I Love him, I Love him not!.. How to find your person…

It’s not always easy finding that one person that you want to spend all your time with. That one person that just gets you! Understands all of your quirky ways, and loves you anyway. We all want to be loved and accepted exactly as we are right?! And when you find that person… the one that accepts you with all your crazy, and still wants to hang out with you anyway… You keep that person, and don’t let them go!!
 
 
For instance… 
 
 
 Let’s say that you got really sick and had to be put on a very high dosage of antibiotics. And because you were on those antibiotics for a while, you ended up getting a very bad Vagina infection caused by the antibiotics. (it happens)
Now your Vagina area is basically a fiery pit of fiery hell that is ON FIRE!!!… Did I mention the fire?
You call your Doctor, and they tell you to go get some over the counter Vagina medicine and use it. But you are at home and wrapped up in your heated blanket and don’t want to leave.
So you call your guy and tell him the situation. He goes to the store for you, and even asks the store clerk which medicine is the very best for Vagina burn… and he not only buys the Vagina medicine but also brings you a pack of Reese’s pumpkins!
YOU MARRY THAT GUY!!!! You marry him and stay with him FOREVER!!!!
 
If your guy is not afraid to buy Vagina medicine for you and even asks the store clerk what is the very best kind, he is a keeper for LIFE!!
***You should marry him… or at least give him a blow job… (guys love blow jobs).. I totally went there.. 😉 
 
 
 Or if it happens to be that time of the month, and you are crabby AND crampy and not at all feeling good. Plus you have run out of tampons and need some stat!! If your guy stops at the store and gets you tampons, a heating pad, a DVD of the Notebook, AND a container of  Ben and Jerry’s with a side of potato chips… MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!… or at least you could play a game of “sink the sausage” with him!… I would wait until Aunt Flow decides to leave… unless you are one of those “I earned my red wings” type of folks…. Too Far??..
 
 
 If your significant partner always makes sure that YOU “get there first!” Meaning, they make sure that you have reached the top of the mountain before they finish!… Basically they do not stop until you have an orgasm… then trust me, DO NOT let them go!! EVER!!! Especially if they are willing to take however long it needs to take, AND they are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get you there… IE – dressing up like a pirate,  or saying things like “have you been naughty today”… or rubbing whatever needs to be rubbed even if it’s located in a hard to reach spot! I’m saying if a person is willing to do what it takes to get you where you need to go…. KEEP THEM FOREVER!!!
 
 
 If you are sick with the flu, and your partner says “Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner for the kids.” And even though they can not cook at all so they order a pizza for the kids, but still try to heat you up a can of soup… this is a person you want to keep around!! Don’t let them go… Or least don’t let them go until they pay the pizza guy.. 
 
 
 If your person HATES chocolate cake, but always orders chocolate cake for dessert when you go out to eat together because they know you love it….. Marry that person!!! 
 
 
 We live in a time of equality for all people. It is a great time, and I am a strong believer in equality for all people. But I also am a strong believer in manners. And if you happen to be out with a person (guy or girl)  that holds open the car door for you, or offers you a hand to get in and out of a vehicle that you are having trouble getting in and out of then that is a person with genuine manners for another person. If they hold open a door for you so that you can walk through first, they are someone you want to keep around. 
 
 
 If you just had a baby, and you are feeling not yourself at all. You are feeling fat, and ugly, and you can not seem to find yourself. And your guy looks at you and says to you that “You are more beautiful than you have ever been”… stay with him forever! Because he sees you!!!
 
 
 If you happen to be a person that has tremendous anxiety attacks or a panicky type of nature for the most part. You never know when something could set it off and send you into a tailspin of anxiety. And you happen to be with a partner who is the complete opposite of that, and they tend to have a much calmer nature about themselves. They have never really been able to understand your anxiety at all but when something occurs, they still look at you directly in your face and tell you “Everything will be okay, Everything is alright” over and over and over until you actually calm down enough to believe it… that is a wonderful person and you should not let them go! Actually you should marry them… or at least cuddle with them!!
 
