To Spank or Not To Spank…(Fifty Shades of “Literature”)..

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There is so much controversy around the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Every where I look there are articles written about it, and people talking about it… so I thought… eh, why not join in the conversation. Chances are I’m going to piss some folks off, but that’s not a new thing for me… so here we go…

 

Let me start off by saying a few things. Yes, I read the books. No I do not live the BDSM lifestyle. Until now I had no idea what BDSM even stood for. I had to Google it. Even after reading the books, I didn’t know what that abbreviation meant. I’m not schooled in the ways of these types of things. I’m not saying I haven’t ever been tied up to a bedpost before…. wink wink…… but as far as a “red room” goes, nah,  not something I have done. I have 4 kids so if I were to start doing things with whips and chains, chances are they would find them hiding in my closet and probably start playing  pirates or something and end up beating the crap out of each other. I can see it now!!

 

While I was reading the books, I never once felt like I was reading award winning literature. I also read the Twilight series and also never felt like it was some awesome literature that was going to go down in history and change the lives of people everywhere. So when I see how angry folks get about these books, I can’t help but remember the scene in Footloose where they are all standing around burn barrels and throwing piles of books in the burning fire. Mob mentality at it’s finest!!

 

I have read Shakespeare, and I have read Harry Potter, and I have read Catcher in the Rye, …and I have read Pride and Prejudice, and I have even read much of the Bible. The thing is, …everything has it’s place. Every book is different and has it’s own place of where it belongs. All of the fighting that I have seen about these books I really don’t understand. I have seen comments where people say things like “These books promote abuse”, …and “this is not describing the lifestyle in the real way”.  Well… first of all, the last time I checked, it was a fictional story about fictional characters. I never once read that the Fifty Shades of Grey books was a How To series… I mean, if a person is looking into actually starting up a lifestyle like that, I would think the best way to go about it is to research REAL forums, and books. Like maybe The Dummies Guide to BDSM. I don’t believe this fictional story was ever meant to be a real portrayal of how to be a BDSM type pf person. As far as the abuse thing, I mean really?? I am going to get a little personal here and tell you about my childhood. I grew up watching physical abuse happen around me. My dad and mom had a very volatile relationship and I saw things that a child should never have seen. I don’t want to get into it because that’s not what this is about. But when I see people saying this promotes abuse I just can’t help but laugh my ass off. I mean…. it’s NOT REAL!!! First of all… the most important part of any type of relationship is CONSENT!!! That is it!!! Consensual relationships. Where both people are on board and both people have made a decision to be okay with this. Watching my parents fight the way they did was horrible, and it taught me what I don’t want in a relationship. I have never been in an abusive relationship myself and the reason for that is, I chose not to. I made sure that I was not going to have that kind of violence around me. Now, if a person ends up with someone and they start to become violent, that’s when you have to make a choice. Do I stay or do I go? Many people stay. But isn’t that a choice? Which then makes it consensual. I know people are going to disagree with me on this. Fine, you have a right to how you feel about it. I am coming from the place of a child growing up watching 2 people tear each other apart and neither one of them walking away from it. It was almost like they were addicted to the craziness. Eventually it tore them down enough that they both walked away. It comes down to what you will allow in your life. This post isn’t about abuse. I don’t want to get into a big discussion about that. I think when someone is NOT consensual then it is abuse! When someone says NO I DO NOT WANT THIS, …and the person continues to do things, ..it is abuse! CONSENSUAL being the word here. My mom didn’t leave my dad for a long time. Every time she went back to him, she basically said, ..okay, I am consenting to the way things are. Eventually she stopped consenting and left.

 

Anyway… so now they have made this movie about Fifty Shades of Grey and people are coming out of the woodwork, freaking out about it. Holy crap folks… calm down! The thing is… it really is a fictional story. When I read it…. it was for fun. Nothing more. I thought many parts of  it were silly and ridiculous, but I really wasn’t expecting for it to change me as a person. I went into it fully expecting silliness. It’s like the movies Requiem for a Dream or Trainspotting. Does anyone watch those movies with the idea that you are watching a manual on how to do drugs? Do you now, all of a sudden, have the urge to take heroin or cocaine? Or do you watch it, then continue with your life, how you lived it before the movie? Everything has it’s place in pop culture. It’s the same thing…. it’s just a story.

 

All stories are different and take you on a different journey. If this one was not for you, so be it. That’s why there is so many stories to choose from. The grey series started out as fan fiction, then became so popular that it morphed into it’s own story. If someone is choosing to use the Fifty Shades of Grey as a blueprint for their life, they may need to re-evaluate why they are doing that. But in truth, I don’t believe folks are reading this with the idea that it is all real life, and now they have to live this way. I can tell you that my experiences in my real life are what generally fuel my decisions that I make and it has nothing to do with some fictional story I read or show I watched.

