It’s THYME you knew I can’t CURRY on all by myself!~ get it… thyme….curry….just read it!!

Are you hungry? Maybe thinking about actually cooking something? Well you have come to the right place!! This is a HOW TO! I have actual instructions that “may” help you if you ever find yourself hungry… and maybe a little over confident in your cooking abilities…

 
Let me start by saying I do not have any previous education in these matters. I am not a specialist or have any real knowledge of anything that I am actually about to tell you! Just thought you should know….

 
So let’s get started:

 
HOW TO:

 
Let’s just say for the sake of argument that you are looking at recipes. You see something that looks good and you think to yourself…I know that I suck at cooking, but maybe…just maybe I could do it! The recipe doesn’t look like it has too many ingredients. And then you think…dammitt, …I am not incompetent…I can do this!!!

 

 
So you jot down all of the items you will need for this recipe. As you are writing down everything you need, you realize that you may have gotten in over your head because this recipe is calling for things like Cumin, …and Turmeric,..and you have no fucking idea what any of that is. Yes, ..you heard Rachel Ray talking about it one time on television, ..but you didn’t ever think that you would have to actually use them in something. Like for real!!

 
You are at the grocery store, and you head to the spice isle in hopes to find these things that you have never bought before. You spot the cumin and turmeric, and you decide to throw in some curry powder. Not sure why but it is similar in color so you figure it will probably work.

 
You get home….you unload all of the ingredients. You have the recipe ready to go and you begin. You have the pot on the stove. You randomly add the ingredients that the recipe says to add and let it do it’s thing. You get on the internet while waiting for the stuff in the pot to do it’s “thing.” You start to hear crackling and sizzling and realize that you forgot about the stuff in the pot….AGAIN….. and race over to try and scrape some of the stuff that was beginning to stick. At this point you think to yourself, I guess I should add some of that cumin crap I bought because the recipe says I have too!

 
You open the top of the cumin bottle and try to shake some on the stuff cooking in the pot. Nothing happens. You then realize that there is something over the top of the cumin, You gently twist off the top and see the “Quality Seal” and realize that is why it is not coming out. No biggie, …I will just remove the “Quality Seal” and continue on with my cooking. You see the convenient little tabs on the side and think….aw…how nice of them to ass…haha I mean ADD…( darn you auto correct)… those nifty tabs just for my convenience. You start to pull at them and quickly realize that they are not budging. So you pull harder, …and even harder.. NOTHING! At this point you have been pulling so hard that one of your nails bent all the way backwards and almost came off!! You start clawing at the “Quality Seal” just clawing at it,…nothing!! Your nails are now all jacked up and that “Quality Seal” is still fully in tact! So you grab a knife because now you are pissed and you are going to show this damn thing who is the boss in this place! You start jabbing the “Quality Seal” with the knife….. similar to murder!

 

 
Side note – (not that I have ever committed murder…I mean technically I have murdered lots of plants and a few trees, …and “possibly” a bird…but that is for another blog post!)… anyway…

 

 

You finally make it through the “Quality Seal” with the knife but it only just barely makes a hole. So you start shoving the knife in and spinning it all around in hopes to jar some of this “Quality Seal” off. You eventually get a hole big enough to shove your finger in and try desperately to rip off this seal. You get some chunks of it coming off but most of it is still glued completely to the sides. Now listen….if you happen to be a person with OCD…or what I like to call type A personality, :) ..this sticky crap on the sides is just not going to work!! So you are sitting there trying to scrape off every bit of this stupid “Quality Seal” because who the hell wants bits of sticky quality seal on their spice container.

 

FINALLY….you finally get most of that crap off. You turn to add the spice only to realize that everything in your pot is now black and charred and billowing out smoke. How did you not notice all that smoke before?? How did you not smell the burning char of nastiness as you were clawing at the cumin?! Awesome!!

 

Well….Fuck you Cumin…..You know…just fuck you!

 

You throw away the pot because there is NO WAY you are going to get that mess out of it…and order a pizza!

I hope this post will help you in your cooking ventures! Actually to be extra safe…just do the exact opposite of everything I have said here and you will probably be fine!!

