YOU are Dead to Me…part II

If you cut me off just to get in front of me in the 10 items or less line, but you actually have 20 items… You are dead to me.

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If you knock on my door and repeatedly ring my doorbell when my kid is taking a nap… or I am taking a nap… You are dead to me.

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If you tell me “You have too much time on your hands” because I have a hobby… Dead to me.

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If you take my parking spot at the school, and you know damn well I park in the same spot every day… You are dead to me.

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If you show up at my house without calling first, then you are dead to me… Unless of course you brought wine, then you have redeemed yourself and can live…

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Outhouses are DEAD to me. Seriously, those things should be dead to everyone. There is no way to wash your hands in those nasty wasty things!! I’d rather shit on a tree stump. It would be cleaner…

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To the person that bought my 7yr. old a brand new pointy-toed mini barbie because the dog chewed off the feet… That barbie was dead to me…. and now you are…

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The driver side door on my suburban is dead to me! Absolutely DEAD!! The fucking thing won’t shut right…

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Every Lego ever made – DEAD!!!

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Every container of Play dough, kid’s Sand art, tie dye kit, beading jewelry necklace kit, crayola marker making kit, perler beads bag zebra striped 1000 count, crayola melt n mold factory, 50 assorted plastic stamp and paint set – ALL DEAD TO ME! I don’t have the time or patience for that shit! How about you buy us a birthday gift that is already made, cheap ass!

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AHH…The good old days when kids found their own fun…

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The loom rubber band kit with the 1000 band re-fill variety pack – DEAD!!! And now my vacuum is dead because it has sucked up a shit ton of tiny rubber bands…

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The make-up kit that my mom wants to buy my kid for Christmas will probably turn my white carpet into an array of rainbow colors. It’s already dead to me… and it’s not even here yet…

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If I have something in the oven, and it burns… then it is dead to me. I wanted pizza delivered anyway….

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The 10 degrees below zero weather we are having is dead to me, though it may kill me first…

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The squat-kick burn your ass off, and kill your thighs move in Taebo is dead to me. I am certain that the road to hell is paved with Billy Blanks squat-kick moves. Thanks Satan.

 
The hand controllers on my kid’s game systems are dead to me. I am positive they are covered in poop and boogers, and no amount of clorox wipes is making me feel better about it.

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The stretch mark on my stomach that made me get excited because I thought it was an ab… only to realize it is a stretch mark is now dead to me…. That was really rude!

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When the power goes out and screws up everything, and nothing in the house works, and I can’t even flush the toilet… then the power company is dead to me… Literally… I mean the power is DEAD!!

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If you continue to let your dog shit in my yard, then you are dead to me… as is your dog… and their shit!! And I know it’s their shit because that cow pie did not come out of my chihuahua!

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The hole I have in my sock right now as I am writing this is dead to me. The fucking thing is annoying me because I’m pretty sure my big toe is supposed to be IN MY SOCK! Fuck you hole!!! um, that didn’t sound right…

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The mouse that was under my kitchen sink is now officially DEAD! But the memories still live in my mind…

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I made a video!! Just for you!! ~ 🙂   Have A BEAUTIFUL Thanksgiving everyone!~

 

Happy Friggin Thanksgiving!!!~

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. Why every year Thanksgiving always has to be at MY house! Listen, I am not trying to sound like a complete asshole here, but as I have said in previous posts… I really am an asshole. I just am! I am also sensitive. I’m what you call a sensitive asshole!!  Here is some reasons why I DO NOT want to have Thanksgiving at my house…

 

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RAW TURKEY! I hate raw anything, but when the damn thing is the size of a small child, and I have to sit there and massage the fucker, and rub butter all over it, and stick my hands up its ass to get out its guts and head and whatever the heck else is stuffed in it…. then I hate it even more! Once I finally get the damn thing all ready and in the oven, then I have raw turkey juices on all my surfaces and I feel like my counters are covered in Ecoli.

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The 5 million potatoes I have to peel. In order to make sure that every person gets some  mashed potatoes, I have to peel 5 million potatoes. 5 Fucking MILLION!! I am standing at the counter and peeling, and peeling, and I always end up peeling a nail into the potatoes. ( if your coming for dinner… now you know)…and you basically need a pot the size of a beer tank to boil all those potatoes… which I don’t have, so every time the pot over boils and makes a HUGE mess…. Yaaaaay Thanksgiving!

 

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I DO NOT bake pies! end of story.

 

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Every other damn thing I have to make. Oh… we have too many starchy things… we need some greens. FUCK your greens. Now I have to come up with some kind of dish that involves peas and carrots or some shit because people need to have their greens. whatever….

