I’m busy Dammit…

Hey guys. It seems like I haven’t written a blog or done a video in forever! I’ve had a lot of stuff going on. I have been so busy! I can’t seem to find time to do anything. I am slammed right now, and would really just like a break ya know. My plate is very full…Look at all this shit I have to do…here is a list of some things I have been doing lately:

 

EATING – yep, lots of eating. I like to eat!! Too much…Not in a good way either. Like the “you know you shouldn’t eat that but you are going to anyway aren’t you dumbass?”…kind of way…

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Watching Doctor Who re-runs, oh and dog whisperer re-runs, oh and New Girl, …plus HOUSE, and don’t forget I have been watching Sherlock re-runs, I also watched Mindy because she’s hilarious, and I watched The walking Dead, but not all of it. I hid my eyes during the super gross parts. So …technically I only watched “some” of The walking dead,…also I watched The Brady Bunch’s christmas special. Yep…it’s on netflix! .. also…FROZEN! A shit ton of FROZEN!!!

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I’ve been looking at pictures of dog’s with eyebrows on Google images. Seriously…..google dog’s with eyebrows…just do it!! Right now…

 

I’ll wait…..I’ll be right here.

 

hahahahahahaha RIGHT???..

 

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When I got tired of looking at dog’s with eyebrows, I started googling other things….like panda bears and baby giraffes. WARNING: whatever you do…DO NOT google blue waffles?? DON’T DO IT! You’re totally going to do it now aren’t you?..

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I Counted how many times I could pet buster in a minute. I kept messing up though because I would lose count and have to start again, then he got all pissy and irritated and would walk away…whatever..

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I was on pinterest for about 5 hours one day looking for some recipes and then it hit me….I can’t cook!!! Why the hell am I looking for recipes when I know damn well I am not going to read them…or even cook them. It was the pictures…..the food looks so damn good in those pictures.

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I noticed that the screen on my computer is fucking gross. What the HELL!!! Why does my computer screen look like I ate dinner on it?!

 

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I thought about the HUGE pile of laundry I need to fold…then forgot about it!

 

 
I also thought about the huge pile of dishes in my sink….then forgot about them..

 

 

 

I Decided I should color coordinate my towels with my washcloths because….why not…..So I started with the brown towels and realized how soft they were. I only laid down on them for a second, and about 2 1/2 hours later, I woke up and realized that I had to get the kids from school.

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So yeah….as you can see I have been really busy. Much too busy to do the things I should be doing! ..whatever that is….Side note: Before anyone says “you have too much time on your hands”…NO, that is not true! I just choose to use my time wisely by procrastinating. I happen to be an expert at procrastination okay. I’m just really, really good at it. If you need some ideas on procrastinating…you are welcome to use any or all of these.

 

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listening

 

KUMBAYA MOTHERFUCKERS

I did finally make another video! Here ya go…

 

Shit we do for our Kids!!!…

Having kids can suck sometimes! Not all the time…but sometimes. This does not mean I don’t love my kids okay. I do, but they can drive me absolutely 3 sides of crazy!! They can be real jerk faces sometimes. I guess we all can….but it’s worse when they came from your vagina and you let them suck on your tits so they wouldn’t die, and you do all this crap for them and they turn around and act like buttholes!! There are things that I do for my kids, that I never in my life thought I would have to do. EVER!! I never thought I would be wiping someone else’s ass other than my own. I never thought I would have to clean shit out of the crevices of my minivan because someone painted with their own shit inside of it. I never thought I would have actually been puked on straight in my mouth. I never thought I would have been pissed on in my bed, and just decide to sleep in it because I am too tired to get up. Well,…that last one I might have thought about….Vodka can make you do some crazy things!! 😉

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Anyway….as a mom of four…one of the things I can not stand and have never been able to stand is playdates!! I HATE them!! Maybe despise them is a better word. Why you ask?? I am not a social person. I do not join mommy groups and hang out in the mommy circles. When I had my first child, I did all the getting together with other moms bullcrap and realized how much I hate it. The problem is, I have these kids that always want to “get together” with their friends. Which means I have to “get together” with the parents. And I DO NOT want to get together!! I want to stay home and sit on my couch and watch re-runs.  I have no desire to sit for 3 hours with someone I barely know and try to come up with boring shit to talk about so my kid can sit in a room with another kid and fight about legos! Then when the kids start fighting, I’m dealing with this mom over here that thinks it’s all my kid’s fault. It probably is…but that’s beside the point. The point is, I didn’t want to be there anyway, and here I am looking at their stupid face, and I would rather be anywhere else.

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I know I sound like a complete asshole, but as I have said so many times before..I am an asshole. Just a really sensitive one. I am not so asshole..ish that I would tell the mother of this person I hate her face, but I really just don’t want to sit here and listen to her talk anymore.

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I would rather wipe 20 assess than have to sit for 3 hours so my kid can play/argue with some other kid, and have to deal with hanging out with people I have NO desire to hang out with. I do not want to get together with scrapbooking mommy bullshit! I did that!! I AM OVER IT!! It is not fun listening to the constant one upping of mom’s and listening to the “my kid does this and that better” and judging, judging, judging. I am  OVER IT!!

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Then you always have that one family….you know the one, that has the hoarding house and all the animals living in it, and you have NO IDEA who the parents are or what is going on, but of course THAT is the house that YOUR kid wants to go to ALL THE TIME!!! And they bug you and bug you constantly. “Can I go to joe’s house?…PLEASEEEEE, why can’t I go?” I want to say, because that is the nastiest house I have ever seen, and the parents scare the fuck out of me….but I can’t say that to my kid. Yet they won’t stop friggin bugging me about it. Instead I lie my ass off about reasons my kid can’t go to joe’s.

