The Top 5 WORST people to run into in public places…

Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)
 
 
The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind…  and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:
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For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!
 
 
 
I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall! 
 
 
The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:
 
 
 
1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi.  You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog! 
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2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:
 
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3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.
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4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!
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5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)
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The conversation would probably go like this:
“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”
 
 
 
 
 
So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:
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LET IT GO!~

If you are a parent, then I would guess that you have heard the song “Let it go” from Frozen at least 5 million and 3 times by now. I know I have…..wait a minute….make that 5 million and 4 times now.  -_-  I know that many of you are so sick of that song you can’t even stand another second of it. I actually really like the song and I haven’t become completely pukey about it yet! …but I can feel the time of pukesville drawing near. When I first heard the song I was like, yeah…let it go! Let your inner music shine and all that really great, inspirational stuff. Now though…I have heard it so many times that I can’t help but think of that song in the most random of times and for the most random of things. If you really stop and think about it, you can use that song for so many different situations. I have compiled some situations in which that song works perfectly for. Sometimes it helps in life to just make the shit that is happening into a song. So here ya go, Situations that “Let it Go” can apply to:

 

You are sitting in your car in the middle of traffic and all of a sudden those tacos you had for lunch decide they are ready for an exit. The problem is….you are sitting in the middle of traffic and it doesn’t look as if it is letting up anytime soon! So you try and talk yourself out of it. That doesn’t work. Then you try and do the shake your butt back and forth dance hoping it keeps you from having to sing the “I shit my pants song!”  Doesn’t work! So you start praying….even if you are not religious at all…you have instantly become spiritual because you are now praying to anybody that will listen from up above. You squeeze with everything you got, and once you finally make it to the toilet at this moment you can sing “Let it Go” with all your might and really mean it! Side note – Why is it that when you have to go to the bathroom so damn bad, and you are racing for the toilet, every step you get closer to the toilet makes you have to go even worse?

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Another variation of the bathroom situation where you can use that song is when you are in a public restroom, and you need to go, but there is a person in the stall next to you. I bet they are in the same predicament and also want to let it go. So you kind of are at a stale mate at this point because both of you are waiting for the other one to finish up and leave so you can “let it go!” …Just sing…..sing loud enough so that when you actually let it go,…all they hear is singing. They will appreciate it as well, …especially if they are stuck waiting for you to leave. Maybe they will start singing with you. Side note- Dudes don’t really get this either. They don’t seem to have that thing about noises coming from the bathroom stalls….actually I think they enjoy those noises…

 

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It’s been a long day! You finally made it home and all you want to do is relax! At this point…it’s time to take off your bra and set the girls free! As you are taking off your bra, it is a great time to sing “Let it go!” It makes the whole experience so much more gratifying! Dudes don’t get this one either!

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When you are in a public place and you drop your food! Trust me on this….you need to sing the song “Let it go” and then actually just “let it go!” I know sometimes it’s hard to do that….especially if you dropped something really good, but at this point…just let it go!

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When you step on the scale after a weekend of binge eating! Look up and start singing “Let it go!”

 

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You go to the same coffee place everyday. And every day you order the same thing. Yet, every day they get your order wrong! EVERY DAY!! Walk up to the counter and look the girl directly in the face. Serenade her….Sing as loud as your voice can go!..” Let it go….let it go, can’t hold it back anymore….Let it go, let it go…turn away and slam the door..” and then walk out!

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You walk by the sink and the dishes are billowing out just staring at you and making you feel like you are bad at cleaning the house! Give the dishes your middle finger and start singing… “Let it go!”

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The same applies to the laundry in the washing machine that you have to keep washing because you forget about it and it now smells like death! Or the laundry in the dryer that you keep restarting because you don’t want to fold it! Just sing my friends… sing…”Let it go!”

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You’re in the store and you see something you really, really want. You pull out your wallet and realize that your wallet contains a receipt from Walmart for a bra and Ben and Jerry’s that you bought last week, and some lint! Well, that’s not going to work is it. So as you walk away sing as loud as you possible can..”Let it go”….people will stare….but let them! …just keep singing, just keep singing,..just keep singing singing singing what do we do..we sing, sing , sing….And even though you might have considered for a very brief moment of pocketing it..NO..you can NOT do that!

 

Next time you are in a fight with someone, it doesn’t even matter who it is, start singing at them. As they are trying to “make their point” to you….start singing slowly. They might say..”what?? what are you doing?” …that’s when you let it out! Go all Mariah Carey on the mofo and LET IT GO!!! Keep singing until they just walk away…YOU WIN!!

