Christmas, Puberty, and Living the Dream!~

Twas a night before Christmas and all through the house… I kept hearing a man’s voice. And it wasn’t Santa!!!

As I stood in my room trying to wrap five trillion presents because I put it off all month-long and waited until the last second (even though I tell myself every year that the next year will be different and I am going to get everything done BEFORE Christmas eve at midnight, it never happens)…
I have done nothing to get ready for Christmas. NOTHING!! I mean except for making these cookies right here:

 

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I’m just saying…

NAILED IT!!!

Anyway…

As I’m in my room wrapping five trillion presents (calm down… that is an over reaction. I didn’t buy five trillion presents it just feels like five trillion presents)…

So there I am wrapping and wrapping and I hear a man’s voice coming from my living room. I thought to myself… “That’s weird… there isn’t a man in my living room. Why the hell am I hearing a man speaking in my house?”

I hear it again…

The only people who are home right now are ALL THE KIDS! And none of my children are men. The husband is at work and why am I hearing a man’s voice!

I sprang from my room to see what or “who” was in my living room, and what to my wondering eyes should appear…

My almost 12-year-old son playing video games!!

Me – “Hey… I just heard the weirdest thing. It sounded like a man was out here. What are you playing?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “I’m playing minecraft!”

Me – “Wait! What?? Is something wrong with your voice? Are you sick? You sound like you might be sick? Is your throat okay?”

The almost 12-year-old boy – “Yeah. I’m fine! I feel fine. It’s probably just POOOOOOOOOOBERTY!!”

Me – Blink.. Blink.. Blink…

 

 
The 10-year-old girl who was sitting in the room with him – “Yeah well at least your pooooberty is only getting a weird voice… I have to get boooobs!!!!”

 

 

Me – blink.. blink.. blink..

 

 
***This here is a representation of living the dream you guys!!! I’m LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!

So there it is.  My Christmas gift! My almost 12-year-old boy went to bed with the voice of a cute little munchkin pie, and woke up with the voice of a 30-year-old man-child that smoked during a phase in his twenties!

**sigh…

I’m sad! Look, okay, I know the way this works. Our kids grow up and become full-grown people. I’m just not ready yet. NOT YET! And nobody told me that one day you will wake up and your son will sound like a trucker. It happened just like that! No squeaking phase or weird ups and downs in his voice. It just changed.

Well… I guess I need to start getting used to him becoming a man. I mean… he did call puberty… “POOOOOOOBERTY!!” There is still that!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and all the celebrations that you hold near and dear to your heart! I hope 2017 is going to be the best year yet!!

**Even if it means my sweet little boy has officially crossed over into man-child status! And as we all know… they never really leave man child status!

 

 

 

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The top 5 things I have said this Summer!!

For the most part it has been a very relaxing Summer! My favorite parts of Summer have been the long nights, and lazy mornings. Not having to get up from the sound of an ear bashing alarm clock. Not having to be anywhere by any certain time. Being able to just slip on flip-flops to go anywhere and not having to stand at the door for 30 minutes waiting for people to find their shoes!
 
 
There are so many great things about Summer. I happen to love the laziness of Summer. I would not be surprised to find out that my spirit animal is a sloth!! 
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But then we have the other parts of Summer. The part where my kids are here ALL the time! I love having my kids around, and I love hanging out with them. They make me laugh and they are fun to be with… mostly!! BUT… and yes this is a big BUT… But the CONSTANT fighting! Oh dear lord the fighting! I mean really?! Half the time I feel like I am on an episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Specifically the one where Teresa Giudice flips over the table! Yeah… remember that one?!
 
 
 
I love my kids…. but DAMN!! Why can’t they love each other!! We also have the boredom. And the fact that these people act as if they have never eaten food in their life. Don’t they know that there are starving people in China?! (According to My mom, who told me this 5 trillion times!)…
 
 
 
Do you see how easy it is to become our parents! And there is nothing we can do about it!! NOTHING! 
 
 
 
So I came up with the Top 5 things I have said this Summer more than any other time EVER in my life!!!
 
 
1) “WHAT????”  Also translates as – “Yes, what do you need now?”  Basically I have heard the word MOM, MOMMY, MOMMA, MOOOOOOOM more times than a fly lands on doodie!!! Or something like that… A LOT!!!! Let’s just say I have heard it A SHIT TON!!.. 
 
 
 
2) “I only have two hands!!!” 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM, can you help me find my purple dress, and the matching shoes, and I am hungry, and I also want you to play Battleships with me. You PROMISED!!!! I’m hungry.. Can I eat… Let’s plat Battleships!! WHERE IS MY DRESS????”
 
 
Me – “Honey… I am NOT an octopus! I am a human. with TWO HANDS!!!! Count them… only TWO! SO NO, I can not find your dress and shoes, and make food, AND play battleships!!!”
 
 
Kid – “But why NOT?!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….
 
 
3) “STOP FIGHTING!!!!! For the love of all that is good in life…. STOP THE DAMN FIGHTING!!!!” They will fight over anything. Here are a few examples!
 
 
 
Kid – “Stop touching me with your foot! Your toe touched me and I HATE your toe!”
 
 
 
Kid – “MOOOOM he said that my hair looks tangley!! That is SO RUDE!!!! I DO NOT have tangley hair!”
 
 
Kid – “Why does EVERYTHING always go YOUR WAY!!! It is MY turn NOW!” (This was talking about a blanket being draped over a chair while they were making a tent.)
 
