Christmas, Puberty, and Living the Dream!~

Twas a night before Christmas and all through the house… I kept hearing a man’s voice. And it wasn’t Santa!!!

As I stood in my room trying to wrap five trillion presents because I put it off all month-long and waited until the last second (even though I tell myself every year that the next year will be different and I am going to get everything done BEFORE Christmas eve at midnight, it never happens)…
I have done nothing to get ready for Christmas. NOTHING!! I mean except for making these cookies right here:

 

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I’m just saying…

NAILED IT!!!

Anyway…

As I’m in my room wrapping five trillion presents (calm down… that is an over reaction. I didn’t buy five trillion presents it just feels like five trillion presents)…

So there I am wrapping and wrapping and I hear a man’s voice coming from my living room. I thought to myself… “That’s weird… there isn’t a man in my living room. Why the hell am I hearing a man speaking in my house?”

I hear it again…

The only people who are home right now are ALL THE KIDS! And none of my children are men. The husband is at work and why am I hearing a man’s voice!

I sprang from my room to see what or “who” was in my living room, and what to my wondering eyes should appear…

My almost 12-year-old son playing video games!!

Me – “Hey… I just heard the weirdest thing. It sounded like a man was out here. What are you playing?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “I’m playing minecraft!”

Me – “Wait! What?? Is something wrong with your voice? Are you sick? You sound like you might be sick? Is your throat okay?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “Yeah. I’m fine! I feel fine. It’s probably just POOOOOOOOOOBERTY!!”

Me – Blink.. Blink.. Blink…

 

 
The 10-year-old girl who was sitting in the room with him – “Yeah well at least your pooooberty is only getting a weird voice… I have to get boooobs!!!!”

 

 

Me – blink.. blink.. blink..

 

 
***This here is a representation of living the dream you guys!!! I’m LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!

So there it is.  My Christmas gift! My almost 12-year-old boy went to bed with the voice of a cute little munchkin pie, and woke up with the voice of a 30-year-old man-child that smoked during a phase in his twenties!

**sigh…

I’m sad! Look, okay, I know the way this works. Our kids grow up and become full-grown people. I’m just not ready yet. NOT YET! And nobody told me that one day you will wake up and your son will sound like a trucker. It happened just like that! No squeaking phase or weird ups and downs in his voice. It just changed.

Well… I guess I need to start getting used to him becoming a man. I mean… he did call puberty… “POOOOOOOBERTY!!” There is still that!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all the celebrations that you hold near and dear to your heart! I hope 2017 is going to be the best year yet!!

**Even if it means my sweet little boy has officially crossed over into man-child status! And as we all know… they never really leave man child status!

 

 

 

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20’s vs 40’s! Ch Ch Ch Changes…

Ahh the good old days! When I could ride a bike for hours on end without having to spend the entire next day walking around like I have a broomstick stuck up my Wazoo!! I remember going to the playground and doing flips and spins on the monkey bars like some kind of obnoxious gymnast for hours on end and never feeling a thing but pure joy. These days though…. If I were to try to do something like that, I would most definitely end up fracturing many bones, pissing my pants full on.. and needing someone to call me an ambulance! 
 
 
 
This getting older business SUCKS!!! Being an adult is really stupid!!  Having to deal with responsibilities and having to be on time to everything… I’m not a fan of adulting! But the worst part about it is that the older I get, the more my body let’s me know! 
 
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
 
Eating in my 20’s – I could pretty much eat anything and never have to worry about things like heartburn and indigestion. I didn’t even know what those things were. I would hit the Taco Bell drive thru at midnight, order the entire left side of the menu, sit in my car and eat the whole thing and feel fine. Maybe even a little energized! I would go to bed with 52 tacos sitting in my gut and wake up feeling completely rested.
 
