Yes, I am Bat Shit Crazy… but aren’t we all a little crazy?..

There is a lot of things I don’t understand. I mean, I like to consider myself as a somewhat smart individual, and I am an avid user of common sense where it applies, but when I stop and actually take time to think about some of the weird things I do… it makes no sense to me at all. Some of the things I do on a regular basis that I don’t even think twice about. I just do them. No thought involved at all. I can’t figure out why I do this.  Maybe it’s falling into being in auto pilot mode with my brain. Most of the time I feel like my brain isn’t working to the full capacity that it is probably capable of working at. It seems after each child I pushed out of my Vagina, I lost a little bit more of my brain. And yet somehow, I still manage to function. Barely…. but I’m still making it!
When I do actually take the time to think about things, it freaks me out a little bit. Like why do I do half the crap that I do?
Have you ever been driving along and all of a sudden you snap back into reality. You have NO idea where you were for the last ten minutes. You are still driving and actually have made the right turns and you are heading in the right direction, but you were literally gone in your brain for ten minutes. That happens to me all the time. I wish I could say I went on a little mind excursion to a sunny fancy place and had margaritas, but the truth is, when I snap back to reality I have no idea where my brain was. It’s like an instant memory loss. Maybe I was abducted by aliens and they probed me and did horrible tests on me, and put a fake version of me in the driver seat of my car so no one would even think anything of it. They would just see a regular lady driving along singing the wrong lyrics to a song on the radio. Then when they are done probing me and doing all the things to me, they snap me back into my brain and do that flashy thingy from Men In Black so I forget all the things!! I bet that’s it!!
Anyway…  Here is some things I do not understand at all!!
1) Why do I always use the front burner on the right side of my stove? No matter what I am cooking, I automatically go to the right front burner. All the other burners on my stove are almost in perfect condition because I barely use them.  And if I have to end up using one of the other burners, I don’t like it all. It feels wrong to me. 
2) Why do I drive around in a circle five million times waiting for the closest parking spot when I am at Costco? Honestly I can’t figure out why I do this because I am perfectly fine with parking farther out when I go to Target. But Costco…. it’s like everyone is fighting for that front spot! Five cars are lined up waiting for the lady that is taking ten years to put her gigantor size box of corn dogs in her car because everyone wants her prime spot!!
3) This is one that I have heard many people talk about doing, but once you realize you do it…. it’s like why the hell do I do that??!! When looking for a street sign I always turn down the music in the car, or scream at the kids to be quiet!!! I’m like… “Everyone shut it…I can’t find 333  blueball avenue with all that noise you are making!”…  It doesn’t even make sense….. Like maybe if I listen really hard, I’ll hear the address approaching… and yet, ….I still do it!
4) So many times I am in a situation where I had the grande coffee that day, and all at once it decides to make it’s way right through me. I have to pee like a madwoman, and I start heading for the toilet. But the closer I get to the toilet, the more I can’t seem to hold the pee. WHY??? It’s like my bladder senses the closer I get to the toilet and is like…”Fuck you lady… I’m letting it go!” Well… fuck you bladder… this is not Frozen, and I am not Elsa!!!! Here I am trying to get my pants and unders down and start pissing all over myself!
5) I will literally vacuum over a piece of string on my carpet 20 times and still not bend down to pick it up. Instead I will sit there thinking about how my vacuum is a piece of crap and probably broken and now I need a new one. So I will go over to my computer and start looking at vacuum cleaners online and the best ones around, and open up three different tabs on my computer looking at reviews of vacuum cleaners. I will walk to the kitchen and make myself a sandwich because I’m hungry, and sit down with my sandwich at the computer while I am still looking at vacuum cleaners …and then figure I should check my Facebook…you know, since I am already on the computer anyway. So I head over to Facebook and sit there for three more hours “checking” Facebook. Finally close the computer… walk over to put the vacuum away, look down at the string that is still on the carpet… and step over it to put the vacuum away.  Ridiculous!!! P.S. That string has been there so long, it’s basically a historical point now.
6) In keeping with the theme of the vacuum, ..another thing I do when I am vacuuming is if I happen to be vacuuming next to a closed door, ..I will get as close to the door as I can hitting it over and over with the vacuum trying to get every bit of carpet right up to the door. I could just open the door, and it would make things a lot easier…but nope….I guess that would require putting in more work so instead I’ll just keep slamming the door with the vacuum hoping it gets as close as possible.
7) Why is it that 72 degrees in my house during the winter feels FREEZING… but 72 degrees in my house during the summer feels like a sauna? I don’t get it! In the Winter, I turn up the heat to 75 degrees and I’m still chilled. Summer time… I keep the house at a cool 69 degrees at all times!  Don’t even think of messing with my temperature!!!!
8) Another thing that has crossed my mind that I can’t seem to figure out is why do they call football…”football?”.. Nobody is using their feet in football. Only in America, we call it football. But I think it should be called armball, or catch ball! I know that they do a kick and they use their feet to run…. but really if you think about it…. It would be more realistic to call it Catch the ball and run game instead of a football game. Or Play For Two Seconds Then Stop for Ten Minutes and Talk About It game. They call it basket ball because you put the ball in the basket, and they call it baseball because you try and make it to all the bases…. so I think we should change that. Even dodge ball is more correct. You dodge the ball as some asshole is trying to pummel you with it.  (to all you U.K’ers….I’m not talking about you. You guys seem to have the right idea about Football! :)
So there you have it. All the reasons I am completely and totally crazy! …Don’t judge…you know you are crazy too. 

