Happy Friggin Thanksgiving!!!~

Originally posted on Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again..:

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. Why every year Thanksgiving always has to be at MY house! Listen, I am not trying to sound like a complete asshole here, but as I have said in previous posts… I really am an asshole. I just am! I am also sensitive. I’m what you call a sensitive asshole!!  Here is some reasons why I DO NOT want to have Thanksgiving at my house…



RAW TURKEY! I hate raw anything, but when the damn thing is the size of a small child, and I have to sit there and massage the fucker, and rub butter all over it, and stick my hands up its ass to get out its guts and head and whatever the heck else is stuffed in it…. then I hate it even more! Once I finally…

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I Love him, I Love him not!.. How to find your person…

It’s not always easy finding that one person that you want to spend all your time with. That one person that just gets you! Understands all of your quirky ways, and loves you anyway. We all want to be loved and accepted exactly as we are right?! And when you find that person… the one that accepts you with all your crazy, and still wants to hang out with you anyway… You keep that person, and don’t let them go!!
For instance… 
 Let’s say that you got really sick and had to be put on a very high dosage of antibiotics. And because you were on those antibiotics for a while, you ended up getting a very bad Vagina infection caused by the antibiotics. (it happens)
Now your Vagina area is basically a fiery pit of fiery hell that is ON FIRE!!!… Did I mention the fire?
You call your Doctor, and they tell you to go get some over the counter Vagina medicine and use it. But you are at home and wrapped up in your heated blanket and don’t want to leave.
So you call your guy and tell him the situation. He goes to the store for you, and even asks the store clerk which medicine is the very best for Vagina burn… and he not only buys the Vagina medicine but also brings you a pack of Reese’s pumpkins!
YOU MARRY THAT GUY!!!! You marry him and stay with him FOREVER!!!!
If your guy is not afraid to buy Vagina medicine for you and even asks the store clerk what is the very best kind, he is a keeper for LIFE!!
***You should marry him… or at least give him a blow job… (guys love blow jobs).. I totally went there.. ;) 
 Or if it happens to be that time of the month, and you are crabby AND crampy and not at all feeling good. Plus you have run out of tampons and need some stat!! If your guy stops at the store and gets you tampons, a heating pad, a DVD of the Notebook, AND a container of  Ben and Jerry’s with a side of potato chips… MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!… or at least you could play a game of “sink the sausage” with him!… I would wait until Aunt Flow decides to leave… unless you are one of those “I earned my red wings” type of folks…. Too Far??..
 If your significant partner always makes sure that YOU “get there first!” Meaning, they make sure that you have reached the top of the mountain before they finish!… Basically they do not stop until you have an orgasm… then trust me, DO NOT let them go!! EVER!!! Especially if they are willing to take however long it needs to take, AND they are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get you there… IE – dressing up like a pirate,  or saying things like “have you been naughty today”… or rubbing whatever needs to be rubbed even if it’s located in a hard to reach spot! I’m saying if a person is willing to do what it takes to get you where you need to go…. KEEP THEM FOREVER!!!
 If you are sick with the flu, and your partner says “Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner for the kids.” And even though they can not cook at all so they order a pizza for the kids, but still try to heat you up a can of soup… this is a person you want to keep around!! Don’t let them go… Or least don’t let them go until they pay the pizza guy.. 
 If your person HATES chocolate cake, but always orders chocolate cake for dessert when you go out to eat together because they know you love it….. Marry that person!!! 
 We live in a time of equality for all people. It is a great time, and I am a strong believer in equality for all people. But I also am a strong believer in manners. And if you happen to be out with a person (guy or girl)  that holds open the car door for you, or offers you a hand to get in and out of a vehicle that you are having trouble getting in and out of then that is a person with genuine manners for another person. If they hold open a door for you so that you can walk through first, they are someone you want to keep around. 
 If you just had a baby, and you are feeling not yourself at all. You are feeling fat, and ugly, and you can not seem to find yourself. And your guy looks at you and says to you that “You are more beautiful than you have ever been”… stay with him forever! Because he sees you!!!
 If you happen to be a person that has tremendous anxiety attacks or a panicky type of nature for the most part. You never know when something could set it off and send you into a tailspin of anxiety. And you happen to be with a partner who is the complete opposite of that, and they tend to have a much calmer nature about themselves. They have never really been able to understand your anxiety at all but when something occurs, they still look at you directly in your face and tell you “Everything will be okay, Everything is alright” over and over and over until you actually calm down enough to believe it… that is a wonderful person and you should not let them go! Actually you should marry them… or at least cuddle with them!!
 Let’s just say hypothetically that you “accidentally” ran over the jack hole douche nozzle that kept cutting you off, and passing you on the road almost causing a massive car accident that would have hurt a lot of people. You are not sure what to do, and so you call your person and tell them what happened. And instead of lecturing you about how you really need to work on your road rage, they instead help you dig a hole in the backyard. That is the person that you not only want to marry, but you might want to make sure you keep them happy!! They know stuff about you now… 
 If you are with someone who makes you laugh, and says nice things to you, then you should hang out with them. If you have fun together, and you really like them a lot, stay with them. If your person is the type of person that walks through a store and sees something that reminds them of you, so they buy it for you because they know how much you will love it. Or you are hanging out with a person that smiles and lights up every time your eyes connect. If you catch your person looking at you, and they immediately wink and smile, this is the person that you don’t want to let slip away… Hold on to them as tight as you can! I mean… don’t lock them up in a basement or anything… unless they ask you to of course… 
I have been hanging out with my guy for 28 years now! I like him. We like hanging out together, so we do! It’s not always easy, and it’s not always fun… because life can be like that sometimes. But when you find your tribe… your people,… the ones that see you.. I mean really see YOU… those tough times of life become not so tough to face. Finding your people.. the ones that really see you, can truly change your life.
If you have someone in your life that you like hanging out with.. then do it!! It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that!!