 
Eating in my 40’s – If I walk by a Taco Bell and smell the food, I get explosive diarrhea! JUST FROM THE SMELL!!!! I have to pencil in eating tacos into my day planner so that I am sure to be near a toilet at all times. The days of sitting in my car and plowing through a pile of tacos are OVER! If I even tried that now, I would end up half way through a taco needing to squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep from a mudd butt explosion happening in my car. I can see it now… Trying to race home while being stuck in traffic screaming out the window.. “CODE BROWN… CODE BROWN… TACO EXPLOSION HAPPENING NOW… MOVE IT OR LOSE IT FUCKERS I’M SHITTING MY PANTS AND I NEED A TOILET!!!”
 
 
 
Exercising in my 20’s – I would exercise for hours. It didn’t matter! 3 hours a day was nothing. I would walk into the gym and think… “I’ll just do it all! I’ll start with the treadmill, and head over to weights, and then swim, and maybe do a boxing class”… and that was just in one day! After starting a new exercise program, I would be a little sore but generally I had no problems just working out right through the soreness. I was so damn obnoxious!!!
 
 
 
Exercising in my 40’s – So…. yeah…. IT SUCKS!!! I miss those days of spending hours lifting weights and waking up the next day feeling amazing! These days… if I pick up a kettle bell slightly abruptly, I will injure the entire left side of my body for three weeks, and need to spend five days doing the ice/heat repeat bullshit!! I did a squat challenge and broke my Vagina!! Straight up BROKE it!!! It hasn’t worked right since then. Actually… my kids are the ones that originally broke it, but ever since I tried to do 50 squats in under a minute, I pee to the left!! My piss hole is broken!!
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 20’s – “Achoo”… 
 
 
 
Sneezing in my 40’s – Speaking of piss… I can not sneeze without full on pissing myself, pulling a muscle, and if I happen to eat a taco anytime before the sneeze… “CODE BROWN!!!!”
 
 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 20’s – Um…. excuse me…. get your mind out of the gutter!! It’s not like I spent all of my 20’s on my knees!! Just some of the time…. And for many different reasons. Things like having boys in your house that pee everywhere but IN THE DAMN TOILET BOWL!!!! WHY???? I do not understand why it is so difficult for dudes to control their one-eyed wonder weasel!! Trying to clean pee that ended up behind the toilet bowl is the very reason being an adult is the MOST STUPID THING EVER!!! 
 
 
Being on my knees in my 40’s – The other day I had to get on my knees to help my little one tie her shoes. I couldn’t get back up you guys!! I WAS STUCK ON MY KNEES!!! And not only was I stuck, but I was losing feeling in the entire lower part of my body. It went something like this:
 
 
Me – “Oh my god you guys… I’m stuck!! I can’t get up!! Help me up you guys!! I can’t feel my legs anymore!! I’m paralyzed!! I have lost all feeling in my legs!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL!!!!”
 
 
Kids – Blink… Blink… Blink…
 
 
I’m just saying… I became that lady in the “HELP I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial!!! 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 20’s – Even when I was pregnant I would do it. 
 
 
 
Wearing a swimsuit in my 40’s – NOPE!!! Nopitty nope nope… a big old steaming pile of FUCK NOPE!!!!!
 
 
 
Jogging in my 20’s – I probably looked like a graceful gazelle, so sleek and smooth running across the fields with such ease barely even breaking a sweat. (At least that’s what I looked like in my mind!).. 
 
 
 
Jogging in my 40’s – THIS!!! Add in two black eyes because of Boobs…
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Staying up late in my 20’s – No problem!! I used to pull all nighters on the regular. I would stay up studying for tests, or hanging out with friends, or watching a marathon of movies all night long!
 
 
 
Staying up late in my 40’s – I try… I really do try! It’s like my brain shuts off. Sitting down on the couch is the signal for my brain to be like “Okay… Good night bitch!”… 
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 20’s – I would spend so much of my time worrying about what other people thought. Everyone always has an opinion about your life, and for some reason in our western society culture, it has become a thing for most people to think it is okay to comment about the way other people choose to live. People think they have a right to tell other people what to eat, and how to dress, and how to live their life! It seems so many people spend so much of their time and focus on telling other people how to be and spend very little time on fixing themselves. I fell victim to this type of thing in my 20’s. I let what other people think and say bother me so much to the point that I was constantly trying to be what other people thought I should be.  I allowed people in my life that were judgmental, and I took it! For some reason I felt that I had to. I thought that I had to accept dealing with judgmental, pushy, disingenuous people because that is just the way it is.
 
