Yes, I am Bat Shit Crazy… but aren’t we all a little crazy?..

There is a lot of things I don’t understand. I mean, I like to consider myself as a somewhat smart individual, and I am an avid user of common sense where it applies, but when I stop and actually take time to think about some of the weird things I do… it makes no sense to me at all. Some of the things I do on a regular basis that I don’t even think twice about. I just do them. No thought involved at all. I can’t figure out why I do this.  Maybe it’s falling into being in auto pilot mode with my brain. Most of the time I feel like my brain isn’t working to the full capacity that it is probably capable of working at. It seems after each child I pushed out of my Vagina, I lost a little bit more of my brain. And yet somehow, I still manage to function. Barely…. but I’m still making it!
When I do actually take the time to think about things, it freaks me out a little bit. Like why do I do half the crap that I do?
Have you ever been driving along and all of a sudden you snap back into reality. You have NO idea where you were for the last ten minutes. You are still driving and actually have made the right turns and you are heading in the right direction, but you were literally gone in your brain for ten minutes. That happens to me all the time. I wish I could say I went on a little mind excursion to a sunny fancy place and had margaritas, but the truth is, when I snap back to reality I have no idea where my brain was. It’s like an instant memory loss. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and they probed me and did horrible tests on me, and put a fake version of me in the driver seat of my car so no one would even think anything of it. They would just see a regular lady driving along singing the wrong lyrics to a song on the radio. Then when they are done probing me and doing all the things to me, they snap me back into my brain and do that flashy thingy from Men In Black so I forget all the things!! I bet that’s it!!
Anyway…  Here is some things I do not understand at all!!
1) Why do I always use the front burner on the right side of my stove? No matter what I am cooking, I automatically go to the right front burner. All the other burners on my stove are almost in perfect condition because I barely use them.  And if I have to end up using one of the other burners, I don’t like it all. It feels wrong to me. 
2) Why do I drive around in a circle five million times waiting for the closest parking spot when I am at Costco? Honestly I can’t figure out why I do this because I am perfectly fine with parking farther out when I go to Target. But Costco…. it’s like everyone is fighting for that front spot! Five cars are lined up waiting for the lady that is taking ten years to put her gigantor size box of corn dogs in her car because everyone wants her prime spot!!
3) This is one that I have heard many people talk about doing, but once you realize you do it…. it’s like why the hell do I do that??!! When looking for a street sign I always turn down the music in the car, or scream at the kids to be quiet!!! I’m like… “Everyone shut it…I can’t find 333  blueball avenue with all that noise you are making!”…  It doesn’t even make sense….. Like maybe if I listen really hard, I’ll hear the address approaching… and yet, ….I still do it!
4) So many times I am in a situation where I had the grande coffee that day, and all at once it decides to make it’s way right through me. I have to pee like a madwoman, and I start heading for the toilet. But the closer I get to the toilet, the more I can’t seem to hold the pee. WHY??? It’s like my bladder senses the closer I get to the toilet and is like…”Fuck you lady… I’m letting it go!” Well… fuck you bladder… this is not Frozen, and I am not Elsa!!!! Here I am trying to get my pants and unders down and start pissing all over myself!
5) I will literally vacuum over a piece of string on my carpet 20 times and still not bend down to pick it up. Instead I will sit there thinking about how my vacuum is a piece of crap and probably broken and now I need a new one. So I will go over to my computer and start looking at vacuum cleaners online and the best ones around, and open up three different tabs on my computer looking at reviews of vacuum cleaners. I will walk to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich because I’m hungry, and sit down with my sandwich at the computer while I am still looking at vacuum cleaners …and then figure I should check my Facebook…you know, since I am already on the computer anyway. So I head over to Facebook and sit there for three more hours “checking” Facebook. Finally close the computer… walk over to put the vacuum away, look down at the string that is still on the carpet… and step over it to put the vacuum away.  Ridiculous!!! P.S. That string has been there so long, it’s basically a historical point now.
