The Top 5 WORST people to run into in public places…

Have you ever needed to run into the store for something, and you really just want to get in and out as fast as possible, but as you are approaching the item you need, you hear someone yell your name from across the aisle? You quickly look around trying to see if there is anything you can duck behind… maybe the gigantic display of cheese balls, or the buy one get one free Pumpkin spice Oreo’s because they couldn’t sell during Fall and now they are trying to get rid of them with an enormous display that has a big sign that says.. PUMPKIN SPICE… YUMMY ALL YEAR LONG!!! Hoping to trick folks into buying them even though it’s July! (Everyone knows you can’t eat pumpkin in July!!!)

 

 

The display is too far away! You see nothing you can hide behind…  and taking off in a full run would be too obvious… so instead you stand there… thinking THIS:

 

 

 

 

For some reason every time I go to Target, I feel like it turns into every reunion that I usually avoid at all costs. Family reunion, high school reunion, company reunion. And for some reason I lie to myself every single time and say… “Oh, it will be a quick trip. No need to fix my hair, or put on make-up or deodorant… or pants! ” And yet, every time, I run into someone!!

 

 

 

I came up with a list of THE WORST people ever to run into in public! Places like grocery stores, BBQ’s and birthday parties, shopping at the mall! 

 

 

The top 5 people you DO NOT want to run into in public places:

 

 

 

1 – The guy/girl you just broke up with. Especially if they are with a new date… and you happen to be in the freezer section balancing six different pints of Ben and Jerry’s in your arms, along with the gigantor jug of Carlos Rossi.  You didn’t think you were going to run into anyone, so you didn’t brush your hair… as a matter of fact, you haven’t showered since the break up! You probably smell like fried onions, farts, and wet dog because since your ex left, you spend your evenings eating Ben and Jerry’s until you fall asleep on the dog! 

 

 

 

 

2 – The person that just unfriended you on Facebook! You show up at your neighbors BBQ, and as everyone is sitting around the picnic table, you notice the only open spot is the one directly next to the “friend” that unfriended you. Most of the time you don’t get involved in things like politics on Facebook, but this one time you happened to see a post and decided you had an opinion. So you left a comment and all of a sudden you get unfriended because you had an opinion! And now… here you are… sitting next to the person that got their super tight Fruit of the Looms in a big balled twist straight up their butt hole (probably due to puckering their butt so much.. they need to learn to relax) anyway… here they are sitting next to you. You know they unfriended you, they know they unfriended you… All that is left to say is this:

 

 

 

 

 

3 – Your boss… at the fair… right after you just called in sick and told him/her that you are so sick you can barely move!… But then again, you think to yourself, “Why is my boss at the fair? What a lying lazy ass.” He probably thinks the same of me… Oh well.

 

 

 

 

4 – Your mother-in-law, while you are shopping for a new vibrator. The kind that glows in the dark! You look over and notice her shopping in the XXX LARGE section of dildos! If you ever find yourself in that situation, it is perfectly acceptable to drop on the ground army crawl style and literally slither your way out of that store… ASAP!!!

 

 

 

 

5 – Any person that has to do any kind of maintenance or up keep of your down belows! I’m talking about people like your OBGYN… or the guy who did the colonoscopy on you. This also includes the waxing technician who performed your Brazilian… and butt hole bleaching! There is just something about running into folks that have seen parts of your body that even you have never seen. How can you even have a normal conversation with a person that has seen your Vagina open up like a black hole and release a head the size of a bowling ball, while simultaneously shitting all over them! (Yes.. I shit on my OBGYN!)

 

The conversation would probably go like this:

“Oh HEYYYYYYYY Doc! How’s it going? How’s the Vagina business treating you?? You know, I’ve always felt it’s not fair that you have seen my cave of wonders, and I know NOTHING about you! You know, I’ve always wanted to ask you.. my nether regions.. are they what you would consider.. “Good looking”, I mean you know… you see so many, and I figure you have seen some really gorgeous ones and some really scary ones that you probably wish you could erase from your mind forever! I’m just saying… on a scale of hideous to BREATHTAKING… what is my rate??? It’s breathtaking isn’t it??? ISN’T IT??? Doc???? Blink! Blink! Blink!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

So there you have it. The top 5 WORST people to run into in a public place!! So next time you happen to be at Wal-Mart picking up tampons, a giant hunk of chocolate, and the family size bottle of Advil… and you hear someone calling your name… just remember this:

 

 

 

 

The World is Goin Nuts!!..

The Internet does it again!! We all know the Internet can be a scary place sometimes. It can also be a magical place full of puppies, pandas, and unicorn poop! 

 

 

The truth is… it is part of our lives now. The Internet is here, and it is a part of how we do many of the things we do.

 

 

 

For instance…

 

 

 

If you have a medical question…  There is WebMD! But be careful because if you type in your symptoms of having a hurt toe… it will probably tell you that you have cancer and you need your leg amputated!

 

 

 

The days of Encyclopedias are gone! If you need information or to look up facts… You have Google! And everybody knows that Google knows everything!! Just Google it… and Google will tell you….

 

 

 

If you are feeling sad you can watch hours and hours of puppy videos or cat videos.

https://youtu.be/S7znI_Kpzbs

 

 

 

You can find bloggers, and vloggers, and read all kinds of articles and watch all kinds of videos.

Who is this awesome Blogger…    RIGHT HERE!!!

 

 

 

And if you feel like socializing with folks… you have Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram! 

 

 

 

The fact is… this is how we interact now. We are plugged in. Kind of like the Matrix! A little foreshadowing going on there… 😉 

 

 

 

 

I like to hang out on Facebook. I mean… let’s face it… It’s Zuckerberg’s world and we are all just living in it!! Amiiright??!!

 

 

 

I am highly addicted to a Facebook page called Tasty! This place is almost as addicting as Netflix. They post videos of recipes being cooked and all you see are the hands making the food, and it is mesmerizing. Like I could literally sit for hours and watch video after video. It is highly addicting. They make it all look so easy. And you don’t even have to press play on these videos. Which let’s face it,  who the hell wants to take time to press play. Being able to just scroll and it starts playing magically is amazing. Nobody has time to be pressing play on shit.

