Christmas, Puberty, and Living the Dream!~

Twas a night before Christmas and all through the house… I kept hearing a man’s voice. And it wasn’t Santa!!!

As I stood in my room trying to wrap five trillion presents because I put it off all month-long and waited until the last second (even though I tell myself every year that the next year will be different and I am going to get everything done BEFORE Christmas eve at midnight, it never happens)…
I have done nothing to get ready for Christmas. NOTHING!! I mean except for making these cookies right here:

 

 

I’m just saying…

NAILED IT!!!

Anyway…

As I’m in my room wrapping five trillion presents (calm down… that is an over reaction. I didn’t buy five trillion presents it just feels like five trillion presents)…

So there I am wrapping and wrapping and I hear a man’s voice coming from my living room. I thought to myself… “That’s weird… there isn’t a man in my living room. Why the hell am I hearing a man speaking in my house?”

I hear it again…

The only people who are home right now are ALL THE KIDS! And none of my children are men. The husband is at work and why am I hearing a man’s voice!

I sprang from my room to see what or “who” was in my living room, and what to my wondering eyes should appear…

My almost 12-year-old son playing video games!!

Me – “Hey… I just heard the weirdest thing. It sounded like a man was out here. What are you playing?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “I’m playing minecraft!”

Me – “Wait! What?? Is something wrong with your voice? Are you sick? You sound like you might be sick? Is your throat okay?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “Yeah. I’m fine! I feel fine. It’s probably just POOOOOOOOOOBERTY!!”

Me – Blink.. Blink.. Blink…

 

 
The 10-year-old girl who was sitting in the room with him – “Yeah well at least your pooooberty is only getting a weird voice… I have to get boooobs!!!!”

 

 

Me – blink.. blink.. blink..

 

 
***This here is a representation of living the dream you guys!!! I’m LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!

So there it is.  My Christmas gift! My almost 12-year-old boy went to bed with the voice of a cute little munchkin pie, and woke up with the voice of a 30-year-old man-child that smoked during a phase in his twenties!

**sigh…

I’m sad! Look, okay, I know the way this works. Our kids grow up and become full-grown people. I’m just not ready yet. NOT YET! And nobody told me that one day you will wake up and your son will sound like a trucker. It happened just like that! No squeaking phase or weird ups and downs in his voice. It just changed.

Well… I guess I need to start getting used to him becoming a man. I mean… he did call puberty… “POOOOOOOBERTY!!” There is still that!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all the celebrations that you hold near and dear to your heart! I hope 2017 is going to be the best year yet!!

**Even if it means my sweet little boy has officially crossed over into man-child status! And as we all know… they never really leave man child status!

 

 

 

I’m Angry… Really Angry!

Here it is, a few days after Christmas and almost a brand New Year to start things fresh, and all I feel is anger! Coursing through every vain in my body. And no matter how many times I try to deny it, or not feel it… I can’t seem to make it go away. 

 

 

It makes me feel bad. I know we are suppose to be happy, joyous and always choose to feel love. But sometimes things happen in our lives. Things that makes us feel angry. Things that make us sad. Those feelings are just as real as feeling happiness and joy. They are just as real and all consuming. The problem is that when you have anger and rage inside of you, you also feel like it’s wrong. You are not suppose to have those feelings because those are the wrong feelings. They are the feelings of the “bad” people. Good people are always happy and feel love for all things. And because you feel wrong, you spend so much time trying to figure out how to get out of that feeling and change it to happiness so that you aren’t “wrong.” 

 

 

Well… I have decided to call BULLSHIT on this! Right now at this time in my life.. I am ANGRY!!! I am really really angry. 

 

 

I have tried to meditate, but every time I sit down I feel the anger rising up into my throat like bile. I have tried to watch happy, thought provoking videos and two minutes into the video I am wanting to throw the screen out my front window. I have read article after article about how to be happy inside. I have tried to change this feeling in so many ways, twist it around to see it differently, change the story in my mind and NONE of it is working. 

