!
 
 
 
So chances are if you even made it this far, you either agree with me…or hate my guts! It doesn’t really matter to me! My only hope is that maybe one person will actually stop and think about it for a second. Maybe talk to your kid! Listen okay…if you have more patience with your dog, and would never go off hitting on your dog….then why would you do that to your very own crotch fruit!? 
 
 
 
I am in no way saying that kids are easy! Without a doubt, children are assholes!!…So teach them by BEING what you want them to be! 
I saw this on the website Humans Of New York and it is AMAZING!~
“Never laid a hand on her. And that was huge for me. Because it was always the first thing my dad did.”
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Let’s break the chain like this amazing, wonderful dad!
You could always listen to this radio show that Louis C.K was on. He says it perfectly!!
 

Bring Back The Waterbed!!~

Ah the 70’s and 80’s were good times weren’t they? From the fashion trends all the way to the music. Lava lamps were big, ..and so were leg warmers! My favorite pair were rainbow color and I wore those things until they started unraveling from the bottom up. I also had a pair of Reebok high tops that were HOT PINK!!! You could see me coming from two miles away. I actually wore them with my acid washed jeans and believe me when I tell you, I had the biggest hair around! My wings were something to be desired. I am pretty sure I could pick up any radio station on the other side of the world with those wings.

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This is my actual hair in 1987! That took 1 1/2 bottles of aqua net, .and close to 2 hours to achieve….EVERYDAY!!

One of the big trends that started in the 70’s and continued on through the 80’s were waterbeds. Almost everyone I knew had a waterbed in their house. It’s hard to find anyone with a waterbed these days. You know…if you ask me, people are crabbier these days. I think it has something to do with the lack of waterbeds!

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More Hair!! SO MUCH HAIR!!~

Here is the top 7 reasons why they should bring back waterbeds:

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1)  Nothing says OUCH quite like getting stuck between the hard wood sides and the mattress of a waterbed! I mean…when you got stuck… YOU WERE STUCK! You would usually end up with some kind of bruise or mark, and almost always came out of that full of splinters. It taught us to be tough!! Not like kids today with their soft mattresses, .and plushy futons. They are spoiled with all the cotton sheets, and super cushy micro fleece comforters.

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2) You KNEW when your parents were doing the nasty! You could hear it from the other side of the house. All the sloshing and waves they were making, there was no way you were going to accidentally walk in on that and end up scarred for life! Once it sounded like the Titanic sank, ..you knew you were safe to go near the room!..

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3) You always knew the cool people on the street that owned a waterbed because the fully stretched out garden hose draped through a second story window gave it away!! Sign of coolness right there folks!!

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4) Back in the day, we didn’t have much for entertainment…it was either use your imagination and make a tree house out of a stick, or lay on your parents waterbed for hours upon hours making waves! Just try not to think about the waves they were making earlier that morning.

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5) You never had to worry about monsters under the bed, …or things getting lost underneath the bed. Once you set up a waterbed… it is there FOREVER!!! For life!!!! The waterbed is not going anywhere….EVER!!! You can change around the dresser or the night stand table, but the bed…..nope, …it stays in the same spot forever!!!!!

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6) – Nothing really compares to how much fun it was jumping on a waterbed when someone was sleeping in it, watching them go flying and end up on the floor. With all these new fangled soft beds, …the most you would get from jumping on the bed while someone is asleep in it is the other person wiggling around a little bit!

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7) …And who can forget all those times you would wake up in the middle of the night because you are sure you pissed yourself just to find out there is a leak in the bed!

Good Times…

LOUISE ALLAN

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