The other day, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me a story. I have no idea what it was about because about 3 minutes in, I basically stopped listening and started thinking about unicorns. Okay… before you judge me… listen, I don’t have that kind of attention span anymore. I can give you about 2, maybe 2 ½ minutes tops!! After that… I’m gone. So, she was going on about something…. (no clue)… but before I went off to unicorn land, I heard her talking about something being “deader than a doornail.” It made me start thinking about phrases and how most of them make absolutely no sense at all. Why do we even use these phrases? Most of the time we use them when we have no idea of what else to say. So I put together some phrases that I think should change. Here ya go:
1) Deader than a door nail! – I have never looked at a door nail and thought to myself, “That looks dead.” That phrase should change. It could be…Deader than a corpse. Now that would make much more sense. Or deader than roadkill. “I killed that spider and it is deader than a smooshed raccoon on Main Street!” Makes sense right?? Side note: My diet is deader than roadkill!
2) Dumb as a bag of hammers. – Alright…. A bag of hammers isn’t dumb. Technically, you could say that the person owning a bag of hammers is dumb, because why does anybody need a bag of hammers. I think one hammer is enough. So a possible alternative could be “as dumb as a person that owns a bag of hammers.” That makes more sense.
3) A penny for your thoughts- Aww, how sweet!!… NOT!! Bitch my thoughts are worth more than a fucking penny! I have awesome thoughts….You want to shoot me a hundo, maybe I’ll give you thought. How about this? A hundred for your thoughts, and I’m not talking about pennies. I mean the leafy, green stuff.
4) It’s raining cats and dogs- Okay… Who decided that dogs and cats falling out of the sky reminded them of rain? If you really stopped and thought about it, you would realize it’s actually quite a disturbing image. You think roadkill is bad… think about a bunch of cats and dogs falling out of the sky… the splats alone would be horrible, and no umbrella is saving you from that massacre. Plus you would be dodging dog and cat piss on top of fur balls and whatever else. NOT A GOOD ANALOGY! We should change that!
5) This is more an observation on my part. Being that it was just halloween, and I now have a shit ton of “fun” size candy sitting in my cupboard. I want to address this. Who decided that a candy bar that is literally smaller than a fucking finger nail should be called FUN size. There is nothing FUN about it. Not only is it NOT fun eating a candy that is 1/2 an inch long, but you need to eat like 15 of them to actually even start having any kind of fun… which basically does the opposite effect, because then you just feel really shitty about yourself after stuffing 15 candy bars in your face! NOT COOL! They need to change that! Maybe call it crumb size candy bars! Because that’s what it is!! Put a disclaimer on the bag that you will in fact need to eat the whole bag to even experience any fun at all!
6) You know the saying “what goes around comes around?” If you haven’t heard this yet… then you must live in a cave because this saying is widely used across the nation. Probably all over the world, in fact. I agree with this statement for the most part, but I have this major peeve about it. When people say it wrong, it just sounds stupid! The reason it says.. “what GOES around COMES around” is because when you put things into the world, it makes it’s way back to you. That’s it. What you give, you get back! That is what it means. So when people say it backwards like this… “What comes around goes around”… this makes no sense. It’s called karma, bitch.
7) A chip on your shoulder- What the fuck??? Are you saying my anger automatically caused a chip to grow from my shoulder? If so, what kind of chip? Potato? Corn? Computer? I’ll tell you what, if their was a chip on my shoulder…. I wouldn’t be pissed off… I would need some dip! If someone said to me.. “you have a chip on your shoulder”…then my response would be… “get some dip, and let’s fucking eat!”
8) Close but no cigar- That’s rude. It’s basically saying you were almost a winner, but nope. You’re a loser. And what the hell kind of prize is that? You can keep your fucking cigar! If I win something, then I want some money or chocolate! They should change that… close but no 5 million! Or close but no reeses! Makes more sense to me!
To finish this off… I’ve decided to compile a list of things that most people believe are “the worst thing ever” I agree with these!
A cold toilet seat! – Having to sit down on a freezing toilet seat when you are already cold is the worst!! It sucks. You have to brace yourself for that first impact when you sit.
A warm toilet seat – It probably means that someone was just sitting and shitting! So, this could also be considered the worst thing ever!
A toilet seat, in general – To be honest, the whole toilet experience could be considered the worst thing. You can’t help but think “who has sat here before me?” “What is that unidentified substance on the seat?” “Why is the seat so fucking close the the stall walls? Elbow room would be nice.” “Is that… Oh God, is that somebody else’s pube?” Toilet seats suck.
When you are jonesing for a reeses, and you just gotta have one. You stop at the gas station, buy yourself one, open it up, and take a bite, just to taste powdery nastiness. When was this made, during the Civil War? That is the worst thing ever!! Those gas stations need to invest in some fresh reeses. NOT COOL!!!
When you have a nice big bowl of salsa, and you get your chip and dive in and the fucking thing breaks. Then you go in again… breaks again, and all you have left is a crumb of a chip that is not going to be holding any salsa, and rescuing it means getting your fingers covered in salsa, and it’s just a whole ordeal. After, you start anew with a whole new chip, and it happens again…. WORST!!!
Wet popcorn in a shared popcorn bowl!! Enough said on that!! GROSS!!!
And last but not least…. the toilet paper bust through. Don’t even act like this has not happened to you! When you are having a pastie poop, usually after taco tuesday, and you keep wiping and wiping, but the poop just keeps coming, and you think your TP is reliable, and what happens? Your finger busts through the toilet paper and now you have shit finger. I trusted you, toilet paper. Yep… that is officially the worst thing ever in my book. Or actually… maybe the worst thing ever is if it happens to the guy that is making your tacos, he has the finger bust through…and leaves the bathroom WITHOUT washing his damn hands then goes and makes your tacos…okay…THAT is the worst thing ever!!! Well folks….I don’t have new video for you this week. I was super busy buying… I mean baking cupcakes for the kids halloween parties. 🙂