 

 

So I have decided to do something different this time. I have decided to feel angry. Just feel every bit of what I need to feel. Take it in… write it out… feel it!!! Because this is how I feel right now. Being angry is not wrong. It just is! It’s part of being human and living life. Maybe the reason I can’t get past it, is because I keep feeling guilty and wrong about it. 

 

 

I don’t want to do that anymore. I choose to feel this because it is the truth of where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe not. But right now… this is my truth.

 

 

I am angry because every time I sit down to write, a feeling of fear comes over me and so I get up and distract myself with other things instead of writing.

 

 

I am angry because I am avoiding myself.

 

 

I am angry because I’m afraid.

 

 

I am angry because when I started writing, I knew I had found a big part of myself that was lost… and now I feel lost again.

 

 

I am angry because trying to keep a blog going on the Internet is no different than dealing with high school mean girls and cliques. We are all basically saying the same thing… it’s who is popular that gets the votes! (true story!)

 

 

I am angry because the top trending story right now is how many Christmas presents that Kanye bought Kim… REALLY???!!!! Is this really the world we live in right now??

 

 

I am angry because people are fake and fickle! (including me).. obvs

 

 

I am angry because the day after Christmas my bathtubs and sinks were full of poo water due to the fact that my septic tank backed up and it cost $400.00 to fix it…. ON THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!! bleh…

 

 

I am angry that I buy into the fact that I’m not good enough just as I am. That even though my amazing Husband tells me I’m gorgeous every single day… I can’t believe him. I still feel like I need to lose weight, or go on a diet. 

 

 

I am angry that people do not have enough courtesy or respect when they are sick to STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO GET SICK!!! 

 

 

I am angry because every time I eat a Reese’s, I feel like I did something bad! WHY should I have to feel like I am a bad person for eating something?  Can we just stop making people feel bad for what they eat??

 

 

I am angry because I spent a lot of money for Christmas on people that are not appreciative and could care less!! ( and I am not talking about my kids… I’m talking about grown ass adults that should know better.) 

 

 

I am angry because they are selfish.

 

 

I am angry because people don’t see things the way I see them! Why not?? Why can’t they understand my way is the right way!! (I’m totally kidding you guys!!)… I’m not kidding though…

 

 

I am angry when I have to be around grown ass adults that have NO manners!

 

 

I am angry for being angry that people are not reacting the way I think they should. I know better than this. Expecting people to react the way I think they should is not only stupid but completely pointless. 

 

 

I am angry because all the reasons that I am angry are MEANINGLESS. Truly meaningless. I am angry because I am angry and I don’t want to be.

 

 

But maybe being angry is how I realize and appreciate when I am not angry. Maybe this anger is what helps me to put into perspective the things that bring me such true happiness and joy.

 

 

For Instance:

 

 

Watching my kids open up their Christmas presents on Christmas morning and seeing their faces light up because they got something that they have wanted for a very long time.

 

 

Giving my Husband a handmade card that I drew myself (let me clarify… I SUCK at drawing! Like REALLY REALLY SUCK)… but I did it anyway because it was something that I really wanted to make for him. And it actually looks half way decent. It also made him tear up and I could see how happy it made him… which was everything to me!

(I’m not even kidding you guys.. I totally made this myself! Just call me fucking Leonardo da Vinci and shit!!)

 

 

Having a person in your life that truly and deeply sees you. I don’t mean in that surface fake way either. Loving someone is wonderful… but understanding them is profound!

 

 

So… I am trying to say that it’s okay to be angry sometimes!! If you are feeling angry, maybe don’t try so hard to change it… just feel it. Feel it and then move on. Get a better feeling. Maybe the only way to the better feeling is through the anger.  So strap on a helmet and jump in! Swim around in it until your fingers get all pruney…

 

 

 

Geronimooooooo!

 

 

 

 

The Year without a Santa Claus – GROWN UP VERSION!~

Every year our family gets together, makes popcorn and hot cocoa, …and watches A Year Without a Santa Claus! I have loved this show since I was a child myself, and my kids look forward to it every year. It’s a big deal in our house because it’s like the Holidays just aren’t complete unless we have watched the snow miser and heat miser have it out!
This year, as I was watching with my kids, I snuck some Baileys in my hot cocoa, and I may have poured a tad bit too much in my cup!…okay…the cup was filled with Baileys. The entire cup…to the top!

