The Top 5 WORST people to run into in public places…

Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)
 
 
The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind…  and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:
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For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!
 
 
 
I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall! 
 
 
The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:
 
 
 
1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi.  You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog! 
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2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:
 
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3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.
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4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!
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5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)
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The conversation would probably go like this:
“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”
 
 
 
 
 
So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:
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LET IT GO!~

If you are a parent, then I would guess that you have heard the song “Let it go” from Frozen at least 5 million and 3 times by now. I know I have…..wait a minute….make that 5 million and 4 times now.  -_-  I know that many of you are so sick of that song you can’t even stand another second of it. I actually really like the song and I haven’t become completely pukey about it yet! …but I can feel the time of pukesville drawing near. When I first heard the song I was like, yeah…let it go! Let your inner music shine and all that really great, inspirational stuff. Now though…I have heard it so many times that I can’t help but think of that song in the most random of times and for the most random of things. If you really stop and think about it, you can use that song for so many different situations. I have compiled some situations in which that song works perfectly for. Sometimes it helps in life to just make the shit that is happening into a song. So here ya go, Situations that “Let it Go” can apply to:

 

You are sitting in your car in the middle of traffic and all of a sudden those tacos you had for lunch decide they are ready for an exit. The problem is….you are sitting in the middle of traffic and it doesn’t look as if it is letting up anytime soon! So you try and talk yourself out of it. That doesn’t work. Then you try and do the shake your butt back and forth dance hoping it keeps you from having to sing the “I shit my pants song!”  Doesn’t work! So you start praying….even if you are not religious at all…you have instantly become spiritual because you are now praying to anybody that will listen from up above. You squeeze with everything you got, and once you finally make it to the toilet at this moment you can sing “Let it Go” with all your might and really mean it! Side note – Why is it that when you have to go to the bathroom so damn bad, and you are racing for the toilet, every step you get closer to the toilet makes you have to go even worse?

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Another variation of the bathroom situation where you can use that song is when you are in a public restroom, and you need to go, but there is a person in the stall next to you. I bet they are in the same predicament and also want to let it go. So you kind of are at a stale mate at this point because both of you are waiting for the other one to finish up and leave so you can “let it go!” …Just sing…..sing loud enough so that when you actually let it go,…all they hear is singing. They will appreciate it as well, …especially if they are stuck waiting for you to leave. Maybe they will start singing with you. Side note- Dudes don’t really get this either. They don’t seem to have that thing about noises coming from the bathroom stalls….actually I think they enjoy those noises…

 

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It’s been a long day! You finally made it home and all you want to do is relax! At this point…it’s time to take off your bra and set the girls free! As you are taking off your bra, it is a great time to sing “Let it go!” It makes the whole experience so much more gratifying! Dudes don’t get this one either!

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When you are in a public place and you drop your food! Trust me on this….you need to sing the song “Let it go” and then actually just “let it go!” I know sometimes it’s hard to do that….especially if you dropped something really good, but at this point…just let it go!

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When you step on the scale after a weekend of binge eating! Look up and start singing “Let it go!”

 

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You go to the same coffee place everyday. And every day you order the same thing. Yet, every day they get your order wrong! EVERY DAY!! Walk up to the counter and look the girl directly in the face. Serenade her….Sing as loud as your voice can go!..” Let it go….let it go, can’t hold it back anymore….Let it go, let it go…turn away and slam the door..” and then walk out!

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You walk by the sink and the dishes are billowing out just staring at you and making you feel like you are bad at cleaning the house! Give the dishes your middle finger and start singing… “Let it go!”

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The same applies to the laundry in the washing machine that you have to keep washing because you forget about it and it now smells like death! Or the laundry in the dryer that you keep restarting because you don’t want to fold it! Just sing my friends… sing…”Let it go!”

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You’re in the store and you see something you really, really want. You pull out your wallet and realize that your wallet contains a receipt from Walmart for a bra and Ben and Jerry’s that you bought last week, and some lint! Well, that’s not going to work is it. So as you walk away sing as loud as you possible can..”Let it go”….people will stare….but let them! …just keep singing, just keep singing,..just keep singing singing singing what do we do..we sing, sing , sing….And even though you might have considered for a very brief moment of pocketing it..NO..you can NOT do that!

 

Next time you are in a fight with someone, it doesn’t even matter who it is, start singing at them. As they are trying to “make their point” to you….start singing slowly. They might say..”what?? what are you doing?” …that’s when you let it out! Go all Mariah Carey on the mofo and LET IT GO!!! Keep singing until they just walk away…YOU WIN!!

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It’s 2:00 in the morning, and your are woken up by the feel of something wet and warm running down your body. You wonder for a minute if you are dreaming. Then you wonder if you actually just pissed yourself! The reality of it is that your 2 year old who is “mostly” potty trained…except at night of course….took off their pull up because THEY ALWAYS DO THAT…and then climbed into bed with you and pissed on you! Why??…who the fuck knows why!! All I know is that it’s 2 in the damn morning and I have piss on me. I have a decision to make here. Do I get up and change the sheets and change all the clothes and do all the stuff, or do I just Let it go! Yep…you guessed it right…I’m sleeping in the piss and singing myself back to sleep…”Let it GO”…I’m fucking tired..