 
Kid – “Me first… no me first… no me first… no me first….. NO ME FIRST!! YOU were first LAST TIME!!!”
 
 
Kid – “Your burp smells like diarrhea! MOOOOM he burped and it smells like diarrhea!”
 
 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink… **looking to the clouds… “Calgon…take me away….  or at least send some Wine and ear plugs because DAMN!”
 
 
 
4) “You JUST ate!!!!” These people are like bottomless pits of nothingness! I can not believe how hungry they are ALL THE TIME!!! Every 15 minutes they are starving!! Absolutely starving!… I mean, I’m not judging. I do like my snacks too… but I get them myself. And I don’t walk around whining that I’m hungry for an hour in hopes that someone will make me some food! Okay… I may have done that once…. or maybe twice… 
 
 
 
5) “I can only hear one person at a time!!!” I have no idea why, but once one of these people starts talking to me, I guess that is the sign that everyone should start talking to me ALL AT ONCE!!! All of a sudden all I can hear is a room full of NOISE!!! I keep telling them, I can only hear one at a time! Each person take their turn to say what you need to say. And every time someone starts talking , hear comes another one jumping in! This must be what it’s like to be super famous and have all the paparazzi following you around asking questions all the time! So yeah… Basically I’m famous! … 
 
 
 
I haven’t been able to take a shower in 2 days, and the laundry is piled SO high I need someone to send me a flotation raft to pull me out!  I have resorted to buying all paper plates because HOLY CRAP the dishes! And I have given up on ever seeing a clean room in this house until early September!
 
 
Even with all the fighting and all the whining, I still LOVE Summer with my kids! It goes way too fast. I’m not yet ready for early mornings and pumpkin flavored everything yet! So I’m holding on to Summer as long as possible!! 
This is me trying to watch Orange is the New Black!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
 

Expectation of Summer vacation ~ VS ~ Reality

I have so much planned for Summer.  It is going to be great. We are going to stay busy and get lots of sun. I want to make sure and keep the kids as active as possible and enjoy every second of summer!
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1st day of summer vacation-
You found this on Pinterest and made copies, filled it all out and you are ready to be Super Mom!!
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Second day of summer vacation-
Forget it….too much paperwork…
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-I am going to set up a pool in the backyard for the kids to play in.
Expectation
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Just use the hose you guys…. 
Reality
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We are going to spend some time at the park everyday so the kids can burn off some energy.
Expectation
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What’s wrong with the backyard… I mowed last week!! Just watch out for the dog poop okay…oh and don’t touch that dead mouse over there…
Reality
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We are going to go to the craft store and get lots of crafts. Glue and paints. We’ll still pass up on the glitter though..
Expectation
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I bought the Gigantor box of sidewalk chalk you guys…go draw stuff…
Reality
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We are going to read a full chapter every night. We don’t want to lose our reading skills over summer.
Expectation
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Reality
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We are going to have picnics in the park!
Expectation
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Reality
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We are going to be sure and eat nutritious meals this summer. It’s important to stay on top of eating healthy and not let that go just because it’s summertime!!
Expectation
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Popsicles…
Reality
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We are going to stay on schedule as much as possible. Still keep with the getting up early schedule so when school starts in fall it will make everything so much easier
Expectation
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Sleep all day up all night!!!
Reality
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We are going to garden and plant flowers this summer. It’s always good to stay connected to the earth!!
Expectation
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Reality
 
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The Expectation of Summer
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The reality of Summer
 
I’m bored….and hungry!!! I’m bored…and hungry…..I’m bored and hungry….. I’m bored…and hungry….I’m bored…
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Happy Summer Everyone!~ 
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Things I WILL miss~ VS ~Things I WILL NOT miss…

Have you ever been sitting there chatting with someone, and maybe venting about something your kids did that day because sometimes it helps to vent it out and find solidarity with another person that possibly understands, and then they come back to you with this statement “You are going to miss this one day!”… Oh….really?? Am I?? Well thanks for the “advice” but I am totally and completely allergic to receiving parenting advice from other people. Mostly because I have been a parent myself long enough that there is really nothing anyone can tell me at this point that I have not already experienced, or knew someone that had experienced.  I am not saying that the people that throw out this generic statement of missing all the things are being malicious or rude when they say it. I just think it is a very unthought out response. Now just because a person is venting, it doesn’t always mean they are looking for an answer. Most of the time it’s just a kind ear or a connection. This statement of “Just wait…you will miss this one day” is not only generic and really said without any thought….it is not always true. I agree that I will miss some things, …and I already do. But I am positive there are things that I will not at all miss and actually be glad that they are finally gone. So I made a list….You know I had to make a list right??.. Here is a list of some things that I will NEVER EVER miss once my kids outgrow them. And some things that I will…
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss getting poo on my hands. NEVER! I don’t like poo. In fact,…I hate it! It’s stinky and gross, and it’s even worse when it’s someone else’s  poo. I can promise you…I will never miss getting poo on my hands from changing diapers. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss wiping someone’s ass that isn’t my own. I don’t even want to wipe my own ass. Like seriously…..we are in 2015…how have they not come up with something better than toilet paper! And don’t even come at me with a bidet! I personally have never used one, but I can see everything wrong with the concept of it. Water squirting all over a poopy ass is doing nothing but making poopy mud ass.
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking through Walmart, and having my two year old decide right then and there was a good time to throw a massive all out tantrum! It happens sometimes. They get tired and crabby and all of a sudden BOOM….possessed two year old sitting in a cart in Walmart! Picture a zombie from Walking Dead gnawing on a person’s leg…..yeah….that! I will never miss all the people staring at me while I am trying to take the tantruming two year old out of the store while they are kicking and screaming, and everyone thinks you are abducting someone’s child because this kid obviously hates you!
 
