Christmas, Puberty, and Living the Dream!~

Twas a night before Christmas and all through the house… I kept hearing a man’s voice. And it wasn’t Santa!!!

As I stood in my room trying to wrap five trillion presents because I put it off all month-long and waited until the last second (even though I tell myself every year that the next year will be different and I am going to get everything done BEFORE Christmas eve at midnight, it never happens)…
I have done nothing to get ready for Christmas. NOTHING!! I mean except for making these cookies right here:

 

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I’m just saying…

NAILED IT!!!

Anyway…

As I’m in my room wrapping five trillion presents (calm down… that is an over reaction. I didn’t buy five trillion presents it just feels like five trillion presents)…

So there I am wrapping and wrapping and I hear a man’s voice coming from my living room. I thought to myself… “That’s weird… there isn’t a man in my living room. Why the hell am I hearing a man speaking in my house?”

I hear it again…

The only people who are home right now are ALL THE KIDS! And none of my children are men. The husband is at work and why am I hearing a man’s voice!

I sprang from my room to see what or “who” was in my living room, and what to my wondering eyes should appear…

My almost 12-year-old son playing video games!!

Me – “Hey… I just heard the weirdest thing. It sounded like a man was out here. What are you playing?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “I’m playing minecraft!”

Me – “Wait! What?? Is something wrong with your voice? Are you sick? You sound like you might be sick? Is your throat okay?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “Yeah. I’m fine! I feel fine. It’s probably just POOOOOOOOOOBERTY!!”

Me – Blink.. Blink.. Blink…

 

 
The 10-year-old girl who was sitting in the room with him – “Yeah well at least your pooooberty is only getting a weird voice… I have to get boooobs!!!!”

 

 

Me – blink.. blink.. blink..

 

 
***This here is a representation of living the dream you guys!!! I’m LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!

So there it is.  My Christmas gift! My almost 12-year-old boy went to bed with the voice of a cute little munchkin pie, and woke up with the voice of a 30-year-old man-child that smoked during a phase in his twenties!

**sigh…

I’m sad! Look, okay, I know the way this works. Our kids grow up and become full-grown people. I’m just not ready yet. NOT YET! And nobody told me that one day you will wake up and your son will sound like a trucker. It happened just like that! No squeaking phase or weird ups and downs in his voice. It just changed.

Well… I guess I need to start getting used to him becoming a man. I mean… he did call puberty… “POOOOOOOBERTY!!” There is still that!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all the celebrations that you hold near and dear to your heart! I hope 2017 is going to be the best year yet!!

**Even if it means my sweet little boy has officially crossed over into man-child status! And as we all know… they never really leave man child status!

 

 

 

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Happy Friggin Thanksgiving!!!~

Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again..

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. Why every year Thanksgiving always has to be at MY house! Listen, I am not trying to sound like a complete asshole here, but as I have said in previous posts… I really am an asshole. I just am! I am also sensitive. I’m what you call a sensitive asshole!!  Here is some reasons why I DO NOT want to have Thanksgiving at my house…

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RAW TURKEY! I hate raw anything, but when the damn thing is the size of a small child, and I have to sit there and massage the fucker, and rub butter all over it, and stick my hands up its ass to get out its guts and head and whatever the heck else is stuffed in it…. then I hate it even more! Once I finally…

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The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
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But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