 

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I ALWAYS forget the gravy because after making a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, fucking greens, and whatever else…. these damn people want gravy. Like I haven’t been standing in this kitchen for 6 plus hours making enough shit…. now everyone wants gravy too!!!

 

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While I am spending my ENTIRE day in the kitchen, everyone else is sitting on my couch watching t.v, and kicking back by the fire with their lazy asses asking me how much longer until dinner…. to which my response is this:

 

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It’s THIS much longer until dinner assholes::

I’m Fucking Thankful!!!!

 
I get all the food on the table and put tongs and spoons in the bowls for people to use…. but they never do! They never use the tongs I put in there, but instead use their nasty hands. USE THE DAMN TONGS!!!

 

'Have you washed your hands?'

‘Have you washed your hands?’

So it’s dinner time, and everybody sits around the table and talks about bullshit politics and religion, and why the hell Bob refuses to buy gas from Texaco anymore, and why Sue can’t eat gluten because it makes her shit her pants, and everything I made has gluten in it… so she wants us all to know that she is still going to eat it… but we should all expect her to shit her pants because she probably will! And what is wrong with teenagers today, and why isn’t it snowing, and blah blah bullshitty blah. Someone almost ALWAYS gets pissed off, and has to go outside for a cigarette,… even though they don’t smoke… and we are all sooo thankful!

 

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Now everyone is full, and too stuffed to move, so they move there fat asses to the couch to watch more t.v. while I stand in kitchen some more trying to find containers to hold this left over crap. I NEVER have enough room for the leftovers! NEVER!

 

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This is me.. standing in the kitchen… trying to find Tupperware…

 

As I stand over the sink just trying to deal with the mountain of dishes and food billowing out of my kitchen, people take turns shitting in my bathroom ( except sue who has no doubt already shit her pants) because they ate so much that they now need to shit. Yaaay…. my clean bathroom is no longer clean. So not only did I supply the food for these mofo’s…. they leave me leftovers….. in my toilet!!!

 

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Ahhh….Thanksgiving is over, and everyone leaves. My kitchen is full of dirty dishes that is going to take me close to a week to officially get through. My bathrooms are gross, and the mess in my house from all the kids is stupid! I will be cleaning for the next 5 days straight just to get it back to normal.

 

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Thanksgiving…. a time to be thankful, and be with the ones you love! Side note: I love my people very much, and am very thankful for them! I just think I would be MORE Thankful if we ate at IHOP for Thanksgiving this year. just saying….

 

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Well… I have a video for you!! I know this video will make some people upset, but just remember… I’m sensitive… so be nice…;)

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YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

 
If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

 
If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”

 

 

YOU might be a mom if.….

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You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.

 

 

If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

 
If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

 
If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

 
If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

 
If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

 
If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

 
If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

 
If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

 
If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

 
If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….

 

 

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

 
If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

 
If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

 
If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

 
If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

 
If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

 
If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

 
If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

 
If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

 
YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

 
If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

 
If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

 
If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

 
If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

 
If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

 
If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

 
If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

 
If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

 
YOU might be a mom if.

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If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

 
If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

 
If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

 
If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

 
If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

 
If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

 
If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

 
If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!

 

 
If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

 
If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!

 

If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…

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Just Kidding

 

Look…I made a new video… 🙂

 

 

 

 

READ THIS!!! Because I don’t have a title for it…

The other day, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me a story. I have no idea what it was about because about 3 minutes in, I basically stopped listening and started thinking about unicorns. Okay… before you judge me… listen, I don’t have that kind of attention span anymore. I can give you about 2, maybe 2 ½ minutes tops!! After that… I’m gone. So, she was going on about something…. (no clue)… but before I went off to unicorn land, I heard her talking about something being “deader than a doornail.” It made me start thinking about phrases and how most of them make absolutely no sense at all. Why do we even use these phrases? Most of the time we use them when we have no idea of what else to say. So I put together some phrases that I think should change. Here ya go:

 

1) Deader than a door nail! – I have never looked at a door nail and thought to myself, “That looks dead.” That phrase should change. It could be…Deader than a corpse. Now that would make much more sense. Or deader than roadkill.  “I killed that spider and it is deader than a smooshed raccoon on Main Street!” Makes sense right??  Side note: My diet is deader than roadkill!

 

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2) Dumb as a bag of hammers. – Alright…. A bag of hammers isn’t dumb. Technically, you could say that the person owning a bag of hammers is dumb, because why does anybody need a bag of hammers. I think one hammer is enough. So a possible alternative could be “as dumb as a person that owns a bag of hammers.” That makes more sense.