6) In keeping with the theme of the vacuum, ..another thing I do when I am vacuuming is if I happen to be vacuuming next to a closed door, ..I will get as close to the door as I can hitting it over and over with the vacuum trying to get every bit of carpet right up to the door. I could just open the door, and it would make things a lot easier…but nope….I guess that would require putting in more work so instead I’ll just keep slamming the door with the vacuum hoping it gets as close as possible.
7) Why is it that 72 degrees in my house during the winter feels FREEZING… but 72 degrees in my house during the summer feels like a sauna? I don’t get it! In the Winter, I turn up the heat to 75 degrees and I’m still chilled. Summer time… I keep the house at a cool 69 degrees at all times!  Don’t even think of messing with my temperature!!!!
8) Another thing that has crossed my mind that I can’t seem to figure out is why do they call football…”football?”.. Nobody is using their feet in football. Only in America, we call it football. But I think it should be called armball, or catch ball! I know that they do a kick and they use their feet to run…. but really if you think about it…. It would be more realistic to call it Catch the ball and run game instead of a football game. Or Play For Two Seconds Then Stop for Ten Minutes and Talk About It game. They call it basket ball because you put the ball in the basket, and they call it baseball because you try and make it to all the bases…. so I think we should change that. Even dodge ball is more correct. You dodge the ball as some asshole is trying to pummel you with it.  (to all you U.K’ers….I’m not talking about you. You guys seem to have the right idea about Football! 🙂
So there you have it. All the reasons I am completely and totally crazy! …Don’t judge…you know you are crazy too. 

The Secret to Health and Beauty is…

Let’s talk about health! Every where we turn people are always spewing this and that about what is healthy and what isn’t. It has actually become a trend to use the word health to judge other people.  My favorite is when completely uneducated fools that found some article on the internet (much like this one I am writing)  use it as a way to spew some ignorant foolish thing that is in no way backed by facts,  it is all just opinions. (This here is my opinion, you can take it or leave it! Your choice)
So many people like to think they know the facts about what health really is. The truth is…. the “facts” about health have changed over the years and even over centuries. It changes all the time. Where the problem comes in is that someone will read some article about gluten or dairy, and now they think they are a friggin expert about health.  What these people seem to forget is that everyone is different. Just because something worked for you… DOES NOT mean it is the answer for everyone! 
As of recently… there is this gorgeous model who was signed to a contract. Tess Munster! She is beautiful. The fact that she wears a size 22 and was signed on to a contract as a model has become controversy!!  I mean….This is controversy?? Because of the size of clothes she wears? What the hell am I missing?
I recently read an article about her, .and the top comment said something like this -“Well, how can someone of her size promote health?” This question baffles me. Mostly because not one single fucking person on this planet can tell the health of another person just by looking at them. If you think you know how healthy someone is by merely looking at them, you may be a bigger fool than you even realize. And since when is the modeling industry even worried about being healthy? Do people actually look at runway models, with bones poking out every which way, and think that they are healthy? How many models pass out from malnutrition and exhaustion each year? Whether it’s a size 2 or 22, the modeling industry isn’t there to promote health, and it never was. 
Let’s start off with the fact that no one’s health is the business of another person’s anyway. Someone left an ignorant comment that said… “My only concern is for her heart!” Oh really?? You are concerned for her heart? You…a perfect stranger! You are not her doctor…or her mother and yet you are concerned for her heart! I CALL BULLSHIT! People that spew this heightened sanctimonious attitude are the ones that are most full of bullshit! There is NO WAY any of these people commenting on a post on the internet have actual “caring” for a perfect strangers health! So STOP spewing this garbage because you make yourself look like an idiot!
It is utterly ridiculous to think you know the health of a person by the way they look.  Thin people have cancer. Fat people have cancer. Thin people have diabetes! Fat people have diabetes! Thin people do drugs! Fat people do drugs! Even babies are born with cancer. Many people walk around with debilitating pain, and many times you would never have any idea.