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It’s 2:00 in the morning, and your are woken up by the feel of something wet and warm running down your body. You wonder for a minute if you are dreaming. Then you wonder if you actually just pissed yourself! The reality of it is that your 2 year old who is “mostly” potty trained…except at night of course….took off their pull up because THEY ALWAYS DO THAT…and then climbed into bed with you and pissed on you! Why??…who the fuck knows why!! All I know is that it’s 2 in the damn morning and I have piss on me. I have a decision to make here. Do I get up and change the sheets and change all the clothes and do all the stuff, or do I just Let it go! Yep…you guessed it right…I’m sleeping in the piss and singing myself back to sleep…”Let it GO”…I’m fucking tired..

 

 

A video my friends:..

 

My Guest is super Bitchy!~ GUEST BLOGGER

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Who’s ready for a rant?… I thought so. Though, I don’t want to disappoint all you loyal Vagina readers out there, but this is not she. The voice you are hearing (words you are reading?) is that of Vagina’s sister. I am not going to try to come up with a clever nick name involving a body part. That conversation could get awkward… though I am fairly sure that my lovely sister would not shy away from the challenge. But if you guys are watchers of her videos (which, if you’re not, you totally should be!!! Do it now!) I am the “Creeper” found in the Shopping with Vagina’s Mom video that took place at Goodwill. Some background detail…. The Goodwill associates kept asking me if I was going to buy what I was wearing, except all of that: the sunglasses, the poncho, the hat are all mine and are currently sitting in my closet. So, go watch the video and come back and know how cool the person is you are listening (reading?) to is.

 

So, I told my sister quite sometime ago I would do a guest blog for her. She and I both share the same annoyances with social media. Much of what you have read or watched of her talking about Facebook spawns from conversations we seem to have on a regular basis. The rants got more frequent when she started this blog and I became a Communication major. (So, side note: The only reason the rants got more frequent for her is because she now spends much more time on social media hobnobbing with other bloggers, whom she loves. And she LOVES all her readers. But you must relate in that after so many hours on Face Book you start to get a little twitchy.) I am little more hardcore in that I REALLY hate all forms of social media yet am still an active user of it…and I hate myself. I have the FB app on my phone and I use it during times of boredom (generally during class, it’s a problem). But there is never anything interesting on there. I try to delete it, once went 6 months without it, but something always brings me back. But now to connect all this to why being a Communication Major has made my hate stronger.

 

The study of Communication (not CommunicationS) is the study of how people relate to other people. So, romantic relationships, work place interactions etc… One of my favorite subjects I have come across is that of friendships. I think it is because I finally knew that what I was feeling when it came to my friendships was completely normal. I am one of these people that has had a lot of other people come in and out of her life but only considers very FEW of them friends, the rest are close acquaintances. That sorta means that my friendships are some of the closest relationships I have to my heart and when they end I find my heart breaks much like someone else’s might when a romantic relationship ends. Social media has made more people experience this type of “friendship breakup”. Hold on now before you go disagreeing… let me make my case.

 

Years and years of studies have shown that the ending of romantic relationships is suppose to naturally end with a final cut off point. A time when both partners can look at a moment and say “yeah, that’s when we broke up.” Friendships naturally act differently. They slowly disintegrate without much notice. You may note not calling or texting them as much but if it doesn’t end in a huge fight, they usually just float away. But when you look back at the friendship, though it has ended, you usually don’t look back with bad memories. Think of your best friends during High School. Now take the fact that they are your Facebook friend out of the picture. Are they active in your life? Do you make phone calls checking up on their lives? Do your kids know them and associate them with you? When something big happens, are they on the top of your list of people to distinctly tell? (And not just the recipients of a FB status?)… If not, then they aren’t actively your friend. They are a past friend. Now don’t feel bad, it’s totally ok and NATURAL. This is how they are suppose to work. But with the introduction of social media and new technologies into our lives these relationship (or more accurately the ending of them) has changed. And I think for the worst.

 

I started my Facebook when was in high school. The group of people I had on there are a completely different group than I have now, with very few exceptions. But most people collect friends on FB as they go. In real life you may have stopped seeing this person but you still get their status updates and pictures of their lives on your newsfeed. This constant connection to a person that you were once close with but have naturally grown apart from can be hurtful to yourself. The friendship has not been allowed to disappear and take its proper place in your life as a lovely memory. It is instead thrown in your face day after day, however long you let that relationship go… even if you didn’t mean to or even if you did. Because now you have to officially end the relationship and create a cutting off point. You must DELETE them from your online life… and many of us don’t have the balls (Vagina? Yeah, I think my sister would prefer to use the term vagina for the strongest part of any human body) We don’t have the Vaginas do it. But, I finally did mine justice and started deleting people. However, its amazing how many people must check their friend lists on an hourly basis and I started getting friend requests back immediately. It’s the real world equivalent of finally closing your door on a person who barely knew it was open and then having them run up and start knocking and ringing your doorbell to let them in again. For a person like me (and I think most people who’ve actually done this) that is heart breaking.