So as I was sitting there in my “relaxed” state, I saw The Year without a Santa Claus in a whole new way! Here is The Year without a Santa Claus….courtesy of Bailey’s!

It starts off with Santa basically having a major existential crisis! I mean…he’s losing it! None of the people believe in him anymore, and he’s been spending all his time making toys for these ungrateful bastards. What does it all mean?? What is the purpose of everything?? So Santa decided …ah fuck it…I’m staying in bed!!

Momma Claus is having none of it!! Santa…you drink too damn much, and you think too damn much! GET OUT OF BED and take care of your responsibilities! It’s not like you can even get your clothes IN the laundry basket! Do I have to do everything around here?! I guess I do!!! Me and the reindeer are sick of doing EVERYTHING!!!

Momma Claus goes to the elves and reindeer and says…. “Honestly you guys…Santa is a slacker!! Can you please help me out! I’m so pissed at him right now! I swear I have to do everything. Can you PLEASE just go find some friggin Christmas cheer somewhere so he will stop feeling sorry for himself and get his ass back to work! I mean…he can’t even deal with ONE day of work!! ONE damn day out of 365!!”

So off they go! First they meet up with some bratty kids talking about.. “We don’t believe anymore!” Then they make their way to the mayor who is a complete douche nozzle. I mean this guy is like arrogant as fuck, and he is basically laughing in there face! Total ass face!

So he says in his very sarcastic way…”yeah…you bring some snow here, and I’ll believe in Santa Claus but until then, I believe in nothing but my damn self… and money. I believe in money.”

At this point…Momma Claus realizes SHE is going to have to step in because Santa is just not handling his business! So She decides to take matters into her own hands. She puts on the suit and BOOM…..All of sudden she realizes how much she actually likes wearing the suit!! Momma Claus is now having her very own identity crisis!! Oh no…maybe she LIKES being a man just a little too much!

They cut back to the elves in the work shop…and WOW..More like “sweat” shop!!!

As the elves are down trying to find some Christmas cheer somewhere, they end up meeting up with a cop who starts giving them a ticket for riding a reindeer down the street! um….abusive power by cops!!!! Not cool!!!

In between all of this….Santa finds out about the elves and reindeer taking off and decided to get his ass up and go get them. Instead he ends up at the school with the kids. He’s totally creeping on them!!

In the mean time….

Momma Claus hatches a plan to fix everything by making it snow. The mayor will have to believe if it snows. So she heads over to meet up with the ice guy. Is it not obvious to anyone else that he is cooking meth up in there?! I mean…that place has meth lab written all over it! All those ice crystals floating around the air!! Dudes a cook! He’s “Walter Whiting” it up in there!

Momma Claus pleads with him because she is sick of Santa’s bullshit, …and freeze miser aka (meth guy) says… “fine…You get my drunk ass brother to agree then I’ll help you out.”

Okay…so off she goes to heat miser’s place. His smokers voice has gotten bad, but on top of that, …how much wine has this obvious wino ingested! Every word is a slur. His friends call him “smoke a bowl.” Man…he’s crabby….and he’s also butt hurt because Santa apparently favors his meth head brother best! It’s due to all that snow and cold business that Walter White aka freeze miser is all about. Santa likes the snow…what are ya gonna do!! Anyway…Mr. Wino smoke head has some serious self esteem issues, and REFUSES to help out! He’s not having it!!

Momma Claus is pissed and is done dealing with these ass biscuits. She decides to go over their heads and take it to the Momma Vagina!! They will be sorry now!

Super hippie Mother Nature is going to put everyone in their place and she does not have time for this nonsense. She needs to water her vegetables, and tend to her flowers, She also has a date with Father Time and she has to get her self ready! He was able to find some seriously potent weed. Mother Nature and Father Time are planning on getting high and binge watching Weeds!!

