YOU are going to Die!!

You know what….let’s talk about death!! I know, I know, …it’s an extremely unpopular subject and doesn’t create happy inducing thoughts at all! But…. who cares!!

I was reading a Facebook post the other day from someone who decided to quit smoking because they didn’t want to die. Well… that’s awesome that you decided to quit smoking,  but I have bad news for you… you are still going to die! Here is the thing….. Everything that is alive on this floating rock.. will die. EVERYTHING!!! As a matter of fact, ..I decided to put together a list for you of all the people that are going to die.

If you run 5 miles a day… you will die!

If you never exercise even 2 minutes of your life… you will die!

If you eat kale for breakfast lunch and dinner every single day… you will die!

If you eat doritos for breakfast , lunch and dinner…. you will die!

If you are an athlete that won a gold medal in the Olympics… you will die!

If you are a couch potato that watches Netflix 10 hours a day… you will die!

If you are fat… you will die!

If you are thin… you will die!

If you are straight… you will die!

If you are gay… you will die!

If you are vegan… you will die!

If you are a meat eater… you will die!

If you dance the tango… you will die!

If you drive a mini van… you will die!

If you have a tattoo… you will die!

If you put lotion on every day… you will die!

If you have purple/green/pink hair… YOU WILL DIE!!!

 

My point is…. it does not matter what the hell you do, … everything with life has the same destiny.. and that is death! So stop using your judgments as a way of trying to get people to live the way YOU think they should live. Nothing you do will save you from death! NOTHING! It literally comes down to a matter of how and when you will die. NO ONE can predict that. You can be the healthiest vegan around and run marathons on a regular basis, and still not be able to predict your death.

 

People die everyday from random things.

 

When I was a kid, I used to fear death so much. I didn’t even like talking about it because anxiety would fill my chest and I almost couldn’t breathe. I realized after a while that it really wasn’t the idea of death itself that bothered me so much, ..but the thought of not being around the people I love anymore.

 

We are the ones that make death such a negative thing. None of us really know if the actual journey of death is negative. We just assume it is. Myself…. I fear more the way I will die. I mean, ..nobody wants to die from something as lame as laying in your bed watching a marathon of The Housewives of New Jersey and eating cheddar cheese bratwurst, ..and as you are shoving the bratwurst in your face, it gets lodged in your throat. Now you are choking on it and no one is around to give you the Heimlichs…so that’s it! Your journey on this planet is done because of cheddar cheese bratwurst! And now whoever finds you will see that you were eating bratwurst in your bed while wearing underwear at 3:00 O clock in the afternoon. let’s not forget that whole dying on the toilet thing that Elvis did. The guy spent his life being the epitome of a sex symbol just to be found face down on a toilet with his soiled ass in the air!

 

Everyone wants an epic death. If you had a chance to be a Hero, and save a bunch of babies and puppies from a burning building, ..wouldn’t you choose that? Or picture this…..There is an asteroid the size of Texas headed towards Earth, and we only have 18 days until impact. When it does hit the Earth, the planet itself and all of its inhabitants will be obliterated. YOU are the only one that can save earth!! It’s between you and the love of your daughters life to hit the final button that will blow up an atomic bomb inside of the asteroid that will ultimately STOP the asteroid from hitting earth! …Instead of letting the boy that your daughter is madly in love with die, YOU push him out of the way and take his place…. um, …I’m talking about a movie aren’t I? I knew this story sounded familiar!! Well….if you could die like Bruce Willis being all heroic and what not… wouldn’t you? …( Armageddon Shoutout)

 

I’m just saying I think even scarier than death itself is HOW it will occur, and when, because we just don’t know.

 

So my point is… Do what you want. Eat what you want,…Wear what you want….and quit worrying about what other people think of you! Because not only will you die anyway, …they are also going to die! And no amount of kale will tell you when it’s going to happen. It sneaks up on all of us.

