I’m Angry… Really Angry!

Here it is, a few days after Christmas and almost a brand New Year to start things fresh, and all I feel is anger! Coursing through every vain in my body. And no matter how many times I try to deny it, or not feel it… I can’t seem to make it go away. 
 
 
It makes me feel bad. I know we are suppose to be happy, joyous and always choose to feel love. But sometimes things happen in our lives. Things that makes us feel angry. Things that make us sad. Those feelings are just as real as feeling happiness and joy. They are just as real and all consuming. The problem is that when you have anger and rage inside of you, you also feel like it’s wrong. You are not suppose to have those feelings because those are the wrong feelings. They are the feelings of the “bad” people. Good people are always happy and feel love for all things. And because you feel wrong, you spend so much time trying to figure out how to get out of that feeling and change it to happiness so that you aren’t “wrong.” 
 
 
Well… I have decided to call BULLSHIT on this! Right now at this time in my life.. I am ANGRY!!! I am really really angry. 
 
 
I have tried to meditate, but every time I sit down I feel the anger rising up into my throat like bile. I have tried to watch happy, thought provoking videos and two minutes into the video I am wanting to throw the screen out my front window. I have read article after article about how to be happy inside. I have tried to change this feeling in so many ways, twist it around to see it differently, change the story in my mind and NONE of it is working. 
 
 
So I have decided to do something different this time. I have decided to feel angry. Just feel every bit of what I need to feel. Take it in… write it out… feel it!!! Because this is how I feel right now. Being angry is not wrong. It just is! It’s part of being human and living life. Maybe the reason I can’t get past it, is because I keep feeling guilty and wrong about it. 
 
 
I don’t want to do that anymore. I choose to feel this because it is the truth of where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe not. But right now… this is my truth.
 
 
I am angry because every time I sit down to write, a feeling of fear comes over me and so I get up and distract myself with other things instead of writing.
 
 
I am angry because I am avoiding myself.
 
 
I am angry because I’m afraid.
 
 
I am angry because when I started writing, I knew I had found a big part of myself that was lost… and now I feel lost again.
 
 
I am angry because trying to keep a blog going on the Internet is no different than dealing with high school mean girls and cliques. We are all basically saying the same thing… it’s who is popular that gets the votes! (true story!)
 
 
I am angry because the top trending story right now is how many Christmas presents that Kanye bought Kim… REALLY???!!!! Is this really the world we live in right now??
 
 
I am angry because people are fake and fickle! (including me).. obvs
 
 
I am angry because the day after Christmas my bathtubs and sinks were full of poo water due to the fact that my septic tank backed up and it cost $400.00 to fix it…. ON THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!! bleh…
 
 
I am angry that I buy into the fact that I’m not good enough just as I am. That even though my amazing Husband tells me I’m gorgeous every single day… I can’t believe him. I still feel like I need to lose weight, or go on a diet. 
 
 
I am angry that people do not have enough courtesy or respect when they are sick to STAY AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO GET SICK!!! 
 
 
I am angry because every time I eat a Reese’s, I feel like I did something bad! WHY should I have to feel like I am a bad person for eating something?  Can we just stop making people feel bad for what they eat??
 
 
I am angry because I spent a lot of money for Christmas on people that are not appreciative and could care less!! ( and I am not talking about my kids… I’m talking about grown ass adults that should know better.) 
 
 
I am angry because they are selfish.
 
 
I am angry because people don’t see things the way I see them! Why not?? Why can’t they understand my way is the right way!! (I’m totally kidding you guys!!)… I’m not kidding though…
 
 
I am angry when I have to be around grown ass adults that have NO manners!
 
 
I am angry for being angry that people are not reacting the way I think they should. I know better than this. Expecting people to react the way I think they should is not only stupid but completely pointless. 
 
 
I am angry because all the reasons that I am angry are MEANINGLESS. Truly meaningless. I am angry because I am angry and I don’t want to be.
 
 
But maybe being angry is how I realize and appreciate when I am not angry. Maybe this anger is what helps me to put into perspective the things that bring me such true happiness and joy.
 
