We can’t ALL be BATSHIT Crazy…. Can we??..

Have you ever done something and afterward sat there and wondered why the hell you just did that? This happens to me almost every single day. Most of the time, I just do these things without even realizing how crazy they are. 
 
 
We are all walking around on auto pilot most of the time. We get into routines and we go along with our days not always thinking about the things we are doing. But every so often, my brain snaps online and I realize how crazy I actually am. 
 
 
A while back I wrote a blog post talking about some of the crazy ass shit I do without even realizing it. You can read that RIGHT HERE! But you have to promise to come back and read the rest of this?? Promise??…
 
 
Okay… now that you are back, I have decided to add to that list of Batshit Crazy things that I do. I am sure this list will be an ongoing list for most of my life!
 
 
 
So here ya go… MORE Batshit crazy things that I do!
 
 
 
For some reason, I would never drink water out of the faucet from my bathroom. Even though it comes from the same place as all the other water in the house, I have this weird idea about the water from the bathroom. It just feels wrong! At the same time, I would never wash “poo hands”…i.e. (Your hands after you have wiped your bum) in a kitchen sink! NO WAY!! It’s just not right!
 
 
I ALWAYS have to check behind the shower curtain before I go pee. No matter what!! It always feels like there is something behind the curtain. Usually I imagine a really hairy man with a big machete knife waiting patiently behind the curtain for me to check, and then once I open the curtain… BOOM… . he starts stabbing my face repeatedly until I drop to the ground and die a horrible awful death!! Yes,  I realize I watch way too many horror films. And this sounds an awful lot like Psycho… But you just never know! I have never actually found anything behind the curtain as of yet…. But it could still happen!
My kids do things like this! Which has given me PTSD! (Parental traumatic stress disorder)  
Welcome to my bed!
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Along the same lines as checking behind the shower curtain, I always assume that if I am on the toilet for a long time, that either an anaconda, or an alligator, or some exotic deadly spider will be coming up to bite my ass off!! I usually check a few times during my toilet session just to make sure my butt cheeks are not about to become a reptile’s brunch!
And again… The handy work of my crotch apples A.K.A (the apples of my eye/vagina).. my kids…
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When I get in the shower, I ALWAYS have to wash my hair first! I feel like if I were to wash my body first, and then my hair last… then all the yuckiness from my hair will just be running down my clean body. And then I will need to wash again! Do you see what I mean??!! (Sorry if I just gave you that “always hair first” issue now.) 
 
 
When using a public restroom, if there is only one person in a stall I will never use the stall directly next to them unless I absolutely have to. I will use the one farthest away from the person in the other stall. This is only common courtesy. Same goes for a parking lot. If there are 10 open spots, and you park DIRECTLY next to me…  you are an asshole! 
 
 
If I am at home, and all of a sudden that fully loaded Chipotle steak burrito with extra hot sauce decides to exit my intestines (meaning I get the doodie squirts,)  I will completely take off my pants before I go to the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI, but some doodies are bad enough that clothes just become a hassle and it’s best to handle it Naked and Afraid!!!… (Shout out to Naked and Afraid! Those people have to doodie for 21 days without clothes, AND without toilet paper.)
 
 
Every single time I am in the shower, I envision in my head that as soon as I got in the shower, meteors started plummeting to Earth causing big explosions all over. One probably hit half of my house, and everyone is screaming and yelling. The house is probably on fire, and the world is coming to an end! And there I am washing myself with Juicy Escape and a poofy while the world BURNS!!!
 
 
On top of all of the Batshit Crazy things I do… here are some things that I still say and they make NO SENSE at all! And yet I still say them. 
 
 
If I want to record something on the T.V., I still say “I want to tape that show!”  There are no tapes anymore! Nobody is taping anything in 2015!! It’s as if my brain is stuck in 1982 forever!
 
 
I still say “I need to check my answering machine!” Do they even make answering machines anymore??
 
 
I still say… “Hang up the phone!” We don’t “hang up” phones anymore. We turn them off!! Sliding the off button is not the same thing as hanging up a phone! I miss being able to slam a phone down! Good times….
 