 

 

A video my friends:..

 

My Guest is super Bitchy!~ GUEST BLOGGER

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Who’s ready for a rant?… I thought so. Though, I don’t want to disappoint all you loyal Vagina readers out there, but this is not she. The voice you are hearing (words you are reading?) is that of Vagina’s sister. I am not going to try to come up with a clever nick name involving a body part. That conversation could get awkward… though I am fairly sure that my lovely sister would not shy away from the challenge. But if you guys are watchers of her videos (which, if you’re not, you totally should be!!! Do it now!) I am the “Creeper” found in the Shopping with Vagina’s Mom video that took place at Goodwill. Some background detail…. The Goodwill associates kept asking me if I was going to buy what I was wearing, except all of that: the sunglasses, the poncho, the hat are all mine and are currently sitting in my closet. So, go watch the video and come back and know how cool the person is you are listening (reading?) to is.

 

So, I told my sister quite sometime ago I would do a guest blog for her. She and I both share the same annoyances with social media. Much of what you have read or watched of her talking about Facebook spawns from conversations we seem to have on a regular basis. The rants got more frequent when she started this blog and I became a Communication major. (So, side note: The only reason the rants got more frequent for her is because she now spends much more time on social media hobnobbing with other bloggers, whom she loves. And she LOVES all her readers. But you must relate in that after so many hours on Face Book you start to get a little twitchy.) I am little more hardcore in that I REALLY hate all forms of social media yet am still an active user of it…and I hate myself. I have the FB app on my phone and I use it during times of boredom (generally during class, it’s a problem). But there is never anything interesting on there. I try to delete it, once went 6 months without it, but something always brings me back. But now to connect all this to why being a Communication Major has made my hate stronger.

 

The study of Communication (not CommunicationS) is the study of how people relate to other people. So, romantic relationships, work place interactions etc… One of my favorite subjects I have come across is that of friendships. I think it is because I finally knew that what I was feeling when it came to my friendships was completely normal. I am one of these people that has had a lot of other people come in and out of her life but only considers very FEW of them friends, the rest are close acquaintances. That sorta means that my friendships are some of the closest relationships I have to my heart and when they end I find my heart breaks much like someone else’s might when a romantic relationship ends. Social media has made more people experience this type of “friendship breakup”. Hold on now before you go disagreeing… let me make my case.

 

Years and years of studies have shown that the ending of romantic relationships is suppose to naturally end with a final cut off point. A time when both partners can look at a moment and say “yeah, that’s when we broke up.” Friendships naturally act differently. They slowly disintegrate without much notice. You may note not calling or texting them as much but if it doesn’t end in a huge fight, they usually just float away. But when you look back at the friendship, though it has ended, you usually don’t look back with bad memories. Think of your best friends during High School. Now take the fact that they are your Facebook friend out of the picture. Are they active in your life? Do you make phone calls checking up on their lives? Do your kids know them and associate them with you? When something big happens, are they on the top of your list of people to distinctly tell? (And not just the recipients of a FB status?)… If not, then they aren’t actively your friend. They are a past friend. Now don’t feel bad, it’s totally ok and NATURAL. This is how they are suppose to work. But with the introduction of social media and new technologies into our lives these relationship (or more accurately the ending of them) has changed. And I think for the worst.

 

I started my Facebook when was in high school. The group of people I had on there are a completely different group than I have now, with very few exceptions. But most people collect friends on FB as they go. In real life you may have stopped seeing this person but you still get their status updates and pictures of their lives on your newsfeed. This constant connection to a person that you were once close with but have naturally grown apart from can be hurtful to yourself. The friendship has not been allowed to disappear and take its proper place in your life as a lovely memory. It is instead thrown in your face day after day, however long you let that relationship go… even if you didn’t mean to or even if you did. Because now you have to officially end the relationship and create a cutting off point. You must DELETE them from your online life… and many of us don’t have the balls (Vagina? Yeah, I think my sister would prefer to use the term vagina for the strongest part of any human body) We don’t have the Vaginas do it. But, I finally did mine justice and started deleting people. However, its amazing how many people must check their friend lists on an hourly basis and I started getting friend requests back immediately. It’s the real world equivalent of finally closing your door on a person who barely knew it was open and then having them run up and start knocking and ringing your doorbell to let them in again. For a person like me (and I think most people who’ve actually done this) that is heart breaking.

 

This can be translated to Twitter and Instagram… you have to make the conscious choice to stop following the social media lives of this person and to cut them off from yours. Even cellphones have had their hand in this. We now have the lovely technology to transfer all the numbers and pictures and apps from our old phone to our new ones. Have you ever gone through your contact list and made a note of how many numbers you NEVER use anymore, of people you don’t talk to anymore? When I was young, I memorized the numbers of my best friends and if you weren’t my best friend anymore I didn’t call you as much and my brain would naturally forget your number. We are forced to watch the lives of people we once considered close. If your anything like me…its not always fun. Some people’s stories make me sad. I hate seeing where their lives are going. Or something about them made me want to get their negative influence out my life but there was no need to tell them directly… because they had mostly forgotten about me too but somehow they notice and force you to keep that negativity on your newsfeed. Or (most heart breaking) people I was terribly close with and am no longer in their actual lives and I see it moving and it makes me happy that they’re happy… but I MISS them. And if I didn’t have to see it every time I got on FB, I would think back and nostalgically miss them but now I actively miss them and its hard.