Are YOU afraid??

It’s that time of year again. The time when all the leaves change to glorious colors and fall off the trees, and pumpkins and corn husks adorn people’s homes to celebrate Autumn festivities. Autumn is one of my favorite times of year. One of the things I look forward to most is Halloween fun. My kids love to dress up as scary monsters, and decorate the house as creepy as possible. I have always loved Halloween. When we were kids, my parents would give us huge pillow cases and we would walk around the entire neighborhood collecting candy. We were tough back then. None of this… “Only on our street” nonsense. We would go trick or treating for hours! Pretty much hitting every single house within a ten-mile radius, and going back for seconds to any house that gave out full size candy bars!! Trick or treating was serious business back then. My friends and I would map out a plan of the neighborhood days in advance. We would always make sure we had an extra pillow case on hand for overflow. And anyone that started whining about being tired and wanting to go home would have to give everyone else in the group half their candy for being such a lightweight!
I have always loved Halloween! I remember my parents decorating our front lawn with fake tombstones and making our yard look like a cemetery!! Ah good times…
I am also a huge fan of scary movies. I love all the Scream movies, and watch Halloween every single year. I watch all the zombie shows because… Obviously zombies are super cool. And I even recently watched a new show called Scream Queens with the amazing Jamie Lee Curtis and I LOVED IT!!! It reminds me of the ridiculous slasher films of the 80’s. 
I will never forget the first time I saw Nightmare On Elm Street at the drive ins. I couldn’t sleep right for six months after watching that. I kept imagining Freddie Krueger entering my dreams and throwing me in a boiler!! 
I started to think about how so many times random things that we are afraid of are actually not scary at all.
Things like:
Baby Dolls – Everyone is afraid of baby dolls. But actually they are just plastic images of babies. And everyone loves babies right? Cute chubby babies cooing and coddling. 
AND THEN THERE IS THIS!!!! Okay never mind… babies are scary…
Bird Cages – I don’t know how, but bird cages have always had kind of a scary essence to them. They really are nothing more than a place to put your pet bird though. I mean look at this…
AND YET!!!! Imagine it… walking by a birdcage while a bird sits chirping away, and then it stops chirping. SO you turn around and the swing is swinging by itself with no bird! Pretty scary right?? If you want to make it even scarier just put the baby doll in the bird-cage… You might as well be in a Horror film at that point!
Houses – I don’t know what it is about houses, but any house that happens to have distressed paint, or was built anytime in the 1800’s is obviously FULL of ghosts. Everybody knows that ghosts like to hang out in those creepy non-painted houses. I have often wondered though, if I was a ghost I would much rather hang out in a nice newly built house that has awesome decorating and cozy fireplaces. Why would a ghost want to look at scary dingy walls for eternity? And why do ghosts never haunt boats or cars? I mean… think about it, if you were a ghost, wouldn’t you use those skills to float around and do all the things you couldn’t do before? Hop on planes and go anywhere in the world. Or go see a concert that you could never afford. Or swim with sharks even. Safety doesn’t really matter since you’re already dead. You now have a permanent Harry Potter invisibility cloak, you can do ANYTHING!!! Head over to Susie’s house and listen to all the crap she was talking about behind your back! You’re a ghost…
I mean really??… This place?? Why??