 
For Instance:
 
 
Watching my kids open up their Christmas presents on Christmas morning and seeing their faces light up because they got something that they have wanted for a very long time.
 
 
Giving my Husband a handmade card that I drew myself (let me clarify… I SUCK at drawing! Like REALLY REALLY SUCK)… but I did it anyway because it was something that I really wanted to make for him. And it actually looks half way decent. It also made him tear up and I could see how happy it made him… which was everything to me!
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(I’m not even kidding you guys.. I totally made this myself! Just call me fucking Leonardo da Vinci and shit!!)
 
 
Having a person in your life that truly and deeply sees you. I don’t mean in that surface fake way either. Loving someone is wonderful… but understanding them is profound!
 
 
So… I am trying to say that it’s okay to be angry sometimes!! If you are feeling angry, maybe don’t try so hard to change it… just feel it. Feel it and then move on. Get a better feeling. Maybe the only way to the better feeling is through the anger.  So strap on a helmet and jump in! Swim around in it until your fingers get all pruney…
 
 
 
Geronimooooooo!
mf
 
 
 
 

Don’t be a Dick!.. It’s Christmas…

Dick walks into the Piggly Wiggly to buy some milk. As Dick is reaching in to get a gallon of milk he notices a big sign that says butter is on a super sale for the Holidays! He walks over to the butter container and reads the big sign. 
 
 
Get your butter today!! Nobody likes a DRY TURKEY for the Holidays!! Happy Holidays from us to you!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
Dick was so upset over the Happy Holidays display, that he decided he needed to calm down. He can not understand why so many people in this world keep saying Happy Holidays! Say Merry Christmas, goddammit. It upsets him very much!! So he heads over to his favorite coffee shop to get a skinny mocha latte half whip with a dash… just a dash of pumpkin spice flavor in hopes to calm down from that horrible Happy Holidays display. He orders his coffee, and as they hand it to him… he realizes that they have replaced his usual festive cup with an offensive red color!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
He was so upset that he actually threw the coffee away. How can he drink coffee out of a red cup with no Santa or snowflakes? It’s barbaric!! 
So far this day has been really rough on Dick. Every where he goes, he has to see things that offend him. This world is falling apart right in front of Dick’s eyes… and he just cant take it anymore. 
 
 
But even though the world is falling apart… Dick needs to eat because he skipped breakfast and now he is starving. He heads to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy with a side of CRISPY hash browns and three strips of bacon. The hash browns better be crispy though. The last time Dick went to his favorite restaurant for his usual meal of two eggs over easy, crispy hash browns and three strips of bacon… they had gotten a new cook in the back and when they brought his order out to him, the hash browns were not at all crispy. They were only kind of crispy. It really upset Dick. His entire day was ruined over that! Dick really hopes they get it right this time. 
 
 
As Dick gets seated in his usual spot at the restaurant, the hostess tells him that his waitress will be right with him. She tells him it has been a very busy day so please be patient and they will get to him as soon as possible. Dick DOES NOT like the sound of that. He is starving and has already had to deal with so much today… he is not sure he can handle a waitress that is not attentive and ON TIME! As Dick waits for his server to show up, he notices a table next to him has a baby and toddler. This makes Dick a little nervous. He has never been a fan of babies… or toddlers. Or kids at all really. Dick does not want to have to deal with kids while he is enjoying his meal!! 
 
 
Finally the server shows up and as Dick looks up at her, he realizes that he can not tell if the server is actually a “her.” He can not tell if the server is a man or a woman. The server has on pants and a very short haircut which Dick believes would make this person a man, but the server also has on eyeliner… which would make this person a woman! Dick becomes frustrated at not being able to tell what the gender of his server is!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
He is extremely offended at not being able to identify the gender of his server. He is not even sure he can eat his eggs anymore. Dick needs to know if his server has a Penis or a Vagina. It is HIS RIGHT to know!! He is very upset… but decides to order his meal anyway because he doesn’t think he can handle another upsetting thing happening today. He orders his meal and waits patiently for it to arrive. As he is waiting, he starts to hear the table with the baby and toddler getting louder. THIS is exactly why Dick does not like having kids in restaurants where he eats. It is UNFAIR for him to have to listen to the sounds of children while he is trying to eat. The children become louder and louder and the toddler breaks out in a full tantrum. THAT IS ENOUGH!!!
 