The one thing I can’t figure out is how the hell she pushed those GINORMOUS heads through her vagina. When they are standing next to her, …she is about the size of their foot! Man, birthing those monsters must have sucked for her!! Anyway….they all start bickering and she is sick of it! She makes a crash of lightning strike right between the two and every one STOPS!! If I could make a bolt of lightning strike right in the middle of my kids fighting…I would be doing it ALL THE TIME!!! There would be lightning strikes happening all over this damn house! It would be like..

ME – “Hey kids…clean your room!”

The Kids – “aww…we don’t want too…It’s BORING!”

ME – #BOOM.. crack lighting strike….”Clean your room now!”
The Kids – …”AHHHHHHH…!!!!”
Oh yeah….I’d be using that power up!!

Can I just throw in though….REALLY with that Blue Christmas song!! COME ON!!! It’s like they are trying to make us cry!!!! Screw you Blue Christmas song!! I wasn’t crying…I was chopping onions!!!

I would also like to mention the creepy noises that Santa makes are border line disturbing. What is his problem?! He needs to get that looked at.

So there you have it!! The Year without a Santa Claus…Bailey’s Style!! Not bad, Maybe I’ll try The Year without a Santa Claus margarita style tomorrow!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!~

Children vs Adults! ..Christmas Edition

It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!!  In all honesty though,  …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…

 
CHRISTMAS

 
Children vs. Adults:

 

– The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-

 
CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!

 

 

–Black Friday-

 
CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??

 
ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..

 

 

– Christmas lights on houses –

 
CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!

 
–Christmas Commercials-

 
CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!

 

 
ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!

 

 

–Santa in the Mall-

 
CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!

 
ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…

 
(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)

 

 

–Stockings hung by the fire with care-

 
CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!

 
ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..

 

 

–Christmas shows on T.V.-

 
CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..

 
ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..

 

 

–Leaving Santa cookies and milk-

 
CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!

 
ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!

 

 
Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…

 

 

–Christmas Morning-

 
CHILD SEES – I’M SO EXCITED!!!!I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND READY TO HAVE FUN!!!!!

 
ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….

 
So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier.  And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!

 

I’m busy Dammit…

Hey guys. It seems like I haven’t written a blog or done a video in forever! I’ve had a lot of stuff going on. I have been so busy! I can’t seem to find time to do anything. I am slammed right now, and would really just like a break ya know. My plate is very full…Look at all this shit I have to do…here is a list of some things I have been doing lately:

 

EATING – yep, lots of eating. I like to eat!! Too much…Not in a good way either. Like the “you know you shouldn’t eat that but you are going to anyway aren’t you dumbass?”…kind of way…

 

 

Watching Doctor Who re-runs, oh and dog whisperer re-runs, oh and New Girl, …plus HOUSE, and don’t forget I have been watching Sherlock re-runs, I also watched Mindy because she’s hilarious, and I watched The walking Dead, but not all of it. I hid my eyes during the super gross parts. So …technically I only watched “some” of The walking dead,…also I watched The Brady Bunch’s christmas special. Yep…it’s on netflix! .. also…FROZEN! A shit ton of FROZEN!!!

 

 

I’ve been looking at pictures of dog’s with eyebrows on Google images. Seriously…..google dog’s with eyebrows…just do it!! Right now…

 

I’ll wait…..I’ll be right here.

 

hahahahahahaha RIGHT???..

 

 
When I got tired of looking at dog’s with eyebrows, I started googling other things….like panda bears and baby giraffes. WARNING: whatever you do…DO NOT google blue waffles?? DON’T DO IT! You’re totally going to do it now aren’t you?..

 

I Counted how many times I could pet buster in a minute. I kept messing up though because I would lose count and have to start again, then he got all pissy and irritated and would walk away…whatever..

 

I was on pinterest for about 5 hours one day looking for some recipes and then it hit me….I can’t cook!!! Why the hell am I looking for recipes when I know damn well I am not going to read them…or even cook them. It was the pictures…..the food looks so damn good in those pictures.

 

I noticed that the screen on my computer is fucking gross. What the HELL!!! Why does my computer screen look like I ate dinner on it?!

