Well here we are, another year has come and gone! It seems like they just fly by anymore. My kids are a year older, I am a year older, …and my Vagina is a year older!! 😉 Okay…I had to throw that one in!! Just for funsies!
Anyway, …usually when a New Year is here, folks tend to reminisce and think about past years and the decisions that they have made. Good and bad! We go over the things we may have done differently and we think about how we would like to change these things in the up coming year. As people, …we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or in the future. It is much harder to live in the present. In the now! I think it is just human nature to go over the things in our minds that we did not accomplish and plan the things in our minds that we still want to accomplish.
As I sit here and think about the year that has past….sadly the one thing I have thought about more than anything is that I was not good enough at anything that I did. I have spent much of the past year telling myself I needed to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend and daughter. I have spent many hours telling myself I needed to eat healthier and exercise more. Many nights I laid in bed regretting the things I did not accomplish for the day. I wanted to be more organized, and learn to add more structure to my life. Organization and structure have always been very difficult for me. I have never been fluent in those things. It’s like a block or something. I try….but it never seems to work out. I spent much of the year feeling like I have failed as a parent. Watching the other moms be able to make homemade cupcakes for all the kids classes, AND hand make the Halloween costumes! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the mom that can do it all! The Pinterest mom that has everything homemade from scratch, exercises every day, ..has perfectly coiffed hair, ..and is head of the PTA! I’m not judging the “Do it All” Mom. I can’t tell you how many times I have laid my head on my pillow at night wishing that I could do it all! Wishing that I could be that mom and somehow be better. That I could actually make toast that doesn’t end up black.
After thinking about this past year, ….I realized that I have spent far more hours and days thinking of what I am not good at rather than what I am! The thoughts in my head have been more about how I need to change and be better, and I also realized that not many thoughts have been very positive of myself. I can’t even remember a day that I did not think to myself, why can’t I just be better at this!
The realization of this made me so sad. I even cried my eyeballs out for a good two hours about it. I have spent so much time not accepting myself. My husband and kids accept me. My kids have never said to me that they wished I had handmade their costumes or that they would have preferred me to make cookies from scratch. They don’t know the difference. My husband has never said to me “you look like you stopped exercising or it looks like you gained 10 pounds!” He looks at me the same way he did 27 years ago! Like I am the same girl he met in 1987! I am that same girl… but with stretch marks, and lines on my face from age. My heart though, it is the same! I love the same, ..and feel the same inside.
So why then can I not see this in myself? Why can I not accept who I am and be okay with it? WHY?? When the only people that matter accept me just as I am!!
Here it is!.. My New Year’s Resolution:
I am not good at cooking, and I rarely make cookies from scratch. I am unorganized, and really lack structure. I exercise but I also happen to love junk food on occasion and probably eat it way more than I should. I love with all my heart and become overly sensitive because of that. I have a snap temper. I say things I shouldn’t say way more than I should ever say them! *Hence the Ooops I said Vagina Again blog! 😉 I am not good at making my kids homemade breakfast…but I would literally die for them in a heartbeat!! I would give my life up in a second if it meant giving them whatever it is they need. I would never intentionally hurt anybody, but I know I have.
I choose to make a change this year! But not to change myself. I choose to change my thoughts. I choose to take those hours and days that I have spent filling with negative thoughts about what I need to be, ..and instead fill them with wonderful thoughts about what I can do. I choose to see myself the way my husband and kids and family see me. I choose to not try and be something that I am NOT…but be completely and totally what I AM!!! And to be okay with it! I am perfect!! And so are YOU!!!
Happy New Year to all you beautiful people!
Now it’s YOUR turn! Tell me who you are. Who you really are! What makes you YOU? All of it! What makes YOU PERFECT?!