Happy Friggin Thanksgiving!!!~

With Thanksgiving right around the corner, I decided to talk about something that has been weighing on my mind. Why every year Thanksgiving always has to be at MY house! Listen, I am not trying to sound like a complete asshole here, but as I have said in previous posts… I really am an asshole. I just am! I am also sensitive. I’m what you call a sensitive asshole!! Β Here is some reasons why I DO NOT want to have Thanksgiving at my house…

 

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RAW TURKEY! I hate raw anything, but when the damn thing is the size of a small child, and I have to sit there and massage the fucker, and rub butter all over it, and stick my hands up its ass to get out its guts and head and whatever the heck else is stuffed in it…. then I hate it even more! Once I finally get the damn thing all ready and in the oven, then I have raw turkey juices on all my surfaces and I feel like my counters are covered in Ecoli.

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The 5 million potatoes I have to peel. In order to make sure that every person gets some Β mashed potatoes, I have to peel 5 million potatoes. 5 Fucking MILLION!! I am standing at the counter and peeling, and peeling, and I always end up peeling a nail into the potatoes. ( if your coming for dinner… now you know)…and you basically need a pot the size of a beer tank to boil all those potatoes… which I don’t have, so every time the pot over boils and makes a HUGE mess…. Yaaaaay Thanksgiving!

 

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I DO NOT bake pies! end of story.

 

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Every other damn thing I have to make. Oh… we have too many starchy things… we need some greens. FUCK your greens. Now I have to come up with some kind of dish that involves peas and carrots or some shit because people need to have their greens. whatever….

 

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I ALWAYS forget the gravy because after making a turkey, potatoes, stuffing, fucking greens, and whatever else…. these damn people want gravy. Like I haven’t been standing in this kitchen for 6 plus hours making enough shit…. now everyone wants gravy too!!!

 

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While I am spending my ENTIRE day in the kitchen, everyone else is sitting on my couch watching t.v, and kicking back by the fire with their lazy asses asking me how much longer until dinner…. to which my response is this:

 

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It’s THIS much longer until dinner assholes::

I’m Fucking Thankful!!!!

 
I get all the food on the table and put tongs and spoons in the bowls for people to use…. but they never do! They never use the tongs I put in there, but instead use their nasty hands. USE THE DAMN TONGS!!!

 

'Have you washed your hands?'

‘Have you washed your hands?’

So it’s dinner time, and everybody sits around the table and talks about bullshit politics and religion, and why the hell Bob refuses to buy gas from Texaco anymore, and why Sue can’t eat gluten because it makes her shit her pants, and everything I made has gluten in it… so she wants us all to know that she is still going to eat it… but we should all expect her to shit her pants because she probably will! And what is wrong with teenagers today, and why isn’t it snowing, and blah blah bullshitty blah. Someone almost ALWAYS gets pissed off, and has to go outside for a cigarette,… even though they don’t smoke… and we are all sooo thankful!

 

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Now everyone is full, and too stuffed to move, so they move there fat asses to the couch to watch more t.v. while I stand in kitchen some more trying to find containers to hold this left over crap. I NEVER have enough room for the leftovers! NEVER!

 

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This is me.. standing in the kitchen… trying to find Tupperware…

 

As I stand over the sink just trying to deal with the mountain of dishes and food billowing out of my kitchen, people take turns shitting in my bathroom ( except sue who has no doubt already shit her pants) because they ate so much that they now need to shit. Yaaay…. my clean bathroom is no longer clean. So not only did I supply the food for these mofo’s…. they leave me leftovers….. in my toilet!!!

 

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Ahhh….Thanksgiving is over, and everyone leaves. My kitchen is full of dirty dishes that is going to take me close to a week to officially get through. My bathrooms are gross, and the mess in my house from all the kids is stupid! I will be cleaning for the next 5 days straight just to get it back to normal.

 

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Thanksgiving…. a time to be thankful, and be with the ones you love! Side note: I love my people very much, and am very thankful for them! I just think I would be MORE Thankful if we ate at IHOP for Thanksgiving this year. just saying….

 

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Well… I have a video for you!! I know this video will make some people upset, but just remember… I’m sensitive… so be nice…;)

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22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sofia Leo
    Nov 19, 2013 @ 10:38:08

    Hahahahahahahaha! LOVE the video! It’s funny because it’s true – guilty as charged, right here, especially about the cat pics. But only because I have no life. Scratch that – just a very dull life.

    My family no longer cooks a big meal – we all meet up at a buffet in the city most central to all of us and call it good. Those who like to watch The Game go home to do it so the rest of us are spared the chore of mocking them mercilessly. Also, no bathroom to clean. Hell, none of us has to clean for this Holiday because no one sees our houses! It’s a win-win. Cheaper, too.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 19, 2013 @ 10:45:03

      You my friend have the perfect Holiday!! That sounds awesome! I want this to be our new tradition!!