 

So there it is. My very own opinion about the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Now remember, this is nothing more than my opinion. This is not real life. It’s just how I choose to see it. This will not change anyone’s life. It is just my thoughts. You can get mad if you want. But really, why waste the energy on getting mad about my opinion. Why not go find a book to read instead!

 

Here is a list of books you might want to include in your Book Burning of Fifty Shades of Grey!

 

1)  The Bell Jar – The main character attempts suicide…

2)  A Clockwork Orange – Rape scene by the main characters

3) Mildred Pierce – Has an incestuous love for her daughter

4) Wuthering Heights – Heathcliff is verbally abusive and katherine is manipulative and plotting things and together they make a pretty dysfunctional relationship.

5) Romeo and Juliet – 14 year olds killing themselves in the name of “Love” even though they barely know each other

6) Dorian Gray – He is a horrible awful person that is so shallow, and causes the death of a young girl that was in love with him and he sleeps around.

7) Jane Eyre – Mr. Rochester keeps his crazy wife locked in an attic

8) Battle Royale/Hunger games – Both very similar. A ton of teenagers being forced to kill each other for sport…fun times..

9) Game of Thrones – What ISN’T Wrong with this!! Murder, betrayal, incest, revenge, bestiality, cheating, and the best part is that a lot of the characters are around 14 years old.

 

 

This  here is THE BEST dance scene in any movie EVER!!~ The funniest part about it is that all these people lived in a town where dancing was against the law, but once the music starts…all of a sudden everyone is a professional dancer! haha..

 

 

Outdoor Fuckery~ part II

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called Outdoor Fuckery! If you missed it …you can read it HERE! My number 8 reason for hating the outdoors was yard work, and after I thought about it a little more, I realized that I wanted to elaborate on this point. Let me give you some back story first. I think flowers are really pretty, and I like plants. The thing is…I have never been able to keep them alive. No matter what I do. I have tried everything. I have bought the fancy miracle gro stick things and put them in the soil. I have used all the flower food and vitamin crap you can buy and for some reason….they always die. I took it personally for a while and then I just realized that growing humans is something I am good at …plants and flowers though…not so much!  Eh, …so I’m not good at gardening….as I have said many times before…I can do the running Man like a Boss!!

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The thing is, when you live on a street where all your neighbors care about is their yard, …it makes it hard when you could really give a shit at all. I mean, the husband mows the grass, and pulls out the weeds and does all the stupid yard shit …and the yard doesn’t look terrible, …it’s just not fully manicured to perfection like my neighbors is. These people get up first thing in the morning and start mowing and planting and trimming like it’s their destiny. Every day planting a new tree, or bush.  And honestly….why do they need to mow 3 times a week! It’s a little excessive people. The grass doesn’t grow that quickly.

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It’s not like there is only a tiny little square of grass either, my neighbors have 2 acres of pure grass! They seeded that whole damn thing, so when they mow, it basically takes 4 hours! Hey, …whatever ya know, to each there own I guess…but don’t give me the dirty looks because my lawn hasn’t been mowed in 3 days. I have a life people….I have things to do! Like watch Netflix…that shit isn’t going to watch itself ya know! I started watching LOST and you can’t just walk away from that. I mean, once you are in….YOU ARE IN FOR LIFE!!! I am on season 3 and let me tell you…things are happening, so my lawn can just stuff it for all I care.

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One of my biggest problems with spending so much time on the yard is that literally in a few months the snow is going to come and shit all over the work you just did. Last year I tried the whole tomato plant thing and all I can say is BIG FAT FAIL!!! I had 3 pots filled with tomato plants and once they finally started to come in, my neighbors stupid cat came over and pissed on all of them!! Listen, …I generally like my tomatoes WITHOUT cat piss and bird shit all over them. And if you are about to say…”wash them”, …yeah, well, ….when it comes to cat piss, …NO THANKS!!

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I really do wish I was better at the gardening thing. I wish I was into sitting out in the yard on a 95 degree day and pulling weeds. The thing is, the weeds grow plentiful and rich in my yard and every time I try to get rid of them , they come back in full force. Maybe, …just maybe they are suppose to be there. Obviously that is what nature wants for my yard so who am I to argue with nature! We always try and go against natures true design of our yards. Well, …after I planted some flowers in my yard they died within 3 days…but the weeds came in really nicely. So…I decided to just let it be. I’m not about to get in some big old fight with nature itself and battle against what nature wants in my yard.  Whatever….if mother nature wants some crazy looking bush thing growing exactly in the middle of my lawn, fine!! Go for it mother nature! But can you tell the neighbors to get off my ass about it.