 

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Wings Do Not always help you fly…

The other day ..I had to call the husband at work and ask him to please stop at the store and get some pads. The monthly mofo had shown up and I was out of feminine products. My husband has always been pretty good about stopping and picking up those things if I need them. He is pretty secure in his masculinity that it doesn’t bother him. Also he almost always brings chocolate on those days because he knows by now that it will definitely make it a better night around here if he does.

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Except this time!! Now let me just say, …I have been with this man for close to 28 years. He knows me!!! He knows everything about me! Probably better than I know myself. And this man that I stood before God and all of our friends and family and vowed to love through thick and thin, sickness and health, ..walked in the door with pads with Wings!!!! WHAAAA????

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After 28 years with someone, ….I think it’s pretty safe to say that they should know if you are a pad with wings kind of person or not. I myself have never met a pads with wings kind of person. I have often wondered why they even sell them and who is actually using them? I mean if you are into chunks of your hair down there being pulled out every step you take then more power to you!

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I love my husband very much…I do, and after 28 years we have been through a lot together and we have stood by each other through many hard times. But this…..the wings…I don’t know, …this is something that I am not sure I can just overlook.

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Well, …the truth is, …he had a family size bag of Reeses with him. He definitely gets points for that. Now if he had a Ben and Jerry’s along with it, I might be able to overlook this whole wings nonsense. I am starting to wonder if I know the man I am married to at all. I mean, we sleep in the same bed together, we watch the same shows, …we even make out on occasions…(usually when the kids are asleep…which is NEVER)….but this….The wings…..Who is this man I married!!

The best part about the whole thing is, ..I decided to take them back because I REALLY hate wings. So I go up to the service center in Walmart and the Walmart guy looks at the pads and then looks at me and says…”What, …were they the wrong size or something?”….um, ….really Walmart guy?? Okay…you asked “Well if you must know…NO they were not the wrong size, but as you can see they have wings and you may not know this about me, …but I despise pads with wings…mostly because they end up ripping every shred of hair I have on my Vagina out…but not in a good way, …not like you went and had a professional Brazilian wax done so everything is nice and shiny and pretty, …but more like you got drunk at a frat party and passed out so all your friends shaved parts of your hair off and now they start calling you “patches!”…But thanks for asking Walmart service guy!!!”…

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So tell me in the comments…are you a pads with wings kind of person? I’m really curios actually because I have often wondered who these people are that buy the wings.

Disclaimer – No judgement to any of you wings folks. I just happen to like my wings covered in spicy hot sauce…and not Vagina sauce! ( That may have even been too gross for me to type)…

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Also check out Buster getting ready for bed!! This is EVERY NIGHT!!! That dog is crazy….but aren’t we all just a little crazy??…

To Spank or Not To Spank…(Fifty Shades of “Literature”)..

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There is so much controversy around the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Every where I look there are articles written about it, and people talking about it… so I thought… eh, why not join in the conversation. Chances are I’m going to piss some folks off, but that’s not a new thing for me… so here we go…

 

Let me start off by saying a few things. Yes, I read the books. No I do not live the BDSM lifestyle. Until now I had no idea what BDSM even stood for. I had to Google it. Even after reading the books, I didn’t know what that abbreviation meant. I’m not schooled in the ways of these types of things. I’m not saying I haven’t ever been tied up to a bedpost before…. wink wink…… but as far as a “red room” goes, nah,  not something I have done. I have 4 kids so if I were to start doing things with whips and chains, chances are they would find them hiding in my closet and probably start playing  pirates or something and end up beating the crap out of each other. I can see it now!!

 

While I was reading the books, I never once felt like I was reading award winning literature. I also read the Twilight series and also never felt like it was some awesome literature that was going to go down in history and change the lives of people everywhere. So when I see how angry folks get about these books, I can’t help but remember the scene in Footloose where they are all standing around burn barrels and throwing piles of books in the burning fire. Mob mentality at it’s finest!!