 

Instead…. do what makes YOU happy! Do what brings YOU joy. Do what makes YOU feel amazing. Find what YOU love and do that! Stop listening to what someone else thinks you should be doing.

 

Unless you happen to be a Vampire, your time on this rock is as fleeting as anyone else’s. The truth is, ..I have no desire to live as long as possible, How many people like hanging out with the 100 and over crowd! No one is banging down their doors to party with.

 

So maybe Peter Pan has the right idea…. To die would be an Awfully Big Adventure!

 

BUT TO LIVE….TO LIVE WOULD BE AN AWFULLY BIG ADVENTURE!!…

So Live now my friends… Be Happy!

mf

 

 

What if Dog’s took selfies?…

Have you ever wondered what it would look like if your dog or cat could take selfies and post them on social media? I have often wondered what is going on in that furry head of Buster’s.

 

And then it happened…..

 

I was downloading some pictures from my camera and found these…..  Oh Buster!!!

 

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And of course we can”t forget this one…

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Well…… There you have it!   I guess I better start hiding the camera, ..or open up an Instagram for Buster…

Goblins, Ghouls, and…. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!…

Halloween is right around the corner. Are you ready?? Have you already purchased your kids Halloween costumes and bought your bags of candy to pass out to all the ghouls and goblins that will be knocking on your door that night? Good for you!! It’s always a good idea to stay ahead of the game and be prepared in advance.

 
For me though….I tend to never be ready in advance. As a matter of fact….I am LATE to everything. But when it comes to Halloween, …I purposely choose to be late! Here are all the reasons I wait until the very last second to buy my kids Halloween costumes and candy!

 
September 30th (The 8 year old) – “I want to be Elsa for Halloween…I want to freeze everything and make an ice castle. I definitely want to be Elsa this year!”

 

 
October 1st ( The 8 year old) – “I think I want to be Anna from frozen instead of Elsa….she is better because I like how she sings and I really like her dress! I want to be Anna for Halloween.”

 

 
October 2nd (The 8 year old) – “I decided to be a black kitty for Halloween. I have always wanted to be a black kitty!”

 

 
October 3rd (The 9 year old) – “I want to be Luigi for Halloween”

 

 
October 4th (The 9 year old) – “I changed my mind..I want to be Harry Potter….I need a wand”

 

 
October 5th (The 9 year old) – “I REALLY REALLY want to be Iron Man! I Love Iron Man!!”

 

 
October 6th – (Me) *hm, …that Halloween candy is just sitting in the closet…just sitting there! I’ll just open the bag and eat one. Only one! …. (20 pieces later)….oh crap!! Well, …I’ll just buy more…

 

 
October 7th (The 8 and 9 year old’s simultaneously) – “Mom…we changed our minds about our costumes…..We want to be Dead Ninja warriors”..

 

 

Me – blink, blink, blink…

 

October 8th (The 9 year old) – “Last year for Halloween my friend was a zombie dog for Halloween…that’s what I want to be! A zombie dog!”

 

 
October 9th (Me) – *stashes the new bags of candy in the bottom of my sock drawer.

 

 
October 10th (Me) – *thinks the sock drawer is a bad idea because what if the candy melts. Grabs the candy out of the sock drawer…and eats it! oh crap…I need to buy more candy…

 

 
October 11th ( The 14 year old) – “Mom….I was invited to a Halloween costume party and I want to be a baked potato! I would totally win!!!”

 

 
Me – *A baked potato??? A friggin baked potato??? I need some chocolate…

 

 
October 12th (The 14 year old) – “Never mind mom…I’m not going to the Halloween party, ..but I still want a costume. I guess I’ll just be a mummy and wrap myself up in toilet paper! Then I could use the toilet paper to cover Jake’s house because he told me I had skunk eyebrows!”

 

 

 

*What the hell are skunk eyebrows?

 

 
October 13th (The 8 year old) – “I don’t want to dress up for Halloween!! I’m NOT dressing up!”