Can we also talk about how the idea of health changes all the time anyway. It is all literally a standard set by a society of people. It does NOT mean it is fact! I just watched this awesome video that I will share down below about the idea of beauty through the ages. This also has a lot to do with the idea of health. Somehow the lines of beauty and health have become so intertwined in our society. Remember, …beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
There was a time in our country, and the rest of the world, when being a thin person was considered the height of unhealthy. Mostly because it just meant that you had no money to buy food, and so you were unhealthy. Being plump meant being fed, which meant a better chance of surviving illness and surviving childbirth. The more plump overweight look was the top idea of premium health! Even on other parts of our world right now….there are people starving to death. These people DO NOT view thinness as a health standard! Mostly because thinness is a sign of starvation. The idea of health to them is someone who eats.
The health of an individual person is NOT something you can determine by their size, their hair color, their skin color, or the way they dress!
This guy here – Jim Fixx – is the guy who created jogging back in the 70’s. It wasn’t as popular as it is today, but it caught on and became a popular way to exercise. This wonderful man died from a heart attack when he was 52,… while he was jogging! Because I am not his doctor, ..I have no idea why this happened. But it happens.  People that exercise have heart attacks….people that are thin have heart attacks, ….people that are fat have heart attacks. 
Just remember, …if you are using the “health” card to judge other people, just know that you are completely full of shit! What you are doing is buying into the societal standard of bullshit! There is a societal standard for many things. And thinking you know the health of a person by looking at them is one of them!!  And using the health card to judge is just you wanting to judge for the sake of judging, or to make yourself feel better.
I know for me that when I am feeling good, I am happy. My health is directly related to how I am feeling.  I am one of those people that has fluctuated with weight over the years. Having four kids, I have gone up and down and all around in the weight department. I have also been someone that has bought into the society bull shit and torn myself apart because I would look in the mirror and not find anything I Like. I have berated myself for not looking a certain way, and my daughters have seen me do it! (Which makes me sick to my stomach.)  I have been bone thin, and I was no where near healthy. I was STARVING!!! Trying to fit into an idea of perfection. The funny part about it is I had people say to me…”You look so healthy!” Uh NO! If they only knew that as they were sitting there telling me how healthy I was, that I could have actually passed out from starvation at any second!!! I had gone 7 straight days without any food one time trying to get down to a certain size.  I was starving myself and I was NOT healthy. I was also not happy. I just wanted to fucking eat something.  
My wish is that Happiness would be what everyone wishes for another person. That happiness is the New standard for health and beauty!!  I can get behind this. Happiness for everyone. Fat, thin, bald, or blue…. whatever the fuck a person chooses to be! Happiness is what folks should be striving for. Not thinness, or fitting into any ideas of society. Just finding happiness! When comments say things like “As long as they have found happiness then that is all that matters!” will be a happy day for everyone!
What if the secret to beauty and health is Happiness??…
And listen okay… I like gluten! So back the fuck off!!!!
Check it out!~
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Things I WILL miss~ VS ~Things I WILL NOT miss…

Have you ever been sitting there chatting with someone, and maybe venting about something your kids did that day because sometimes it helps to vent it out and find solidarity with another person that possibly understands, and then they come back to you with this statement “You are going to miss this one day!”… Oh….really?? Am I?? Well thanks for the “advice” but I am totally and completely allergic to receiving parenting advice from other people. Mostly because I have been a parent myself long enough that there is really nothing anyone can tell me at this point that I have not already experienced, or knew someone that had experienced.  I am not saying that the people that throw out this generic statement of missing all the things are being malicious or rude when they say it. I just think it is a very unthought out response. Now just because a person is venting, it doesn’t always mean they are looking for an answer. Most of the time it’s just a kind ear or a connection. This statement of “Just wait…you will miss this one day” is not only generic and really said without any thought….it is not always true. I agree that I will miss some things, …and I already do. But I am positive there are things that I will not at all miss and actually be glad that they are finally gone. So I made a list….You know I had to make a list right??.. Here is a list of some things that I will NEVER EVER miss once my kids outgrow them. And some things that I will…
I will Never miss getting poo on my hands. NEVER! I don’t like poo. In fact,…I hate it! It’s stinky and gross, and it’s even worse when it’s someone else’s  poo. I can promise you…I will never miss getting poo on my hands from changing diapers. 
