With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. Why every year Thanksgiving always has to be at MY house! Listen, I am not trying to sound like a complete asshole here, but as I have said in previous posts… I really am an asshole. I just am! I am also sensitive. I’m what you call a sensitive asshole!! Here is some reasons why I DO NOT want to have Thanksgiving at my house…
RAW TURKEY! I hate raw anything, but when the damn thing is the size of a small child, and I have to sit there and massage the fucker, and rub butter all over it, and stick my hands up its ass to get out its guts and head and whatever the heck else is stuffed in it…. then I hate it even more! Once I finally get the damn thing all ready and in the oven, then I have raw turkey juices on all my surfaces and I feel like my counters are covered in Ecoli.
The 5 million potatoes I have to peel. In order to make sure that every person gets some mashed potatoes, I have to peel 5 million potatoes. 5 Fucking MILLION!! I am standing at the counter and peeling, and peeling, and I always end up peeling a nail into the potatoes. ( if your coming for dinner… now you know)…and you basically need a pot the size of a beer tank to boil all those potatoes… which I don’t have, so every time the pot over boils and makes a HUGE mess…. Yaaaaay Thanksgiving!
I DO NOT bake pies! end of story.…
Every other damn thing I have to make. Oh… we have too many starchy things… we need some greens. FUCK your greens. Now I have to come up with some kind of dish that involves peas and carrots or some shit because people need to have their greens. whatever….
I ALWAYS forget the gravy because after making a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, fucking greens, and whatever else…. these damn people want gravy. Like I haven’t been standing in this kitchen for 6 plus hours making enough shit…. now everyone wants gravy too!!!
While I am spending my ENTIRE day in the kitchen, everyone else is sitting on my couch watching t.v, and kicking back by the fire with their lazy asses asking me how much longer until dinner…. to which my response is this:
It’s THIS much longer until dinner assholes::
I’m Fucking Thankful!!!!
I get all the food on the table and put tongs and spoons in the bowls for people to use…. but they never do! They never use the tongs I put in there, but instead use their nasty hands. USE THE DAMN TONGS!!!
So it’s dinner time, and everybody sits around the table and talks about bullshit politics and religion, and why the hell Bob refuses to buy gas from Texaco anymore, and why Sue can’t eat gluten because it makes her shit her pants, and everything I made has gluten in it… so she wants us all to know that she is still going to eat it… but we should all expect her to shit her pants because she probably will! And what is wrong with teenagers today, and why isn’t it snowing, and blah blah bullshitty blah. Someone almost ALWAYS gets pissed off, and has to go outside for a cigarette,… even though they don’t smoke… and we are all sooo thankful!
Now everyone is full, and too stuffed to move, so they move there fat asses to the couch to watch more t.v. while I stand in kitchen some more trying to find containers to hold this left over crap. I NEVER have enough room for the leftovers! NEVER!
As I stand over the sink just trying to deal with the mountain of dishes and food billowing out of my kitchen, people take turns shitting in my bathroom ( except sue who has no doubt already shit her pants) because they ate so much that they now need to shit. Yaaay…. my clean bathroom is no longer clean. So not only did I supply the food for these mofo’s…. they leave me leftovers….. in my toilet!!!
Ahhh….Thanksgiving is over, and everyone leaves. My kitchen is full of dirty dishes that is going to take me close to a week to officially get through. My bathrooms are gross, and the mess in my house from all the kids is stupid! I will be cleaning for the next 5 days straight just to get it back to normal.
Thanksgiving…. a time to be thankful, and be with the ones you love! Side note: I love my people very much, and am very thankful for them! I just think I would be MORE Thankful if we ate at IHOP for Thanksgiving this year. just saying….
Well… I have a video for you!! I know this video will make some people upset, but just remember… I’m sensitive… so be nice…;)