 

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Check it out!!..This was the very first video I ever made…. Doing the Running Man like a Boss!!

It’s Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp!~…period 101(not really though)

Let’s talk about periods!! 50% of the population has to deal with this ridiculous monthly BS. Some folks like to say their monthly “friend” pays them a visit. I don’t consider that bitch to be my friend. We are NOT friends. So I usually call it my monthly cocksucking mother fucker is paying me a visit. But that’s just me! For the sake of this post ..let’s call it RED. The older I get, the more that jerkface gets weirder and weirder. Like for instance, I used to be able to pinpoint exactly when RED was going to arrive. Not these days though. RED shows up any damn time RED pleases. And sometimes without any warning. I had become pretty good at recognizing the signs before RED was going to appear. Things like wanting to stab my husband in his eye with any number of sharp objects …or that weird feeling of my vagina starting to shrivel up to prepare itself for the blood bath. Recently though, …RED has shown up without any pre warnings. I could usually trust RED was on his way when I would want to shove 10 tons of chocolate in my face while simultaneously inhaling french fries. The combination is very complimentary of each other, so don’t knock it until you try it okay??…And WHY has no one come up with chocolate covered french fries?? What kind of world do we live in?? Why is this not a thing??

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The RED rituals can start from anywhere between the ages of 9 and 13 depending on the person, and that person will then need to ride the cotton pony every month until they enter their 40’s or 50’s. This varies between each person. Do you realize that is about 40 years of surfing the crimson wave, or parting the red sea, or paging Edward Cullan, or postponing your visit to Maury, aka,  not the father week, or birthing a blood diamond, or however you choose to describe the event. I always found it funny when I would see shows where they portray a girl fainting at the sight of blood! um, really??… a girl will see more blood in her lifetime than most dudes will ever see!! but yeah…

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So as I was thinking about Red, and why I hate him so much… YES… Red is a dude… it has to be…. anyway… Here are some reasons why Red is a mother fucking cocksucking whore!

 
1) Waxing with Wings – The number one reason I HATE using pads with wings is because every single time those stupid wings end up sticking to my hair rather than sticking to the panties. It’s like it starts out all good, I take off the tabs and wrap them around the underwear …and somewhere between getting up and walking out of the bathroom those fuckers do a 180 and flip up attaching to my hairy bits and every step at that point is basically ripping out chunks of hair that is attached to my vagina. By the time I make it back to the bathroom to adjust everything, most of my hair is stuck to the pad. No need to get that wax job done now…. thanks wings…

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2) Anyone who wears pads knows that the biggest worry is if it looks like a diaper butt in the back. If you see a group of girls walking, and one girl runs to the front while all the other girls are staring at her ass, it’s not because they like the look of her ass in those sweats. She needs to know if you can see the pad through the sweats and if it looks like diaper ass. No one wants diaper ass!! It happens though…

 
3) Along with diaper ass you also have the “did I leak through” ass. Every girl worries about this. Especially if you are wearing white. I NEVER wear white during shark week, but there have been those times when RED did that show up early BS and surprised you, and you happen to be walking through Target browsing at bathing suits, thinking about maybe trying one on… and then BOOM! Fuck You Aunt Flow!!!!

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4) I personally am not a huge fan of tampons, but the way it goes is, you either are a tampon person or a pad person. Sometimes you might be in a situation when you have to wear both, just to be safe. But generally you have the pad people, and the tampon people and they don’t usually mix. My reason for not loving tampons is I hate when you have been out all day, and you finally get a chance to change out your blood stick, but somewhere throughout the day, the string made it’s way up your vagina and now you basically have to go fishing up your twat with your fingers to find it and pull it out! Good times, everyone loves fishing right??…

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5) Sleeping!! Oh the joys of sleeping while RED is visiting! You go to sleep feeling secure in your choice of tampon or pad, knowing that they got you covered and they are going to do the job that they promised to do, and protect you with their “leak protection promises” and their “super absorbent core.” LIES!!!! They are all LIES! You wake up in the morning looking like carrie at the prom!

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6) The reappearing period! What the hell Red!! It’s like all of a sudden Red is a jokester and likes playing pranks on people. It will seem as though Red is done. All packed up and heading out of town. So I will put away the tampons and pads and put on my “good” panties that I would never wear during Red’s visit because Red is a certified asshole that likes to ruin good panties. All seems well, and I am certain Red is finally out the door, and then NOPE…. all of sudden it’s like some kind of horrible joke. Red is sitting there laughing his ass off saying.. “hahahahah you’ve been punked! I’m not leaving yet!”…. My nice panties are ruined….