 

I have read Shakespeare, and I have read Harry Potter, and I have read Catcher in the Rye, …and I have read Pride and Prejudice, and I have even read much of the Bible. The thing is, …everything has it’s place. Every book is different and has it’s own place of where it belongs. All of the fighting that I have seen about these books I really don’t understand. I have seen comments where people say things like “These books promote abuse”, …and “this is not describing the lifestyle in the real way”.  Well… first of all, the last time I checked, it was a fictional story about fictional characters. I never once read that the Fifty Shades of Grey books was a How To series… I mean, if a person is looking into actually starting up a lifestyle like that, I would think the best way to go about it is to research REAL forums, and books. Like maybe The Dummies Guide to BDSM. I don’t believe this fictional story was ever meant to be a real portrayal of how to be a BDSM type pf person. As far as the abuse thing, I mean really?? I am going to get a little personal here and tell you about my childhood. I grew up watching physical abuse happen around me. My dad and mom had a very volatile relationship and I saw things that a child should never have seen. I don’t want to get into it because that’s not what this is about. But when I see people saying this promotes abuse I just can’t help but laugh my ass off. I mean…. it’s NOT REAL!!! First of all… the most important part of any type of relationship is CONSENT!!! That is it!!! Consensual relationships. Where both people are on board and both people have made a decision to be okay with this. Watching my parents fight the way they did was horrible, and it taught me what I don’t want in a relationship. I have never been in an abusive relationship myself and the reason for that is, I chose not to. I made sure that I was not going to have that kind of violence around me. Now, if a person ends up with someone and they start to become violent, that’s when you have to make a choice. Do I stay or do I go? Many people stay. But isn’t that a choice? Which then makes it consensual. I know people are going to disagree with me on this. Fine, you have a right to how you feel about it. I am coming from the place of a child growing up watching 2 people tear each other apart and neither one of them walking away from it. It was almost like they were addicted to the craziness. Eventually it tore them down enough that they both walked away. It comes down to what you will allow in your life. This post isn’t about abuse. I don’t want to get into a big discussion about that. I think when someone is NOT consensual then it is abuse! When someone says NO I DO NOT WANT THIS, …and the person continues to do things, ..it is abuse! CONSENSUAL being the word here. My mom didn’t leave my dad for a long time. Every time she went back to him, she basically said, ..okay, I am consenting to the way things are. Eventually she stopped consenting and left.

 

Anyway… so now they have made this movie about Fifty Shades of Grey and people are coming out of the woodwork, freaking out about it. Holy crap folks… calm down! The thing is… it really is a fictional story. When I read it…. it was for fun. Nothing more. I thought many parts of  it were silly and ridiculous, but I really wasn’t expecting for it to change me as a person. I went into it fully expecting silliness. It’s like the movies Requiem for a Dream or Trainspotting. Does anyone watch those movies with the idea that you are watching a manual on how to do drugs? Do you now, all of a sudden, have the urge to take heroin or cocaine? Or do you watch it, then continue with your life, how you lived it before the movie? Everything has it’s place in pop culture. It’s the same thing…. it’s just a story.

 

All stories are different and take you on a different journey. If this one was not for you, so be it. That’s why there is so many stories to choose from. The grey series started out as fan fiction, then became so popular that it morphed into it’s own story. If someone is choosing to use the Fifty Shades of Grey as a blueprint for their life, they may need to re-evaluate why they are doing that. But in truth, I don’t believe folks are reading this with the idea that it is all real life, and now they have to live this way. I can tell you that my experiences in my real life are what generally fuel my decisions that I make and it has nothing to do with some fictional story I read or show I watched.

 

So there it is. My very own opinion about the Fifty Shades of Grey series. Now remember, this is nothing more than my opinion. This is not real life. It’s just how I choose to see it. This will not change anyone’s life. It is just my thoughts. You can get mad if you want. But really, why waste the energy on getting mad about my opinion. Why not go find a book to read instead!

 

Here is a list of books you might want to include in your Book Burning of Fifty Shades of Grey!

 

1)  The Bell Jar – The main character attempts suicide…

2)  A Clockwork Orange – Rape scene by the main characters

3) Mildred Pierce – Has an incestuous love for her daughter

4) Wuthering Heights – Heathcliff is verbally abusive and katherine is manipulative and plotting things and together they make a pretty dysfunctional relationship.

5) Romeo and Juliet – 14 year olds killing themselves in the name of “Love” even though they barely know each other

6) Dorian Gray – He is a horrible awful person that is so shallow, and causes the death of a young girl that was in love with him and he sleeps around.