 
There it is…  More of the reasons I am certifiably BATSHIT crazy! Oh well..  Bring on the CRAZY!!!
Maybe this is why I am crazy!! My kids are on a mission to “get me!” But the jokes on them because school is starting soon and I’m just going to smile and wave as they stand there with their backpacks on waiting for the bell to ring!~ Okay, ..I’m not going to lie… This one made me pee a little… Blink, Blink, Blink…
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The day my son broke my Heart!~

Let me start this off by stating that what I am writing about is a very unpopular opinion. The truth is, we all have an opinion. This just happens to be mine. It does not make it right or wrong, it is just the way I see it. You can take it or leave it. My opinion will change nothing. 
 
Now a days, I see so many articles and Facebook posts about how kids today are whiny little bitches! I see it being said all the time. Many folks hate the idea of everyone getting a participation trophy when they play on a team because they feel that it is raising a bunch of pussies. I can tell you that when I was a child, and I was picked as the last kid a lot, it was painful. I took that in and it added greatly to my already lack of self esteem that I carried around on a daily basis. I was a child that came from a home where my parents didn’t build us up all the time and tell us we were awesome.  So every time I was reminded of this outside of my home, it just reassured me that I was in fact NOT AWESOME!! Growing up with that in your head on the daily, takes a long time to try and reverse those thoughts. 
 
 
 
So the other day my son came up to me and told me about something that broke my heart.  At his school they have this incentive program where kids that follow the rules and do as they are suppose to, they can gain golden tickets. They turn in their golden tickets at the end of the week, and every week they have a drawing and pick a winner from the bin. The more golden tickets you have , the better chance you have of winning. I think it is a great thing that they do for the kids. My son came up to me and we had this conversation about it:
 
 
The Boy – “You know how I have been trying to win the golden ticket thing since I was in kindergarten?”
 
 
Me – “Yes.”
 
 
The Boy – “Well… it has been three years and I have tried really hard to win. I think I just have really bad luck that follows me because in three years I have never won. Sometimes I will try extra hard to get tickets and put them in, but I never win no matter what I do. But I am completely okay with it. I am just not going to do it anymore. I have bad luck so I will probably never win it anyway.”
 
 
*At this point he could see I was feeling kind of bad about what he was saying and so he said this. 
 
 
The Boy – “Don’t be upset about it. I am completely okay with it. It’s not a big deal. I just have bad luck in my life and that is how it is.”
 
 
Now listen… as a mom, I have that mama bear quality when one of my children are hurt or upset where I want to make it all better. It is instinctively inside of me to want to fix things for them. I am not going to apologize for that!! When someone hurts my child, I become a crazy lady!! And yes, I wanted to go down to the school, and make them pick his name!!! But I also know that what he is experiencing is life. Just simply life! The thing that breaks my heart is I witnessed the very moment when my son lost that magical feeling of hope, and just became okay with it.  The moment of when he lost his belief in the fact that he can actually do anything. The truth is… life is not easy. And the truth is, not all of us can accomplish everything. We DO NOT always win everything, and truthfully, we will not always be able to do everything it is that we want to do. I am 42 years old and still waiting to take that dream trip to Paris! 
 
 
 
As a mom, I have always told my kids they can be anything and do anything. The world is their playground to do as they please. And even though I have always said that to my kids, I saw my 10 year old lose that hope simply because of his own experiences.
 
 
 
I will still tell my children that they can accomplish everything. And I will still tell my children they are wonderful! So many people disagree with this. They believe that you should never make your children feel special at all because the world will not see them as special or wonderful. I agree with that… except that the world and life will show my children well enough on it’s own that they are not special or wonderful. No one in this world will treat them like they are amazing. Life will knock them around the same way it does all of us. And they will have to learn to overcome obstacles all on their own. But like hell it is going to start with me!! I want to be the ONE place that they know is not going to fail them! I want to be the ONE place they can go and always know that I will see them as wonderful no matter what.
 
 
 
When I think back to my childhood, even if I had parents that had told me I was great all the time, I know for certain that everything I experienced in my life, from heartbreak, to not getting the job, to being the last picked, are all the things that showed me exactly how life is. The hard knocks of life! 
I just want my kids to know that even when life is knocking them around all over the place… the one soft place to rest for a bit will always be with me. I am not a perfect parent. I fully admit that I am in no way perfect at this parenting gig! The way I really feel is, I love my kids and I want them to succeed in all things. The reality is, they won’t succeed in all things. They will learn that totally and completely without the help of me. So yes, I will still tell my children that they are wonderful, and I will still tell them that they can accomplish anything. What they experience in this life will add to making them exactly what they become. I want them to always think fondly of their time with me though. I want them to never question the fact that I always have believed that they can be and do anything. 
 