 
Dick – OFFENDED
 
 
How dare these people take their kids out to a public restaurant! It is RUDE! He is trying to eat! Dick decides he has had enough and he is LEAVING!!! AND he is not going to give that server a tip. It is his right to know if that server has a Penis or Vagina, and since he can’t tell… then he is not leaving a tip! That will teach that server to walk around looking like that!
 
 
 
As Dick is leaving the restaurant, he looks at the table with the kids and gives them a really dirty look. He can not believe these awful people. There is also a very big group of about 10 people seated in the middle of the restaurant and they are making a lot of noise… but at least they don’t have kids at the table!
 
 
 
Dick has had a very bad day. Many things have offended Dick. He is not even sure he will ever have a good day again because the world is changing and Dick does not like it. He wants things to be exactly the same way they were when he was five yrs. old. 
 
 
 
When Dick was five yrs. old, all he did was play in his front yard with his neighbor friends and go to church on Sunday. His life was very simple. And he wants it that way NOW!!! Dick doesn’t understand why all the other people that are also on this Earth DO NOT do things the way he wants them to be.
 
 
 
Dick is so upset that he decides to go visit his very best friend Jane. Dick and Jane have been best friends since they were children. He loves Jane. She always seems to understand him.
 
 
 
Jane invites Dick in, and Dick begins to tell her all about his troubles. All of the offensive things that the world keeps doing to him!
 
 
 
Jane sits Dick down and explains to him how he is not the only person on this rotating planet. She explains to him that even though the world may have seemed different when he was five yrs. old… it really wasn’t. He was only five so his experiences were very limited. The world has always been this way.  And ALL people are having a different experience. She also explained to Dick that getting offended by such silly things is really only hurting himself. Because people will always do what they want to do regardless of what anyone else thinks. Jane continues on by telling Dick that he is really just being a Dick… and needs to chill out… and that if he stopped noticing so much what other people were doing and instead focused on what he was doing… his day would probably go much better. And he wouldn’t be so concerned about what anyone else chooses to do with their life.
 
 
 
Dick thinks about all that Jane has said. Maybe Jane is right!! Maybe Dick and Jane should just chill!!! Order some pizza, turn on Netflix… and CHILL!!!
 
 
 
Dick thinks that’s a good idea! And now Dick is no longer such a dick…
mf
 

Children vs Adults! ..Christmas Edition

It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!!  In all honesty though,  …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…

 
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Children vs. Adults:

 

The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-

 
CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!

 

 

Black Friday-

 
CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??

 
ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..

 

 

Christmas lights on houses –

 
CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

 
ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!

 
Christmas Commercials-

 
CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!

 

 
ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!

 

 

Santa in the Mall-

 
CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!

 
ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…

 
(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)

 

 

Stockings hung by the fire with care-

 
CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!

 
ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..

 

 

Christmas shows on T.V.-

 
CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..

 
ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..

 

 

Leaving Santa cookies and milk-

 
CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!

 
ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!

 

 
Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…

 

 

Christmas Morning-

 
CHILD SEES – I’M SO EXCITED!!!!I HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY!!!! I AM AWAKE AND READY TO HAVE FUN!!!!!

 
ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….

 
So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier.  And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!

 

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Happy VAGintines Day!~ <3

I don’t know why this happens to me…. but for some reason, every Valentines day I end up having to go and see my Vagina doctor. It just always works out like that. Us ladies have to go to the doctor once a year, and get our vagina’s looked at. It’s just one of those things that comes along with having a vagina. It has it’s very own special doctor. So every year on Valentines day…. I get myself all ready, shave my legs, and underarms, put on my good smelling lotion(because anyone putting their head anywhere near my vagina gets the good smelling lotion.) It’s just polite ya know. 😉

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So here we are again…. Valentines day has come around. Considering every year my date happens to be a dude looking in my Vagina, I like to refer to that day as Vagintines day! It’s been a thing now for the last few years because every year, I am certain I am getting some action down there. Now maybe it is not the kind of action a girl really looks forward to…. but my doctor has this nifty warming thing that warms up that evil silver tongs tool that makes the experience a little less awful.

