Dear Fat People…

My 15-year-old daughter asked me to come watch a video today! It was a video that a teenage boy from her school shared on his Facebook page. The video is of a “comedian” pretty much making fun of fat people for six straight minutes. The girl in this video calls it “comedy!” 
 
 
 
After watching the disturbing video, I sat and talked to my 15-year-old daughter who is currently 105 pounds and still thinks she is fat! She thinks she is not good enough and never will be. I don’t know why. I have always told her she is perfect and beautiful just the way she is, but sometimes it’s not enough! On top of the ridiculous standards of society saying that we have to be skinny, blonde and perfect, we have people like this horrible woman who actually chooses to spend her time on this planet spewing ignorance and hate!!! 
 
 
 
I try very hard to keep the communication open with my daughters, but there are some 15-year-old girls out there that have no one. Every single person in their life will tell them they are not thin enough or pretty enough or good enough just as they are. Some girl out there will be told she needs to lose weight if she wants to be pretty! And then we have this asshole come along and put out a video just reassuring them that they are in fact never going to be lovable or good enough.
 
 
Knowing that my 15-year-old daughter watched this, I wonder to myself how many other 15 year olds watched this. And I wonder if this “comedian” even knows, or cares about how many people who will watch her video, and her words will be the last thing they ever hear!! How many people will watch her video and go to the bathroom and throw up as much as they can, or stuff their face full of more diet pills. How many people will cry themselves to sleep, or feel even more unlovable and alone than they did before those words ever hit their ears!
 
 
I wonder if she feels bad at all. If she even cares! 
 
 
 
My guess… She thought to herself how can I get people to look at me? I want to be noticed and nobody is noticing so what can I do?? What can I do to become famous!! Oh I know… I’ll tear apart an entire group of humans that I don’t know anything about, and maybe someone will look at me!
 
 
 
And it worked!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!!!!
 
 
 
 
Well… good for you Nicole Arbour, you got what you wanted. You needed  people to see you and give you attention. I do wonder though, if anyone overdoses on diet pills tonight, or jumps straight off a bridge because of your words, I wonder if it will even bother you!
 
 
The fact is we all would like to believe that some stupid words that an ignorant woman posts on a video wouldn’t have that much effect on anybody. But the truth is, there are many people in this world that do not have a solid self-esteem foundation where they were told their entire life how awesome they are. Some people have completely the opposite. Maybe they were told every day that they suck and will never be good at anything and it takes everything for them to just get up and face another day. How ignorant of this woman to think that her words are nothing more than comedy, and that no one could possibly be affected by them! 
 
 
 
If you want to see some people who will make you feel happy, make you feel loved, and make you feel like you are perfect just as you are. Check out some of these amazing people who are spreading love and acceptance on the internet instead of vitriol and hate just to get some likes.
 
 
 
Veronica Pooh Nash –  I recently came across Veronica Pooh Nash! This woman is so unbelievably amazing. I have never in all my life felt such genuine love come across a video as when I watch this beautiful woman. Every word she speaks comes from love. I would rather have my 15-year-old daughter watch any video from Veronica Pooh Nash and listen to her say “I love you and there is nothing you can do about it”, then ever have my daughter watch another thing that comes from someone filled with such ignorance and hate! 
 
 
 
Meghan Tonjes – Always making videos telling people to love themselves just as they are! A real ground-breaker in the body positive movement!
 
 
The Militant Baker – Another body positive role model. Everything she puts out is telling people to LOVE themselves and letting them know that they are okay and deserving of love exactly as they are!
 
 
Hannah Hart – I have watched Hannah Hart for years! I adore her! In every video she posts, they are filled with love and positivity. She has the most amazing happy presence, and you can feel the happiness through the screen!
 
 
Joshua Evans – He vlogs everyday, and at the end of every single video he posts, he signs off with “Be nice to people!”… What a great message to spread around… 
 
 
Colleen Ballinger – She also vlogs and is the creator of Miranda sings! I have watched her vlogs and she is one of the kindest people.
 