 
 Let’s just say hypothetically that you “accidentally” ran over the jack hole douche nozzle that kept cutting you off, and passing you on the road almost causing a massive car accident that would have hurt a lot of people. You are not sure what to do, and so you call your person and tell them what happened. And instead of lecturing you about how you really need to work on your road rage, they instead help you dig a hole in the backyard. That is the person that you not only want to marry, but you might want to make sure you keep them happy!! They know stuff about you now… 
 
 
 If you are with someone who makes you laugh, and says nice things to you, then you should hang out with them. If you have fun together, and you really like them a lot, stay with them. If your person is the type of person that walks through a store and sees something that reminds them of you, so they buy it for you because they know how much you will love it. Or you are hanging out with a person that smiles and lights up every time your eyes connect. If you catch your person looking at you, and they immediately wink and smile, this is the person that you don’t want to let slip away… Hold on to them as tight as you can! I mean… don’t lock them up in a basement or anything… unless they ask you to of course… 
 
 
 
 
I have been hanging out with my guy for 28 years now! I like him. We like hanging out together, so we do! It’s not always easy, and it’s not always fun… because life can be like that sometimes. But when you find your tribe… your people,… the ones that see you.. I mean really see YOU… those tough times of life become not so tough to face. Finding your people.. the ones that really see you, can truly change your life.
If you have someone in your life that you like hanging out with.. then do it!! It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that!!
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The 1st year of Marriage ~VS~ The 25th year of Marriage

The husband and I have been hanging out with each other for just about 28 years now. I like him…..I mean, he’s cute, …and he says nice things to me. He also buys me stuff….so….I keep him around.  When you have spent the majority of your life with one person, you get to know them in a way that they probably don’t even know themselves. You learn how to deal with each other and figure out what works. I am still hanging out with him all these years later because I like him. He’s fun to hang out with and he makes me laugh. That’s really all it is.  If you like someone and you enjoy their company, …then hang out with them. You will be much happier hanging out with the folks that you actually enjoy their company more so than folks that rub you the wrong way.
Anyway, …our anniversary is coming up, and I was thinking about how we were so young when we first started hanging out together. We were just teenagers. It’s funny to think back on how we did things early in our marriage and how we do things now. 
 
 
So I came up with some differences of what it is like the 1st year of marriage as opposed to the 25th year of marriage!…Not all things apply to all people.  It’s just for fun folks!~
 
 
On the first year of marriage – You snuggle in bed at night and face each other with your hands linked together. You have to hold hands all night because you wouldn’t want to possibly lose them…while you both slept!
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You build a blanket wall/breath blocker between the two of you because sleep breath is no joke my friends! “Stay on your own damn side please…and keep that stank breath over there with you!”
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You sneak into the bathroom to make your doodie business hoping that it’s not too big of a blowout because you would die if he/she heard the explosion!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You show them what you created in the toilet! and you both look at it with wonderment… 
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You try really hard not to fart in front of your person. You might let out a little bit….but you never let the blow horn BLOW!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – Not only do you let the blow horn blow…..you measure the intensity level by the sound it made wondering if your person actually damaged their butthole!! Unless of course if your person has eaten beans….then you are just PISSED at them and you walk out of the room…
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – Since you are still getting to know each other and how each other works, when you go to a friends house and team up to play Taboo,  you usually never win, but you end up learning more about your mate than you actually knew before you played the game! (hopefully all still good) 🙂 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You go to a friends house to play Taboo and everyone says “OH FUCK….not you guys!!! Forget it everyone….they are going to WIN!” and you always do win! EVERY DAMN TIME!!!! suckas…
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still light candles at dinner time, and put flowers on the table so it feels like a date!
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You have taco tournaments with each other until you both feel like puking and lay on the couch with your taco filled guts hanging out rubbing each other’s bellies for relief!
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You listen intently to each other because you want to be a good partner and always give the other person your undivided attention.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You learn to say “Uh huh” A LOT!!! It’s not that you aren’t listening…but you learn to multitask and listen at the same time as wiping a kid’s ass, making dinner, ..and talking on the phone all at the same time! It can be done!!! 
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still go out on date nights to a fancy restaurant, and get drinks afterward. 
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – Date night always ends up at Walmart! ALWAYS!!! …”oh honey….we left the kids at home with the sitter and there was no toilet paper left in the house! whoops!”
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – You still learn new things about each other that you didn’t know. Your partner may say something that you have never heard before and you are still hearing new stories about them.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – You literally finish each other’s sentences. Your conversations go something like this:
 