The Secret to Health and Beauty is…

Let’s talk about health! Every where we turn people are always spewing this and that about what is healthy and what isn’t. It has actually become a trend to use the word health to judge other people.  My favorite is when completely uneducated fools that found some article on the internet (much like this one I am writing)  use it as a way to spew some ignorant foolish thing that is in no way backed by facts,  it is all just opinions. (This here is my opinion, you can take it or leave it! Your choice)
So many people like to think they know the facts about what health really is. The truth is…. the “facts” about health have changed over the years and even over centuries. It changes all the time. Where the problem comes in is that someone will read some article about gluten or dairy, and now they think they are a friggin expert about health.  What these people seem to forget is that everyone is different. Just because something worked for you… DOES NOT mean it is the answer for everyone! 
As of recently… there is this gorgeous model who was signed to a contract. Tess Munster! She is beautiful. The fact that she wears a size 22 and was signed on to a contract as a model has become controversy!!  I mean….This is controversy?? Because of the size of clothes she wears? What the hell am I missing?
I recently read an article about her, .and the top comment said something like this -“Well, how can someone of her size promote health?” This question baffles me. Mostly because not one single fucking person on this planet can tell the health of another person just by looking at them. If you think you know how healthy someone is by merely looking at them, you may be a bigger fool than you even realize. And since when is the modeling industry even worried about being healthy? Do people actually look at runway models, with bones poking out every which way, and think that they are healthy? How many models pass out from malnutrition and exhaustion each year? Whether it’s a size 2 or 22, the modeling industry isn’t there to promote health, and it never was. 
Let’s start off with the fact that no one’s health is the business of another person’s anyway. Someone left an ignorant comment that said… “My only concern is for her heart!” Oh really?? You are concerned for her heart? You…a perfect stranger! You are not her doctor…or her mother and yet you are concerned for her heart! I CALL BULLSHIT! People that spew this heightened sanctimonious attitude are the ones that are most full of bullshit! There is NO WAY any of these people commenting on a post on the internet have actual “caring” for a perfect strangers health! So STOP spewing this garbage because you make yourself look like an idiot!
It is utterly ridiculous to think you know the health of a person by the way they look.  Thin people have cancer. Fat people have cancer. Thin people have diabetes! Fat people have diabetes! Thin people do drugs! Fat people do drugs! Even babies are born with cancer. Many people walk around with debilitating pain, and many times you would never have any idea.
Can we also talk about how the idea of health changes all the time anyway. It is all literally a standard set by a society of people. It does NOT mean it is fact! I just watched this awesome video that I will share down below about the idea of beauty through the ages. This also has a lot to do with the idea of health. Somehow the lines of beauty and health have become so intertwined in our society. Remember, …beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
There was a time in our country, and the rest of the world, when being a thin person was considered the height of unhealthy. Mostly because it just meant that you had no money to buy food, and so you were unhealthy. Being plump meant being fed, which meant a better chance of surviving illness and surviving childbirth. The more plump overweight look was the top idea of premium health! Even on other parts of our world right now….there are people starving to death. These people DO NOT view thinness as a health standard! Mostly because thinness is a sign of starvation. The idea of health to them is someone who eats.
The health of an individual person is NOT something you can determine by their size, their hair color, their skin color, or the way they dress!
This guy here – Jim Fixx – is the guy who created jogging back in the 70’s. It wasn’t as popular as it is today, but it caught on and became a popular way to exercise. This wonderful man died from a heart attack when he was 52,… while he was jogging! Because I am not his doctor, ..I have no idea why this happened. But it happens.  People that exercise have heart attacks….people that are thin have heart attacks, ….people that are fat have heart attacks. 
Just remember, …if you are using the “health” card to judge other people, just know that you are completely full of shit! What you are doing is buying into the societal standard of bullshit! There is a societal standard for many things. And thinking you know the health of a person by looking at them is one of them!!  And using the health card to judge is just you wanting to judge for the sake of judging, or to make yourself feel better.
I know for me that when I am feeling good, I am happy. My health is directly related to how I am feeling.  I am one of those people that has fluctuated with weight over the years. Having four kids, I have gone up and down and all around in the weight department. I have also been someone that has bought into the society bull shit and torn myself apart because I would look in the mirror and not find anything I Like. I have berated myself for not looking a certain way, and my daughters have seen me do it! (Which makes me sick to my stomach.)  I have been bone thin, and I was no where near healthy. I was STARVING!!! Trying to fit into an idea of perfection. The funny part about it is I had people say to me…”You look so healthy!” Uh NO! If they only knew that as they were sitting there telling me how healthy I was, that I could have actually passed out from starvation at any second!!! I had gone 7 straight days without any food one time trying to get down to a certain size.  I was starving myself and I was NOT healthy. I was also not happy. I just wanted to fucking eat something.  
My wish is that Happiness would be what everyone wishes for another person. That happiness is the New standard for health and beauty!!  I can get behind this. Happiness for everyone. Fat, thin, bald, or blue…. whatever the fuck a person chooses to be! Happiness is what folks should be striving for. Not thinness, or fitting into any ideas of society. Just finding happiness! When comments say things like “As long as they have found happiness then that is all that matters!” will be a happy day for everyone!
What if the secret to beauty and health is Happiness??…
And listen okay… I like gluten! So back the fuck off!!!!
Check it out!~
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Things I WILL miss~ VS ~Things I WILL NOT miss…

