Goblins, Ghouls, and…. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!…

Halloween is right around the corner. Are you ready?? Have you already purchased your kids Halloween costumes and bought your bags of candy to pass out to all the ghouls and goblins that will be knocking on your door that night? Good for you!! It’s always a good idea to stay ahead of the game and be prepared in advance.

 
For me though….I tend to never be ready in advance. As a matter of fact….I am LATE to everything. But when it comes to Halloween, …I purposely choose to be late! Here are all the reasons I wait until the very last second to buy my kids Halloween costumes and candy!

 
September 30th (The 8 year old) – “I want to be Elsa for Halloween…I want to freeze everything and make an ice castle. I definitely want to be Elsa this year!”

 

 
October 1st ( The 8 year old) – “I think I want to be Anna from frozen instead of Elsa….she is better because I like how she sings and I really like her dress! I want to be Anna for Halloween.”

 

 
October 2nd (The 8 year old) – “I decided to be a black kitty for Halloween. I have always wanted to be a black kitty!”

 

 
October 3rd (The 9 year old) – “I want to be Luigi for Halloween”

 

 
October 4th (The 9 year old) – “I changed my mind..I want to be Harry Potter….I need a wand”

 

 
October 5th (The 9 year old) – “I REALLY REALLY want to be Iron Man! I Love Iron Man!!”

 

 
October 6th – (Me) *hm, …that Halloween candy is just sitting in the closet…just sitting there! I’ll just open the bag and eat one. Only one! …. (20 pieces later)….oh crap!! Well, …I’ll just buy more…

 

 
October 7th (The 8 and 9 year old’s simultaneously) – “Mom…we changed our minds about our costumes…..We want to be Dead Ninja warriors”..

 

 

Me – blink, blink, blink…

 

October 8th (The 9 year old) – “Last year for Halloween my friend was a zombie dog for Halloween…that’s what I want to be! A zombie dog!”

 

 
October 9th (Me) – *stashes the new bags of candy in the bottom of my sock drawer.

 

 
October 10th (Me) – *thinks the sock drawer is a bad idea because what if the candy melts. Grabs the candy out of the sock drawer…and eats it! oh crap…I need to buy more candy…

 

 
October 11th ( The 14 year old) – “Mom….I was invited to a Halloween costume party and I want to be a baked potato! I would totally win!!!”

 

 
Me – *A baked potato??? A friggin baked potato??? I need some chocolate…

 

 
October 12th (The 14 year old) – “Never mind mom…I’m not going to the Halloween party, ..but I still want a costume. I guess I’ll just be a mummy and wrap myself up in toilet paper! Then I could use the toilet paper to cover Jake’s house because he told me I had skunk eyebrows!”

 

 

 

*What the hell are skunk eyebrows?

 

 
October 13th (The 8 year old) – “I don’t want to dress up for Halloween!! I’m NOT dressing up!”

 

 
Me – *GOOD!!! ….I need some chocolate! …hm, where did I put that bag of candy again…

 

 
October 14th (The 8 year old) – “Mommy, Mommy,….I want to be an angel for Halloween. With wings and everything”..

 

 
Me – (in my head).. *an angel….um, …yeah…try again kid…

 

 
October 15th (Me) – *buys 4 more bags of candy to make sure I will have some here for Halloween night!

 

 
October 16th (Me) – *Eats 4 bags of candy! ….

 

 
October 17th (The 9 year old) – “Okay….I decided I really, really, really want to be a pirate! A REAL pirate though. With a REAL sword and a REAL parrot!.. I promise I won’t actually stab anybody with the real sword!!

 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink…

 

 
October 18th (The 9 year old) – “I know I said I really, really  was sure about being a pirate but I changed my mind! I want to be dog puke! My friend was dog puke last year and the costume was so funny. We could totally make dog puke..it would be easy!

 

 

 

October 19th , 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th,27th,28th,29th.… “Mom, I want to be this. no that, no this, no that….never mind…I want to be this….No I want to be that….etc….etc…..etc…..

