Get off the couch LAZY A$$!!

As of recently, I have been on a quest to “try” to be healthier. I do that sometimes. Every so often I will go through a health kick sort of deal, and buy veggies at the store, and drink green juice, and really try to keep an actual schedule with exercise and stick to it. I’ve never really been good with structure. I’m just not built that way. My true inner guide is one that is always late to everything, loves junk food, and can watch hours upon hours of Netflix! No matter how much healthy food I eat, and how many hours of exercise I put in at the gym, I have never grown a love for that type of thing. It’s just not who I am! I have to force myself to exercise, and force myself to eat broccoli. Every time I hear people saying things like, “Once you start being healthy all the time you never crave the bad stuff! It’s a lifestyle change!”  I call Bullshit!!
 
 
 
 
Maybe that works for some folks, but not everybody. Eating right and exercising is great, but I will never love it! And that’s okay. My favorite motto ever is “You do you!” So if you LOVE eating lettuce and doing bicep curls…  you do it!!! And if you love Cheetos, and Netflix marathons rather than color rad marathons… you do it! You do you!!
 
 
 
 
Which brings me to this. Even though I am not a lover of exercise, I still try to incorporate it in my life. I have done so many different types of exercise. I have done Zumba, Taebo, Turbofire, T25, cardio kickboxing, barre fitness, abs of steel, buns of steel, worked out on an elliptical, punching bag, bike riding, you name it… I’ve done it! I have even owned my very own thigh master, and I used the shit out of that thing!  It never actually gave me thighs of steel though.  I may have been using it wrong. I would plop down in front of the t.v and watch Beverly Hills 90210 back when Dylan (the hottie bad boy) and Brenda (the narcissistic crazy girl) were dating. The problem was I would end up eating a bag of chips while I was squeezing my thighs. I figured one was canceling out the other! (let me live with my lie okay!)
 
 
 
 
As of recently, the new exercise gig I am trying out is jogging. If you follow My Facebook Page, I have talked about this before. On my very first jog ever, I lost my lungs. When I started, they were attached, and five minutes in… my lungs detached from the designated place they are supposed to be, and dropped somewhere into my liver or pancreas. I’m still not sure! I have not been able to retrieve them as of yet! Still working on that! Anyway… In my quest to start a jogging regime, I have come across a few things along my journey that I can’t figure out. I thought I would share them with you.
 
 
 
1) Why is there always a shoe in the ditch? It’s always ONE shoe just laying on the side of the road, or in the ditch. Now first of all, I am going to obviously assume that the person wearing that shoe was snatched up, and is now being held captive in some gross basement somewhere being forced to eat cow brains while being brainwashed about how aliens will be coming back to take the Earth from us all! But also… if you are jogging, and somehow one of your shoes falls off Cinderella style, how are you not feeling this? How is a person just walking around without one shoe and doesn’t even notice. Do they get home, and their partner says “Hey Bob… what happened to your shoe?” and bob says “Oh wow… I had no idea it was gone!! I was so involved in my awesome run, that I didn’t even notice all the gravel and glass shards I was running over!.” I don’t get it! 
 
 
 
2) Twice I have come across underwear balled up on the side of the road covered in doodie! WHAT IS UP PEOPLE??!! Who is doodieing themselves and just throwing the unders out the window? I have actually crossed the road because I don’t even want to jog next to balled up doodie underwear! If you would have just stopped and pulled down your underwear, squatted and doodied like a normal person, there would be no need to take off your underwear and throw it on the side of the road!
 
 
 
3) The dead animal carcasses. I realize nature is nature and there is nothing we can do about that! But when you are running along, you have your headphones on and are lost in a song, and then the smell hits your nostrils like a wrecking ball (see what I did there) and it gets closer and closer until you realized it’s a smooshed up skunk that birds have been munching on all day! Who knows how long it’s been cooking in the sun. And now you have to run by that awful thing! Without a gas mask!! ugh…
 
 
 
 
4) The staring folk! Now I know what you are going to say. Ignore all the people that stare, who really cares what they think! I agree with that. But sometimes it gets kind of annoying. Here you are trying to get your jog on and not doing a very good job of it, and car after car is racing by you. And then you have the car filled with 10 teenagers, and you know they shouldn’t even be all fitting in that car, and yet there they are. They go as slow as possible by you and they are all staring out the window and making faces because they think they are so friggin hilarious.  “Yes teenagers… that is my ass bouncing all over the place… what of it??? Mark my words! You will be me one day!”
 