Have you ever been sitting there chatting with someone, and maybe venting about something your kids did that day because sometimes it helps to vent it out and find solidarity with another person that possibly understands, and then they come back to you with this statement “You are going to miss this one day!”… Oh….really?? Am I?? Well thanks for the “advice” but I am totally and completely allergic to receiving parenting advice from other people. Mostly because I have been a parent myself long enough that there is really nothing anyone can tell me at this point that I have not already experienced, or knew someone that had experienced.  I am not saying that the people that throw out this generic statement of missing all the things are being malicious or rude when they say it. I just think it is a very unthought out response. Now just because a person is venting, it doesn’t always mean they are looking for an answer. Most of the time it’s just a kind ear or a connection. This statement of “Just wait…you will miss this one day” is not only generic and really said without any thought….it is not always true. I agree that I will miss some things, …and I already do. But I am positive there are things that I will not at all miss and actually be glad that they are finally gone. So I made a list….You know I had to make a list right??.. Here is a list of some things that I will NEVER EVER miss once my kids outgrow them. And some things that I will…
I will Never miss getting poo on my hands. NEVER! I don’t like poo. In fact,…I hate it! It’s stinky and gross, and it’s even worse when it’s someone else’s  poo. I can promise you…I will never miss getting poo on my hands from changing diapers. 
I will Never miss wiping someone’s ass that isn’t my own. I don’t even want to wipe my own ass. Like seriously…..we are in 2015…how have they not come up with something better than toilet paper! And don’t even come at me with a bidet! I personally have never used one, but I can see everything wrong with the concept of it. Water squirting all over a poopy ass is doing nothing but making poopy mud ass.
I will Never miss walking through Walmart, and having my two year old decide right then and there was a good time to throw a massive all out tantrum! It happens sometimes. They get tired and crabby and all of a sudden BOOM….possessed two year old sitting in a cart in Walmart! Picture a zombie from Walking Dead gnawing on a person’s leg…..yeah….that! I will never miss all the people staring at me while I am trying to take the tantruming two year old out of the store while they are kicking and screaming, and everyone thinks you are abducting someone’s child because this kid obviously hates you!
Disclaimer – I have four kids, and not all of them threw tantrums. So before you say some stupid remark about how kids shouldn’t throw tantrums and it’s the parents fault….I would like you first to ask YOUR mom if you ever threw a tantrum, then get back to me and leave your stupid comment! Out of four kids, …I have two that always threw tantrums and two that never threw tantrums. It is a personality thing! Two of my kids happen to be more assholey than the other two.. It just worked out that way!
I will Never miss sleeping in pee! I have slept in pee many times…..pee that is not my own. 
I will Never miss walking around on two hours of sleep, and not even realizing that you put your underwear on the outside of your pants until you are standing in the doorway with your hair completely mangled and messy, a coffee cup in your hand, …and puke on your shirt and the child trying to sell you girl scout cookies is afraid of you and tells you that you are wearing underwear over your pants!
I will Never miss seeing a kid pick his boogery nose! NOT EVER! I just gagged writing that!!!!
I will Never miss hearing my children scream at each other like they are going to kill each other, and then hearing the CRASH of something just to have one come out and say…”He threw something at me and it just missed my head!” 
I will Never miss stepping on Legos!!!
I will Never miss stepping in unknown puddles!!!! ( from kids, or animals)
I will Never miss the constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother. And actually….I will probably always feel that way. Maybe one day, when my kids are all grown up and have family’s of their own, I will have a moment of feeling like I did okay, and everything is okay. But for now…it seems I am always thinking I need to do a better job somehow. Which is why as mom’s we should be helping to lift each other up rather than making each other feel bad about the way we are doing things.
But you know what….there is definitely some things that I WILL miss. And I already do.
I WILL miss rocking my tiny baby for hours on end. Sitting there with my baby, rocking back and forth knowing that nothing else in the world matters in that very moment. Just you and your baby. No place you have to be, …no one you have to talk to…..melting into the essence of your precious baby.
I WILL miss watching my two year old dance around in his HULK boxer shorts that he wore for two straight years because they were his favorite! I still think about those HULK shorts and it gets me choked up.
I WILL miss my chunky toddler wrapping herself around my legs and saying…”GO MOMMA GO” and me trying to walk with her attached to my legs.
I WILL miss snuggling with my babies at night and feeling their little breath on my chest and having their big heads laying directly on my heart!
I WILL miss the constant background of sound effects that my son makes. No matter what is going on….there is sound effects happening in the background.  I love those sounds. It is him playing and using his imagination.
I WILL miss watching their little faces light up after every new milestone they achieve. Like walking, ..and tying shoes. The first time my son was able to catch a baseball with his mitt. The look of pride on his face. The first time my daughter passed a spelling test with flying colors even though she had been struggling for months. Seeing her face beam with pride. Watching my oldest daughter receive her diploma after all the hard work she put in and there she is holding it in her hands, huge smile across her face, ..knowing she did it!!  Those moments I want to hold on to forever! I hold them in my heart.
There is so many things I WILL miss. I cry just thinking about it. But that’s what becoming a parent is all about.  And that’s what makes all the things I will not miss, worth it in the end!!
I will miss this~