 

 

 

October 30th – We drive to the store to buy costumes….. (ME) – “Well kids, …looks like you can choose between being a pumpkin or a ghost! Make your choice because this is all they have left!”…

 

 

 

Halloween Night – “Oh you guys looks so cute in your costumes. A pumpkin and A ghost!…Now where did I put that Halloween candy again??”… oh crap…

 

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Change the Channel and Pass the Popcorn!~

Have you ever been watching a T.V. show, ..and a random thought pops in your head? It happens sometimes. So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my weird brain and share some of the many thoughts I have had while watching some of my T.V. Shows….

 

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL- I could do that pose so much better. I mean, they are completely missing the art of it.

 

 

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY- Wow, they are dysfunctional bitchy back stabbers. Why am I watching this again? Oh look! Another cat fight!

 

 

SHERLOCK- Hm, maybe I could deduce somebody like that… *looks over at friend. I can tell by the wrinkle in their shirt that they…. crap, I don’t know.

 

 

SUPERNATURAL- There is no way that dude eats nothing but cheeseburgers and pie, and still looks like an underwear model. That’s the most supernatural thing about this show.

 

 

ANIMAL COPS- No no no no no, change it change it change it. I don’t want to see that.

 

 

HOARDERS- Compared to them, I am a clean freak. I’m like the flippin Queen of England.

 

 

GAME OF THRONES- Another sex scene, really? I mean, I don’t mind sex, but can’t we just have another bloody battle instead? I might as well just be watching porn.

 

 

MINDY PROJECT- HAHAHAHAHA! OMG, Mindy, stop! I’m gonna pee my pants! HAHAHA!

 

 

OPRAH- Aw, they all get free ipods and free cars and free bedsheets. And what do I get? Nothing.

 

 

TOP CHEF- Oh geez, that looks good. I would eat all of that. And the judge says it’s mediocre? Shut up, judge! I don’t want to hear it. All I have to eat is mac and cheese.

 

 

BIGGEST LOSER- I could probably do that exercise… If they can, I can… Who am I kidding? My ass is basically glued to this couch….*could you pass the popcorn…

 

 

THE WALKING DEAD- I don’t know which is more gross: The zombies or people doing it when they haven’t showered in two years.

 

 

ONCE UPON A TIME- So, wait? He’s the grandfather of the son of the sister of the evil step mother? I’m confused.

 

 

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK- It doesn’t look too bad. I could probably handle prison. I bet I’d be the toughest one in there. Except the whole pooping in front of people thing… I don’t think I could do that…

 

 

ELEMENTARY- So this is like Sherlock… but without Benedict Cumberbatch… I want Benedict Cumberbatch.

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19 KIDS AND COUNTING – nope.  *turns off T.V. and heads to the bathroom to pluck eyebrows! ….plucking eyebrows is more interesting!!

 

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How to stay Trendy on the Internet!~

Do you ever feel like you just don’t know what is going on. You always seem to miss the new trend that is happening on Social Media. Yeah….me too…..

So I did some research and put together a few ways that will help you to stay trendy online! Check it out!

Top ten ways to stay trendy on the Interwebz!~

1) Since we are approaching Autumn time again….the most glorious of seasons, with all the beautiful colors and the weather starting to change, always make sure that when you are on Facebook, you leave posts about how much you hate any and all things Pumpkin. Especially Pumpkin latte’s! Hate them! Make sure to post about it a few times a week and find pumpkin products to show everyone how much you hate pumpkin! It’s actually more popular to hate it then love it right now, so if you happen to be one of those folks that really does like pumpkin latte’s…you might want to keep it to yourself!

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2) Again we are at that time of year where Football is back!! If you live in America then you know that football is a thing!! People get crazy about it! To stay trendy, …make sure that you tweet as much as possible about YOUR team. Also comment often on the posts that other folks have posted about THEIR teams and make sure to let them know how their team sucks ass!!! If there is a football game on, …make sure that you post about every single play that happens and how angry you are about it all!!

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3) If you are one of those folks that is not into football, make sure to post often about how you are not into football!