 

 

 

But then…  you have the comment section. I know, I know… NEVER read the comments! You might think to yourself “Oh this is a recipe on how to make some cheesy enchilada dish… how bad can the comments be?”

 

 

~

BAD!!

 

 

So I watched this recipe here about Moroccan chicken. And I want to break down for you how a simple recipe for Moroccan chicken can turn into an all out drunken brawl. Thanks Internet!! 

 

 

 

 

It all starts out pretty innocent enough. Everyone has an opinion, right? So they must come and write it in the comments so all the people can see how they feel about Moroccan chicken:

 

 

 

These are real comments: (I wrote them exactly as they are written in the comment section, So don’t blame me for the misspells… 😉 ) 

 

 

** – My thoughts…

 

 

 

 

Person 1 Comment – “Morrocan don’t eat harissa… Spread some cumin and let it cook with some chickpeas doesn’t mean it’s a moroccan like, and it goes the same way as well for the others meals… This is just a One-Pan Chicken to me”

 

 

**(Innocent enough I guess. This guy is not impressed with one of the spices so he must tell all the people! What even is Harissa though?? I have no idea)…

 

 

 

Person 2 Comment –  “We eat it –‘”

 

 

 

**(okay… so apparently there is a person that eats it, and she wants you to know!!)

 

 

 

 

Person 3 Comment – “But we eat it”

 

 

 

**(Another commenter coming on to let us all know that they too in fact eat it!! We are still talking about Harissa right??… I still don’t know what that is…)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comment –  “Don’t eat harrisa? It is a must in every meal. Coming from Moroccan. I don’t know where she come up with that”

 

 

 

**(So here comes person 4 to respond to person 1 about how Moroccans do not eat harissa!! You guys… what the fuck is Harissa???. anyone???)

 

 

 

Person 1 Comments again – “Well boy I ain’t a she. And if you’re used to eat harissa whereas you were raised in Morocco, it’s up to you that’s fine. But I bet you eat ketchup too. I mean the only moroccan touch in this meal is only the name and that’s all.”

 

 

 

**(What’s wrong with ketchup??… rude!!!!)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comments again – “who u r calling boy? A little cunt? U don’t know what are u talking about.”

 

 

 

**(Um… okay guys… what does this have to do with Moroccan chicken?)

 

 

 

Person 1 comments again – “you’re so full of shit with your tiny ballsack that I ain’t even gonna argue with ya on what’s up with the moroccan food. Get your shit together and don’t even try to step out to your miserable hole of “I have been raised in Morocco so I know what’s up”. What I’ve seen is an eyesore to all the moroccan community. But alright I’m glad you grew up with some Harissa out of your ass you fucking horsecrap.”

 

 

 

**(Did this guy just call someone horse crap?? And what does he mean “Harissa out of your ass?”.. Does Harissa come out of assess??  I’m not going to lie… this whole thread is starting to feel a bit like a Donald Trump rally!!)

 

 

 

Person 4 Comments again – “shut the fuck up fucking twat. Go squize on a fat dick, piese of shit , Jackass.”

 

 

 

**(We are definitely NOT talking about Moroccan chicken anymore folks!! “squize” on a fat dick??… WHAT???)

 

 

 

 

 A new person arrives into the conversation – “So much butthurt over a bloody chicken dish. They call it “Moroccan” because it is probably easier than calling it Cumin, Harrissa, cherry tomato and chickpea Chicken.”

 

 

 

**(hmm… good points being made by the new arrival… How will they respond?)

 

 

 

Another new Commenter arrives – “So it’s not Moroccan give a shit! Will that stop you cooking it? If they called it spicy chicken would you cook it? It’s still nice douche!”

 

 

 

**(I don’t know…  but spicy chicken and douche in the same sentence makes me feel all weird inside.)

 

 

 

Person 4 comes back for some more – ” So u are a fucking wannabe. Try to hard to fit in? GO FUCK YOUR MAMA”

 

 

 

**(Okay now… I just wanted some chicken!! Why you gotta bring momma into this?! Let’s keep the mothers out of this folks)..

 

 

 

Person 4 left a meme for person 1 – 

 

 

 

**(Really creative use of a meme by Person 4… I do love the use of a good meme in a fight…)

 

 

 

And then this guy joins in – “Shit went too far ! … Forget about it ! Realizin’ what a meal’s name can cause , the world is goin’ nuts I swear ! We eat it we don’t eat it , it’s not ours but it’s common in the country whatever it is, let’s make everyone happy ! Oh !”

 

 

 

**(I do agree the world is “goin nuts”… and yet I still laughed my ass off at this comment! “Shit went too far”… yes random commenter on a recipe video… shit did go too far”)

 

 

 

 

Well… that was fun! Thanks Internet… you always have the ability to lift my spirits… and yet Internet… you also have the ability to have me sitting in my closet in the fetal position rocking back and forth sucking on my thumb crying for my mommy!!

 

 

 

Blink… Blink… Blink… 

 

 

Just Another Article about Donald Trump…

I remember when I was a child. I went to a Catholic School, and every Sunday me and my family would be sitting in church listening to the Priest talk about things like “Loving your neighbor as yourself”… and “Treat others as you would have them treat you.” You know… the basics of being a decent human being.

 

 

This was something that was just expected of me when I was a child. My parents told me that I should be kind to others. My parents told me that I should never say mean things to another person because it could hurt their feelings. My parents told me to always be polite to elders. They did not approve of bad words, and often told me that if I can’t say something nice… don’t say anything at all. 

 

 

I remember these things as being a standard of how to go out into the world and how to socialize with other people. It was just the way we were taught to be.

 

 

I ask you reader… do you remember many of these lessons as a child? Did your parents tell you to be kind? Did you go to church on Sundays and hear the messages of loving your neighbors?? I ask you reader do you remember??