 
 
Dealing with people in my 40’s – I learned that is NOT THE WAY IT IS!!! I choose to have genuine, kind people in my life. The people who see me! That see exactly who I am and do not judge me or try to change me. I do not have any kind of patience for that bullshit anymore and I do not want to waste any more of my time on those kind of people. It is about quality not quantity. MY TRIBE!!! The people that see me and love me just as I am. My people! I feel stronger. I feel less vulnerable!! I do not have to take shit from people. I walk away from toxic situations and toxic people and I do not look back! For so many years somehow I felt I had to take it even though it was destroying who I am. I felt lost. I am lost NO MORE!!! I found myself, and in doing that I realized that my road to happiness is finding and surrounding myself with MY TRIBE! 
 
 
 
So thanks 40’s!! I might not be as flexible as I used to be, and I might not be able to handle taco tournaments like I used to…. But I am okay with that! Because for the first time in all my life, I feel like I know myself better than I ever have. I found myself and I choose myself! And you know what… I really like myself!
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I’m Angry… Really Angry!

Here it is, a few days after Christmas and almost a brand New Year to start things fresh, and all I feel is anger! Coursing through every vain in my body. And no matter how many times I try to deny it, or not feel it… I can’t seem to make it go away. 
 
 
It makes me feel bad. I know we are suppose to be happy, joyous and always choose to feel love. But sometimes things happen in our lives. Things that makes us feel angry. Things that make us sad. Those feelings are just as real as feeling happiness and joy. They are just as real and all consuming. The problem is that when you have anger and rage inside of you, you also feel like it’s wrong. You are not suppose to have those feelings because those are the wrong feelings. They are the feelings of the “bad” people. Good people are always happy and feel love for all things. And because you feel wrong, you spend so much time trying to figure out how to get out of that feeling and change it to happiness so that you aren’t “wrong.” 
 
 
Well… I have decided to call BULLSHIT on this! Right now at this time in my life.. I am ANGRY!!! I am really really angry. 
 
 
I have tried to meditate, but every time I sit down I feel the anger rising up into my throat like bile. I have tried to watch happy, thought provoking videos and two minutes into the video I am wanting to throw the screen out my front window. I have read article after article about how to be happy inside. I have tried to change this feeling in so many ways, twist it around to see it differently, change the story in my mind and NONE of it is working. 
 
 
So I have decided to do something different this time. I have decided to feel angry. Just feel every bit of what I need to feel. Take it in… write it out… feel it!!! Because this is how I feel right now. Being angry is not wrong. It just is! It’s part of being human and living life. Maybe the reason I can’t get past it, is because I keep feeling guilty and wrong about it. 
 
 
I don’t want to do that anymore. I choose to feel this because it is the truth of where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe not. But right now… this is my truth.
 
 
I am angry because every time I sit down to write, a feeling of fear comes over me and so I get up and distract myself with other things instead of writing.
 
 
I am angry because I am avoiding myself.
 
 
I am angry because I’m afraid.
 
 
I am angry because when I started writing, I knew I had found a big part of myself that was lost… and now I feel lost again.
 
 
I am angry because trying to keep a blog going on the Internet is no different than dealing with high school mean girls and cliques. We are all basically saying the same thing… it’s who is popular that gets the votes! (true story!)
 
 
I am angry because the top trending story right now is how many Christmas presents that Kanye bought Kim… REALLY???!!!! Is this really the world we live in right now??
 
 
I am angry because people are fake and fickle! (including me).. obvs
 
 
I am angry because the day after Christmas my bathtubs and sinks were full of poo water due to the fact that my septic tank backed up and it cost $400.00 to fix it…. ON THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!! bleh…
 
 
I am angry that I buy into the fact that I’m not good enough just as I am. That even though my amazing Husband tells me I’m gorgeous every single day… I can’t believe him. I still feel like I need to lose weight, or go on a diet. 
 