 

 
Me – *GOOD!!! ….I need some chocolate! …hm, where did I put that bag of candy again…

 

 
October 14th (The 8 year old) – “Mommy, Mommy,….I want to be an angel for Halloween. With wings and everything”..

 

 
Me – (in my head).. *an angel….um, …yeah…try again kid…

 

 
October 15th (Me) – *buys 4 more bags of candy to make sure I will have some here for Halloween night!

 

 
October 16th (Me) – *Eats 4 bags of candy! ….

 

 
October 17th (The 9 year old) – “Okay….I decided I really, really, really want to be a pirate! A REAL pirate though. With a REAL sword and a REAL parrot!.. I promise I won’t actually stab anybody with the real sword!!

 
Me – Blink, Blink, Blink…

 

 
October 18th (The 9 year old) – “I know I said I really, really  was sure about being a pirate but I changed my mind! I want to be dog puke! My friend was dog puke last year and the costume was so funny. We could totally make dog puke..it would be easy!

 

 

 

October 19th , 20th, 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th,27th,28th,29th.… “Mom, I want to be this. no that, no this, no that….never mind…I want to be this….No I want to be that….etc….etc…..etc…..

 

 

 

October 30th – We drive to the store to buy costumes….. (ME) – “Well kids, …looks like you can choose between being a pumpkin or a ghost! Make your choice because this is all they have left!”…

 

 

 

Halloween Night – “Oh you guys looks so cute in your costumes. A pumpkin and A ghost!…Now where did I put that Halloween candy again??”… oh crap…

 

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Change the Channel and Pass the Popcorn!~

Have you ever been watching a T.V. show, ..and a random thought pops in your head? It happens sometimes. So I thought I would give you a glimpse into my weird brain and share some of the many thoughts I have had while watching some of my T.V. Shows….

 

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL- I could do that pose so much better. I mean, they are completely missing the art of it.

 

 

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY- Wow, they are dysfunctional bitchy back stabbers. Why am I watching this again? Oh look! Another cat fight!

 

 

SHERLOCK- Hm, maybe I could deduce somebody like that… *looks over at friend. I can tell by the wrinkle in their shirt that they…. crap, I don’t know.

 

 

SUPERNATURAL- There is no way that dude eats nothing but cheeseburgers and pie, and still looks like an underwear model. That’s the most supernatural thing about this show.

 

 

ANIMAL COPS- No no no no no, change it change it change it. I don’t want to see that.

 

 

HOARDERS- Compared to them, I am a clean freak. I’m like the flippin Queen of England.

 

 

GAME OF THRONES- Another sex scene, really? I mean, I don’t mind sex, but can’t we just have another bloody battle instead? I might as well just be watching porn.

 

 

MINDY PROJECT- HAHAHAHAHA! OMG, Mindy, stop! I’m gonna pee my pants! HAHAHA!

 

 

OPRAH- Aw, they all get free ipods and free cars and free bedsheets. And what do I get? Nothing.

 

 

TOP CHEF- Oh geez, that looks good. I would eat all of that. And the judge says it’s mediocre? Shut up, judge! I don’t want to hear it. All I have to eat is mac and cheese.

 

 

BIGGEST LOSER- I could probably do that exercise… If they can, I can… Who am I kidding? My ass is basically glued to this couch….*could you pass the popcorn…

 

 

THE WALKING DEAD- I don’t know which is more gross: The zombies or people doing it when they haven’t showered in two years.

 

 

ONCE UPON A TIME- So, wait? He’s the grandfather of the son of the sister of the evil step mother? I’m confused.

 

 

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK- It doesn’t look too bad. I could probably handle prison. I bet I’d be the toughest one in there. Except the whole pooping in front of people thing… I don’t think I could do that…

 

 

ELEMENTARY- So this is like Sherlock… but without Benedict Cumberbatch… I want Benedict Cumberbatch.

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19 KIDS AND COUNTING – nope.  *turns off T.V. and heads to the bathroom to pluck eyebrows! ….plucking eyebrows is more interesting!!

