30 Dec 2015 3 Comments
20 Dec 2015 10 Comments
08 Dec 2014 11 Comments
It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!! In all honesty though, …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…
Children vs. Adults:
– The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-
CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!
CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??
ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..
– Christmas lights on houses –
CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!
CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!
ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!
–Santa in the Mall-
CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!
ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…
(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)
–Stockings hung by the fire with care-
CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!
ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..
–Christmas shows on T.V.-
CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..
ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..
–Leaving Santa cookies and milk-
CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!
ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!
Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…
CHILD SEES – I’M SO EXCITED!!!!I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND READY TO HAVE FUN!!!!!
ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….
So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier. And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!
11 Feb 2014 16 Comments
I don’t know why this happens to me…. but for some reason, every Valentines day I end up having to go and see my Vagina doctor. It just always works out like that. Us ladies have to go to the doctor once a year, and get our vagina’s looked at. It’s just one of those things that comes along with having a vagina. It has it’s very own special doctor. So every year on Valentines day…. I get myself all ready, shave my legs, and underarms, put on my good smelling lotion(because anyone putting their head anywhere near my vagina gets the good smelling lotion.) It’s just polite ya know. 😉
So here we are again…. Valentines day has come around. Considering every year my date happens to be a dude looking in my Vagina, I like to refer to that day as Vagintines day! It’s been a thing now for the last few years because every year, I am certain I am getting some action down there. Now maybe it is not the kind of action a girl really looks forward to…. but my doctor has this nifty warming thing that warms up that evil silver tongs tool that makes the experience a little less awful.
I still like to go to my happy place when I have to let out the girls (my boob sacks)… yep… I said sacks…. anyway, I still like to go to my happy place when he is giving them the squishy squeezies because it’s just awkward ya know. I mean… my boobs are not as perky as they used to be. Okay… I lied… they were never really “perky.” Listen… they were working boobs for many years. After 4 kids sucked the ever loving life out of them…. they lost their uhmpph, if you know what I mean. They have worked hard and deserve retirement. In other words…. as I am lying there while the doc is doing his thing… I am focusing on trying to prop those bitches up with my arms so they don’t fall in my armpits and disappear. The one thing I do not want to hear from the doctor is… “Um, I can’t find your boobs? Where did they go?” What a nightmare that would be!!
I know some folks really do not look forward to Valentines day. I get it. I mean a day that focuses on Love and being in love, and finding love and all of that…. it can be very irritating to the folks that either have no desire to be in love, or really just haven’t found that right person yet.
My theory of the whole thing is this… you want to get lucky on Valentines day…. make your pap smear appt. on February 14. You will get lucky every damn year!!!!
I have some tips for you though.
Tip 1 – I still don’t shave above the knee for the Vagina doctor…. but depending on who your doctor is, and how much you like them, you might want to. I always forget to shave the actual knee though. Don’t forget to shave the knee ladies.
Tip 2 – Stop using bar soap right now!!! Just do it!!!! Seriously….. think about the first thing you washed in the shower…. now think about the last thing you washed. Now picture the person that was in the shower before you, and imagine the first thing they washed, and the last thing they washed. … Where do you think all those little hairs come from?… yeah… you are welcome!!! Stop using the bar soap!!
Tip 3 – Tip number 2 has nothing to do with Valentines day. Just a little friendly advice.
Tip 4 – Buy lots and lots of chocolate. If you receive chocolate from someone…. awesome. But you need to ensure that you will have back up chocolate. If you happen to not receive any chocolate, you then can pull out the chocolate you already purchased…. Draw a heart on the package…. Hide in the closet… (for the sole purpose of NOT SHARING) and polish off that MOfo!! EVeRY LAST BIT!!!
Tip 5 – It couldn’t hurt to also take some Vodka into the closet with you. Now I know some of you are like “Oh but that seems all alcholic-ish and what not.” But listen, you are already in there with your chocolate, you might as well take the rest of the party in there with you. Think of it as playing hide and seek…. You against the world.
So yeah…. with these tips… your valentines is sure to be the best day ever…. maybe not….
HAPPY VAGINTINES DAY EVERYONE!! ❤
I found some Valentines that I wanted to share with you.
This video was my daughter’s idea. She thought it would be funny to show you all what an idiot I am. So yeah….here it is….my attempt at trying to play a video game.