 
I am angry that people do not have enough courtesy or respect when they are sick to STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO GET SICK!!! 
 
 
I am angry because every time I eat a Reese’s, I feel like I did something bad! WHY should I have to feel like I am a bad person for eating something?  Can we just stop making people feel bad for what they eat??
 
 
I am angry because I spent a lot of money for Christmas on people that are not appreciative and could care less!! ( and I am not talking about my kids… I’m talking about grown ass adults that should know better.) 
 
 
I am angry because they are selfish.
 
 
I am angry because people don’t see things the way I see them! Why not?? Why can’t they understand my way is the right way!! (I’m totally kidding you guys!!)… I’m not kidding though…
 
 
I am angry when I have to be around grown ass adults that have NO manners!
 
 
I am angry for being angry that people are not reacting the way I think they should. I know better than this. Expecting people to react the way I think they should is not only stupid but completely pointless. 
 
 
I am angry because all the reasons that I am angry are MEANINGLESS. Truly meaningless. I am angry because I am angry and I don’t want to be.
 
 
But maybe being angry is how I realize and appreciate when I am not angry. Maybe this anger is what helps me to put into perspective the things that bring me such true happiness and joy.
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
Watching my kids open up their Christmas presents on Christmas morning and seeing their faces light up because they got something that they have wanted for a very long time.
 
 
Giving my Husband a handmade card that I drew myself (let me clarify… I SUCK at drawing! Like REALLY REALLY SUCK)… but I did it anyway because it was something that I really wanted to make for him. And it actually looks half way decent. It also made him tear up and I could see how happy it made him… which was everything to me!
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(I’m not even kidding you guys.. I totally made this myself! Just call me fucking Leonardo da Vinci and shit!!)
 
 
Having a person in your life that truly and deeply sees you. I don’t mean in that surface fake way either. Loving someone is wonderful… but understanding them is profound!
 
 
So… I am trying to say that it’s okay to be angry sometimes!! If you are feeling angry, maybe don’t try so hard to change it… just feel it. Feel it and then move on. Get a better feeling. Maybe the only way to the better feeling is through the anger.  So strap on a helmet and jump in! Swim around in it until your fingers get all pruney…
 
 
 
Geronimooooooo!
mf
 
 
 
 

I Love him, I Love him not!.. How to find your person…

It’s not always easy finding that one person that you want to spend all your time with. That one person that just gets you! Understands all of your quirky ways, and loves you anyway. We all want to be loved and accepted exactly as we are right?! And when you find that person… the one that accepts you with all your crazy, and still wants to hang out with you anyway… You keep that person, and don’t let them go!!
 
 
For instance… 
 
 
 Let’s say that you got really sick and had to be put on a very high dosage of antibiotics. And because you were on those antibiotics for a while, you ended up getting a very bad Vagina infection caused by the antibiotics. (it happens)
Now your Vagina area is basically a fiery pit of fiery hell that is ON FIRE!!!… Did I mention the fire?
You call your Doctor, and they tell you to go get some over the counter Vagina medicine and use it. But you are at home and wrapped up in your heated blanket and don’t want to leave.
So you call your guy and tell him the situation. He goes to the store for you, and even asks the store clerk which medicine is the very best for Vagina burn… and he not only buys the Vagina medicine but also brings you a pack of Reese’s pumpkins!
YOU MARRY THAT GUY!!!! You marry him and stay with him FOREVER!!!!
 
If your guy is not afraid to buy Vagina medicine for you and even asks the store clerk what is the very best kind, he is a keeper for LIFE!!
***You should marry him… or at least give him a blow job… (guys love blow jobs).. I totally went there.. 😉 
 
 
 Or if it happens to be that time of the month, and you are crabby AND crampy and not at all feeling good. Plus you have run out of tampons and need some stat!! If your guy stops at the store and gets you tampons, a heating pad, a DVD of the Notebook, AND a container of  Ben and Jerry’s with a side of potato chips… MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!… or at least you could play a game of “sink the sausage” with him!… I would wait until Aunt Flow decides to leave… unless you are one of those “I earned my red wings” type of folks…. Too Far??..
 
