You can’t Handle the Truth!!

 

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From the wise words of Spongebob Squarepants…. “Don’t be a jerk… It’s Christmas!!” I say let’s make that don’t be a jerk EVER! How about that? Just stop being a jerk. Here’s the thing… we can all be a jerk sometimes. It just happens. I truly am an asshole. I’m not kidding when I say that. I am a very sensitive asshole. It’s just who I am. I denied it for many years, and then one day I thought to myself, “I am sick and tired of hiding who I truly am to please other people.” So the asshole emerged and here I am. It doesn’t mean I walk around being shitty to people. Not intentionally anyway. There are those times when a person acts like a jerk…. it happens… but if you are purposely walking around treating people shitty just because it makes you feel better, then stop it! What makes others see me as a “bitch” isn’t because I go around trying to bring others down. It’s because I am sick of bullshit excuses, and in the end, I’d rather be honest. Why is it so frowned upon just to be honest to people?

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Let me explain what I am saying here….. You get a phone call from a “friend” that wants you to go out with them on Friday night to a bar. The truth is, you really don’t want to go to a bar on Friday night, you just want to sit at home and eat an entire container of Ben and Jerry’s and watch New Girl! And to be completely truthful, the “friend” that wants you to go out with them is the type of person that when you are with them(after a few drinks), all they do is talk about themselves constantly and think they know everything… so it never ends up being a good time. It just isn’t your cup of tea. But if you tell this friend the truth of it, they are going to be offended and get mad at you because you don’t want to go out with them. I understand that telling this person they are the most un-fun person to hang out with would make you an asshole…. but why can’t you say, “No thank you, I would rather eat ice cream and watch t.v”? Suddenly you have to become a grand story teller and weave some lies together saying, “Oh sorry… I am certain to have diarrhea that night and will be shitting on the toilet for an eternity so I can’t go.” Would that offend them less? What kind of BS is this? What the hell is wrong with honesty? My favorite thing to do in life is eat ice cream and watch New Girl. I have NO desire to sit in a bar on a Friday night and listen to someone talk about themselves for three hours. But if I simply say “Nah. I’m not feeling it.” Then I’m the asshole. They are all pissed off because I didn’t do what THEY wanted me to do.

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If you get pissed off at someone because they don’t do something that YOU want them to do… it is time to re-assess yourself. Let’s just say you want to go fishing, and you decide that you are going to invite your friend to go fishing. Let’s just say that I am that friend. You call me and say “Hey…do you want to go fishing?” And what I want to truly say is “Um… no…. It sounds dreadful. I don’t like fishing. I don’t like fish. I don’t like ponds, and nasty fucking fishing poles and worms and whatever else the frick goes along with fishing. Why the fuck would you even ask me a ridiculous question like do I want to go fishing with you? Do I even look like a person that would have anything to do with a fish? Doesn’t my lipstick and the way I style my hair give away the fact that I probably do not get on a stupid ass boat and go fishing? I don’t even like to touch raw meat, and when I shop in the grocery store, I cover my hands with a plastic bag before ever grabbing any kind of raw meat because I know damn well those meat guys in the back have touched the outside of the package with their nasty raw meaty hands and I am not touching it!!! Not to mention, the fact that I prefer to sit in my house and hang out with my electric blanket!! So the answer to your question is no….. No I would NOT like to go fishing with you!” But I can’t say that because I would then be labeled an asshole. I’m just trying to say that if you get mad at someone because they declined your request, maybe it is time to take a step back and look at why you are upset that they are not doing YOUR thing. Maybe they don’t like to fish… Or maybe they just don’t want to. Why should I feel like I have to lie so the person is not mad at me?

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I am over it!!! Go ahead and be pissed off. Be stuck up. Keep that stick right up your ass because you know what? I’m done lying. I won’t lie just to cushion your fragile mind. Sometimes, my life is bigger than you. Sometimes, I get to choose what I do for whatever reason I choose to do it. And if the truth is too harsh for you to handle (I’m not trying to quote Jerry McGuire), too bad. You are living some sad life away from this little thing called REALITY and UNDERSTANDING. That’s all I’m trying to say, really. Let’s be realistic and understanding of one another. Some people like parties while others like the couch. Deal with it. If you can’t, well then, that’s really YOUR problem. See….I’m an asshole!

 

But I did make a video for you!! ~

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21 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 10:12:35

    I was 1000% (one thousand, I say) with you until the fishing part. NEVER diss fishing!

    I’m an asshole, too.

    And poop.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 10, 2013 @ 10:19:41

      hahahahahaha!!! I’m sorry Fearless Leader!! I understand! I guess the fishing thing only applies to certain folks. 😉 And you know what….you get me Fearless…you really do!! Poop right back at ya…

      Reply

  2. Sofia Leo
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 10:28:23

    I’ll take my couch and Mr. Right Toasty over floating around in a boat trying to kill innocent fish any day! Also, I’m an asshole, too 🙂

    Reply

  3. Fearless Leader
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 10:43:42

    My love of fishing has apparently struck a nerve.

    Remember this, All Ye Naysayers: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he’ll sit in a boat all day and drink beer.

    So there!

    Fish. Fear. Me.

    Fish poop.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 10, 2013 @ 11:04:16

      hahahaha…would it be too weird for me to say I Love you Fearless!! Not in a weird way I promise!! I don’t want to scare you and the fish away….maybe the fish…. POOP!!!

      Reply

  4. REDdog
    Dec 10, 2013 @ 17:32:17

    Asshole my naked ass! You’re a breath of fresh air and anybody who thinks you’re an asshole for calling it like it is, is an asshole, but not in a good asshole kinda way like we are…ASSHOLES UNITE! And, can anybody please explain why I now have the irrestistable urge to say poop?

