Welcome my Guest Blogger today…This is a lovely reflection on why doggies can be such assholes!~ ENJOY
Ever since I was three, I’ve had an affinity for dogs that nobody could quite understand. I had books on breeds, I watched talking dog movies, and I even pretended, often, to be a dog. But all of the this was before adulthood, when my dog dreams didn’t include dog poop, or dog training. With adulthood came the reality of owning a dog. This is a list of the embarrassing, annoying, or down right gross things my dog does.
1) Trying to “quickly” take Buster to the bathroom. It seems that whenever I am in a hurry, and running late, my dog thinks it’s a perfect time to procrastinate. We step outside, he trots to the grass, and instead of peeing like he should, he lays down. Apparently, sun bathing is more important than whatever I have planned.
2) Pooping problems. At other times, my dog seems to be in a rush. On these days, Buster will begin pooping, but I guess he is too impatient to finish it just by standing. So, instead, he decides to start walking before he is fully finished. This is when my eyes dart around to our neighbor’s houses to make sure nobody is outside and watching. Because, seriously, it is embarrassing that my dog doesn’t know how to poop properly.
3) Little dog, big temper. I don’t know what it is, but my dog hates other dogs. He is good with people, with birds, even with spiders, but other dogs drive him crazy. Once he sees one, he barks, he tugs, he growls, and the mo-hawk of anger puffs up on his back. SIDE NOTE: When this happens, “big dog” people tend to judge me. They immediately believe I allow my little dog to act like this, or that I think it’s cute. I DO NOT THINK IT’S CUTE. I have trained my dog to do many things, but this is one that hasn’t quite worked out. But I have tried. So, how about you keep your stink face to yourself.
4) Smoker’s bark. I have heard many small dogs bark, with their puppy-like yips that seemed to be somewhere between a mouse’s squeak and baby’s laugh. So, when I got a small dog, I expected as much. But, the first time I heard Buster bark, it ended up sounding more like a lawnmower that had been chain smoking for ten years. I just remember thinking, “WTF just came out of my dog’s mouth? Is mine defective? Of course I get the one chihuahua that sounds like frickin Godzilla.”
5) Noises. This horrendous bark comes out a lot now, and it’s always directed at my television shows. A horse gallops, and my dog barks. Some chains rattle, and my dog barks. Somebody fucking blinks too loudly, and my dog barks. Needless to say, I have missed most of the dialogue in Lost.
6) Other noises scare him. And I’m not just talking about thunder and fireworks like most dogs. Stupid crap. Like shuffling a deck of cards, the sound of my video camera turning on, or the fly swatter. Especially the fly swatter. I wish I could just talk some sense into him. Calm down, dude. It’s a fly swatter, not a dog swatter.
7) Puking. My dog does it. Often. When I sit down with a good book, and I’m immersed in a dramatic scene, then suddenly behind me I hear, “gghhk… gghhnk… ggnnkkah.” The heaving noise is especially delightful at dinner time. I sit down for something delicious, and instead get to hear, “gghhnk.” Yum.
8) He hates bleach. Don’t ask me why.
9) Grass ass. There are times that laying in the grass isn’t enough, he has to scoot his but all over it too. He just really likes the feeling of vegetation on his rear… God only knows why.
10) Lastly, the thing that annoys me the most is that after everything he does and through all of the embarrassment, I KEEP HIM. Maybe it’s his floppy ears or funny eyebrows, but somehow he convinces me to forgive every nasty, disgusting, stupid, idiotic, unpleasant, mortifying thing he has ever done, and I keep him… Son of a bitch.
Thank you to my Guest Blogger Ariel Floyd!~
Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again.. 