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4) I am a Bay Area girl! I grew up in California, and my heart will always remain there! To all my Cali people…I love you!! But if you are from California, and it happens to rain, …Immediately get on your social media and let everyone know!!! IT IS RAINING!!! Be careful out there folks! Water is falling from the sky which means things will happen….Many things! If you live in California and you want to be trendy….Post about the rain when it rains!

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5) If you are a Blogger, make sure that you blog about Miley Cyrus! It doesn’t matter what you write about….just make sure that you do!

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6) If you are a mom…..you must hate Calliou! If you want to be trendy you have to follow these instructions. Hate his voice, and make sure to talk about how much you hate him on social media! Can I just say though….this one has a lot of merit to it! Have you ever heard Calliou’s voice??? Nails on a chalkboard!!!

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7) Hashtags!!! – #sorrynotsorry #jussayin #livinthedream. #nofilter. I have used those many times. There is also a big list of hashtags that are trending. You can actually find those on Google. An entire list of the hashtags you can use so that you can stay trendy!! One of the longest-running hashtags on Twitter, #FollowFriday or #FF is a way for Twitter users to recommend their favorite tweeters to their followers. It happens every Friday and is a worldwide event. Ideally, #FollowFriday should consist of recommendations for Twitter accounts that one believes are genuinely awesome, but for the most part people just #FF all their followers so that no one will feel left out, creating something closer to white noise.

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8) Also use Hashtags on Facebook! Even though they really mean nothing on Facebook! JUST DO IT!

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9) Every Monday post about how much you Hate Mondays! Don’t ever post something about loving Mondays and being so happy that you have to get up for work again! Not only will everyone hate you….chances are you will be thrown out of social media all together!

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10) There are two kinds of people on the internet! Iphone people and NOT Iphone people. Pick a side folks!! There is no cross over here. You pick a side and go with it. If you happen to be an Iphone person, post often about how awesome your Iphone or Ipad is. And how all the other idiots that don’t have one will never know how awesome it really is! If you go in the other direction, which is basically any other kind of phone…make sure to let everyone know that you will NEVER own an Iphone. Not even if someone paid you too!!…and laugh at the people that have a phone that is bent to the shape of their ass now!… ;)

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Bonus – Always make sure to keep up on what the National Day of the year it is. Like for instance if it is National Dog day…post pics of your dog. Or National coffee day, post pics of your coffee, …maybe it’s National pancake day or National pie day! Just as long as you post pics of your pancake and/or pie…you will for sure stay trendy!

What is out:

Some of the trends that were really big a few years back have made there way out. Like taking pictures of your dinner. You don’t see much of that anymore. Which kind of makes me sad because at least I knew whose house to crash for dinner. Also posting 5 million selfies has kind of made it’s way out. It’s more about the picture bombers these days. Posting a selfie while you are simultaneously picture bombing someone else…that is the shit my friends!!

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Disclaimer: I have done all of these things. So don’t get all pissy at me because I’m pointing it out! I use Hashtags sometimes, and I complain about Calliou. I am not really a fan of football but I do have a team I connect with so of course I have to post “Go Niners!!”  Which is ridiculous because I never watch the games. I don’t post about rain anymore, ..but you better believe I have posted when it is 10 degrees below zero! I have to complain to someone about it! I do love Pumpkin latte’s though! and you know what… #sorrynotsorry!!!

I have a Dream… Maybe you do too??

I have a dream!! A very vivid dream…. of a world. A different world… A place that is much like the “Heaven” that many people think of. A place of acceptance. A place of happiness. A place of True Love.
I often have felt that this place… this “Heaven”… it could be here. It could be now. Life… it’s a gift. We are here for a reason. We have LIFE!! We have the ability to Love at the most extreme level. Why can’t this be heaven? Here and now! It’s really up to us. The people. The ones that have life. It is OUR choice!

So many people that have lived and also had a dream about a better world, many of them never lived long enough to see their dream come true. But it did! It has gotten better. It gets a little better every day.

