Are YOU afraid??

It’s that time of year again. The time when all the leaves change to glorious colors and fall off the trees, and pumpkins and corn husks adorn people’s homes to celebrate Autumn festivities. Autumn is one of my favorite times of year. One of the things I look forward to most is Halloween fun. My kids love to dress up as scary monsters, and decorate the house as creepy as possible. I have always loved Halloween. When we were kids, my parents would give us huge pillow cases and we would walk around the entire neighborhood collecting candy. We were tough back then. None of this… “Only on our street” nonsense. We would go trick or treating for hours! Pretty much hitting every single house within a ten-mile radius, and going back for seconds to any house that gave out full size candy bars!! Trick or treating was serious business back then. My friends and I would map out a plan of the neighborhood days in advance. We would always make sure we had an extra pillow case on hand for overflow. And anyone that started whining about being tired and wanting to go home would have to give everyone else in the group half their candy for being such a lightweight!
I have always loved Halloween! I remember my parents decorating our front lawn with fake tombstones and making our yard look like a cemetery!! Ah good times…
I am also a huge fan of scary movies. I love all the Scream movies, and watch Halloween every single year. I watch all the zombie shows because… Obviously zombies are super cool. And I even recently watched a new show called Scream Queens with the amazing Jamie Lee Curtis and I LOVED IT!!! It reminds me of the ridiculous slasher films of the 80’s. 
I will never forget the first time I saw Nightmare On Elm Street at the drive ins. I couldn’t sleep right for six months after watching that. I kept imagining Freddie Krueger entering my dreams and throwing me in a boiler!! 
I started to think about how so many times random things that we are afraid of are actually not scary at all.
Things like:
Baby Dolls – Everyone is afraid of baby dolls. But actually they are just plastic images of babies. And everyone loves babies right? Cute chubby babies cooing and coddling. 
AND THEN THERE IS THIS!!!! Okay never mind… babies are scary…
Bird Cages – I don’t know how, but bird cages have always had kind of a scary essence to them. They really are nothing more than a place to put your pet bird though. I mean look at this…
AND YET!!!! Imagine it… walking by a birdcage while a bird sits chirping away, and then it stops chirping. SO you turn around and the swing is swinging by itself with no bird! Pretty scary right?? If you want to make it even scarier just put the baby doll in the bird-cage… You might as well be in a Horror film at that point!
Houses – I don’t know what it is about houses, but any house that happens to have distressed paint, or was built anytime in the 1800’s is obviously FULL of ghosts. Everybody knows that ghosts like to hang out in those creepy non-painted houses. I have often wondered though, if I was a ghost I would much rather hang out in a nice newly built house that has awesome decorating and cozy fireplaces. Why would a ghost want to look at scary dingy walls for eternity? And why do ghosts never haunt boats or cars? I mean… think about it, if you were a ghost, wouldn’t you use those skills to float around and do all the things you couldn’t do before? Hop on planes and go anywhere in the world. Or go see a concert that you could never afford. Or swim with sharks even. Safety doesn’t really matter since you’re already dead. You now have a permanent Harry Potter invisibility cloak, you can do ANYTHING!!! Head over to Susie’s house and listen to all the crap she was talking about behind your back! You’re a ghost…
I mean really??… This place?? Why??
Whistling –  A person whistling, especially when you two are the only people in the area, is terrifying for whatever reason. Most likely, they just have a catchy pop song stuck in their head that keeps playing on the radio, but to you… it’s a murderer. This usually leads to a jump scare as they pass you on the sidewalk, because you were expecting to defend yourself… Just add that to the list of embarrassing moments in life…
Raw Meat – I know this one seems strange but hear me out! RAW MEAT scares the bejeezus out of me! I am not a fan of raw meat. If you don’t cook it properly you can get diarrhea of epic proportions and the pukes and all the nasty germie nastiness. My Grandmother used to tell me stories of how she would visit Germany back in the early 40’s and they had raw hamburger stands. You could order hamburgers that were completely RAW! My Grandmother loved them and ate them often… until she got worms! She got worms so bad from eating raw burgers that she became really sick. She also contracted a tape worm and the only way to get it out was she had to starve for 4 days and then sit in a vat of buttermilk so that the tape worm would come out. Just think about that for a minute… let it sink in!! You are now scarred for life. So yes… I have always been afraid of raw meat! Thanks Grandma… Blink, Blink, Blink…
I don’t know… Maybe the shoes aren’t that bad…
Flickering Lights – Usually flickering lights means that the bulb needs to be changed, yet if you are walking to your car in a parking lot, and one of the street lamps flicker in the distance, it’s always in the back of our mind that underneath that light, there is a ghost… or vampire, not the sparkly ones either… Though, I don’t think I’d be fond of running into Edward Cullen either… I was always Team Jacob.
Skeletons – Technically it’s just our bones inside if our body. If you see a skeleton in a science room, you don’t think anything of it. Take that same skeleton and shove half of it in the dirt and half of it coming out of the dirt, and it’s a nightmare waiting to happen!! I’m just saying… it’s all in how you look at it. Though if you find a human skeleton in your lover’s closet, maybe you should be at least a little scared… And you may want to break up with that person… And go to the police…
Alleyways at Night – Actually, just don’t go near those… Just to be safe…Seriously, it’s never a good idea… 
See!! Bad idea…
Hockey Masks – Technically they were designed to save a guys face in the middle of a hockey game… but put one on a serial killer and give him a machete and BOOM… instant murderer!  You know, maybe he is just misunderstood, and just wants to play… *cough* with your intestines *cough*… Too far?
And can we all just agree that Donald Trumps hair truly is the scariest of them all?! I can’t believe no one has created a Facebook page for Donald Trumps hair yet. I can see his hair having its own cult following. The thing is, nothing against Donald Trump… but every so often, if you look at his hair long enough… you can see the souls of men swirling around in a vortex right on top of his head… 
Picture This:
Tonight on the News at 10… “Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose… I repeat Donald Trump’s hair has gotten loose, Please stay indoors, and hold your loved ones tight. Make sure all your windows and doors are locked up tight! Whatever you do, if you happen to come face to face with THE HAIR… DO NOT make any sudden movements and NEVER look at the hair directly, for it may steal your soul. Your best bet for survival is to drop on the ground… roll around as if you are in agony, cough three times… and then yell “YOU’RE FIRED!!!” If that doesn’t work, just give it all your money… That seems to be what it truly wants. If you  have no money, chances are you are a goner.”
And last but not least… the thing that is not really scary at all but we always seem to make them look scary is clowns.
Clowns – Silly, funny clowns!! Actually… fuck that… CLOWNS ARE EVIL!!! Straight from Satan!!! Clowns are gross you guys… Super gross!!! Sad clowns, happy clowns, it’s all the same… Screw off clowns!!! And don’t even get me started on clown’s creepy cousin the mime…

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