 
 
 
5) Along with the staring judgmental people, comes the staring judgemental animals! If you happen to live in the city, you will probably get some crazy dogs freaking out as you have to jog by their fence. You also have to deal with those nasty tree squirrels that are sitting in the tree just waiting to pounce on you as you jog by. I live in the country and so I get to jog by all the judgemental cows and bison! Yep… you read that right!! The judgemental cows!! I can’t tell you how many times I have had to jog past judgemental cows. The worst part is, they are the ones that smell like ass… and yet they are judging ME??!! 
 
 
 
 
6) And let’s not forget the bug buffet that you end up having after a nice jog! If you start to sweat, you get the added bonus of those nasty little fuckers sticking to you. The most annoying of all are those little gnat things that continue to fly right around your face holes. Their favorite place to be is in your eyeballs, up your nose, and in your mouth!!! WHY???? You try to run faster thinking you can outrun those assholes, but you can’t!! NO matter how fast you go, that swarm of gnats is right there with you!! It’s like they have become part of your aura now!!  You also have the random cricket that you see up ahead. You try to avoid it, and instead of jumping away from you, that fucker jumps RIGHT AT YOU!!!! Which of course causes you to do the embarrassing “Is there a bug on me?” dance in public… Awesome…
This is how I usually look after a nice jog!
 
 
 
 
Honestly, I am not against Marathons!  I Just prefer the kind that inolve popcorn and Netflix!
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YOU are Dead to Me… AGAIN..

Have you ever been standing in line somewhere, and you have been waiting already for a damn long time, and out of nowhere the person in front of you notices a friend of theirs that they haven’t seen in a while. The friend comes over and they start gabbing and laughing and going on and on, and you are standing there just wanting this line to move up so you can get on with your life. The line starts moving but because these two are talking about old times, they do not notice  the moving line and keep laughing and jabbering on. There is a big space between the person in front of you and the person in front of them. Now mind you, you have been waiting for what feels like three years at this point! Now these two people are sitting here, having a reunion and NOT moving up!! You momentarily think about just jumping right in front of them to keep the line moving. You then try all the usual techniques of trying to get a point across to someone without actually saying anything. Like staring really hard at the open spot. Looking at them, and then at the spot, and then at them again, and then the spot!! You think “Maybe if I make some noises, they will realize that I’m here waiting.” So, you proceed to make a series of coughs and sighs and clearing throat noises, maybe some moose calls or some mating geese noises, just to make sure they hear you. Finally they very slowly start to move up. At this point you already know all about how this lady has a two year old and got fired from her job, and her asshole husband never helps around the house.  You finally make it almost to the destination of the customer service window that you have been waiting for… and this bitch in front of you asks if her friend can jump in line since she is already there!!!! WHAT??!!!  Those people…. they are DEAD TO ME!!! 
 
 
 
A while back I wrote a post RIGHT HERE about all the people and things that are dead to me! This is how I deal with the bullshit that drives me insane! I just kill it with my mind. It works too!!  Anything that is absolutely making you crazy… kill it!! I mean, don’t really kill it! But kill it, bury it in your backyard, and be done with it! My backyard at this point is nothing more than a big ass grave full of dead shit. For instance…
 
 
 
Walking into a public restroom, and there is a group of girls in there. One of them is clearly upset about something and the others are consoling her. As I walk in, they look at ME like I’m the asshole for intruding! Well, excuse me that I have to pee!! I’m so sorry to barge in on your love fest, but my bladder is going to explode and this does happen to be the place that is designated for leaving your piss. I could piss in the hallway… but I don’t want to. So you know what….. you’re all DEAD TO ME!!!  And now that you are all dead to me, … I can pee in peace! 
 
 
 
Anyone who starts a sentence with “I’m not trying to be mean BUT”, or “Oh my gosh, you got a haircut?? but it was SO PRETTY before”, …or “When did you start wearing purple. I am just not used to seeing you wear colorful clothing. It’s weird”… or “You have really gotten gray since the last time I saw you…are you not using Clairol anymore?”. DEAD TO ME!!!
 