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I still like to go to my happy place when I have to let out the girls (my boob sacks)… yep… I said sacks…. anyway, I still like to go to my happy place when he is giving them the squishy squeezies because it’s just awkward ya know. I mean… my boobs are not as perky as they used to be. Okay… I lied… they were never really “perky.” Listen… they were working boobs for many years. After 4 kids sucked the ever loving life out of them…. they lost their uhmpph, if you know what I mean. They have worked hard and deserve retirement. In other words…. as I am lying there while the doc is doing his thing… I am focusing on trying to prop those bitches up with my arms so they don’t fall in my armpits and disappear. The one thing I do not want to hear from the doctor is… “Um, I can’t find your boobs? Where did they go?” What a nightmare that would be!!

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I know some folks really do not look forward to Valentines day. I get it. I mean a day that focuses on Love and being in love, and finding love and all of that…. it can be very irritating to the folks that either have no desire to be in love, or really just haven’t found that right person yet.

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My theory of the whole thing is this… you want to get lucky on Valentines day…. make your pap smear appt. on February 14. You will get lucky every damn year!!!!

 

I have some tips for you though.

 

Tip 1 – I still don’t shave above the knee for the Vagina doctor…. but depending on who your doctor is, and how much you like them, you might want to. I always forget to shave the actual knee though. Don’t forget to shave the knee ladies.

Tip 2 – Stop using bar soap right now!!! Just do it!!!! Seriously….. think about the first thing you washed in the shower…. now think about the last thing you washed. Now picture the person that was in the shower before you, and imagine the first thing they washed, and the last thing they washed. … Where do you think all those little hairs come from?… yeah… you are welcome!!! Stop using the bar soap!!

Tip 3 – Tip number 2 has nothing to do with Valentines day. Just a little friendly advice.

Tip 4 – Buy lots and lots of chocolate. If you receive chocolate from someone…. awesome. But you need to ensure that you will have back up chocolate. If you happen to not receive any chocolate, you then can pull out the chocolate you already purchased…. Draw a heart on the package…. Hide in the closet… (for the sole purpose of NOT SHARING) and polish off that MOfo!! EVeRY LAST BIT!!!

Tip 5 – It couldn’t hurt to also take some Vodka into the closet with you. Now I know some of you are like “Oh but that seems all alcholic-ish and what not.” But listen, you are already in there with your chocolate, you might as well take the rest of the party in there with you. Think of it as playing hide and seek…. You against the world.

So yeah…. with these tips… your valentines is sure to be the best day ever…. maybe not….

HAPPY VAGINTINES DAY EVERYONE!! ❤

I found some Valentines that I wanted to share with you.

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This video was my daughter’s idea. She thought it would be funny to show you all what an idiot I am. So yeah….here it is….my attempt at trying to play a video game.

 

An open Letter to my Heated Blanket:

Heated Blanket,

 
There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need for you to know. Do you realize how much I need you. especially now, in these times of such hardships. Yesterday, the high was -2. Negative 2 degrees!!! This was the high for the day.

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You are the only one that understands me. The only that has EVER really understood me and my needs. I know I have forgotten about you. Packed you away and stuffed you in the back of the closet before when times were…”sunnier”….and there was even that time that I forgot where I put you, and searched and searched through the whole house, only to find you stuffed under a christmas bin that had been put in the room under the stairs. Even after all that….you still came back to me with your warmth.