Whistling –  A person whistling, especially when you two are the only people in the area, is terrifying for whatever reason. Most likely, they just have a catchy pop song stuck in their head that keeps playing on the radio, but to you… it’s a murderer. This usually leads to a jump scare as they pass you on the sidewalk, because you were expecting to defend yourself… Just add that to the list of embarrassing moments in life…
Raw Meat – I know this one seems strange but hear me out! RAW MEAT scares the bejeezus out of me! I am not a fan of raw meat. If you don’t cook it properly you can get diarrhea of epic proportions and the pukes and all the nasty germie nastiness. My Grandmother used to tell me stories of how she would visit Germany back in the early 40’s and they had raw hamburger stands. You could order hamburgers that were completely RAW! My Grandmother loved them and ate them often… until she got worms! She got worms so bad from eating raw burgers that she became really sick. She also contracted a tape worm and the only way to get it out was she had to starve for 4 days and then sit in a vat of buttermilk so that the tape worm would come out. Just think about that for a minute… let it sink in!! You are now scarred for life. So yes… I have always been afraid of raw meat! Thanks Grandma… Blink, Blink, Blink…
I don’t know… Maybe the shoes aren’t that bad…
Flickering Lights – Usually flickering lights means that the bulb needs to be changed, yet if you are walking to your car in a parking lot, and one of the street lamps flicker in the distance, it’s always in the back of our mind that underneath that light, there is a ghost… or vampire, not the sparkly ones either… Though, I don’t think I’d be fond of running into Edward Cullen either… I was always Team Jacob.
Skeletons – Technically it’s just our bones inside if our body. If you see a skeleton in a science room, you don’t think anything of it. Take that same skeleton and shove half of it in the dirt and half of it coming out of the dirt, and it’s a nightmare waiting to happen!! I’m just saying… it’s all in how you look at it. Though if you find a human skeleton in your lover’s closet, maybe you should be at least a little scared… And you may want to break up with that person… And go to the police…
Alleyways at Night – Actually, just don’t go near those… Just to be safe…Seriously, it’s never a good idea… 
See!! Bad idea…
Hockey Masks – Technically they were designed to save a guys face in the middle of a hockey game… but put one on a serial killer and give him a machete and BOOM… instant murderer!  You know, maybe he is just misunderstood, and just wants to play… *cough* with your intestines *cough*… Too far?
And can we all just agree that Donald Trumps hair truly is the scariest of them all?! I can’t believe no one has created a Facebook page for Donald Trumps hair yet. I can see his hair having its own cult following. The thing is, nothing against Donald Trump… but every so often, if you look at his hair long enough… you can see the souls of men swirling around in a vortex right on top of his head… 
Picture This:
Tonight on the News at 10… “Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose… I repeat Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose, Please stay indoors, and hold your loved ones tight. Make sure all your windows and doors are locked up tight! Whatever you do, if you happen to come face to face with THE HAIR… DO NOT make any sudden movements and NEVER look at the hair directly, for it may steal your soul. Your best bet for survival is to drop on the ground… roll around as if you are in agony, cough three times… and then yell “YOU’RE FIRED!!!” If that doesn’t work, just give it all your money… That seems to be what it truly wants. If you  have no money, chances are you are a goner.”
And last but not least… the thing that is not really scary at all but we always seem to make them look scary is clowns.
Clowns – Silly, funny clowns!! Actually… fuck that… CLOWNS ARE EVIL!!! Straight from Satan!!! Clowns are gross you guys… Super gross!!! Sad clowns, happy clowns, it’s all the same… Screw off clowns!!! And don’t even get me started on clown’s creepy cousin the mime…

