I have spent way too many hours with HATE! I’m giving it up…

Well here we are, another year has come and gone! It seems like they just fly by anymore. My kids are a year older, I am a year older, …and my Vagina is a year older!! 😉  Okay…I had to throw that one in!! Just for funsies!

 
Anyway, …usually when a New Year is here, folks tend to reminisce and think about past years and the decisions that they have made. Good and bad! We go over the things we may have done differently and we think about how we would like to change these things in the up coming year. As people, …we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or in the future. It is much harder to live in the present. In the now! I think it is just human nature to go over the things in our minds that we did not accomplish and plan the things in our minds that we still want to accomplish.
As I sit here and think about the year that has past….sadly the one thing I have thought about more than anything is that I was not good enough at anything that I did. I have spent much of the past year telling myself I needed to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend and daughter. I have spent many hours telling myself I needed to eat healthier and exercise more. Many nights I laid in bed regretting the things I did not accomplish for the day. I wanted to be more organized, and learn to add more structure to my life. Organization and structure have always been very difficult for me. I have never been fluent in those things. It’s like a block or something. I try….but it never seems to work out. I spent much of the year feeling like I have failed as a parent. Watching the other moms be able to make homemade cupcakes for all the kids classes, AND hand make the Halloween costumes! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the mom that can do it all! The Pinterest mom that has everything homemade from scratch, exercises every day, ..has perfectly coiffed hair, ..and is head of the PTA! I’m not judging the “Do it All” Mom. I can’t tell you how many times I have laid my head on my pillow at night wishing that I could do it all! Wishing that I could be that mom and somehow be better. That I could actually make toast that doesn’t end up black.

 
After thinking about this past year, ….I realized that I have spent far more hours and days thinking of what I am not good at rather than what I am! The thoughts in my head have been more about how I need to change and be better, and I also realized that not many thoughts have been very positive of myself. I can’t even remember a day that I did not think to myself,  why can’t I just be better at this!

 
The realization of this made me so sad. I even cried my eyeballs out for a good two hours about it. I have spent so much time not accepting myself. My husband and kids accept me. My kids have never said to me that they wished I had handmade their costumes or that they would have preferred me to make cookies from scratch. They don’t know the difference. My husband has never said to me “you look like you stopped exercising or it looks like you gained 10 pounds!” He looks at me the same way he did 27 years ago! Like I am the same girl he met in 1987! I am that same girl… but with stretch marks, and lines on my face from age. My heart though, it is the same! I love the same, ..and feel the same inside.

 

So why then can I not see this in myself? Why can I not accept who I am and be okay with it? WHY?? When the only people that matter accept me just as I am!!

 
Here it is!.. My New Year’s Resolution:
I am not good at cooking, and I rarely make cookies from scratch. I am unorganized, and really lack structure. I exercise but I also happen to love junk food on occasion and probably eat it way more than I should. I love with all my heart and become overly sensitive because of that. I have a snap temper. I say things I shouldn’t say way more than I should ever say them! *Hence the Ooops I said Vagina Again blog! 😉  I am not good at making my kids homemade breakfast…but I would literally die for them in a heartbeat!! I would give my life up in a second if it meant giving them whatever it is they need. I would never intentionally hurt anybody, but I know I have.
I choose to make a change this year! But not to change myself. I choose to change my thoughts. I choose to take those hours and days that I have spent filling with negative thoughts about what I need to be, ..and instead fill them with wonderful thoughts about what I can do. I  choose to see myself the way my husband and kids and family see me. I choose to not try and be something that I am NOT…but be completely and totally what I AM!!! And to be okay with it! I am perfect!! And so are YOU!!!

 
Happy New Year to all you beautiful people!

 
Now it’s YOUR turn! Tell me who you are. Who you really are! What makes you YOU? All of it! What makes YOU PERFECT?!

 

to_me_you_are_perfect

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10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Fearless Leader
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 11:08:22

    Happy New Year, Vag and Family!

