Fucking Neighbors…(not literally)..

I’m not really a neighbor person. I try to not really get into things with them. Listen, I don’t want to come across as a complete asshole here… but I am. So yeah. Haven’t you ever had those times when you just want to be able to walk from your car to your house with your groceries without having to stop and make small talk? I don’t have the patience or the energy for small talk. I have 4 kids, and a lot of shit I have been procrastinating on, and I need to keep procrastinating on it, but I can’t if I have to stop and talk about the fucking weather, or why our grass is so high they can’t see the mountains in the distance. Well…. get a telescope!! So I decided to come up with a list to help you out. This is a list of things you can do to ensure that your neighbors will never ever talk to you. You can walk from your car to your house without the lingering threat of having to talk. Try them all, or just use a few… but they are all guaranteed to make sure you will be left the fuck alone!

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1) Your lawn is high, and you have been putting off mowing it. The neighbors have been giving you the “look” of disapproval over the fence. So you figure… fine I’ll mow the yard. Make sure you are completely naked! NOTHING but headphones. You may have to hold your Ipod, or you can use one of those arm things. Just make sure you have the headphones because if anyone decides to yell anything at you… you can’t hear them. This will work for a push mower or a riding mower. Either way, but you may want to clorox wipe the seat on the rider afterwords.

naked lawn

2) Keep your door open and bark at anyone that walks by. Don’t just bark… growl viciously, meow, chirp, and even howl. You can do all of them in a systematic way, or just at random.

 

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3) Visit your local junk yard, and find yourself the oldest nastiest toilet you can find. Also pick up an old shower, and you can even throw in a sink. Considering it is a junk yard, you are going to get some screaming deals on all of it. Set up the fake bathroom right smack dab in the middle of your front yard. I would make sure and put the toilet and shower facing the neighbors house. They really can’t complain because technically they are “lawn decorations.”

 

toilet-power1

4) Occasionally use the lawn bathroom! Now remember… it is not an actual working bathroom, so you will have some cleaning to do after you use it…. but hold off on the cleaning for a while. That will really ensure no neighbors coming around.

 

twin toilets

5) At Christmas time, don’t put lights on the house. Decorate the lawn bathroom! Light that bitch up!!

 

christmaspotty

You can get really festive and add in some personnel touches here and there, like this colored toilet paper…They will appreciate the effort I am sure…

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6) Put a mattress on the roof and then have sex on it. It is your choice if it is with a partner or with yourself. Just make sure you are loud!

 

roof  bed

7) Hang a bunch of skeletons in your trees by nooses. Only take them down during Halloween time. Once Halloween is over… right back up they go.

 

evil_skeleton_tree_by_shadowfox012-d4g4y5s

8) Build a gazebo right next to your lawn bathroom that is completely built out of pizza boxes. Sort of like a shrine to your most favorite pizza joint. You can even take it one step further and build some benches and lawn furniture out of the pizza boxes. No cheating and using things like wood, and nails. It has to be out of pizza boxes. I promise… you will be taken right off the neighborhood barbecue list. You might be put at the top of the neighborhood watch list as the person to watch… but… it’s worth it.

 

Box_fort_by_asilentbob

9) If someone is actually brave enough to walk up your driveway to confront you, (because there is always that one guy)… just make sure that you have posted on your door a visible note that says: “I just got home from the Division of infectious disease at the hospital. I am not feeling well, so please knock lightly on the door. Side note- if you have already touched the door knob, please strip down immediately and follow these instructions on how to decontaminate. You only have 5 minutes from the start of reading this message. Thanks and have a great day.” I bet they won’t knock.

 

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10) And last but not least, you can send out invites to all the neighbors for a dinner that you are hosting. Make sure and let them know that you will be serving Dick Salad for the main course. Most people like to know in advance what is being served. You can let them know that after they fill up on Dick salad you have plenty of vagina ice cream for dessert. Add that the Vagina ice cream is made with “real” Vagina’s…no fillers here! Β You will probably have lots of dick salad left because no one is showing up to your dinner party. πŸ˜‰

CockSandwich

YOUR WELCOME! πŸ™‚

If you find yourself in a situation where you are still having to talk, or interact with people…then I say just run for it!! Run for the door. That’s it, as they start talking….just take off in a full on run and don’t stop. Keep running…just like Forrest Gump, and don’t stop until you get inside. Then pour yourself a nice big glass of anything, and watch this video!

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. erikamsteele
    Oct 15, 2013 @ 11:50:18

    Reblogged this on Feigned Affections and commented:
    Why couldn’t she be one of my neighbors? I mean I still wouldn’t talk to her, but we wouldn’t have to go through the effort it takes to convince people that they don’t want to talk to you.

    Reply

  2. REDdog
    Oct 15, 2013 @ 17:33:16

    Vag, You’re quite the hottie in the kitchen, aren’tcha? And the legend of Buster grows and grows. Hey, if you’re taking video requests, I reckon you should totally get footage of you riding around on that mower, it might even whittle down your blog audience (cyber neighbours) to just the serious Vagina addicts. Love yer shit. REDdog

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 15, 2013 @ 20:52:36

      REDdog, you are right about one thing…it would probably whittle down the audience! I’m not sure anyone wants to see my ass on a mower….clothes or not! πŸ˜‰ Thank you for your compliment. I appreciate your comments very much. Glad you like the videos. I have a few ideas for some more. I added a link to the side of the page for the videos. I may be addicted to making videos. haha

      Reply

  3. lisaeggs
    Oct 16, 2013 @ 10:31:53

    Best Video Ever! I needed that! I love how you call it “Chunky Style”. And I really appreciate your signature hood-up look πŸ™‚ #7 was hilarious. I would be scared to use such vibrant shades of toilet paper!!!!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Oct 16, 2013 @ 16:10:06

      hahaha..I would be scared too. Can you imagine walking around with a red or green butt. It’s like when you lick a colored Popsicle and your tongue turns colors. I would just keep thinking that happened to my butt every time I used it. O.O I am so glad you like the videos. I was actually super self conscious about this one. After I posted it, I kept thinking my voice sounded so weird. If I ever talk in the videos again, I am getting a voice over. Like Angeling Jolie or something. Not that she would do it….But it would be waaaay better than my voice! πŸ˜‰ Thanks for noticing the hoodie thing. I actually started that in the first video and my daughter kept saying, you should wear your hoodie. It could be your trademark! So I figured why not try and be cool with a trademark and stuff…..I know it doesn’t technically make me a cool kid….but I can try…;)

      Reply

      • lisaeggs
        Oct 17, 2013 @ 08:19:45

        Heather, your voice was great! I love when you say, “You don’t want to overdo the greens”. HA! I think you should do a monthly cooking segment or a tutorial on something. We could all send you our requests! As far as I’m concerned, we are the cool kids!!!! πŸ˜‰ My husband was loving this post, I kept trying to get him to comment but he’s such a chicken when it comes to commenting!!!!

      • Vagina
        Oct 17, 2013 @ 10:53:26

        hahaha..I would totally do requests! I would love it if your husband commented. I bet he is super cool just like us because obviously he married well! πŸ˜‰

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