A reflection on why Doggies are Assholes!~

Welcome my Guest Blogger today…This is a lovely reflection on why doggies can be such assholes!~ ENJOY

 

Ever since I was  three, I’ve had an affinity for dogs that nobody could quite understand. I had books on breeds, I watched talking dog movies, and I even pretended, often, to be a dog. But all of the this was before adulthood, when my dog dreams didn’t include dog poop, or dog training. With adulthood came the reality of owning a dog. This is a list of the embarrassing, annoying, or down right gross things my dog does.

 

1) Trying to “quickly” take Buster to the bathroom. It seems that whenever I am in a hurry, and running late, my dog thinks it’s a perfect time to procrastinate. We step outside, he trots to the grass, and instead of peeing like he should, he lays down. Apparently, sun bathing is more important than whatever I have planned.

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2) Pooping problems. At other times, my dog seems to be in a rush. On these days, Buster will begin pooping, but I guess he is too impatient to finish it just by standing. So, instead, he decides to start walking before he is fully finished. This is when my eyes dart around to our neighbor’s houses to make sure nobody is outside and watching. Because, seriously, it is embarrassing that my dog doesn’t know how to poop properly.

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3) Little dog, big temper. I don’t know what it is, but my dog hates other dogs. He is good with people, with birds, even with spiders, but other dogs drive him crazy. Once he sees one, he barks, he tugs, he growls, and the mo-hawk of anger puffs up on his back. SIDE NOTE: When this happens, “big dog” people tend to judge me. They immediately believe I allow my little dog to act like this, or that I think it’s cute. I DO NOT THINK IT’S CUTE. I have trained my dog to do many things, but this is one that hasn’t quite worked out. But I have tried. So, how about you keep your stink face to yourself.

 

 

4) Smoker’s bark. I have heard many small dogs bark, with their puppy-like yips that seemed to be somewhere between a mouse’s squeak and baby’s laugh. So, when I got a small dog, I expected as much. But, the first time I heard Buster bark, it ended up sounding more like a lawnmower that had been chain smoking for ten years. I just remember thinking, “WTF just came out of my dog’s mouth? Is mine defective? Of course I get the one chihuahua that sounds like frickin Godzilla.”

 

5) Noises. This horrendous bark comes out a lot now, and it’s always directed at my television shows. A horse gallops, and my dog barks. Some chains rattle, and my dog barks. Somebody fucking blinks too loudly, and my dog barks. Needless to say, I have missed most of the dialogue in Lost.

 

6) Other noises scare him. And I’m not just talking about thunder and fireworks like most dogs. Stupid crap. Like shuffling a deck of cards, the sound of my video camera turning on, or the fly swatter. Especially the fly swatter. I wish I could just talk some sense into him. Calm down, dude. It’s a fly swatter, not a dog swatter.

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7) Puking. My dog does it. Often. When I sit down with a good book, and I’m immersed in a dramatic scene, then suddenly behind me I hear, “gghhk… gghhnk… ggnnkkah.” The heaving noise is especially delightful at dinner time. I sit down for something delicious, and instead get to hear, “gghhnk.” Yum.

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8) He hates bleach. Don’t ask me why.

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9) Grass ass. There are times that laying in the grass isn’t enough, he has to scoot his but all over it too. He just really likes the feeling of vegetation on his rear… God only knows why.

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10) Lastly, the thing that annoys me the most is that after everything he does and through all of the embarrassment, I KEEP HIM. Maybe it’s his floppy ears or funny eyebrows, but somehow he convinces me to forgive every nasty, disgusting, stupid, idiotic, unpleasant, mortifying thing he has ever done, and I keep him… Son of a bitch.

 

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Thank you to my Guest Blogger Ariel Floyd!~

 

Outdoor Fuckery ~

I can’t help it…I am just not an outdoor kind of person! I have openly admitted to enjoying the indoors. The indoors offers things like 24 hours of Netflix, air conditioning, toilets, and toilet paper, soap, and comfy furniture to prop up your feet on. I like the indoors. when I go outside things happen. Bad things. I don’t like it.