7) Jane Eyre – Mr. Rochester keeps his crazy wife locked in an attic

8) Battle Royale/Hunger games – Both very similar. A ton of teenagers being forced to kill each other for sport…fun times..

9) Game of Thrones – What ISN’T Wrong with this!! Murder, betrayal, incest, revenge, bestiality, cheating, and the best part is that a lot of the characters are around 14 years old.

 

 

This  here is THE BEST dance scene in any movie EVER!!~ The funniest part about it is that all these people lived in a town where dancing was against the law, but once the music starts…all of a sudden everyone is a professional dancer! haha..

 

 

Outdoor Fuckery~ part II

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post called Outdoor Fuckery! If you missed it …you can read it HERE! My number 8 reason for hating the outdoors was yard work, and after I thought about it a little more, I realized that I wanted to elaborate on this point. Let me give you some back story first. I think flowers are really pretty, and I like plants. The thing is…I have never been able to keep them alive. No matter what I do. I have tried everything. I have bought the fancy miracle gro stick things and put them in the soil. I have used all the flower food and vitamin crap you can buy and for some reason….they always die. I took it personally for a while and then I just realized that growing humans is something I am good at …plants and flowers though…not so much!  Eh, …so I’m not good at gardening….as I have said many times before…I can do the running Man like a Boss!!

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The thing is, when you live on a street where all your neighbors care about is their yard, …it makes it hard when you could really give a shit at all. I mean, the husband mows the grass, and pulls out the weeds and does all the stupid yard shit …and the yard doesn’t look terrible, …it’s just not fully manicured to perfection like my neighbors is. These people get up first thing in the morning and start mowing and planting and trimming like it’s their destiny. Every day planting a new tree, or bush.  And honestly….why do they need to mow 3 times a week! It’s a little excessive people. The grass doesn’t grow that quickly.

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It’s not like there is only a tiny little square of grass either, my neighbors have 2 acres of pure grass! They seeded that whole damn thing, so when they mow, it basically takes 4 hours! Hey, …whatever ya know, to each there own I guess…but don’t give me the dirty looks because my lawn hasn’t been mowed in 3 days. I have a life people….I have things to do! Like watch Netflix…that shit isn’t going to watch itself ya know! I started watching LOST and you can’t just walk away from that. I mean, once you are in….YOU ARE IN FOR LIFE!!! I am on season 3 and let me tell you…things are happening, so my lawn can just stuff it for all I care.

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One of my biggest problems with spending so much time on the yard is that literally in a few months the snow is going to come and shit all over the work you just did. Last year I tried the whole tomato plant thing and all I can say is BIG FAT FAIL!!! I had 3 pots filled with tomato plants and once they finally started to come in, my neighbors stupid cat came over and pissed on all of them!! Listen, …I generally like my tomatoes WITHOUT cat piss and bird shit all over them. And if you are about to say…”wash them”, …yeah, well, ….when it comes to cat piss, …NO THANKS!!

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I really do wish I was better at the gardening thing. I wish I was into sitting out in the yard on a 95 degree day and pulling weeds. The thing is, the weeds grow plentiful and rich in my yard and every time I try to get rid of them , they come back in full force. Maybe, …just maybe they are suppose to be there. Obviously that is what nature wants for my yard so who am I to argue with nature! We always try and go against natures true design of our yards. Well, …after I planted some flowers in my yard they died within 3 days…but the weeds came in really nicely. So…I decided to just let it be. I’m not about to get in some big old fight with nature itself and battle against what nature wants in my yard.  Whatever….if mother nature wants some crazy looking bush thing growing exactly in the middle of my lawn, fine!! Go for it mother nature! But can you tell the neighbors to get off my ass about it.

 

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Check it out!!..This was the very first video I ever made…. Doing the Running Man like a Boss!!