 
 
 
Disclaimer – I have four kids, and not all of them threw tantrums. So before you say some stupid remark about how kids shouldn’t throw tantrums and it’s the parents fault….I would like you first to ask YOUR mom if you ever threw a tantrum, then get back to me and leave your stupid comment! Out of four kids, …I have two that always threw tantrums and two that never threw tantrums. It is a personality thing! Two of my kids happen to be more assholey than the other two.. It just worked out that way!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss sleeping in pee! I have slept in pee many times…..pee that is not my own. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking around on two hours of sleep, and not even realizing that you put your underwear on the outside of your pants until you are standing in the doorway with your hair completely mangled and messy, a coffee cup in your hand, …and puke on your shirt and the child trying to sell you girl scout cookies is afraid of you and tells you that you are wearing underwear over your pants!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss seeing a kid pick his boogery nose! NOT EVER! I just gagged writing that!!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss hearing my children scream at each other like they are going to kill each other, and then hearing the CRASH of something just to have one come out and say…”He threw something at me and it just missed my head!” 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping on Legos!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping in unknown puddles!!!! ( from kids, or animals)
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss the constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother. And actually….I will probably always feel that way. Maybe one day, when my kids are all grown up and have family’s of their own, I will have a moment of feeling like I did okay, and everything is okay. But for now…it seems I am always thinking I need to do a better job somehow. Which is why as mom’s we should be helping to lift each other up rather than making each other feel bad about the way we are doing things.
 
 
 
 
But you know what….there is definitely some things that I WILL miss. And I already do.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss rocking my tiny baby for hours on end. Sitting there with my baby, rocking back and forth knowing that nothing else in the world matters in that very moment. Just you and your baby. No place you have to be, …no one you have to talk to…..melting into the essence of your precious baby.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching my two year old dance around in his HULK boxer shorts that he wore for two straight years because they were his favorite! I still think about those HULK shorts and it gets me choked up.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss my chunky toddler wrapping herself around my legs and saying…”GO MOMMA GO” and me trying to walk with her attached to my legs.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss snuggling with my babies at night and feeling their little breath on my chest and having their big heads laying directly on my heart!
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss the constant background of sound effects that my son makes. No matter what is going on….there is sound effects happening in the background.  I love those sounds. It is him playing and using his imagination.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching their little faces light up after every new milestone they achieve. Like walking, ..and tying shoes. The first time my son was able to catch a baseball with his mitt. The look of pride on his face. The first time my daughter passed a spelling test with flying colors even though she had been struggling for months. Seeing her face beam with pride. Watching my oldest daughter receive her diploma after all the hard work she put in and there she is holding it in her hands, huge smile across her face, ..knowing she did it!!  Those moments I want to hold on to forever! I hold them in my heart.
 
 
 
 
There is so many things I WILL miss. I cry just thinking about it. But that’s what becoming a parent is all about.  And that’s what makes all the things I will not miss, worth it in the end!!
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I will miss this~
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I have spent way too many hours with HATE! I’m giving it up…

Well here we are, another year has come and gone! It seems like they just fly by anymore. My kids are a year older, I am a year older, …and my Vagina is a year older!! 😉  Okay…I had to throw that one in!! Just for funsies!

 
Anyway, …usually when a New Year is here, folks tend to reminisce and think about past years and the decisions that they have made. Good and bad! We go over the things we may have done differently and we think about how we would like to change these things in the up coming year. As people, …we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or in the future. It is much harder to live in the present. In the now! I think it is just human nature to go over the things in our minds that we did not accomplish and plan the things in our minds that we still want to accomplish.
As I sit here and think about the year that has past….sadly the one thing I have thought about more than anything is that I was not good enough at anything that I did. I have spent much of the past year telling myself I needed to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend and daughter. I have spent many hours telling myself I needed to eat healthier and exercise more. Many nights I laid in bed regretting the things I did not accomplish for the day. I wanted to be more organized, and learn to add more structure to my life. Organization and structure have always been very difficult for me. I have never been fluent in those things. It’s like a block or something. I try….but it never seems to work out. I spent much of the year feeling like I have failed as a parent. Watching the other moms be able to make homemade cupcakes for all the kids classes, AND hand make the Halloween costumes! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the mom that can do it all! The Pinterest mom that has everything homemade from scratch, exercises every day, ..has perfectly coiffed hair, ..and is head of the PTA! I’m not judging the “Do it All” Mom. I can’t tell you how many times I have laid my head on my pillow at night wishing that I could do it all! Wishing that I could be that mom and somehow be better. That I could actually make toast that doesn’t end up black.

 
After thinking about this past year, ….I realized that I have spent far more hours and days thinking of what I am not good at rather than what I am! The thoughts in my head have been more about how I need to change and be better, and I also realized that not many thoughts have been very positive of myself. I can’t even remember a day that I did not think to myself,  why can’t I just be better at this!

 
The realization of this made me so sad. I even cried my eyeballs out for a good two hours about it. I have spent so much time not accepting myself. My husband and kids accept me. My kids have never said to me that they wished I had handmade their costumes or that they would have preferred me to make cookies from scratch. They don’t know the difference. My husband has never said to me “you look like you stopped exercising or it looks like you gained 10 pounds!” He looks at me the same way he did 27 years ago! Like I am the same girl he met in 1987! I am that same girl… but with stretch marks, and lines on my face from age. My heart though, it is the same! I love the same, ..and feel the same inside.