 

 

I thought about the HUGE pile of laundry I need to fold…then forgot about it!

 

 
I also thought about the huge pile of dishes in my sink….then forgot about them..

 

 

 

I Decided I should color coordinate my towels with my washcloths because….why not…..So I started with the brown towels and realized how soft they were. I only laid down on them for a second, and about 2 1/2 hours later, I woke up and realized that I had to get the kids from school.

 
So yeah….as you can see I have been really busy. Much too busy to do the things I should be doing! ..whatever that is….Side note: Before anyone says “you have too much time on your hands”…NO, that is not true! I just choose to use my time wisely by procrastinating. I happen to be an expert at procrastination okay. I’m just really, really good at it. If you need some ideas on procrastinating…you are welcome to use any or all of these.

 

 

KUMBAYA MOTHERFUCKERS

I did finally make another video! Here ya go…

 

What is this Christmas Fuckery??…

 

Well folks…it’s that time of year again. Where we all have to go out to the crazy ass stores and buy a shit ton of crap that nobody needs or even wants. We have people over that we usually try and avoid most of the time, but it’s Christmas…so now you have to sit at the table with them and talk about the weather, their job, and how much gas costs. Aweswome!

The stress of the Holidays hits everyone. We all feel it at some point. Buying gifts, and sending out a billion cards, and baking a truck load of cookies. It’s a lot of work in one month to try and live up to the standard of a “Happy Holiday!” Whatever that means. I personally do not believe any of that has anything to do with having a Happy Holiday. Side note: I am not saying Happy Holiday because of the “oh no I am offended” BS that is sweeping the nation. If you get offended because of the way someone wished you a holiday greeting…it is most definitely time to re evaluate your priorities.

 

Anyway….I was thinking about the Holidays and how I wanted to write a blog post that had something to do with Christmas and all of the holiday activities that we are all involved in right now. I thought about maybe posting recipes. Then I laughed my ass off! NOBODY wants a recipe that comes from me…trust me! Then I considered writing about ways to alleviate holiday stress, and all I could come up with was Vodka. I mean let’s get real folks….Vodka will cure what ails you!!

So as I was thinking about how I was going to write up a beautiful holiday post that may possibly be helpful, or really inspiring to people…..this is what came to my mind. You all know the beautiful holiday song the twelve days of Christmas right? I know you do! It has been around forever. That song has been sung by numerous people…myself  included, and it has wonderfully illustrated lyrics that really take you to the place of understanding love at Christmas time. Well…I changed it up! I decided to put a little spin on the song…you know….spice it up a bit. My version though….is more about what you DON’T want to give your true love for Christmas.

Have you ever gotten that gift that you just hated. I mean…you appreciate the thought…but the gift…HATE!!! Well, here is some ideas that I think would be terrible gifts. Like really, really BAD gift ideas. In other words….DO NOT get your true love these gifts, because surely…your true love will NO longer be your true love by January 1st. The next year, you will be flying solo my friend. Take some friendly advice and listen to the new lyrics. You can sing it in your head if you like:

 
On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: A fucking herpe…

 

On the second day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….

 
On the third day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….

 
On the fourth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….

 
On the fifth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….

 
On the sixth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….

 
On the seventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…

 
On the eight day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 8 Dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…

 
On the ninth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 9 Nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’TS”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….

 
On the tenth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….

 
On the eleventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….

 
On the twelfth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 12 Relatives showing up without fucking calling, 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…..

 
There you have it folks!! Twelve of the WORST gifts you could ever give your True Love. Seriously….don’t do it!! It’s not a good idea.

I wish you all The Merriest of Christmas’s and Happiest of Holiday’s EVER!!~ Of course I made a video for you. Vagina had a Christmas get together. Check it out!! ~

You can’t Handle the Truth!!