The 1st year of Marriage ~VS~ The 25th year of Marriage

The husband and I have been hanging out with each other for just about 28 years now. I like him…..I mean, he’s cute, …and he says nice things to me. He also buys me stuff….so….I keep him around.  When you have spent the majority of your life with one person, you get to know them in a way that they probably don’t even know themselves. You learn how to deal with each other and figure out what works. I am still hanging out with him all these years later because I like him. He’s fun to hang out with and he makes me laugh. That’s really all it is.  If you like someone and you enjoy their company, …then hang out with them. You will be much happier hanging out with the folks that you actually enjoy their company more so than folks that rub you the wrong way.
Anyway, …our anniversary is coming up, and I was thinking about how we were so young when we first started hanging out together. We were just teenagers. It’s funny to think back on how we did things early in our marriage and how we do things now. 
So I came up with some differences of what it is like the 1st year of marriage as opposed to the 25th year of marriage!…Not all things apply to all people.  It’s just for fun folks!~
On the first year of marriage – You snuggle in bed at night and face each other with your hands linked together. You have to hold hands all night because you wouldn’t want to possibly lose them…while you both slept!
The 25th year of marriage – You build a blanket wall/breath blocker between the two of you because sleep breath is no joke my friends! “Stay on your own damn side please…and keep that stank breath over there with you!”
The first year of marriage – You sneak into the bathroom to make your doodie business hoping that it’s not too big of a blowout because you would die if he/she heard the explosion!
The 25th year of marriage – You show them what you created in the toilet! and you both look at it with wonderment… 
The first year of marriage – You try really hard not to fart in front of your person. You might let out a little bit….but you never let the blow horn BLOW!
The 25th year of marriage – Not only do you let the blow horn blow… measure the intensity level by the sound it made wondering if your person actually damaged their butthole!! Unless of course if your person has eaten beans….then you are just PISSED at them and you walk out of the room…
The first year of marriage – Since you are still getting to know each other and how each other works, when you go to a friends house and team up to play Taboo,  you usually never win, but you end up learning more about your mate than you actually knew before you played the game! (hopefully all still good) :) 
The 25th year of marriage – You go to a friends house to play Taboo and everyone says “OH FUCK….not you guys!!! Forget it everyone….they are going to WIN!” and you always do win! EVERY DAMN TIME!!!! suckas…
The first year of marriage – You still light candles at dinner time, and put flowers on the table so it feels like a date!
The 25th year of marriage – You have taco tournaments with each other until you both feel like puking and lay on the couch with your taco filled guts hanging out rubbing each other’s bellies for relief!
The first year of marriage – You listen intently to each other because you want to be a good partner and always give the other person your undivided attention.
The 25th year of marriage – You learn to say “Uh huh” A LOT!!! It’s not that you aren’t listening…but you learn to multitask and listen at the same time as wiping a kid’s ass, making dinner, ..and talking on the phone all at the same time! It can be done!!! 
The first year of marriage – You still go out on date nights to a fancy restaurant, and get drinks afterward. 
The 25th year of marriage – Date night always ends up at Walmart! ALWAYS!!! …”oh honey….we left the kids at home with the sitter and there was no toilet paper left in the house! whoops!”
The first year of marriage – You still learn new things about each other that you didn’t know. Your partner may say something that you have never heard before and you are still hearing new stories about them.
The 25th year of marriage – You literally finish each other’s sentences. Your conversations go something like this:
Husband – “Honey…did you know”…
Wife – “Yeah..I heard about that”…
Husband – “Crazy right?”..
Wife – “I know!! I also heard..”
Husband – “Oh yeah…about that thing”
Wife – “Yep!”
Husband – “I can’t believe”
Wife – “I said the same damn thing!!!”
You just know!!!
The first year of marriage – Maybe you guys are good friends and laugh at each other’s jokes and get along really well and it’s all very sweet.
The 25th year of marriage – This person has seen me push people out of the hole in my crotch, this person has seen me shit on a table (also due to pushing people out of my crotch), this person has seen my body get cut open, this person has seen me on the floor crying my eyeballs out because I lost someone in death, this person has seen me make very bad decisions. This person has seen me gain weight, lose weight, attain wrinkles and gray hair, lose my perfect eyesight and need reading glasses.  This person has seen me at my absolute worst, and also at my absolute best! And still this person chooses to hang out with me. This person isn’t just a best friend, ..but so much more than that. A soul mate. 
The first year of marriage is a lot of fun. But there is so much more to look forward to. When you choose a person to walk your journey with on this earth, …they are the ones that will see all of you! So make sure you like them, …and Enjoy the ride!!…
Notice the lack of hair! 28 years and 4 kids can do a number on a person’s head of hair!~
And I am throwing in this preview from Louis C.K.’s new special because…HILARIOUS!!~