Jenna Marbles – If you haven’t heard about Jenna Marbles you might be living under a rock. She is hilarious and a true comedian. She has made videos for years and never once needed to call people ugly, or fat just to get someone to watch them.
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Laci Green – I LOVE Laci Green videos. I have my daughter watch them just because her message is so powerful and amazing for young girls. You have to check her out!
 
 
If you watch a video or read an article, and after you are done you feel terrible and really bad inside, then something is wrong! You wouldn’t surround yourself with people who make you feel terrible and awful. We call those kinds of people Draining soul suckers for a reason!! Nobody needs that in their life! Surround yourself with people who make you feel happy. Being happy and loving is contagious! And just remember.. you really are perfect just as you are! That is the TRUTH!!!!
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This video response to the Dear fat People video is the best one I have seen so far! Grace Helbig.. another amazing person spreading happiness wherever she can!
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to_me_you_are_perfect
 
 
                                                                   
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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I Believe In…

I Believe in Independence.
 
I Believe in eating vegetables.
 
I Believe in walking in the woods on a crisp fall day.
 
I Believe in coffee…with lots of sweet cream.
 
I Believe in eating chocolate (and peanut butter M & M’s.)
 
I Believe in not peddling my bike downhill after an excruciating uphill trek. 
 
I Believe in dolphins… How can you not (and puppies.)
 
I Believe in sunshine. 
 
I Believe in walking in the rain and feeling the drops from the sky. 
 
I Believe in laughing so hard I can’t catch my breath.
 
I Believe in standing at the edge of the ocean and feeling the waves crash at my feet.
 
I Believe in LOVE…so so much I believe in LOVE!
 
Loving the people in my life! My sexy, sweet man (I like my man the same way I like my coffee).. and my adorable sometimes cranky children. My sweet friends, and even acquaintances. I believe in LOVE probably more than I believe in anything. 
 
 
What I don’t Believe in is..
 
 
Telling other people how to live their life.
 
Telling another person what they should eat.
 
Telling another person what they should wear.
 
Telling another person how they should feel.
 
Telling another person how they should think.
 
Telling another person what they need to believe in.
 
Telling another person WHO TO LOVE or HOW TO LOVE!
 
 
It’s fairly simple really. More than anything I am against anyone who crosses over into another humans life and hurts them or alter’s their journey on this floating rock! Fundamentally we are all having a different experience on this Earth. Which makes all of our beliefs and thoughts different from each others.
 Your right as a fellow human being ends the moment where someone else’s rights begin.
Basically Don’t rape! Don’t murder! Don’t molest children! Keep your hands to yourself. This is the most basic law of Humanity!
 
 
 
Your beliefs are the sum of your experiences on YOUR journey. Which is why it makes it really impossible for ME to make any kind of judgement on someone else’s journey.
 
 
This is YOUR road!
 
 
This is YOUR journey!
 
 
 I prefer to keep my business where it belongs…on my own journey!
 
 
One thing…  we all know that at the end of the story, at the end of the road…LOVE will always win over hate. 
 
 
Love always Wins!  as it should be…
 
 
I Believe in Love! I Choose Love!
11

I have spent way too many hours with HATE! I’m giving it up…

Well here we are, another year has come and gone! It seems like they just fly by anymore. My kids are a year older, I am a year older, …and my Vagina is a year older!! 😉  Okay…I had to throw that one in!! Just for funsies!