 

This can be translated to Twitter and Instagram… you have to make the conscious choice to stop following the social media lives of this person and to cut them off from yours. Even cellphones have had their hand in this. We now have the lovely technology to transfer all the numbers and pictures and apps from our old phone to our new ones. Have you ever gone through your contact list and made a note of how many numbers you NEVER use anymore, of people you don’t talk to anymore? When I was young, I memorized the numbers of my best friends and if you weren’t my best friend anymore I didn’t call you as much and my brain would naturally forget your number. We are forced to watch the lives of people we once considered close. If your anything like me…its not always fun. Some people’s stories make me sad. I hate seeing where their lives are going. Or something about them made me want to get their negative influence out my life but there was no need to tell them directly… because they had mostly forgotten about me too but somehow they notice and force you to keep that negativity on your newsfeed. Or (most heart breaking) people I was terribly close with and am no longer in their actual lives and I see it moving and it makes me happy that they’re happy… but I MISS them. And if I didn’t have to see it every time I got on FB, I would think back and nostalgically miss them but now I actively miss them and its hard.

 

This effect of social media on our friendships has not had a lot of research done about it (In fact, I was told to go to grad school and study it… but at this point it will be a cold day in hell before I walk back into the education system again… OK, that’s a rant for a different day!!) But I can tell you it is annoying and sad and hard… but yet I still engage. I try to keep my friend list trim and only keep people in which I talk to currently or believe I will talk to again for one reason or another. But there are a couple that are there cause they just keep sending friend requests back or because I just don’t have the Vagina to do it… because I still love them and sometimes wish to see these people again even though I know I probably won’t. So, there it is. My BIGGEST complaint about social media. It’s annoying and I’ll probably delete it again… and then bring it back again. Its freaking addicting! But just so you know, if you’re feeling any of these ways, so is everybody else. But since none of us are getting rid of our profiles and twitter feeds, how about we all agree to stop posting political and religious rants, A different selfie everyday, Talking about how terrible your life is, or how absolutely amazing it is…Oh, and most importantly, no more TROLLING!… Or how about you just go and watch Vagina’s videos about people on Facebook and try not to be THOSE people. And thanks for listening to our rants! I look forward to your interesting and thought provoking comments 😉 (PS I only care about interesting and thought provoking comments.)

 

Here is the video that my super bitchy Guest Blogger is in! Check it out!~ What a creeper…;)

 

Facebook Fuckery….part I

 

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I have written a lot about Facebook. I have also done a lot of Facebook parody videos. I have this love/hate thing going on with Facebook. I have said this before…it is very much like the love/hate thing I have going on with Walmart. I love being able to go to Walmart and buy a bra and not even 5 feet away be able to buy some Ben & Jerry’s chubby hubby. Then there is also that thing of the myriad of butt cracks and deodorant-less people that you have to wade through. I suppose with all things comes the good and bad right?!

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The other day my lil sis and I were chatting and she was telling me how someone came to her facebook page and left a comment saying something like ” I was stalking your page, and saw that you no longer work at the coffee shop.” I wonder…is it “stalking” if you are actually friends on facebook? If someone actually agreed to have you on their friends list, aren’t you allowed to go to their page and look at their shit? I thought that was the point of being facebook “friends.” I mean…what else is there to do when you are a facebook friend. It’s not like you can meet for lunch on facebook and chat about breadsticks. To be friends on facebook means you get to see all the shit that the person posts. That is the extent of your facebook relationship! That’s it!! No matter how annoying what they post is.

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Don’t get all pissy about what I just said. I have openly admitted to being a facebook whore. I totally am. Aren’t we all though? Have you actually stopped to think about why you are even on facebook? Why you feel the need to engage in the whole thing? I am not going to lie…political and religious posts annoy the friggin crap out of me. Everyone has a right to their own opinion, but so do I. So does every damn person that is going to comment on your post about politics or religion. Even the ones you don’t like or agree with. When does YOUR opinion become the only “real” one? Plus…if you didn’t want people to have an opinion about your post…why did you choose a social network site to post it? “SOCIAL” being the important word here! And please with the religious bible versus. Listen okay…..every damn person that lives in this country knows about the bible. EVERYONE!!! If you are posting bible versus because you think it is inspirational to someone, then explain this to me,.. because the ONLY people that you are inspiring, are the people that already believe that way. You might get 10 likes on that post….ALL of them coming from your fellow church people that already know exactly what the bible says. I guarantee….NOBODY is going to read a verse from the bible posted on facebook and think to themselves….Oh…now I want to attend church because I just read a bible verse. I already know a huge group of people are pissed off at me for saying that, but guess what….it’s MY opinion. Same as you…I have a right to it!