Netflix has Ruined Me!! at least it’s there for me…unlike every person….ever…

Don’t get me wrong…I Love Netflix! I am seriously addicted to it.  Now that Netflix is in my life, …I have realized that I don’t need anything or anybody else. It could just be me and Netflix forever….I mean, ..until I have watched all the shows. Then there could be a problem. 
I never really watched that much television anyway, …but when I did…  I would get into a show and wait week by week for a new episode to come. I am one of those people with a very short attention span, …so once the show would go away for more than two weeks …I was over it. Some of these shows will have one episode a week for a month or two, ..and then BOOM…gone for like six months straight. I’m sorry but after six months I have moved on! I don’t have the time or patience to have to re-learn all the people and situations of a show. I’m busy!!! I have things to do…. blink, blink, blink… (whatever!!..I have things I “should” be doing but am choosing not to!! Okay?? Is that better???) 
Anyway, about six months ago or so, …my sister got rid of her cable television and  went to Netflix! She said it was so much better because not only was it WAY cheaper, …you can watch episodes back to back. So I thought…eh,..I’ll give it a try. At first I was totally stealing some Netflix from my sister! They give you the option to have two screens in your house, instead of getting my own, I totally stole her password and started using it to get on. 
Disclaimer – This information needs to stay between us okay?? You know NOTHING! YOU saw NOTHING!! you heard NOTHING! Got it??…
So yeah…I was giving Netflix a try! It didn’t take very long for me to get hooked. I started with LOST! I mean…obviously…..If you get Netflix, and you haven’t watched LOST then you are doing it wrong!!! It was so awesome! No commercials to fast forward through, and every time they left me with a crazy cliff hanger ending, I was like….”Too bad bitches…I’m going to find out what happens right now!” It was AWESOME!!! 
I finished LOST and went straight on to Breaking Bad! Again….if you haven’t watched Walter and Jessie…GET ON IT!!! 
One night, the kids actually got to bed early enough that I decided to start my show. I was midway through the 4th season of Breaking Bad and some shit was about to go down! I turn on my Netflix and I get this awful notice pop up that says… “Your Netflix account has been suspended!”… So I tried again….same notice pops up! I felt panic starting to creep up inside of me. I texted my sister…
Me – “Um, …what the heck is going on with Netflix?? This weird message keeps popping up when I try to get on!”
My sister ( A.K.A. – crusher of dreams!) – “Oh yeah….I am turning it off for a bit because I had some other bills to pay. I will get it back on but it probably won’t be for a few months or so!”
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink….. “You know…..You should be more respectful when someone is “stealing” from you and not just cut off their supply like that! It’s just rude!!! What am I going to do now??”
My sister (A.K.A- crusher of dreams) – “Oh I don’t know…you could always get your own account!”
Me – *plugging my ears even though this was all in text! “LALALALALAL  LALALLALA  LALALA I can’t hear you….I can’t hear you!!…Are you saying something because…I CAN’T HEAR YOU lalalalala”