 

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How to stay Trendy on the Internet!~

Do you ever feel like you just don’t know what is going on. You always seem to miss the new trend that is happening on Social Media. Yeah….me too…..

So I did some research and put together a few ways that will help you to stay trendy online! Check it out!

Top ten ways to stay trendy on the Interwebz!~

1) Since we are approaching Autumn time again….the most glorious of seasons, with all the beautiful colors and the weather starting to change, always make sure that when you are on Facebook, you leave posts about how much you hate any and all things Pumpkin. Especially Pumpkin latte’s! Hate them! Make sure to post about it a few times a week and find pumpkin products to show everyone how much you hate pumpkin! It’s actually more popular to hate it then love it right now, so if you happen to be one of those folks that really does like pumpkin latte’s…you might want to keep it to yourself!

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2) Again we are at that time of year where Football is back!! If you live in America then you know that football is a thing!! People get crazy about it! To stay trendy, …make sure that you tweet as much as possible about YOUR team. Also comment often on the posts that other folks have posted about THEIR teams and make sure to let them know how their team sucks ass!!! If there is a football game on, …make sure that you post about every single play that happens and how angry you are about it all!!

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3) If you are one of those folks that is not into football, make sure to post often about how you are not into football!

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4) I am a Bay Area girl! I grew up in California, and my heart will always remain there! To all my Cali people…I love you!! But if you are from California, and it happens to rain, …Immediately get on your social media and let everyone know!!! IT IS RAINING!!! Be careful out there folks! Water is falling from the sky which means things will happen….Many things! If you live in California and you want to be trendy….Post about the rain when it rains!

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5) If you are a Blogger, make sure that you blog about Miley Cyrus! It doesn’t matter what you write about….just make sure that you do!

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6) If you are a mom…..you must hate Calliou! If you want to be trendy you have to follow these instructions. Hate his voice, and make sure to talk about how much you hate him on social media! Can I just say though….this one has a lot of merit to it! Have you ever heard Calliou’s voice??? Nails on a chalkboard!!!

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7) Hashtags!!! – #sorrynotsorry #jussayin #livinthedream. #nofilter. I have used those many times. There is also a big list of hashtags that are trending. You can actually find those on Google. An entire list of the hashtags you can use so that you can stay trendy!! One of the longest-running hashtags on Twitter, #FollowFriday or #FF is a way for Twitter users to recommend their favorite tweeters to their followers. It happens every Friday and is a worldwide event. Ideally, #FollowFriday should consist of recommendations for Twitter accounts that one believes are genuinely awesome, but for the most part people just #FF all their followers so that no one will feel left out, creating something closer to white noise.

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8) Also use Hashtags on Facebook! Even though they really mean nothing on Facebook! JUST DO IT!

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9) Every Monday post about how much you Hate Mondays! Don’t ever post something about loving Mondays and being so happy that you have to get up for work again! Not only will everyone hate you….chances are you will be thrown out of social media all together!

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10) There are two kinds of people on the internet! Iphone people and NOT Iphone people. Pick a side folks!! There is no cross over here. You pick a side and go with it. If you happen to be an Iphone person, post often about how awesome your Iphone or Ipad is. And how all the other idiots that don’t have one will never know how awesome it really is! If you go in the other direction, which is basically any other kind of phone…make sure to let everyone know that you will NEVER own an Iphone. Not even if someone paid you too!!…and laugh at the people that have a phone that is bent to the shape of their ass now!… ;)

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Bonus – Always make sure to keep up on what the National Day of the year it is. Like for instance if it is National Dog day…post pics of your dog. Or National coffee day, post pics of your coffee, …maybe it’s National pancake day or National pie day! Just as long as you post pics of your pancake and/or pie…you will for sure stay trendy!