 
Anyway, …usually when a New Year is here, folks tend to reminisce and think about past years and the decisions that they have made. Good and bad! We go over the things we may have done differently and we think about how we would like to change these things in the up coming year. As people, …we tend to spend a lot of our time living in the past or in the future. It is much harder to live in the present. In the now! I think it is just human nature to go over the things in our minds that we did not accomplish and plan the things in our minds that we still want to accomplish.
As I sit here and think about the year that has past….sadly the one thing I have thought about more than anything is that I was not good enough at anything that I did. I have spent much of the past year telling myself I needed to be a better parent, a better wife, a better friend and daughter. I have spent many hours telling myself I needed to eat healthier and exercise more. Many nights I laid in bed regretting the things I did not accomplish for the day. I wanted to be more organized, and learn to add more structure to my life. Organization and structure have always been very difficult for me. I have never been fluent in those things. It’s like a block or something. I try….but it never seems to work out. I spent much of the year feeling like I have failed as a parent. Watching the other moms be able to make homemade cupcakes for all the kids classes, AND hand make the Halloween costumes! I’m not saying there is anything wrong with the mom that can do it all! The Pinterest mom that has everything homemade from scratch, exercises every day, ..has perfectly coiffed hair, ..and is head of the PTA! I’m not judging the “Do it All” Mom. I can’t tell you how many times I have laid my head on my pillow at night wishing that I could do it all! Wishing that I could be that mom and somehow be better. That I could actually make toast that doesn’t end up black.

 
After thinking about this past year, ….I realized that I have spent far more hours and days thinking of what I am not good at rather than what I am! The thoughts in my head have been more about how I need to change and be better, and I also realized that not many thoughts have been very positive of myself. I can’t even remember a day that I did not think to myself,  why can’t I just be better at this!

 
The realization of this made me so sad. I even cried my eyeballs out for a good two hours about it. I have spent so much time not accepting myself. My husband and kids accept me. My kids have never said to me that they wished I had handmade their costumes or that they would have preferred me to make cookies from scratch. They don’t know the difference. My husband has never said to me “you look like you stopped exercising or it looks like you gained 10 pounds!” He looks at me the same way he did 27 years ago! Like I am the same girl he met in 1987! I am that same girl… but with stretch marks, and lines on my face from age. My heart though, it is the same! I love the same, ..and feel the same inside.

 

So why then can I not see this in myself? Why can I not accept who I am and be okay with it? WHY?? When the only people that matter accept me just as I am!!

 
Here it is!.. My New Year’s Resolution:
I am not good at cooking, and I rarely make cookies from scratch. I am unorganized, and really lack structure. I exercise but I also happen to love junk food on occasion and probably eat it way more than I should. I love with all my heart and become overly sensitive because of that. I have a snap temper. I say things I shouldn’t say way more than I should ever say them! *Hence the Ooops I said Vagina Again blog! 😉  I am not good at making my kids homemade breakfast…but I would literally die for them in a heartbeat!! I would give my life up in a second if it meant giving them whatever it is they need. I would never intentionally hurt anybody, but I know I have.
I choose to make a change this year! But not to change myself. I choose to change my thoughts. I choose to take those hours and days that I have spent filling with negative thoughts about what I need to be, ..and instead fill them with wonderful thoughts about what I can do. I  choose to see myself the way my husband and kids and family see me. I choose to not try and be something that I am NOT…but be completely and totally what I AM!!! And to be okay with it! I am perfect!! And so are YOU!!!

 
Happy New Year to all you beautiful people!

 
Now it’s YOUR turn! Tell me who you are. Who you really are! What makes you YOU? All of it! What makes YOU PERFECT?!

 

to_me_you_are_perfect

I have a Dream… Maybe you do too??

I have a dream!! A very vivid dream…. of a world. A different world… A place that is much like the “Heaven” that many people think of. A place of acceptance. A place of happiness. A place of True Love.
I often have felt that this place… this “Heaven”… it could be here. It could be now. Life… it’s a gift. We are here for a reason. We have LIFE!! We have the ability to Love at the most extreme level. Why can’t this be heaven? Here and now! It’s really up to us. The people. The ones that have life. It is OUR choice!

So many people that have lived and also had a dream about a better world, many of them never lived long enough to see their dream come true. But it did! It has gotten better. It gets a little better every day.