 

This effect of social media on our friendships has not had a lot of research done about it (In fact, I was told to go to grad school and study it… but at this point it will be a cold day in hell before I walk back into the education system again… OK, that’s a rant for a different day!!) But I can tell you it is annoying and sad and hard… but yet I still engage. I try to keep my friend list trim and only keep people in which I talk to currently or believe I will talk to again for one reason or another. But there are a couple that are there cause they just keep sending friend requests back or because I just don’t have the Vagina to do it… because I still love them and sometimes wish to see these people again even though I know I probably won’t. So, there it is. My BIGGEST complaint about social media. It’s annoying and I’ll probably delete it again… and then bring it back again. Its freaking addicting! But just so you know, if you’re feeling any of these ways, so is everybody else. But since none of us are getting rid of our profiles and twitter feeds, how about we all agree to stop posting political and religious rants, A different selfie everyday, Talking about how terrible your life is, or how absolutely amazing it is…Oh, and most importantly, no more TROLLING!… Or how about you just go and watch Vagina’s videos about people on Facebook and try not to be THOSE people. And thanks for listening to our rants! I look forward to your interesting and thought provoking comments 😉 (PS I only care about interesting and thought provoking comments.)

 

Here is the video that my super bitchy Guest Blogger is in! Check it out!~ What a creeper…;)

 

Facebook Fuckery….part I

 

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I have written a lot about Facebook. I have also done a lot of Facebook parody videos. I have this love/hate thing going on with Facebook. I have said this before…it is very much like the love/hate thing I have going on with Walmart. I love being able to go to Walmart and buy a bra and not even 5 feet away be able to buy some Ben & Jerry’s chubby hubby. Then there is also that thing of the myriad of butt cracks and deodorant-less people that you have to wade through. I suppose with all things comes the good and bad right?!

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The other day my lil sis and I were chatting and she was telling me how someone came to her facebook page and left a comment saying something like ” I was stalking your page, and saw that you no longer work at the coffee shop.” I wonder…is it “stalking” if you are actually friends on facebook? If someone actually agreed to have you on their friends list, aren’t you allowed to go to their page and look at their shit? I thought that was the point of being facebook “friends.” I mean…what else is there to do when you are a facebook friend. It’s not like you can meet for lunch on facebook and chat about breadsticks. To be friends on facebook means you get to see all the shit that the person posts. That is the extent of your facebook relationship! That’s it!! No matter how annoying what they post is.

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Don’t get all pissy about what I just said. I have openly admitted to being a facebook whore. I totally am. Aren’t we all though? Have you actually stopped to think about why you are even on facebook? Why you feel the need to engage in the whole thing? I am not going to lie…political and religious posts annoy the friggin crap out of me. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but so do I. So does every damn person that is going to comment on your post about politics or religion. Even the ones you don’t like or agree with. When does YOUR opinion become the only “real” one? Plus…if you didn’t want people to have an opinion about your post…why did you choose a social network site to post it? “SOCIAL” being the important word here! And please with the religious bible versus. Listen okay…..every damn person that lives in this country knows about the bible. EVERYONE!!! If you are posting bible versus because you think it is inspirational to someone, then explain this to me,.. because the ONLY people that you are inspiring, are the people that already believe that way. You might get 10 likes on that post….ALL of them coming from your fellow church people that already know exactly what the bible says. I guarantee….NOBODY is going to read a verse from the bible posted on facebook and think to themselves….Oh…now I want to attend church because I just read a bible verse. I already know a huge group of people are pissed off at me for saying that, but guess what….it’s MY opinion. Same as you…I have a right to it!

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Another group of seriously annoying facebook posts are the constant animal/children abuse posts. I have literally blocked certain people from my facebook feed because I couldn’t take the constant swarm of horrible awful pictures of abused animals and children. WHY are you people posting these?? This is doing NOTHING to help animal and child abuse! NOTHING!!! Posting horrific awful pictures that you can never unsee again is doing nothing more than making sure people have that horrible image in their head all day. So bascially making sure you screw up their day. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day? Well…it’s the same damn thing when you see a picture of someone skinning a dog while it’s alive! FRIGGIN STOP with those picture already. If you want to join in the animal/child abuse problem in the world…then activaly get yourself involved. THAT is when change occurs. Not sitting on facebook and posting a bunch of horrible pictures than going off to work and going on with your day. If you think you are actually bringing attention to the subject….you are wrong. If people do not already know about child/ animal abuse then they are either amish or have been raised by wolves. EVERYONE knows this is happening in the world. If you are passionate about it….then make it your passion to get involved on these issues. It’s like that Sarah Mclachlan commercial that EVERYONE has seen. It just makes you sad! My wish is that we lived in a world that these things didn’t happen.