 
 If your significant partner always makes sure that YOU “get there first!” Meaning, they make sure that you have reached the top of the mountain before they finish!… Basically they do not stop until you have an orgasm… then trust me, DO NOT let them go!! EVER!!! Especially if they are willing to take however long it needs to take, AND they are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get you there… IE – dressing up like a pirate,  or saying things like “have you been naughty today”… or rubbing whatever needs to be rubbed even if it’s located in a hard to reach spot! I’m saying if a person is willing to do what it takes to get you where you need to go…. KEEP THEM FOREVER!!!
 
 
 If you are sick with the flu, and your partner says “Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner for the kids.” And even though they can not cook at all so they order a pizza for the kids, but still try to heat you up a can of soup… this is a person you want to keep around!! Don’t let them go… Or least don’t let them go until they pay the pizza guy.. 
 
 
 If your person HATES chocolate cake, but always orders chocolate cake for dessert when you go out to eat together because they know you love it….. Marry that person!!! 
 
 
 We live in a time of equality for all people. It is a great time, and I am a strong believer in equality for all people. But I also am a strong believer in manners. And if you happen to be out with a person (guy or girl)  that holds open the car door for you, or offers you a hand to get in and out of a vehicle that you are having trouble getting in and out of then that is a person with genuine manners for another person. If they hold open a door for you so that you can walk through first, they are someone you want to keep around. 
 
 
 If you just had a baby, and you are feeling not yourself at all. You are feeling fat, and ugly, and you can not seem to find yourself. And your guy looks at you and says to you that “You are more beautiful than you have ever been”… stay with him forever! Because he sees you!!!
 
 
 If you happen to be a person that has tremendous anxiety attacks or a panicky type of nature for the most part. You never know when something could set it off and send you into a tailspin of anxiety. And you happen to be with a partner who is the complete opposite of that, and they tend to have a much calmer nature about themselves. They have never really been able to understand your anxiety at all but when something occurs, they still look at you directly in your face and tell you “Everything will be okay, Everything is alright” over and over and over until you actually calm down enough to believe it… that is a wonderful person and you should not let them go! Actually you should marry them… or at least cuddle with them!!
 
 
 Let’s just say hypothetically that you “accidentally” ran over the jack hole douche nozzle that kept cutting you off, and passing you on the road almost causing a massive car accident that would have hurt a lot of people. You are not sure what to do, and so you call your person and tell them what happened. And instead of lecturing you about how you really need to work on your road rage, they instead help you dig a hole in the backyard. That is the person that you not only want to marry, but you might want to make sure you keep them happy!! They know stuff about you now… 
 
 
 If you are with someone who makes you laugh, and says nice things to you, then you should hang out with them. If you have fun together, and you really like them a lot, stay with them. If your person is the type of person that walks through a store and sees something that reminds them of you, so they buy it for you because they know how much you will love it. Or you are hanging out with a person that smiles and lights up every time your eyes connect. If you catch your person looking at you, and they immediately wink and smile, this is the person that you don’t want to let slip away… Hold on to them as tight as you can! I mean… don’t lock them up in a basement or anything… unless they ask you to of course… 
 
 
 
 
I have been hanging out with my guy for 28 years now! I like him. We like hanging out together, so we do! It’s not always easy, and it’s not always fun… because life can be like that sometimes. But when you find your tribe… your people,… the ones that see you.. I mean really see YOU… those tough times of life become not so tough to face. Finding your people.. the ones that really see you, can truly change your life.
If you have someone in your life that you like hanging out with.. then do it!! It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that!!
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It’s the Last Day of Summer!…

It’s the Last Day of Summer!
 
 
It’s the last day of summer! That statement alone can bring up so many different kinds of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, unsure, nostalgic, and excited all at the same time.
 