I dream of a world where you can do the things that bring you such complete happiness and bliss, and never have to answer for it.
Which brings me to this:

Why does it bother you that the person sitting next you is fat? WHY? If your answer is that they are unhealthy… let me now ask you this. How do you know that? How can you tell? A person that snorts cocaine everyday is thin, … but they are unhealthy. A person that drinks soda and smokes cigarettes all day long everyday can be thin… but unhealthy,  a person that has cancer could possibly be thin… but unhealthy. Why then do you think you know the health of another human being just by the size of their frame? If there was ten people standing in a line up… and two of those ten people had cancer, ..but they all were different sizes, different shapes, different cultures, ….do you think you would know the two with cancer?? WHY do you think you have the ability to tell how healthy a person is just by looking at them?

Do you think you could tell who is GAY??…. Who does drugs?…. Who smokes cigarettes?… Who drinks green smoothies?… Who has 3 kids, …. Who likes to eat pizza, just by looking at them?? You would be exponentially wrong about your impressions!

Now back to why you actually believe you care about a complete strangers health. Do you?? REALLY?? You are going along with your day, and all of a sudden you see a complete stranger walking down the street. This stranger is a fat person, and all of a sudden YOU CARE about their health! So much that you need to make all kinds of assumptions about them as a person. They are Lazy, they eat Mcdonalds, they drink soda pop all day! How do you know that?? YOU DON”T!!!

When I was growing up…. the world was a much harder place to live in if you were gay. In the 70’s and 80’s people actually believed that if you were gay you would most likely end up with aids and were going to give it to everybody!! People used that as an excuse to be awful to gay folks. So many people hid away, and were so afraid to be open about who they really are. And live a life in which they are open to love whomever they choose. The world has become better. Yes, … homophobia still exists… but it has gotten better.

I often think about the people that have a dream of a better world and how they stood up trying to show others that by choosing Love… it will always be the right choice. People like Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King jr, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Dali Lama, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela… just to name a few. And people of today standing up and changing the world. Oprah, Ellen, IO tillet wright, Misha collins (Founder of gishwhes), Jes The Militant Baker, and SO many more.
I remember clearly watching Ellen DeGeneres on her sitcom show back in the mid 90’s, and the day she decided to come out on the show. About a month later it was canceled. It was too much for people to see. But because she did that, because she made the choice to stand up for love… it opened the door. Now you can see an openly loving gay couple on TV and it’s okay. She helped to push that door open…

Some of you might say that being gay and being fat are different, that one is a personal choice and one isn’t… I don’t believe that, but more than anything, I am comparing those that have been hated or singled out. Those that are seen as “different” therefore not right. Biases have been present in all of human history, and that is what I am talking about. The biases that rule this world, and create hate where there should be love.

I am madly and deeply in love with The Militant Baker. This beautiful amazing woman is going to be one of the ground breakers in changing this world. Why?? Because her message is the same message that of all these other great people have been trying to give… it’s LOVE!!! So fucking simple right?? LOVE!!!

It’s almost funny because I am NOT a religious person. I have my own issues with religion. I do not practice any kind of religious anything. I do not go to church but I believe in Love. I believe love changes people. I believe love is the answer to everything wrong in this world. Letting people be exactly who they are… and loving them anyway. Not spewing what YOU think they need to be!

If a person wants to lose weight… then they should. Do it for yourself. AWESOME!!! If you would like to help other folks that want to do the same thing…. awesome! If you decide that other overweight people NOW need to lose weight because YOU decided to… NOT awesome! Just because it was right for you… and YOU did it, DOES NOT mean it is for EVERYBODY! Maybe THIN is NOT their bliss. Maybe they already love themselves JUST AS THEY ARE! WOW… what a concept.