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As far as the folks that get on facebook and let you know that they are deleting people off their facebook, so you better let them know right now if you want to stay. Can I just ask someone to explain this madness to me, because I don’t get it. If you want to delete people off your facebook, why feel the need to tell everyone you are doing it? I really don’t get it. It seems to me that you must be feeling sad and needing some attention, and you want folks to say “please don’t delete me.” I get it….everyone wants to feel loved. I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my shit on facebook. It’s true….I’m that person! I’m funny dammitt!!! Actually I’m not….most people just don’t understand my sense of humor. They don’t get me ya know. Anyway….I do not delete people off of facebook. If they don’t want to be on my facebook, they can delete themselves.  I am not taking time to delete people. But if I did…I certainly am not going to announce it to everyone. I have officially only deleted a person once, and I am not going to get into the reasons why. I am not going to lie, I have blocked a few from my status feed, but that is only because I really can not take the constant flow of abuse pictures that were being posted, and a few other things. Yes…I am purposely being vague. 🙂

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Anyway…..I want to finish up this insanely long blog post with…can’t we all just get along!!! Isn’t that what facebook is about? Socializing. We live in a technologically inclined time. Everything we do involves technology of some sort….except pooping. That is still done the old fashioned way.

 

Also….I have NO room to talk. I post the weirdest shit on Facebook! So here is my public apology to all the folks that have to endure my weird ass posts. Like this one…..

An open Letter to my Heated Blanket:

Heated Blanket,

 
There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need for you to know. Do you realize how much I need you. especially now, in these times of such hardships. Yesterday, the high was -2. Negative 2 degrees!!! This was the high for the day.

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You are the only one that understands me. The only that has EVER really understood me and my needs. I know I have forgotten about you. Packed you away and stuffed you in the back of the closet before when times were…”sunnier”….and there was even that time that I forgot where I put you, and searched and searched through the whole house, only to find you stuffed under a christmas bin that had been put in the room under the stairs. Even after all that….you still came back to me with your warmth.

 

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Except for that one time. I know, I know…I don’t want to bring it up either, but you need to know how much that hurt me. I was broken hearted after ” the incident.” I pre heated you because I knew it was going to be a damn cold night. I went about with my nightly activities, putting the kids to bed, having a late night snack, all the while just knowing that you were getting ready for me. I have always trusted that you would be nice and hot for me. I turned out the lights and without even checking  jumped right in and wrapped up in you, but it was cold! So so cold! Not even a hint of warmth came from you! You were just so cold! I even shivered.

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What happened? Why did you lie to me? I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way. Nothing but cold all around me! You had officially burned out. You left me heated blanket, when I needed you most….you just left. That was a sad day. A very COLD sad day.

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I knew that day would come eventually, but I thought I had more time. I just thought you had more to give. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I know you felt used. I know you think I only turned you on when I was cold…and you are probably right about that. But do you have any idea how often I get cold. Like I am freezing at 65 degrees. Which is why I always knew you were the perfect match for me.

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Your warmth has made me a better person. Trust me. I’m a bitch when I’m cold!! But the time has come. I must replace you. You no longer have the ability to heat me up the way you used to. We have so many memories but that is all they are now….memories.
There is a new heated blanket in my life. It has digital buttons, and fancy gadgets, and a new fangled pre heating system that would blow your mind. I just needed you to know heated blanket that….well…..I always Loved you…and I always will!! And please don’t think of it as you failed me….even though you did….because I will never forget our times together. You were my best Friend! Heated Blanket…I Love you! ❤

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I hope you all had the BEST Thanksgiving and ate lots of delicious food! I made a video for you. Here is sneak peek at my Thanksgiving! ~ Just for fun!!

YOU are Dead to Me…part II

If you cut me off just to get in front of me in the 10 items or less line, but you actually have 20 items… You are dead to me.

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If you knock on my door and repeatedly ring my doorbell when my kid is taking a nap… or I am taking a nap… You are dead to me.

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If you tell me “You have too much time on your hands” because I have a hobby… Dead to me.

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If you take my parking spot at the school, and you know damn well I park in the same spot every day… You are dead to me.

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If you show up at my house without calling first, then you are dead to me… Unless of course you brought wine, then you have redeemed yourself and can live…

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Outhouses are DEAD to me. Seriously, those things should be dead to everyone. There is no way to wash your hands in those nasty wasty things!! I’d rather shit on a tree stump. It would be cleaner…

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To the person that bought my 7yr. old a brand new pointy-toed mini barbie because the dog chewed off the feet… That barbie was dead to me…. and now you are…

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The driver side door on my suburban is dead to me! Absolutely DEAD!! The fucking thing won’t shut right…

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Every Lego ever made – DEAD!!!

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Every container of Play dough, kid’s Sand art, tie dye kit, beading jewelry necklace kit, crayola marker making kit, perler beads bag zebra striped 1000 count, crayola melt n mold factory, 50 assorted plastic stamp and paint set – ALL DEAD TO ME! I don’t have the time or patience for that shit! How about you buy us a birthday gift that is already made, cheap ass!

