READ THIS!!! Because I don’t have a title for it…

The other day, I was talking to my mom, and she was telling me a story. I have no idea what it was about because about 3 minutes in, I basically stopped listening and started thinking about unicorns. Okay… before you judge me… listen, I don’t have that kind of attention span anymore. I can give you about 2, maybe 2 ½ minutes tops!! After that… I’m gone. So, she was going on about something…. (no clue)… but before I went off to unicorn land, I heard her talking about something being “deader than a doornail.” It made me start thinking about phrases and how most of them make absolutely no sense at all. Why do we even use these phrases? Most of the time we use them when we have no idea of what else to say. So I put together some phrases that I think should change. Here ya go:

 

1) Deader than a door nail! – I have never looked at a door nail and thought to myself, “That looks dead.” That phrase should change. It could be…Deader than a corpse. Now that would make much more sense. Or deader than roadkill.  “I killed that spider and it is deader than a smooshed raccoon on Main Street!” Makes sense right??  Side note: My diet is deader than roadkill!

 

Chicken cross the road-L

 

2) Dumb as a bag of hammers. – Alright…. A bag of hammers isn’t dumb. Technically, you could say that the person owning a bag of hammers is dumb, because why does anybody need a bag of hammers. I think one hammer is enough. So a possible alternative could be “as dumb as a person that owns a bag of hammers.” That makes more sense.

cadfb8b09dcd487b2aa1c2ab20612a06

 

3) A penny for your thoughts- Aww, how sweet!!… NOT!! Bitch my thoughts are worth more than a fucking penny! I have awesome thoughts….You want to shoot me a hundo, maybe I’ll give you thought. How about this? A hundred for your thoughts, and I’m not talking about pennies. I mean the leafy, green stuff.

38677-c1363aac

 

4) It’s raining cats and dogs- Okay… Who decided that dogs and cats falling out of the sky reminded them of rain? If you really stopped and thought about it, you would realize it’s actually quite a disturbing image. You think roadkill is bad… think about a bunch of cats and dogs falling out of the sky… the splats alone would be horrible, and no umbrella is saving you from that massacre. Plus you would be dodging dog and cat piss on top of fur balls and whatever else. NOT A GOOD ANALOGY! We should change that!

Raining-Cats-and-Dogs--57216

Raining-Cats-and-Dogs--45453

 

5) This is more an observation on my part. Being that it was just halloween, and I now have a shit ton of “fun” size candy sitting in my cupboard. I want to address this. Who decided that a candy bar that is literally smaller than a fucking finger nail should be called FUN size. There is nothing FUN about it. Not only is it NOT fun eating a candy that is 1/2 an inch long, but you need to eat like 15 of them to actually even start having any kind of fun… which basically does the opposite effect, because then you just feel really shitty about yourself after stuffing 15 candy bars in your face! NOT COOL! They need to change that! Maybe call it crumb size candy bars! Because that’s what it is!! Put a disclaimer on the bag that you will in fact need to eat the whole bag to even experience any fun at all!

sure-i-would-love-a-tiny-fraction-of-a-candy-bar

 

6) You know the saying “what goes around comes around?” If you haven’t heard this yet… then you must live in a cave because this saying is widely used across the nation. Probably all over the world, in fact. I agree with this statement for the most part, but I have this major peeve about it. When people say it wrong, it just sounds stupid! The reason it says.. “what GOES around COMES around” is because when you put things into the world, it makes it’s way back to you. That’s it. What you give, you get back! That is what it means. So when people say it backwards like this… “What comes around goes around”… this makes no sense. It’s called karma, bitch.

Karma

 

7) A chip on your shoulder- What the fuck??? Are you saying my anger automatically caused a chip to grow from my shoulder? If so, what kind of chip? Potato? Corn? Computer? I’ll tell you what, if their was a chip on my shoulder…. I wouldn’t be pissed off… I would need some dip! If someone said to me.. “you have a chip on your shoulder”…then my response would be… “get some dip, and let’s fucking eat!” 

Chip1 (1)

 

8) Close but no cigar- That’s rude. It’s basically saying you were almost a winner, but nope. You’re a loser. And what the hell kind of prize is that? You can keep your fucking cigar! If I win something, then I want some money or chocolate! They should change that… close but no 5 million! Or close but no reeses! Makes more sense to me!

glenn-close-glenn-close-but-no-cigar

 

To finish this off… I’ve decided to compile a list of things that most people believe are “the worst thing ever” I agree with these! 

A cold toilet seat! – Having to sit down on a freezing toilet seat when you are already cold is the worst!! It sucks. You have to brace yourself for that first impact when you sit.

A warm toilet seat – It probably means that someone was just sitting and shitting! So, this could also be considered the worst thing ever!

A toilet seat, in general – To be honest, the whole toilet experience could be considered the worst thing. You can’t help but think “who has sat here before me?” “What is that unidentified substance on the seat?” “Why is the seat so fucking close the the stall walls? Elbow room would be nice.” “Is that… Oh God, is that somebody else’s pube?” Toilet seats suck.

 

When you are jonesing for a reeses, and you just gotta have one. You stop at the gas station, buy yourself one, open it up, and take a bite, just to taste powdery nastiness. When was this made, during the Civil War? That is the worst thing ever!! Those gas stations need to invest in some fresh reeses. NOT COOL!!!

 

When you have a nice big bowl of salsa, and you get your chip and dive in and the fucking thing breaks. Then you go in again… breaks again, and all you have left is a crumb of a chip that is not going to be holding any salsa, and rescuing it means getting your fingers covered in salsa, and it’s just a whole ordeal. After, you start anew with a whole new chip, and it happens again…. WORST!!!