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Here’s the thing… why do we need to get our kids together for playdates anyway? Why do I have to deal with some shmuck I would never ever talk to because my kid wants to play with their kid. Play dates were not a thing when I was growing up. It was called go outside! Now the truth is my parents had no fucking clue where we were most of the time. We handled the playdate bullshit on our own. I went door to door of my friends houses and asked if they could play. It was either a yes or no.

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I realize this is coming off as selfish. And it is selfish I guess.  It’s more because I don’t want to have to hang out with people. Just because my kid likes some kid, doesn’t mean I am going to like the parents of that kid. Just because I have kids, doesn’t mean I have any desire to do all that mommy crap. I don’t want to go to birthday parties and baby showers. I just don’t!! Does anybody really even remember their birthday parties as a kid. I mean do they? I have had the big birthday parties for my kids, and I can tell you my oldest daughter who is now 22 can’t even remember the damn little mermaid party I spent 300 dollars on putting together for her. I went all out, and made it a big shindig, and she doesn’t even remember it. That cake looked like the fucking ocean and it had a mermaid coming out of it. How do you forget that!!

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Oh well…I guess add it to the list of “shit we do for our kids!!”

 I haven’t made a new video in a few weeks due to the “People of My Vagina!”  They just keep asking for things…like “Mom, I’m hungry,…or MOM I need to go to school!” Crap like that…..So here is an older video that I made and you can check it out if you like!! Have a great day!

Kumbaya Motherfuckers!~

Ladies and Gentlemen…A MUST READ!!..not really though

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Here is the thing…I happen to be a girl. I have a Vagina, and I have used it. Having a Vagina is not the only thing that makes me a girl. I just wanted to say Vagina…again. Anyway…when you happen to be a girl, there are things that we have to deal with that dudes don’t understand. Things that we think about and get paranoid about. Now I am not saying that dudes don’t have their own stuff that they think about or get paranoid about, but in most cases, it is just different than what a girl has going on in her head.

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Have you ever heard of that book Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars? I don’t usually like to generalize any gender or throw labels on anyone…I am just mostly speaking from experience of being a girl and having these thoughts in my head. So I came up with some things that girls think about or get paranoid about. Remember I am not speaking about every girl on the planet. I am not generalizing, I’m just sayin is all….

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We obsess about pictures taken of us. Especially if some asshole decides to put it on facebook and tag you in it. Then that picture is blasted straight up on your home page for all the world to see. We don’t want pictures of us having double chins floating around on the damn internet for the world to see. If I am getting tagged in a picture…it better not be showing my butt crack and making me look like I am 792 pounds. It’s all about the angles people. Everyone knows that you need to take the picture from up above so that your double chin doesn’t show, and you get a pretty good shot of the boobs at that angle which then covers up the gut. But then there is always that schmo that KNOWS your picture sucks and posts it anyway.

 

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Another thing us girls have to think about is that time of the month. You all know what time I am talking about. That awesome 5 to 7 days filled with having to go out in public and worry if anyone can see your pad puffing out the back of your pants and if it looks like you are wearing a diaper. Some girls use tampons which have their own set of issues. Like did it actually soak up everything or did it leak through on to your white pants. You are walking through the store only to realize that it feels a little wettish down there, so you start panicking thinking…oh shit…did I leak through. The bathroom is on the other side of the store…so now you have to walk all the way through the store with possible blood soiled all over the back of your pants and hoping no one sees. awesome….

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We also as girls worry about our weight. I know, I know….this is very cliche but it’s the truth. I often think we as girls worry about how we look in clothes more than any dude actually even notices. We worry if the new dress we bought accentuates the hips and ass area. I will stand in front of a mirror for days trying to get a glimpse of my ass to make sure it doesn’t look like I stuffed it into my outfit and it is billowing out. The reason we ask our guy if we look fat in the outfit is because we want to know! Do we look fat in it!! So answer the damn question and quit being an asshole. And make sure you answer that question with NO! …you look amazing in it!!! Just a little friendly advice guys…

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Girls often worry about how much food they might consume in front of people. Obviously if you are comfortable in front of a group of friends….you might not worry as much. But on a first date…the last thing a girl wants to do is stuff  her face full of 10 tacos. He might think she is a pig or something. The funny thing about that is…he probably would be excited that he found someone he could power eat tacos with!!

 

A girl often worries about the way she smells. Not just worrying about whether she has bad breath or not, but we worry if we stink at all. We are delicate, fragile creatures and we want to smell like flowers. That is actually bullshit!!! We are not delicate….NOR are we fragile. Most girls can fuck you up just as much as any dude can!! So stop with that …” oh, you hit like a girl” crap!! I think that saying should go more like this…” oh you hit like a dumbass!” because that would be more truthful really. There happens to be a whole lot of dumbasses hanging around on this planet.

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I decided since I came up with some things that girls get paranoid about….to be fair…I should throw in what dudes think about and what makes them paranoid! This is what I came up with:

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Penis Size!! That’s it folks….that is what dudes think about. Penis size. The thing is…most girls don’t give a flying fuck about a dudes penis size. If she says she does….it’s usually just to mess with the guy. All a girl cares about is if you know how to use the penis. You use that thing the right way, she won’t care if it’s so small she can’t even see it. You just need to know how to use it. And the truth is….you don’t even need a penis to please a woman in the right way. You just need to know how to use what you got. If you don’t know how to use it…then figure it out!!

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Dudes be talking about….”Am I bigger than your last boyfriend,  is my penis big and scary?” Listen guys….a bit of advice…..use your penis in the right way….and she will be yours forever!!!

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So there it is!! Remember don’t get all upset saying to me that all dudes aren’t like that and all girls aren’t like that!….DUH!!!

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Kumbayah Motherfuckers….

 

and look at my video…

 

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