I dream of a world where you can do the things that bring you such complete happiness and bliss, and never have to answer for it.
Which brings me to this:

Why does it bother you that the person sitting next you is fat? WHY? If your answer is that they are unhealthy… let me now ask you this. How do you know that? How can you tell? A person that snorts cocaine everyday is thin, … but they are unhealthy. A person that drinks soda and smokes cigarettes all day long everyday can be thin… but unhealthy,  a person that has cancer could possibly be thin… but unhealthy. Why then do you think you know the health of another human being just by the size of their frame? If there was ten people standing in a line up… and two of those ten people had cancer, ..but they all were different sizes, different shapes, different cultures, ….do you think you would know the two with cancer?? WHY do you think you have the ability to tell how healthy a person is just by looking at them?

Do you think you could tell who is GAY??…. Who does drugs?…. Who smokes cigarettes?… Who drinks green smoothies?… Who has 3 kids, …. Who likes to eat pizza, just by looking at them?? You would be exponentially wrong about your impressions!

Now back to why you actually believe you care about a complete strangers health. Do you?? REALLY?? You are going along with your day, and all of a sudden you see a complete stranger walking down the street. This stranger is a fat person, and all of a sudden YOU CARE about their health! So much that you need to make all kinds of assumptions about them as a person. They are Lazy, they eat Mcdonalds, they drink soda pop all day! How do you know that?? YOU DON”T!!!

When I was growing up…. the world was a much harder place to live in if you were gay. In the 70’s and 80’s people actually believed that if you were gay you would most likely end up with aids and were going to give it to everybody!! People used that as an excuse to be awful to gay folks. So many people hid away, and were so afraid to be open about who they really are. And live a life in which they are open to love whomever they choose. The world has become better. Yes, … homophobia still exists… but it has gotten better.

I often think about the people that have a dream of a better world and how they stood up trying to show others that by choosing Love… it will always be the right choice. People like Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King jr, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Dali Lama, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela… just to name a few. And people of today standing up and changing the world. Oprah, Ellen, IO tillet wright, Misha collins (Founder of gishwhes), Jes The Militant Baker, and SO many more.
I remember clearly watching Ellen DeGeneres on her sitcom show back in the mid 90’s, and the day she decided to come out on the show. About a month later it was canceled. It was too much for people to see. But because she did that, because she made the choice to stand up for love… it opened the door. Now you can see an openly loving gay couple on TV and it’s okay. She helped to push that door open…

Some of you might say that being gay and being fat are different, that one is a personal choice and one isn’t… I don’t believe that, but more than anything, I am comparing those that have been hated or singled out. Those that are seen as “different” therefore not right. Biases have been present in all of human history, and that is what I am talking about. The biases that rule this world, and create hate where there should be love.

I am madly and deeply in love with The Militant Baker. This beautiful amazing woman is going to be one of the ground breakers in changing this world. Why?? Because her message is the same message that of all these other great people have been trying to give… it’s LOVE!!! So fucking simple right?? LOVE!!!

It’s almost funny because I am NOT a religious person. I have my own issues with religion. I do not practice any kind of religious anything. I do not go to church but I believe in Love. I believe love changes people. I believe love is the answer to everything wrong in this world. Letting people be exactly who they are… and loving them anyway. Not spewing what YOU think they need to be!

If a person wants to lose weight… then they should. Do it for yourself. AWESOME!!! If you would like to help other folks that want to do the same thing…. awesome! If you decide that other overweight people NOW need to lose weight because YOU decided to… NOT awesome! Just because it was right for you… and YOU did it, DOES NOT mean it is for EVERYBODY! Maybe THIN is NOT their bliss. Maybe they already love themselves JUST AS THEY ARE! WOW… what a concept.

As I was doing my morning routine and reading different articles and browsing the internet, .I came across an article about a woman who posted pictures of herself and got hateful comments because of her body size. She was shamed and ridiculed because people felt she was not the “right” body type for a certain outfit! She posted the pictures anyway and wrote an article about how she loves herself just as she is and she is still going to wear the clothing she loves. The very top comment said “I am SO SICK of seeing these articles about fat people loving themselves!” I have to tell you….that comment alone was almost enough to make me leave the internet forever! The fact that there is literally a person walking on this planet that feels this way…it’s almost scary! I re-call from history that Hitler preached things like… Be like me or die! If you are not the shining example of what I say is “perfect” than you don’t even deserve to exist! WHOA!! and the fact that there are still people walking around today that believe you have to look and be a certain way or you do not even deserve love! Scary!!