Husband – “Honey…did you know”…
 
Wife – “Yeah..I heard about that”…
 
Husband – “Crazy right?”..
 
Wife – “I know!! I also heard..”
 
Husband – “Oh yeah…about that thing”
 
Wife – “Yep!”
 
Husband – “I can’t believe”
 
Wife – “I said the same damn thing!!!”
 
 
You just know!!!
 
 
 
The first year of marriage – Maybe you guys are good friends and laugh at each other’s jokes and get along really well and it’s all very sweet.
 
 
 
The 25th year of marriage – This person has seen me push people out of the hole in my crotch, this person has seen me shit on a table (also due to pushing people out of my crotch), this person has seen my body get cut open, this person has seen me on the floor crying my eyeballs out because I lost someone in death, this person has seen me make very bad decisions. This person has seen me gain weight, lose weight, attain wrinkles and gray hair, lose my perfect eyesight and need reading glasses.  This person has seen me at my absolute worst, and also at my absolute best! And still this person chooses to hang out with me. This person isn’t just a best friend, ..but so much more than that. A soul mate. 
 
 
The first year of marriage is a lot of fun. But there is so much more to look forward to. When you choose a person to walk your journey with on this earth, …they are the ones that will see all of you! So make sure you like them, …and Enjoy the ride!!…
THEN
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Notice the lack of hair! 28 years and 4 kids can do a number on a person’s head of hair!~
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And I am throwing in this preview from Louis C.K.’s new special because…HILARIOUS!!~
 

My Husband is a Whore…Part II

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Annoying shit my husband does: First of all I want to say that I love this man more than chocolate! It’s true…and believe me when I say I REALLY love chocolate. He is super cute, and says all kinds of nice things to me, and buys me shit I don’t need and always looks at me like I am the only girl he sees! These are many of my favorite things about him. We have been hanging out together since around 1987. We realized back then that we basically were 2 twisted souls combined in one…so we jumped on the ride and we’re still going. Hands in the air and everything. The husband was doing some annoying shit the other day, and I told him that I was going to write a blog about all the annoying shit he does, and everybody is going to know. His response was… “Yeah..and you could call it my annoying husband who is a whore!” Apparently I say whore a lot. I looked back through my old posts and Yep….I say whore a lot. I have also realized that because I use whore a lot in my blog, you would not believe the things people type into google and other search engines that bring them straight to me. (That is for another post on another day.)

 

So…aside from being super cute, the husband has this way of also being super annoying. Like when any crisis is happening, such as one of the kids arms is falling off and blood is gushing everywhere and the kid is screaming at the top of their lungs… (no worries…we found the arm) 😉 … The husband is mister calm, cool and collected.

 

The husband: “I got this handled..no need to freak out, everything is okay! We will find so and so’s arm, it will be reattached, and all will be okay.”

 

Me: “Oh my freaking crap…my BABBBYYYY….There is blood on my babbbyyy…Do something…Oh my gosh…HELP MY BABYYYY.”

 

Yeah…that’s usually my reaction. The husband though….nah, stuff like that doesn’t even faze him. You want to know what fazes him though? A little coffee spilling on his shirt. Yeah…that sends him into a freak the frick out. He can not handle life if he accidentally spilled some coffee on his shirt .. Or here’s another example…

 

The husband: “Honey…are the clothes in the dryer finished yet?”