 

When I was a kid, my parents were really big into camping. That is what we did every summer. The big camping trip!! We would load up all of our clothes and blankets,…pillows and a ton of food, and head out for a week to live in the dirt! The biggest memories I have from that time is this, I remember almost every damn time we went camping I ended up getting poison oak and poison ivy. EVERY DAMN TIME! I got it all over my face one time because I tripped and fell straight into a bush of poison ivy. Good times. I remember getting stung by a bee right in the middle of my foot because I was walking and somehow didn’t see the bee and because I was barefoot it stung me directly in the most sensitive part of my foot. I couldn’t walk on it for a few days because it swelled up. I remember almost drowning in a river because we were swimming in the nasty river and the current became too strong and I lost my footing. I was freaking out as I was heading down the river to who knows where, …but ended up making it to the edge by swimming as hard as I could against the current. Good times! I remember sleeping out under the stars and that all sounds really sweet, except the biggest memory I have of that is finding spiders in my sleeping bag, and them climbing up my legs and biting me. Good times! Then when you get home all of your blankets and pillows and clothes are covered in dirt! So much dirt!!! It takes weeks to clean everything you took on your awesome camping trip. Good times!

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The outdoors and I just do not mix! I know people like to camp, and hike, and swim in dirty nasty rivers with fish poop, …but I’m not one of those folks. When I go camping, I prefer the Holiday Inn with the swimming pool that is filled with chlorine so when all the people are pissing in it, …you know who you are…..then the chlorine is killing all the piss germs.

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Here are my top reasons for hating the outdoors:

 
1) Bird shit! I walked outside the other day and everything in my yard is covered in bird shit! It’s like they try and hit everything. The trampoline, the kids swing set, my table and all the chairs, ..covered in bird shit!!! Little mofo’s use the stuff in the yard as target practice for their poop!!

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2) Mosquitos! They are Blood sucking assholes and we all know it!!!…I walk outside for 3 seconds and I have 5 million of those fuckers all over me. Eating me alive!! And don’t give me the…citronella candle bullcrap. It doesn’t work. And none of that lame stuff on pinterest works either. Like the listerine idea, …or the pinesol idea! Give it up….mosquitoes do not care, they want your blood and they are going to get it….

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3) Bees! They aren’t like the mosquitos. They won’t swarm you the minute you get outside. They wait…sitting in the shadows waiting, until you sit down with your twisted tea and get comfy, .then Boom. They start slowly kind of flying around you at a distance. but you see it, you know it’s there. Then it gets closer and closer until the fucker is buzzing right past your ear, and you either swat at it…or run away…because…you know , bees! 90 percent of the time, those assholes take your drink, they either land on the rim of it, or in it!

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4) Bonfires! Okay listen, …I love a bonfire as much as the next guy, …it’s all super great sitting there watching the fire do the fire-y thing that fire does, …but why is it that smoke chases you? EVERY TIME!!! You are sitting there minding your own business looking at the fire, .and all of a sudden the smoke starts heading straight for your eyes, and your eyes are burning , so you think…I guess I’ll move over to the other side. You pick up your chair and move it to the other side and sure enough…the smoke moves too! It follows you. You move again….the smoke finds you! It doesn’t matter where you go , the smoke will find you, and invade your eye holes!

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5) The Elements! I love the sun, and sitting out in it. But the truth is, …if it is any hotter than 72 degrees or any colder than 72 degrees it is just uncomfortable. Anything above 80 degrees and you have sweaty butt crack and boob sweat for miles! It’s sticky and sweaty and all around yucky. Anything colder than 65 degrees and  now you need to go back in to get your sweater because you are getting the chills, …but then you need to change into pants because shorts just aren’t working at this point….and the flip flops are not giving you enough coverage so you need to pull out the socks and sneakers. At this point….why even go outside! Just stay in….it’s too much work!

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6) The Wind! Have you ever been sitting outside with your plate of BBQ and all of a sudden the wind picks up. Now you have all kinds of things happening. Not only is your hair blowing all over your face and sticking to your face because you are covered in sunscreen and bug spray, but all the crap that is blowing in the wind is now sticking to your macaroni salad and hot dog. As you try and adjust yourself and fix your plate of food, almost always a damn bug flies right in your throat! WHY????….why bugs???