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3) A penny for your thoughts- Aww, how sweet!!… NOT!! Bitch my thoughts are worth more than a fucking penny! I have awesome thoughts….You want to shoot me a hundo, maybe I’ll give you thought. How about this? A hundred for your thoughts, and I’m not talking about pennies. I mean the leafy, green stuff.

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4) It’s raining cats and dogs- Okay… Who decided that dogs and cats falling out of the sky reminded them of rain? If you really stopped and thought about it, you would realize it’s actually quite a disturbing image. You think roadkill is bad… think about a bunch of cats and dogs falling out of the sky… the splats alone would be horrible, and no umbrella is saving you from that massacre. Plus you would be dodging dog and cat piss on top of fur balls and whatever else. NOT A GOOD ANALOGY! We should change that!

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5) This is more an observation on my part. Being that it was just halloween, and I now have a shit ton of “fun” size candy sitting in my cupboard. I want to address this. Who decided that a candy bar that is literally smaller than a fucking finger nail should be called FUN size. There is nothing FUN about it. Not only is it NOT fun eating a candy that is 1/2 an inch long, but you need to eat like 15 of them to actually even start having any kind of fun… which basically does the opposite effect, because then you just feel really shitty about yourself after stuffing 15 candy bars in your face! NOT COOL! They need to change that! Maybe call it crumb size candy bars! Because that’s what it is!! Put a disclaimer on the bag that you will in fact need to eat the whole bag to even experience any fun at all!

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6) You know the saying “what goes around comes around?” If you haven’t heard this yet… then you must live in a cave because this saying is widely used across the nation. Probably all over the world, in fact. I agree with this statement for the most part, but I have this major peeve about it. When people say it wrong, it just sounds stupid! The reason it says.. “what GOES around COMES around” is because when you put things into the world, it makes it’s way back to you. That’s it. What you give, you get back! That is what it means. So when people say it backwards like this… “What comes around goes around”… this makes no sense. It’s called karma, bitch.

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7) A chip on your shoulder- What the fuck??? Are you saying my anger automatically caused a chip to grow from my shoulder? If so, what kind of chip? Potato? Corn? Computer? I’ll tell you what, if their was a chip on my shoulder…. I wouldn’t be pissed off… I would need some dip! If someone said to me.. “you have a chip on your shoulder”…then my response would be… “get some dip, and let’s fucking eat!” 

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8) Close but no cigar- That’s rude. It’s basically saying you were almost a winner, but nope. You’re a loser. And what the hell kind of prize is that? You can keep your fucking cigar! If I win something, then I want some money or chocolate! They should change that… close but no 5 million! Or close but no reeses! Makes more sense to me!

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To finish this off… I’ve decided to compile a list of things that most people believe are “the worst thing ever” I agree with these! 

A cold toilet seat! – Having to sit down on a freezing toilet seat when you are already cold is the worst!! It sucks. You have to brace yourself for that first impact when you sit.

A warm toilet seat – It probably means that someone was just sitting and shitting! So, this could also be considered the worst thing ever!

A toilet seat, in general – To be honest, the whole toilet experience could be considered the worst thing. You can’t help but think “who has sat here before me?” “What is that unidentified substance on the seat?” “Why is the seat so fucking close the the stall walls? Elbow room would be nice.” “Is that… Oh God, is that somebody else’s pube?” Toilet seats suck.

 

When you are jonesing for a reeses, and you just gotta have one. You stop at the gas station, buy yourself one, open it up, and take a bite, just to taste powdery nastiness. When was this made, during the Civil War? That is the worst thing ever!! Those gas stations need to invest in some fresh reeses. NOT COOL!!!

 

When you have a nice big bowl of salsa, and you get your chip and dive in and the fucking thing breaks. Then you go in again… breaks again, and all you have left is a crumb of a chip that is not going to be holding any salsa, and rescuing it means getting your fingers covered in salsa, and it’s just a whole ordeal. After, you start anew with a whole new chip, and it happens again…. WORST!!!

 

Wet popcorn in a shared popcorn bowl!! Enough said on that!! GROSS!!!

 

And last but not least…. the toilet paper bust through. Don’t even act like this has not happened to you! When you are having a pastie poop, usually after taco tuesday, and you keep wiping and wiping, but the poop just keeps coming, and you think your TP is reliable, and what happens? Your finger busts through the toilet paper and now you have shit finger. I trusted you, toilet paper. Yep… that is officially the worst thing ever in my book. Or actually… maybe the worst thing ever is if it happens to the guy that is making your tacos, he has the finger bust through…and leaves the bathroom WITHOUT washing his damn hands then goes and makes your tacos…okay…THAT is the worst thing ever!!!  Well folks….I don’t have new video for you this week. I was super busy buying… I mean baking cupcakes for the kids halloween parties. 🙂 

 

LOUISE ALLAN

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