My Sister (A.K.A.-crusher of dreams) – “okay…so anyway….I will get it back on in a few months or so!”
Me - “FINE!!!! You should really think about taking up a career in crushing people’s hopes and dreams. You are really good at it!”
My Sister (A.K.A-crusher of hopes and dreams) – Blink, Blink, Blink……*at least I think she was blinking. I wasn’t actually there and we were texting all this so… yeah…
I had a decision to make. Do I wait the two months for my sister to get it together so that I can keep stealing Netflix from her…or do I take the plunge and just get it myself. Well…obviously I can not wait two months to find out if Walter White actually poisoned that kid, I need to know NOW! So I called and made Netflix official! 
Another disclaimer – If you are planning on being all judgy and saying things to me like… “Why can’t you pay for your own Netflix?? It’s only 7 dollars a month! Why are you “borrowing” it from your sister you cheap ass!”. Don’t bother saying it! I already know I’m a cheap ass! But can we all agree that if folks are “stealing/borrowing” from you and they are counting on you, that it’s bad form to just do the cutoff technique!!!
Now that Netflix and I are actually official,…my love and devotion doesn’t need to be held back anymore by people that crush hopes and dreams! (calm the fuck down……Netflix is NOT my hopes and dreams! I’m fucking kidding you assholes!) – Sorry…I KNOW some fool is going to say something about that so I am replying in advance!
Since Netflix and I have been going strong, I finally made it through Breaking Bad. I also watched all of The 100. And of course went back through and re-did all of Doctor Who, .and Sherlock! I am currently watching Weeds! I’m in the 7th season so NO SPOILERS PLEASE!! 
The problem with having this relationship with Netflix is that I am now ruined from ever watching regular television again. RUINED!! I have NO patience at all for commercials. I tried to watch something on regular television the other day, and I got five minutes into it and once the commercials started I was OUT!!! I don’t have that kind of attention anymore.
It’s funny because when I was kid, …we would have to actually walk up to the T.V. and turn the knob ourselves! It was barbaric!! You would sit there turning the knob until you could actually find a channel that came in good enough to watch. You would have to sit there moving around the makeshift foil antenna trying to find a channel that had reception. Ah…the good old days! Most of the time you would just give up because it wasn’t worth it. Or you would make your brother stand there holding the foil up to the sky until it came in and then he would have to stand there through the whole episode. Commercials and all!!! Those were tough times in our country!
All I am saying is that I don’t know if I could ever go back. Netflix has ruined me! I am spoiled now. Not that I have ever been a super patient person anyway, but I have zero patience now.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch an actual show in real time ever again. Those days are gone! If I can’t sit and watch an entire 10 seasons of a show in 3 days, then I’m not watching it! But now it’s time to stop all this writing and go watch some more… See ya!