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7) It’s been a long winter! My legs have not seen the light of day in many months. So now, here I am….in all my white legs glory for all the neighbors to see. And believe me…they look! They are sitting in there yard mowing away, and BOOM….what is that blinding light that is hurting my eyes…Oh sorry…it’s just my white ass legs!! Blinding all the people with my white legs. Well, that could be a plus of the outdoors I guess…

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8) The Yard Work! I HATE yard work! HATE IT!!! I know there are those folks that love to grow things and take care of their yards, and do all the fancy planting of things, …I am not one of these people. As I have said before, …there are only a few things I am good at. And taking care of plants and flowers is not one of them. I am a murderer of flowers. No matter what I do…they always end up dead. I don’t have one of those green fingers.  So keeping up on the yard is not my strong point. The husband will mow the grass, …but I have these neighbors that spend every waking moment on their yards.They are serious about it! Every section of the yard is perfectly manicured, and they get all pissy when mine isn’t. Well too damn bad! Lawns are not something I really give a shit about. Mostly because in 3 months it is going to snow and all that work will have been for NOTHING!!! I’m over it…

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So there you have it….All the reason that the indoors are a happy place to be!

 

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And here is a video that I made about Summer Vacation!~ 🙂

My grade is a Big Fat F ~

Have you ever felt like you are failing at life? Like if life was grading you… your grade would be a BIG FAT F!! That is pretty much exactly how I am feeling right now. I guess the best way to describe what is going on with me would be “trudging!”…I’m merely trudging along at this point. The thing is, I feel like I am sucking at everything. I am sucking at cleaning my house, I am sucking at getting my kids where they need to be. I am sucking at being a good friend. I am really sucking at getting any kind of dinner cooked. But in my defense I have always sucked at cooking so… you know…not much change there.

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It makes it even harder when you have people around you that put on the “my life is perfect , and if you just did things like me then your life could be perfect too…thing!” I feel like everyone struggles with different things in their life, ..and they are not all the same….but when you can look at another person and judge them so easily because their struggle is different than yours…it’s simply NOT COOL! I couldn’t think of the right word to use there…so I’m just going to say NOT COOL! When a person walks around with the attitude that they have it all figured out, and all is grand, it really does make other people feel bad. Because they start to wonder why can’t they figure it out. Why is it so hard for them to reach that perfection. I can not tell you how many times I have thought to myself, why can Suzy Mcperfect Mcgee from down the street get dinner made, the house cleaned AND the lawn mowed while still looking perfect in her bejeweled jeans, and I can’t even get my damn hair brushed. It sucks to feel like a failure.

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My true feeling on this is that some people may find it easier to get dinner on the table and get the house cleaned up, and the lawn mowed and maybe even crochet an entire blanket all in one day…but that does not make them any better of a person than anyone else. Some people are good at that. Some people are good at fitness, and eating super healthy and running 5 miles a day. Some people are really good at art, while others are really good at math. Where the problem comes in, is when someone is really good at something…like say fitness, and they assume that because this thing comes really easy to them, it should be easy for everyone. Narcissism at it’s finest!!

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People that spew their crap about how to be a better mother, or have a better body, or how to be a better wife! Give me a damn break!! I am so sick of it! I am tired of feeling like I have to live up to a certain standard because someone else decided that was the way things are supposed to be. Well guess what? That is not the way it is for me!! Just because you may be good at something, does not mean everyone else should be also. This is the main reason I do not join mommy groups! I can not take the judgement that other mothers spew out. It’s damaging and hurtful. I want nothing to do with that crap. Lately I have had a pretty good taste of  it because of all these field trips and school picnics I have had to go on, and all it has done is make me realize why I choose not to be a part of all that. I start to fall into that BS and compare myself to these other moms and I start to feel really shitty about myself. Wondering why I can’t seem to get a grip like them. Why can’t I get all the laundry done, or why am I late to every damn thing all the damn time and they are always early. I hate feeling like I am failing. Part of the reason I started this blog was because I wanted other moms to know that they aren’t alone. That they are okay EXACTLY as they are! And yet I have fallen into allowing myself to feel so judged and compared by these other moms. NO… I do not crochet and I can’t sew. I suck at cooking, …and I am a so-so house keeper. I really do try. I have 4 amazing beautiful kids and I can tell you that I love them with all that I am. So I suck a lot, …but when it comes down to it, …there is so much more to me than just a clean house. Actually I never have a clean house anymore so… But yeah! I am trudging, …I am failing right now….but it will be okay because I am still moving along and doing what I do!