 

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Except for that one time. I know, I know…I don’t want to bring it up either, but you need to know how much that hurt me. I was broken hearted after ” the incident.” I pre heated you because I knew it was going to be a damn cold night. I went about with my nightly activities, putting the kids to bed, having a late night snack, all the while just knowing that you were getting ready for me. I have always trusted that you would be nice and hot for me. I turned out the lights and without even checking  jumped right in and wrapped up in you, but it was cold! So so cold! Not even a hint of warmth came from you! You were just so cold! I even shivered.

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What happened? Why did you lie to me? I trusted you, and you betrayed me in the worst way. Nothing but cold all around me! You had officially burned out. You left me heated blanket, when I needed you most….you just left. That was a sad day. A very COLD sad day.

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I knew that day would come eventually, but I thought I had more time. I just thought you had more to give. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I know you felt used. I know you think I only turned you on when I was cold…and you are probably right about that. But do you have any idea how often I get cold. Like I am freezing at 65 degrees. Which is why I always knew you were the perfect match for me.

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Your warmth has made me a better person. Trust me. I’m a bitch when I’m cold!! But the time has come. I must replace you. You no longer have the ability to heat me up the way you used to. We have so many memories but that is all they are now….memories.
There is a new heated blanket in my life. It has digital buttons, and fancy gadgets, and a new fangled pre heating system that would blow your mind. I just needed you to know heated blanket that….well…..I always Loved you…and I always will!! And please don’t think of it as you failed me….even though you did….because I will never forget our times together. You were my best Friend! Heated Blanket…I Love you! ❤

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I hope you all had the BEST Thanksgiving and ate lots of delicious food! I made a video for you. Here is sneak peek at my Thanksgiving! ~ Just for fun!!

YOU are dead to me…

If I sit down at a restaurant and I ask for coffee, and you bring me decaf…You are dead to me.

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If I am in the grocery store buying 2 or “more” bottles of Vodka, and 2 or “more” containers of Ben & Jerry’s, and you ask if I am having a party… then you are dead to me! This is a normal night bitch! Don’t judge…

 

 

If I am walking to my car, and you look over the fence to inform me about how high my grass is getting, then you are dead to me.

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Blankets that are too short, when you pull them up over your shoulders, and your feet poke out… they are dead to me. I wanted a blanket, not a napkin.

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If you sneeze without covering within a 1/2 mile radius of where I am… Dead to me.

 
When I am walking by a door and my shirt gets caught on the handle and basically pulls me back so hard that I practically decapitate myself… then that door handle is dead to me.

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If I am eating a Ben & Jerry’s and you ask me to share, then you are dead to me! Even though you are now dead… for future reference the list of NO SHARE items is this: Cupcakes, Ben & Jerry’s, beverages, any and all products containing chocolate! Memorize it Bitch!

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Paper in a notebook without a perforated edge. Dead.

 
Relish… you are dead to me!!… You are the nastiest thing ever created! And to be honest, to me you were never alive.

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If you come into the same public restroom that I am in, and you walk into a stall, make some noise that comes out of your ass… then exit the stall, and keep on going WITHOUT washing your damn hands, then you are dead to me! And now I am fucking stuck in the bathroom because I am NOT touching that door.

 
The last bit of coffee that gets cold before I get to it is dead to me. DEAD!

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If I am sitting at a red light, and look over to see you with your finger so far up your nose it looks like you are touching your brain then you are dead to me.

 
If you flush the toilet without closing the lid first, then you are dead to me. And you just got poop on everything!

 
Calories are dead to me! I am sick and tired of them trying to attach themselves straight to my ass!

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The 3rd leg down on the right side of my couch is dead to me. It has been for a long time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not stub my toe on it!!

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My Itunes password is dead to me!… Literally… dead! I can NOT remember that damn thing to save my life!

 
If I am in a theater and you are sitting behind me and you prop up your nasty ass shoes on the chair I am sitting in, first… you need to get those mofo’s away from my head, and secondly… you are dead to me.

 
If you used the very last of the toilet paper, and didn’t even bother to put a new roll on, you are dead to me!

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This cough due to the cold I have been walking around with for 2 weeks now is dead to me.