Things I WILL miss~ VS ~Things I WILL NOT miss…

Have you ever been sitting there chatting with someone, and maybe venting about something your kids did that day because sometimes it helps to vent it out and find solidarity with another person that possibly understands, and then they come back to you with this statement “You are going to miss this one day!”… Oh….really?? Am I?? Well thanks for the “advice” but I am totally and completely allergic to receiving parenting advice from other people. Mostly because I have been a parent myself long enough that there is really nothing anyone can tell me at this point that I have not already experienced, or knew someone that had experienced.  I am not saying that the people that throw out this generic statement of missing all the things are being malicious or rude when they say it. I just think it is a very unthought out response. Now just because a person is venting, it doesn’t always mean they are looking for an answer. Most of the time it’s just a kind ear or a connection. This statement of “Just wait…you will miss this one day” is not only generic and really said without any thought….it is not always true. I agree that I will miss some things, …and I already do. But I am positive there are things that I will not at all miss and actually be glad that they are finally gone. So I made a list….You know I had to make a list right??.. Here is a list of some things that I will NEVER EVER miss once my kids outgrow them. And some things that I will…
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss getting poo on my hands. NEVER! I don’t like poo. In fact,…I hate it! It’s stinky and gross, and it’s even worse when it’s someone else’s  poo. I can promise you…I will never miss getting poo on my hands from changing diapers. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss wiping someone’s ass that isn’t my own. I don’t even want to wipe my own ass. Like seriously…..we are in 2015…how have they not come up with something better than toilet paper! And don’t even come at me with a bidet! I personally have never used one, but I can see everything wrong with the concept of it. Water squirting all over a poopy ass is doing nothing but making poopy mud ass.
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking through Walmart, and having my two year old decide right then and there was a good time to throw a massive all out tantrum! It happens sometimes. They get tired and crabby and all of a sudden BOOM….possessed two year old sitting in a cart in Walmart! Picture a zombie from Walking Dead gnawing on a person’s leg…..yeah….that! I will never miss all the people staring at me while I am trying to take the tantruming two year old out of the store while they are kicking and screaming, and everyone thinks you are abducting someone’s child because this kid obviously hates you!
 
 
 
 
Disclaimer – I have four kids, and not all of them threw tantrums. So before you say some stupid remark about how kids shouldn’t throw tantrums and it’s the parents fault….I would like you first to ask YOUR mom if you ever threw a tantrum, then get back to me and leave your stupid comment! Out of four kids, …I have two that always threw tantrums and two that never threw tantrums. It is a personality thing! Two of my kids happen to be more assholey than the other two.. It just worked out that way!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss sleeping in pee! I have slept in pee many times…..pee that is not my own. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking around on two hours of sleep, and not even realizing that you put your underwear on the outside of your pants until you are standing in the doorway with your hair completely mangled and messy, a coffee cup in your hand, …and puke on your shirt and the child trying to sell you girl scout cookies is afraid of you and tells you that you are wearing underwear over your pants!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss seeing a kid pick his boogery nose! NOT EVER! I just gagged writing that!!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss hearing my children scream at each other like they are going to kill each other, and then hearing the CRASH of something just to have one come out and say…”He threw something at me and it just missed my head!” 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping on Legos!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping in unknown puddles!!!! ( from kids, or animals)
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss the constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother. And actually….I will probably always feel that way. Maybe one day, when my kids are all grown up and have family’s of their own, I will have a moment of feeling like I did okay, and everything is okay. But for now…it seems I am always thinking I need to do a better job somehow. Which is why as mom’s we should be helping to lift each other up rather than making each other feel bad about the way we are doing things.
 
 
 
 
But you know what….there is definitely some things that I WILL miss. And I already do.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss rocking my tiny baby for hours on end. Sitting there with my baby, rocking back and forth knowing that nothing else in the world matters in that very moment. Just you and your baby. No place you have to be, …no one you have to talk to…..melting into the essence of your precious baby.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching my two year old dance around in his HULK boxer shorts that he wore for two straight years because they were his favorite! I still think about those HULK shorts and it gets me choked up.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss my chunky toddler wrapping herself around my legs and saying…”GO MOMMA GO” and me trying to walk with her attached to my legs.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss snuggling with my babies at night and feeling their little breath on my chest and having their big heads laying directly on my heart!
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss the constant background of sound effects that my son makes. No matter what is going on….there is sound effects happening in the background.  I love those sounds. It is him playing and using his imagination.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching their little faces light up after every new milestone they achieve. Like walking, ..and tying shoes. The first time my son was able to catch a baseball with his mitt. The look of pride on his face. The first time my daughter passed a spelling test with flying colors even though she had been struggling for months. Seeing her face beam with pride. Watching my oldest daughter receive her diploma after all the hard work she put in and there she is holding it in her hands, huge smile across her face, ..knowing she did it!!  Those moments I want to hold on to forever! I hold them in my heart.
 