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So there you have it…. To be honest there is so much more I could say on this subject. I may have to do a part 2! And to all the dudes that might read this…. For the love of all that is good in life, get your girl some friggin chocolate if you want to live!!!!

 

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Let’s Eat Pie…with a side of boob..

The other day, I was on the internet doing internet things, and reading blogs and checking out other pages and I came across something that struck a chord in me. It bothered me enough that I actually decided to comment on it. I would say that 94 % of the time I steer very clear from any type of topics that become controversial because I really do believe that no matter what you say… people do not change their minds anyway, so it’s wasted time and energy. There is nothing wrong with debating… but the truth is, people only change their ideas when they decide to do it. You will never be able to make someone see things your way… unless they were at a place in their own life where they were ready to see it or hear it. Otherwise… it will just turn into an argument. But, sometimes, you just can’t help yourself… Like now.

 
So, I was scrolling through a fellow bloggers page and you can check that out HERE! I came across this picture on her awesome Facebook page which you could check out HERE!..

 

This is the picture that had me shaking my damn head

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I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to their own opinion….so I decided to write about mine. In the comment section, this person and I went back and forth about this topic and more than anything I just wanted to understand how a woman could be so disgusted by her own body. She had no problem with a man walking shirtless on a beach because she said that a man’s flat chest is completely different than a woman’s chest that has boobs on it! …Uh, …well, I’m sorry but I am going to have to disagree. Nipples are Nipples. That’s it! And there are lots of dudes walking around the beach that don’t exactly have a “Flat” chest. Anyway, this bothered me so much because it is the human body. We are all born this way. But to be so mortified and disgusted by the sight of a woman’s boob because she is feeding her baby, and not a dudes nipple who is walking down the beach! I don’t get it!!

 

As human beings, we are literally the only creation on this planet that feels like we have to be ashamed of what we are and how we look. The animal world does not do this. You never see a lion hiding his junk and trying to cover it up… he doesn’t give a fuck. Why?.. because it’s what he is. Animals do not question their existence the way human beings do. We make up these rules and decide what is “right” and “wrong”. Have you ever been walking by two dogs fucking in the middle of the yard? They do not care that you are watching them, and they could not care less what you think about it. They just do what they were designed to do. There is no embarrassment to it, they do not try and hide it. But as human’s we choose to hide what we are.

 
If you are walking through a store and you see a mom feeding her baby, and this somehow makes you angry or bitter, or even have weird sexual feelings about it, then you are the one with the problem my friend. You are the one that needs to stop and evaluate why you feel that way.

 
I have daughters and more than anything I never want them to feel ashamed of what and who they are. Their bodies are going to grow into a woman, and I want them to feel proud of who they are, and love themselves no matter what. Never to feel ashamed like they have to hide away just because of what they were born with.

 

 
We all know that we live in a world where acceptance is not always a thing. If you do not fit into a certain idea of perfection, it is very difficult to get accepted. This starts in elementary school very early on. The thing is, we all have the ability to change this idea. Buddha said it best… Be the change you want to see in the world! I do believe the world changes all the time, and gets better. I believe that one day, you can be Gay, Fat, Skinny, a red head, a stripper, a breastfeeding mom, a person that decided to have no children, tattooed, pierced, or any number of things, and it will be okay. Mostly because it should be okay to be who you are and to not be ashamed of it.

 
The fact is… as a woman, when you have a baby, our breasts fill with milk to feed that baby. That is how the human body is designed to work, like all mammals. Yet we are suppose to ignore the design and be ashamed of it, and try to hide what our body naturally does on it’s own. This makes no sense to me. All because women’s bodies have been so sexualized that a hint of breast is seen as shameful? Women’s bodies were meant for more than just seduction. It sustains life, from inside the womb to inside a cradle.
My favorite saying of all time is this…. You do you, and I’ll do me! So simple yet really is just the answer to all things. If people would just let other people be, let them be who they are and do what they do…. and STOP! Just stop! What would there be to fight about?

 
I have thought about this before, I have the answer to all the problems of  life. The answer is… Eat Pie! Now think about this for a minute, if every person everywhere all at the same time, stopped what they were doing and sat down and ate some pie… what would the world be like in that moment? Every person everywhere is doing nothing more than eating pie. No matter who you are or what you are doing. Imagine the world in that moment. I suppose it would be peaceful. No one would be looking at anyone else telling them how to live or how to be. Everyone would be thinking, “Wow, this pie is sooooo good!” True world peace right there! So… let’s eat pie!

 

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LOUISE ALLAN

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