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 10, 2013 @ 19:28:41

      Oh my gosh REDdog!!! I LOVE this comment!!! ASSHOLES UNITE!!! And thank you so much. I have missed you the last few posts. So glad you stopped by. POOP!!! 😉 😉

      Reply

      • REDdog
        Dec 10, 2013 @ 19:31:51

        Yeah, sorry ’bout that, Vag, disappeared up my own arse there for a bit…I’m back!

      • Vagina
        Dec 10, 2013 @ 19:46:39

        I’m glad you’re back! Sometimes we need to step away. I completely get it! Life just gets at you sometimes ya know. So glad you are back! 😉

  5. Lisa
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 10:25:32

    Vagina, I do have THAT friend! I think of it as a one-way friendship because she always needs me to listen to her but could care less about me! Not that I even bother trying to fill her in. Well, I’ve kind of adopted this philosophy of which you speak myself in the past couple of years. With three kids I just don’t have extra time to give to people who just want an audience! I’ll still be her friend b/c she’s not a bad chick, I just can’t hang in that way anymore! And by the way, you are not an asshole! You are hilarious and really, really real!!! I love it!!! It is crazy that the realest person I know is halfway across the country! If you were in driving distance, believe me we’d be fighting over the last of that Ben & Jerry’s and watching New Girl together!!!! And I loved the video!!! Hoods up for Vagina!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 12, 2013 @ 23:18:58

      Lisa….I really do Love you so much!!! Your comments always make me feel better. I never feel like it’s complete until I hear from you. 🙂 I have people like this in my life, and it has taken me years to get to the point where I finally say listen…I just don’t want to do that anymore. That’s when you truly realize who it is that is “real” in your life. Some people will take off if you are not completely involved in them, but that’s how you know that it probably wasn’t healthy anyway, and it’s better off if they go. I would rather lose a friend than be lying and actually be miserable every time I am around them ya know. I am definitely at a place in my life where I want to have people around me that want to be here. We can enjoy each other and have a great time. I am going to make it out East one day!!!….You will be the first one I come and see! Then we will go and get some real Maple syrup! That is at the top of my list…;)

      Reply

  6. pouringmyartout
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 11:53:15

    umm… I saw a comment you made on List of X’s blog. And I made a joke about seeing the words: ‘vagina says’… and he said you were funny and I should check you out. And when somebody says I should check a vagina out, well, who am I to argue with that… so here I am… and he was right and you do seem funny and I will have to poke around inside here… okay… that sounded wrong… but I think we are going to become friends because we both might be crazy… and mostly I just want an excuse to type the word vagina a whole bunch of times.
    Oh, and as per this post, I think we should all have colored lights and give gifts and dress up and eat good food and be nice to each other for 11 months out of the year. Then we can be assholes and jerks for one month… to blow off steam… I suggest we do that during December… because that is funny.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 12, 2013 @ 23:24:02

      You my friend…are BRILLIANT!!! I love the idea of getting to be an asshole for the month of December. It’s the perfect time! We have to let out some of that Holiday rage that comes with Christmas. I am so glad you decided to stop by. I have seen you around Le Clown’s place. I visit him often as well. I love it when he tells me to fuck off! You can type vagina as many times as you like! Actually I am a firm believer that vagina’s are magical and possess super powers, so if you believe….truly believe in the Vagina…great things can happen. 🙂 And don’t worry about poking too much…Vagina’s are used to that kind of treatment…I guess that didn’t sound right either….

      Reply

      • pouringmyartout
        Dec 13, 2013 @ 09:01:39

        vaginavaginavaginavaginavaginaviggingiavingainaging…
        I may have lost focus at the end there. I can only type vagina for a brief time… or not more than twice a day… without having to rest and rebuild my strength. But when I was younger I could type vagina all day and all night.

  7. ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 16:17:46

    Honey, most people DON’T like fishing, you know what fishing is code for? Sitting around outside (aka being able to have a cigarette without being asked to leave) and having a beer by a lake. But you can’t just say “I’m going drinking by a pond” or else people organize meetings to make you stop.
    But if you say “I’m going FISHING” then you’re into sports. Not an alcoholic. Same with golf, put a golf club in your hand, boom: Athlete, not boozehound.
    You can’t just put ‘day drinking’ as a hobby anymore, unforch.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 12, 2013 @ 23:29:36

      Yeah….that’s too bad. Think about the possibilities if they actually made day drinking a sport. I mean, it could be taken all the way to the olympics, and just think of how fun it would be just preparing for the BIG DAY!!!

      You know what’s funny…the whole fishing thing wasn’t just a metaphor….it actually happened. That’s a true fuckin story! hahaha….friggin people be wanting to take me fishing and shit!! WHAT THE HELL!!! I don’t even want to day drink by a pond! I would rather day drink on my couch. I’m more of an indoor girl. I like a toilet…

      Reply

  8. Mal Content
    Dec 12, 2013 @ 22:09:23

    Oh, I just came here to ask if you wanted to go fishing with me, but… This is awkward now. I’ll show myself out.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 12, 2013 @ 23:31:41

      You don’t have to leave. I mean….NO, I don’t want to go fishing, but there is a lot of other things we can do. There is so many fun things to do that don’t actually involve fish at all. I also have Vodka…sooooooo

      Reply

  9. mishmawshandotherthings
    Jan 05, 2014 @ 09:50:10

    This is so true why do we beat ourselves up and make up bullshit excuses, if we are just flat honest who cares if we are percieved as an asshole. I would much rather be thought an asshole that is happy than an unhappy asshole. Oh I am Mrs. Fearless Leader and I do not mind at all that you love him, someone has to lol.

    Reply

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LOUISE ALLAN

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