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So listen, …If you happen to be one of these folks that has it all figured out,…that can get up every day and run 5 miles and hand make all of your kids clothes, and grow all of your own food,…that is awesome. That is really awesome, ..but I would bet that you may have something in your life that you struggle with. So maybe give other mom’s a break!! Maybe back off a little with your “you should breastfeed, ..or you should only buy organic, …or you should do things like I do because I know everything”…crap! The truth is,…no one has it all figured out. Not one damn person. So stop it because you are making people feel bad, and even more you are creating a shit ton of  frenemy’s that in reality do not like you at all. There are NO rules!! Just ideas…   So be nice…

 

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Want to see my Boobs??..

Let’s talk about boobies! Everyone loves boobies! From the very young baby to the creepy old dude sitting on the bench at the mall,….All ages love boobies. There are lots of different sizes and shapes of boobies. Mine have actually morphed over the years and changed shape. When I was younger they were perky and stood at attention. Okay…that is lie! “stood at attention” is the wrong word. They were happy boobies though. Now a days….they are tired. They used to be working boobies. They are in retirement now! It’s sad really,….they never received any kind of cool retirement gift for all the years that they put in.

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When boobies first start growing,…they are like little rose buds just forming. Often times one will start growing faster than another. That happened with me. And to this very day one boob always looks a little fuller than the other one. Silly boobs!!!
I happen to be one of those type’s of girls that has big boobs. I come from a long line of big boobied ladies. My mom still rocks a pretty big set, and her mom definitely wasn’t lacking in the boob department. My daughters have also been “blessed” with the wonderful family curse…*couch cough….I mean blessing.. of big boobs! No matter what your size is though, boobies are awesome and you can’t deny it.

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They do so much for us! I mean let’s face it….you can pretty much get most dudes and many ladies to do just about anything for you if you offer to show them your boobies. People like boobies. When things seem bleak and sad, boobies bring happiness and comfort.

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My daughter and I were talking about bras and she always uses an under wire bra. I personally do not use the under wire because I find them to be nonsense. It doesn’t work. For a person like me that has had 4 kids who basically sucked all of the life force straight out of my boobs, all an under wire does is sit under my boob. It does not hold them up or give me any sort of support whatsoever. I just end up walking around with a wire under my boobs. If you took away the fabric off the bra,…. the wire would still be stuck under my boobs because,..well, obviously!!

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Since there is all different kinds of boobs out there, ….you can find just about any type of  bra to help in the support of carrying around these precious gems that hang out on our chests. I mean come on….these things can produce milk to feed a human being and keep them alive. That’s pretty cool if you think about it.

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I’m not going to lie to you….I wish my boobs were perkier. There have been times when I am laying down and they disappear. Completely gone, ..and I’m like…”boobies where did you go?,….come back boobies.” Then I find them hiding in my armpits. Silly boobies!!!!

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No matter what size or shape,…all boobies are beautiful. never discriminate against boobies because well,…it’s not nice. Yes, some are younger and happier than others, but you have no idea what someones boobies may have been through so don’t judge the boobies!

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Have you loved a Boobie today?? Have you hugged a Boobie today?? Well if not than you should because boobies are awesome. And I guarantee that anyone who loves a boobie will get love right back, because boobies are like that…they don’t discriminate….they just love. Think about it…..Boobies bring love!!~ Love a boobie or two today…

 

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🙂 Happy Tuesday Everyone~

 

LOUISE ALLAN

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