YOU might be a Mom if…

YOU might be a mom if…..


You have ever been peed on while you were asleep and just slept in it until morning…

If you have ever pulled poop out of someone’s ass because it was stuck…( or you could be Bobby Brown)

If you have ever had to say ” NO, you can not play with my tampons!”



YOU might be a mom if.….


You have ever locked yourself in the bathroom to eat a snickers.



If you have ever had to clean up shit soup because someone shit in the bathtub when they were taking a bath.

If you have ever used your spit to clean off someone else’s face

If you have ever worn maternity clothes, and you were not pregnant.

If you have ever pissed, shit, showered, plucked, shaved, or changed a kotex in front of a live audience!

If you have ever sat and watched Spongebob or Doc Mcstuffins without anyone under the age of 10 in the room.

If you have ever sucked on a pacifier or bottle nipple after it fell on the floor of Walmart…

If you have ever caught someone else’s puke as it was coming out of their mouth.

If you have ever had shit, boogers, piss, or puke on you that did not come from you.

If you have ever looked at a picture of a line with a circle on it and went on like it was a masterpiece.

If your tits have ever been referred to as breakfast, lunch, dinner, or midday snacks….



YOU might be a mom if…..


You piss your pants every time you sneeze, laugh, jump, clear your throat, or even just talk….or maybe that’s just me….

If you have ever had to put medicine in someone’s butt crack.

If you have ever begged, pleaded, and even used bribes of candy, toys, and anything you can think of to get someone to shit in a toilet instead of in their pants…

If you have ever eaten someone else’s leftover grilled cheese even though it’s slightly wet…

If you have ever smelled pee, poop, or puke and all of a sudden become a bloodhound going on a sniffing search for the offending smell through the house…

If you have ever seen a brown smudge and you are not sure if it’s chocolate or poo and you momentarily think about taste checking it.

If you have ever crawled through a nasty ball pit, or bouncy house looking for a sock…

If you have ever sat WILLINGLY at a kid’s birthday party watching a bunch of kids screaming, and yelling picking their noses and running around.

If you have ever had to schedule time to wash your pits

YOU might be a mom if…..


You have ever had to question someone about why they are smelling their fingers.

If you have ever caught yourself singing ” backpack, backpack”…in your head, or just randomly..

If you have ever walked around for the better part of the day with a cheerio stuck to your ass.

If you have ever been having a conversation with another adult and you say ” Excuse me but I have to go potty!”

If you have ever considered actually wearing your underwear inside out rather than doing laundry…

If you have ever bought the Costco size pop tarts.

If you have ever sat there and let your kids draw pictures on your legs with markers because it feels like a massage…( or maybe that’s just me)…

If you have ever made your kid wear a coat because YOU were cold…

If your kid tells you they don’t feel good, and your answer to them 76% of the time is this ” did you poop today?”…

YOU might be a mom if.


If you have ever thrown away toys and when your kid asks where it is…you flat out lie straight to their face with no regrets….

If you have ever been eating your dinner and had to stop to wipe someone’s ass.

If going to Walmart ALONE is considered a mini vacation for you.

If the hair on your legs have gotten so long you could start braiding it.

If you have ever been able to have a full on conversation over a screaming toddler…

If you have ever had to sit and talk to other people that you can’t stand, but you do it anyway because your kid wants to play with their kid…

If you have ever worn the same clothes for a week even though you know there is boogers and or puke on them from someone else.

If you have ever had to say this before: ” Get your hand out of your pants!”…Side note: this can also applies to husbands!


If you ever been crouched down behind a washing machine, or a dresser just to eat a reeses in peace.

If you have ever been referred to as the ruin-er of lives….or the sucker of all fun! side note: this generally occurs when your people reach those precious teenage years!


If you have ever pretended to be asleep so you don’t have to get the screaming kid….Oh wait….that means you might be a DAD!…


Just Kidding


Look…I made a new video… ๐Ÿ™‚






15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 10:18:36

    AAAHHH the only thing that made me cringe from this list (a lot of this I had done NOT EVEN relating to my kids) is the damn BACKPACK SONG!


    • Vagina
      Nov 12, 2013 @ 10:20:58

      hahaha…I know!! Now it’s in your head for the rest of the week! bwahahahahaa….it was all part of my evil plan to get that song stuck in everyone’s head! Not that EVERYONE will read this….but you know what I mean…;)


    • Vagina
      Nov 12, 2013 @ 10:23:54

      I also figured this applies to lots of different things. Not just Mom’s, but anyone who is around kids….or possibly just college years. I mean technically everyone sleeps in someone else’s piss during their 20’s…kids or not…


  2. ksbeth
    Nov 12, 2013 @ 17:10:52



  3. Trackback: Tips for a Worn Out Mom | A Mom's Life
  4. Lisa
    Nov 14, 2013 @ 10:07:16

    OK, it took me a minute to comment on this post because I spent most of the last few days doing all of the above! Well, almost: I am proud to say that I have never been tempted to taste-test a brown smudge! WINNING! Ok, but all of the rest: YES!!!! My one year old did BIG business in the tub yesterday, his very first time, aw. My daughter used to do that EVERY single time! I hope this is just a one time thing for my little dude! The marker leg massage sounds pretty good right about now! This is a brilliant list, it had me cracking up, because it is so true!!! I go crazy over the perfect-mommy-blogs that present a picture of domestic bliss with no hands in pants, pee on beds, smelly fingers, etc.! I call shenanigans! Their children ARE human children, after all, so SHENANIGANS! This is such a great post, I needed the laugh! My only gripe is that you forgot to include the phone number for the Bake-a-Wish and now I’ll never have glossy blond hair and a dog!!! VAGINA!!!!! xoxoxo


    • Lisa
      Nov 14, 2013 @ 20:30:32

      WAIT! Watched the video again with hubbie and my bad, you DID give the phone number, I must have been too busy writing up my wish list to notice!!! xoxo


    • Vagina
      Nov 16, 2013 @ 12:06:05

      hahahaha….OH LISA…I feel EXACTLY the same way about the “Martha Stewart Mom blogs”…I can not keep up! Those standards are impossible to achieve! I call shenanigans too!!! I bet they are sitting in their living room, crying their eyeballs out because the Flan they made for dessert didn’t turn out. There is NO WAY that their kids have never shit in a bathtub. I think that is standard protocol for any one under the age of 2! Sometimes over that age…;) I am so glad you liked it. Us mom’s need to stick together and help each other out, because we are the only ones that understand how hard it is for each other. I am really over the whole comparing crap that some mom’s pull. I do not want to play that game anymore. I have never been a mom group type of person anyway, but I tried one with a friend once…and NO THANK YOU!! It is just not for me. All the mom’s are just comparing their kids to the other kids, and who’s is smarter, and who’s kid is doing what first. It would be really nice if mom’s would just drop the image…and be real, ya know! We all have poop under our nails….at least until they start pooping in their own…;)


  5. Laura Thompson
    Nov 14, 2013 @ 14:40:17

    I love it! I’m not a mother and now I am not regretting it…so thanks.


    • Vagina
      Nov 16, 2013 @ 12:11:59

      Glad I could help! A lot of these actually apply to husbands, ….partners…some family members! The list is somewhat versatile…especially around the Holidays…


    Nov 22, 2013 @ 19:59:02

    LOL the wonderful world of motherhood!


    Nov 22, 2013 @ 20:02:05

    I once spent the day out shopping alone, with baby puke on the back of my jumper! It wasn’t till the end of the day that another mother at the school pick up was kind enough to point it out. Lol So much for my day pretending I was single and free!


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