It’s Arts and Crafts week at Panty Camp!~…period 101(not really though)

Let’s talk about periods!! 50% of the population has to deal with this ridiculous monthly BS. Some folks like to say their monthly “friend” pays them a visit. I don’t consider that bitch to be my friend. We are NOT friends. So I usually call it my monthly cocksucking mother fucker is paying me a visit. But that’s just me! For the sake of this post ..let’s call it RED. The older I get, the more that jerkface gets weirder and weirder. Like for instance, I used to be able to pinpoint exactly when RED was going to arrive. Not these days though. RED shows up any damn time RED pleases. And sometimes without any warning. I had become pretty good at recognizing the signs before RED was going to appear. Things like wanting to stab my husband in his eye with any number of sharp objects …or that weird feeling of my vagina starting to shrivel up to prepare itself for the blood bath. Recently though, …RED has shown up without any pre warnings. I could usually trust RED was on his way when I would want to shove 10 tons of chocolate in my face while simultaneously inhaling french fries. The combination is very complimentary of each other, so don’t knock it until you try it okay??…And WHY has no one come up with chocolate covered french fries?? What kind of world do we live in?? Why is this not a thing??

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The RED rituals can start from anywhere between the ages of 9 and 13 depending on the person, and that person will then need to ride the cotton pony every month until they enter their 40’s or 50’s. This varies between each person. Do you realize that is about 40 years of surfing the crimson wave, or parting the red sea, or paging Edward Cullan, or postponing your visit to Maury, aka,  not the father week, or birthing a blood diamond, or however you choose to describe the event. I always found it funny when I would see shows where they portray a girl fainting at the sight of blood! um, really??… a girl will see more blood in her lifetime than most dudes will ever see!! but yeah…

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So as I was thinking about Red, and why I hate him so much… YES… Red is a dude… it has to be…. anyway… Here are some reasons why Red is a mother fucking cocksucking whore!

 
1) Waxing with Wings – The number one reason I HATE using pads with wings is because every single time those stupid wings end up sticking to my hair rather than sticking to the panties. It’s like it starts out all good, I take off the tabs and wrap them around the underwear …and somewhere between getting up and walking out of the bathroom those fuckers do a 180 and flip up attaching to my hairy bits and every step at that point is basically ripping out chunks of hair that is attached to my vagina. By the time I make it back to the bathroom to adjust everything, most of my hair is stuck to the pad. No need to get that wax job done now…. thanks wings…

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2) Anyone who wears pads knows that the biggest worry is if it looks like a diaper butt in the back. If you see a group of girls walking, and one girl runs to the front while all the other girls are staring at her ass, it’s not because they like the look of her ass in those sweats. She needs to know if you can see the pad through the sweats and if it looks like diaper ass. No one wants diaper ass!! It happens though…

 
3) Along with diaper ass you also have the “did I leak through” ass. Every girl worries about this. Especially if you are wearing white. I NEVER wear white during shark week, but there have been those times when RED did that show up early BS and surprised you, and you happen to be walking through Target browsing at bathing suits, thinking about maybe trying one on… and then BOOM! Fuck You Aunt Flow!!!!

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4) I personally am not a huge fan of tampons, but the way it goes is, you either are a tampon person or a pad person. Sometimes you might be in a situation when you have to wear both, just to be safe. But generally you have the pad people, and the tampon people and they don’t usually mix. My reason for not loving tampons is I hate when you have been out all day, and you finally get a chance to change out your blood stick, but somewhere throughout the day, the string made it’s way up your vagina and now you basically have to go fishing up your twat with your fingers to find it and pull it out! Good times, everyone loves fishing right??…

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5) Sleeping!! Oh the joys of sleeping while RED is visiting! You go to sleep feeling secure in your choice of tampon or pad, knowing that they got you covered and they are going to do the job that they promised to do, and protect you with their “leak protection promises” and their “super absorbent core.” LIES!!!! They are all LIES! You wake up in the morning looking like carrie at the prom!

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6) The reappearing period! What the hell Red!! It’s like all of a sudden Red is a jokester and likes playing pranks on people. It will seem as though Red is done. All packed up and heading out of town. So I will put away the tampons and pads and put on my “good” panties that I would never wear during Red’s visit because Red is a certified asshole that likes to ruin good panties. All seems well, and I am certain Red is finally out the door, and then NOPE…. all of sudden it’s like some kind of horrible joke. Red is sitting there laughing his ass off saying.. “hahahahah you’ve been punked! I’m not leaving yet!”…. My nice panties are ruined….