03 Dec 2013 29 Comments
There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need for you to know. Do you realize how much I need you. especially now, in these times of such hardships. Yesterday, the high was -2. Negative 2 degrees!!! This was the high for the day.
You are the only one that understands me. The only that has EVER really understood me and my needs. I know I have forgotten about you. Packed you away and stuffed you in the back of the closet before when times were…”sunnier”….and there was even that time that I forgot where I put you, and searched and searched through the whole house, only to find you stuffed under a christmas bin that had been put in the room under the stairs. Even after all that….you still came back to me with your warmth.
Except for that one time. I know, I know…I don’t want to bring it up either, but you need to know how much that hurt me. I was broken hearted after ” the incident.” I pre heated you because I knew it was going to be a damn cold night. I went about with my nightly activities, putting the kids to bed, having a late night snack, all the while just knowing that you were getting ready for me. I have always trusted that you would be nice and hot for me. I turned out the lights and without even checking jumped right in and wrapped up in you, but it was cold! So so cold! Not even a hint of warmth came from you! You were just so cold! I even shivered.
What happened? Why did you lie to me? I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way. Nothing but cold all around me! You had officially burned out. You left me heated blanket, when I needed you most….you just left. That was a sad day. A very COLD sad day.
I knew that day would come eventually, but I thought I had more time. I just thought you had more to give. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I know you felt used. I know you think I only turned you on when I was cold…and you are probably right about that. But do you have any idea how often I get cold. Like I am freezing at 65 degrees. Which is why I always knew you were the perfect match for me.
Your warmth has made me a better person. Trust me. I’m a bitch when I’m cold!! But the time has come. I must replace you. You no longer have the ability to heat me up the way you used to. We have so many memories but that is all they are now….memories.
There is a new heated blanket in my life. It has digital buttons, and fancy gadgets, and a new fangled pre heating system that would blow your mind. I just needed you to know heated blanket that….well…..I always Loved you…and I always will!! And please don’t think of it as you failed me….even though you did….because I will never forget our times together. You were my best Friend! Heated Blanket…I Love you! ❤
I hope you all had the BEST Thanksgiving and ate lots of delicious food! I made a video for you. Here is sneak peek at my Thanksgiving! ~ Just for fun!!
22 Oct 2013 31 Comments
If I sit down at a restaurant and I ask for coffee, and you bring me decaf…You are dead to me.
If I am in the grocery store buying 2 or “more” bottles of Vodka, and 2 or “more” containers of Ben & Jerry’s, and you ask if I am having a party… then you are dead to me! This is a normal night bitch! Don’t judge…
If I am walking to my car, and you look over the fence to inform me about how high my grass is getting, then you are dead to me.
Blankets that are too short, when you pull them up over your shoulders, and your feet poke out… they are dead to me. I wanted a blanket, not a napkin.
If you sneeze without covering within a 1/2 mile radius of where I am… Dead to me.
When I am walking by a door and my shirt gets caught on the handle and basically pulls me back so hard that I practically decapitate myself… then that door handle is dead to me.
If I am eating a Ben & Jerry’s and you ask me to share, then you are dead to me! Even though you are now dead… for future reference the list of NO SHARE items is this: Cupcakes, Ben & Jerry’s, beverages, any and all products containing chocolate! Memorize it Bitch!
Paper in a notebook without a perforated edge. Dead.
Relish… you are dead to me!!… You are the nastiest thing ever created! And to be honest, to me you were never alive.
If you come into the same public restroom that I am in, and you walk into a stall, make some noise that comes out of your ass… then exit the stall, and keep on going WITHOUT washing your damn hands, then you are dead to me! And now I am fucking stuck in the bathroom because I am NOT touching that door.
The last bit of coffee that gets cold before I get to it is dead to me. DEAD!
If I am sitting at a red light, and look over to see you with your finger so far up your nose it looks like you are touching your brain then you are dead to me.
If you flush the toilet without closing the lid first, then you are dead to me. And you just got poop on everything!
Calories are dead to me! I am sick and tired of them trying to attach themselves straight to my ass!
The 3rd leg down on the right side of my couch is dead to me. It has been for a long time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not stub my toe on it!!
My Itunes password is dead to me!… Literally… dead! I can NOT remember that damn thing to save my life!