 
 
Whoever it is that keeps taking showers in the bathrooms at Walmart, and leaving the sinks so damn wet that no matter how hard you try to keep from getting your shirt wet, you still end up looking like you just walked out of a wet t-shirt contest…. you are DEAD TO ME!!
 
 
 
The following types of toilet paper:  Thin, public school toilet paper, because it basically means I’ll be wiping with my bare hand. Toilet paper that shreds as you wipe, because you are suppose to be cleaning my ass, not decorating it with bits of TP confetti. Toilet paper that breaks off every square as you try to get it off the roll because it means that you are in the bathroom ten years too long, causing your friend to look at you funny when you finally return to them.   Toilet paper, you are DEAD TO ME!! I will continue to use you, because I have to, …but you are still DEAD TO ME!! And seriously toilet paper, you have ONE job… Can you please just do your damn job!! Dead to me…
 
 
 
 
My television remote is Dead to me!! It’s actually been dead for a while now, and I keep forgetting to buy the right kind of batteries at the store. Dammit..
 
 
 
I have a dishwasher. Does it wash the dishes??.. Not really! The silverware always ends up coming out with crap stuck to it, and the glasses are all spotted up with water spots. And if anyone eats nachos or oatmeal, ..that shit is stuck on the dishes for DAYS!! So I will generally scrub the dishes before I even put them in the dishwasher….which makes no sense because it’s a DISH WASHER!! Anyway…., have you ever been standing there scrubbing the grime off of your dishes, and then you accidentally drop your rag or scrubber in the awful, disgusting, water that has food floating in it, and who knows what else, and then the water splashes up and gets you in the mouth, on the face, and down your shirt?!  All of it…the water, ..the scrubber and most definitely the dishwasher,…. DEAD TO ME!!! In my backyard….DEAD!!
 
 
 
98.2 % of all Customer Service Reps are dead to me!! Now don’t get your panties in a bunch okay. The other day I posted on Facebook about how customer service reps are assholes, and I wondered if it is an actual job requirement. I had someone cuss me out hardcore over that. So I’m guessing they were a customer service rep! Anyway, …in my vast expereince of dealing with customer service reps….I have found that 98.2 % are mother fucking jerk face assholes! It’s the truth, so don’t get mad at me for pointing it out. And if you don’t like it because you are a customer service rep, ..then don’t be a mother fucking jerk face asshole, and nobody will think that about you! I too am an asshole, …but more of the sensitive kind. I’m a sensitive asshole! Shut up…they exist!! Anyway….I have killed off about 98.2% of customer service reps and buried them in my backyard!! DEAD TO ME!!! 
 
 
 
This toy that Buster is trying to kill me with is DEAD TO ME!! And really truly in a grave!! That fucker is in the bottom of the trash bin at this very moment! shh…don’t tell the kids! (Look at Buster just sitting there waiting for me to step on that awful torture toy!! I know what you are up to Buster… I am on to you)
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So there you have it! A revised version of You Are Dead To Me! I have never watched the show How to get away with Murder, but I have no doubt Viola Davis is amazing in it. And she is probably way more classy, and a much better consultant on murder than I ever could be, but if you are in a pinch, …and really need to “take care of something or someone”.. then you are welcome to use my technique, and kill off whatever or whoever you need to. But please use your own backyard to bury them because mine is getting really filled up! I do still have room for any Internet trolls that are going to say some rude shit. So if you plan on coming on here and saying something rude, ..just know that you are Dead To Me, ..and buried in my backyard fertilizing the flowers!
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If you don’t eat your meat, You can’t have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat!

Yes….the title of this post is a lyric in the song Pink Floyd’s The Wall!! “We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control, No dark sarcasm in the classroom, Teachers leave them kids alone! Hey! teachers! leave them kids alone! All in all you’re just another brick in the wall! All in all you’re just another brick in the wall!”

This post has absolutely nothing to do with Pink Floyd or this song. It just worked really well for my title!

Having been through primary school, junior high school, high school, and most of college, I believe I am a professional in the way of public school. I’ve been, I’ve succeeded, and I have no desire to ever return. The main reason for this, among other reasons, is that at my age, looking back, I realize that the rules enforced in public schools are BULLSHIT. I have some examples for you. So, without further adieu, here are the school rules.

