Children vs Adults! ..Christmas Edition

It’s that time of year again folks. When everything is lit up, and people are smiling and happy, and there is Christmas cheer to be had by everyone!!  In all honesty though,  …this can also be the most stressful time of year for many folks. I am without a doubt on the top of that list!!! It is officially mid December and I have not bought one single gift for anyone, I have barely put up the tree,…and the stockings are NOT hung by the fire with care. I’m behind, I’m broke, …and I need a drink! Preferably some spiked egg nog!! It’s funny because when I was a kid, I saw Christmas in such a different way. The entire thing was so magical to me. Everything! I Loved Christmas! As I have gotten older, …my views on Christmas have changed. I am not a super grinch, but damn….It’s hard not to be!! So I compiled a list of how children see Christmas vs. Grown Ups! It’s the most wonderful time of year folks…


Children vs. Adults:


The day after Halloween all the decorations up in the store-

CHILD SEES – YAAAAY!!!That means I should start my list soon!! I don’t want to run out of time and get it in late!!

ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!! really??… I just took these people trick or treating!! GO AWAY Christmas decorations…you’re making me feel bad!



Black Friday-

CHILD SEES – Yesterday was so fun! I ate turkey and pie!! Mom…can I have pie for breakfast??

ADULT SEES – Well let’s see…..Do I take the hatchet or the football gear?! hm..



Christmas lights on houses –

CHILD SEES – When are we getting our lights up mom?? Can you do it tonight?? PLEEEAASSSE!! And can we go get our Christmas tree NOW?!…PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

ADULT SEES – Oh Shit!!! I loaned the ladder to Joe’s sister last spring and she never gave it back. Bitch!! Oh crap, …Last year I stepped on the lights trying to get them off the house because they were frozen to the roof. I bet I have to buy all new lights again this year! Dammitt!!

Christmas Commercials-

CHILD SEES – That’s cool!! I like it! I am definitely putting that on my list!


ADULT SEES – What is that??!! And where the hell am I going to be able to find a stuffy mcstufferton that turns into a battle star galactica spaceship, ..that also turns into a sleeping bag, which also turns into a doll house/play oven thing!! I have never seen that in any store EVER! Awesome!!



Santa in the Mall-

CHILD SEES – LOOK!! It’s SANTA!! I Love him SO MUCH! He is the greatest EVER!!!I hope he knows I’ve been good all year!

ADULT SEES – Ew! Okay…that Santa looks pervy to me. Why couldn’t the store find someone that doesn’t look pervy!!Kids…we’re not sitting on Santa’s lap this year. Just wave from here…

(There is an exception with this one! Most kids are afraid of Santa until they reach a certain age. Some kids NEVER want to sit on his lap! I don’t blame them)



Stockings hung by the fire with care-

CHILD SEES – I love my stocking! My favorite is opening up my stocking first thing on Christmas!

ADULT SEES – Did these stockings get bigger since last year?? They look bigger to me.. *sigh..



Christmas shows on T.V.-

CHILD SEES – *Staring at the t.v mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!…It’s actually mesmerizing..

ADULT SEES – *Staring at the t.v. mesmerized by Rudolph’s shiny nose!!… It’s actually mesmerizing..



Leaving Santa cookies and milk-

CHILD SEES – MOM…did you get the cookies on the plate for Santa? We need to leave carrots for the reindeer, …and I think Santa likes chocolate milk best!

ADULT SEES – um…can we use the cookies that I made instead of the ones that you made!? Blink, Blink, Blink.. And I think Santa would like this chocolate milk. It’s a special kind. For grown ups!


Disclaimer – I love my kids…but I DO NOT trust the cookies that they make. Those grubby little hands are GROSS! and yes…the special chocolate milk is Baileys!! Don’t judge…



Christmas Morning-


ADULT SEES – I haven’t slept in 24 hours… Holy crap I think I’m hallucinating! I need some coffee….or crack! Crack cocaine might work better…
KIDS!!! can we go back to bed until tomorrow…pleeeeeaasssseee….

So there you have it! Christmas through a child’s eyes as opposed to a grown ups eyes. Last year after Christmas I was taking down all the decorations and decided that I would rather become Jewish. I think taking down decorations when you are Jewish is SO much easier.  And why does that Santa bastard always get all the credit?!!








11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Dec 08, 2014 @ 11:51:35

    I HATE to fucking shop. Gift cards for everyone! And I hope they don’t spend the whole five bucks at once. 😀


    • Vagina
      Dec 08, 2014 @ 11:54:49

      Or you could just send them all a nice big picture of your ass and say “Merry Christmas from The Leader of the Dumbasses!”… It’s the gift that keeps on giving…


  2. lisaeggs
    Dec 08, 2014 @ 12:01:17

    HAHA! Merry Christmas, Vagina!!!! The things that really trip me up are the stockings and that darn shelf elf. I think I have everything ready to go, and without fail I remember there is nothing for the stockings!!!! Do I search around the house for something to throw in there or do I make the dreaded Christmas Eve trip to Walmart at 11:30 at night? Neither are good options!!!! Then there’s that elf. My daughter is reeeeeeally into the elf scene. I mean big time. I think it’s kind of cute but I am really bad about remembering to move it!!!! I’ve forgotten twice already and had to make some lame excuse like “oh I was up all night in the living room watching a Sherlock marathon so I guess the elf never had a chance to move without me seeing it, sorry!” I do wish you a great Christmas Vagina!!! I hope you get showered with presents and eat tons of great food!!!! Merry Christmas, love ya, Heather!!!!


    • Vagina
      Dec 08, 2014 @ 12:15:01

      Aww Thank you! ❤ ❤ I send tons of Happy wishes your way for a wonderful, blessed Christmas and New Year!

      And I have shoved apples from the fruit basket in my kids stockings before! They were like….ahh man….fruit!? I told them maybe Santa was trying to give them a message about eating better! 😉 It didn't work though…


  3. Joy Christi
    Dec 08, 2014 @ 12:05:29

    Hahaha nailed it! This is what every parent goes through. I hate Thanksgiving but the day after? That is my jam! PIE FOR BREAKFAST on paper plates!! It’s unreal how happy paper plates & leftovers makes me. Did I mention I hate cooking? More than decorating plastic trees. This is why spiked eggnog was invented.


    • Vagina
      Dec 08, 2014 @ 12:17:47

      Oh YES!!! The inventor of spiked egg nog was some poor mom and dad that had been up all night trying to wrap presents!! and Paper plates are the greatest invention EVER!!! Especially after Thanksgiving!! Also plastic spoons because for some damn reason I am constantly running out of spoons….


  4. Scott
    Dec 08, 2014 @ 13:13:05

    Me and the twins used to leave Santa buffalo chicken. I have to say I was quite proud of that tradition.


  5. beckysaysthings
    Dec 10, 2014 @ 02:39:43

    Love it 🙂 And you’ve made an excellent point – why DOES that Santa bastard get all the credit?? I spent THREE HOURS shopping for my friend’s 4 year-old at the weekend. Will I get ‘Thank you so much for spending so much time carefully thinking about my present, Auntie Beck’? Will I hell. I’ll get ‘Ooooooo look what Santa bought me and then gave to Auntie Beck to deliver like some kind of festive postman slave.’
    It’s just not RIGHT.


    • Vagina
      Dec 11, 2014 @ 09:10:12

      I completely agree!!! It drives me nuts that bastard gets the credit!! And it’s always the good gifts that he gets credit for. I think this year, …I am going to put all the socks and underwear from Santa, and anything really cool is coming from me!! 😉 😉


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