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AHH…The good old days when kids found their own fun…

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The loom rubber band kit with the 1000 band re-fill variety pack – DEAD!!! And now my vacuum is dead because it has sucked up a shit ton of tiny rubber bands…

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The make-up kit that my mom wants to buy my kid for Christmas will probably turn my white carpet into an array of rainbow colors. It’s already dead to me… and it’s not even here yet…

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If I have something in the oven, and it burns… then it is dead to me. I wanted pizza delivered anyway….

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The 10 degrees below zero weather we are having is dead to me, though it may kill me first…

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The squat-kick burn your ass off, and kill your thighs move in Taebo is dead to me. I am certain that the road to hell is paved with Billy Blanks squat-kick moves. Thanks Satan.

 
The hand controllers on my kid’s game systems are dead to me. I am positive they are covered in poop and boogers, and no amount of clorox wipes is making me feel better about it.

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The stretch mark on my stomach that made me get excited because I thought it was an ab… only to realize it is a stretch mark is now dead to me…. That was really rude!

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When the power goes out and screws up everything, and nothing in the house works, and I can’t even flush the toilet… then the power company is dead to me… Literally… I mean the power is DEAD!!

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If you continue to let your dog shit in my yard, then you are dead to me… as is your dog… and their shit!! And I know it’s their shit because that cow pie did not come out of my chihuahua!

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The hole I have in my sock right now as I am writing this is dead to me. The fucking thing is annoying me because I’m pretty sure my big toe is supposed to be IN MY SOCK! Fuck you hole!!! um, that didn’t sound right…

hole sock

The mouse that was under my kitchen sink is now officially DEAD! But the memories still live in my mind…

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I made a video!! Just for you!! ~ 🙂   Have A BEAUTIFUL Thanksgiving everyone!~

 

YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

 
If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

 
If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”

 

 

YOU might be a mom if.….

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You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.

 

 

If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

 
If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

 
If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

 
If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

 
If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

 
If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

 
If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

 
If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

 
If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

 
If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….

 

 

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

 
If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

 
If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

 
If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

 
If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

 
If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

 
If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

 
If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

 
If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

 
YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

 
If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

 
If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

 
If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

 
If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

 
If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

 
If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

 
If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

 
If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

 
YOU might be a mom if.

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If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

 
If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

 
If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

 
If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

 
If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

 
If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

 
If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

 
If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!

 

 
If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

 
If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!

 

If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…

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Just Kidding

 

Look…I made a new video… 🙂

 

 

 

 

READ THIS!!! Because I don’t have a title for it…

The other day, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me a story. I have no idea what it was about because about 3 minutes in, I basically stopped listening and started thinking about unicorns. Okay… before you judge me… listen, I don’t have that kind of attention span anymore. I can give you about 2, maybe 2 ½ minutes tops!! After that… I’m gone. So, she was going on about something…. (no clue)… but before I went off to unicorn land, I heard her talking about something being “deader than a doornail.” It made me start thinking about phrases and how most of them make absolutely no sense at all. Why do we even use these phrases? Most of the time we use them when we have no idea of what else to say. So I put together some phrases that I think should change. Here ya go:

 

1) Deader than a door nail! – I have never looked at a door nail and thought to myself, “That looks dead.” That phrase should change. It could be…Deader than a corpse. Now that would make much more sense. Or deader than roadkill.  “I killed that spider and it is deader than a smooshed raccoon on Main Street!” Makes sense right??  Side note: My diet is deader than roadkill!

 

Chicken cross the road-L

 

2) Dumb as a bag of hammers. – Alright…. A bag of hammers isn’t dumb. Technically, you could say that the person owning a bag of hammers is dumb, because why does anybody need a bag of hammers. I think one hammer is enough. So a possible alternative could be “as dumb as a person that owns a bag of hammers.” That makes more sense.

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3) A penny for your thoughts- Aww, how sweet!!… NOT!! Bitch my thoughts are worth more than a fucking penny! I have awesome thoughts….You want to shoot me a hundo, maybe I’ll give you thought. How about this? A hundred for your thoughts, and I’m not talking about pennies. I mean the leafy, green stuff.

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4) It’s raining cats and dogs- Okay… Who decided that dogs and cats falling out of the sky reminded them of rain? If you really stopped and thought about it, you would realize it’s actually quite a disturbing image. You think roadkill is bad… think about a bunch of cats and dogs falling out of the sky… the splats alone would be horrible, and no umbrella is saving you from that massacre. Plus you would be dodging dog and cat piss on top of fur balls and whatever else. NOT A GOOD ANALOGY! We should change that!