 
 
Don’t twist my words. I say no to my kids all the time. That is because I am not in a situation where I can give them everything they want at all times. I am not talking about buying your kids a bunch of shit they don’t need. I am talking about building up their self esteem. I am talking about building them up as Human Beings. Reality is what it is! Nothing you say to your kids will change the reality of life. You can tell them they suck or tell them they are great, it will not change what life throws at them.  But it may change how they end up handling it.
 
 
 
 
All I know is that by telling my children that I think they are awesome, it is doing nothing but letting them know that I, their mom, think that they are awesome! It is not making them pussies that can’t handle life. It is just reassuring them that even if the world is shitty and hard sometimes, and things will not always be easy… no matter what, I will always think they are awesome! 
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Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done!~

If you follow my Facebook page, you may remember a story I told a while back about picking up my nine year old from school one day!! 
 
 
This happened:
 
 
As I was picking up the nine year old from school today, he started to walk towards the car, ..and there was another kid walking next to him. Out of nowhere, they both drop their backpacks and take off running toward the buses! Then my son comes back, picks up his back pack, ..and walks over to the car.
 
 
Me – “What was that all about?”
 
 
 
The 9 year old – “Oh that was some random kid that wanted to race to the buses!”
 
 
 
Me – “So you didn’t even know him?”
 
 
 
The 9 year old – “No! but he said…hey want to race to the buses and I was like…sure.”
 
 
 
All I keep thinking about is, what if grown ups did things like that?!..
 
 
 
I’m walking through Walmart in the frozen section and a random lady is standing there picking out a frozen lasagna. She looks at me and I look at her…
 
 
 
Random lady in the freezer section – “Hey…wanna race to the chip aisle?”
 
 
 
Me – “Hell to the Ya I do!!! Let’s do this!”..
 
 
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So we both take off racing to the chip aisle. I win of course because I’m awesome!
 
 
 
Random lady – “awww man!! I was so close!” …then she walks off…
 
 
 
Who do I have to get a hold of to make this a thing??… because I am in!!
 
 
 
This got me thinking about how being an adult is so stupid sometimes! It’s like, somewhere along the way we lose our sense of whimsical thought, and we become much more hardened about the world.  I don’t know when it happens, but it is sad that it happens. 
 
 
 
There were so many things I was expecting adulthood to be like that never actually happened.  Things like this:
 
 
 
1) I was certain I was going to end up one day dealing with volcano Lava. I was extremely prepared for it too.  I used to jump from couch to couch and knew exactly how to get past volcano Lava without getting touched by it at all!   I would say…I was Pro level!!
 
 
 
 
2) Another thing I have yet to have been faced with is quicksand! In the 41 years I have been on this Earth, I have never even seen quicksand!  I am probably over prepared for quicksand though. I had even drawn out an escape plan and had it folded up and carried it around with me for the majority of ’82. 
 
 
 
 
3) I will admit to actually believing that the crust of the bread is the healthiest part! I blame my Mom for this!! When I actually started eating it, ..I really thought I had achieved something great. Now I am a “healthy” eater. Just call me “health nut” because I ate the crust of the bread!! Thanks mom…for that LIE!!!!
 
 
 
 
4) I can’t tell you how many times I was going to “run away” as a kid! I had picked the perfect stick, and kept a red bandanna at all times just in case. I had planned on putting a slice of bread, and my strawberry shortcake doll in the bandanna and tying it to the end of the stick. I did actually make it as far as two houses down once, but I got hungry and ate the bread and was still hungry so I went home for dinner…(FYI – they didn’t even know I left)..
 
 
 
 
5) I also have not experienced being able to walk off a cliff and actually be stuck there for five seconds until you start to fall. I used to always tell myself that if I ever walk off a cliff and am stuck in mid air for five seconds, like every looney toon ever ..instead of looking down, I would use that time wisely and just…you know….walk back to the edge….. problem solved!!!!
 
 
 
 
6) Another thing I was sure was going to happen was that I would most likely get attacked by a shark while I was taking a bath or swimming in a pool! Especially the deep end! I can assure you that I have taken many baths, and swam in many pools and haven’t been attacked yet by a shark! I suppose it could still happen though…
 
 
 
 
7) I was also waiting for the day that my brothers face would get stuck like this!!!
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That actually ended up happening…. 
 