If I am in a theater and you are sitting behind me and you prop up your nasty ass shoes on the chair I am sitting in, first… you need to get those mofo’s away from my head, and secondly… you are dead to me.
If you used the very last of the toilet paper, and didn’t even bother to put a new roll on, you are dead to me!
This cough due to the cold I have been walking around with for 2 weeks now is dead to me.
If you are walking through a door in front of me and you don’t even bother to hold it open, but instead just let it go and it slams me in the face, then you are dead to me as is the door.
If I come over to your house for dinner, and you are preparing raw chicken in front of me and DO NOT wash your hands before touching everything else, then you are dead to me. Now I have to go hungry… so thanks a lot.
If you invite my kid over to your kids birthday party, and send my kid home with a whistle… then you are dead to me, and that whistle is dead to my kids because it is now in the bottom of the trash!( and payback sucks!)
The laundry that I forgot about in the washing machine is now all moldy and is smelling dead to me.
When I am trying to drink out of a straw, but it refuses to actually go in my mouth but instead plays the “you can’t catch me” game and bounces around all over my face, then the straw is dead to me.
Any object that I drop, and bend down to pick up just to drop again is dead to me. I only bend over once bitch!
Anything that has more than 4 legs is dead to me! And your imminent death is a certainty!
My 8 yr. olds farts are dead to me…. actually they are killing the environment they are so bad! What the hell is this kid ingesting because the gas he emits in the air is killing the ozone…
Chocolate and Vodka are dead to me!!! Whaaaaaa????…Just kidding! I wanted to make sure you were still listening! 😉 are you??… Then you should watch this video! It’s the Halloween Ghosty special I made just for you! ~
13 Mar 2013 2 Comments
What can I say about neighbors. You either like them…or you don’t! Some people are really lucky and can buy ranches or lots of acres and don’t even have to really have neighbors. But even the ones that don’t have neighbors, probably did at one point in their life. We all know how it goes…some are good, and some are not. Some keep to themselves, and some really just don’t!! Through the years, I have had some doozies. The first apt. that the husband and I had together was pretty much a dive. It was bad! It was a triplex thing above a whole bunch of garages. Which now when I think back was actually a really bad idea considering we were probably inhaling everyone’s car fumes. Now I know why I kept dreaming about crazy ass turkeys chasing me. I swear that dream haunted me through the 90’s. Friggin crazy turkeys hunting me down! Anyway..I will never forget those neighbors. I remember the day she came over and was like…”um, hey…so we have no power, so I was wondering if we could use a cord and plug into your apt?” OKay! I guess so. Well, 8 months later the big orange cord that ran from their apt. to ours was still plugged in, but it had been there so long it was becoming part of the cement. That was just our first introduction into neighbor land. Since then we have lived in apartments, and duplexes and had many different experiences along the way. Met some people that are still friends and still in our lives, and ones that I am happy to say are not! You all know what I’m talking about right?? The guy across the street that you have seen his butt crack WAY, WAY too many times to count, or the lovely lady next door that continually let’s her pooch crap in your yard, because she thinks you like it!! So this leads me into our most recent story. ( names and address withheld for security purposes) *wink wink…anyway, so this neighbor has this thing that she likes to do. Basically she sits out at night and maybe has a cigarette or something, to be honest I am not exactly sure what she is doing, but the idea is that she sits outside in the dark, sort of crouched down where no one can see her. She does this crap ALL THE TIME!! Like you never know when she is there. It seriously sucks because usually if you know people are around you can at least be discreet about things. If you need to adjust your “whatever” then you can take a quick look around and make sure no one is looking and do your thing…but not with “crouching tiger” in the neighborhood. That is what we call her. “crouching tiger” because you have no idea when she is there and what she possibly just witnessed until it is too late. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here…she is very nice, and I don’t have any issue with her personally. It’s just that I always seem to forget that she could possibly be lurking about and I do shit thinking no one is watching. Then I look over and eye contact happens and I’m like “CRAP!” She saw me. We have sort of an on-going joke about it…It goes something like this..(.Yell at your kids – I’ll be there!) ( Cuss at the dog – I’ll be there) ( slip on the ice – I’ll be there) (adjust your unders – I’ll be there)! The list goes on…There is no escape from lingering eye balls! I would love to hear some crazy neighbor stories from all of you. Bring on the worst…