STOP Fucking Hitting your Kids!!!

If you don’t like cussing or ranting,…or offensive things….DO NOT READ THIS POST!!! I am fully aware that I am going to piss people off, and I don’t give a fuck!! We all have opinions. You have yours and I have mine. Well, here’s mine. Take it or leave it! I am tired of always trying to be PC and not offend anyone. The internet is full of assholes all spewing what their opinions are.  Well, here I am, just another asshole spewing my opinion. WARNING: This post is completely offensive and full of bad words, and full of me standing on a soap box!
STOP fucking hitting your kids!!!!! Seriously….what the hell is wrong with some people! It has become a stupid trend to shame your kid and post it on social media. If you want to go viral…either video tape yourself beating the shit out of your kid…or shame them mercilessly and post it for all to see! BOOM  you will go viral!! Am I the only one that sees something wrong here?!
And what the fuck is up with you people that are so damn proud of showing off your discipline techniques. It’s like the more you hit and shame your kid…the prouder you are of yourself.
I am so sick of seeing people say I was hit growing up and I’m okay. YOU ARE NOT OKAY!!!! ESPECIALLY if you think it is okay to continue on and do that with your kid. Can we address a few points here please!
To the people that say spanking is not hitting – Are you a fucking moron! OF COURSE it is. Spanking is methodically hitting in one spot. It is to cause PAIN! It is to hurt! Hitting and spanking ARE the same thing!
To the people that say “I was raised with spanking and I’m fine!” – NO…no you are not fine.  If you can’t even see beyond that type of way to raise a child…YOU are not fine.
To the people that say kids that aren’t spanked end up in prison – This one has got to be one of the most ignorant statements I have ever heard in my damn life!!! Why don’t you take a little visit to a prison and ask those folks how they were raised. I guarantee 100% of them will say their parents either beat the shit out of them,….or abandoned them! Zero percent will say…oh my parents talked to me. They taught me by showing kindness and love to me! Half those fuckers are in prison because they beat the shit out of a kid who couldn’t defend themselves.
To the people that say you have to spank your kid to “TEACH” them – Okay….since when does hitting teach anything other than bullying?? 
Here’s a concept for you…How about BE kind to them…so they learn how to be kind. How about BE loving to them…so they learn how to love. How about BE respectful to them….so they learn how to respect. How about show them you are a kind decent person and earn their respect that way. Instead of the bullshit fake respect you get from FEAR!!!! 
To the people that say – “The world is going to shit because nobody spanks their kid anymore!”…..let me enlighten you. People have been spanking and hitting their kids since the beginning of time! There was a time when schools could hit your kid. It has ALWAYS been a thing. And the world is SHIT!! When has it ever not been this way? So you are saying the world was better before! Better when exactly? History is filled with violence….the bible is filled with violence. There has never been a time in our world that there has been peace. NEVER!!! There is always fighting, and violence and turmoil. ALWAYS! There is always bullying and people hurting other people.  How about this….Let’s try something different and see what we get. Let’s break the chain..and try something new and improved! 
If you think you are loving your child by hitting them, maybe you don’t have a clear idea of the true meaning of love. Love is NOT painful! Love does NOT hurt! DO NOT even try to say that loving someone is hurting them. That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard! Love is Love! You feel it inside of you. A kindness, …or a loving touch. When you say Love is painful…Then you are most definitely teaching your child that pain = love. And now here they go out into a world looking for pain, because pain to them = LOVE!!!
Oh and my favorite is…”I’m not my kids friend…I’m the parent!”…Oh…good for you. I still can’t figure out why when someone says this statement,.. the fucking thing goes viral! WHY do people LOVE to shame their kids?? I don’t get it!
I am proud of the fact that my kids see me as their friend.  My 14 year old daughter came to me before she went to anyone else when she was faced with a decision about peer pressure. She came to me and told me she trusted ME more than she trusted anyone else. We talked through her problem, and I was so thankful I was able to be a part of it with her. She respected and trusted me enough to come to me, and be honest with me. Don’t get it twisted…I am not saying that you should let a child do whatever the hell they want….or walk all over you, but to keep yourself open to them as a person they feel comfortable coming to.
Children are HUMAN BEINGS!!! They are the same as you!!! They deserve as much respect as you do. And they WILL learn it if you show them it. Children learn by watching you.  That is it. The only thing you are teaching your child when you hit them is, make sure and listen to people that hit you!! And don’t get caught!! You are either making them good liars….or making them afraid of you. If that is the end result you want…good job! 
I don’t give a FUCK if you disagree with me! I am SO fucking sick of seeing people beating or shaming their kid and being so proud of it! Hey….Let’s make better people…BY being better!!!!!
And don’t forget…You are going to be old some day,  and they will be the ones that have to take care of you. Wouldn’t it be nice if they actually liked you when that happens!
So chances are if you even made it this far, you either agree with me…or hate my guts! It doesn’t really matter to me! My only hope is that maybe one person will actually stop and think about it for a second. Maybe talk to your kid! Listen okay…if you have more patience with your dog, and would never go off hitting on your dog….then why would you do that to your very own crotch fruit!? 
I am in no way saying that kids are easy! Without a doubt, children are assholes!!…So teach them by BEING what you want them to be! 
I saw this on the website Humans Of New York and it is AMAZING!~
“Never laid a hand on her. And that was huge for me. Because it was always the first thing my dad did.”
Let’s break the chain like this amazing, wonderful dad!
You could always listen to this radio show that Louis C.K was on. He says it perfectly!!