 
 
 
If you are reading this… Just kidding bro…. (not really though)… 😉 
 
 
 
 
 
Not much of what I actually thought being an adult would be like has come true! But I can tell you that I have figured out what most of being an adult really is…
 
 
 
 
It’s taxes!! Being an adult is mostly paying taxes! …  
 
 
 
 
 
That’s all folks!!~
 
 
 

Things I WILL miss~ VS ~Things I WILL NOT miss…

Have you ever been sitting there chatting with someone, and maybe venting about something your kids did that day because sometimes it helps to vent it out and find solidarity with another person that possibly understands, and then they come back to you with this statement “You are going to miss this one day!”… Oh….really?? Am I?? Well thanks for the “advice” but I am totally and completely allergic to receiving parenting advice from other people. Mostly because I have been a parent myself long enough that there is really nothing anyone can tell me at this point that I have not already experienced, or knew someone that had experienced.  I am not saying that the people that throw out this generic statement of missing all the things are being malicious or rude when they say it. I just think it is a very unthought out response. Now just because a person is venting, it doesn’t always mean they are looking for an answer. Most of the time it’s just a kind ear or a connection. This statement of “Just wait…you will miss this one day” is not only generic and really said without any thought….it is not always true. I agree that I will miss some things, …and I already do. But I am positive there are things that I will not at all miss and actually be glad that they are finally gone. So I made a list….You know I had to make a list right??.. Here is a list of some things that I will NEVER EVER miss once my kids outgrow them. And some things that I will…
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss getting poo on my hands. NEVER! I don’t like poo. In fact,…I hate it! It’s stinky and gross, and it’s even worse when it’s someone else’s  poo. I can promise you…I will never miss getting poo on my hands from changing diapers. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss wiping someone’s ass that isn’t my own. I don’t even want to wipe my own ass. Like seriously…..we are in 2015…how have they not come up with something better than toilet paper! And don’t even come at me with a bidet! I personally have never used one, but I can see everything wrong with the concept of it. Water squirting all over a poopy ass is doing nothing but making poopy mud ass.
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking through Walmart, and having my two year old decide right then and there was a good time to throw a massive all out tantrum! It happens sometimes. They get tired and crabby and all of a sudden BOOM….possessed two year old sitting in a cart in Walmart! Picture a zombie from Walking Dead gnawing on a person’s leg…..yeah….that! I will never miss all the people staring at me while I am trying to take the tantruming two year old out of the store while they are kicking and screaming, and everyone thinks you are abducting someone’s child because this kid obviously hates you!
 
 
 
 
Disclaimer – I have four kids, and not all of them threw tantrums. So before you say some stupid remark about how kids shouldn’t throw tantrums and it’s the parents fault….I would like you first to ask YOUR mom if you ever threw a tantrum, then get back to me and leave your stupid comment! Out of four kids, …I have two that always threw tantrums and two that never threw tantrums. It is a personality thing! Two of my kids happen to be more assholey than the other two.. It just worked out that way!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss sleeping in pee! I have slept in pee many times…..pee that is not my own. 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss walking around on two hours of sleep, and not even realizing that you put your underwear on the outside of your pants until you are standing in the doorway with your hair completely mangled and messy, a coffee cup in your hand, …and puke on your shirt and the child trying to sell you girl scout cookies is afraid of you and tells you that you are wearing underwear over your pants!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss seeing a kid pick his boogery nose! NOT EVER! I just gagged writing that!!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss hearing my children scream at each other like they are going to kill each other, and then hearing the CRASH of something just to have one come out and say…”He threw something at me and it just missed my head!” 
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping on Legos!!!
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss stepping in unknown puddles!!!! ( from kids, or animals)
 
 
 
 
I will Never miss the constant feeling that I am not doing a good enough job as a mother. And actually….I will probably always feel that way. Maybe one day, when my kids are all grown up and have family’s of their own, I will have a moment of feeling like I did okay, and everything is okay. But for now…it seems I am always thinking I need to do a better job somehow. Which is why as mom’s we should be helping to lift each other up rather than making each other feel bad about the way we are doing things.
 