 
ME: “I don’t know dear…why don’t you go and check?”

 
The husband: “Um..these clothes are still damp.”

 

Me: “Well…. considering we are late as fuck you are just going to have to wear damp clothes.”

 
Holy frijoles you would think the world has stopped revolving!

 
The husband the entire time we are out: “I can’t take these clothes… seriously…. the dampness is bugging me so bad. We need to just go home….these clothes are so damp”

 
Are you fricken kidding me with this? This guy is the essence of calm when one of our kids has lost an arm, or leg…but put on a slightly damp shirt and OH FUCK!!! I don’t get it! Another annoying thing my ever so sweet husband does, and has always done since I have known him. I know many people have the thing about not wanting to be late. I understand that always being late to things can be really devastating for some folks…but I am not one of those people. I have tendencies of running late. Do you realize what I have to do before I can even leave the house? The things that involve getting your hair and face presentable take some time. This perfection can not just be achieved in 2 minutes time. There are things that have to take place before I can see the public. Why do men not understand this? Beauty takes time…So GET OVER IT!! He does not understand why it takes me so long to get ready, well I can’t understand why it takes him so long to go poop. Seriously….you sit down, push some puppies into the pool, do some wiping and washing..and you’re on your way. If your going to take 45 minutes to drop a load…I’m going to take ALL the damn time I need to get ready. That’s it.

 
One of my most favorite annoying things he does…is the fake I’m asleep trick when one of the kids needs something. Okay…you were just sitting there watching boxing on t.v., as a matter of fact…you were kind of yelling at the t.v., and from the other room we here…”Mom, Dad, I need you…NOWWWWW!”…Well…obviously I am ignoring it because I don’t want to get up…but then I look over and you have conveniently fallen asleep within 3 seconds. Uh…I call bullshit!

 
We are not much for fast food joints. I’m not saying that I am against them…I just don’t frequent them much at all. On the rare occasion that we happen to pull in to a drive thru…the very last person you want driving the vehicle is my husband. Trust me on this. I don’t know what his problem with ordering into a box is, but he just cannot take it. He gets all flustered and stressed out…I see the pain in his face…and ABSOLUTELY every time he says everything wrong!! Seriously, how hard is it to order 4 cheeseburgers? He just can’t seem to do this and ends up ordering shit no one even wanted, and getting all crabby and it usually ends up with him saying, “You guys order….I can’t talk in this thing!”

 
Me : “I know the box seems scary…but all you have to do is talk in it sweetheart. It’s really quite simple.”

 
Husband : blink, blink, blink.

 

 
Another thing I really love to do is totally screw up his hair. Let me explain. My husband has no hair. And the little he does have, he shaves it off. So he basically has stubble on top of his head…and every time I mess up his hair he gets all pissy and walks off to the bathroom mumbling crap like “Why do you always have to mess up my hair?…now I have to fix it again.”

 
Well…..You don’t have any hair…so what the fuck are you fixing! You’re actually brushing the stubble and of course because he doesn’t want me to do it…I will do it….repeatedly!! I love when he gets all flustered. Now before everyone gets freaky deaky and thinks I am some horrible shrew to my husband, and how dare I call him a whore…for the record…It doesn’t bother him, so it shouldn’t bother you. I actually think he likes it when I call him a whore…*wink wink! He knows me more than anyone in this world and knows how inappropriate I am, and likes hanging out with me anyway. He can be very annoying but I am pretty damn sure I can surpass him in the annoying department. But I suppose that is what marriage is all about. Annoying the crap out of each other, but accepting it because you love this person enough to take the bad with the good. My guy is the perfect guy for me! We are like peas and carrots…or peanut butter and jelly. He can annoy the holy bejesus out of me…but he’s cute, and usually gets the right flavor of Ben and Jerry’s… so I guess I’ll keep him around.

 

A video for you! ~

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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