– No running in the halls! BUT you can’t be late to class, or you will get a tardy. Seriously, three to five minutes should be enough for you to get all the books you need, get a drink of water, and go to the bathroom without being late. But no running.

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– You are not allowed to wear hats in school. It’s rude. Also, no tank tops or short skirts, because it’s revealing and rude. BUT cheer-leading uniforms are completely alright. Sure, they may have midriffs showing or, in some cases, butt cheeks, but they are okay. It’s to build team spirit. But hats are fucking rude, don’t wear them.

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~

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– You can’t do your homework during detention. No, you must do nothing. Isn’t that horrible? Doing nothing? I’m sorry, isn’t “doing nothing” a favorite pass time for teenagers? It’s, like, their second favorite activity, just behind doing stupid shit. Or you could force them to do their homework, and that would be forcing them to learn, to get their homework done, and to do something they hate. Punishment accomplished.

– Playground rules are the best. No climbing up the slide. No standing on the teeter totter. And only swing back and forth. These rules are placed because these activities are dangerous. BUT these are totally deemed safe.

Nothing to worry about here…

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What could possibly go wrong with this scenario~

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– No throwing snow balls at recess! What do you think this is? A playground? If you want to have fun in the snow, just have fun standing in it. That should be fun enough for you. Just stand there.

– Stand in line perfectly. If all of you fail at standing in line perfectly and silently, we will practice it for however long it takes. Practicing standing in line for ten minutes straight? Time well spent. It’s not like they could be doing something more important, like math or science.

– Teachers are only hired if they have a certain amount of schooling and qualifications. BUT anybody is qualified to be a lunch lady or bus driver. Is there a school out there that actually does any background checks on these people? Do they even go to a job interview? Because from my experience, anybody is allowed to cook your child’s food. And who cares if the guy is a drunk? I’m sure he can drive a bus load of children. Psh. They’ll be fine.

– Homework is stupid. Sorry, child, I know you have spent 8 hours doing shit you hate, but it’s not enough. Teachers will send home more work, so that you have to do more shit you hate. The fun part is that it’s not only you that suffers, but also your parents.

Story Time with Me

This is a personal experience of mine. Imagine it. It’s cold outside. Not snowing, but chilly. I’m in the 6th grade. Begin scene.

Teacher: Where is your coat?

Me: I didn’t bring one.

Teacher: You need a coat.

Me: I’m fine.

Teacher: It’s cold outside.

Me: Honestly, I’m good. I’m not cold.

Teacher: You have to wear a coat.

Me: I don’t need a coat because I’m not cold.

Teacher: You have to. Go to the lost and found and find a coat to wear.

At this point, what I wanted to say was, “Ew! So I’m not allowed to be cold, but I am allowed to wear something that could have a number of diseases (like LICE) in it that somebody obviously didn’t want anymore, otherwise they would have rescued it from the lost and found. If it was too dirty to keep, I don’t want it on my body.” But, I was in the 6th grade and liked being a good student. So, I went to the lost and found. The choices were sparse, but I found a lovely sweater with a skull on it that smelled funny. Yeah. You’re right, Teacher. This is better than being mildly cold. Thank you for your concern.

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So, I guess the point is that even though getting an education is great, public school needs to really think through their outdated rules. Catch up with the rest of the modern world, school!

*Side Note – I love Teachers and think they have the hardest job in the world!! I also believe that most teachers deserve lots of Vodka from all of the parents of the kids that they have to deal with on a regular basis!! ~ So send them some Vodka…they would probably appreciate it. :)

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Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done!~

If you follow my Facebook page, you may remember a story I told a while back about picking up my nine year old from school one day!! 
 
 
This happened:
 
 
As I was picking up the nine year old from school today, he started to walk towards the car, ..and there was another kid walking next to him. Out of nowhere, they both drop their backpacks and take off running toward the buses! Then my son comes back, picks up his back pack, ..and walks over to the car.
 
 
Me – “What was that all about?”
 
 
 
The 9 year old – “Oh that was some random kid that wanted to race to the buses!”
 
 
 
Me – “So you didn’t even know him?”
 
 
 
The 9 year old – “No! but he said…hey want to race to the buses and I was like…sure.”
 