What is out:

Some of the trends that were really big a few years back have made there way out. Like taking pictures of your dinner. You don’t see much of that anymore. Which kind of makes me sad because at least I knew whose house to crash for dinner. Also posting 5 million selfies has kind of made it’s way out. It’s more about the picture bombers these days. Posting a selfie while you are simultaneously picture bombing someone else…that is the shit my friends!!

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Disclaimer: I have done all of these things. So don’t get all pissy at me because I’m pointing it out! I use Hashtags sometimes, and I complain about Calliou. I am not really a fan of football but I do have a team I connect with so of course I have to post “Go Niners!!”  Which is ridiculous because I never watch the games. I don’t post about rain anymore, ..but you better believe I have posted when it is 10 degrees below zero! I have to complain to someone about it! I do love Pumpkin latte’s though! and you know what… #sorrynotsorry!!!

I have a Dream… Maybe you do too??

I have a dream!! A very vivid dream…. of a world. A different world… A place that is much like the “Heaven” that many people think of. A place of acceptance. A place of happiness. A place of True Love.
I often have felt that this place… this “Heaven”… it could be here. It could be now. Life… it’s a gift. We are here for a reason. We have LIFE!! We have the ability to Love at the most extreme level. Why can’t this be heaven? Here and now! It’s really up to us. The people. The ones that have life. It is OUR choice!

So many people that have lived and also had a dream about a better world, many of them never lived long enough to see their dream come true. But it did! It has gotten better. It gets a little better every day.

I dream of a world where you can do the things that bring you such complete happiness and bliss, and never have to answer for it.
Which brings me to this:

Why does it bother you that the person sitting next you is fat? WHY? If your answer is that they are unhealthy… let me now ask you this. How do you know that? How can you tell? A person that snorts cocaine everyday is thin, … but they are unhealthy. A person that drinks soda and smokes cigarettes all day long everyday can be thin… but unhealthy,  a person that has cancer could possibly be thin… but unhealthy. Why then do you think you know the health of another human being just by the size of their frame? If there was ten people standing in a line up… and two of those ten people had cancer, ..but they all were different sizes, different shapes, different cultures, ….do you think you would know the two with cancer?? WHY do you think you have the ability to tell how healthy a person is just by looking at them?

Do you think you could tell who is GAY??…. Who does drugs?…. Who smokes cigarettes?… Who drinks green smoothies?… Who has 3 kids, …. Who likes to eat pizza, just by looking at them?? You would be exponentially wrong about your impressions!

Now back to why you actually believe you care about a complete strangers health. Do you?? REALLY?? You are going along with your day, and all of a sudden you see a complete stranger walking down the street. This stranger is a fat person, and all of a sudden YOU CARE about their health! So much that you need to make all kinds of assumptions about them as a person. They are Lazy, they eat Mcdonalds, they drink soda pop all day! How do you know that?? YOU DON”T!!!

When I was growing up…. the world was a much harder place to live in if you were gay. In the 70′s and 80′s people actually believed that if you were gay you would most likely end up with aids and were going to give it to everybody!! People used that as an excuse to be awful to gay folks. So many people hid away, and were so afraid to be open about who they really are. And live a life in which they are open to love whomever they choose. The world has become better. Yes, … homophobia still exists… but it has gotten better.

I often think about the people that have a dream of a better world and how they stood up trying to show others that by choosing Love… it will always be the right choice. People like Jesus, Buddha, Martin Luther King jr, Gandhi, Benjamin Franklin, Dali Lama, Rosa Parks, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela… just to name a few. And people of today standing up and changing the world. Oprah, Ellen, IO tillet wright, Misha collins (Founder of gishwhes), Jes The Militant Baker, and SO many more.
I remember clearly watching Ellen DeGeneres on her sitcom show back in the mid 90′s, and the day she decided to come out on the show. About a month later it was canceled. It was too much for people to see. But because she did that, because she made the choice to stand up for love… it opened the door. Now you can see an openly loving gay couple on TV and it’s okay. She helped to push that door open…

Some of you might say that being gay and being fat are different, that one is a personal choice and one isn’t… I don’t believe that, but more than anything, I am comparing those that have been hated or singled out. Those that are seen as “different” therefore not right. Biases have been present in all of human history, and that is what I am talking about. The biases that rule this world, and create hate where there should be love.