 

From the wise words of Spongebob Squarepants…. “Don’t be a jerk… It’s Christmas!!” I say let’s make that don’t be a jerk EVER! How about that? Just stop being a jerk. Here’s the thing… we can all be a jerk sometimes. It just happens. I truly am an asshole. I’m not kidding when I say that. I am a very sensitive asshole. It’s just who I am. I denied it for many years, and then one day I thought to myself, “I am sick and tired of hiding who I truly am to please other people.” So the asshole emerged and here I am. It doesn’t mean I walk around being shitty to people. Not intentionally anyway. There are those times when a person acts like a jerk…. it happens… but if you are purposely walking around treating people shitty just because it makes you feel better, then stop it! What makes others see me as a “bitch” isn’t because I go around trying to bring others down. It’s because I am sick of bullshit excuses, and in the end, I’d rather be honest. Why is it so frowned upon just to be honest to people?

 

Let me explain what I am saying here….. You get a phone call from a “friend” that wants you to go out with them on Friday night to a bar. The truth is, you really don’t want to go to a bar on Friday night, you just want to sit at home and eat an entire container of Ben and Jerry’s and watch New Girl! And to be completely truthful, the “friend” that wants you to go out with them is the type of person that when you are with them(after a few drinks), all they do is talk about themselves constantly and think they know everything… so it never ends up being a good time. It just isn’t your cup of tea. But if you tell this friend the truth of it, they are going to be offended and get mad at you because you don’t want to go out with them. I understand that telling this person they are the most un-fun person to hang out with would make you an asshole…. but why can’t you say, “No thank you, I would rather eat ice cream and watch t.v”? Suddenly you have to become a grand story teller and weave some lies together saying, “Oh sorry… I am certain to have diarrhea that night and will be shitting on the toilet for an eternity so I can’t go.” Would that offend them less? What kind of BS is this? What the hell is wrong with honesty? My favorite thing to do in life is eat ice cream and watch New Girl. I have NO desire to sit in a bar on a Friday night and listen to someone talk about themselves for three hours. But if I simply say “Nah. I’m not feeling it.” Then I’m the asshole. They are all pissed off because I didn’t do what THEY wanted me to do.

If you get pissed off at someone because they don’t do something that YOU want them to do… it is time to re-assess yourself. Let’s just say you want to go fishing, and you decide that you are going to invite your friend to go fishing. Let’s just say that I am that friend. You call me and say “Hey…do you want to go fishing?” And what I want to truly say is “Um… no…. It sounds dreadful. I don’t like fishing. I don’t like fish. I don’t like ponds, and nasty fucking fishing poles and worms and whatever else the frick goes along with fishing. Why the fuck would you even ask me a ridiculous question like do I want to go fishing with you? Do I even look like a person that would have anything to do with a fish? Doesn’t my lipstick and the way I style my hair give away the fact that I probably do not get on a stupid ass boat and go fishing? I don’t even like to touch raw meat, and when I shop in the grocery store, I cover my hands with a plastic bag before ever grabbing any kind of raw meat because I know damn well those meat guys in the back have touched the outside of the package with their nasty raw meaty hands and I am not touching it!!! Not to mention, the fact that I prefer to sit in my house and hang out with my electric blanket!! So the answer to your question is no….. No I would NOT like to go fishing with you!” But I can’t say that because I would then be labeled an asshole. I’m just trying to say that if you get mad at someone because they declined your request, maybe it is time to take a step back and look at why you are upset that they are not doing YOUR thing. Maybe they don’t like to fish… Or maybe they just don’t want to. Why should I feel like I have to lie so the person is not mad at me?

I am over it!!! Go ahead and be pissed off. Be stuck up. Keep that stick right up your ass because you know what? I’m done lying. I won’t lie just to cushion your fragile mind. Sometimes, my life is bigger than you. Sometimes, I get to choose what I do for whatever reason I choose to do it. And if the truth is too harsh for you to handle (I’m not trying to quote Jerry McGuire), too bad. You are living some sad life away from this little thing called REALITY and UNDERSTANDING. That’s all I’m trying to say, really. Let’s be realistic and understanding of one another. Some people like parties while others like the couch. Deal with it. If you can’t, well then, that’s really YOUR problem. See….I’m an asshole!

 

But I did make a video for you!! ~

Fucking Neighbors…(not literally)..