There are people that I love so desperately and dearly that are fat, gay, and have a different color of skin than mine! I love them so much, I love who they are…I love them so deeply…and yet the world is hateful to them. They don’t know them at all…only judge what they are looking at!! As a mom, I worry about my kids future. I more than any person in this world want them to succeed in all things. But I also realize that this world is tough place sometimes. I wonder if telling them they can be anything they want to be is really the truth!

I want my kids to not be afraid to be who they are. EXACTLY who they are. I made a decision. I will teach my kids about LOVE! I will teach them to love themselves fiercely and unapologetically in all things. On my quest to teach my children all about love and acceptance, I have trudged through such an enormous amount of hate! Articles and blogs, videos and comments upon comments of hate! 1st rule of the internet NEVER EVER read the comments!!!! Just don’t do it!! Such pure HATE! It really makes a person second guess why they are even trying. But I push through searching and learning for myself. Learning ways that I can teach my children to love and accept themselves, not change themselves. And then I found these amazing people in the world. That are pushing through with their message of LOVE! Acceptance!

So the thing is….. I really just want to know WHY?? If you are upset at someone, or hate them because of the shape or size of their body, or you hate someone because of their choice in who they spend their days with… or the color or shade of their skin or hair, or eyes…. or you hate someone because of the way they dress…. or what gender they are…. or what they choose to eat….. or if you hate someone for any reason really…. just any reason at all…. you need to ask yourself WHY?? Why do I HATE this person?

If you are SO SICK of seeing people find self love or self acceptance and this somehow makes you angry that instead of changing to be what YOU think they should be, …they actually decided to be themselves and be okay with it, and this makes you angry…. WHY?? Ask YOURSELF WHY??? And then maybe, just maybe instead of spending so much time trying to change the people you see in front of you, turn your eyes inward and look to change YOU! If you want to stop having to see fat people, or gay people, or any type of person that makes you angry…. then look inside of YOURSELF! Because once you do that…. what you see will be the one thing you can change. And that would be yourself! The only one that matters!

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The Chronicles of Dieting… (I just want a Taco)..

I have chronicled the stages of dieting for you! Or at least when I diet. Which I have been trying to do lately but it keeps ending up badly…. I just happen to be one of those people that makes really bad decisions, ..and 90% of the time they are food related!

First stage – You decide after a particularly heavy weekend of nachos and cheese fries that the time has come for you to make some changes. Not only have your sweats become almost too tight,…but you have an on going third boob because your boobs refuse to fit in your bra properly. They just keep billowing out!!
Also due to the fact that you have never had a thigh gap, all of your pants have the “thinning” thing happening in the crotch area…and every time you take off your pants your underwear comes with it.

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Next you do some research online looking up best exercise to zap fat quickly, .and look up best breakfast foods to eat for optimum health and fitness. You look at some recipes,…and maybe make a grocery list. You dig out your old Thigh Master from back in 82’…which by the way was the last time you had a bright idea like this about getting fit! You give it a try. You realize in the first 3 seconds that you can’t even get the Thigh Master to close because you are so out of shape. Hm… the first spark of “what have I gotten myself into” hits you, but you shake it off, …dust off the Thigh Master, and set your alarm clock for ass o’clock so that you can get up extra early and get started on a new you!

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The alarm clock goes off! You hit the snooze…..it goes off again and you hit the snooze one more time. Just 10 more minutes is all you need. It goes off again, and you consider hitting it again, but you made a commitment, and you need to get your ass up and DO THIS!! ugh….So you stumble out of bed, get your self dressed and head out for a walk/run thing. You put on Eminem because he is the only one that could really understand your level of anger at this point! You start walking, and decide to try a jog. I mean…why not…people jog right?? As soon as you start jogging you stop! NOPE!! Not ALL people jog! And I’m one of them.