I am madly and deeply in love with The Militant Baker. This beautiful amazing woman is going to be one of the ground breakers in changing this world. Why?? Because her message is the same message that of all these other great people have been trying to give… it’s LOVE!!! So fucking simple right?? LOVE!!!

It’s almost funny because I am NOT a religious person. I have my own issues with religion. I do not practice any kind of religious anything. I do not go to church but I believe in Love. I believe love changes people. I believe love is the answer to everything wrong in this world. Letting people be exactly who they are… and loving them anyway. Not spewing what YOU think they need to be!

If a person wants to lose weight… then they should. Do it for yourself. AWESOME!!! If you would like to help other folks that want to do the same thing…. awesome! If you decide that other overweight people NOW need to lose weight because YOU decided to… NOT awesome! Just because it was right for you… and YOU did it, DOES NOT mean it is for EVERYBODY! Maybe THIN is NOT their bliss. Maybe they already love themselves JUST AS THEY ARE! WOW… what a concept.

As I was doing my morning routine and reading different articles and browsing the internet, .I came across an article about a woman who posted pictures of herself and got hateful comments because of her body size. She was shamed and ridiculed because people felt she was not the “right” body type for a certain outfit! She posted the pictures anyway and wrote an article about how she loves herself just as she is and she is still going to wear the clothing she loves. The very top comment said “I am SO SICK of seeing these articles about fat people loving themselves!” I have to tell you….that comment alone was almost enough to make me leave the internet forever! The fact that there is literally a person walking on this planet that feels this way…it’s almost scary! I re-call from history that Hitler preached things like… Be like me or die! If you are not the shining example of what I say is “perfect” than you don’t even deserve to exist! WHOA!! and the fact that there are still people walking around today that believe you have to look and be a certain way or you do not even deserve love! Scary!!

There are people that I love so desperately and dearly that are fat, gay, and have a different color of skin than mine! I love them so much, I love who they are…I love them so deeply…and yet the world is hateful to them. They don’t know them at all…only judge what they are looking at!! As a mom, I worry about my kids future. I more than any person in this world want them to succeed in all things. But I also realize that this world is tough place sometimes. I wonder if telling them they can be anything they want to be is really the truth!

I want my kids to not be afraid to be who they are. EXACTLY who they are. I made a decision. I will teach my kids about LOVE! I will teach them to love themselves fiercely and unapologetically in all things. On my quest to teach my children all about love and acceptance, I have trudged through such an enormous amount of hate! Articles and blogs, videos and comments upon comments of hate! 1st rule of the internet NEVER EVER read the comments!!!! Just don’t do it!! Such pure HATE! It really makes a person second guess why they are even trying. But I push through searching and learning for myself. Learning ways that I can teach my children to love and accept themselves, not change themselves. And then I found these amazing people in the world. That are pushing through with their message of LOVE! Acceptance!

So the thing is….. I really just want to know WHY?? If you are upset at someone, or hate them because of the shape or size of their body, or you hate someone because of their choice in who they spend their days with… or the color or shade of their skin or hair, or eyes…. or you hate someone because of the way they dress…. or what gender they are…. or what they choose to eat….. or if you hate someone for any reason really…. just any reason at all…. you need to ask yourself WHY?? Why do I HATE this person?

If you are SO SICK of seeing people find self love or self acceptance and this somehow makes you angry that instead of changing to be what YOU think they should be, …they actually decided to be themselves and be okay with it, and this makes you angry…. WHY?? Ask YOURSELF WHY??? And then maybe, just maybe instead of spending so much time trying to change the people you see in front of you, turn your eyes inward and look to change YOU! If you want to stop having to see fat people, or gay people, or any type of person that makes you angry…. then look inside of YOURSELF! Because once you do that…. what you see will be the one thing you can change. And that would be yourself! The only one that matters!

mf

The Chronicles of Dieting… (I just want a Taco)..