Bring Back The Waterbed!!~

Ah the 70’s and 80’s were good times weren’t they? From the fashion trends all the way to the music. Lava lamps were big, ..and so were leg warmers! My favorite pair were rainbow color and I wore those things until they started unraveling from the bottom up. I also had a pair of Reebok high tops that were HOT PINK!!! You could see me coming from two miles away. I actually wore them with my acid washed jeans and believe me when I tell you, I had the biggest hair around! My wings were something to be desired. I am pretty sure I could pick up any radio station on the other side of the world with those wings.


This is my actual hair in 1987! That took 1 1/2 bottles of aqua net, .and close to 2 hours to achieve….EVERYDAY!!

One of the big trends that started in the 70’s and continued on through the 80’s were waterbeds. Almost everyone I knew had a waterbed in their house. It’s hard to find anyone with a waterbed these days. You know…if you ask me, people are crabbier these days. I think it has something to do with the lack of waterbeds!


More Hair!! SO MUCH HAIR!!~

Here is the top 7 reasons why they should bring back waterbeds:


1)  Nothing says OUCH quite like getting stuck between the hard wood sides and the mattress of a waterbed! I mean…when you got stuck… YOU WERE STUCK! You would usually end up with some kind of bruise or mark, and almost always came out of that full of splinters. It taught us to be tough!! Not like kids today with their soft mattresses, .and plushy futons. They are spoiled with all the cotton sheets, and super cushy micro fleece comforters.


2) You KNEW when your parents were doing the nasty! You could hear it from the other side of the house. All the sloshing and waves they were making, there was no way you were going to accidentally walk in on that and end up scarred for life! Once it sounded like the Titanic sank, knew you were safe to go near the room!..


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3) You always knew the cool people on the street that owned a waterbed because the fully stretched out garden hose draped through a second story window gave it away!! Sign of coolness right there folks!!

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4) Back in the day, we didn’t have much for entertainment…it was either use your imagination and make a tree house out of a stick, or lay on your parents waterbed for hours upon hours making waves! Just try not to think about the waves they were making earlier that morning.


5) You never had to worry about monsters under the bed, …or things getting lost underneath the bed. Once you set up a waterbed… it is there FOREVER!!! For life!!!! The waterbed is not going anywhere….EVER!!! You can change around the dresser or the night stand table, but the bed…..nope, …it stays in the same spot forever!!!!!

Phoebe cat waterbed funny comic

6) – Nothing really compares to how much fun it was jumping on a waterbed when someone was sleeping in it, watching them go flying and end up on the floor. With all these new fangled soft beds, …the most you would get from jumping on the bed while someone is asleep in it is the other person wiggling around a little bit!

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7) …And who can forget all those times you would wake up in the middle of the night because you are sure you pissed yourself just to find out there is a leak in the bed!

Good Times…

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