 
 
 
But you know what….there is definitely some things that I WILL miss. And I already do.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss rocking my tiny baby for hours on end. Sitting there with my baby, rocking back and forth knowing that nothing else in the world matters in that very moment. Just you and your baby. No place you have to be, …no one you have to talk to…..melting into the essence of your precious baby.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching my two year old dance around in his HULK boxer shorts that he wore for two straight years because they were his favorite! I still think about those HULK shorts and it gets me choked up.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss my chunky toddler wrapping herself around my legs and saying…”GO MOMMA GO” and me trying to walk with her attached to my legs.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss snuggling with my babies at night and feeling their little breath on my chest and having their big heads laying directly on my heart!
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss the constant background of sound effects that my son makes. No matter what is going on….there is sound effects happening in the background.  I love those sounds. It is him playing and using his imagination.
 
 
 
 
I WILL miss watching their little faces light up after every new milestone they achieve. Like walking, ..and tying shoes. The first time my son was able to catch a baseball with his mitt. The look of pride on his face. The first time my daughter passed a spelling test with flying colors even though she had been struggling for months. Seeing her face beam with pride. Watching my oldest daughter receive her diploma after all the hard work she put in and there she is holding it in her hands, huge smile across her face, ..knowing she did it!!  Those moments I want to hold on to forever! I hold them in my heart.
 
 
 
 
There is so many things I WILL miss. I cry just thinking about it. But that’s what becoming a parent is all about.  And that’s what makes all the things I will not miss, worth it in the end!!
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I will miss this~
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STOP Fucking Hitting your Kids!!!

If you don’t like cussing or ranting,…or offensive things….DO NOT READ THIS POST!!! I am fully aware that I am going to piss people off, and I don’t give a fuck!! We all have opinions. You have yours and I have mine. Well, here’s mine. Take it or leave it! I am tired of always trying to be PC and not offend anyone. The internet is full of assholes all spewing what their opinions are.  Well, here I am, just another asshole spewing my opinion. WARNING: This post is completely offensive and full of bad words, and full of me standing on a soap box!
 
 
 
STOP fucking hitting your kids!!!!! Seriously….what the hell is wrong with some people! It has become a stupid trend to shame your kid and post it on social media. If you want to go viral…either video tape yourself beating the shit out of your kid…or shame them mercilessly and post it for all to see! BOOM  you will go viral!! Am I the only one that sees something wrong here?!
 
 
 
And what the fuck is up with you people that are so damn proud of showing off your discipline techniques. It’s like the more you hit and shame your kid…the prouder you are of yourself.
 
 
 
I am so sick of seeing people say I was hit growing up and I’m okay. YOU ARE NOT OKAY!!!! ESPECIALLY if you think it is okay to continue on and do that with your kid. Can we address a few points here please!
 
 
To the people that say spanking is not hitting – Are you a fucking moron! OF COURSE it is. Spanking is methodically hitting in one spot. It is to cause PAIN! It is to hurt! Hitting and spanking ARE the same thing!
 
 
 
To the people that say “I was raised with spanking and I’m fine!” – NO…no you are not fine.  If you can’t even see beyond that type of way to raise a child…YOU are not fine.
 
 
 
To the people that say kids that aren’t spanked end up in prison – This one has got to be one of the most ignorant statements I have ever heard in my damn life!!! Why don’t you take a little visit to a prison and ask those folks how they were raised. I guarantee 100% of them will say their parents either beat the shit out of them,….or abandoned them! Zero percent will say…oh my parents talked to me. They taught me by showing kindness and love to me! Half those fuckers are in prison because they beat the shit out of a kid who couldn’t defend themselves.
 
 
 
To the people that say you have to spank your kid to “TEACH” them – Okay….since when does hitting teach anything other than bullying?? 
Here’s a concept for you…How about BE kind to them…so they learn how to be kind. How about BE loving to them…so they learn how to love. How about BE respectful to them….so they learn how to respect. How about show them you are a kind decent person and earn their respect that way. Instead of the bullshit fake respect you get from FEAR!!!! 
 
 
 
 
To the people that say – “The world is going to shit because nobody spanks their kid anymore!”…..let me enlighten you. People have been spanking and hitting their kids since the beginning of time! There was a time when schools could hit your kid. It has ALWAYS been a thing. And the world is SHIT!! When has it ever not been this way? So you are saying the world was better before! Better when exactly? History is filled with violence….the bible is filled with violence. There has never been a time in our world that there has been peace. NEVER!!! There is always fighting, and violence and turmoil. ALWAYS! There is always bullying and people hurting other people.  How about this….Let’s try something different and see what we get. Let’s break the chain..and try something new and improved! 
 