 

 

I myself am a very sensitive person. As well as being sensitive, I also have a fiery temper! It’s a strange mix… but it is who I am!! Being sensitive can be hard at times. But it’s the sensitivity that helps me to be able to empathize with another human being. It helps me to understand that other people are having experiences that are not at all things I may understand… but I can still listen, and open my heart to their experiences.

 

 

For the first time in a very long time, I have been jarred to my core! Lately I have felt like my heart is being squeezed watching all of the things taking place in my country. The place that I grew up in where I was taught about Freedom, and Hope, and acceptance above all else! I do not understand what is happening. 

 

 

All politics aside… the man that is standing up and trying to gain control of the amazing country that I grew up in… this man is cruel. He is unkind to his core! As a fellow human being… he is a bully! I am not talking about taxes, and medical plans, and what political party to stand for. I am talking about the person. His true nature! His core values as a human being residing on this planet along with 7 billion other human beings. 

 

 

I ask you reader… would you teach your children to treat others as this man has treated others? I ask you reader…  would you allow your children to speak the way this man has spoken?? I ask you reader… if YOU were the target, for instance say this man did not like the place you choose to worship, or the bible you choose to read… would you feel the same if he was saying that he wanted to ban all Christians… or all Catholics? 

 

 

My heart is broken. I truly for the first time have felt like I no longer have faith in human kind. The hate that is in our country right now is palpable. You can feel it in the air. 

 

 

Above all else… we are the human race! We are all on this planet together… no where to go! This is it! Did you ask to be here? Did you choose this? 

 

 

I have not always been kind in my life, but those times are the times that have made me want to be better. It makes me feel better to be kind. It makes me feel good to make others smile. 

 

 

You can call me a pussy, you can call me whatever you want to call me… but for me… at night when I lay my head down, I know I have tried to do my best. To be as kind as I could. 

 

 

I am not a religious person anymore. My own experiences led me in another direction… but if you are a religious person, I ask you… how will you stand before the God you believe will judge you on judgement day, and be able to say that hurting other human beings was okay? 

 

 

Yesterday, I read a blog that was written by one of the greatest writers of all time. This describes perfectly how I feel to my core! As I read this, tears streamed down my face. What has happened to my country? To my people? Where has the love and kindness gone? My heart is broken… 

Please Read This~

http://www.renegademothering.com/2016/03/02/nevertrump/

 

Always remember…

 

Weight Loss, Balls, and other Annoyances…

It’s that time of year where we see blogs, videos, and articles all over the Inter-webs about New Year resolutions and new beginnings for 2016. It’s very inspiring… and also annoying. Mostly because I consider myself a fairly self aware individual. Which means I am acutely aware of my propensity to procrastinate… on everything… (do you like all those fancy words I used??)

 

 

I stopped making New Year resolutions because I procrastinate… and because of that, I will almost certainly not follow through which will eventually make me feel like dump about myself.

 

 

It’s my own fault. I end up giving myself expectations that are so huge no one could possibly live up to them. No… I am done with that! 

 

 

I have instead decided to be content and okay exactly as I am. However, that does not mean that I am not moving forward. I am always moving forward. Learning, growing… and always moving forward to a new place. But enough with the damn expectations already!

 

 

There is nothing wrong with me just as I am… and there is nothing wrong with you just as you are!!

 

 

But that is not what this post is about. So let me get to the point. My most read and shared blog posts from past years tend to be ones that are bitchy in nature. You guys LOVE reading the stuff I complain about. Ya bunch of weirdos…  Just Kidding! But not really kidding though..

 

 

So I figured since you guys love it when I rant, I would give you a big old end of the year rant!! 

 

 

Enjoy!!

 

 

It has been a year full of all kinds of crazy. But we have to start somewhere so I decided to start with this!

 

 

This… 

 

 

Can we all please just STOP saying this!!

 

 

First of all… we live in a world where for some reason people love to use the term “grow a pair” as a sign of strength. I know you know!! WE ALL KNOW… This is FALSE advertising for balls folks!!

 

 

BALLS ARE WEAK!! They are not strong and they are certainly not the sign of strength in any way what so ever.  Every single time I see a person tell someone to grow a pair… my eyes roll so far back into my head I can actually see my brain!!

 

 

Look at this for a minute okay?

 

 

A Vagina spits out a FUCKING HUMAN BEING!!! YOU in fact. A Vagina pushed YOU into this world that you are currently breathing in!  And after it does that… it continues to work. And in many cases it will push out multiple human beings… back to back… and still keep on ticking. It’s like the energizer bunny… It keeps going and going.

 

 

 

I’m not saying that a Vagina doesn’t get banged up after pushing out people… but that son of a bitch keeps going! Vaginas are NOT WEAK!

 

 

Balls on the other hand…  are LITERALLY the weakest part on a human body. So weak in fact that every movie you have ever watched, or book you have ever read where a guy is attacking a girl…  if she kicks him flat in the balls, he drops. That guy is down!! If you barely scrape a pair of balls, they practically deflate. (and nobody likes deflated balls! AMIIRIGHT??)

 

 

So why?? Why do we use that term as a sign of strength when it is anything but strength?

 

 

I don’t get it!! That needs to change! It’s idiotic! Balls are WEAK!!!! 

 

 

Okay… now that I finally got that out of my system… Do you know what is super extremely annoying? When people lose weight and all of a sudden think they now somehow have earned the right to be a judgy asshole to other folks who have not lost weight.

 

Listen okay… If you decided to lose weight.. awesome! Do it!! Go for it! But that does not win you the medal of being a Judgy Mcjudgerton to everyone else who has not lost weight. 

 

 

Some people are happy just as they are. Who are you to tell them they need to lose weight if they are perfectly happy with the weight they have? YOU do not have a right to choose what makes another person happy. That is NOT for YOU to decide. Nothing is more annoying than the person that lost 40 pounds who sits on Facebook posting before and after pictures telling everyone that they need to GET OFF THEIR LAZY ASS AND DO IT!!!