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5) This is more an observation on my part. Being that it was just halloween, and I now have a shit ton of “fun” size candy sitting in my cupboard. I want to address this. Who decided that a candy bar that is literally smaller than a fucking finger nail should be called FUN size. There is nothing FUN about it. Not only is it NOT fun eating a candy that is 1/2 an inch long, but you need to eat like 15 of them to actually even start having any kind of fun… which basically does the opposite effect, because then you just feel really shitty about yourself after stuffing 15 candy bars in your face! NOT COOL! They need to change that! Maybe call it crumb size candy bars! Because that’s what it is!! Put a disclaimer on the bag that you will in fact need to eat the whole bag to even experience any fun at all!

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6) You know the saying “what goes around comes around?” If you haven’t heard this yet… then you must live in a cave because this saying is widely used across the nation. Probably all over the world, in fact. I agree with this statement for the most part, but I have this major peeve about it. When people say it wrong, it just sounds stupid! The reason it says.. “what GOES around COMES around” is because when you put things into the world, it makes it’s way back to you. That’s it. What you give, you get back! That is what it means. So when people say it backwards like this… “What comes around goes around”… this makes no sense. It’s called karma, bitch.

Karma

 

7) A chip on your shoulder- What the fuck??? Are you saying my anger automatically caused a chip to grow from my shoulder? If so, what kind of chip? Potato? Corn? Computer? I’ll tell you what, if their was a chip on my shoulder…. I wouldn’t be pissed off… I would need some dip! If someone said to me.. “you have a chip on your shoulder”…then my response would be… “get some dip, and let’s fucking eat!” 

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8) Close but no cigar- That’s rude. It’s basically saying you were almost a winner, but nope. You’re a loser. And what the hell kind of prize is that? You can keep your fucking cigar! If I win something, then I want some money or chocolate! They should change that… close but no 5 million! Or close but no reeses! Makes more sense to me!

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To finish this off… I’ve decided to compile a list of things that most people believe are “the worst thing ever” I agree with these! 

A cold toilet seat! – Having to sit down on a freezing toilet seat when you are already cold is the worst!! It sucks. You have to brace yourself for that first impact when you sit.

A warm toilet seat – It probably means that someone was just sitting and shitting! So, this could also be considered the worst thing ever!

A toilet seat, in general – To be honest, the whole toilet experience could be considered the worst thing. You can’t help but think “who has sat here before me?” “What is that unidentified substance on the seat?” “Why is the seat so fucking close the the stall walls? Elbow room would be nice.” “Is that… Oh God, is that somebody else’s pube?” Toilet seats suck.

 

When you are jonesing for a reeses, and you just gotta have one. You stop at the gas station, buy yourself one, open it up, and take a bite, just to taste powdery nastiness. When was this made, during the Civil War? That is the worst thing ever!! Those gas stations need to invest in some fresh reeses. NOT COOL!!!

 

When you have a nice big bowl of salsa, and you get your chip and dive in and the fucking thing breaks. Then you go in again… breaks again, and all you have left is a crumb of a chip that is not going to be holding any salsa, and rescuing it means getting your fingers covered in salsa, and it’s just a whole ordeal. After, you start anew with a whole new chip, and it happens again…. WORST!!!

 

Wet popcorn in a shared popcorn bowl!! Enough said on that!! GROSS!!!

 

And last but not least…. the toilet paper bust through. Don’t even act like this has not happened to you! When you are having a pastie poop, usually after taco tuesday, and you keep wiping and wiping, but the poop just keeps coming, and you think your TP is reliable, and what happens? Your finger busts through the toilet paper and now you have shit finger. I trusted you, toilet paper. Yep… that is officially the worst thing ever in my book. Or actually… maybe the worst thing ever is if it happens to the guy that is making your tacos, he has the finger bust through…and leaves the bathroom WITHOUT washing his damn hands then goes and makes your tacos…okay…THAT is the worst thing ever!!!  Well folks….I don’t have new video for you this week. I was super busy buying… I mean baking cupcakes for the kids halloween parties. 🙂 

 

Fucking Neighbors…(not literally)..

I’m not really a neighbor person. I try to not really get into things with them. Listen, I don’t want to come across as a complete asshole here… but I am. So yeah. Haven’t you ever had those times when you just want to be able to walk from your car to your house with your groceries without having to stop and make small talk? I don’t have the patience or the energy for small talk. I have 4 kids, and a lot of shit I have been procrastinating on, and I need to keep procrastinating on it, but I can’t if I have to stop and talk about the fucking weather, or why our grass is so high they can’t see the mountains in the distance. Well…. get a telescope!! So I decided to come up with a list to help you out. This is a list of things you can do to ensure that your neighbors will never ever talk to you. You can walk from your car to your house without the lingering threat of having to talk. Try them all, or just use a few… but they are all guaranteed to make sure you will be left the fuck alone!

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1) Your lawn is high, and you have been putting off mowing it. The neighbors have been giving you the “look” of disapproval over the fence. So you figure… fine I’ll mow the yard. Make sure you are completely naked! NOTHING but headphones. You may have to hold your Ipod, or you can use one of those arm things. Just make sure you have the headphones because if anyone decides to yell anything at you… you can’t hear them. This will work for a push mower or a riding mower. Either way, but you may want to clorox wipe the seat on the rider afterwords.