 
 
All I keep thinking about is, what if grown ups did things like that?!..
 
 
 
I’m walking through Walmart in the frozen section and a random lady is standing there picking out a frozen lasagna. She looks at me and I look at her…
 
 
 
Random lady in the freezer section – “Hey…wanna race to the chip aisle?”
 
 
 
Me – “Hell to the Ya I do!!! Let’s do this!”..
 
 
.
So we both take off racing to the chip aisle. I win of course because I’m awesome!
 
 
 
Random lady – “awww man!! I was so close!” …then she walks off…
 
 
 
Who do I have to get a hold of to make this a thing??… because I am in!!
 
 
 
This got me thinking about how being an adult is so stupid sometimes! It’s like, somewhere along the way we lose our sense of whimsical thought, and we become much more hardened about the world.  I don’t know when it happens, but it is sad that it happens. 
 
 
 
There were so many things I was expecting adulthood to be like that never actually happened.  Things like this:
 
 
 
1) I was certain I was going to end up one day dealing with volcano Lava. I was extremely prepared for it too.  I used to jump from couch to couch and knew exactly how to get past volcano Lava without getting touched by it at all!   I would say…I was Pro level!!
 
 
 
 
2) Another thing I have yet to have been faced with is quicksand! In the 41 years I have been on this Earth, I have never even seen quicksand!  I am probably over prepared for quicksand though. I had even drawn out an escape plan and had it folded up and carried it around with me for the majority of ’82. 
 
 
 
 
3) I will admit to actually believing that the crust of the bread is the healthiest part! I blame my Mom for this!! When I actually started eating it, ..I really thought I had achieved something great. Now I am a “healthy” eater. Just call me “health nut” because I ate the crust of the bread!! Thanks mom…for that LIE!!!!
 
 
 
 
4) I can’t tell you how many times I was going to “run away” as a kid! I had picked the perfect stick, and kept a red bandanna at all times just in case. I had planned on putting a slice of bread, and my strawberry shortcake doll in the bandanna and tying it to the end of the stick. I did actually make it as far as two houses down once, but I got hungry and ate the bread and was still hungry so I went home for dinner…(FYI – they didn’t even know I left)..
 
 
 
 
5) I also have not experienced being able to walk off a cliff and actually be stuck there for five seconds until you start to fall. I used to always tell myself that if I ever walk off a cliff and am stuck in mid air for five seconds, like every looney toon ever ..instead of looking down, I would use that time wisely and just…you know….walk back to the edge….. problem solved!!!!
 
 
 
 
6) Another thing I was sure was going to happen was that I would most likely get attacked by a shark while I was taking a bath or swimming in a pool! Especially the deep end! I can assure you that I have taken many baths, and swam in many pools and haven’t been attacked yet by a shark! I suppose it could still happen though…
 
 
 
 
7) I was also waiting for the day that my brothers face would get stuck like this!!!
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That actually ended up happening…. 
 
 
 
 
If you are reading this… Just kidding bro…. (not really though)… ;) 
 
 
 
 
 
Not much of what I actually thought being an adult would be like has come true! But I can tell you that I have figured out what most of being an adult really is…
 
 
 
 
It’s taxes!! Being an adult is mostly paying taxes! …  
 
 
 
 
 
That’s all folks!!~
 
 
 

Sex with a Sandwich… It can happen…

Ever go out to lunch with a friend?? It can be fun. And even educational at times. The other day, my very good friend and I went out to lunch and the conversation that we had was way too good not to share with you. So of course I decided to write a blog post about it. So it would be just like you were there with us. Plus it was too long to be a Facebook post so…. 
 
 
 
Disclaimer: This particular friend of mine is CRAZY!!! But we have a ton of fun together and I love her to pieces!!
 
 
 
We get seated at a booth and order some drinks right away. Everything is going along fine and we decide on an appetizer of artichoke dip and chips.
 
 
They bring it to the table and we start digging in.  It was all very good and we were discussing this and that about this and that…you know…
 
 
We then order our food and she ordered a turkey sandwich that had avocado on it. I ordered a teriyaki chicken salad. All seems very normal right??
The food comes to the table, and I would like to share with you the conversation that took place.
 