 

 

Well… I say FUCK YOU!!! Here is the thing. Before you decided to start losing weight, you didn’t lose weight. And then you did. Maybe other people aren’t there yet. Maybe they haven’t reached that point where they want to do it. Everyone has a different road. And just because your road led you to lose 40 pounds does not mean every single person has the same road. Not to mention you have no idea why a person has weight on them. Medications… sickness… or because they fucking love food! Which is not bad! It is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!! So lose weight if you want to. Do it for yourself. But if you are posting over and over on Facebook telling people they need to get on it and quit being lazy, thinking you are being inspirational… NOPE!!! You are being a pretentious asshole. 

 

 

Side Note – I am not talking about being proud of yourself. That is a completely different thing. There is a huge difference between being proud of yourself and being a pretentious asshole!! Although, I am not a fan of before and after pictures. You were beautiful before, and you are beautiful after!

 

 

Another super annoying thing about Facebook… the kardashians. When is this going to stop!! WHEN?? Why?? HOW?? I read somewhere that you can put a filter in your news feed that will keep anything kardashian from popping up and all I have to say about that is LIES!!! Every day my trending feed has something about a kardashian! EVERY SINGLE DAY! It goes something like this:

 

Trending Feed:

 

-Kim wore a shirt today! Twitter goes crazy

 

-Kendell put pink lipstick on! Instagram breaks in half

 

-Kanya and Kim name their kid Fart face! The Internet blows up!

 

 

WHY??.. WHY WHY WHY???

 

 

I don’t understand. I actually think the Kardashians might be like those Twilight vampire people or something. They are just always there! ALWAYS!! 1852, the kardashians were there… 1901, kardashians were there… 1930’s, kardashians were there… 3000’s, kardashians will be there… 

 

 

I’m guessing the only way to get rid of the Kardashians would probably be some kind of ancient silver plated pair of scissors. I am certain there is a special lace thong underwear that has been passed down from generation to generation. You will have to go on a harrowing deathly journey to find the mystical garment, climbing through piles and piles of clothes and make-up and shoes… SO MANY SHOES, only to find a safe. It won’t be easy… but once you figure out how to get into the safe you will find the magical, mystical underwear inside.  You must then cut the thong with the ancient silver plated scissors into tiny little pieces, burn the pieces…. and then bury the ashes deep in the heart of the Bermuda triangle and then maybe… just maybe they will go away! Not likely though…

WHO WORE IT BETTER

Buster or Kim??..

~

 

 

Okay… there is so much more that I want to discuss, but I will have to do a part 2 because this is getting ridiculously long!

 

 

In part 2 we can talk about how in the hell is a racist, sexist, bigot one of the Presidential candidates for this amazing country that has a root system based on FREEDOM! And how rapists that wear funky sweaters get away with rape! I would also like to discuss how actually funny it is that every time someone goes to the theater to watch Star Wars, they have to post a picture of themselves sitting in the theater. My Facebook feed is filled with thousands of pictures of folks sitting in theaters with “hashtag Watching Star Wars!!!” Do they feel like nobody will believe them unless they take a picture? I actually think it is very endearing. I am a fan of Star Wars. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but you know I will most definitely take a picture while I am sitting in the theater and post it to Facebook… saying “Hashtag STAR WARS BITCHES!!!”…

~

Don’t be a Dick!.. It’s Christmas…

Dick walks into the Piggly Wiggly to buy some milk. As Dick is reaching in to get a gallon of milk he notices a big sign that says butter is on a super sale for the Holidays! He walks over to the butter container and reads the big sign. 

 

 

Get your butter today!! Nobody likes a DRY TURKEY for the Holidays!! Happy Holidays from us to you!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

Dick was so upset over the Happy Holidays display, that he decided he needed to calm down. He can not understand why so many people in this world keep saying Happy Holidays! Say Merry Christmas, goddammit. It upsets him very much!! So he heads over to his favorite coffee shop to get a skinny mocha latte half whip with a dash… just a dash of pumpkin spice flavor in hopes to calm down from that horrible Happy Holidays display. He orders his coffee, and as they hand it to him… he realizes that they have replaced his usual festive cup with an offensive red color!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

He was so upset that he actually threw the coffee away. How can he drink coffee out of a red cup with no Santa or snowflakes? It’s barbaric!! 

So far this day has been really rough on Dick. Every where he goes, he has to see things that offend him. This world is falling apart right in front of Dick’s eyes… and he just cant take it anymore. 

 

 

But even though the world is falling apart… Dick needs to eat because he skipped breakfast and now he is starving. He heads to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy with a side of CRISPY hash browns and three strips of bacon. The hash browns better be crispy though. The last time Dick went to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy, crispy hash browns and three strips of bacon… they had gotten a new cook in the back and when they brought his order out to him, the hash browns were not at all crispy. They were only kind of crispy. It really upset Dick. His entire day was ruined over that! Dick really hopes they get it right this time. 

 

 

As Dick gets seated in his usual spot at the restaurant, the hostess tells him that his waitress will be right with him. She tells him it has been a very busy day so please be patient and they will get to him as soon as possible. Dick DOES NOT like the sound of that. He is starving and has already had to deal with so much today… he is not sure he can handle a waitress that is not attentive and ON TIME! As Dick waits for his server to show up, he notices a table next to him has a baby and toddler. This makes Dick a little nervous. He has never been a fan of babies… or toddlers. Or kids at all really. Dick does not want to have to deal with kids while he is enjoying his meal!! 

 

 

Finally the server shows up and as Dick looks up at her, he realizes that he can not tell if the server is actually a “her.” He can not tell if the server is a man or a woman. The server has on pants and a very short haircut which Dick believes would make this person a man, but the server also has on eyeliner… which would make this person a woman! Dick becomes frustrated at not being able to tell what the gender of his server is!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

He is extremely offended at not being able to identify the gender of his server. He is not even sure he can eat his eggs anymore. Dick needs to know if his server has a Penis or a Vagina. It is HIS RIGHT to know!! He is very upset… but decides to order his meal anyway because he doesn’t think he can handle another upsetting thing happening today. He orders his meal and waits patiently for it to arrive. As he is waiting, he starts to hear the table with the baby and toddler getting louder. THIS is exactly why Dick does not like having kids in restaurants where he eats. It is UNFAIR for him to have to listen to the sounds of children while he is trying to eat. The children become louder and louder and the toddler breaks out in a full tantrum. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!