 
If you are walking through a door in front of me and you don’t even bother to hold it open, but instead just let it go and it slams me in the face, then you are dead to me as is the door.

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If I come over to your house for dinner, and you are preparing raw chicken in front of me and DO NOT wash your hands before touching everything else, then you are dead to me. Now I have to go hungry… so thanks a lot.

 
If you invite my kid over to your kids birthday party, and send my kid home with a whistle… then you are dead to me, and that whistle is dead to my kids because it is now in the bottom of the trash!( and payback sucks!)

 
The laundry that I forgot about in the washing machine is now all moldy and is smelling dead to me.

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When I am trying to drink out of a straw, but it refuses to actually go in my mouth but instead plays the “you can’t catch me” game and bounces around all over my face, then the straw is dead to me.

Any object that I drop, and bend down to pick up just to drop again is dead to me. I only bend over once bitch!

 
Anything that has more than 4 legs is dead to me! And your imminent death is a certainty!

 

 

My 8 yr. olds farts are dead to me…. actually they are killing the environment they are so bad! What the hell is this kid ingesting because the gas he emits in the air is killing the ozone…

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Chocolate and Vodka are dead to me!!! Whaaaaaa????…Just kidding! I wanted to make sure you were still listening! 😉 are you??… Then you should watch this video! It’s the Halloween Ghosty special I made just for you! ~

 

 

Neighbors!

Peek A Boo

 

What can I say about neighbors. You either like them…or you don’t! Some people are really lucky and can buy ranches or lots of acres and don’t even have to really have neighbors. But even the ones that don’t have neighbors, probably did at one point in their life. We all know how it goes…some are good, and some are not. Some keep to themselves, and some really just don’t!! Through the years, I have had some doozies. The first apt. that the husband and I had together was pretty much a dive. It was bad! It was a triplex thing above a whole bunch of garages. Which now when I think back was actually a really bad idea considering we were probably inhaling everyone’s car fumes. Now I know why I kept dreaming about crazy ass turkeys chasing me. I swear that dream haunted me through the 90’s. Friggin crazy turkeys hunting me down! Anyway..I will never forget those neighbors. I remember the day she came over and was like…”um, hey…so we have no power, so I was wondering if we could use a cord and plug into your apt?”  OKay! I guess so. Well, 8 months later the big orange cord that ran from their apt. to ours was still plugged in, but it had been there so long it was becoming part of the cement. That was just our first introduction into neighbor land. Since then we have lived in apartments, and duplexes and had many different experiences along the way. Met some people that are still friends and still in our lives, and ones that I am happy to say are not! :/ You all know what I’m talking about right?? The guy across the street that you have seen his butt crack WAY, WAY too many times to count, or the lovely lady next door that continually let’s her pooch crap in your yard, because she thinks you like it!! So this leads me into our most recent story. ( names and address withheld for security purposes) *wink wink…anyway, so this neighbor has this thing that she likes to do. Basically she sits out at night and maybe has a cigarette or something, to be honest I am not exactly sure what she is doing, but the idea is that she sits outside in the dark, sort of crouched down where no one can see her. She does this crap ALL THE TIME!! Like you never know when she is there. It seriously sucks because usually if you know people are around you can at least be discreet about things. If you need to adjust your “whatever” then you can take a quick look around and make sure no one is looking and do your thing…but not with “crouching tiger” in the neighborhood. That is what we call her. “crouching tiger” because you have no idea when she is there and what she possibly just witnessed until it is too late. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea here…she is very nice, and I don’t have any issue with her personally. It’s just that I always seem to forget that she could possibly be lurking about and I do shit thinking no one is watching. Then I look over and eye contact happens and I’m like “CRAP!” She saw me. We have sort of an on-going joke about it…It goes something like this..(.Yell at your kids – I’ll be there!) ( Cuss at the dog – I’ll be there) ( slip on the ice – I’ll be there) (adjust your unders – I’ll be there)! The list goes on…There is no escape from lingering eye balls! I would love to hear some crazy neighbor stories from all of you. Bring on the worst…

 

LOUISE ALLAN

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