 

So why then can I not see this in myself? Why can I not accept who I am and be okay with it? WHY?? When the only people that matter accept me just as I am!!

 
Here it is!.. My New Year’s Resolution:
I am not good at cooking, and I rarely make cookies from scratch. I am unorganized, and really lack structure. I exercise but I also happen to love junk food on occasion and probably eat it way more than I should. I love with all my heart and become overly sensitive because of that. I have a snap temper. I say things I shouldn’t say way more than I should ever say them! *Hence the Ooops I said Vagina Again blog! 😉  I am not good at making my kids homemade breakfast…but I would literally die for them in a heartbeat!! I would give my life up in a second if it meant giving them whatever it is they need. I would never intentionally hurt anybody, but I know I have.
I choose to make a change this year! But not to change myself. I choose to change my thoughts. I choose to take those hours and days that I have spent filling with negative thoughts about what I need to be, ..and instead fill them with wonderful thoughts about what I can do. I  choose to see myself the way my husband and kids and family see me. I choose to not try and be something that I am NOT…but be completely and totally what I AM!!! And to be okay with it! I am perfect!! And so are YOU!!!

 
Happy New Year to all you beautiful people!

 
Now it’s YOUR turn! Tell me who you are. Who you really are! What makes you YOU? All of it! What makes YOU PERFECT?!

 

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Goblins, Ghouls, and…. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!…

Halloween is right around the corner. Are you ready?? Have you already purchased your kids Halloween costumes and bought your bags of candy to pass out to all the ghouls and goblins that will be knocking on your door that night? Good for you!! It’s always a good idea to stay ahead of the game and be prepared in advance.

 
For me though….I tend to never be ready in advance. As a matter of fact….I am LATE to everything. But when it comes to Halloween, …I purposely choose to be late! Here are all the reasons I wait until the very last second to buy my kids Halloween costumes and candy!

 
September 30th (The 8 year old) – “I want to be Elsa for Halloween…I want to freeze everything and make an ice castle. I definitely want to be Elsa this year!”

 

 
October 1st ( The 8 year old) – “I think I want to be Anna from frozen instead of Elsa….she is better because I like how she sings and I really like her dress! I want to be Anna for Halloween.”

 

 
October 2nd (The 8 year old) – “I decided to be a black kitty for Halloween. I have always wanted to be a black kitty!”

 

 
October 3rd (The 9 year old) – “I want to be Luigi for Halloween”

 

 
October 4th (The 9 year old) – “I changed my mind..I want to be Harry Potter….I need a wand”

 

 
October 5th (The 9 year old) – “I REALLY REALLY want to be Iron Man! I Love Iron Man!!”

 

 
October 6th – (Me) *hm, …that Halloween candy is just sitting in the closet…just sitting there! I’ll just open the bag and eat one. Only one! …. (20 pieces later)….oh crap!! Well, …I’ll just buy more…

 

 
October 7th (The 8 and 9 year old’s simultaneously) – “Mom…we changed our minds about our costumes…..We want to be Dead Ninja warriors”..

 

 

Me – blink, blink, blink…

 

October 8th (The 9 year old) – “Last year for Halloween my friend was a zombie dog for Halloween…that’s what I want to be! A zombie dog!”

 

 
October 9th (Me) – *stashes the new bags of candy in the bottom of my sock drawer.

 

 
October 10th (Me) – *thinks the sock drawer is a bad idea because what if the candy melts. Grabs the candy out of the sock drawer…and eats it! oh crap…I need to buy more candy…

 

 
October 11th ( The 14 year old) – “Mom….I was invited to a Halloween costume party and I want to be a baked potato! I would totally win!!!”

 

 
Me – *A baked potato??? A friggin baked potato??? I need some chocolate…

 

 
October 12th (The 14 year old) – “Never mind mom…I’m not going to the Halloween party, ..but I still want a costume. I guess I’ll just be a mummy and wrap myself up in toilet paper! Then I could use the toilet paper to cover Jake’s house because he told me I had skunk eyebrows!”

 

 

 

*What the hell are skunk eyebrows?

 

 
October 13th (The 8 year old) – “I don’t want to dress up for Halloween!! I’m NOT dressing up!”

 

 
Me – *GOOD!!! ….I need some chocolate! …hm, where did I put that bag of candy again…

 

 
October 14th (The 8 year old) – “Mommy, Mommy,….I want to be an angel for Halloween. With wings and everything”..

 

 
Me – (in my head).. *an angel….um, …yeah…try again kid…

 

 
October 15th (Me) – *buys 4 more bags of candy to make sure I will have some here for Halloween night!

 

 
October 16th (Me) – *Eats 4 bags of candy! ….

 

 
October 17th (The 9 year old) – “Okay….I decided I really, really, really want to be a pirate! A REAL pirate though. With a REAL sword and a REAL parrot!.. I promise I won’t actually stab anybody with the real sword!!

 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink…

 

 
October 18th (The 9 year old) – “I know I said I really, really  was sure about being a pirate but I changed my mind! I want to be dog puke! My friend was dog puke last year and the costume was so funny. We could totally make dog puke..it would be easy!

 

 

 

October 19th , 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th,27th,28th,29th.… “Mom, I want to be this. no that, no this, no that….never mind…I want to be this….No I want to be that….etc….etc…..etc…..

