Well folks…it’s that time of year again. Where we all have to go out to the crazy ass stores and buy a shit ton of crap that nobody needs or even wants. We have people over that we usually try and avoid most of the time, but it’s Christmas…so now you have to sit at the table with them and talk about the weather, their job, and how much gas costs. Aweswome!
The stress of the Holidays hits everyone. We all feel it at some point. Buying gifts, and sending out a billion cards, and baking a truck load of cookies. It’s a lot of work in one month to try and live up to the standard of a “Happy Holiday!” Whatever that means. I personally do not believe any of that has anything to do with having a Happy Holiday. Side note: I am not saying Happy Holiday because of the “oh no I am offended” BS that is sweeping the nation. If you get offended because of the way someone wished you a holiday greeting…it is most definitely time to re evaluate your priorities.
Anyway….I was thinking about the Holidays and how I wanted to write a blog post that had something to do with Christmas and all of the holiday activities that we are all involved in right now. I thought about maybe posting recipes. Then I laughed my ass off! NOBODY wants a recipe that comes from me…trust me! Then I considered writing about ways to alleviate holiday stress, and all I could come up with was Vodka. I mean let’s get real folks….Vodka will cure what ails you!!
So as I was thinking about how I was going to write up a beautiful holiday post that may possibly be helpful, or really inspiring to people…..this is what came to my mind. You all know the beautiful holiday song the twelve days of Christmas right? I know you do! It has been around forever. That song has been sung by numerous people…myself included, and it has wonderfully illustrated lyrics that really take you to the place of understanding love at Christmas time. Well…I changed it up! I decided to put a little spin on the song…you know….spice it up a bit. My version though….is more about what you DON’T want to give your true love for Christmas.
Have you ever gotten that gift that you just hated. I mean…you appreciate the thought…but the gift…HATE!!! Well, here is some ideas that I think would be terrible gifts. Like really, really BAD gift ideas. In other words….DO NOT get your true love these gifts, because surely…your true love will NO longer be your true love by January 1st. The next year, you will be flying solo my friend. Take some friendly advice and listen to the new lyrics. You can sing it in your head if you like:
On the first day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: A fucking herpe…
On the second day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the third day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the fourth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the fifth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and a fucking herpe….
On the sixth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the seventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…
On the eight day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 8 Dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…
On the ninth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 9 Nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’TS”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the tenth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts”, 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the eleventh day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe….
On the twelfth day of Christmas my True Love gave to me: 12 Relatives showing up without fucking calling, 11 kid’s a screaming, 10 toilets plugging, 9 nipple twisters, 8 dog’s butt scooting, 7 smooshy skidmarks, 6 farts a laying, 5 “OH NO YOU DIDN’Ts” , 4 lame ass texts, 3 stinky socks, 2 shitty candles, and A fucking herpe…..
There you have it folks!! Twelve of the WORST gifts you could ever give your True Love. Seriously….don’t do it!! It’s not a good idea.
I wish you all The Merriest of Christmas’s and Happiest of Holiday’s EVER!!~ Of course I made a video for you. Vagina had a Christmas get together. Check it out!! ~
Ooops, I Said Vagina... Again.. 