 

 

Dick – OFFENDED

 

 

How dare these people take their kids out to a public restaurant! It is RUDE! He is trying to eat! Dick decides he has had enough and he is LEAVING!!! AND he is not going to give that server a tip. It is his right to know if that server has a Penis or Vagina, and since he can’t tell… then he is not leaving a tip! That will teach that server to walk around looking like that!

 

 

 

As Dick is leaving the restaurant, he looks at the table with the kids and gives them a really dirty look. He can not believe these awful people. There is also a very big group of about 10 people seated in the middle of the restaurant and they are making a lot of noise… but at least they don’t have kids at the table!

 

 

 

Dick has had a very bad day. Many things have offended Dick. He is not even sure he will ever have a good day again because the world is changing and Dick does not like it. He wants things to be exactly the same way they were when he was five yrs. old. 

 

 

 

When Dick was five yrs. old, all he did was play in his front yard with his neighbor friends and go to church on Sunday. His life was very simple. And he wants it that way NOW!!! Dick doesn’t understand why all the other people that are also on this Earth DO NOT do things the way he wants them to be.

 

 

 

Dick is so upset that he decides to go visit his very best friend Jane. Dick and Jane have been best friends since they were children. He loves Jane. She always seems to understand him.

 

 

 

Jane invites Dick in, and Dick begins to tell her all about his troubles. All of the offensive things that the world keeps doing to him!

 

 

 

Jane sits Dick down and explains to him how he is not the only person on this rotating planet. She explains to him that even though the world may have seemed different when he was five yrs. old… it really wasn’t. He was only five so his experiences were very limited. The world has always been this way.  And ALL people are having a different experience. She also explained to Dick that getting offended by such silly things is really only hurting himself. Because people will always do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jane continues on by telling Dick that he is really just being a Dick… and needs to chill out… and that if he stopped noticing so much what other people were doing and instead focused on what he was doing… his day would probably go much better. And he wouldn’t be so concerned about what anyone else chooses to do with their life.

 

 

 

Dick thinks about all that Jane has said. Maybe Jane is right!! Maybe Dick and Jane should just chill!!! Order some pizza, turn on Netflix… and CHILL!!!

 

 

 

Dick thinks that’s a good idea! And now Dick is no longer such a dick…

 

I Love him, I Love him not!.. How to find your person…

It’s not always easy finding that one person that you want to spend all your time with. That one person that just gets you! Understands all of your quirky ways, and loves you anyway. We all want to be loved and accepted exactly as we are right?! And when you find that person… the one that accepts you with all your crazy, and still wants to hang out with you anyway… You keep that person, and don’t let them go!!

 

 

For instance… 

 

 

– Let’s say that you got really sick and had to be put on a very high dosage of antibiotics. And because you were on those antibiotics for a while, you ended up getting a very bad Vagina infection caused by the antibiotics. (it happens)

Now your Vagina area is basically a fiery pit of fiery hell that is ON FIRE!!!… Did I mention the fire?

You call your Doctor, and they tell you to go get some over the counter Vagina medicine and use it. But you are at home and wrapped up in your heated blanket and don’t want to leave.

So you call your guy and tell him the situation. He goes to the store for you, and even asks the store clerk which medicine is the very best for Vagina burn… and he not only buys the Vagina medicine but also brings you a pack of Reese’s pumpkins!

YOU MARRY THAT GUY!!!! You marry him and stay with him FOREVER!!!!

 

If your guy is not afraid to buy Vagina medicine for you and even asks the store clerk what is the very best kind, he is a keeper for LIFE!!

***You should marry him… or at least give him a blow job… (guys love blow jobs).. I totally went there.. 😉 

 

 

– Or if it happens to be that time of the month, and you are crabby AND crampy and not at all feeling good. Plus you have run out of tampons and need some stat!! If your guy stops at the store and gets you tampons, a heating pad, a DVD of the Notebook, AND a container of  Ben and Jerry’s with a side of potato chips… MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY!!!… or at least you could play a game of “sink the sausage” with him!… I would wait until Aunt Flow decides to leave… unless you are one of those “I earned my red wings” type of folks…. Too Far??..

 

 

– If your significant partner always makes sure that YOU “get there first!” Meaning, they make sure that you have reached the top of the mountain before they finish!… Basically they do not stop until you have an orgasm… then trust me, DO NOT let them go!! EVER!!! Especially if they are willing to take however long it needs to take, AND they are willing to do whatever needs to be done to get you there… IE – dressing up like a pirate,  or saying things like “have you been naughty today”… or rubbing whatever needs to be rubbed even if it’s located in a hard to reach spot! I’m saying if a person is willing to do what it takes to get you where you need to go…. KEEP THEM FOREVER!!!

 

 

– If you are sick with the flu, and your partner says “Don’t worry, I’ll cook dinner for the kids.” And even though they can not cook at all so they order a pizza for the kids, but still try to heat you up a can of soup… this is a person you want to keep around!! Don’t let them go… Or least don’t let them go until they pay the pizza guy.. 

 

 

– If your person HATES chocolate cake, but always orders chocolate cake for dessert when you go out to eat together because they know you love it….. Marry that person!!! 

 

 

– We live in a time of equality for all people. It is a great time, and I am a strong believer in equality for all people. But I also am a strong believer in manners. And if you happen to be out with a person (guy or girl)  that holds open the car door for you, or offers you a hand to get in and out of a vehicle that you are having trouble getting in and out of then that is a person with genuine manners for another person. If they hold open a door for you so that you can walk through first, they are someone you want to keep around. 

 

 

– If you just had a baby, and you are feeling not yourself at all. You are feeling fat, and ugly, and you can not seem to find yourself. And your guy looks at you and says to you that “You are more beautiful than you have ever been”… stay with him forever! Because he sees you!!!

