Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)
The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind… and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:
For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!
I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall!
The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:
1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi. You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog!
2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:
3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.
4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!
5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)
The conversation would probably go like this:
“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”
So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:
Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again.. 