 
It started with a few moans here and there. Nothing really loud like Meg Ryan eating a sandwich in When Harry met Sally, …but I could definitely tell my friend was enjoying her sandwich.
 
 
 
Me to my friend – “Is it good? You seem to be really enjoying that sandwich.”
 
 
Friend: “OHHH YEAHHH…..It’s this avocado. It’s so subtle, .. yet so tasty. “
 
 
At this time she is not just eating it but staring at it longingly. Lovingly… adoringly. She started to rock side to side a little.
 
 
Me to friend – “Um, .. is that your food dance?? It looks like you are doing a food dance?”
 
 
Friend – “I can’t help it! This avocado is just so subtle…” her voice trails off into a whisper… “so subtle.”
 
 
Me – “It almost sounds like you are saying supple…. you’re creeping me out a little.”
 
 
Friend –  “No,… the avocado is subtle… it’s the tomato that is supple!” as she holds the sandwich in her hands with a tight yet almost delicate grip.
 
 
Friend – “MMMMMMMMMMM……mmmmm…MMMMMMM SOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOooooooood!!!!   and this bread,….it’s so…..soft, …and squishy……MMMMMmmmmmm”
 
 
 
Me – blink, blink, blink….
 
 
 
Friend – “mmmmmmmmm…. you just don’t understand how good this is right now.”
 
 
 
So… all I can say is that I do believe I just witnessed my friend have sex with a sandwich. Like her and the turkey with avocado GOT IT ON!! 
 
 
I get it… I really do. I love food. And food never betrays you quite like people do. Well, …that’s not entirely true. She did call me later that night and tell me she thinks the sandwich made her sick. She pretty much ended up with the “Turbo Fire’s”…if you know what I mean!! The poops….she got the poops!!
 
 
 
So the moral of the story is…..You can love your turkey and avocado sandwich….Just don’t LOOOVE your turkey and avocado sandwich…. 
Best scene in a movie ever!~ 

BDSM Hardcore Edition!~

If you haven’t heard about the book Fifty Shades of Grey by now, you may possibly be living under a rock! A few years ago, these fan fiction books became wildly popular. If you hadn’t read them yourself, you knew someone that had. Even Costco had a huge display for all the Fifty Shades of Grey books. Adorned with pictures of ties, and handcuffs. I myself have read all of the books. I was told by a friend about them and I also had read all of the Twilight books so I figured I would give them a try. The Fifty Shades of Grey series was fan fiction based off of the Twilight series.
There has been so much controversy about this book. Starting with the BDSM community. Many of the folks that actually live this lifestyle were very upset at the portrayal of BDSM. There are also many people that have felt these books portray abusive relationships. 
 
 
 
 
 
I thought the books were okay. Obviously I wasn’t expecting to read this fan fiction series and get fine literature from it. If you are interested in my actual opinion about the whole thing I wrote THIS HERE a while back about it. Click on the link and check it out! And then come back here because I will miss you if you don’t come back! …COME BACK!!
 
 
 
 
 
But with all the popularity of these books, .they have now started making the movies. I have not seen the movie yet.  I have read many reviews about it, and I know lots of folks that have seen it. I am sure I will see it eventually. Maybe if it ever comes out on Netflix me and the husband could have a movie night. The thing is I would need to take the kids to grandma’s for the night. I can hear it now…
 
 
Kid – “Mom..what were you and dad watching last night? It sounded weird!! What was all that slapping and moaning and weird sounds?? It scared me and I had bad dreams!!”…
 
 
Me – Blink,Blink, Blink….
 
 
 
 
 
I personally have never lived a BDSM lifestyle, …but I have some ideas to spice up the BDSM world!! Trust me on this….these are fool proof.
 