    Reply

  2. Joy Christi
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 12:01:15

    ah goddamb it, Vagina. YOU MADE ME CRY. I hate that! hahahaha but this is so beautiful, and so true. I started to read the first couple paragraphs outside, then my 3 yr old spilled bubbles ALL OVER the table outside, heading straight for my tablet! I just saved it! Then I came back, after I cleaned up that half-frozen mess, did you know even magic bubbles almost freeze in Chicago end of December? Now you know. Anyway, YEEESSS to all of this! Yes to being perfectly imperfect, yes to PRIORITIES. Yes to all the good things!
    I’m with you, man. I suck at cooking. Baking? JOKE. My husband wound up just taking over my big idea to do Christmas cookies, and thankfully I bought pre-made boxed kits b/c I know I suck, but like you said, the kids don’t know the difference. They were happy to have SUGAR and also a little happy to have our attention, and that’s all that matters. I’m sure your kids appreciate you for YOU, how funny and fun you are. Moms who make cookies from scratch make good Grandmas but how much fun are they really? Probably not at all! hahahaha I have no idea, but I would rather have a fun family than some Martha Stewart magazine sparkly bullshit. Eff that.

    Reply

  3. REDdog
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 16:01:56

    I’m with Joy, Ginie, you had me welling up too. Thanks for calling it as you see it, thanks for seeing it how it is and thanks for having the courage to own it, write about it and accept it. I love your heart and I am in love with your mind and how it writes. You are an inspiration in spite of what you see as your shortcomings. You are a light despite what you describe as your own darkness. The world needs more people in it like you and I’m glad I found you. I wish you only the best in 2015…and I look forward to reading more of your special brand of challenge next year. Love RED

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 29, 2014 @ 18:11:28

      REDdog….That is one of the nicest comments I have ever gotten! Thank you so much for always coming back and hanging around here! It would not be the same without you. I appreciate you more than you know! ❤ Thank you for always giving me a peek into your heart. ❤

      Reply

  4. lisaeggs
    Dec 29, 2014 @ 19:44:56

    Well, Vagina. You did it. You made me alllll misty! And this is what I love about you! You can be totally irreverent and hilarious and you can also be completely sincere and speak about the real stuff right from the heart in a way that really resonates with me. I hope you don’t think you come up short, Vagina, because I think you kick major ass. When I look at you I see a truly amazing woman! A woman who loves her kids in the fiercest way but also knows how to laugh and get funny with them and about them! A woman who has overcome some real obstacles in life and keeps going, always keeping it real and always with a sense of humor. And a woman who is just so lovable and likable, and spreads allllll that goodness around! I see an enviable woman when I look at you, Vagina, NOT a person who comes up short in any way. You are so right: kids don’t ever ask for an itchy hand knit woolen hat or some shit. They don’t care! What’s it to them if you knit the thing or buy it at Walmart? They only care that you’re there to put it on their head, and you are! And so am I! So lets just forgive ourselves of our past mistakes and imperfect ways, and just be the women we are the best we can! I’m in your camp, Vagina! 2015 is going to kick ass!!!! xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Dec 30, 2014 @ 16:52:58

      Lisa,
      I hope you know how much I love you!! ❤ Your comment made me cry! I appreciate you so much and all the kind words you always leave me! I found a great friend in you and I am so thankful for that! This Blog is 100% worth it for that reason alone! Thank you so much my dear friend!

      I love you to pieces!! ❤ ❤

      Reply

  5. Vic Burton
    Jan 18, 2015 @ 07:31:01

    This is the first comment I have ever posted. I found your Facebook page. I pop in and read to get a smile or laugh. Your spanking link brought me here. I took it in in snippets to not be overwhelmed. You see complex PTSD and its twin sister, depression share space with me. It is in part brought on by years of abuse. Abuse that was ignored or undetected because people felt “everyone gets spanked”.
    Thank you for the rant.

    Thank you more for this post. The past year my illness has been debilitating and I notice so many changes and so much I can no longer do or am no longer good at. I forget to see myself as others see me. I am still kind and compassionate, a good cook, funny… I am still me.

    Thank you!

    Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Jan 18, 2015 @ 13:04:56

      Wow!! Your comment is so very thoughtful, and brought me to tears. Thank you so much for the support and reading this. More than anything my hope was that even if one person read this and was able to get something out of it….that was enough for me! So thank you for your comment!! ❤ We are all in this together my friend!

      Reply

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