Dear Fat People…

My 15-year-old daughter asked me to come watch a video today! It was a video that a teenage boy from her school shared on his Facebook page. The video is of a “comedian” pretty much making fun of fat people for six straight minutes. The girl in this video calls it “comedy!” 
After watching the disturbing video, I sat and talked to my 15-year-old daughter who is currently 105 pounds and still thinks she is fat! She thinks she is not good enough and never will be. I don’t know why. I have always told her she is perfect and beautiful just the way she is, but sometimes it’s not enough! On top of the ridiculous standards of society saying that we have to be skinny, blonde and perfect, we have people like this horrible woman who actually chooses to spend her time on this planet spewing ignorance and hate!!! 
I try very hard to keep the communication open with my daughters, but there are some 15-year-old girls out there that have no one. Every single person in their life will tell them they are not thin enough or pretty enough or good enough just as they are. Some girl out there will be told she needs to lose weight if she wants to be pretty! And then we have this asshole come along and put out a video just reassuring them that they are in fact never going to be lovable or good enough.
Knowing that my 15-year-old daughter watched this, I wonder to myself how many other 15 year olds watched this. And I wonder if this “comedian” even knows, or cares about how many people who will watch her video, and her words will be the last thing they ever hear!! How many people will watch her video and go to the bathroom and throw up as much as they can, or stuff their face full of more diet pills. How many people will cry themselves to sleep, or feel even more unlovable and alone than they did before those words ever hit their ears!
I wonder if she feels bad at all. If she even cares! 
My guess… She thought to herself how can I get people to look at me? I want to be noticed and nobody is noticing so what can I do?? What can I do to become famous!! Oh I know… I’ll tear apart an entire group of humans that I don’t know anything about, and maybe someone will look at me!
And it worked!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!
Well… good for you Nicole Arbour, you got what you wanted. You needed  people to see you and give you attention. I do wonder though, if anyone overdoses on diet pills tonight, or jumps straight off a bridge because of your words, I wonder if it will even bother you!
The fact is we all would like to believe that some stupid words that an ignorant woman posts on a video wouldn’t have that much effect on anybody. But the truth is, there are many people in this world that do not have a solid self-esteem foundation where they were told their entire life how awesome they are. Some people have completely the opposite. Maybe they were told every day that they suck and will never be good at anything and it takes everything for them to just get up and face another day. How ignorant of this woman to think that her words are nothing more than comedy, and that no one could possibly be affected by them! 
If you want to see some people who will make you feel happy, make you feel loved, and make you feel like you are perfect just as you are. Check out some of these amazing people who are spreading love and acceptance on the internet instead of vitriol and hate just to get some likes.
Veronica Pooh Nash –  I recently came across Veronica Pooh Nash! This woman is so unbelievably amazing. I have never in all my life felt such genuine love come across a video as when I watch this beautiful woman. Every word she speaks comes from love. I would rather have my 15-year-old daughter watch any video from Veronica Pooh Nash and listen to her say “I love you and there is nothing you can do about it”, then ever have my daughter watch another thing that comes from someone filled with such ignorance and hate! 
Meghan Tonjes – Always making videos telling people to love themselves just as they are! A real ground-breaker in the body positive movement!
The Militant Baker – Another body positive role model. Everything she puts out is telling people to LOVE themselves and letting them know that they are okay and deserving of love exactly as they are!
Hannah Hart – I have watched Hannah Hart for years! I adore her! In every video she posts, they are filled with love and positivity. She has the most amazing happy presence, and you can feel the happiness through the screen!
Joshua Evans – He vlogs everyday, and at the end of every single video he posts, he signs off with “Be nice to people!”… What a great message to spread around… 
Colleen Ballinger – She also vlogs and is the creator of Miranda sings! I have watched her vlogs and she is one of the kindest people.
Jenna Marbles – If you haven’t heard about Jenna Marbles you might be living under a rock. She is hilarious and a true comedian. She has made videos for years and never once needed to call people ugly, or fat just to get someone to watch them.
Laci Green – I LOVE Laci Green videos. I have my daughter watch them just because her message is so powerful and amazing for young girls. You have to check her out!
If you watch a video or read an article, and after you are done you feel terrible and really bad inside, then something is wrong! You wouldn’t surround yourself with people who make you feel terrible and awful. We call those kinds of people Draining soul suckers for a reason!! Nobody needs that in their life! Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy. Being happy and loving is contagious! And just remember.. you really are perfect just as you are! That is the TRUTH!!!!
This video response to the Dear fat People video is the best one I have seen so far! Grace Helbig.. another amazing person spreading happiness wherever she can!