I have chronicled the stages of dieting for you! Or at least when I diet. Which I have been trying to do lately but it keeps ending up badly…. I just happen to be one of those people that makes really bad decisions, ..and 90% of the time they are food related!

First stage – You decide after a particularly heavy weekend of nachos and cheese fries that the time has come for you to make some changes. Not only have your sweats become almost too tight,…but you have an on going third boob because your boobs refuse to fit in your bra properly. They just keep billowing out!!
Also due to the fact that you have never had a thigh gap, all of your pants have the “thinning” thing happening in the crotch area…and every time you take off your pants your underwear comes with it.

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Next you do some research online looking up best exercise to zap fat quickly, .and look up best breakfast foods to eat for optimum health and fitness. You look at some recipes,…and maybe make a grocery list. You dig out your old Thigh Master from back in 82′…which by the way was the last time you had a bright idea like this about getting fit! You give it a try. You realize in the first 3 seconds that you can’t even get the Thigh Master to close because you are so out of shape. Hm… the first spark of “what have I gotten myself into” hits you, but you shake it off, …dust off the Thigh Master, and set your alarm clock for ass o’clock so that you can get up extra early and get started on a new you!

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The alarm clock goes off! You hit the snooze…..it goes off again and you hit the snooze one more time. Just 10 more minutes is all you need. It goes off again, and you consider hitting it again, but you made a commitment, and you need to get your ass up and DO THIS!! ugh….So you stumble out of bed, get your self dressed and head out for a walk/run thing. You put on Eminem because he is the only one that could really understand your level of anger at this point! You start walking, and decide to try a jog. I mean…why not…people jog right?? As soon as you start jogging you stop! NOPE!! Not ALL people jog! And I’m one of them.

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You make it home, and now it’s time to get your healthy breakfast started. You found some recipes and eating plans online. As you are looking through them, you realize that all of the things involve cooking. Way more cooking than you ever want to do in life. Cooking just happens to be one of the things you are challenged in. So you grab an apple and a granola bar and head out the door.

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As you are doing your running around, you scarf the apple and granola bar,…but for some reason you are still hungry. Your stomach is like..”An apple…..really??…fuck you!”.. But you ignore it and tell your stomach to shut up because you are getting fit now and it just has to deal with things like apples and celery!

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It’s weird….you have never noticed before when you are driving by a Taco Bell how awesome it smelled. But for some reason…..Now the smell of a full on Thanksgiving dinner is wafting into your vehicle. Since when does Taco Bell smell like Thanksgiving dinner?! Well, I guess since your stomach is pissed off and ready to eat itself…now everything is going to smell AMAZING! You decide it’s a good time to head home,…and as you are passing a Dunken Donuts you flip them off! Just because…

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You make it home WITHOUT actually stopping for pizza or ice cream. You give yourself a pat on the back.
You know what does it…..you know what completely makes you lose your shit? As you are going through your kids backpack, …you notice 3 half melted peanut butter M & M’s at the bottom of their back pack! Sitting there,..not in any protective packaging or anything. Just sitting there, and for some reason the pull is too much for you. You grab them and stuff them in your mouth!!! The nasty….disease ridden M & M’s from the bottom of your kid’s backpack!! WHY????… I passed a Taco Bell, and pizza, …I made it through the bakery at the grocery store,….I even bought ice cream bars for the kids and they successfully made it home and into the freezer without being opened. But 3 nasty M &M’s and I couldn’t control myself!!!

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The last stage of the dieting process is this…since you had the M & M’s you might as well order that pizza that you skipped today, and finish it off with the ice cream sandwiches you bought for the kids….just don’t tell the kids about them.

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And then….you decide that TOMORROW IS THE DAY!! The day you go on the straight and narrow and eat celery for breakfast….Tomorrow…

Where did I put that Thigh Master again??…

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