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Another group of seriously annoying facebook posts are the constant animal/children abuse posts. I have literally blocked certain people from my facebook feed because I couldn’t take the constant swarm of horrible awful pictures of abused animals and children. WHY are you people posting these?? This is doing NOTHING to help animal and child abuse! NOTHING!!! Posting horrific awful pictures that you can never unsee again is doing nothing more than making sure people have that horrible image in their head all day. So bascially making sure you screw up their day. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head all day? Well…it’s the same damn thing when you see a picture of someone skinning a dog while it’s alive! FRIGGIN STOP with those picture already. If you want to join in the animal/child abuse problem in the world…then activaly get yourself involved. THAT is when change occurs. Not sitting on facebook and posting a bunch of horrible pictures than going off to work and going on with your day. If you think you are actually bringing attention to the subject….you are wrong. If people do not already know about child/ animal abuse then they are either amish or have been raised by wolves. EVERYONE knows this is happening in the world. If you are passionate about it….then make it your passion to get involved on these issues. It’s like that Sarah Mclachlan commercial that EVERYONE has seen. It just makes you sad! My wish is that we lived in a world that these things didn’t happen.

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As far as the folks that get on facebook and let you know that they are deleting people off their facebook, so you better let them know right now if you want to stay. Can I just ask someone to explain this madness to me, because I don’t get it. If you want to delete people off your facebook, why feel the need to tell everyone you are doing it? I really don’t get it. It seems to me that you must be feeling sad and needing some attention, and you want folks to say “please don’t delete me.” I get it….everyone wants to feel loved. I get super butt hurt when people don’t like my shit on facebook. It’s true….I’m that person! I’m funny dammitt!!! Actually I’m not….most people just don’t understand my sense of humor. They don’t get me ya know. Anyway….I do not delete people off of facebook. If they don’t want to be on my facebook, they can delete themselves.  I am not taking time to delete people. But if I did…I certainly am not going to announce it to everyone. I have officially only deleted a person once, and I am not going to get into the reasons why. I am not going to lie, I have blocked a few from my status feed, but that is only because I really can not take the constant flow of abuse pictures that were being posted, and a few other things. Yes…I am purposely being vague. 🙂

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Anyway…..I want to finish up this insanely long blog post with…can’t we all just get along!!! Isn’t that what facebook is about? Socializing. We live in a technologically inclined time. Everything we do involves technology of some sort….except pooping. That is still done the old fashioned way.

 

Also….I have NO room to talk. I post the weirdest shit on Facebook! So here is my public apology to all the folks that have to endure my weird ass posts. Like this one…..

An open Letter to my Heated Blanket:

Heated Blanket,

 
There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need for you to know. Do you realize how much I need you. especially now, in these times of such hardships. Yesterday, the high was -2. Negative 2 degrees!!! This was the high for the day.

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You are the only one that understands me. The only that has EVER really understood me and my needs. I know I have forgotten about you. Packed you away and stuffed you in the back of the closet before when times were…”sunnier”….and there was even that time that I forgot where I put you, and searched and searched through the whole house, only to find you stuffed under a christmas bin that had been put in the room under the stairs. Even after all that….you still came back to me with your warmth.

 

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Except for that one time. I know, I know…I don’t want to bring it up either, but you need to know how much that hurt me. I was broken hearted after ” the incident.” I pre heated you because I knew it was going to be a damn cold night. I went about with my nightly activities, putting the kids to bed, having a late night snack, all the while just knowing that you were getting ready for me. I have always trusted that you would be nice and hot for me. I turned out the lights and without even checking  jumped right in and wrapped up in you, but it was cold! So so cold! Not even a hint of warmth came from you! You were just so cold! I even shivered.

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What happened? Why did you lie to me? I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way. Nothing but cold all around me! You had officially burned out. You left me heated blanket, when I needed you most….you just left. That was a sad day. A very COLD sad day.

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I knew that day would come eventually, but I thought I had more time. I just thought you had more to give. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I know you felt used. I know you think I only turned you on when I was cold…and you are probably right about that. But do you have any idea how often I get cold. Like I am freezing at 65 degrees. Which is why I always knew you were the perfect match for me.