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So there you have it…. To be honest there is so much more I could say on this subject. I may have to do a part 2! And to all the dudes that might read this…. For the love of all that is good in life, get your girl some friggin chocolate if you want to live!!!!

 

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Let’s Eat Pie…with a side of boob..

The other day, I was on the internet doing internet things, and reading blogs and checking out other pages and I came across something that struck a chord in me. It bothered me enough that I actually decided to comment on it. I would say that 94 % of the time I steer very clear from any type of topics that become controversial because I really do believe that no matter what you say… people do not change their minds anyway, so it’s wasted time and energy. There is nothing wrong with debating… but the truth is, people only change their ideas when they decide to do it. You will never be able to make someone see things your way… unless they were at a place in their own life where they were ready to see it or hear it. Otherwise… it will just turn into an argument. But, sometimes, you just can’t help yourself… Like now.

 
So, I was scrolling through a fellow bloggers page and you can check that out HERE! I came across this picture on her awesome Facebook page which you could check out HERE!..

 

This is the picture that had me shaking my damn head

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I am a firm believer that everyone has a right to their own opinion….so I decided to write about mine. In the comment section, this person and I went back and forth about this topic and more than anything I just wanted to understand how a woman could be so disgusted by her own body. She had no problem with a man walking shirtless on a beach because she said that a man’s flat chest is completely different than a woman’s chest that has boobs on it! …Uh, …well, I’m sorry but I am going to have to disagree. Nipples are Nipples. That’s it! And there are lots of dudes walking around the beach that don’t exactly have a “Flat” chest. Anyway, this bothered me so much because it is the human body. We are all born this way. But to be so mortified and disgusted by the sight of a woman’s boob because she is feeding her baby, and not a dudes nipple who is walking down the beach! I don’t get it!!

 

As human beings, we are literally the only creation on this planet that feels like we have to be ashamed of what we are and how we look. The animal world does not do this. You never see a lion hiding his junk and trying to cover it up… he doesn’t give a fuck. Why?.. because it’s what he is. Animals do not question their existence the way human beings do. We make up these rules and decide what is “right” and “wrong”. Have you ever been walking by two dogs fucking in the middle of the yard? They do not care that you are watching them, and they could not care less what you think about it. They just do what they were designed to do. There is no embarrassment to it, they do not try and hide it. But as human’s we choose to hide what we are.

 
If you are walking through a store and you see a mom feeding her baby, and this somehow makes you angry or bitter, or even have weird sexual feelings about it, then you are the one with the problem my friend. You are the one that needs to stop and evaluate why you feel that way.

 
I have daughters and more than anything I never want them to feel ashamed of what and who they are. Their bodies are going to grow into a woman, and I want them to feel proud of who they are, and love themselves no matter what. Never to feel ashamed like they have to hide away just because of what they were born with.

 

 
We all know that we live in a world where acceptance is not always a thing. If you do not fit into a certain idea of perfection, it is very difficult to get accepted. This starts in elementary school very early on. The thing is, we all have the ability to change this idea. Buddha said it best… Be the change you want to see in the world! I do believe the world changes all the time, and gets better. I believe that one day, you can be Gay, Fat, Skinny, a red head, a stripper, a breastfeeding mom, a person that decided to have no children, tattooed, pierced, or any number of things, and it will be okay. Mostly because it should be okay to be who you are and to not be ashamed of it.

 
The fact is… as a woman, when you have a baby, our breasts fill with milk to feed that baby. That is how the human body is designed to work, like all mammals. Yet we are suppose to ignore the design and be ashamed of it, and try to hide what our body naturally does on it’s own. This makes no sense to me. All because women’s bodies have been so sexualized that a hint of breast is seen as shameful? Women’s bodies were meant for more than just seduction. It sustains life, from inside the womb to inside a cradle.
My favorite saying of all time is this…. You do you, and I’ll do me! So simple yet really is just the answer to all things. If people would just let other people be, let them be who they are and do what they do…. and STOP! Just stop! What would there be to fight about?