I will Never miss wiping someone’s ass that isn’t my own. I don’t even want to wipe my own ass. Like seriously…..we are in 2015…how have they not come up with something better than toilet paper! And don’t even come at me with a bidet! I personally have never used one, but I can see everything wrong with the concept of it. Water squirting all over a poopy ass is doing nothing but making poopy mud ass.
I will Never miss walking through Walmart, and having my two year old decide right then and there was a good time to throw a massive all out tantrum! It happens sometimes. They get tired and crabby and all of a sudden BOOM….possessed two year old sitting in a cart in Walmart! Picture a zombie from Walking Dead gnawing on a person’s leg…..yeah….that! I will never miss all the people staring at me while I am trying to take the tantruming two year old out of the store while they are kicking and screaming, and everyone thinks you are abducting someone’s child because this kid obviously hates you!
Disclaimer – I have four kids, and not all of them threw tantrums. So before you say some stupid remark about how kids shouldn’t throw tantrums and it’s the parents fault….I would like you first to ask YOUR mom if you ever threw a tantrum, then get back to me and leave your stupid comment! Out of four kids, …I have two that always threw tantrums and two that never threw tantrums. It is a personality thing! Two of my kids happen to be more assholey than the other two.. It just worked out that way!
I will Never miss sleeping in pee! I have slept in pee many times…..pee that is not my own. 
I will Never miss walking around on two hours of sleep, and not even realizing that you put your underwear on the outside of your pants until you are standing in the doorway with your hair completely mangled and messy, a coffee cup in your hand, …and puke on your shirt and the child trying to sell you girl scout cookies is afraid of you and tells you that you are wearing underwear over your pants!
I will Never miss seeing a kid pick his boogery nose! NOT EVER! I just gagged writing that!!!!
I will Never miss hearing my children scream at each other like they are going to kill each other, and then hearing the CRASH of something just to have one come out and say…”He threw something at me and it just missed my head!” 
I will Never miss stepping on Legos!!!
I will Never miss stepping in unknown puddles!!!! ( from kids, or animals)
I will Never miss the constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother. And actually….I will probably always feel that way. Maybe one day, when my kids are all grown up and have family’s of their own, I will have a moment of feeling like I did okay, and everything is okay. But for now…it seems I am always thinking I need to do a better job somehow. Which is why as mom’s we should be helping to lift each other up rather than making each other feel bad about the way we are doing things.
But you know what….there is definitely some things that I WILL miss. And I already do.
I WILL miss rocking my tiny baby for hours on end. Sitting there with my baby, rocking back and forth knowing that nothing else in the world matters in that very moment. Just you and your baby. No place you have to be, …no one you have to talk to…..melting into the essence of your precious baby.
I WILL miss watching my two year old dance around in his HULK boxer shorts that he wore for two straight years because they were his favorite! I still think about those HULK shorts and it gets me choked up.
I WILL miss my chunky toddler wrapping herself around my legs and saying…”GO MOMMA GO” and me trying to walk with her attached to my legs.
I WILL miss snuggling with my babies at night and feeling their little breath on my chest and having their big heads laying directly on my heart!
I WILL miss the constant background of sound effects that my son makes. No matter what is going on….there is sound effects happening in the background.  I love those sounds. It is him playing and using his imagination.
I WILL miss watching their little faces light up after every new milestone they achieve. Like walking, ..and tying shoes. The first time my son was able to catch a baseball with his mitt. The look of pride on his face. The first time my daughter passed a spelling test with flying colors even though she had been struggling for months. Seeing her face beam with pride. Watching my oldest daughter receive her diploma after all the hard work she put in and there she is holding it in her hands, huge smile across her face, ..knowing she did it!!  Those moments I want to hold on to forever! I hold them in my heart.
There is so many things I WILL miss. I cry just thinking about it. But that’s what becoming a parent is all about.  And that’s what makes all the things I will not miss, worth it in the end!!
I will miss this~


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Pete Wilgoren

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