 
 
If you think you are loving your child by hitting them, maybe you don’t have a clear idea of the true meaning of love. Love is NOT painful! Love does NOT hurt! DO NOT even try to say that loving someone is hurting them. That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard! Love is Love! You feel it inside of you. A kindness, …or a loving touch. When you say Love is painful…Then you are most definitely teaching your child that pain = love. And now here they go out into a world looking for pain, because pain to them = LOVE!!!
 
 
 
Oh and my favorite is…”I’m not my kids friend…I’m the parent!”…Oh…good for you. I still can’t figure out why when someone says this statement,.. the fucking thing goes viral! WHY do people LOVE to shame their kids?? I don’t get it!
 
 
 
I am proud of the fact that my kids see me as their friend.  My 14 year old daughter came to me before she went to anyone else when she was faced with a decision about peer pressure. She came to me and told me she trusted ME more than she trusted anyone else. We talked through her problem, and I was so thankful I was able to be a part of it with her. She respected and trusted me enough to come to me, and be honest with me. Don’t get it twisted…I am not saying that you should let a child do whatever the hell they want….or walk all over you, but to keep yourself open to them as a person they feel comfortable coming to.
 
 
 
 
Children are HUMAN BEINGS!!! They are the same as you!!! They deserve as much respect as you do. And they WILL learn it if you show them it. Children learn by watching you.  That is it. The only thing you are teaching your child when you hit them is, make sure and listen to people that hit you!! And don’t get caught!! You are either making them good liars….or making them afraid of you. If that is the end result you want…good job! 
 
 
 
I don’t give a FUCK if you disagree with me! I am SO fucking sick of seeing people beating or shaming their kid and being so proud of it! Hey….Let’s make better people…BY being better!!!!!
 
 
 
And don’t forget…You are going to be old some day,  and they will be the ones that have to take care of you. Wouldn’t it be nice if they actually liked you when that happens!
 
 
 
So chances are if you even made it this far, you either agree with me…or hate my guts! It doesn’t really matter to me! My only hope is that maybe one person will actually stop and think about it for a second. Maybe talk to your kid! Listen okay…if you have more patience with your dog, and would never go off hitting on your dog….then why would you do that to your very own crotch fruit!? 
 
 
 
I am in no way saying that kids are easy! Without a doubt, children are assholes!!…So teach them by BEING what you want them to be! 
I saw this on the website Humans Of New York and it is AMAZING!~
“Never laid a hand on her. And that was huge for me. Because it was always the first thing my dad did.”
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Let’s break the chain like this amazing, wonderful dad!
You could always listen to this radio show that Louis C.K was on. He says it perfectly!!
 

Children vs Adults! ..Christmas Edition

It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!!  In all honesty though,  …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…

 
CHRISTMAS

 
Children vs. Adults:

 

The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-

 
CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!

 

 

Black Friday-

 
CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??

 
ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..

 

 

Christmas lights on houses –

 
CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!

 
Christmas Commercials-

 
CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!

 

 
ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!

 

 

Santa in the Mall-

 
CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!

 
ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…

 
(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)

 

 

Stockings hung by the fire with care-

 
CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!

 
ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..

 

 

Christmas shows on T.V.-

 
CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..

 
ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..

 

 

Leaving Santa cookies and milk-

 
CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!

 
ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!

 

 
Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…

 

 

Christmas Morning-

 
CHILD SEES – I’M SO EXCITED!!!!I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND READY TO HAVE FUN!!!!!

 
ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….

 
So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier.  And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!

 

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“Ooops…my balls fell out…”