 

 

 

October 30th – We drive to the store to buy costumes….. (ME) – “Well kids, …looks like you can choose between being a pumpkin or a ghost! Make your choice because this is all they have left!”…

 

 

 

Halloween Night – “Oh you guys looks so cute in your costumes. A pumpkin and A ghost!…Now where did I put that Halloween candy again??”… oh crap…

 

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An Open Letter to: Door to Door Solicitors…

The house was so quiet and still. The only sound was of quiet children sleeping and dreaming and NOT making noise! As I lay in bed snuggled up warm and cozy soaking in every bit of sleep I can….I am violently jarred awake from the sound of my doorbell ringing. It rings again but this time the perpetrator rings it 3 times back to back in a row…I guess for good measure. Then comes the banging on the door. I jump up out of bed and look at the clock. It is barely 7:30 on a Saturday!!! A SATURDAY!!!!! Why the hell is someone banging on my door as if a meteor is crashing into earth and we only have seconds to live! I stumble out into the living room. At this point everyone in the house is awake and the kids are turning on the t.v and saying things like “I’m hungry…is breakfast ready?” Um, excuse me people of my Vagina…but does it look like I have been cooking breakfast??? The doorbell rings one more time, …and so at this point….I’m pissed! really just annoyed and pissed! I open the door with all the force of a woman on the verge of murder just to be faced with a college aged kid holding a vacuum in his hand!

 

 

“Oh…good morning maam, ..I hope I didn’t wake you!”

 

 

I guess the fact that my hair looks like a banshees and the fact that I have mascara smeared all over my face because I didn’t wash it off before bed, …or maybe even the fact that the shirt I grabbed to put on was the closest thing to me and it was out of the dirty hamper and has dried up puke all over the front of it was not clue enough for this kid that he in fact HAD woken me up!

 

 

“Well maam, do I have a surprise for you! This vacuum here is the greatest thing you will ever see in your life! It can do the most amazing things! After using this vacuum just once, you will never be able to go back to a regular vacuum again! This will change your life completely!”

 

 

He asked for it you guys:

 

 

“Change my life completely hu?? Make all my dreams come true hu?? Well, ….as you can see….I don’t even have carpet! I actually have hard wood floors. Do you know why I have hard wood floors? Because my asshole dog decided that the carpet was a great place for him to piss….ALL THE TIME! So bye bye carpet!! On top of that…when I did have carpet, ….do you honestly think I gave a flying fuck how my vacuum worked? Well let me give you a bit of insight…I didn’t! As long as it sucked up the cheerios and hair balls it was all good with me! But those days are over now thanks to my asshole dog. Today is Saturday….ah lovely Saturday…the day when most people get to actually sleep in! Today was special too….because most days my kids are up at ass o clock…but not today! Do you know why they were sleeping in today?”

 

“No Maam I don’t!….but can I just show you that this vacuum has an attachment for wood floors”

 

 

“Really??? An attachment?? Unless that attachment can make me moan with unabashed pleasure that is seeping from my loans…(yep…I said it)…then I do not want it!! Do you hear me?? Do you know what I want?? DO YOU??”
by now I can see the fear in his eyes and he slowly starts to back away! OH NO…he is not getting away that easily… YOU did this motherfucker!

 

 

“I want to sleep! I’m tired! I’m friggin tired! My kids didn’t go to bed until 1 in the morning last night! Then finally after they fell asleep, .I laid my head down and 15 minutes later I heard yelling. I ran into my kids room just in time to watch him puke all over his bed! It’s now 2 in the morning and I have my son in the bath. Cleaned him up….made a bed on the floor and bagged up all the puke stuff. As soon as he lied down…he puked again! awesome! Yep…back in the bath again! At this point most of the blankets and sheets have been puked on so i don’t have much to choose from. I have bags full of puke things, …and it’s now close to 3 in the morning. If you think I am doing laundry at 3 in the morning you can think again! I make another bed for the boy….put a puke bucket next to him..and beg him with everything inside of me to make it in the bucket next time! Finally I lay down….look at the clock, …oh it’s 4! I hear some moaning and groaning, and then a yell. Out of bed again and back in the kids room. My daughter is holding her stomach. I grab her out of bed and start racing for the bathroom but do you think we made it? DO YOU??? NOPE! She puked all down the front of me. And I’m talking in my hair….down my boobs, …and she even got some in my mouth?? Yep…in my damn mouth!!!! Look here…do you see this sticky crap in my hair??? That’s puke my friend. want to smell it?? because I can smell it right now! But as you can see….the kids are fine now! Do you see them over there by the t.v. whining for breakfast?? DO YOU???”

 

 

“Um, ..maam…I’m sorry…I have to go….Please…can I go?”

 

 

“Actually NO…YOU CAN”T GO!!!! Since you decided to show up at my house at ass o clock and wake me up after only having 1 1/2 hours of sleep…you can take that attachment you were talking about, and clean up the kids room! How about that?? Get in there and clean my kids room if you think your vacuum is soooooo great!!! DO IT!!!”

 

 

“Hey, …why are you running away??? Come Back???”