As I was doing my morning routine and reading different articles and browsing the internet, .I came across an article about a woman who posted pictures of herself and got hateful comments because of her body size. She was shamed and ridiculed because people felt she was not the “right” body type for a certain outfit! She posted the pictures anyway and wrote an article about how she loves herself just as she is and she is still going to wear the clothing she loves. The very top comment said “I am SO SICK of seeing these articles about fat people loving themselves!” I have to tell you….that comment alone was almost enough to make me leave the internet forever! The fact that there is literally a person walking on this planet that feels this way…it’s almost scary! I re-call from history that Hitler preached things like… Be like me or die! If you are not the shining example of what I say is “perfect” than you don’t even deserve to exist! WHOA!! and the fact that there are still people walking around today that believe you have to look and be a certain way or you do not even deserve love! Scary!!

There are people that I love so desperately and dearly that are fat, gay, and have a different color of skin than mine! I love them so much, I love who they are…I love them so deeply…and yet the world is hateful to them. They don’t know them at all…only judge what they are looking at!! As a mom, I worry about my kids future. I more than any person in this world want them to succeed in all things. But I also realize that this world is tough place sometimes. I wonder if telling them they can be anything they want to be is really the truth!

I want my kids to not be afraid to be who they are. EXACTLY who they are. I made a decision. I will teach my kids about LOVE! I will teach them to love themselves fiercely and unapologetically in all things. On my quest to teach my children all about love and acceptance, I have trudged through such an enormous amount of hate! Articles and blogs, videos and comments upon comments of hate! 1st rule of the internet NEVER EVER read the comments!!!! Just don’t do it!! Such pure HATE! It really makes a person second guess why they are even trying. But I push through searching and learning for myself. Learning ways that I can teach my children to love and accept themselves, not change themselves. And then I found these amazing people in the world. That are pushing through with their message of LOVE! Acceptance!

So the thing is….. I really just want to know WHY?? If you are upset at someone, or hate them because of the shape or size of their body, or you hate someone because of their choice in who they spend their days with… or the color or shade of their skin or hair, or eyes…. or you hate someone because of the way they dress…. or what gender they are…. or what they choose to eat….. or if you hate someone for any reason really…. just any reason at all…. you need to ask yourself WHY?? Why do I HATE this person?

If you are SO SICK of seeing people find self love or self acceptance and this somehow makes you angry that instead of changing to be what YOU think they should be, …they actually decided to be themselves and be okay with it, and this makes you angry…. WHY?? Ask YOURSELF WHY??? And then maybe, just maybe instead of spending so much time trying to change the people you see in front of you, turn your eyes inward and look to change YOU! If you want to stop having to see fat people, or gay people, or any type of person that makes you angry…. then look inside of YOURSELF! Because once you do that…. what you see will be the one thing you can change. And that would be yourself! The only one that matters!

mf

” I Dreamed a Dream in time gone by”~

I like to keep things funny around here. I enjoy laughing, joking, and just being silly with as much inappropriateness as possible! Maybe it’s how I choose to cope with “life” stuff. Everyone handles things in their own way. NO way is wrong, just different. Anyway…I wanted to get serious for a minute. The thing is , this is what is on my mind right now. I put myself out there to be real and true, so sometimes it just isn’t that funny. Every year around this time, “spring” and about 5 days before my birthday, I end up getting these strange feelings of some unresolved stuff cropping up. It’s funny because the old adage “time heals all wounds” …in some cases never seems to apply. I am not sure if time “heals” the wounds, or you just become used to the feelings of loss, disappointment  or whatever it is, and find better ways of coping with what had happened in your life. We all have a story. We all are on a journey and we all experience different things. This post is about my dad. The very first man I ever knew…who I never knew! That statement has so much more meaning than I may even be able to explain.