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You make it home, and now it’s time to get your healthy breakfast started. You found some recipes and eating plans online. As you are looking through them, you realize that all of the things involve cooking. Way more cooking than you ever want to do in life. Cooking just happens to be one of the things you are challenged in. So you grab an apple and a granola bar and head out the door.

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As you are doing your running around, you scarf the apple and granola bar,…but for some reason you are still hungry. Your stomach is like..”An apple…..really??…fuck you!”.. But you ignore it and tell your stomach to shut up because you are getting fit now and it just has to deal with things like apples and celery!

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It’s weird….you have never noticed before when you are driving by a Taco Bell how awesome it smelled. But for some reason…..Now the smell of a full on Thanksgiving dinner is wafting into your vehicle. Since when does Taco Bell smell like Thanksgiving dinner?! Well, I guess since your stomach is pissed off and ready to eat itself…now everything is going to smell AMAZING! You decide it’s a good time to head home,…and as you are passing a Dunken Donuts you flip them off! Just because…

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You make it home WITHOUT actually stopping for pizza or ice cream. You give yourself a pat on the back.
You know what does it…..you know what completely makes you lose your shit? As you are going through your kids backpack, …you notice 3 half melted peanut butter M & M’s at the bottom of their back pack! Sitting there,..not in any protective packaging or anything. Just sitting there, and for some reason the pull is too much for you. You grab them and stuff them in your mouth!!! The nasty….disease ridden M & M’s from the bottom of your kid’s backpack!! WHY????… I passed a Taco Bell, and pizza, …I made it through the bakery at the grocery store,….I even bought ice cream bars for the kids and they successfully made it home and into the freezer without being opened. But 3 nasty M &M’s and I couldn’t control myself!!!

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The last stage of the dieting process is this…since you had the M & M’s you might as well order that pizza that you skipped today, and finish it off with the ice cream sandwiches you bought for the kids….just don’t tell the kids about them.

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And then….you decide that TOMORROW IS THE DAY!! The day you go on the straight and narrow and eat celery for breakfast….Tomorrow…

Where did I put that Thigh Master again??…

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To drink bacteria or not….that is the question…

These are entirely true events that took place! No exaggerating or embellishing on any of the facts. This happened you guys!!! I witnessed this entire thing, and I am currently a changed person because of it! Changed forever!!!
The other day,…the husband and I were running errands and we were kid free. They were at home with a sitter. We had been out running around all day and decided that we were hungry, and conveniently at the moment of hunger we pass a Subway.
Me – “Subway sounds good! You want to get a sandwich?”
The Husband – “Yeah…I could do a sandwich!! get it…DO a sandwich!”
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink,…

Anyway….back to the story….so we enter the Subway, and there is not many people at all in the building. Just the worker behind the counter and a few people eating in the food area. We decided on what we want and we order our sandwiches. I always get the Turkey with avocado in it. YUM! The husband got one of those Philly Cheese steak things and opted out on the toasted option! He can do whatever he wants…but I did make sure to let him know that I absolutely disagreed with his opting out on getting it toasted. I just think he was making a mistake on that ya know….Philly Cheese steak needs to be toasted…Just Saying!!..

So we get our sandwiches, and we got some drinks. They hand us two cups and we head over to the soda pop machine to get our drinks. It’s a self serv soda pop machine so they give you a cup and you are on your own from there. As I am filling up my cup with ice, I notice a sign that is taped to the top of the soda pop machine. It’s not a huge sign, …and it’s not flashing with lights or anything. It’s just delicately taped to the top. So I read it. This is exactly what it says:
THERE HAS BEEN BACTERIA FOUND IN THE DRINKING WATER! WHEN BACTERIA IS FOUND…THE BEST WAY TO KEEP FROM GETTING SICK IS TO BOIL THE WATER! THIS IS A PUBLIC NOTICE!