 

 

This here…..this is a perfect example of why door to door solicitors should not exist anymore!! Why is this even a thing? It’s not the 1940’s anymore folks…we have the Internet, .and Walmart….why is door to door soliciting a thing! With a debit card,  I can buy every damn thing I need right from my bed while still wearing my pj’s! So STOP with the door to door. First of all…..most of the time, I am not going to answer anyway because if I don’t know you…there is always the chance that you could be a murderer/rapist! How am I suppose to know if your intentions are clearly to sell me a damn vacuum or to murder me with a vacuum attachment! And if you are not a murderer/rapist….I’m still not going to answer because I am BROKE as fuck!! I mean seriously…it;s not like I have money floating around to just give you so I can buy a vacuum that I am never going to use!

 

 

On another note…if you are trying to sell me Jesus…..or a bible…Listen okay…I have a GPS, If I want to find Jesus..I can do it! I do not need you banging on my door right at the moment my kids actually decided to lay down for a nap to tell me how to find Jesus! I am perfectly capable of finding Jesus on my own! I mean..here In America…Do you really think there is anyone that doesn’t already know about Jesus??? Come on people!!!

 

 

So there you have it….All the reason’s they should DO AWAY with door to door solicitors! It’s just not safe in these times to be having folks knocking on your door. Not safe FOR THEM at all!!!

 

 

Okay….I make one amendment to my rule…If you are a 12 year old selling cookies….then please, …feel free to knock on my door! Even if it’s morning or really late at night, ..and if I don’t answer just keep banging. I mean really put some muscle into it too, ….ring the doorbell and bang LOUDLY on my door. Especially if they are the kind with the peanut butter in the middle! If you have to…..pry open my damn door because…you know….cookies!…

 

 

 

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And this one just because…

 

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Have you been to your kid’s school concert yet?? …READ THIS FIRST

It’s that time of year again… the end of school time. The time when the kids have a million field trips to go on, and a ton of class picnics and I have to attend every single one! -_- There are also the kids choir concerts and end of school music programs that we have to attend or the kids will be all upset and never get over it!! I feel like I have been to a million and 3 music concerts for my kids this year. It seems like they have one for ever single occasion possible. Now listen, I think it is super cute that my kids learn some songs and get on stage and do a little number for all the parents…. but the truth is, if you have seen one, then you have seen them ALL!!! It’s true. After your second choir concert, trust me, you will be OVER it! They are all the same. A shit ton of people stuffed into a tiny gymnasium trying to watch their kids sing a song really badly that you have already heard them singing at home for the last month because they had to practice! Good Times!! I noticed the different types of folks that always attend these things, and I thought… eh, why not write about it! I couldn’t actually take in a deep breathe anyway due to the guy that was next to me because either he forgot to put deodarant on or he just chooses not to wear it. So instead of breathing, I jotted down notes about the different people at kid’s school music concerts. So here ya go:

 

There is the new parent of the baby: This is the parent that has their baby in the stands with them and they figure what better time to coo and tickle their infant, nibble their feet and bite at their belly, while expecting you to admire how cute their adorable little bundle of joy is! Babies are cute… I totally get it… I have a few myself. But sitting in the stuffy hot stands pressed up against a thousand other parents… I have lost my ability to see the cute in ANY damn thing! Also, I might be a bit jealous that they can use their baby as an excuse to leave early if it fusses… Whatever.

 

There is the “actually interested” parent: They sit with super intensity and all focus on their child. Their hand on chin with super focus! They refuse to seem bored, nodding their head the whole time as if the music is touching their very soul to the core. It’s not like we are listening to Mozart here.

 

There are the folks with the death glare: You make eye contact with them and they are GRUMPY!!! You don’t want to be there either, but at least you are trying to put on a happy face so as to not show your complete and utter hatred of sitting in those stands. Yes, you are dying from the inside out, but at least nobody is aware of your withering hopes and dreams. But these folks… they don’t even try to fake happiness. They are friggin pissed off at having to sit there and every damn person is going to know it!!! They want to GO HOME NOW!!! or at least to Starbucks…

 

There is the talker: You know who you are!! The same folks that talk during a movie in the theater. You talk through the whole damn thing, which is fine considereing most people probably aren’t even listening to the singing… but your talking is worse than the actual singing that is happeneing. So, you know what song they are singing? Good for you. Oh, you helped your kid practice everyday? Good for you. You tried to make tacos for dinner last night but the beans burnt and so you had to throw the whole thing away and start from scratch again just to have the dog eat the next batch of beans? Good for you? Crap, I don’t know how to respond. Just shut up and listen to the chorus of dying moose we are all so proud of.

 

There is the “I Know everybody” person: Before the concert even starts this person sits near the entrance always watching everyone who comes in so they don’t miss anyone that they might know. They spend most of the music concert waving and mouthing things to other people. Maybe changing seats to get even closer to all the people that they know. After the show they are still hanging around even after all the kids have left and most people have left, ..but there they are still chatting away with all the folks they know. They are sooo popular… Let me just say, bragging about how many people you know is not actually impressive. I know my dog pretty damn well, do I somehow seem cooler now?

 

There are the folks that see life through a lens: They spend the entire concert watching the concert through the lens of a phone or video camera. They may end up making their way to the front of the gymnasium because they are worried about missing something… yet they pretty much have missed the whole thing. But at least they get to watch it later on a screen the size of my toe nail… because that sounds better than experiencing it in real life. And can we just be honest for a minute… how many people ACTUALLY go back and re-watch kid concerts?? yeah… like none..

 

There is the texter: They spend the whole time texting someone… .anyone…. just as long as no one talks to them… and they don’t have to engage in anything… then all is well!