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2) Keep your door open and bark at anyone that walks by. Don’t just bark… growl viciously, meow, chirp, and even howl. You can do all of them in a systematic way, or just at random.

 

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3) Visit your local junk yard, and find yourself the oldest nastiest toilet you can find. Also pick up an old shower, and you can even throw in a sink. Considering it is a junk yard, you are going to get some screaming deals on all of it. Set up the fake bathroom right smack dab in the middle of your front yard. I would make sure and put the toilet and shower facing the neighbors house. They really can’t complain because technically they are “lawn decorations.”

 

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4) Occasionally use the lawn bathroom! Now remember… it is not an actual working bathroom, so you will have some cleaning to do after you use it…. but hold off on the cleaning for a while. That will really ensure no neighbors coming around.

 

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5) At Christmas time, don’t put lights on the house. Decorate the lawn bathroom! Light that bitch up!!

 

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You can get really festive and add in some personnel touches here and there, like this colored toilet paper…They will appreciate the effort I am sure…

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6) Put a mattress on the roof and then have sex on it. It is your choice if it is with a partner or with yourself. Just make sure you are loud!

 

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7) Hang a bunch of skeletons in your trees by nooses. Only take them down during Halloween time. Once Halloween is over… right back up they go.

 

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8) Build a gazebo right next to your lawn bathroom that is completely built out of pizza boxes. Sort of like a shrine to your most favorite pizza joint. You can even take it one step further and build some benches and lawn furniture out of the pizza boxes. No cheating and using things like wood, and nails. It has to be out of pizza boxes. I promise… you will be taken right off the neighborhood barbecue list. You might be put at the top of the neighborhood watch list as the person to watch… but… it’s worth it.

 

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9) If someone is actually brave enough to walk up your driveway to confront you, (because there is always that one guy)… just make sure that you have posted on your door a visible note that says: “I just got home from the Division of infectious disease at the hospital. I am not feeling well, so please knock lightly on the door. Side note- if you have already touched the door knob, please strip down immediately and follow these instructions on how to decontaminate. You only have 5 minutes from the start of reading this message. Thanks and have a great day.” I bet they won’t knock.

 

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10) And last but not least, you can send out invites to all the neighbors for a dinner that you are hosting. Make sure and let them know that you will be serving Dick Salad for the main course. Most people like to know in advance what is being served. You can let them know that after they fill up on Dick salad you have plenty of vagina ice cream for dessert. Add that the Vagina ice cream is made with “real” Vagina’s…no fillers here!  You will probably have lots of dick salad left because no one is showing up to your dinner party. 😉

CockSandwich

YOUR WELCOME! 🙂

If you find yourself in a situation where you are still having to talk, or interact with people…then I say just run for it!! Run for the door. That’s it, as they start talking….just take off in a full on run and don’t stop. Keep running…just like Forrest Gump, and don’t stop until you get inside. Then pour yourself a nice big glass of anything, and watch this video!

What is your guilty pleasure??…

I am so going to get some crap for this, but you know what, I made the decision to put myself out there…so Here I go!! We all have those things that we love….maybe it is a song, or a t.v. show. Maybe a really bad food choice that you just refuse to stay away from, or certain books that some people consider “smut” instead of literature. Some people choose to use their guilty pleasure in the way of buying shoes….or clothes, or just buying anything. Who doesn’t love a good shopping trip now and then. The problem comes in when you really , really need those Manolo Blahnik shoes, but they are $950.00, of which you do not have. You are searching your damn pockets, looking through every crevice in your purse, even scraping the change out of the car, but all you come up with is $23.90. Yeah…your about $910.00 dollars short. You consider possibly standing on the street corner ( just to see what happens)…because you really, really NEED those shoes. You have an outfit that only THOSE particular shoes will match with. You need them, you must have them. but ALAS….you are not “Pretty Woman.” You did not start out as a whore, and end up as a princess. WHY?? because life doesn’t fucking work like that!! Look….I’m not saying life is all about shoes…but really, it is. So anyway….Back to the reason for this post. I am going to come clean about my guilty pleasures. I am going to spill the beans on the shit I do that I really don’t want anybody to know about. So please…after you read this, just forget everything you saw here. It’s like what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Well…look at this in the same way! I have a reputation to protect. Actually….that ship sailed a long time ago, so you know what, here it goes. Some of my most awful guilty pleasures that I will admit too.

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1. On my ipod I have a myriad of different music. I am one of these types of people that listen to everything and keep an open mind to all music….except country…that shit should be outlawed. I can’t listen to that twangy crying in your beer bullshit! But other than that I am seriously open minded…;) No but really….country sucks ass. Sorry to all the folks who LOVE country music that I just completely offended with my opinion. I’m not really sorry though…country music just sucks. So back to my guilty pleasure. I have some REALLY bad music on my ipod. Like I am talking BAD! Let me start with my exercise play list. It goes something like this: Toni Basil – Hey Mickey, Divo- whip it, Eurythmics – Here Comes The Rain Again, Eminem – Love the way you lie, Eminem- The way I am, Eminem- not afraid, ( Yes, I am a fan), not in a stalkery way though…kind of stalkery, I also have lots of Alanis Morisette because I dig her, and I have Britney from the good old ” Ooops I did it…again” days…hm…sounds familiar, and lots of other kinds of music. On a side note- if we all had a song that would describe the theme of our life, mine would without a doubt be “And we Danced” by Macklemeore. Yep…that’s me! So last but not least is the one song on my playlist that I can not believe I am going to admit too, but here it is. Ice Ice Baby ( Vanilla Ice!) There it is….I said it. And I rock out to that bitch too. When I am exercising and that song comes on…nothing can slow me down. It’s like a fire was put under my ass. I know I have NO right to talk about country music when I have Vanilla Ice floating around on my Ipod…but…there it is….

