Every year our family gets together, makes popcorn and hot cocoa, …and watches A Year Without a Santa Claus! I have loved this show since I was a child myself, and my kids look forward to it every year. It’s a big deal in our house because it’s like the Holidays just aren’t complete unless we have watched the snow miser and heat miser have it out!
This year, as I was watching with my kids, I snuck some Baileys in my hot cocoa, and I may have poured a tad bit too much in my cup!…okay…the cup was filled with Baileys. The entire cup…to the top!
So as I was sitting there in my “relaxed” state, I saw The Year without a Santa Claus in a whole new way! Here is The Year without a Santa Claus….courtesy of Bailey’s!
It starts off with Santa basically having a major existential crisis! I mean…he’s losing it! None of the people believe in him anymore, and he’s been spending all his time making toys for these ungrateful bastards. What does it all mean?? What is the purpose of everything?? So Santa decided …ah fuck it…I’m staying in bed!!
Momma Claus is having none of it!! Santa…you drink too damn much, and you think too damn much! GET OUT OF BED and take care of your responsibilities! It’s not like you can even get your clothes IN the laundry basket! Do I have to do everything around here?! I guess I do!!! Me and the reindeer are sick of doing EVERYTHING!!!
Momma Claus goes to the elves and reindeer and says…. “Honestly you guys…Santa is a slacker!! Can you please help me out! I’m so pissed at him right now! I swear I have to do everything. Can you PLEASE just go find some friggin Christmas cheer somewhere so he will stop feeling sorry for himself and get his ass back to work! I mean…he can’t even deal with ONE day of work!! ONE damn day out of 365!!”
So off they go! First they meet up with some bratty kids talking about.. “We don’t believe anymore!” Then they make their way to the mayor who is a complete douche nozzle. I mean this guy is like arrogant as fuck, and he is basically laughing in there face! Total ass face!
So he says in his very sarcastic way…”yeah…you bring some snow here, and I’ll believe in Santa Claus but until then, I believe in nothing but my damn self… and money. I believe in money.”
At this point…Momma Claus realizes SHE is going to have to step in because Santa is just not handling his business! So She decides to take matters into her own hands. She puts on the suit and BOOM…..All of sudden she realizes how much she actually likes wearing the suit!! Momma Claus is now having her very own identity crisis!! Oh no…maybe she LIKES being a man just a little too much!
They cut back to the elves in the work shop…and WOW..More like “sweat” shop!!!
As the elves are down trying to find some Christmas cheer somewhere, they end up meeting up with a cop who starts giving them a ticket for riding a reindeer down the street! um….abusive power by cops!!!! Not cool!!!
In between all of this….Santa finds out about the elves and reindeer taking off and decided to get his ass up and go get them. Instead he ends up at the school with the kids. He’s totally creeping on them!!
In the mean time….
Momma Claus hatches a plan to fix everything by making it snow. The mayor will have to believe if it snows. So she heads over to meet up with the ice guy. Is it not obvious to anyone else that he is cooking meth up in there?! I mean…that place has meth lab written all over it! All those ice crystals floating around the air!! Dudes a cook! He’s “Walter Whiting” it up in there!
Momma Claus pleads with him because she is sick of Santa’s bullshit, …and freeze miser aka (meth guy) says… “fine…You get my drunk ass brother to agree then I’ll help you out.”
Okay…so off she goes to heat miser’s place. His smokers voice has gotten bad, but on top of that, …how much wine has this obvious wino ingested! Every word is a slur. His friends call him “smoke a bowl.” Man…he’s crabby….and he’s also butt hurt because Santa apparently favors his meth head brother best! It’s due to all that snow and cold business that Walter White aka freeze miser is all about. Santa likes the snow…what are ya gonna do!! Anyway…Mr. Wino smoke head has some serious self esteem issues, and REFUSES to help out! He’s not having it!!
Momma Claus is pissed and is done dealing with these ass biscuits. She decides to go over their heads and take it to the Momma Vagina!! They will be sorry now!
Super hippie Mother Nature is going to put everyone in their place and she does not have time for this nonsense. She needs to water her vegetables, and tend to her flowers, She also has a date with Father Time and she has to get her self ready! He was able to find some seriously potent weed. Mother Nature and Father Time are planning on getting high and binge watching Weeds!!
The one thing I can’t figure out is how the hell she pushed those GINORMOUS heads through her vagina. When they are standing next to her, …she is about the size of their foot! Man, birthing those monsters must have sucked for her!! Anyway….they all start bickering and she is sick of it! She makes a crash of lightning strike right between the two and every one STOPS!! If I could make a bolt of lightning strike right in the middle of my kids fighting…I would be doing it ALL THE TIME!!! There would be lightning strikes happening all over this damn house! It would be like..
ME – “Hey kids…clean your room!”
The Kids – “aww…we don’t want too…It’s BORING!”
ME – #BOOM.. crack lighting strike….”Clean your room now!”
The Kids – …”AHHHHHHH…!!!!”
Oh yeah….I’d be using that power up!!
Can I just throw in though….REALLY with that Blue Christmas song!! COME ON!!! It’s like they are trying to make us cry!!!! Screw you Blue Christmas song!! I wasn’t crying…I was chopping onions!!!
I would also like to mention the creepy noises that Santa makes are border line disturbing. What is his problem?! He needs to get that looked at.
So there you have it!! The Year without a Santa Claus…Bailey’s Style!! Not bad, Maybe I’ll try The Year without a Santa Claus margarita style tomorrow!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!~