 
I have thought about this before, I have the answer to all the problems of  life. The answer is… Eat Pie! Now think about this for a minute, if every person everywhere all at the same time, stopped what they were doing and sat down and ate some pie… what would the world be like in that moment? Every person everywhere is doing nothing more than eating pie. No matter who you are or what you are doing. Imagine the world in that moment. I suppose it would be peaceful. No one would be looking at anyone else telling them how to live or how to be. Everyone would be thinking, “Wow, this pie is sooooo good!” True world peace right there! So… let’s eat pie!

 

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A reflection on why Doggies are Assholes!~

Welcome my Guest Blogger today…This is a lovely reflection on why doggies can be such assholes!~ ENJOY

 

Ever since I was  three, I’ve had an affinity for dogs that nobody could quite understand. I had books on breeds, I watched talking dog movies, and I even pretended, often, to be a dog. But all of the this was before adulthood, when my dog dreams didn’t include dog poop, or dog training. With adulthood came the reality of owning a dog. This is a list of the embarrassing, annoying, or down right gross things my dog does.

 

1) Trying to “quickly” take Buster to the bathroom. It seems that whenever I am in a hurry, and running late, my dog thinks it’s a perfect time to procrastinate. We step outside, he trots to the grass, and instead of peeing like he should, he lays down. Apparently, sun bathing is more important than whatever I have planned.

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2) Pooping problems. At other times, my dog seems to be in a rush. On these days, Buster will begin pooping, but I guess he is too impatient to finish it just by standing. So, instead, he decides to start walking before he is fully finished. This is when my eyes dart around to our neighbor’s houses to make sure nobody is outside and watching. Because, seriously, it is embarrassing that my dog doesn’t know how to poop properly.

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3) Little dog, big temper. I don’t know what it is, but my dog hates other dogs. He is good with people, with birds, even with spiders, but other dogs drive him crazy. Once he sees one, he barks, he tugs, he growls, and the mo-hawk of anger puffs up on his back. SIDE NOTE: When this happens, “big dog” people tend to judge me. They immediately believe I allow my little dog to act like this, or that I think it’s cute. I DO NOT THINK IT’S CUTE. I have trained my dog to do many things, but this is one that hasn’t quite worked out. But I have tried. So, how about you keep your stink face to yourself.

 

 

4) Smoker’s bark. I have heard many small dogs bark, with their puppy-like yips that seemed to be somewhere between a mouse’s squeak and baby’s laugh. So, when I got a small dog, I expected as much. But, the first time I heard Buster bark, it ended up sounding more like a lawnmower that had been chain smoking for ten years. I just remember thinking, “WTF just came out of my dog’s mouth? Is mine defective? Of course I get the one chihuahua that sounds like frickin Godzilla.”

 

5) Noises. This horrendous bark comes out a lot now, and it’s always directed at my television shows. A horse gallops, and my dog barks. Some chains rattle, and my dog barks. Somebody fucking blinks too loudly, and my dog barks. Needless to say, I have missed most of the dialogue in Lost.

 

6) Other noises scare him. And I’m not just talking about thunder and fireworks like most dogs. Stupid crap. Like shuffling a deck of cards, the sound of my video camera turning on, or the fly swatter. Especially the fly swatter. I wish I could just talk some sense into him. Calm down, dude. It’s a fly swatter, not a dog swatter.

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7) Puking. My dog does it. Often. When I sit down with a good book, and I’m immersed in a dramatic scene, then suddenly behind me I hear, “gghhk… gghhnk… ggnnkkah.” The heaving noise is especially delightful at dinner time. I sit down for something delicious, and instead get to hear, “gghhnk.” Yum.

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8) He hates bleach. Don’t ask me why.

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9) Grass ass. There are times that laying in the grass isn’t enough, he has to scoot his but all over it too. He just really likes the feeling of vegetation on his rear… God only knows why.

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10) Lastly, the thing that annoys me the most is that after everything he does and through all of the embarrassment, I KEEP HIM. Maybe it’s his floppy ears or funny eyebrows, but somehow he convinces me to forgive every nasty, disgusting, stupid, idiotic, unpleasant, mortifying thing he has ever done, and I keep him… Son of a bitch.

 

booootiie

 

 

Thank you to my Guest Blogger Ariel Floyd!~

 

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