 

 

– If you happen to be a person that has tremendous anxiety attacks or a panicky type of nature for the most part. You never know when something could set it off and send you into a tailspin of anxiety. And you happen to be with a partner who is the complete opposite of that, and they tend to have a much calmer nature about themselves. They have never really been able to understand your anxiety at all but when something occurs, they still look at you directly in your face and tell you “Everything will be okay, Everything is alright” over and over and over until you actually calm down enough to believe it… that is a wonderful person and you should not let them go! Actually you should marry them… or at least cuddle with them!!

 

 

– Let’s just say hypothetically that you “accidentally” ran over the jack hole douche nozzle that kept cutting you off, and passing you on the road almost causing a massive car accident that would have hurt a lot of people. You are not sure what to do, and so you call your person and tell them what happened. And instead of lecturing you about how you really need to work on your road rage, they instead help you dig a hole in the backyard. That is the person that you not only want to marry, but you might want to make sure you keep them happy!! They know stuff about you now… 

 

 

– If you are with someone who makes you laugh, and says nice things to you, then you should hang out with them. If you have fun together, and you really like them a lot, stay with them. If your person is the type of person that walks through a store and sees something that reminds them of you, so they buy it for you because they know how much you will love it. Or you are hanging out with a person that smiles and lights up every time your eyes connect. If you catch your person looking at you, and they immediately wink and smile, this is the person that you don’t want to let slip away… Hold on to them as tight as you can! I mean… don’t lock them up in a basement or anything… unless they ask you to of course… 

 

 

 

 

I have been hanging out with my guy for 28 years now! I like him. We like hanging out together, so we do! It’s not always easy, and it’s not always fun… because life can be like that sometimes. But when you find your tribe… your people,… the ones that see you.. I mean really see YOU… those tough times of life become not so tough to face. Finding your people.. the ones that really see you, can truly change your life.

If you have someone in your life that you like hanging out with.. then do it!! It doesn’t need to be anymore complicated than that!!

~

~

~

~

~

~

 

 

 

Dear Fat People…

My 15-year-old daughter asked me to come watch a video today! It was a video that a teenage boy from her school shared on his Facebook page. The video is of a “comedian” pretty much making fun of fat people for six straight minutes. The girl in this video calls it “comedy!” 

 

 

 

After watching the disturbing video, I sat and talked to my 15-year-old daughter who is currently 105 pounds and still thinks she is fat! She thinks she is not good enough and never will be. I don’t know why. I have always told her she is perfect and beautiful just the way she is, but sometimes it’s not enough! On top of the ridiculous standards of society saying that we have to be skinny, blonde and perfect, we have people like this horrible woman who actually chooses to spend her time on this planet spewing ignorance and hate!!! 

 

 

 

I try very hard to keep the communication open with my daughters, but there are some 15-year-old girls out there that have no one. Every single person in their life will tell them they are not thin enough or pretty enough or good enough just as they are. Some girl out there will be told she needs to lose weight if she wants to be pretty! And then we have this asshole come along and put out a video just reassuring them that they are in fact never going to be lovable or good enough.

 

 

Knowing that my 15-year-old daughter watched this, I wonder to myself how many other 15 year olds watched this. And I wonder if this “comedian” even knows, or cares about how many people who will watch her video, and her words will be the last thing they ever hear!! How many people will watch her video and go to the bathroom and throw up as much as they can, or stuff their face full of more diet pills. How many people will cry themselves to sleep, or feel even more unlovable and alone than they did before those words ever hit their ears!

 

 

I wonder if she feels bad at all. If she even cares! 

 

 

 

My guess… She thought to herself how can I get people to look at me? I want to be noticed and nobody is noticing so what can I do?? What can I do to become famous!! Oh I know… I’ll tear apart an entire group of humans that I don’t know anything about, and maybe someone will look at me!

 

 

 

And it worked!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!

 

 

 

 

Well… good for you Nicole Arbour, you got what you wanted. You needed  people to see you and give you attention. I do wonder though, if anyone overdoses on diet pills tonight, or jumps straight off a bridge because of your words, I wonder if it will even bother you!

 

 

The fact is we all would like to believe that some stupid words that an ignorant woman posts on a video wouldn’t have that much effect on anybody. But the truth is, there are many people in this world that do not have a solid self-esteem foundation where they were told their entire life how awesome they are. Some people have completely the opposite. Maybe they were told every day that they suck and will never be good at anything and it takes everything for them to just get up and face another day. How ignorant of this woman to think that her words are nothing more than comedy, and that no one could possibly be affected by them! 

 

 

 

If you want to see some people who will make you feel happy, make you feel loved, and make you feel like you are perfect just as you are. Check out some of these amazing people who are spreading love and acceptance on the internet instead of vitriol and hate just to get some likes.

 

 

 

Veronica Pooh Nash –  I recently came across Veronica Pooh Nash! This woman is so unbelievably amazing. I have never in all my life felt such genuine love come across a video as when I watch this beautiful woman. Every word she speaks comes from love. I would rather have my 15-year-old daughter watch any video from Veronica Pooh Nash and listen to her say “I love you and there is nothing you can do about it”, then ever have my daughter watch another thing that comes from someone filled with such ignorance and hate! 

 

 

 

Meghan Tonjes – Always making videos telling people to love themselves just as they are! A real ground-breaker in the body positive movement!

 

 

The Militant Baker – Another body positive role model. Everything she puts out is telling people to LOVE themselves and letting them know that they are okay and deserving of love exactly as they are!

 

 

Hannah Hart – I have watched Hannah Hart for years! I adore her! In every video she posts, they are filled with love and positivity. She has the most amazing happy presence, and you can feel the happiness through the screen!

 

 

Joshua Evans – He vlogs everyday, and at the end of every single video he posts, he signs off with “Be nice to people!”… What a great message to spread around… 

 

 

Colleen Ballinger – She also vlogs and is the creator of Miranda sings! I have watched her vlogs and she is one of the kindest people.