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Your warmth has made me a better person. Trust me. I’m a bitch when I’m cold!! But the time has come. I must replace you. You no longer have the ability to heat me up the way you used to. We have so many memories but that is all they are now….memories.
There is a new heated blanket in my life. It has digital buttons, and fancy gadgets, and a new fangled pre heating system that would blow your mind. I just needed you to know heated blanket that….well…..I always Loved you…and I always will!! And please don’t think of it as you failed me….even though you did….because I will never forget our times together. You were my best Friend! Heated Blanket…I Love you! ❤

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I hope you all had the BEST Thanksgiving and ate lots of delicious food! I made a video for you. Here is sneak peek at my Thanksgiving! ~ Just for fun!!

YOU are Dead to Me…part II

If you cut me off just to get in front of me in the 10 items or less line, but you actually have 20 items… You are dead to me.

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If you knock on my door and repeatedly ring my doorbell when my kid is taking a nap… or I am taking a nap… You are dead to me.

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If you tell me “You have too much time on your hands” because I have a hobby… Dead to me.

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If you take my parking spot at the school, and you know damn well I park in the same spot every day… You are dead to me.

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If you show up at my house without calling first, then you are dead to me… Unless of course you brought wine, then you have redeemed yourself and can live…

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Outhouses are DEAD to me. Seriously, those things should be dead to everyone. There is no way to wash your hands in those nasty wasty things!! I’d rather shit on a tree stump. It would be cleaner…

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To the person that bought my 7yr. old a brand new pointy-toed mini barbie because the dog chewed off the feet… That barbie was dead to me…. and now you are…

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The driver side door on my suburban is dead to me! Absolutely DEAD!! The fucking thing won’t shut right…

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Every Lego ever made – DEAD!!!

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Every container of Play dough, kid’s Sand art, tie dye kit, beading jewelry necklace kit, crayola marker making kit, perler beads bag zebra striped 1000 count, crayola melt n mold factory, 50 assorted plastic stamp and paint set – ALL DEAD TO ME! I don’t have the time or patience for that shit! How about you buy us a birthday gift that is already made, cheap ass!

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AHH…The good old days when kids found their own fun…

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The loom rubber band kit with the 1000 band re-fill variety pack – DEAD!!! And now my vacuum is dead because it has sucked up a shit ton of tiny rubber bands…

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The make-up kit that my mom wants to buy my kid for Christmas will probably turn my white carpet into an array of rainbow colors. It’s already dead to me… and it’s not even here yet…

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If I have something in the oven, and it burns… then it is dead to me. I wanted pizza delivered anyway….

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The 10 degrees below zero weather we are having is dead to me, though it may kill me first…

freezing

 
The squat-kick burn your ass off, and kill your thighs move in Taebo is dead to me. I am certain that the road to hell is paved with Billy Blanks squat-kick moves. Thanks Satan.

 
The hand controllers on my kid’s game systems are dead to me. I am positive they are covered in poop and boogers, and no amount of clorox wipes is making me feel better about it.

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The stretch mark on my stomach that made me get excited because I thought it was an ab… only to realize it is a stretch mark is now dead to me…. That was really rude!

abs

 
When the power goes out and screws up everything, and nothing in the house works, and I can’t even flush the toilet… then the power company is dead to me… Literally… I mean the power is DEAD!!

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If you continue to let your dog shit in my yard, then you are dead to me… as is your dog… and their shit!! And I know it’s their shit because that cow pie did not come out of my chihuahua!

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The hole I have in my sock right now as I am writing this is dead to me. The fucking thing is annoying me because I’m pretty sure my big toe is supposed to be IN MY SOCK! Fuck you hole!!! um, that didn’t sound right…

hole sock

The mouse that was under my kitchen sink is now officially DEAD! But the memories still live in my mind…

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I made a video!! Just for you!! ~ 🙂   Have A BEAUTIFUL Thanksgiving everyone!~

 

YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

 
If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

 
If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”

 

 

YOU might be a mom if.….

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You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.

 

 

If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

 
If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

 
If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

 
If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

 
If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

 
If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

 
If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

 
If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

 
If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

 
If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….

 

 

YOU might be a mom if…..

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You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

 
If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

 
If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

 
If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

 
If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

 
If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

 
If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

 
If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

 
If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

 
YOU might be a mom if…..

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You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

 
If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

 
If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

 
If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

 
If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

 
If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

 
If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

 
If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

 
If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

 
YOU might be a mom if.

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If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

 
If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

 
If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

 
If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

 
If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

 
If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

 
If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

 
If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!

 

 
If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

 
If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!

 

If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…

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Just Kidding

 

Look…I made a new video… 🙂

 

 

 

 

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