 
My parents were big hippies from the 60’s. They lived in the heart of San Fransisco on Haight St.and Ashbury out of a VW bug. Free love and all that! They lived in sandals, smoked pot, and believed in rights for everyone! My dad was very against racism of any kind, and believed in basic human rights for all. Some of the greatest things I learned from that man were that everyone is equal no matter race, culture, or differences. Only as an adult can I look back now and see that he stood up for those things. As a child, I never felt like he accepted me as I was. He was also a raging, and I mean raging alcoholic. My life was anything but “normal”. I really don’t believe in that word anyway. NOrmal does not exist, it is only a state of mind. A thought if you will. I believe thoughts are really what make us who we are. They are what define us and make us different from each other. They really mean nothing though. They only mean something to the person having them. Anyway…I spent a big part of my childhood fearing my dad, and really never feeling like I connected or even knew him at all. I realized that when I became a mom. All of a sudden I had this little life that meant everything to me, that I would die for on the spot. Yet in my head I couldn’t understand why my own dad did not feel the same about me. Why did he not see me as I am, and love me as I am? Of course it took many years for me to realize that was simply not true. He did love me…in the only way he could. My relationship with my dad changed when I stopped seeing him as my dad and instead started seeing him as a human being. When I was able to walk away from some unreal expectation of what I felt I was suppose to have in a dad, only then could I really understand his love. I saw him as the little boy that at the age of 7 was left on a doorstep because his mother left with a man that did not want children. I saw him as the child that was horribly abused by his own alcoholic father, beaten, and left alone. I finally saw him. I saw his life, and what he had to overcome. I also realized that in his mind, he WAS doing it differently for his kids. It changed my perception. Just think if we could all realize that every journey is fraught with so many different battles that we do not always understand, so how can anyone judge another without the knowledge of what they have endured. My dad struggled his whole life to overcome, and eventually in the end…he just felt that he was not strong enough. 5 days before my birthday, he walked on the freeway, jumped in front of a truck, and took his own life. I remember the phone call from my sister like it was yesterday. Anyone who has lost someone to suicide knows that it is one of those things that you never really come to a place of understanding about. It leaves you with so many holes. The questions of…could I have said something, could I have changed it, what made him think that all hope was lost, and the only option was to take that step? I will never understand that moment that he felt there was no other option. I spent a lot of time wondering why things couldn’t have turned out different. I may never understand that, but I have made peace with the relationship I did have with him. I remember the moments that we did have, like when I was a kid and he got in the pool with us and threw us over his shoulder, or when he coached the teams that we played for. I remember right after I became a mom, and I went to visit him, and I confronted him about why he didn’t love me. I wanted to know why I wasn’t good enough. He looked at me and said something I have never forgotten and I have used so much in my life. He said ” I have always loved you, … things just aren’t always the way you perceive them to be.” He picked up a piece of paper, showed it to me, and asked me what I see. It was a white piece of paper. I said..”it’s a simple white piece of paper.” He said to me…” NO, it isn’t, it is a very beautiful blue picture.” He then flipped it over to show me the side he was looking at…and you know what, he was right. I was so sure what I saw was the absolute truth, but once I saw his side I realized his truth was absolute to him, and it is not always what we think it to be. That moment was one of many moments that helped me to peace and understanding. Yes…I wish I had the chance to have known him better. I wish he could have known my children. It just wasn’t the way it happened. I am at peace about it. I will always question why he took that step, but I am at peace now. I loved him, in the only way that I knew how to. Of course it never feels like it is enough. I also know that everything we experience in this life is just taking us to the next step. Helping us to grow, and become whatever it is that we are suppose to become. Maybe this moment of opening my heart, and putting it out there is the moment that will help someone struggling with this very thought. I hope so. To just know that someone else has been through it, and understands, and knows that you will make it….can be very comforting.
Boy…putting your heart out there really is scary, but it’s my reality. We all have our reality, and our journey…no one worse or better than another’s. So here I am, in another spring, looking at the flowers blooming, hearing the birds chirping (my dad LOVED birds), knowing the pending days of summer are right around the corner, and wondering what it would be like if my dad could be standing here with me in this exact moment, and I could share my heart with him. Maybe he knows….maybe he is here in this moment. All I know is that LOVE is truly the miracle of this life. Being able to love, and share it… there is nothing greater that you can do. I know my dad loved me. LOVE as much as you can, everything in your world will feel right when it comes from love.

LOUISE ALLAN

writer & author

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