 
 
 
Let’s go BDSM…HARDCORE!!!~
 
 
 
 
1) Stepping on legos! – I mean….come on, ..everyone knows that one of the most painful things EVER is stepping on a lego. Especially when you stumble out of bed in the middle of the night and the room is dark, you are not expecting it…and all of sudden you step on something that feels like a nail just went through your skin! Not only are you officially awake now,..you are in seething pain and have a dent that is in the shape of a lego on the bottom of your foot!
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2) Have you ever been eating something delicious, ..and then for some strange reason you bite the inside of your cheek or tongue and it hurts like hell? And then….for the next two weeks straight no matter what you are eating, ..you ALWAYS bite that same spot over and over and over and over!!! Even if you try and eat on the other side of your mouth, …you end up biting that same spot! Talk about torture!! I hope you are taking notes on this Mr. Grey!
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3) This one may be one of the worst things ever! Stubbing your toe on a corner edge of a wooden table. Just writing that makes me cringe. Especially if you stub it directly on the end of your toe. OUCH!! That is something you will be feeling for hours after. If you stub it hard enough, you might even be limping around for a bit!
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4) Hiccups!! Not so much painful as more annoying than anything! I have a weird thing where I become almost violently angry when I have the hiccups. I HATE them!! And if holding my breath or drinking water doesn’t stop them, …I just get angrier and angrier. I have even thought to myself if these fuckers don’t stop I am going to choke myself until I pass out and hopefully when I come to, I won’t have the hiccups anymore. I’m just saying….I could actually see someone committing murder because they couldn’t get rid of their hiccups!
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5) Isn’t it cute when your 8 year old goes into your closet and starts trying on all of your high heels? Then she starts strutting around the house in them looking adorable. Then she walks past you and crunches every damn toe you have with the pointy heel. And as you are screaming “OUCH…you are standing on my foot”, …she looks up at you smiling while the pointy heel is digging farther and farther in. So you say “You have to move you are standing on my foot!”…and  as she starts to move, she puts all her weight on the shoe that is digging into your flesh, and then finally moves.  Now you have a hole in the form of the heel from  your stiletto shoes embedded into the top of your foot!
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6) Have you ever been walking into a room with a big pile of laundry in your hands and then the sleeve of your shirt gets caught on the door and jacks you so far back that you were basically clothes lined by the door. No pun intended!! This may just be a short person’s problem, but it SUCKS ASS!!! I get clothes lined by my door knobs on a regular basis, …and I always end up with bruises! Did you get that Mr. Grey?? Lots of bruises!!
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7) Picture this – You had a rough night of sleep. Your kids were up most of the night due to one having a headache and the other having night mares. You finally get them to sleep and it is 5:00 am. You don’t officially fall asleep until 6:30 am, and the alarm goes off at 7:00 am. You open your eyes but contemplate that death might not be so bad right now because you would at least get a few hours of sleep. So you force yourself out of bed, …stumble into the kitchen, open up the cupboard looking for some coffee, ..and NOTHING!! You forgot that there is no coffee. You have NO coffee!! THAT is torture! I mean….pure pain and torture my friends. 
 
 
This is a video I made about that very thing! Waking up to NO coffee = TORTURE!~
 
 
So there you have it!! BDSM Hardcore Edition. If you are looking into actually starting up the BDSM lifestyle, then you probably don’t want to take my advice. This here is the worst advice ever. 

Yes, I am Bat Shit Crazy… but aren’t we all a little crazy?..

There is a lot of things I don’t understand. I mean, I like to consider myself as a somewhat smart individual, and I am an avid user of common sense where it applies, but when I stop and actually take time to think about some of the weird things I do… it makes no sense to me at all. Some of the things I do on a regular basis that I don’t even think twice about. I just do them. No thought involved at all. I can’t figure out why I do this.  Maybe it’s falling into being in auto pilot mode with my brain. Most of the time I feel like my brain isn’t working to the full capacity that it is probably capable of working at. It seems after each child I pushed out of my Vagina, I lost a little bit more of my brain. And yet somehow, I still manage to function. Barely…. but I’m still making it!
 
 
 
When I do actually take the time to think about things, it freaks me out a little bit. Like why do I do half the crap that I do?
 
 
 
Have you ever been driving along and all of a sudden you snap back into reality. You have NO idea where you were for the last ten minutes. You are still driving and actually have made the right turns and you are heading in the right direction, but you were literally gone in your brain for ten minutes. That happens to me all the time. I wish I could say I went on a little mind excursion to a sunny fancy place and had margaritas, but the truth is, when I snap back to reality I have no idea where my brain was. It’s like an instant memory loss. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and they probed me and did horrible tests on me, and put a fake version of me in the driver seat of my car so no one would even think anything of it. They would just see a regular lady driving along singing the wrong lyrics to a song on the radio. Then when they are done probing me and doing all the things to me, they snap me back into my brain and do that flashy thingy from Men In Black so I forget all the things!! I bet that’s it!!
 