It’s the Last Day of Summer!…

It’s the Last Day of Summer!
It’s the last day of summer! That statement alone can bring up so many different kinds of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, unsure, nostalgic, and excited all at the same time.
It’s now the time that we all get ready for the crisp days of Autumn that are quickly approaching, which hopefully starts to prepare us for the ever coming LONG, cold days of Winter. The closing of a year and looking back at all the things that took place and happened. Good and bad. The start of a New Year which makes us all feel like we have another chance to do the things that we did not get done, or start something new that we have always wanted to start. It gives us a feeling of refresh. It also at the same time gives us a realization that time is flying on by, and there is nothing we can do to stop it. 
I have always had a bad relationship with time. First of all, I am NEVER ON TIME!!!! I have tried over the years all the different techniques and tricks to cure myself of this on going ALWAYS LATE thing that I have, but nothing has ever worked. So I have decided that it is just part of my DNA. Time and I will never be friends. Who came up with time anyway?? Who was it that decided we need a number to tell us when we have to be here or there, and we need more numbers to tell us how old we are getting by each passing year, and how we are not getting enough done and just letting time slip through our fingers. It’s offensive really!!! I mean… It’s hard enough just trying to live in the moment and then you have the lingering… “Time is passing” hanging over your head.
Truthfully the gray hair on my head, and the fact that my 10-year-old is as tall as me, and my oldest “baby” is now nowhere near being a baby is reminder enough that time is ticking by. Those numbers just give me stress!!
I do long for the routine that comes with the ending of Summer. I love the routine, but at the same time I dread it. Being on a set routine makes me feel more like I am accomplishing life better, but at the same time it also makes me feel like I am missing it.
I am missing the random funny craziness that comes with enjoying every moment and not having to rush from one thing to the next. I tend to be on auto pilot with the routine and tend to miss so much more around me.
It’s the last day of Summer! 
– I look forward to peeing without an audience! And yet what will I do when I run out of toilet paper and am sitting there with no one to bring me some?! Buster has never been good about bringing me things I need! (That’s because he’s a dog and prefers to have ME do everything for him rather than help me out at all) .. you know how dogs can be!! It’s either get up with doodie butt, or sit there in hopes that someone will eventually come into the house and save you… 
– I look forward to NO FIGHTING!!! No more “He said this to me… she said that to me… Tell her to STOP touching my things, tell him to STOP saying that to me! MOOOOOM he farted and it smells like dead mouse, MOOOOOM she said my farts smell like dead mouse!”… you get the idea! Oh who am I kidding, there is still evenings and weekends and all HOLIDAYS!! And those pesky DAYS OFF from school!!!
– I look forward to having a clean house again! Even if it only lasts for eight hours of the day.  I will roll around on the toy-less floor, and know that there will be NO legos to stab me in the pancreas! 
– I look forward to not hearing “I’m BORED I’m BORED I’m BORED” every day, ..and yet those I’m boreds are sure to be replaced with “I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework, I don’t want to do my homework!”..
I look forward to silence!! Yet I also fear the silence. Because with silence comes thoughts. And with thoughts comes anxiety. So if I could just figure out how to not have thoughts anymore. Or maybe I just need to get better thoughts. How do I get better thoughts?? hmm… 
The last day of Summer… Until next year, when all my people will be just a little bit older, and a little bit taller. Their brand new clothes that we just bought will no longer fit them. They will have better math skills and will have learned about the Boston Tea party. My little girl may want to replace her pink doll house with a black computer desk, and my little boy may want to be called “Charles” now instead of “Charlie”… but maybe not.. Maybe I have some more time… maybe..
It’s the last day of Summer!… Goodbye Summer…
I will also look forward to not having tricks like this played on me!! and yet maybe….
NOPE… I will definitely NOT miss this!!