 

There is the nodding off person: They start out with great intentions… watching the kids sing “row, row, row your boat gently down the stream”… but by the time they get to “merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily… life is but a dream”…their eyes are shut! They repeatedly try and open them back up and listen to more of the song… but theycan’t help it, that lullaby is too much for them, and those kids sweet voices are singing them into slumber land! In the end, this person becomes entertainment for bored neighbors who find his head bobbing amusing.

 

You have the early person: They were the first person in the gymnasium. They wanted a good seat and they were not going to take any chances . So they were actually there before they had even set up the overflow chairs. Sitting smack dab right in the middle of the gymnasium at the very perfect spot with a big smile like… Too bad bitches…Early worm gets the bird…or something like that…

 

You also have the late person: The one that barely made it out the door and can not find a parking spot to save their life because they are all taken. Finally they have to park way down the street and walk the length of the Sahari desert to get to the school. They arrive in the gymnasium and the kids have already started singing “row, row,row your boat.” They look in the stands and see some folks nodding off, and some folks with their video cameras, a few people that have angry faces, and someone texting on their phone. Even the overflow chairs are all taken up so they end up standing on the wall in the back of the gym and they can’t even see their kid the entire time. So they spend the whole concert checking out other people so they can write a blog post about it later…

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A video for you~

Shit we do for our Kids!!!…

Having kids can suck sometimes! Not all the time…but sometimes. This does not mean I don’t love my kids okay. I do, but they can drive me absolutely 3 sides of crazy!! They can be real jerk faces sometimes. I guess we all can….but it’s worse when they came from your vagina and you let them suck on your tits so they wouldn’t die, and you do all this crap for them and they turn around and act like buttholes!! There are things that I do for my kids, that I never in my life thought I would have to do. EVER!! I never thought I would be wiping someone else’s ass other than my own. I never thought I would have to clean shit out of the crevices of my minivan because someone painted with their own shit inside of it. I never thought I would have actually been puked on straight in my mouth. I never thought I would have been pissed on in my bed, and just decide to sleep in it because I am too tired to get up. Well,…that last one I might have thought about….Vodka can make you do some crazy things!! 😉

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Anyway….as a mom of four…one of the things I can not stand and have never been able to stand is playdates!! I HATE them!! Maybe despise them is a better word. Why you ask?? I am not a social person. I do not join mommy groups and hang out in the mommy circles. When I had my first child, I did all the getting together with other moms bullcrap and realized how much I hate it. The problem is, I have these kids that always want to “get together” with their friends. Which means I have to “get together” with the parents. And I DO NOT want to get together!! I want to stay home and sit on my couch and watch re-runs.  I have no desire to sit for 3 hours with someone I barely know and try to come up with boring shit to talk about so my kid can sit in a room with another kid and fight about legos! Then when the kids start fighting, I’m dealing with this mom over here that thinks it’s all my kid’s fault. It probably is…but that’s beside the point. The point is, I didn’t want to be there anyway, and here I am looking at their stupid face, and I would rather be anywhere else.

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I know I sound like a complete asshole, but as I have said so many times before..I am an asshole. Just a really sensitive one. I am not so asshole..ish that I would tell the mother of this person I hate her face, but I really just don’t want to sit here and listen to her talk anymore.

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I would rather wipe 20 assess than have to sit for 3 hours so my kid can play/argue with some other kid, and have to deal with hanging out with people I have NO desire to hang out with. I do not want to get together with scrapbooking mommy bullshit! I did that!! I AM OVER IT!! It is not fun listening to the constant one upping of mom’s and listening to the “my kid does this and that better” and judging, judging, judging. I am  OVER IT!!

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Then you always have that one family….you know the one, that has the hoarding house and all the animals living in it, and you have NO IDEA who the parents are or what is going on, but of course THAT is the house that YOUR kid wants to go to ALL THE TIME!!! And they bug you and bug you constantly. “Can I go to joe’s house?…PLEASEEEEE, why can’t I go?” I want to say, because that is the nastiest house I have ever seen, and the parents scare the fuck out of me….but I can’t say that to my kid. Yet they won’t stop friggin bugging me about it. Instead I lie my ass off about reasons my kid can’t go to joe’s.

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Here’s the thing… why do we need to get our kids together for playdates anyway? Why do I have to deal with some shmuck I would never ever talk to because my kid wants to play with their kid. Play dates were not a thing when I was growing up. It was called go outside! Now the truth is my parents had no fucking clue where we were most of the time. We handled the playdate bullshit on our own. I went door to door of my friends houses and asked if they could play. It was either a yes or no.

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I realize this is coming off as selfish. And it is selfish I guess.  It’s more because I don’t want to have to hang out with people. Just because my kid likes some kid, doesn’t mean I am going to like the parents of that kid. Just because I have kids, doesn’t mean I have any desire to do all that mommy crap. I don’t want to go to birthday parties and baby showers. I just don’t!! Does anybody really even remember their birthday parties as a kid. I mean do they? I have had the big birthday parties for my kids, and I can tell you my oldest daughter who is now 22 can’t even remember the damn little mermaid party I spent 300 dollars on putting together for her. I went all out, and made it a big shindig, and she doesn’t even remember it. That cake looked like the fucking ocean and it had a mermaid coming out of it. How do you forget that!!

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Oh well…I guess add it to the list of “shit we do for our kids!!”

 I haven’t made a new video in a few weeks due to the “People of My Vagina!”  They just keep asking for things…like “Mom, I’m hungry,…or MOM I need to go to school!” Crap like that…..So here is an older video that I made and you can check it out if you like!! Have a great day!