 
 
 
There is so many things I WILL miss. I cry just thinking about it. But that’s what becoming a parent is all about.  And that’s what makes all the things I will not miss, worth it in the end!!
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I will miss this~
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Have you been to your kid’s school concert yet?? …READ THIS FIRST

It’s that time of year again… the end of school time. The time when the kids have a million field trips to go on, and a ton of class picnics and I have to attend every single one! -_- There are also the kids choir concerts and end of school music programs that we have to attend or the kids will be all upset and never get over it!! I feel like I have been to a million and 3 music concerts for my kids this year. It seems like they have one for ever single occasion possible. Now listen, I think it is super cute that my kids learn some songs and get on stage and do a little number for all the parents…. but the truth is, if you have seen one, then you have seen them ALL!!! It’s true. After your second choir concert, trust me, you will be OVER it! They are all the same. A shit ton of people stuffed into a tiny gymnasium trying to watch their kids sing a song really badly that you have already heard them singing at home for the last month because they had to practice! Good Times!! I noticed the different types of folks that always attend these things, and I thought… eh, why not write about it! I couldn’t actually take in a deep breathe anyway due to the guy that was next to me because either he forgot to put deodarant on or he just chooses not to wear it. So instead of breathing, I jotted down notes about the different people at kid’s school music concerts. So here ya go:

 

There is the new parent of the baby: This is the parent that has their baby in the stands with them and they figure what better time to coo and tickle their infant, nibble their feet and bite at their belly, while expecting you to admire how cute their adorable little bundle of joy is! Babies are cute… I totally get it… I have a few myself. But sitting in the stuffy hot stands pressed up against a thousand other parents… I have lost my ability to see the cute in ANY damn thing! Also, I might be a bit jealous that they can use their baby as an excuse to leave early if it fusses… Whatever.

 

There is the “actually interested” parent: They sit with super intensity and all focus on their child. Their hand on chin with super focus! They refuse to seem bored, nodding their head the whole time as if the music is touching their very soul to the core. It’s not like we are listening to Mozart here.

 

There are the folks with the death glare: You make eye contact with them and they are GRUMPY!!! You don’t want to be there either, but at least you are trying to put on a happy face so as to not show your complete and utter hatred of sitting in those stands. Yes, you are dying from the inside out, but at least nobody is aware of your withering hopes and dreams. But these folks… they don’t even try to fake happiness. They are friggin pissed off at having to sit there and every damn person is going to know it!!! They want to GO HOME NOW!!! or at least to Starbucks…

 

There is the talker: You know who you are!! The same folks that talk during a movie in the theater. You talk through the whole damn thing, which is fine considereing most people probably aren’t even listening to the singing… but your talking is worse than the actual singing that is happeneing. So, you know what song they are singing? Good for you. Oh, you helped your kid practice everyday? Good for you. You tried to make tacos for dinner last night but the beans burnt and so you had to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch again just to have the dog eat the next batch of beans? Good for you? Crap, I don’t know how to respond. Just shut up and listen to the chorus of dying moose we are all so proud of.

 

There is the “I Know everybody” person: Before the concert even starts this person sits near the entrance always watching everyone who comes in so they don’t miss anyone that they might know. They spend most of the music concert waving and mouthing things to other people. Maybe changing seats to get even closer to all the people that they know. After the show they are still hanging around even after all the kids have left and most people have left, ..but there they are still chatting away with all the folks they know. They are sooo popular… Let me just say, bragging about how many people you know is not actually impressive. I know my dog pretty damn well, do I somehow seem cooler now?

 

There are the folks that see life through a lens: They spend the entire concert watching the concert through the lens of a phone or video camera. They may end up making their way to the front of the gymnasium because they are worried about missing something… yet they pretty much have missed the whole thing. But at least they get to watch it later on a screen the size of my toe nail… because that sounds better than experiencing it in real life. And can we just be honest for a minute… how many people ACTUALLY go back and re-watch kid concerts?? yeah… like none..

 

There is the texter: They spend the whole time texting someone… .anyone…. just as long as no one talks to them… and they don’t have to engage in anything… then all is well!

 

There is the nodding off person: They start out with great intentions… watching the kids sing “row, row, row your boat gently down the stream”… but by the time they get to “merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily… life is but a dream”…their eyes are shut! They repeatedly try and open them back up and listen to more of the song… but theycan’t help it, that lullaby is too much for them, and those kids sweet voices are singing them into slumber land! In the end, this person becomes entertainment for bored neighbors who find his head bobbing amusing.