What If… the world was Different?

What If??
Have you ever asked yourself what if the world was a different place? What if everything that you think and do now was completely turned upside down and backwards? How differently would you be treated by other people? How would you be treated by your family? How would you treat others?  I have asked myself this many times. I have wondered if the world was different, if people thought different thoughts than they do now, what would magazine articles look like, and what would movies and television shows portray?
If the world was different, how would YOU be treated differently than you are treated now?
What If… 
WHAT IF girls wanted to be Fat? They wanted it more than anything. Every magazine cover and every Top Model was FAT! Girls never went on diets, and only stepped on scales wishing and hoping that the number would go UP! Every single before and after picture was exactly reversed from every before and after picture you see in this world. Every magazine had an article that read “How to go from FIT to FAT! follow these easy steps!” How would you be viewed in a world like that? How would people judge you and treat you in the world that the epitome of beauty is fatness?
WHAT IF being Gay was normal? What if every family had two dads, or two moms and anyone with a mom and dad is considered weird. As a child growing up, you are told that being straight is a sin!! You have feelings for the opposite gender of you, but nobody understands this. You are a girl, and you fall in love with a boy and you get beat up for it, and thrown out of your family. ONLY boys for boys and girls for girls!! What kind of weirdo falls in love with the opposite gender?!  Every street you walk on you only see girls holding hands with girls, and boys kissing boys. You are afraid for anyone to know that you have fallen madly in love with someone who is the opposite gender. So you hide it. You have lived your entire life seeing only images of happy family’s; being two moms or two dads. NEVER one boy and one girl together. Your attraction and love for the opposite gender has made you feel wrong and shameful. Would you hide in a closet if the world was like that?
WHAT IF men breast-fed babies? The mother still carried the baby in her belly, and pushed it out of her Vagina, and immediately the father started producing milk from his nipples. Right after the baby was born, they hand it over to the father so he can feed the baby. The choice to bottle feed or breast feed is still optional, but they really push the daddies to nipple feed the babies. Nipple is best they say!! When you walked through the store, you see a father feeding his child with his nipples. He prefers to be shirtless because shirts are cumbersome while trying to feed the baby.  Would you still want him to cover? Would it be okay for him to walk around shirtless while feeding his baby?
WHAT IF most men were taught to be careful about what they wear. They were told from the time they were young that girls only think about one thing, and all they will ever want from you is sex!! A woman’s Vagina is thought of as her brain because her decisions are totally led by her Vagina!! Men had to be careful about being around a group of girls especially if they are drinking. Men had to worry about walking around alone at night because there could be a strange woman lurking around waiting to rape him. If the man got himself raped, he had to prove that it wasn’t his fault. Especially if he had been drinking at a party. I mean… he was wearing that very revealing tank top. Would you think he was asking for it?
WHAT IF looks meant nothing! Every person looked exactly the same. Every single person was an exact duplicate of each other. There are no different colors of hair or eyes or skin. There are no different cultures or different beliefs. There are 7 billion people on the same planet and ALL 7 billion people look exactly like each other. And every baby born looks exactly the same as every person already here.  It’s all the same. Just a big planet full of humans that are all exact duplicates of each other. No differences at all. Would people hate other people? Would there be racism or sexism? Would there be wars? 
WHAT IF the term “grow a Vagina” was the ultimate term for STRENGTH??!! When you said to someone “stop being a boy and GROW A VAGINA” it meant toughen up. Or “it’s time to ovary up, and BE STRONG!!” If someone was crying and showing weakness they were called a little dick with balls!! What if calling someone manly meant they were weak, and calling them girly meant they were tough! Would you want to be girly then??
Would the world be a better place for YOU if things were different? Would you see things differently and get offended differently than you do now? Would you have different beliefs, and different morals? Would you accept other people differently than you do in this world? Would you love differently than you do now?
In what world would there be no more hate?
What type of world would it take for everybody to love everybody? 
I wonder if this world could become a better world, empty of hatred and full of love… What if…
I had to throw this in…

We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  
Welcome to my bed!
Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 
When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 
If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…

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