 

2. T.V. shows. Okay…we all have those nights when your day sucked ass and you just want to drop on the couch in front of the Tele and watch really shitty shows to get your mind off of the crappy day you had. I actually choose to watch some of that crappy t.v. even when I had a perfectly fine day. All mom’s know that most of the television that we end up watching is crap like calliou which makes you want to rip off your ears and throw them in the garbage disposal. BUT…there is always that time after the kids go to bed, and I actually am able to stay awake for a show, that I pull out my guilty pleasures of the REALLY bad television that I actually took the time to tivo. First of all…I am a complete NERD! I LOVE Doctor Who. I have watched every damn episode since they started the show back up with the 9th doctor, and am now on the eleventh doctor who I just found out is now leaving the show and they are getting a new 12th doctor in and this is a very emotional time for me. I really can’t talk about it!!!! but seriously. I am a friggin Doctor Who freak. On top of that, I always love me some New Girl! Schmidt rules!! Love that show….but the real bad one that I can not believe I am admitting too that I watch every episode of is…The real housewives of New Jersey! Okay…there….it’s out now! Yeah…I watch it…and so does the husband. Actually, I think he might even be more of a fan than I am. Every Sunday night he’s like…” Did housewives record?… you should check and make sure it recorded.” DUDE…seriously…Anyway..so yeah, there it is…

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3. YES, I read Twilight! YES, I liked it. It was not the highlight of my life. No I did not think it was ” Excellent Literature”, but…it was entertaining. I am NOT a Twi-hard!! YES, I read 50 shades of Grey! NO I did not think it was ” Excellent Literature”, but it was also entertaining….and FUN! 😉 I actually learned some new moves from 50! 😉  I will probably opt out on the movies for that one though. Reading it was good enough for me! Got all the images right here in the brain. I have also read Shakespeare, and Jane Austin, and I have read the Belle Jar, and many, many other books. The thing is…I am sort of a smut book junkie. I really like smutty books. The dirty, immoral kind. As of recently, I actually have been reading a ton of spirit books. Like Deepok Chopra, and Louise Hay. So…it’s not ALL smut, and raunchy literature. I think it all has it’s place. I mean…if you decided to read 50 shades of grey, don’t expect something like pride and prejudice. They are completely different and to compare the two is like comparing Julia Roberts to snookie. It just doesn’t work. There it is…

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4. I have mentioned this before. I think I may actually talk about it in almost every post I have ever written. CHOCOLATE!!! This is a big one for me. I Love chocolate. There is no denying that. I literally will eat anything covered in chocolate. I mean anything. Seriously….go ahead and comment below anything that you can think of…and if you cover it in chocolate, I would eat it. My kids toe nails…yep, bugs…yep, dirty shoelaces…yep, raw chicken…um….okay yep. It’s a sickness really. I may need help. Well…there it is…

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creepy right?…I’d do it…

5. I can’t believe I am going to admit this…but spongebob is a guilty pleasure of mine. first of all, I know so many people that do not let their kids watch it. I understand why. But I LOVE spongebob. I love that show…and I have always loved it. I do let my kids watch it and I am hoping none of their teachers are reading this because then they are probably thinking…” Ohhhh….now I get it! She let’s them watch spongebob!” O.O I can’t help it. I love spongebob. I tend to think I am more like plankton in real life, but still…I am admitting I let my kids watch that show mostly because I want to watch it. One day my mom called me up on the phone and my kids had been watching spongebob, but went off to play something else. So there I was sitting on the couch on the phone with my mom and spongebob was on t.v.

 

Mom: ” what are you doing

 
Me: “ sitting here watching spongebob

 
Mom : ” what channel is it on?

 
Me: ” nickelodeon…duh”

 
Mom: ” shutup.” she changes her channel to nickelodeon.

 
Me: ” How is spongebob at the ocean?…he lives in the ocean

 
mom: ” yeah, look at that…he’s surfing on the ocean…and he’s in the ocean!”

 
Yes…this happened! There it is…

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6. Facebook!!! Enough said! actually I wrote an entire post on how I am a Facebook whore. You can read that Here-

 

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Now it is time to hear about YOUR guilty pleasures. We all have them. Are you brave enough to let it out!! Come on…what have you got to lose, other than your dignity…and maybe some pride. and BTW…here is the theme song of my life. Seriously…if I ever had to choose a song that best describes me and my life…this would be it :

 

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