 

Wet popcorn in a shared popcorn bowl!! Enough said on that!! GROSS!!!

 

And last but not least…. the toilet paper bust through. Don’t even act like this has not happened to you! When you are having a pastie poop, usually after taco tuesday, and you keep wiping and wiping, but the poop just keeps coming, and you think your TP is reliable, and what happens? Your finger busts through the toilet paper and now you have shit finger. I trusted you, toilet paper. Yep… that is officially the worst thing ever in my book. Or actually… maybe the worst thing ever is if it happens to the guy that is making your tacos, he has the finger bust through…and leaves the bathroom WITHOUT washing his damn hands then goes and makes your tacos…okay…THAT is the worst thing ever!!!  Well folks….I don’t have new video for you this week. I was super busy buying… I mean baking cupcakes for the kids halloween parties. 🙂 

 

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17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. REDdog
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 11:38:11

    No video????

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 06, 2013 @ 09:04:45

      I know!! I’m sorry REDdog. I was so busy this last week I couldn’t get one made. But I am working on something for this week. Hopefully it works out and I’ll have a new video for the next post! 🙂

      Reply

      • REDdog
        Nov 06, 2013 @ 17:27:30

        Here’s one for your list of “dead” replacements, deader than a dead dingo’s donger…doesn’t get much deader than that

  2. caffeinejitters
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 12:48:12

    Raining cats and dogs is a creepy analogy, I agree. I love the post! Really funny! HAHA!

    Reply

  3. Jennie Saia
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 15:23:42

    I laughed! But I guess I’m the dope, because ’round these parts I give people my thoughts for FREE!

    Reply

  4. Lisa Eggers
    Nov 05, 2013 @ 18:55:08

    I started laughing on unicorns and just didn’t stop 🙂 You are truly an artist when it comes to matching the pictures to the post! Glenn Close but no cigar? HAHAHAHAHA! I loved “crumb sized candy bar”. You must really live out there in the sticks if your gas station is selling ancient Reeses! I think they get bought out every night around here. And I consider this to be stick living! But ya, I hate that old chocolate baloney. It’s all spotted and powdery. Bleh. Earlier today I was thinking about all the funny stuff you can make videos for. Can’t wait for the next one, but I understand that the artist has to rest occasionally, so don’t apologize!

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 06, 2013 @ 09:10:45

      Lisa….you totally have to tell me your ideas. I’m thinking I could start taking requests and making videos that you guys come up with. My brain fizzles out after a while, and I’m thinking what am I going to do?! 😉 I would LOVE to hear your ideas! TELL ME EVERYTHING!!! You are much more together than I am. I need to learn a thing or two from you!

      Reply

      • Lisa
        Nov 06, 2013 @ 09:25:19

        HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vagina, I have no clue where you got the idea that I have it more together than you do!!! I think you and me are pretty much on par with our togetherness! Seriously, this morning I took all the leftover ground beef from last night’s spaghetti (b/c the spaghetti always goes first and I’m left with a big pile of ground beef and sauce in my refrigerator) and I put it on buttered toast and that was my breakfast and it’s about to be my lunch! Maybe I’ll make myself a chunky style butterfinger side salad to go along with it 😉 Also, I actually made it to the gym last night, but when I got there I realized that my i-pod was out of juice, and I just turned around and walked out the door, no apologizes. I didn’t even consider exercising i-pod-less, that would be barbaric. But if you want ’em, let me composite a small list of video ideas and get back to you soon!!!! Off the top, I can tell you that “Vagina Home schools” would be hilarious. Any kind of Vagina parenting tips would be much appreciated. I have more, let me get my husbands ideas and we’ll send you our best ones!

      • Vagina
        Nov 06, 2013 @ 10:51:53

        Okay first of all your breakfast/lunch sound DELICIOUS!!! And I would have totally walked out of the gym too. I agree with you…COMPLETELY BARBARIC without an ipod. I wouldn’t even try to do crunches or some squats BS without music. Even WITH my ipod all charged up I have walked out! Just because someone looked at me weird or something. Sadly I will use as many excuses as I can muster. 😉 I would LOVE, LOVE your ideas. The homeschooling one is hilarious! I can’t even help my son with his 2nd grade math homework. It is so bad. I have no clue what this kid is doing. -_- Send me your and the hubs ideas.( that didn’t sound right)…I would love to hear what you guys have. I need some ideas!

  5. ComfyTown Chronicles (@ComfyTownChroni)
    Nov 06, 2013 @ 07:55:41

    Aaaaand now I can never eat tacos at a restaurant, because I totally pictured it.
    “Raining cats and dogs” was invented JUST so people could say “…and I just stepped in a poodle.” It’s dumber than a person who owns a bag of hammers.

    Reply

    • Vagina
      Nov 06, 2013 @ 09:14:03

      OH yeah….that makes sense now! I stepped in a poodle…All these years and I just now am getting it! Figures!! DUDE…I have OCD issues about restaurants. I go to them….but I am always trying to get glimpses of the kitchen to make sure it’s clean. Have you ever watched Restaurant makeover? After that it’s hard to eat at a place if you just don’t know. Or maybe that’s just me! O.O But yeah….the dude making the tacos better fucking wash his hands!!!! 😉

      Reply

  6. carsonswebmall
    Nov 07, 2013 @ 14:47:19

    When I started reading your blog I thought of my mother. She needs to get my attention or I tone her out too. I like this blog because I have had the same questions. Why would it ever rain cats and dogs. I kind of understand deader than a door nail but really it would never rain cats and dogs unless the world was about to end or aliens were invading lol

    Reply

  7. Trackback: READ THIS!!! Because I don’t have a title for it… | carsonswebmall

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