And that’s it folks. That was the sign taped to the soda pop machine.
Let’s start with. what isn’t wrong with this?! And how many people are walking around with a pot handy to just boil some water that has bacteria in it?! Both the husband and I dump the ice and head to the counter where I told the guy we would prefer to have the closed soda bottles from the refrigerator. He handed us two soda’s.
We found a seat. I couldn’t help but look down at my sandwich and wonder if there is anything in it that would have required using the bacteria water.
But here….this is the best part of the story! As we sat there…a gentleman walked in and ordered a sandwich. He walked over to the soda pop machine. He started filling up his cup and didn’t even notice the sign. Being the good citizen I am, I pointed out to him the sign just so he knew. He read it…shrugged his shoulders and kept on filling up. Then two ladies came in. Ordered….walked over to the soda pop machine, and started filling up there cups. I’m pretty sure they didn’t notice the sign either. They sat somewhat close to where we were sitting, and right before they ate their food…they prayed over it. Like they bowed their heads and said a prayer. All I kept thinking is, I hope that prayer works for the drinks too! You might want to add in the soda’s to that message to God!

At this point…we were just watching all the people that came in, ordered food,…and got drinks. Most of them read the sign and kept on filling up there cups. They didn’t care at all! There was only one person that dumped their cup and got a closed soda pop like we did! ONE PERSON!!! I don’t know about you…but I generally like my drinks WITHOUT bacteria in it. It’s just a thing I have I guess! I prefer my drinks bacteria FREE!

But the fact that most people are okay with bacteria floating around there drinks…well, it makes me lose faith in humanity a little bit. And makes me slightly afraid of trusting anyone else to ever cook my food. I may not be able to eat at restaurant ever again!

Okay…that’s going too far!! There is no way I’m giving up pizza delivery!…

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An Open Letter to: Door to Door Solicitors…

The house was so quiet and still. The only sound was of quiet children sleeping and dreaming and NOT making noise! As I lay in bed snuggled up warm and cozy soaking in every bit of sleep I can….I am violently jarred awake from the sound of my doorbell ringing. It rings again but this time the perpetrator rings it 3 times back to back in a row…I guess for good measure. Then comes the banging on the door. I jump up out of bed and look at the clock. It is barely 7:30 on a Saturday!!! A SATURDAY!!!!! Why the hell is someone banging on my door as if a meteor is crashing into earth and we only have seconds to live! I stumble out into the living room. At this point everyone in the house is awake and the kids are turning on the t.v and saying things like “I’m hungry…is breakfast ready?” Um, excuse me people of my Vagina…but does it look like I have been cooking breakfast??? The doorbell rings one more time, …and so at this point….I’m pissed! really just annoyed and pissed! I open the door with all the force of a woman on the verge of murder just to be faced with a college aged kid holding a vacuum in his hand!

 

 

“Oh…good morning maam, ..I hope I didn’t wake you!”

 

 

I guess the fact that my hair looks like a banshees and the fact that I have mascara smeared all over my face because I didn’t wash it off before bed, …or maybe even the fact that the shirt I grabbed to put on was the closest thing to me and it was out of the dirty hamper and has dried up puke all over the front of it was not clue enough for this kid that he in fact HAD woken me up!

 

 

“Well maam, do I have a surprise for you! This vacuum here is the greatest thing you will ever see in your life! It can do the most amazing things! After using this vacuum just once, you will never be able to go back to a regular vacuum again! This will change your life completely!”

 

 

He asked for it you guys:

 

 

“Change my life completely hu?? Make all my dreams come true hu?? Well, ….as you can see….I don’t even have carpet! I actually have hard wood floors. Do you know why I have hard wood floors? Because my asshole dog decided that the carpet was a great place for him to piss….ALL THE TIME! So bye bye carpet!! On top of that…when I did have carpet, ….do you honestly think I gave a flying fuck how my vacuum worked? Well let me give you a bit of insight…I didn’t! As long as it sucked up the cheerios and hair balls it was all good with me! But those days are over now thanks to my asshole dog. Today is Saturday….ah lovely Saturday…the day when most people get to actually sleep in! Today was special too….because most days my kids are up at ass o clock…but not today! Do you know why they were sleeping in today?”