 

Jenna Marbles – If you haven’t heard about Jenna Marbles you might be living under a rock. She is hilarious and a true comedian. She has made videos for years and never once needed to call people ugly, or fat just to get someone to watch them.

~

~

Laci Green – I LOVE Laci Green videos. I have my daughter watch them just because her message is so powerful and amazing for young girls. You have to check her out!

 

 

If you watch a video or read an article, and after you are done you feel terrible and really bad inside, then something is wrong! You wouldn’t surround yourself with people who make you feel terrible and awful. We call those kinds of people Draining soul suckers for a reason!! Nobody needs that in their life! Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy. Being happy and loving is contagious! And just remember.. you really are perfect just as you are! That is the TRUTH!!!!

~

~

This video response to the Dear fat People video is the best one I have seen so far! Grace Helbig.. another amazing person spreading happiness wherever she can!

~

 

 

                                                                   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What If… the world was Different?

What If??

 

 

Have you ever asked yourself what if the world was a different place? What if everything that you think and do now was completely turned upside down and backwards? How differently would you be treated by other people? How would you be treated by your family? How would you treat others?  I have asked myself this many times. I have wondered if the world was different, if people thought different thoughts than they do now, what would magazine articles look like, and what would movies and television shows portray?

 

 

If the world was different, how would YOU be treated differently than you are treated now?

 

 

What If… 

 

 

WHAT IF girls wanted to be Fat? They wanted it more than anything. Every magazine cover and every Top Model was FAT! Girls never went on diets, and only stepped on scales wishing and hoping that the number would go UP! Every single before and after picture was exactly reversed from every before and after picture you see in this world. Every magazine had an article that read “How to go from FIT to FAT! follow these easy steps!” How would you be viewed in a world like that? How would people judge you and treat you in the world that the epitome of beauty is fatness?

 

 

 

WHAT IF being Gay was normal? What if every family had two dads, or two moms and anyone with a mom and dad is considered weird. As a child growing up, you are told that being straight is a sin!! You have feelings for the opposite gender of you, but nobody understands this. You are a girl, and you fall in love with a boy and you get beat up for it, and thrown out of your family. ONLY boys for boys and girls for girls!! What kind of weirdo falls in love with the opposite gender?!  Every street you walk on you only see girls holding hands with girls, and boys kissing boys. You are afraid for anyone to know that you have fallen madly in love with someone who is the opposite gender. So you hide it. You have lived your entire life seeing only images of happy family’s; being two moms or two dads. NEVER one boy and one girl together. Your attraction and love for the opposite gender has made you feel wrong and shameful. Would you hide in a closet if the world was like that?

 

 

 

WHAT IF men breast-fed babies? The mother still carried the baby in her belly, and pushed it out of her Vagina, and immediately the father started producing milk from his nipples. Right after the baby was born, they hand it over to the father so he can feed the baby. The choice to bottle feed or breast feed is still optional, but they really push the daddies to nipple feed the babies. Nipple is best they say!! When you walked through the store, you see a father feeding his child with his nipples. He prefers to be shirtless because shirts are cumbersome while trying to feed the baby.  Would you still want him to cover? Would it be okay for him to walk around shirtless while feeding his baby?

 

 

 

 

WHAT IF most men were taught to be careful about what they wear. They were told from the time they were young that girls only think about one thing, and all they will ever want from you is sex!! A woman’s Vagina is thought of as her brain because her decisions are totally led by her Vagina!! Men had to be careful about being around a group of girls especially if they are drinking. Men had to worry about walking around alone at night because there could be a strange woman lurking around waiting to rape him. If the man got himself raped, he had to prove that it wasn’t his fault. Especially if he had been drinking at a party. I mean… he was wearing that very revealing tank top. Would you think he was asking for it?

 

 

 

WHAT IF looks meant nothing! Every person looked exactly the same. Every single person was an exact duplicate of each other. There are no different colors of hair or eyes or skin. There are no different cultures or different beliefs. There are 7 billion people on the same planet and ALL 7 billion people look exactly like each other. And every baby born looks exactly the same as every person already here.  It’s all the same. Just a big planet full of humans that are all exact duplicates of each other. No differences at all. Would people hate other people? Would there be racism or sexism? Would there be wars? 

 

 

 

WHAT IF the term “grow a Vagina” was the ultimate term for STRENGTH??!! When you said to someone “stop being a boy and GROW A VAGINA” it meant toughen up. Or “it’s time to ovary up, and BE STRONG!!” If someone was crying and showing weakness they were called a little dick with balls!! What if calling someone manly meant they were weak, and calling them girly meant they were tough! Would you want to be girly then??

 

 

 

Would the world be a better place for YOU if things were different? Would you see things differently and get offended differently than you do now? Would you have different beliefs, and different morals? Would you accept other people differently than you do in this world? Would you love differently than you do now?

 

 

 

In what world would there be no more hate?

 

 

 

What type of world would it take for everybody to love everybody? 

 

 

 

I wonder if this world could become a better world, empty of hatred and full of love… What if…

~

~

I had to throw this in…

Do you want to be PERFECT? Then do what I say!!

Do you want to fit in? Do you want to be perfect? Would you like it if no one ever judged you again?

 

 

 

Well all you have to do is listen to me. Do these things I tell you to do, and you can be perfect! You will fit in, and never be judged again!

 

 

 

1) Do not be TOO fat! This is upsetting to the other humans around you. We must ALL strive to be the exact same weight. No matter what age you are, or what gender you are… We must all weigh EXACTLY the same.

 

 

2) Also do not be TOO thin! Again you will upset other humans. This is bothersome to folks. There is a “Just right” weight! This is what you need to be. The “Just right” weight. Many people like to use “health” as a disguise to judge you if you are not the “just right” weight! So make sure you are the “just right” weight! For optimum Health and Beauty!