It is summertime. There are things I LOVE about summer, and then things I do not love about summer. One of those things that may not be my favorite is the boredom factor of my children. I get a lot of that “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” crap. As I am sure all of you fellow moms have heard at least 5 million times already. I have the backyard pool set up and then of course there is the trampoline, and there is their bikes, and they always have outside…with the sunshine. But I understand…they are bored! Anyway, this post isn’t about my children’s boredom. One of the things that I LOVE about summer is the time that we have to just sit around and do nothing. Which ultimately is the reason for my children’s boredom, but the very thing I LOVE about summer. I love not having full schedules of having to be places on time…because I am allergic to being places on time. I am one of those people…it’s really hard for me. I know that one day my children will come to appreciate the boredom. They will long for the days when they had nothing to do but enjoy having nothing to do. But until that day comes…there will be a lot of “I’m boreds”. With summer come’s staying up later, and sleeping in longer. Something I am perfectly okay with. This is me embracing the lazy girl that lives within me. We are BFF’s…me and the lazy girl that is me. ( I hope that made some shred of sense.) The other night, 2 of my daughters and I were having  just one of those wonderful summer evenings. It was late, the little ones were in bed, the husband was in bed, and the 2 oldest girls and I were up just chatting away the night. I love evenings like this because all kinds of fun subjects come up. We talk about everything. I have always tried very hard to keep communication open with my kids. I want them to know that they can tell me ANYTHING and I will not freak out on them. No matter what it is. I might be freaking out on the inside, but trying to stay calm on the outside.  I have said to them even if I do not like what they tell me, or agree with what they are telling…I still want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me about anything. I believe strongly in open communication because how will I ever be able to help them if they don’t even feel like they can be honest with me. I prefer them to tell me, rather than not talk to me about what is going on in their head or in their life. So let me start by saying I was a pre-teen girl…so I get it. I really do. When you’re the mom in the pre-teen scenario…things change though. You are coming at it from a different place now. I am looking at my little girl, who is now growing into a woman. There is that bittersweet aspect that comes in. I don’t want her to grow up, yet at the same time am enjoying this beautiful young girl she is becoming. Side note- NOT enjoying the pre-teen attitude AT ALL though! See…I remember starting my period. My mom was like…” eh…throw this pad in your underwear and you’ll be fine.” That was it! She didn’t even give me a complimentary Hershey bar with it. I decided when my daughter starts her period, I was going to be all Super Mom and come in with my cape on…a bag of chocolate, and ready to teach her all about life. butttt… I was not so ready for the actual moment when my first daughter started hers. I knew we might be getting close to the time when nipples starting popping out and she told me curly hair is starting to grow on her hoohaw. I had talked to her about periods, and told her kind of what to expect, but nothing really prepares you for the real moment of “Mom…I have blood in my underwear.” It’s a weird moment. I wanted to cry, and had some weird stuff happening. The feeling of  losing my “baby” and yet wanting to be here and help her and have her follow my lead so she isn’t scared. My oldest daughter started her period smack dab in the middle of Walmart! Yep. I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to folks. What better place to start your period anyway, I mean….you’ve got lots of choices here….pads, or tampons..or even adult diapers if you want to go that route….plus you can grab some ibuprofin if needed….and then be sure and hit the chocolate aisle. So by the time my second daughter started..I was a little more prepared. I explained the deal to her, and it seemed like it went a little smoother. Not a lot smoother but a little. Anyway, so the other night the girls and I are chatting it up about this and that, and friends, and school, and boys, and all other kinds of things going on in a pre-teen girls life. My oldest daughter was chatting about her high school days, and my 12 yr. old comes in with… “I have a question?”

 

Me: “Okay…ask away?”

 

The 12 yr. old:-“So when I was in school, they were teaching us about puberty and all the stuff that is going to change in our bodies, and they were talking about boys having balls. They said that when their balls drop, that is when puberty starts. So I think that is gross, and what do they do with their balls after they drop? Do they have to throw them in the garbage? What if they fall out of their underwear?”

 

ME:
queen

Uhhhhhhh………O.O……..ummmm………O.o………..Uhhhhhhhh……

 
And then it hits. My older daughter is rolling on the floor in laughter, and I couldn’t help it either. My sweet 12 yr. old is asking me what boys do with their balls after they drop. I explained as best as I could about the ball situation. My oldest started with the jokes….

 

justinballeddropped

“So what if you were standing behind some kid in the lunch line and his balls fell out and you stepped on them.”~

 

spongebob

 “Have you seen random balls in garbage cans lately?”~

 

galilleo

” That must be what the hole in boy’s underwear is for…so the balls can just fall out after they “drop”.”~

 

dropped

The 12 yr. old- ” I hope I have never stepped on someones balls before and not known it because ewww.”~

 

poop

” I bet they could use them to play golf with after they “drop” out.”

 

great-golf-ball-drop

Side Note – This is the child that informed me of the proper way to open deodorant. Yep….I have been doing it wrong for over 25 plus years. She comes in while I am clawing at the plastic thing on the top of the new deodorant and I can’t get the damn thing off, and she says “Check it out Mom….if you roll the dial at the bottom..it just easily comes right off.” Sure enough! …Summer just doesn’t get better than this folks!

 

New_Year_2013_Ball_Drop

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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