Kumbaya Motherfuckers!~

My trip through satan’s workshop..

RMS Titanic

Why does shopping with kids suck so bad? Don’t even answer that. Everyone already knows why. It’s not like going to walmart doesn’t already suck immensely but add in taking your kids with you and you might as well call this trip what it is….Your trip through satans workshop! I have seriously thought about how one of my biggest nightmares in life is being trapped in walmart with no way out. You’re just walking and walking trying to find an exit and there is no exit. No way out…no doors, no windows…just motorized carts everywhere, butt cracks, people that don’t use deodorant and screaming kids. And you can’t get out!! You are there FOREVERRRR!! Unless you are loaded with extra cash, and can choose any store you want to shop in, and have enough money to pay for a baby sitter so you don’t have to take the kids…then shopping is a nightmare. Let’s start with just finding a place to park. What the frick is wrong with people anyway….you see a parking spot that looks pretty good, and actually has some room to get your kids out of the car, so you grab it, and 2 seconds after you pull in some asshole decides that he can’t park anywhere else but literally 2 inches from where you just parked. And of course it is the side that the kids are getting out of. Two spaces down is an open spot…but NO…he likes the one next to you when you need to get a shit load of little people out! Thanks dude!! So you finally squeeze the last kid out of the 1 inch space provided and off we go into the store of hell!

You grab a cart, but the kids want the friggin car cart. The one that looks like every kid ever has pissed, puked, and shit all over it, and now your kids want to get in it because it’s so fun pretending to be driving with the herpes steering wheel. Who the flip came up with these nasty things anyway?….Not only do the kids fight the whole damn time about who gets to drive it….but have you ever tried to turn one of those titanic boat carts? It’s impossible. Not only do you look like a complete dork pushing around a bus, but then you try and turn down an aisle and the centrifugal force that occurs from the muscle you had to use to turn starts a whole domino thing and your trying to straighten it out before it takes out the entire case of cheeseballs in a tub, but at this point it’s like the cart is now taking you for a ride because you have lost all control and that boat is going DOWN! I know..shit just got real. These carts are so friggin lame too because most of it is nasty herpes with a side of pink eye infested kid toy, and about a 1/3 of it is actual cart space provided for your crap. So the kids are fighting, you get some stuff in the cart and without fail..

 
“Mom, I have to pee.” Are you friggin kidding me?

 
“But dear…you peed 3 times before we left”..

 
“I’m going to pee my pants right now..I have to gooooooo”.. Yaaay,.. I love shopping!

 
“FINE…let’s go pee then…!”

 
There is no way the titanic is fitting in a stall, so I leave the cart, take ALL the kids because you can’t just leave one floating around walmart… (they say that’s bad parenting). Trust me on this though…if someone found my 6 yr.old, they would be the one running in fear. So here we go to fit all our asses into a stall. Now they have those nifty “family restrooms.” I call bullshit!!! Those things SUCK! They are always Gross! Does anybody know how to use a toilet anymore? Is this a lost art form? Why is their shit and piss on the floor, and the wall, and the sink? Why is this a thing? And why is it always so friggin wet in a public restroom? Who the hell is showering in these damn things? Finally done peeing , you make positive sure that no one else has to pee or poop at all because like hell you are going through that again. Everyone swears they don’t have to go… But you do realize that they are lying right? No.. they don’t have to go…not until you get all the way across the store to the produce will someone magically have to pee again. So your trying to get the stuff as quick as possible in the cart and get the flip out of the store. Of course everyone is fighting now, and crabby, and you can’t think for even 2 seconds, so you decide to pull off in an aisle that is not being occupied to threaten the kids lives, collect your thoughts, and figure out a plan to get through this place quickly. Listen to me about this….it does not matter what aisle you pick, you will find the most desolate aisle in the store, and as soon as you enter it, some schmo will need the very thing you are standing in front of. I swear this happens every time. Here your thinking, okay..things are out of control, I’m just going to pull off in front of the maple nut goodies and collect my thoughts because who in there right mind would ever want a maple nut goodie? Yeah…well, I can guarantee if you stop in front of the maple nut goodies, there will be a schmo that comes into that aisle, and stands there with that look like, “you and your spawn are in my way…I need the maple nut goodies!” So now you have to take your screaming kids, and your fucking titanic bus and move out of the way because your blocking the way of someones maple nut goodies! At this point I am ready to shove those maple nut goodies up someones…..You get the idea.

 
I’m just ready to say screw it and buy some vodka and chocolate and call it good. I know for certain if I just left the groceries and got some vodka, I would run smack dab into every person I ever knew in life! I’m sure of it! Even the doctor that birthed me, I would run into in the middle of walmart with the family size gigantor bottle of vodka and a bunch of screaming fighting kids and he would give me that look of “why did you pro create?” Every so often you get the added bonus of one of your kids puking or having a pooping accident in the middle of the store. I remember the blow out diaper that happened and basically every step my kid took plops of poop fell out onto the floor leaving what looked like a trail of bread crumbs, but that trail was NO bread crumbs. Now try and get through a store with poop falling out of your kids ass, screaming kids, and trying to push the SS Titanic, all the while hoping that people don’t see that the trail of poop is actually coming from your kid. Fun Times! The point of this story is just to say for the love of pete…DO NOT take your kids shopping. Pay the 50 dollars or even 100 if that’s what it takes for a sitter. Then you can go to walmart and wait around for the poor person that needs to pull off and go and get yourself some maple nut goodies.

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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