 
 
 
Anyway…  Here is some things I do not understand at all!!
 
 
 
 
1) Why do I always use the front burner on the right side of my stove? No matter what I am cooking, I automatically go to the right front burner. All the other burners on my stove are almost in perfect condition because I barely use them.  And if I have to end up using one of the other burners, I don’t like it all. It feels wrong to me. 
 
 
 
2) Why do I drive around in a circle five million times waiting for the closest parking spot when I am at Costco? Honestly I can’t figure out why I do this because I am perfectly fine with parking farther out when I go to Target. But Costco…. it’s like everyone is fighting for that front spot! Five cars are lined up waiting for the lady that is taking ten years to put her gigantor size box of corn dogs in her car because everyone wants her prime spot!!
 
 
 
3) This is one that I have heard many people talk about doing, but once you realize you do it…. it’s like why the hell do I do that??!! When looking for a street sign I always turn down the music in the car, or scream at the kids to be quiet!!! I’m like… “Everyone shut it…I can’t find 333  blueball avenue with all that noise you are making!”…  It doesn’t even make sense….. Like maybe if I listen really hard, I’ll hear the address approaching… and yet, ….I still do it!
 
 
 
4) So many times I am in a situation where I had the grande coffee that day, and all at once it decides to make it’s way right through me. I have to pee like a madwoman, and I start heading for the toilet. But the closer I get to the toilet, the more I can’t seem to hold the pee. WHY??? It’s like my bladder senses the closer I get to the toilet and is like…”Fuck you lady… I’m letting it go!” Well… fuck you bladder… this is not Frozen, and I am not Elsa!!!! Here I am trying to get my pants and unders down and start pissing all over myself!
 
 
 
5) I will literally vacuum over a piece of string on my carpet 20 times and still not bend down to pick it up. Instead I will sit there thinking about how my vacuum is a piece of crap and probably broken and now I need a new one. So I will go over to my computer and start looking at vacuum cleaners online and the best ones around, and open up three different tabs on my computer looking at reviews of vacuum cleaners. I will walk to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich because I’m hungry, and sit down with my sandwich at the computer while I am still looking at vacuum cleaners …and then figure I should check my Facebook…you know, since I am already on the computer anyway. So I head over to Facebook and sit there for three more hours “checking” Facebook. Finally close the computer… walk over to put the vacuum away, look down at the string that is still on the carpet… and step over it to put the vacuum away.  Ridiculous!!! P.S. That string has been there so long, it’s basically a historical point now.
 
 
 
6) In keeping with the theme of the vacuum, ..another thing I do when I am vacuuming is if I happen to be vacuuming next to a closed door, ..I will get as close to the door as I can hitting it over and over with the vacuum trying to get every bit of carpet right up to the door. I could just open the door, and it would make things a lot easier…but nope….I guess that would require putting in more work so instead I’ll just keep slamming the door with the vacuum hoping it gets as close as possible.
 
 
 
 
7) Why is it that 72 degrees in my house during the winter feels FREEZING… but 72 degrees in my house during the summer feels like a sauna? I don’t get it! In the Winter, I turn up the heat to 75 degrees and I’m still chilled. Summer time… I keep the house at a cool 69 degrees at all times!  Don’t even think of messing with my temperature!!!!
 
 
 
 
 
8) Another thing that has crossed my mind that I can’t seem to figure out is why do they call football…”football?”.. Nobody is using their feet in football. Only in America, we call it football. But I think it should be called armball, or catch ball! I know that they do a kick and they use their feet to run…. but really if you think about it…. It would be more realistic to call it Catch the ball and run game instead of a football game. Or Play For Two Seconds Then Stop for Ten Minutes and Talk About It game. They call it basket ball because you put the ball in the basket, and they call it baseball because you try and make it to all the bases…. so I think we should change that. Even dodge ball is more correct. You dodge the ball as some asshole is trying to pummel you with it.  (to all you U.K’ers….I’m not talking about you. You guys seem to have the right idea about Football! :)
 
So there you have it. All the reasons I am completely and totally crazy! …Don’t judge…you know you are crazy too. 
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