 
It’s now the time that we all get ready for the crisp days of Autumn that are quickly approaching, which hopefully starts to prepare us for the ever coming LONG, cold days of Winter. The closing of a year and looking back at all the things that took place and happened. Good and bad. The start of a New Year which makes us all feel like we have another chance to do the things that we did not get done, or start something new that we have always wanted to start. It gives us a feeling of refresh. It also at the same time gives us a realization that time is flying on by, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. 
 
 
I have always had a bad relationship with time. First of all, I am NEVER ON TIME!!!! I have tried over the years all the different techniques and tricks to cure myself of this on going ALWAYS LATE thing that I have, but nothing has ever worked. So I have decided that it is just part of my DNA. Time and I will never be friends. Who came up with time anyway?? Who was it that decided we need a number to tell us when we have to be here or there, and we need more numbers to tell us how old we are getting by each passing year, and how we are not getting enough done and just letting time slip through our fingers. It’s offensive really!!! I mean… It’s hard enough just trying to live in the moment and then you have the lingering… “Time is passing” hanging over your head.
 
 
 
Truthfully the gray hair on my head, and the fact that my 10-year-old is as tall as me, and my oldest “baby” is now nowhere near being a baby is reminder enough that time is ticking by. Those numbers just give me stress!!
 
 
 
I do long for the routine that comes with the ending of Summer. I love the routine, but at the same time I dread it. Being on a set routine makes me feel more like I am accomplishing life better, but at the same time it also makes me feel like I am missing it.
 
 
I am missing the random funny craziness that comes with enjoying every moment and not having to rush from one thing to the next. I tend to be on auto pilot with the routine and tend to miss so much more around me.
 
 
It’s the last day of Summer! 
 
 
 
– I look forward to peeing without an audience! And yet what will I do when I run out of toilet paper and am sitting there with no one to bring me some?! Buster has never been good about bringing me things I need! (That’s because he’s a dog and prefers to have ME do everything for him rather than help me out at all) .. you know how dogs can be!! It’s either get up with doodie butt, or sit there in hopes that someone will eventually come into the house and save you… 
 
 
– I look forward to NO FIGHTING!!! No more “He said this to me… she said that to me… Tell her to STOP touching my things, tell him to STOP saying that to me! MOOOOOM he farted and it smells like dead mouse, MOOOOOM she said my farts smell like dead mouse!”… you get the idea! Oh who am I kidding, there is still evenings and weekends and all HOLIDAYS!! And those pesky DAYS OFF from school!!!
 
 
 
– I look forward to having a clean house again! Even if it only lasts for eight hours of the day.  I will roll around on the toy-less floor, and know that there will be NO legos to stab me in the pancreas! 
 
 
– I look forward to not hearing “I’m BORED I’m BORED I’m BORED” every day, ..and yet those I’m boreds are sure to be replaced with “I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework!”..
 
 
I look forward to silence!! Yet I also fear the silence. Because with silence comes thoughts. And with thoughts comes anxiety. So if I could just figure out how to not have thoughts anymore. Or maybe I just need to get better thoughts. How do I get better thoughts?? hmm… 
The last day of Summer… Until next year, when all my people will be just a little bit older, and a little bit taller. Their brand new clothes that we just bought will no longer fit them. They will have better math skills and will have learned about the Boston Tea party. My little girl may want to replace her pink doll house with a black computer desk, and my little boy may want to be called “Charles” now instead of “Charlie”… but maybe not.. Maybe I have some more time… maybe..
 
It’s the last day of Summer!… Goodbye Summer…
I will also look forward to not having tricks like this played on me!! and yet maybe….
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NOPE… I will definitely NOT miss this!!
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We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 
 
 
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 
 
 
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
 
 
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
 
 
 
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
 
 
 
For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
 
 
I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  
Welcome to my bed!
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Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
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When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 
 
 
When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 
 
 
If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
 
 
Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
 
 
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 
 
 
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
 
 
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
 
 
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
 
 
There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…
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The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
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But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

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