I’m not really a neighbor person. I try to not really get into things with them. Listen, I don’t want to come across as a complete asshole here… but I am. So yeah. Haven’t you ever had those times when you just want to be able to walk from your car to your house with your groceries without having to stop and make small talk? I don’t have the patience or the energy for small talk. I have 4 kids, and a lot of shit I have been procrastinating on, and I need to keep procrastinating on it, but I can’t if I have to stop and talk about the fucking weather, or why our grass is so high they can’t see the mountains in the distance. Well…. get a telescope!! So I decided to come up with a list to help you out. This is a list of things you can do to ensure that your neighbors will never ever talk to you. You can walk from your car to your house without the lingering threat of having to talk. Try them all, or just use a few… but they are all guaranteed to make sure you will be left the fuck alone!

1) Your lawn is high, and you have been putting off mowing it. The neighbors have been giving you the “look” of disapproval over the fence. So you figure… fine I’ll mow the yard. Make sure you are completely naked! NOTHING but headphones. You may have to hold your Ipod, or you can use one of those arm things. Just make sure you have the headphones because if anyone decides to yell anything at you… you can’t hear them. This will work for a push mower or a riding mower. Either way, but you may want to clorox wipe the seat on the rider afterwords.

2) Keep your door open and bark at anyone that walks by. Don’t just bark… growl viciously, meow, chirp, and even howl. You can do all of them in a systematic way, or just at random.

 

3) Visit your local junk yard, and find yourself the oldest nastiest toilet you can find. Also pick up an old shower, and you can even throw in a sink. Considering it is a junk yard, you are going to get some screaming deals on all of it. Set up the fake bathroom right smack dab in the middle of your front yard. I would make sure and put the toilet and shower facing the neighbors house. They really can’t complain because technically they are “lawn decorations.”

 

4) Occasionally use the lawn bathroom! Now remember… it is not an actual working bathroom, so you will have some cleaning to do after you use it…. but hold off on the cleaning for a while. That will really ensure no neighbors coming around.

 

5) At Christmas time, don’t put lights on the house. Decorate the lawn bathroom! Light that bitch up!!

 

You can get really festive and add in some personnel touches here and there, like this colored toilet paper…They will appreciate the effort I am sure…

6) Put a mattress on the roof and then have sex on it. It is your choice if it is with a partner or with yourself. Just make sure you are loud!

 

7) Hang a bunch of skeletons in your trees by nooses. Only take them down during Halloween time. Once Halloween is over… right back up they go.

 

8) Build a gazebo right next to your lawn bathroom that is completely built out of pizza boxes. Sort of like a shrine to your most favorite pizza joint. You can even take it one step further and build some benches and lawn furniture out of the pizza boxes. No cheating and using things like wood, and nails. It has to be out of pizza boxes. I promise… you will be taken right off the neighborhood barbecue list. You might be put at the top of the neighborhood watch list as the person to watch… but… it’s worth it.

 

9) If someone is actually brave enough to walk up your driveway to confront you, (because there is always that one guy)… just make sure that you have posted on your door a visible note that says: “I just got home from the Division of infectious disease at the hospital. I am not feeling well, so please knock lightly on the door. Side note- if you have already touched the door knob, please strip down immediately and follow these instructions on how to decontaminate. You only have 5 minutes from the start of reading this message. Thanks and have a great day.” I bet they won’t knock.

 

10) And last but not least, you can send out invites to all the neighbors for a dinner that you are hosting. Make sure and let them know that you will be serving Dick Salad for the main course. Most people like to know in advance what is being served. You can let them know that after they fill up on Dick salad you have plenty of vagina ice cream for dessert. Add that the Vagina ice cream is made with “real” Vagina’s…no fillers here!  You will probably have lots of dick salad left because no one is showing up to your dinner party. 😉

YOUR WELCOME! 🙂

If you find yourself in a situation where you are still having to talk, or interact with people…then I say just run for it!! Run for the door. That’s it, as they start talking….just take off in a full on run and don’t stop. Keep running…just like Forrest Gump, and don’t stop until you get inside. Then pour yourself a nice big glass of anything, and watch this video!