 

 

 

3) Do not have more than 2 children. That is utterly selfish!! What do you think this is, a living breathing thriving planet? Well, it’s NOT! So please… DO NOT have more than 2 children. You are mucking up the Earth with your offspring!(preferably one girl and one boy)

 

 

4) Do not have less than 2 children! How dare you think you can have only one child. How utterly selfish of you! What about your child needing a friend? Also, your child will become a spoiled brat.

 

 

5) And to the people who think it is okay to have NO children. How utterly selfish of you!!! And weird.

 

 

6) DO NOT discipline your child in public! You do not want to be seen as abusive do you? It is abusive to discipline in public. Don’t even say “no” to your child in a stern manner. It’s offensive to others.

 

 

7) Be sure to always discipline your children in public!!! You will be seen as a terrible parent that never disciplines your children and spoils them rotten if you do not discipline them in public. You don’t want that do you? If your child is throwing a fit, you better stop them immediately for the comfort of others.

 

 

8) If you are a girl, never wear anything that is TOO revealing. You are just “asking for it” when you wear that v-neck scoop top!!! 

 

 

9) If you are a girl, don’t wear anything too frumpy. It’s just sad and depressing to look at, and people will automatically think you have 5 or 6 cats at home.

 

 

10) To go along with #8 and #9, unless you have a perfectly sculpted body, DO NOT wear a bikini on a beach. If you wear a bikini and you are not perfectly sculpted, you will upset the eyes of fellow humans. 

 

 

11) If you do have a perfectly sculpted body, you can wear a bikini. But remember… if you get raped… YOU ASKED FOR IT!!!!

 

 

12) Always remember  Breast is BEST!! Only a good mother nourishes her baby with breast! But NEVER EVER breastfeed your hungry baby in public! Either find a bathroom stall or let it starve!!! Too many babies are SPOILED BRATS anyway so it will do them good!

 

 

13) Always remember formula is FULL of nutrients and vitamins that help your baby grow to be strong and smart. Formula is BEST! Just make sure you use silicone nipples and not latex ones! Silicone nipples make babies walk and talk faster than all other babies.

 

 

14) If you are a guy, don’t be self conscious. Wearing a T-shirt to the pool is unattractive, and men are supposed to be 100% confident all the time. Or you are not a real man.

 

 

15) Also, if you are a guy, don’t be too in tune to other people’s feelings. It is also not manly. How can you be a man if you understand feelings?

 

 

16) Again for the male gender folks, DO NOT think it is okay to stay home and take care of your children. This means you are a pansy. You do not want to be a pansy do you? If you are a stay at home dad, you DO NOT wear the pants in the family. And we all know that the person that wears the pants is the most important person. 

 

 

17) After you have a baby, make sure to stay at home with them. It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford it, DO IT!! If you go to work while you have children, that makes you completely selfish and it shows you do not care about your kids.

 

 

18) After you have a baby make sure you get a job! Stay at home parents are lazy losers. You do not want to be a lazy loser do you? You need a job! Take care of your kids. Don’t be LAZY!

 

 

19) ALWAYS watch your children every second of every day! DO NOT ever let them out of your sight! EVER!!!! If you look away, you do not love your children and are abusive. You should have them taken away from you immediately!

 

 

20) Make sure to let your children roam free. They do not need supervision. How will they ever learn to be a human being if you don’t let them roam free? You DO NOT love your children and you are abusive unless you let them roam free! You should have them taken away from you immediately!

 

 

 

So there you have it! If you follow this list, you too can be PERFECT and live without judgement. People might stare at you, but don’t be alarmed… it is only because they want to be just like you and hope they can also achieve perfection the way you have!!

 

 

 

**This post is brought to you by Satire! As a matter of fact it is dripping with sarcasm, and ridiculousness as well.

 

 

You can choose to follow this list, or you can be who you are and do what makes you happy! You are going to get judged either way… so you might as well enjoy it!

 

 

7 Billion people on this floating planet, and they all want things to be their way! What are you going to do?!

~

~

~

~

~

~

 

I Believe In…

I Believe in Independence.

 

I Believe in eating vegetables.

 

I Believe in walking in the woods on a crisp fall day.

 

I Believe in coffee…with lots of sweet cream.

 

I Believe in eating chocolate (and peanut butter M & M’s.)

 

I Believe in not peddling my bike downhill after an excruciating uphill trek. 

 

I Believe in dolphins… How can you not (and puppies.)

 

I Believe in sunshine. 

 

I Believe in walking in the rain and feeling the drops from the sky. 

 

I Believe in laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath.

 

I Believe in standing at the edge of the ocean and feeling the waves crash at my feet.

 

I Believe in LOVE…so so much I believe in LOVE!

 

Loving the people in my life! My sexy, sweet man (I like my man the same way I like my coffee).. and my adorable sometimes cranky children. My sweet friends, and even acquaintances. I believe in LOVE probably more than I believe in anything. 

 

 

What I don’t Believe in is..

 

 

Telling other people how to live their life.

 

Telling another person what they should eat.

 

Telling another person what they should wear.

 

Telling another person how they should feel.

 

Telling another person how they should think.

 

Telling another person what they need to believe in.

 

Telling another person WHO TO LOVE or HOW TO LOVE!

 

 

It’s fairly simple really. More than anything I am against anyone who crosses over into another humans life and hurts them or alter’s their journey on this floating rock! Fundamentally we are all having a different experience on this Earth. Which makes all of our beliefs and thoughts different from each others.

 Your right as a fellow human being ends the moment where someone else’s rights begin.

Basically Don’t rape! Don’t murder! Don’t molest children! Keep your hands to yourself. This is the most basic law of Humanity!

 

 

 

Your beliefs are the sum of your experiences on YOUR journey. Which is why it makes it really impossible for ME to make any kind of judgement on someone else’s journey.

 

 

This is YOUR road!

 

 

This is YOUR journey!

 

 

 I prefer to keep my business where it belongs…on my own journey!

 

 

One thing…  we all know that at the end of the story, at the end of the road…LOVE will always win over hate. 

 

 

Love always Wins!  as it should be…

 

 

I Believe in Love! I Choose Love!