 

You have the early person: They were the first person in the gymnasium. They wanted a good seat and they were not going to take any chances . So they were actually there before they had even set up the overflow chairs. Sitting smack dab right in the middle of the gymnasium at the very perfect spot with a big smile like… Too bad bitches…Early worm gets the bird…or something like that…

 

You also have the late person: The one that barely made it out the door and can not find a parking spot to save their life because they are all taken. Finally they have to park way down the street and walk the length of the Sahari desert to get to the school. They arrive in the gymnasium and the kids have already started singing “row, row,row your boat.” They look in the stands and see some folks nodding off, and some folks with their video cameras, a few people that have angry faces, and someone texting on their phone. Even the overflow chairs are all taken up so they end up standing on the wall in the back of the gym and they can’t even see their kid the entire time. So they spend the whole concert checking out other people so they can write a blog post about it later…

mf

A video for you~

Summer Fuckery~

Well folks, …it’s almost that time again. The time when the kids are going to be home EVERY DAMN DAY!! Now I am not saying I don’t like having my kids around every day,…but the truth is I don’t like having my kids around every day! ….Sometimes You just need a break ya know. There have been some mornings where they are arguing and fighting, and they won’t get dressed and didn’t finish the homework and all I keep thinking is, get them in the car and drop them off and you will be FREEEEE!! I know that sounds bad, and I don’t mean it like that…but I actually really do mean it like that. Kids suck sometimes. Which is why I am so thankful and grateful for my kids teachers. These people not only have to deal with my kids, but a whole classroom full of kids. An entire room full of  little people with their fingers up their noses and some of them actually eat what they pull out of their nose…(excuse me while I go puke for a minute).. and an entire room full of kids that possibly have any or all of these conditions…Lice/pink eye/puking flu/ diarrhea/ …and on occasion Pee Pants! So the truth is, these people are exceptional and if you haven’t thanked your kids teacher today,….you totally should! And maybe leave some wine….

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Anyway..one of the things I love about having my kids home is being able to sleep in, and not have to get up and get dressed and all the stuff you gotta do. I know there are some awesome moms who still have to do that throughout summer because of their jobs and you ladies deserve lots and lots of wine!!! Being a mom is a hard job! Whether you work outside of the home or inside of the home…it’s still hard!

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I have to be honest with you guys though…..I am OVER the field trips and class picnics now! For some reason this is the month of field trips and picnics and get togethers and I just don’t want to! I DON’T WANT TOO!!!

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The one thing about summer that I can honestly say I am not excited about is that whole camping thing that everyone wants to do all the time. Listen…if you like to go sit out on a 100 degree day under a tree and swat at mosquitoes then by all means…go for it. I happen to be one of those indoor type of people. I’m not really a fan of bugs and dirt, and no way to wash your hands after you shit over a log because there was no proper toilets around. That’s just me though. I am weak…it’s true! Camping for me is sitting on my porch,…so I guess I will be camping this summer.

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I am ready to sit on my back porch and put my feet in a blowup pool while simultaneously drinking iced tea that has been spiked with Vodka because…well….NO MORE SCHOOL!!! So the chances of needing to spike the iced tea are going to be at an all time high. I guess you could say this whole kid’s off for summer thing is kind of bittersweet. It’s like I will no doubt be drowning in laundry and dishes having these people around all the time, but at the same time….NO MORE making lunches and field trips. So…I say…BRING IT ON SUMMER! I am ready…..wait,….maybe I’m ready…..um,

mf

A video for your entertainment!~

 

 

YOU are dead to me…

Check it out!~

Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again..

If I sit down at a restaurant and I ask for coffee, and you bring me decaf…You are dead to me.

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If I am in the grocery store buying 2 or “more” bottles of Vodka, and 2 or “more” containers of Ben & Jerry’s, and you ask if I am having a party… then you are dead to me! This is a normal night bitch! Don’t judge…

If I am walking to my car, and you look over the fence to inform me about how high my grass is getting, then you are dead to me.

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Blankets that are too short, when you pull them up over your shoulders, and your feet poke out… they are dead to me. I wanted a blanket, not a napkin.

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If you sneeze without covering within a 1/2 mile radius of where I am… Dead to me.


When I am walking by a door…

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