 

“No Maam I don’t!….but can I just show you that this vacuum has an attachment for wood floors”

 

 

“Really??? An attachment?? Unless that attachment can make me moan with unabashed pleasure that is seeping from my loans…(yep…I said it)…then I do not want it!! Do you hear me?? Do you know what I want?? DO YOU??”
by now I can see the fear in his eyes and he slowly starts to back away! OH NO…he is not getting away that easily… YOU did this motherfucker!

 

 

“I want to sleep! I’m tired! I’m friggin tired! My kids didn’t go to bed until 1 in the morning last night! Then finally after they fell asleep, .I laid my head down and 15 minutes later I heard yelling. I ran into my kids room just in time to watch him puke all over his bed! It’s now 2 in the morning and I have my son in the bath. Cleaned him up….made a bed on the floor and bagged up all the puke stuff. As soon as he lied down…he puked again! awesome! Yep…back in the bath again! At this point most of the blankets and sheets have been puked on so i don’t have much to choose from. I have bags full of puke things, …and it’s now close to 3 in the morning. If you think I am doing laundry at 3 in the morning you can think again! I make another bed for the boy….put a puke bucket next to him..and beg him with everything inside of me to make it in the bucket next time! Finally I lay down….look at the clock, …oh it’s 4! I hear some moaning and groaning, and then a yell. Out of bed again and back in the kids room. My daughter is holding her stomach. I grab her out of bed and start racing for the bathroom but do you think we made it? DO YOU??? NOPE! She puked all down the front of me. And I’m talking in my hair….down my boobs, …and she even got some in my mouth?? Yep…in my damn mouth!!!! Look here…do you see this sticky crap in my hair??? That’s puke my friend. want to smell it?? because I can smell it right now! But as you can see….the kids are fine now! Do you see them over there by the t.v. whining for breakfast?? DO YOU???”

 

 

“Um, ..maam…I’m sorry…I have to go….Please…can I go?”

 

 

“Actually NO…YOU CAN”T GO!!!! Since you decided to show up at my house at ass o clock and wake me up after only having 1 1/2 hours of sleep…you can take that attachment you were talking about, and clean up the kids room! How about that?? Get in there and clean my kids room if you think your vacuum is soooooo great!!! DO IT!!!”

 

 

“Hey, …why are you running away??? Come Back???”

 

 

This here…..this is a perfect example of why door to door solicitors should not exist anymore!! Why is this even a thing? It’s not the 1940’s anymore folks…we have the Internet, .and Walmart….why is door to door soliciting a thing! With a debit card,  I can buy every damn thing I need right from my bed while still wearing my pj’s! So STOP with the door to door. First of all…..most of the time, I am not going to answer anyway because if I don’t know you…there is always the chance that you could be a murderer/rapist! How am I suppose to know if your intentions are clearly to sell me a damn vacuum or to murder me with a vacuum attachment! And if you are not a murderer/rapist….I’m still not going to answer because I am BROKE as fuck!! I mean seriously…it;s not like I have money floating around to just give you so I can buy a vacuum that I am never going to use!

 

 

On another note…if you are trying to sell me Jesus…..or a bible…Listen okay…I have a GPS, If I want to find Jesus..I can do it! I do not need you banging on my door right at the moment my kids actually decided to lay down for a nap to tell me how to find Jesus! I am perfectly capable of finding Jesus on my own! I mean..here In America…Do you really think there is anyone that doesn’t already know about Jesus??? Come on people!!!

 

 

So there you have it….All the reason’s they should DO AWAY with door to door solicitors! It’s just not safe in these times to be having folks knocking on your door. Not safe FOR THEM at all!!!

 

 

Okay….I make one amendment to my rule…If you are a 12 year old selling cookies….then please, …feel free to knock on my door! Even if it’s morning or really late at night, ..and if I don’t answer just keep banging. I mean really put some muscle into it too, ….ring the doorbell and bang LOUDLY on my door. Especially if they are the kind with the peanut butter in the middle! If you have to…..pry open my damn door because…you know….cookies!…

 

 

 

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And this one just because…

 

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