      Reply

      • Sofia Leo
        Nov 19, 2013 @ 16:30:16

        This year it’s even better – Mom has to work on T-day, Sis has to be in early on Fri and I have a long drive on Fri so we’ve called it off and will re-schedule at a more convenient time πŸ™‚

  2. Karen Kay
    Nov 19, 2013 @ 18:07:51

    Love the blog and love the video. For years I could feel your pain about Thanksgiving. Though there was the year that I told everyone not to come because I wasn’t cooking. They didn’t believe me so when they showed up anyway (I suspected they would), they were greeted with ham and turkey sandwich meat and potato chips. πŸ™‚
    Nowadays we’re not so handy so we (my hubs and I) do something we enjoy. Sleep late, eat a turkey (or ham) sandwich, take a nap and enjoy the day off. That’s worth being thankful for πŸ™‚

    Reply

  3. Lisa
    Nov 19, 2013 @ 20:49:14

    First of all, your husband is HOT!!!!!!! “And if it doesn’t get at least 10 likes then you’re not getting any of THIS!” HAHAHAHA!!!! AND I love “I can make a basket out of hair! PIN IT!”. And of course the TROLL!!! That was GREAT, Vagina, you are hilarious πŸ™‚ Ok…. don’t get mad…. but I have never had Thanksgiving at my house! And this is why: Because people want to eat food that they can actually eat! I am not so much a cook as I am a “warmer”, as in I warm stuff up and that’s about it! But I married this woodsy farmer dude who grew up on a small farm and we go over to his parents every year, where my bad-ass mother-in-law kills the turkey herself and goes to town! I have to say it rocks. I have to say that my mother-in-law kicks ass, how many chicks can say that? Most are like, my mother-in-law is a horror show. Mine is awesome, so that’s where we go and it’s freaking great. She even invites my dad since my parents are divorced and he’d be alone otherwise, so ya, I can’t complain! I think this year you and the fam should get on a plane and do a New England Thanksgiving with us! The food is great, and I can promise you no shortage of desserts or swearing. I’ll just tell them to plan on one more Vagina and her babes and dude! You bring the salad, chunky style!!!! πŸ™‚ xoxoxo

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 20, 2013 @ 10:05:36

      WOW!! She actually kills the Turkey herself?? She is BAD ASS!!! Does she wear a hoodie when she does it, because she totally should. I want to spend Thanksgiving with you! It sounds AWESOME!! Lisa you have to tell your husband that I want to know what he thought of the video. I know he doesn’t like the internet thing so much, so I figured he would understand the video. πŸ˜‰ My husband doesn’t do the internet either. I have made him actually get on and read a few of my blogs, but I think he would rather watch t.v! O.O

      Reply

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  5. fangboner1
    Nov 20, 2013 @ 14:00:22

    we are going to the church to eat. seven bucks and no mess….Works for me.!

    Reply

  6. ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Nov 22, 2013 @ 16:00:14

    OMG, so much. Thanksgiving is THEE WORST holiday to have. Ever. The End.
    My advice: Make a nasty fish one year, NO turkey. You no likey? Have your own at YOUR HOUSE.

    Reply

  7. http://thepassionofthecriss.blogspot.com.au
    Nov 22, 2013 @ 19:52:19

    Wow so glad we don’t have that holiday season here. Christmas is bad enough, in fact your thanksgiving sounds like our Christmas. This year I have decided that the good old fashioned BBQ is going to be the best thing. Hubby can be outside cooking. I will busy enough with salads and cakes, deserts and making sure EVERYONE IS HAVING A GOOD TIME. Then the clean up. We clean frantically before everyone arrives, then spend the night cleaning after they have all gone. Hubby announces that he did his part and is bushed, and the kids! Let’s not even go there or the complaints will follow you into the new year! So after you have shopped through the madness of desperate shoppers, bought, wrapped up, and written every card, worked till late Christmas eve. Stayed up late whipping cream, and baking, and cleaning…..you then get the honor of being the days waitress bitch and maid service. Tell me again why we love Christmas? I hope you get a have a lovely Thanksgiving. Maybe you could suggest everyone bring a plate of something, and then they can take their own dishes home and left overs, and save you a shit load of cooking and washing up! πŸ™‚

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 23, 2013 @ 09:53:03

      WOW…yes your Christmas sounds just as exhausting! Maybe we should just start paying someone else to cater these events! πŸ˜‰ And clean afterwords…I really am not even sure why they do Thanksgiving anymore because all the stores are more geared for Black Friday, and all the shopping starts on Thanksgiving. O.O

      Reply

  8. Setsu
    Nov 23, 2013 @ 01:31:33

    Ahahaha the video fucking nailed it.

    Reply

  9. Uncle Guacamole
    Nov 25, 2013 @ 01:01:54

    I love your post, I love your video, I love your blog! You are a freaking goddess!

    We are heading to Thanksgiving at my parents, where much yelling and shouting will ensue with my psycho sister and my other sister who I haven’t spoken to in six years. Can’t we come to your house?

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 25, 2013 @ 19:02:19

      You can come to my house!! It might be pretty much the same though. There will be a psycho or two running around here I am certain of it! I also have a sister who I have not talked to in many years, and that really does make for an awkward situation. Sending you lots of good thoughts to get through it easily. πŸ˜‰

      Reply

  10. Lisa
    Nov 25, 2013 @ 13:23:04

    Love the video Ms. V! Hilarious.

    Reply

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  12. Vagina
    Nov 21, 2015 @ 10:27:35

    Reblogged this on Ooops, I Said Vagina… Again...

    Reply

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